Any Hope in Having a Decent Marriage Despite Problems with In-laws?

Now it's come down to his parents not wanting to visit us when invited by him ("not enough time", "wrong time", and now "don't want to make you uncomfortable") and my husband keeps insisting that I'm trying to make this "all about me" (whatever that means).

Well, you made them feel unwelcome. Why would they want to visit you? Shouldn't you be happy? It seems like this is what you wanted.
I don't understand why you don't want them to give your kids presents on the holiday's. It's their money. Why are you picking fights with them?
Honestly, I don't mean to be harsh. Maybe you are leaving some important facts out. I really just don't get why he shouldn't thank them for gifts. What exactly did you pick a fight about? Maybe you were out of line.
To answer your question, it sounds like you don't want to let this competition you have with your in-laws go. It's probably not going to get better until you do. Or they die.

You have to be leaving out some pretty big details as to why you hate them so much, or to why you feel they overstep their boundaries too much.
Do they try to tell you how to raise the kids? Do they criticize you? What else is going on? What rules and traditions are you not allowed to set?

Becuase if your problem with them is that you don't like that they bring your kids presents, and you're "picking a fight with them", I'd say that YOU are the problem. Most people would be so lucky to have grandparents that do that.
Again, I'm assuming that you've left out a lot of detail here, so it's hard to understand why you're so upset and considering ending your marriage.

Well, I think everybody in this situation has boundary issues. Picking fights with your in-laws and arguing with your husband hasn't fixed your problem in the 14 years you've been doing it. The counseling has broken down as your husband no longer is interested in attending the sessions, and now the in-laws don't feel comfortable in your home. Perhaps this is a matter of different perspectives not being properly communicated between all of you. I've been married to my husband for 15 yrs, and while it took me a long time to realize it, I've come to the conclusion that it isn't only about the family that marriage and children creates, but we also absorb those who made our husband the man he is, that we love. And that they, in turn, absorb us as the woman who their son fell in love with. While it may be difficult, it sounds like what this family is missing is a big heaping dose of appreciation, gratitude and understanding...from you, from your husband and from the grandparents. In short, any situation, family, business...etc. is only what you make it. Try inviting the mother-in-law over alone(without hubby or the children) for coffee, and express the things you see as her strengths. Appoligize for your behavior, take ownership for your role in all this, and then tell her what you need/ don't need from her in the future...and why. To accomplish this rationally and respectfully will take planning and strength of character, and in the end, she will respect you for that. My thinking is that your husband will too. This is absolutely NOT something to end your marriage over! You need to persevere through this and be more solution oriented. Don't depend on your husband or the in-laws to do it for you, take the lead in helping to bridge these broke relationships. After all, it seems by your post that your reactions over the years was greatly instrumental in breaking communications down in the first place.

When I first saw the question I thought I could respond especially coming off of a week of in-law over load and being with my husband 24 years! But I do agree with one of the other posts, that unless you are leaving out a lot of details, I do think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. And you are waisting a lot of time and energy on hurt and anger when you could be enjoying life.

We just had my in-laws 50th wedding anniversary party and I was given the task of scanning literally thousands (yes plural) of pictures.
I admit earlier in our marriage being annoyed at times with the amount of "family time" we felt we were semi-forced to endure anytime someone was in town, my husband and I and our 2 kids were the only family in town for several years. Anyway, over the years I came to realize that family is very important to my mother in law and father in law for a variety of reasons. And after scanning all the photos it hit home again, they both were from very small families, most of which are gone now. So the fact that they had 4 kids and now have 11 grandkids is a joy to them!

They do buy us things just because. We go on family vacations, either all 20 of us or sometimes just the 10 adults! They have the money and the time and I'm thankful for the opportunities. They want to enjoy their families while they are able to. And they are making memories for all the kids. Just this past weekend we had a rousing game of wiffle ball going with 17 family members!

Instead of thinking how much "you" are annoyed, put out, uncomfortable, why don't you try to see where "they" are coming from. And maybe the focus of the counseling could be addressing some insecurities?

i truly think while they are annoying, you'll still be dealing with them and him even if you get a divorce, you guys have children together, the inlaws will still give them too many ( this that the problem?) presents, plus you'll have to fight about the holiday visitation schedule. Divorce won't get these peolpe out of your life. I think you are wonderful for gettign the counseling, and i think you need to keep up with it. If you maybe need a new one search for it, did hubby say why he quite going???
Just a suggestion, toss the kids to the inlaws for a long weekend and go away with hubby and reconnect to each other.

I have no advice to add to the other ladies, but the thing that struck me in this was that you stated "openly siding with his parents when we had a sit down discussion after I picked a fight with them". I realize that you have an uncomfortable relationship with them, but WHY is it surprising to you that he sides with them when YOU PICKED A FIGHT with them? You're frustrated, yes, but that is not mature and not helpful.

I don't have this issue with my in-laws, but what you describe and how you describe it doesn't sound bad. Is it that they control, or that they are completely different from you? Is it reality that they are crossing a line and not "allowing" you to have traditions, etc, or that you FEEL that way. The two things are different.

Counseling only works when you WANT it to work. If you are going at it from an "I'm right, they're wrong" attitude, nothing will change. There isn't a clear picture of what they are doing wrong, so maybe it's a perspective thing on your part? I can't say. I know the only way I was able to have a good relationship with my parents was to completely change my perspective on who I was in the relationships. Good luck!

Yes. You are married to him. Life is very hard going through a divorce over any issue. You didn't say you were going to rent an apartment of his you dedicated your life to him. My sister is going through the same thing with her husband and in laws and if you are being beaten or abused get out yesterday. But if you are getting showered with presents, and visits be annoyed and go on. My in laws are in another country and I do not have to bother with in person problems, but my husband lives on the phone and he sends them money which I resent but., I do not have the same attachment to my family (perhaps it is because we are girls?) that I need to overly connect. I have a hunch if you back off a bit (not saying you are wrong because you are soooo right, but what is going on doesn't seem to work so surprise him and bring a book along next visit and ignore the rest). You have three children. I take it you do not have your own relatives around or like me are not that interested to the point where you need to suffocate yourself. So in the meantime this is what the children are growing up with and they are watching the discord. Kids do not get totally loyal to you if that is what you wish, so like I said be creative, continue to do family things and perhaps hubby will come around. On the other hand if you are thinking of leaving because someone out there is quite tempting take a look: the grass is really not greener 98 percent of the time. (Ok, I wanted to say 100 percent but someone could prove me wrong). Are inlaws a pain in the wazzoo YES, do you have to be miserable at all family events NO,. YOU have the power of choice. You could be taking a class and studying in the middle of all of this and be busy, you could read teen magazines. Get yourself something to do if you must be at these events or let hubby happily go, and you happily stay home and watch movies. For years our families have had Christmas say on a different day at home, or Easter in another state and so on. You do not have to ask for sides (thats a war), or fights (thats more war), you can be creative.Life is not easy. Do not choose to make it harder for yourself. Hubby is a baby. So think how you would live with babies and that is how you do it.

I think its a shame to allow outside family members be responsible for the downfall of your marriage (regardless of who is at fault). You have been married this long and dealing with this so I'm sure that ending the marriage is not the solution. It's worth finding some common ground in order to keep your kids' family together and in tact.
Are you feeling that the inlaws are too big apart of your lives and you want more family time with just your husband and kids? maybe you can compromise with your husband on that issue. I would really hate it if my husband were to make my mother feel uncomfortable in our home and I would be embarrassed for his behavior.
I know it will be very difficult for you but if you want to try to repair your relationship the first thing you should do is talk to your inlaws or write them a letter. Let them know that you are sorry for any "bad blood" for the
lack of a better word right now, on your part. Reach out to them so that your husband can see that at least you are making the effort. Allow yourself to always appear to be the "good guy" in the relationship with the inlaws. So, in the end if they are disrespectful to you on any level your husband can see that the problem is comming from there end of the relationship and not yours. Also, when speaking about your in-laws to your husband always speak in a reasonable way that won't make him go on the defensive. Never bad mouth them because you won't get anywhere with him if you do. Remember the old saying "you can catch more flys with with honey than vinagar" or something like that.LOL
Good luck.

Like Melissa, I'm a little unsure as to the true issues here. If your in-laws have backed away aren't they trying to respect your boundaries? No one is perfect. Perhaps you could consider family counseling WITH them. Then you will better know what is and isn't resolvable with them.........I suspect there is more going on between you and your husband though. That seems to be where the true issue is. If he has shut down then that might be the answer to your question.

I'm sorry for your problems CQ, and I don't think the Mama's that have read your one paragraph can tell you whether you should leave your marriage anyway? Do you trust your counselor? If you do, go back and explore this question with him/her.

Hi,

I would recommend the book "Starved for Affection". It is written by Dr. Randy Carlson. It is very practical.

Your marriage is always worth saving. Years from now, you'll look back and be glad you tried your best.

Hang in there!

God bless,
A.

I'm in your shoes. You have to find a way to emotionaly disconnect from your in-laws. You didn't marry them you married their son. Some mother in laws can be annoying, but you can't control what they do. You can only control how you react. I don't think it's worth breaking up the marriage over.

At the same time, those are his parents and they are going to be in your lives somehow. When familles merge it's hard to adjust and accept others. I had to realize that. My in-laws aren't like my parents and never will be. They dont hold a candle to them. But they are my husbands parents so I have to respect that. But at the same time you are entitled to set up your own traditions and routines that they should abide by. I know you said they want to come when they come so I'm sure that can be tough.

Your husband is caught in the middle and is being pulled in two directions. I agree that he should side with you. He doesn't have to always agree with you but he should show open support since you are his wife. When they side with their parent's in front of you it does suck and I swear the mother will gloat. Just go about your day and your life with your family. Don't let them ruin your marriage. If they choose not to come when invited then that's their issue not yours. In-laws always try to pull rank to show that they are more important than you. Stupid I know, but that's what they do.

Pick your battles. They are going to do A LOT of annoying things so choose wisely. If they want to give gifts let em. I was annoyed that my in-laws bought so many clothes for my daughters then I was like wait - I could use these clothes! So i wouldn't put too much energy into the gifts. They are trying to incorporate themselves into your family nucleus. They can't do that. Your husband needs to step up and let you be a nucleus family and everyone outside that should respect it. It took FOREVER!!!! to get their with my in-laws.

Also, please keep in mind that no one is perfect and he's only human so he of course would be affected having his wife and parent's not get along. Focus your energy on him. Be super sweet. I find that when I'm like that with my husband he's more in-tune with me when things go awry. Tell him that you understand that he's caught in the middle, but you love him and don't want anything to break up your family. Just be wifey 101 with him. So when it's time to "battle" with your in-laws he'll be more inclined to stand by your side.

Take the energy off your in-laws and put it towards your family.

It's hard to say. I can certainly imagine gift giving that could be upsetting (a motor driven dirt bike or a go cart for a 5 yr old would upset me a lot - "Thank you very much for dirt bike! Every time we spend hours in the emergency room we'll be thinking of you!"), (the 20th Barbie when the playroom is already over flowing), (the 50th video game when you are trying to pry your child off the couch so they see the light of day every once in awhile), etc. Some grandparents want to buy the contents of an entire toy store for every birthday/holiday and that would bother me a lot. I can see where some gift giving could be used to undermine me and make me the bad guy when someone has to set some limits and I have to take some of it away. That would upset me, too. It would upset me if my husband won't step in to help limit this sort of thing and also make me out to be the bad guy. I would be feeling a bit ganged up on at this point.
Ultimately you have to decide what you can and can't live with and what your decision will mean to you and your kids. Going along to get along does work for some people. What your kids observe as they grow watching you and your husband is how they will perceive 'normal' to be. If you think you can show them some better life or better values if you and your husband divorce, then it might be worth it. I don't have all the details, but I can see how difficult this choice could be.