Need Teenager Is Causing Me to Lose Sleep.

To quote my good friend, "being a mom is not for sissies". That's because it's so tough and heartbreaking to love and invest all we have into these little people only to let them go and fall on their faces with their first adult decision! I am sorry this is a difficult time for you - I cannot imagine how emotional you must feel. However, everyone else is right - let her go knowing you've done everything you can to bring her to this moment. It's time for her to spread her wings and experiment with the foundation you have given her. And it's time for you to put on a brave face and let her know that you trust her and respect her decisions, even if you don't agree with them.

This is when being a parent becomes very hard and heartbreaking, but i think you have to let her go so she can find out for herself which hopefully wont take to long.

R.,

I really can understand your frustration. It is hard to watch your daughter make mistakes. Probably the less you say about the boyfriend, the better off you and your daughter will be. (I know it won't be easy). I would instead keep the focus on your daughter. Think about ways to let her know how to set boundaries with people and how to recognize red flags in behavior. That knowledge could really empower her. I would try to come up with some type of weekly activity the two of you could do that could be something fun and a way to continue to build an adult relationship. Whether it be working out in a class, or ceramics or tennis or self defense or cooking, cake decorating or whatever it is you think she might like. That time can be your time together and can really impact the two of you in a positive way. It provides a way for you two to have an adult relationship and still be able to nurture her without judgement. It is important for her to know that even if you don't agree with her decision that you still have a relationship and you will still be there for her, no matter what. It is also important for her to really understand that she needs interests and a life outside of him. Someone that really loves her will not be threatened by her independence.Let her know how capable she is and that you believe in her. Mentally healthy people do not normally stay in situations that are not good for them too long. I think it will help if your focus continues to be her and helping her be a strong successful woman. Setting boundaries with people in how they treat you is a life skill and will help her immensely. I love what Oprah once said, Every child should hear, "I love you, I respect you, I value you and I forgive you." Wise words. I would not give this situation financial support, but do buy her groceries from time to time or personal items for her. Do pay for the two of you to do things together. Do pray for her and her direction. Even better to get a friend to pray with you for her. Do read Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian. Best parenting book I ever read. It changed my focus when mine were teenagers and really helped my family. Best of luck.

Hi R.,
The others have given you good advice.
I did the same thing when I was your daughter's age.
My mother called the police on me when I was moving out of her house. It only made me want to go that much more.
I lived with him for about 3 weeks, and my mother called and told me she would sign for me to get married. I live in Mississippi, and the law said I could live were I wanted, but couldn't marrie without my parents consent until I was 21. That was 18 yrs ago now...I divorce my first husband 4yrs after we were married, and had a son to provide for.
When I called home it was to talk to my dad, and I asked him to come get me, that I was packing my things. Without any I told you so's, he said he was on his way. I lived one hour drive away....he got there helped me load the truck and took me home. I wish I could say that I learned from this...however it took me a while to learn..I remarried 2 more times to the same kind of men...I had to get right with God before I got It right...I'm married to the best man in the world...he loves my three children, and he respects me.

So my only advice I can give, is to talk with your daughter, but give her space. Let her know that whatever she does you will always be there for her, and that your love for her is forever....Talk to her about the college deal, find out her plans on going or what...ask her where she plans to go to work and how she will support herself and if she get preg, how will she support her child. Remind her that not all men will stay around to help support the child and her. Give her something to think about without being "in her bussiness".
Good Luck and God Bless.

I'm 36 yrs old have 3 children, my son 17 almost 18(not even thinking about girls)his dad will not allow it ,and have twin daughters that are 10 almost 11.

Oh goodnes.. I do not envy you here. I am a young mother, and still have a while before my kids are old enough to make their own mistakes of this kind, however I was a teenager not-so-long ago. I married a guy my parents couldn't stand as well. He was a jerk, but thank God he has turned his life around and become an awesome husband!
I don't know what will happen with the guy your daughter is with, but I DO know that the more you seem to be against him, the more damage its going to do to your relationship with her, and the less likely she will be to listen to you.
If they are already having problems in their relationship and he's not treating her with respect, the reason she is STILL defending him to you is probably just that she doesn't want you to know that you are right about him. No one likes "I told you so" from their parent.
My advice to you is to step aside and let your daughter know that even though you don't like the situation, you are going to try to respect her as an adult and let her make her own decisions. Give her some space and respect. Continue to pray for her and wish her well and she will have to learn from her own mistakes.
Hopefully if you back off a bit she will come to YOU when things fall apart with this guy. If you keep "butting in" she will probably not feel comfortable coming to you with her relationship problems.

I can sympathize with you on your situation. I have been divorced from my daughter's father since Dec. 2000 and they have had no contact with him since November 2004.

My oldest daughter (who is now 23) moved out of the house right after her high school graduation in 2003. She moved in with a guy she met while they were both working a temporary job for our local newspaper. At the time, he was living with three other guys that weren't his blood family but he considered them his family. This was my worst nightmare but knew she was 18 and could legally do it without my permission. I knew nothing of his background, how he grew up, or even where he came from. He had tatoos all over, smoked cigarettes, and marjiuana. Needless to say, he was not my choice for my daughter. They have now been together for 5 years (married 4) and have given me a granddaughter and a grandson. He has not worked much since she moved in with him. I used to think he was 'allergic' to work and she is still the only one working. But now he has a medical reason for not working. At age 30, he had a blood clot in his lung. The hospital finally diagnosed him with COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease) and susceptible to blood clots which are inherited. He will be on blood thinners the rest of his life. His parents have nothing to do with him. I have learned that when he was 14, his military dad put him in juvenile detention and moved out of state without telling him. His mom did nothing to stop this. They left him behind. To this day, he has nothing to do with his dad and very seldom talks to his mom. My daughter has heard him tell his own mom that I treat him more like a son than she ever did. To make a long story short, I let my daughter make what I thought was a mistake but it turned out for the best so far. He is a good father. My 3 1/2 year old granddaughter knows her colors (without hesitation), most of the alphabet, and some numbers. He stays home with the kids while she works and teaches the kids to talk and things they will need to know before going to school. I know things could have turned out differently but glad they didn't. She still calls me to complain about him or work, and I just listen. I can now give suggestions, but it's still up to her what she does about a situation she doesn't like.

I know it's hard but we have to let our kids make their own mistakes so they will grow up. It seems harsh and cruel, but at 18 they think they know everything and have the legal freedom to do as they want. Turning 18 and being able to do as they please is exciting to them. So they won't be thinking ahead of the consequences that could occur. The only thing we can do is to be there for them, no matter what happens.

My youngest daughter just turned 18 in May, so I'm going through this all over again. At least her boyfriend works, but I also know nothing of his past except that his dad has beat his mom up on occasion. That's not a situation I want my daughter in either. All I can do is to make sure that I'm here for her and to listen when she wants to talk.

Sorry to see that you are in a terrble position. I know of a case exactly like yours. They returned home after militay with teenage daughters, one met the wrong crowd, she met a boy who was the same as yours. She end up moving out with mama's boy into his house. They ended up marrying and within the year she finally wised up seeing he was controlling her life. Fortunately they divorce w/o any children. She fortunately met a man married and seem happy the last time I inquired about her. KEEP YOUR DOORS OPEN

God Bless

Hi R.! I agree with the other ladies that you are going to have to let her figure this one out for herself. She will in her own time, unfortunately it will not be as soon as you want her to. I was in the same situation as your daughter at the same age. It took me about three or four years to figure out he and I did not have the same aspirations in life. However, I do think you should check into the age of majority for your area. I do know that in Alabama the age of majority is 19 years of age … meaning you are legally responsible for her until this age. This is only if you wanted to push the issue, but regardless, she is still going to have to figure out for herself that the guy is not right for her. How about offer her an option of going to school for at least one year and then, if she still wants to, she can move in with her boyfriend and you will help her (them) get on her feet while she continues school.
There are several degrees or certifications offered at local community colleges that can be obtained in about one year, such as a licensed practical nurse. At least this way you will have piece of mind that she will be able to make it decently on her own.
Always keep the door of communication open (as I am sure you do).

As hard as it may be for you I think you just need to let her find out for herself that he isn't the right guy. No matter how many times you tell her and anyone else tells her , she has to figure it out on her own. She has to be the one that doesn't want to be treated badly anymore. You should let her know that she deserves only the best and you are there for her if she needs it. Don't push all the bad things you think about him on her. You could maybe even help her with some decorating and cooking when she moves in. She will learn on her own and in not too much time that she isn't happy and will want to move out. She has already said things are ok and not great. I know this will be incredibly hard for you to but it will help in the long run. Good luck!!

when a teen is the age your daughter is, even older, there is no talking to them. cause the more you try to point her away from him, the more she will want to be with him. meaning to say; no matter how difficult it is; sit back and let her make her own choices. but morally always be there for her and always leave your door open to her. if she comes to talk to you about him, just listen and dont judge and or even say bad remarks about him to her. cause she will not come to you if you do that. if willing to write all your thoughts in a journey and put it in a private place. try not to dwell on it cause you are only hurting yourself inside. think of pleasant things. cause you cant change the past or even what your daughter chooses to do. been there with my own daughter. she did grow out of it by the time she was 23. and she is now 26. however, everyone is differant. you dont have to like the guy but try to accept him for her sake. cc

I know that my advice may seem "archaic" to some, and unwanted to others; but the RIGHT thing to do is to let her know that God has SOOO much in store for her life IF she'll choose to do things HIS way. It is not His will that she move in with this young man and is not married to him (as old-fashioned as that may sound, it is right). When He created her, He did so with purpose. And He wants nothing but the absolute best for her. I know that she is almost grown, and the decision is hers alone; but I also believe that as her mother, you want the absolute best for her. I don't know where you stand in your faith (and I'm not here to judge or condemn); but let her know how precious she is, and that this is a path that she DOESN'T HAVE to take. I know we feel like they need to "experience" things for themselves, but as their "leaders and mentors", there are some things that we can tell them or share with them that can be ENOUGH of an "experience"--they can learn from what has ALREADY happened in this world around them. Once you tell her, you can "rest", for that's all that's required of you. I pray for the best for you and her. You deserve it.

It sounds to me that your daughter already knows in her heart of hearts that this relationship is not a good fit for her. Sounds as if she is possibly co-dependant. She probably is a nurturing person and it feels natural to her to try and "take care" of this guy. It is obvious that he lacks the inward inspiration to take care of himself and has a long history of mooching or relying on others to "take care of him". I would point out to your daughter that although this young man DOES needs help, it is of the professional nature and she is not equipt to give him that sort of help. (This is a line we used with our teenaged son when he became involved with a young lady who fits the same bill as your daughter's boyfriend). We DID have a family intervention that included extended family and family friends. There is nothing wrong with that at all and I think it was one of the wisest things that we did and it is one of the best things that you can do at this point even if you involve the other parents...it is OK. Seemingly, if all the bad press doesn't come from "mom" it all becomes so much clearer to the child. One thing that we did do was to focus on our child's wasting potential and talk about the hopes for the future. We did not waste our time "dissing" the girl. We simply said that she and her family did not share the same morals, goals, and expectations that we had for him. (It also helps if you have an example of his actions to share...but don't over do it)

Don't feel too hostile towards grandma...I'm certain at this point she is just happy to have him out of her hair and that is why it seems that she is enabling the situation. Strangely enough, in our situation, that same person was the enabler. Very uncanny. The grandma even became hostile towards our family when our son began tapering off the relationship and news made it back that there was family involvement in the "crisis". I had no comment other than "you do what you see fit for your grandchild and we will do what we see fit for our child" I certainly won't apologize for acting on my child's behalf to prevent a disaster and R., you shouldn't feel guilty for doing the same.

Wow R.....I don't have a teenager but I remember BEING one. I don't have much sage advice, but I believe the key to this is the college opportunity with your daughter. She needs to be enticed into commit herself to attending college. Something to refocus her attention from Mr. Wrong. While boys mature slower than girls, I sincererly hope she does not become pregnant while living with this guy. The fact that her friends are intervening does concern be somewhat. You said there were some fairly major changes to your lifestyle about two years ago....could your daughter be lacking some attention and is seeking it from him? (Remember that even negative attention is still attention.) This is a possibility since 'daddy' has been missing from her life too. What about privacy....since the house seems so full. Is this why she wants to leave the home (other than to be with him.) Is there an attic or basement that could be converted into a study area (for college.) Is there a girlfriend (a cousin, maybe?) that she can move in with? Does she have a job to support herself and pay rent? If she has the means to support herself AND attend college, she could put a notice on the community board at college and get a roommate. Just trying to give you some ideas and a different perscective. I wish you the best.

Since you are dealing with a teenaged girl, the ONLY solution here is to be firm in the things that you say to her, but let her know that you are there for her when she realizes she has made a mistake.

She is going to do exactly opposite of what you want her to, she's still a kid after all. She will figure out eventually that she has made a mistake. Just be sure to get her on a form of birth control that doesn't have to be remembered all the time, so that she doesn't end up "trapped" in the relationship, as many young women do. An IUD of Norplant are both forms of birth control that can't be forgotten.

It is up to you to let her know that you are her mother and you love her very much, but that you htink she is making a mistake. Be sure she knows that after she sees thru this boys game, you will be there for her and she has a place to go to get out of the relationship.

Make firm decisions that show her that you love her, and stick to your guns on them.

Good luck!

hi there R.: There is not much. . In the past, community pressure helped to control such rash actions. If you attend religious services, the pastor etc. might help. Any way you need to bring the problem to God. Because the left has made most people, uncomfortable it was been negated as a source of advise, comfort and practical living guide. Any way God bless and may your angle be of hugh comfort to you. Slobear32.

im sad to say but this is something she feels is something she needs to do..no matter how hard you beg pleade or try to force it will not work it will only put a wedge between you and her. i have been through this (me and my mom) the best thing you can do is be there for her and let her know that you support her in any dission she makes no matter how hard that is for you. this way she will open up to you and you will know what is going on in her life. and no matter what do not tell her what you think she should do unless she ask you..other wise she will close up and not tell you any thing else cause she will think you are judging her and dont trust her dission...the only reason she is lieing to you about their relationship is cause she does not want to addmitt that she was wrong and she wants to be strong and hold on cause it was good at one time and she is hoping it will get better soon..she probly thinks that he is treating her this way cause of all the trouble he is having with his family and feels when she move in with him he will have less to worry about and things will get better between the two of them...but again you can only be supportive and let her know that you are there for her and that you love her and no matter what happens she will always have a home with you...it is a lession she has to learn you can not teach her....it is a hard part of life..if you try she will think you do not respect her as an adult and will make her resent you....ive been there and at first my mom did the same thing and i did not talk to her for over 3yrs. but now we are closer than ever..and she says she is sorry i had to go through that but....there was nothing she could of said that would have changed my mind.i hope this helps....

Since she will be 18 soon I don't know that there is anything that you can do. I would suggest that you continue to urge her to user her scholarship and go to school and let her know that she will always have a home to come back to when it all falls apart (and it will). Let her know how much you love her and try to not be judgmental. She has to see for herself what type of a person that he is. You may also want to talk to her about birth control to insure that when the time comes that she has had enough, that she can walk away and have a clean break and not be tied to him forever. Best of luck to you.
G.

Have you told the 18 year old all that is expected of her by moving out. Have you really talked to her about what she expectes that moving in with this boy will be like? Something tells me she has a childs view of what it will be like. And not an adult view. How will she get food, pay the light bill, water bill, car insurance, and rent. And let her know what you will and will not do. What you expect out of her and under what cirstances you will allow her to move back in.

WOW!!! I totally feel you :( I am 25 years old and put my mother through the same thing. The thing is...kids will be kids and we all have to learn from our own mistakes. It is really really hard to watch the ones you love make such horrible decisions but all you can do is tell them what you know and hope and pray that they will see the light. The more pushy you are the more she will back away. I try to talk to my cousins all the time. They are 17 and 18 years old. It seems like yesterday but such a long time ago. they look at me just as I looked at my mom. I do think however that as long as she has someone there that truly cares for her best interest and she knows that then there is a chance she may turn back. I was missing a lot in my life and mainly it was attention from my mom and i acted out in ways unimaginable. At the time I had no idea that is what i needed but i do now today. Good luck, it is not an easy situation. She needs to live life like an 18 year old and have fun! She will regret it later :(