Neighbor Girls Are Snubbing My Daughter

Ex-k-1 teacher here. At the ages of the children you mention they are still in what is called parallel play. They don't play together for the most part, they play parallelly (?). That does not explain the rudenest of the mom.

I lived through this with my son who was a bit tall and hunky, but didn't talk. Evey one thought he was dumb and said so in front of him, and to his face, He wasn't in fact he was terribly, terribly gifted. Hah! He later told me dealing with those kids and parents made him able to deal with any type of person.

Keep distracting her, and also be honest with her. Some people are just not as friendly as others. I like the mom who used the term "friendly energy" and suggested giving it to someone who would click with it. I'm going to remember that myself!

She's old enough to understand basic concepts that people are different and to learn how to deal with them.

Good luck!

My 4 year old son is going through the same thing with a neighbor. This is a great way for children to learn that not every child is as friendly as they are. It's one of those life lessons I'm afraid. I explained to my son that not everyone is as friendly as he is and he has to take his friendly energy and give it to someone who he will click with. I have also signed my son up to skating and swimming which he is loving both and has met new friends. He also has friends in preschool and we have done play dates with them so that works too. With your daughter, I would advise signing her up to a dance class (my daughter made tons of friends there) or another activity she may enjoy that will give her opportunities to make new friends.

I agree with Ashley. This can be your daughter's first lesson in how to deal with unfriendly people. Tell your daughter, as Ashley suggested, that they are busy doing their own thing. You could suggest that because the girls are older and have each other to play with that they aren't wanting another playmate. Then reassure your daughter by talking about the kids she can play with.

Your daughter has the right attitude. She's "unfazed" and so I wouldn't worry about it. If she doesn't feel hurt when they don't respond to a card from her, let her leave a card. If she asks why they didn't respond fall back on the they're busy doing their own thing.

If your daughter is as social as my granddaughter was at 4, you could tell her that some people just aren't as friendly as she is and it's best to play with the kids who do want to play with her. This worked for my granddaughter.

If she does get upset, sympathize with her. Be honest about the girls not being friendly; that there are all different kinds of people. and that you're glad she is friendly and wants to be friends with other girls. So lets think of someone else who would like to play with you.

Or use any combination of the above. What is important is to be honest in a gentle way. She is learning about the world and neighbors like this exist. It's nothing to do with her. It just is. So move on to someone who will respond.

I went through this with my sons in a couple of situations. Unfortunately we learn ourselves the hard way and with my sons, in one case he would call and call a boy who was actually the son of a friend of mine and she wouldn't even encourage her son to play with him. We were two doors apart. I used to feel my heart breaking, too. I actually said a few things like he was busy, blah, blah, but eventually I let him know that there are a lot of other nice people out there and that we are valuable and loveable no matter who responds to friendship overatures. The parents sound like very rude people to me but maybe they have marital problems or something and do not want people to know their business. You would think however that someone would want their child (ren) to have such nice close neighbors. Since evasive is not working, I'd be upfront and say that they just are not available for friendship. Maybe later but not now. And I know the feeling you were saying about the mother, you feeling uncomfortable around her, I get those feelings too. You sound like a warm hearted caring human being -that's probably where little Anna got it from and you unfortunately got what we called 'stuck up snobs' for neighbors.

Your neighbors sound like the neighbors from you-know-where. I would actively discourage my daughter from trying to establish any relationship that is clearly one-sided because it won't be long before she sees that they are not reciprocating and they are in fact are ignoring her. You seem like such an understanding parent/neighbor that it may be hard for you to lay down the rules of engagement-so to speak, but you must to protect your daughter. I am not saying that you should always step in and protect your children, they do need to learn about relationships, but you are in a situation that is not easily changed (they live NEXT DOOR) so this has to be dealt with now. Good luck.

I have three girls and have been on both sides of the fence. I used to live in the city and when I moved to a cul-de-sac was shocked out how in-your-face some of the neighbors were. I was working at the time and had my kids on a strict schedule and was a source of gossip for the neighbors who thought I was unfriendly when I drove in at 7 at night and rushed the girls in for dinner, baths and bed. They had to be up the next morning for daycare. I was considered very anti-social and then when the negative gossip started I decided to keep to myself and my family out of the line of gossip. I was considered very anti-social but really just didn't want to deal with the negative vibes around the neighborhood. Maybe your neighbors have had a similar bad experience and would rather keep to themselves then get involved in neighborhood politics. On the other side, my 4 year old just wants to have friends and there are a ton of kids on your street but they only play with her as a last resort. The level of play that a 4 year old does versus a 5 or 6 or 7 is very different and my guess is that the other girls just don't want to play what she wants to play or they feel she gets in the way with what they are playing and therefore don't want to play with her. It is really tough and I feel for your daughter and mine! You really have only two options, stear your daughter away from the girls which I know is near impossible or go outside and start playing something fun that the other girls would want to play (maybe a lemonade stand or hopscotch) and maybe they will ask if they can play. You may have to do this a few times before the figure out that your daughter is not THAT much younger and is fun to play with. Good luck.

Keep doing what you are doing, by distracting your daughter with other friends. Maybe introduce her to a new hobby or class that she can direct some of her energy on.

It's a tough spot to be in, but she can't encourage those girls to reciprocate those feelings right now, so maybe she needs to be told that in a gentle way, that the girls are just busy doing their own thing and not interested and if they want to come by, they will call.

Three is a crowd when it comes to little girls. May seem silly but not at this age, little girls do better with just two. It is nice your daughter is friendly and outgoing. I can see you want to protect her it is natural thing to do. She is so young to tell her that it is not personal even if it might be. Have you suggested other friends for her to play with?

You know...we have been blessed with such wonderful neighbors. We've shared bbq's and fireworks and looked out for each other. BUT, we've also had neighbors (I've got one right now in fact), that won't even wave back if she's out in her yard and we walk by. She completely pretends like she doesn't even see us. We've lived by her for 8 years. Her boyfriend is nice. He always says hello when he sees us and asks how things are going. We can't even get a dirty look out of her though.
My other next door neighbors have grandkids my son's age and they love my son being here because it gives their kids someone to play with when they're over.
My point is, some people are just weird and/or not "neighborly".
I think you're right to distract your daughter with other activities and other friends. It would be nice if they showed an interest in your daughter, but they don't and it's not like she doesn't have lots of friends who adore her right back. Your daughter sounds very sweet and engaging and she will do just fine.
I know you said that you're not so comfortable talking with that mom. Maybe it's a mom stale mate the kids are in the middle of.
I've known very few kids who didn't find a way to at least find a slat in the back fence they could talk to each other through.
If the mom isn't friendly, it's likely her daughters aren't either and in this world, some people are just that way. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us or our children. We just learn to focus on people who care about us as much as we care about them.
Separate the wheat from the chaff.

Best wishes.

OH MY WORD!!! The parents and the daughters need a dose of reality. They need to get off their high horse and realize that they are NOT perfect.

This is an unfortunate lesson that you have to teach your daughter that there are people out there who are just plain rude and feel that they are better than someone else - when they ARE NOT!! Unfortunately, it will hurt your daughter - and she sounds soooo sweet!! I love that she has such a good heart (this speaks volumes about you!) how sweet of her to draw a card!!! I would tell her that some people just don't appreciate good people. What a harsh lesson to learn so young.

You are doing the right thing in trying to re-direct your daughter to other friends, it's unfortunate that even at this age - the human desire to have what we cannot.

I wouldn't keep my daughter inside when the others are out or anything like that - one day they will realize what they are missing out in her - it will be their loss. I will keep you in my prayers. This is a tough situation.

Ugh, that is so hard. My son was the same way at 4, wanting to play with the neighbors, stop by, etc. We had one neighbor girl who was spoiled rotten, terribly undisciplined, wouldn't share toys, and could be downright mean and he STILL wanted to play with her all the time. Another set of neighbors were much older and didn't really want to have anything to do with him, unless they were desperate for a playmate. I finally just explained to him that I wasn't a big fan of the little girl and the specific behaviors that turned me off. And I explained that the older boys have other things that they want to do, but that it's nice when they can play. He seemed to take it in and understand it well enough, but of course would still ask to go see them. (deep breath)

Maybe just be honest with your daughter and say that they don't seem very friendly? You can also put it on yourself, that you aren't too fond of the mom and that you don't really want to spend time with people like that. This is one of those life lesson moments. After all, life is full of people you aren't going to get along with. You don't have to hurt her feelings with the truth, right?

Ahhhh my heart would hurt for my little girl, who is also 4, if she was in this situation. She is in a preschool that is for 3-6 yr olds and I see how much she looks up to the older 5 & 6 yr old girls. And they love her back, but they also do leave her out sometimes. It's the nature of their play. But you're talking of something different.
One thing that struck me is the subject of siblings, and since no one has mentioned this that I read, (I didn't read all of the responses), I thought I should mention it, cos I think it might have something to do with it. My 4 yr old daughter has a 3 yr old brother, and though I certainly don't recommend having children 13 months apart as we accidently did, they are as thick as thieves. Yes They fight alot, but that's because they are always playing together, and half the time each one has a different idea of how the play should go!
So my point is, your daughter might be especially drawn to your neighbours because she sees them playing together and this looks fun. My overall impression is that the mother and they must be a bit snooty, but on top of this, they have less need for playdates, cos the sisters have each other. It doesn't translate in my world, cos we still do tons of playdates, and I frequently have 1 or 2 extra kids in my house! But your Neighbour is not me and for some reason is not welcoming it. I cannot understand why. I do numerous trades with our multiple neighbours and that way I get some free time. Maybe she doesn't need this. Who knows. Anyway what I would do is to get active with setting up playdates with the friends she does have. Pay attention to the times that she is maybe most often bored and wanting to go see the neighbours, and arrange playdates with other friends at these times. I know it is so much nicer and easier to spontaneously call over the fence, rather than schedule something and drive across town. But it doesn't sound like your neighbours want to play. I would still ask when the opportunity arises, don't give up. Maybe more communication would help you understand why the mom is cold towards playdates. If you're feeling brave, you could just ask her why? I'm on the same page as my Neighbour friends, but maybe your parenting and lifestyle are not aligned with hers. Some people are very particular and no matter how hard u try, you're not going to fit into their tiny little box, which would probably be suffocating anyway. So focus your energy elsewhere if that's the case.

We were the family that welcomed the sisters nobody invited. I let them come to my house even though they were not clean. Their parents were old time farmers. For my daughter's birthday party they arrived clean and hair washed nice clothes. They were thrilled to be included. I think I showed my neighbors something by doing.
As for your neighbors tell your daughter the truth. They are snobs and the world is full of people like them. We cannot please everybody. Does your daughter go to gymnastics class where she might meet other kids. Does she go to a daycare center.
She just needs children and the neighbors aren't available in that house.

Hi,

I feel for you and your daughter so much, its awful watching your little one been ignored that way. My son had the exact same issue with some boys he wanted so bad to be friends with. I know you dont want to talk to their mum, but Id may be mention ( even in a joke if more comfortable for you ) how your daughter would really like to get know the girls. May be a little girls party in your backyard to entice them into coming to see what s all the fuss. I woudnt invite them though so they see how it feels ( i know that 2 wrongs dont make it right but little kids can be very mean if allowed to continue and your little ones confidence will get hurt by the constant rejection).

I find that talking to the kids my son likes, and showing interest in what they do ,makes them friendlier somehow too.

Good luck ,really hope it gets better for you both.

I agree with all of the other advice, but would like to add one little caution. Don't forget that whatever you tell your daughter might be repeated to the other girls or their mother at a later date. I'd be careful to be honest, like everyone has suggested, but tactful too.

S.

We have similar situation but ours is that I don't want my son to play with our neighbours boys. They are 5 boys and always run around the house (close to a busy street), they always play with guns and swords and fight with each other, pushing, punching and kicking each other and they are always rough with the youngest one, who is about a year older than my son. No, I don't want him to play with them and I told my son why and he is still begging me but there is no way I would let him play with them. May be you should be just honest with your girl and tell her why you don't want her to play with those girls. They didn't respond to her card, right? Does she really wants to be friends with unpolite girls? It is a hard way to learn it but you can use the oportunity to guide her "what kind of girls I would like to be friends with" ? Good luck!