Tearing up My Family!

The safety of your daughter comes first, and if your husband doesn't see that, it is very sad. My husband was VERY passive when we got married as well. He was pushed around by his mother and sister and would cave on everything until I gave him an ultimatum. I know it sounds horrible, but I told him them or me. I don't mean, like he can never see them again, I said in terms of you are either my husband or their property. He has since become much more in control of himself to the dismay of his mom, but I love him all the more for it. You need to tell your husband that you will not allow your child to be put in the middle. I know how hard it is and how it can tear a family apart. If his family can not respect you though, you both need to stand up to them. It's not just you. A bystandard (the doctor) who knows both families has advised it. They won't understand that and they'll take it personally, but that's not your problem. Your daughter is the issue here and the fact that your sister in laws kids need help. Don't let your husband fold. It will only hurt your marriage. What's more important, your family (you, your husband, and your daughter) or your in laws? Good luck. I know it is hard.

M., I feel SO sorry for you!!! What an awful predicament! I have to say it is so difficult when your husband is passive about this. If your pediatrician advises no contact, I would listen to him and use him as your excuse, if you will. Your daughter is much too young to understand that her cousins have issues, and will continue to imitate their behavior. Your sister-in-law has to step up to the plate and control her kids. If she is unwilling or unable to do this, you will just have to limit your contact. I'm sorry not to have any more useful advice, but stand your ground...you have the right, as a parent, to raise your daughter as you see fit...and that includes the right to shelter her from abusive situations and people.
S. A.

Hi M.,
Maybe moving far enough away would help. In the interest of your daughter and for her well being. Have you guys been able to share this with a counselor from your church? This is serious enough to cause some pretty deep damage in your daughter as well as put your marriage at risk for the preference of doing what pleases your in laws over what you both want and need for your own family. We had a similar thing going on; similar, but different. My husband chose his mother over me.....briefly. I made him choose. She was causing he and I to fight over stupid things and when we talked about it, it always pointed to her telling me one thing and him something else. Your husband doesn't want to have to choose but will have to come to terms what his responsibilities now that he is a husband (first) and father (second) and son and brother if and when it doesn't hinder the first two. Our wedding vows told each other we would put each other first and cling to one another as a couple.
Consider counsel M.. Blessings, M.

I'd have your hubby discuss the effects of continuing this exposure with the kids pediatrician. He needs to understand that he's harming his own kids by backing down on this.

Hi M.,

First off, I'm sorry you have to deal with this! Let me just tell you what I think I would do. It seems like your husband is feeling like he's being put in the middle of his 2 families (which of course he should be on your side, but it's still a tough position). So I think you need to take this into your own hands since he obviously can't handle it very well. It's inevitable that your little girl will be around children that won't be good influences, so you should decide how you will handle it when that does happen. If your sister-in-law doesn't discipline her children in front of you, and it affects your daughter, then I would discipline them if I were you. If they try to hit your daughter, then show them what happens when they hit and give them a consequence. Maybe they'll learn not to do it around you, and at least your daughter will see that she will get consequences too if she acts the same way. If your sister-in-law has a problem with that, then tell her it's her choice - either she disciplines them or you will because you won't tolerate that behavior in front of your daughter. I don't know if this will work, but that's what I would try. I totally understand you wanting to limit exposure with their family, and I would want to do the same thing, but the truth is you WILL have to be around them eventually (at least a little bit). So you have to figure out how to deal with it when you do have to be around them. Again, I'm sorry you have to deal with this and good luck! Let us know how it works out.

-C.

Well I really feel for you, this is a bad situation but you also need to think about your daughter, your family and I'm sure they're in your best interest. Yes it may be difficult for your husband to feel like he has to please both sides but you and your daughter need to come first. If your in-laws can't understand then too bad.
Do they know why you're not wanting to come around? If they don't, you and your husband should let them know. What is important is for your daughter not to start acting like her cousins if she does then she'll treat her new brother or sister the same way. Well thats my opinion, I don't care if family or friends get their feelings hurt when you're doing the best for your families future and the way they behave. If they can't understand that's their problem. I hope my opinion didn't make things more complicated for you, I wish you the best. A.

Print what you wrote out. Hand it to your husband. Mail it to your in-laws. Tell them you don't like who your daughter is after being around those kids and until they change, things can't continue on.

Protect your family. You, your husband and your daughter are your FIRST priority. The feelings of extensions come second, if at all.

Your husband needs to grow a spine and stand up to his pre-family. My husband had a hard time of it until his daughter was born. Now he’s big daddy D and my mother has gone so far as to call him the “baby nazi” because of his protectiveness. If your husband understands the distress you are in and the vulnerability of his offspring to behavior that can become ingrained, then he needs to step up.

Remember, it’s not your fault for having the feelings that you do. If my children were as ill behaved as your in-laws kids, I’d be embarrassed to expose them to other people until I could get them shaped up. Your in-laws are defensive and blaming you for the situation because they don’t want to admit that they have a problem. It’s so much easier to point a finger and say the problem is with the person who has a problem with them!

Don’t give in. Stick to your guns. Do it for your daughter.

Tell your husband that he can go to the family functions and leave you and your daughter at home, or compromise and get a baby sitter for your daughter when you visit. That way you are not depriving your husbands’ family of your company but also not exposing your daughter to bad behavior.

If they inquire about the lack of little girl at the family gathering tell them the truth if you want to. It’ll most likely rankle them to hear it but it’ll feel good to get it out there. Or you can just keep it simple and say she’s with a sitter and leave it at that.

Hello M., I have a 4 yr old boy, and one due in Feb as well. Congrats! As for the Family problem, I am a pretty black & white person when it comes to my son and his behavior. For me it is more important that he know how to act and when someone else is acting in a way I do not want to see him act, I stop the behavior and tell him why... people have always thought that strange, but in the 2 years we have been working on these things, I have seen a huge difference in him and he will let others know when their behavior is innapropriate, or to excuse themselves when needed. I have removed him from his first school experience because there was hitting and taking toys going unnoticed by the teacher and parents on duty. When we relocated him, he was the one hitting others, it took about 6 weeks of earning or losing stickers & toys... a closet of toys later and not having stickers to show for his good behavior and he realized and corrected his problem. All I can say is I wish you luck and be firm, it is harder than I know at times, but it has payed off for our son. Family ties are important, but the health and wealfare of my child comes first. Unfortunately for others that might not work in their favor, but it works for us. Someone recently said to me in a family dilemma, " That IS your family, your husband, and your children ARE your family, and you have to do what is best for them, not the extended family."
Good Days, and take care, A.

M.,
I feel so bad for you having to deal with this. I completely agree with the other Moms that you need to put your daughter's safety first and that of your new baby. You need to make sure that Carlee knows her boundaries now so when the new baby arrives, she does not imitate her cousins and hurt her sibling. If there is anyway for you to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your husband in a non-threatening way, say at a restaurant, i would try it. Let him know that you understand his position and respect his desire to keep family peace, but your children's safety and education must come first. i know you are busy and tired, but maybe if you could find a play group, that could take up some of the time that was spent with the cousins. You definately want to socialize Carlee but not with her cousins. Good luck!

I think you are doing the right thing by trying to keep them seperated. As a parent your main responsibility is to keep your children safe, and that means from everybody, including family! Since your husband doesn't seem to feel the same way, tell him that he can go to the family functions by himself, or get a sitter for the kids and the two of you can go together. If your in-laws ask why you never bring your daughter around TELL THEM THE TRUTH!!! It's the only way! If you try to make excuses it will only make things worse. You could even copy and paste what your written hear and give it to your in-laws. They need (and deserve) to know how you feel.

your job as a mommy is to raise a good kid. it seems she can't be exposed to the cousins - rather the lack of parenting exhibited by the aunt/uncle - and meet that goal.

That being said, I think you have every right to keep her away.

Now... as for your husband...

His job is to raise a good kid. He should be on the same page as you - it seems from your comments that he is.

HOWEVER, he needs to be a man and stand up for his family. Yes, his family. You and your daughter, not the other family.

I suggest telling him that you need him to be a man and support you and your daughter's development.

good luck.

my advice may sound really cruel. But do not comprimise about the safety and welfare of your child. if your husband wants to go and visit his family tell him by all means go and visit but you and Carlee have other things to do. A family war is worth it to protect your child from that kind of behavior. And no one can force you to allow your child to be put in that situation. If your fil wants to visit tell him he is more than welcome in your home but until your sil can get a handle on her children she is not welcome in your home. When my son was little I have done this with my sister her child he had a biting problem and left scars on my sons back from it. I tell you there is nothing you shouldn't do to protect your child.. Other wise it will take longer and longer to correct your childs behavior if she is already imitating them.

I would try to get everyone into a family counseling session because probably no matter what you and your husband say they aren't going to listen unless it comes from a professional.

Stick to your guns. You can just let your husband go over and visit with his family but you and your daughter stay busy. You are the boss as you are the one that has to protect and take charge. If you do have to go visit keep close to your daughter. Keep visits brief, that way they can't say you don't come over. It's tough, but you will get through it.

Dear M.,

Why do you have to be with the cousins two or three times a week, when you are so busy trying to keep yourself from drowning? Stop arguing and just do. By that I mean, that you are not going to make those people discipline their children so you need to quietly find a way out of so much interaction with them until they are older. I am saying that 'because I have noticed through my life that conflicts do resolve themselves without all out war in the family.

So what if they have caught on - you are the mother and you are struggling like heck to make a better life for your family. You should have standing in this discussion. Just ease out, and don't argue with your husband anymore - you both agree - so just be cool. Say, umhuh, hmmmm. and get on with your daily life.

Children your daughter's age have to be on a certain schedule and they cannot really do a lot of prolonged visiting - it would be time to eat, nap, bathe, and so on. Really, be polite, be sure of your rights (but you don't have to state them, just do them). Never mind if your sister in law takes toys away from her, just shorten the visit quietly and get her attention away from the toy that is 'causing' the problem. Then politely leave.

Remember you do not need to fight, you need to be polite and dignified - your daughter and husband are watching - . You also need to go home to fix dinner, do homework, get ready for work, put daughter to bed or fold the laundry. You get the drift. Nevermind if they do not like it. O.K.?

Good luck, C. N.

Hi M.,

I am really sorry that you have been put in this position! I feel for you and your family. Here are my suggestions:

First, Carlee is your #1 priority. So if there are unhealthy people and unhealthy behaviors being displayed by others-even if they are family, she shouldn't be around it period. It sounds as if your sister-in law has major parenting issues and she needs some help with that. You could suggest to her to enroll in CPI(california parenting institute) or something like it. Therapy also helps if they haven't already started it. Now as for your husband, it really sounds like your hubby needs to stand up to his family and protect your daughter-- so if that means keeping the cousins away from eachother for awhile, then thats what needs to happen. Try to remember that you are your child's parent-- not the other family members etc... they may think they know what is best for your child, but they don't. Protect your child at all costs-- eventually the family will either decide to get off your back about it, or they won't, but you will know that you did everything you could to protect your child from harm. Good luck to you !

I think you and your husband need to put YOUR family (you, him, and your kids) first. You may have to cut off the extended family if seeing them is harming your daughter. You are absolutely right that she is being taught to misbehave by your sister-in-laws actions. As the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words" and no amount of you telling her that things aren't acceptable will make much of an impression when she is seeing the exact opposite taking place (toys being takeen from her when she is behaving and being given to the cousin who is throwing a fit for them).

I feel sorry for your nephews, they are being set up to have very unhappy lives. No one wants to be around brats who act like you are describing. Also, I am the mother of two boys who were preemies (my oldest was almost 3 moths early and weighed just over 2 lbs) and it sounds to me like you nephews issues might stem more from the parenting he is getting (or not getting, as the case may be) than just being a preemie. Nobody would look at either of my boys and guess they were born early. It is easy to be overly lenient, especially if her son had a really rough start, but that's still no reason you need to put your child in danger.

You and your husband need to be on the same page with this. Tell him that no matter how much pressure his other family puts on him, his first responsibility is to his daughter. She is THE MOST IMPORTANT person in this situation. If your Pediatrician is even recommending that you stay away from them, it's time to take it very seriously. Avoid getting the kids together. Perhaps you could compromise and the adults could get together to do something while the kids stayed with babysitters (one for your daughter and a different one for the nephews).

I know this is a tough situation and I'll keep you in my prayers. Good Luck!

ouch M., that sounds like a tough situation. What about arranging a visit with your family and sister in laws family with the pediatrician? Maybe coming from him she will understand why it's not a good idea for your daughter to be exposed to this? I would stand my ground, I don't think it's worth exposing your daughter just to keep them happy. Good luck

Do what's best for your child and you know what that is. It unreasonable for your husband to force this kind of exposure. Visit the grandparents but stay away from the cousins until your children are old enough to process this kind of stuff. The cousins should be evaluated by an occupational therapist if they haven't already. They could have processing disorders. It's crutial for your sister in law to make a plan of treatment with the docs and an ot and FOLLOW it. Good luck. I hope your husband can come around an take HIS famiy (you and the kids) more to heart and protect them. He needs to support you.

Wow, sticky mess!!
But I would be the mom throwing a temper tantrum. Protect your child. I would not avoid the family totally, but I would tell your daughter, after she see what those boys are doing, that it is not ok. That they have some problems and that she is not to act like that. She is very young. But you have to let her know that she can not do that or she will be in trouble, let her know that you are still the mom (or boss). I would really feel bad for you husband too. He needs to be worried about his own child.
also you must respond quickly to your daughter actions at the time if she starts acting like the other kids. NO, with firmness in your voice, and then ignore it. They hate that, but they no they gain nothing from it. Try it.... make take a few times...

Good luck and Prayers.

Dear M.,
I know what your going through. I have 2 special needs children 1 with emotional issues and violent behaviors. I asked my family members to keep their kids away until we got Jocelyn the help she needed. She was finally placed on mood disorder meds at the age of 4 yrs. She is now 8. She is doing well with 2 pills a day to keep her from hurting herself and others. I know everyone has a cow with giving kids meds that no one thinks they need. We tried everything you can imagine to help her and nothing worked. It got to the point that either she went on meds or she would have had to be removed from the home. She went on a trial study and now the study is over and remained on the meds since. She is better on the meds than off.
He need to protect your daughter and if your husband cannot and will not stand up for her you need to. Tell your peditriton whats going on. TEll your sister in law what is up. Either GEt your kids the help they need or your niece cannot see you or her couisns anymore. Tell her what the peditrion said. Make it known her kids actions are affecting your daughter and she is not safe in her care. I know it's hard I had a premiture baby 35 1/2 weeks. He was born with complications. There are recources out there that can help. Your peditrition should have a list. Regional Centers for kids with behavior pschological disorders, developmental delays, etc. Do whats best for your daughter. Keep her safe. Follow your peds advice. Let your sister in law know whats up!!!! Don't keep her in the dark. Tell her until her kids behavior changes and her behavior your daughter cannot see her. Let her know your peds doctor advice this until things changed. You need to be your child advocate. Tell her when things change and you see the improvments your self then your daughte will be able to come over to play with her cousins. Let me know how this helps. M. Petersen
contact me any time ____@____.com

Have you tried getting you and your sister in law and your guys pediatrician together and sit down and have a chat, this way the doc can explain to your s-i-law why it is best for your daughter to stay away from her cousins till she starts taking control of her 2 kids. also if anything i personally would tell the father in law to but out cause this is an issue with you yor husband and your sister in law, not your father in law(not trying to be rude, but it he cant really do anything about the situation at hand anyhow cause he is only the grampa, not the father of the 2 kids)

Just a suggestion ... Be firm but gentle with hubby. Yes, your child needs protection and to be safe from her cousins. AND realize your husband may be mourning the loss of family. You can repeatedly say, "I'm so sorry your family keeps treating you and your child this way. I'm so proud of you for standing up to them. I know this is very difficult for you." and stuff like that. Don't let him put the blame on you ... stop him and rephrase it ... focusing on what he's done well even if it's minor or minute. Reward any effort he shows in the right direction. Try to find a common ground like "Yes, I too am angry they've chosen to do this. What we requested of them is fair. They've chosen to austracize us rather than alter their behavior." You can share in mourning the fact the children won't grow up knowing their cousins. That's a sad thing in itself. You can talk it up with friends about your relief she'll be safe now and downplay that around your husband unless you can thank him for helping keep her safe which it sounds like he hasn't done yet. He still might. You might also seek books about passive husbands for more suggestions.

WELL LETS PUT IT THIS WAY IS'NT IT QUIET NOW, I HAD A DELIMA LIKE YOURS. YOU ARE MARRIED AND YOUR HUSBAND BACKS YOU THAT IS A GOOD THING, CAUSE YOU TWO ARE TOGETHER IN THIS, IT IS YOUR AND HIS LIFE AND NOW THAT YOU ARE ALL GROWN UP YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR KIDS YOU DONT NEED ANY OTHER PROBLEMS, AND IF YOUR DR TOLD YOU TO LIMIT THE VISITS DO IT. LET YOUR SISTER IN LAW KNOW WHATS UP. TELL HER WHAT YOUR DAUGHTER IS DOING MAYBE SHE WILL UNDERSTAND OR HELP YOU IN YOUR CASE? AND MAYBE YOUR SISTER IN LAW WILL REMOVE ANY PROBLEM WHEN IT IS HAPPENING SO YOUR DAUGHTER WONT SEE IT SO THERE IS PEACE AND YOU ALL CAN LIVE IN PEACE AND THE KIDS WILL GROW UP TOGETHER SIT DOWN AND TELL YOUR FAMILY WHATS UP AND YOU DONT WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO KEEP HURTING HER SELF THAT IS WHY YOU ARE STAYING AWAY IF THEY DONT LIKE WHAT YOU SAY OH WELL THEY ARE NOT TALKING TO YOU RIGHT NOW ANY WAY THEY WILL UNDERSTAND LATER AND YOU CAN SIT AND TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER ALSO SHE UNDERSTANDS WHAT YOU SAY YOU TELL HER THAT IS NOT NICE YOU DONT WANT HER TO DO THAT YOU JUST NEED TO BE STRONG AT IT AND REMOVE HER WHEN YOU SEE IT STARTING UP GO TO ANOTHER ROOM WITH HER AND TELL HER THEY ARE NOT BEING NICE AND I WANT YOU TO COME OVER HERE TILL THEY FEEL BETTER AFTER A WHILE SHE WILL UNDERSTAND (YOUR daughter)AND YOU CAN HOLD HER IN YOUR LAP AND WHILE IT IS HAPPENING FACE HER IN YOUR LAP AND WISPER TO HER THAT IS NOT WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO AND DONT LET HER DOWN TILL LATER INTERTAIN HER WHILE SHE IS IN YOUR LAP SHE WILL GET IT AND WHEN SHE IS TRYING TO DO THE SAME TO GET HER OWN WAY LET HER KNOW YOU DONT LIKE IT AND DONT GIVE HER WAY IT IS HARD BUT SHE WILL GET IT BUT IF YOU START TO GIVE IN NOW GOOD LUCK LATER I HAVE 4 KIDS AGES 20YRS BOY- 9YRS GIRL-6YRS BOY -AND 5YRS GIRL AND I'VE BEEN THROUGH IT IT WILL GET BETTER

I fortunately do not have any experience in this but I would do what is best for my children and if it means no contact which I am sure it is. Then I would have to say go with what your gutt is telling you.. And your Doctor. Eventually you will have to deal with this with your husband and his family but they are your kids and it is your responsiblity to care for those children and keep them out of harms way. Stand up for what you feel is right and don't let their guilt trips change your mind. Sorry if I sound harsh but you must always think of the kids needs even before your own.
Good Luck ,
T.

Take hubby to your baby's doctor. Let the doctor speak to him directly about this issue. Keep up what you are doing. I've had to do the same in the past. The family eventually get over it. Your child comes before any person.

If it gets real bad with your husband, suggest joining a nuturing parenting class with him. He can see and hear what other parents are going through and may realize his child and marriage should always come before his extended family.

Also, I would be very gentle with his family. Point out that they themselves are aware that the children have issues and although you care about them and wish them the best, you have to look out for your daughter as well. Have them put themselves in your shoes and ask if they would subject their children to other children in the same situation.

Good luck!!

Hi M.,
I don't know what to say about you and your hubby... except prayer is a wonderful thing.
I do have however a suggestion for you as to learning more about why these kids may be acting as they are. I went to a class when I was struggling with my step-daughter... It is called Reactive Attachment Disorder and I discovered that a lot of kids are probably suffering from this disorder. It has to do with the brain and how a child is or is not nurtured in the early parts of their lives. Learning about this disorder and the tools that help it helped me and my step-daughter and my husband and others as well immensely. I encourage you to look into radkid.org and also Nancy Thomas at attachment.org Families by Design. She goes around speaking on this subject and also takes in kids with this and other mental... issues and has a tremendous success rate in helping them.
You may not have an open door with the family of these children at this time, but at least you can possibly learn more about them and about you and your children as well. (When I took the class, I was surprised to learn that I too have some issues with neglect and embraced some of the healing methods for myself. It was helpful.) It may not be what is going on with these kids, but I thought it couldn't hurt to inform you. I wish more moms, parents, teachers and such new about it.

Hello M.,

One option could be to move out of state so that you and your husband can get away and live happily with your new family and away from, needing to come up with excuses to satisfy your
inconsiderate in-laws.
If you and your husband are torn to make unhappy decisions that have to do with just making "everyone else but you" content then that's not fair to you at all. Your Husband and Children come first! They don't have to take care of getting your family life straighten out after a visit with the troubled in law children.
The aren't do you any favors.

Another option is to speak up(tell everyone in your family that's giving you and your husband a hard time,what you go through and how your doctor even agrees that some space is needed until her kids straighten out), before it becomes to late in a sense to re-undo what influences have already plagued you Daughter.
I've always been told the th key to a good RELATIONSHIP is good communication.

My name is H. I'm 26 with one 9 month old baby boy.
I live on the other side of the country with my husband and it was amazing how different out lives grew together without our family. It had its perks but, don't get me wrong I really missed my Mom,little Sis, and Grandma! But, I was very happy to be away from my husbands family! We had each other and nobody could interrupt in-person. Weeee! It was nice. Write me if you would like to talk more. I hope I have helped a little. Take care.
Hugs for you! My email address is ____@____.com

Sincerely,
H.

Hi M.,

I really feel for you and your husband being in this position. However, my husband and I were in a similar position only it was my neices and nephew who were causing the problems. It was very difficult for me to make the decision to limit the time my children spent with their cousins but it was the only decision that could be made. There was a huge blow up and in the end my sister understood. If this is affecting your daughter in a negative way you have to some way help your husband understand that you and your daughter and now his primary concern and the feelings of his family come secondary. They are adults and should be able to eventually work it out as such. My husband opened my eyes and we have not had a fight in almost 3 months. Stick with it your are not wrong.

Take Care

If there is an insistence on a family experience.....drag everyone into counseling......telling the story in front of a reputable therapist might help your family get another perspective on how uncomfortable this situation has been. Also by suggesting therapy you are letting them see that you do care and it is not a personal matter.........(they must feel sad and horrible that they have so little control(real) over their kids.underneath all of this.) I always imagine what i would feel and put myself in their shoes.....It works........but in this situation another party needs to hear how difficult it is for you to participate in the family (fun).Good luck!