20 Yr Old Daughter Wants to Move in with Her Boyfriend and His Family

My daughter is 18 (almost 19) and living with her boy "friend" right now. I pay her insurance, but won't after the 1st. I pay her cell phone, but not after the first. And although she could get into pretty much ANY college she wants, she wants to work full time at a grocery and get an apartment.

So guess what? I'm gonna let her. I love her and will be here when she's kicking herself in the head about the fact that she didn't go to college, but she's an adult. And can do what ever she wants to.

Life is full of consequences. Some lessons are hard. And I am a firm believer in trial by fire.

Withhold what you want. But don't give ultimatums, you'll loose. There comes a time...and yeah, it sucks and it's hard, when they have to make the bad choices and you have to let them.

I'm sending nothing but good thoughts your way.

12 moms found this helpful

When I was 18 I was out on my own and had no financial support whatsoever. Why? because instead of going to school under my parent's terms, I wanted to move in with my boyfriend. Rightfully, they didn't need to finance such a bonehead decision. Plus, as of 18, an adult child should be supporting themselves ANYWAY, regardless of relationship. However, my parents would have made the exception to that reality by helping me with school had I been smarter.

So what happened? I spent 6 years working my tail off to survive (climbing a job ladder from waitressing to garment design assistant to designer) and support a no-good boyfriend (and spending time with his lame family) before smelling the coffee, leaving him, paying for some of my own college classes and moving to NY and starting my own company. All on my own hard earned dime.

Would life have been easier if I had just ditched the dude, finished school and gone the comfy way? Sure. But my journey worked out in it's own way. I respect my parents for letting me sink or swim and knowing I would swim.

Boyfriend aside, she's 20. She'll support herself if she has to. I'd let her move in with them (cant' stop her), withdraw all support, and lovingly tell her I think she's better than that and she's wasting her youth in some ways by limiting herself to a home life with someone's parents AND a boyfriend who she may or may not start a life with. But tell her you understand she's an adult and it's up to her. Let your message be you think she's too good for this, not that you're punishing her. Letting her stand on her own feet financially is not punishing her, she needs to learn it. She needs to navigate getting herself a car. It would be preposterous for you to buy it. Same with school, if she's driven to go, she'll work it out, and if there's a small gap to fill in, you can figure it out then, but you shouldn't just pay for it.

12 moms found this helpful

Well, she's 20 years old. She doesn't need your permission to live with her BF, she doesn't need your blessings, either.

Likewise, she's 20 years old and doesn't need your money either. She can get loans to pay her way through school, and new car or no new car, that's really HER problem now, not yours.

These are two seperate and unrelated issues.

So ask yourself, are you helping her financially because you want her to have success in whatever life she chooses to live?

Or are you helping her because you still want control over her choices? So, in effect, you're BUYING the right to say she can't live with her BF?

She's an adult now, so you have the choice. You can cut her loose, tell her YOUR way or the highway, or you can continue to help, just to help without expecting her to follow your rules.

That gray area between childhood and adulthood is pretty tricky, isn't it?

:)

9 moms found this helpful

I don't think there's anything wrong with choosing not to support a grown child who has moved out of your home.

The deal I had with my parents was that as long as I was a full-time student, I lived with them rent-free, they allowed my car insurance to stay under their plan & helped me with school. I did work full-time (at a movie theatre & tutoring on campus) while going to school to pay for my own clothes, toiletries, books for college, gas, etc. Boy, did I have it good & didn't know it!

The main (and really only) issue I had was that they chose to attempt to enforce a curfew as well as just general rules about where I could go, what I could do, stuff like that. I felt as though (and now, as a married adult with children of my own, still do feel) that requiring a curfew of a 20 year old who works full-time & takes a minimum of 15 credits per semester is absurd.

I chose to move out & in with my boyfriend, not his parents, just the 2 of us. We got married 18 months later & are still together today.

My parents took a different approach to my younger sister & asked practically nothing of her & gave her everything they could think of. I guess they decided they didn't like the outcome of their oldest so they would try things differently the 2nd time around...who knows. Anywho....here we are a decade & a half later. She & I are both married with 2 children. The main difference? She, her husband & their 2 boys all still live with my parents. Yes, they have jobs, good ones in fact earning considerably more than my husband & I, but there they still are.

IDK, my point is that I just think it doesn't necessarily have to be all or nothing. I think that if you play it by ear & not immediately be hell-bent on making life-choices for (legally anyway) your adult child, you'll both be happier in the end.

9 moms found this helpful

Have you ever heard of "the golden rule"? -- He who has the gold, makes the rules!! ;-)

Seriously, though, as much as I disagree with her situation, she is of an age to make her own decisions, and if this is her choice, then you can't stop her. But you don't have to pay anything for her. And this wouldn't be a "punishment" necessarily, as much as saying, "All right, you wanna be a big girl? Then you've gotta be a big girl all the way, and not expect mama to pay for anything any more." If she's old enough to live with some guy (especially against your wishes), she's old enough to pay for her own school and her own car. Sometimes, there's nothing that makes a person grow up faster than being forced to grow up in this way.

8 moms found this helpful

Here is the thing. She isn't "playing adult", she is one. If I were in your shoes, I probably wouldn't pay for a new car, but I would continue to pay for her education.

I worked and put myself through college, something my parents wished they could have helped with. This is her future you are talking about, and in my opinion if you have been paying for it before and this is the ONLY reason why you are considering not paying for it any longer then you are punishing her for her decision. At least that is how I would feel about it.

7 moms found this helpful

D., I would pay for her to go to school as long as you see her grades. If she will not let you see grades, no money from you. And pay the school the money - don't give it to her directly.

But no car money. Nothing will give her an incentive to work more than having to save for a car.

About living with the potential inlaws: give up on this. I truly think that you are thinking wrong about this, and you need to get past it for both your sakes. She has chosen a family she wants to be with. It is not too different from living in a dorm with a "family" away from you, except that this family has adults living in it. At 20 years old, she is old enough for a sexual relationship - be grateful that it is with ONE guy. And he is going to college. I know you are thinking about how much she needs to grow up, but really, perhaps this is the best way!

Do you know what traditional college with tuition and board costs? Many college students don't work while they go to school fulltime. And you would pay a monster amount of money for her to live in a dorm (my son is a freshman in college - I know what I'm talking about!)

Tell her that you will only be paying for school and it is her job to pay for everything else, and if you MEAN it and don't deviate, she will learn a valuable lesson in how to NOT overspend. You are worried about her spending $10 when she has $5 - well, this is the best way for her to learn about saving money. If she were in a dorm, she wouldn't learn nearly as well.

You can dig in your heels here on not paying for her school, but your reasons for doing it are punitive and short-sighted. If you truly want her to be able to make a living and learn to handle her finances, you will make it so that she CAN, and then she won't just mooch off of others for the rest of her life. You have tried to teach her certain values over the years - let her figure out how to apply these values to HER life. She is not you - she has chosen to be with this young man before getting married and frankly, I really think that compared to these girls who have sex with lots of guys, drink every night, and skate by with D's while spending "daddy's money", your daughter sounds pretty wonderful.

D.

6 moms found this helpful

YES!! You are doing the right thing in NOT paying!!!

she is an adult. she is making adult decisions.
she wants a new car? she pays for it.
she wants to move in with her boyfriend at his parent's house? her choice.
she wants school paid for? she can use her tip money or she can apply for a grant.

you can lead a horse to water - but you cannot make it drink. Until she REALLY has to accept responsibility for her actions? she will continue to spend more than she takes in (show her how bad our country is! We take in $6B a day and spend $10B - how's that working for us?)

GOOD LUCK!

6 moms found this helpful

Our way would be not to enable a bad decision. That decision may change her path or it may not but if it did, we would not have had any part in it.

We would give her a choice which would be to move on her own ( I think every young adult should experience this) and we would pay for schooling ect or move in with the BF and she would pay for everything.

You are correct age IMO does not make you grown but responsiblity makes you a grown man or grown woman!

If she chooses to move in with BF support her with wisdom & mentally but not financially.

6 moms found this helpful

It sounds like she has a choice:
1. Not live w/ boyfriend and have parental help with school/car
2. Live with boyfriend and she foots the bill for school/car

I think this is fair -- and the choice is hers to make. My daughter is only 6, but we are all about framing things as choices and consequences, even now. That takes the "I'm the bad guy" off of my husband's and my shoulders.

5 moms found this helpful

I'm wondering if you'd feel differently if she was just moving in with girl friends? Or living on campus? A lot of 20 year olds don't live at home anymore.

I don't know the answer. I think pay for tuition, since you do seem to want her to get her license. If she was getting an apartment with some girlfriends, would you hold back tuition then? If you would, I guess that's your answer.

The car? Probably not.

Good luck!

5 moms found this helpful

Yeesh.

When did paying for school = deciding where and with whom your ADULT child lives?

Most college kids change their living situation. Home, dorms, shared apts, frats/sororities, their own apts. While there are parents that are controlling enough that their children can't choose to move out of the dorms into a frat/sorority or roomate situation off campus ... and there are families that make a deal "We'll pay for school as long as you live at home" (usually as a money saving thing)... MOST of the time, college kids change their living situation in order to better suit their needs and personality. Often times they change again, because what they thought they wanted, turned out to not be something they like.

It's a learning process.

She's a young adult, she's going to make mistakes from time to time (learning process), but if you've promised to pay for school... yanking that funding to control where she lives and what she does in her spare time... runs the risk of losing her entirely.

She's an adult. She can choose with whom and where she lives. You obviously have enough influence in her life that she's TALKING with you about decisions she's making (instead of just making them with no imput from you)... but just because you have input doesn't mean you have total say. As an adult, she's free to listen to your advice, and follow part, all, or none of it.

You want to not pay for her school, if she doesn't follow your advice, fine.

But be prepared to lose her.

The more strings you attach, the more likely the puppet will cut them.

5 moms found this helpful

My 18 y/o wants to marry her 19 y/o BF and transfer colleges to be closer to his duty station so I feel your pain but I have talked with her letting her know that I don’t agree and the ground rules are simple: if you wanna act grown I will no longer financially support you because it will then be his responsibility to take care of you. We currently pay her tuition/ room & board, meal plan at school and her cell phone bill. (thanks in part to some peoples advice on mamapedia) I have not revisited the subject and am crossing my fingers, good luck

5 moms found this helpful

Our rule is that if you are not in school, you work. If you live here, you pay rent. If she lived ANYWHERE, she would have her own bills and I think by choosing this living arrangement, she is choosing to live apart from your support.

Personally, I'd say that if she's adult enough to make these choices, she's adult enough to manage her own finances, including schooling. I might pay for this semester and no more (to give her time to figure it out b/c the semester either is going to start soon or just started) and not buy the car.

My DH has a hard time seeing his 22 yr old son as a grown man. It would benefit them both, I think, to stop thinking of him as a child but rather as an adult. Same with your DD.

5 moms found this helpful

Personally, I would not withhold the money for tuition unless you can see that she is squandering the money. What I might do instead is say that when she gets the tuition bill, you will pay the money directly to the school (if your concern is that she is mismanaging $ to the extent that she'd take the tuition money and spend it elsewhere). Her education may just save her butt in the end, from the less than perfect choices she's bound to make along the way.

In regards to the car, I would say that you will allocate $X for the car, and once she matches that amount (or whatever set amount you have in your head that she needs or you two agree on), you'll go with her to the car dealership to hand over the money. Do not get a loan--pay cash for a good used car (use CarMax to help track the car's history). Tell her that you will offer help finding the car, or not, as she wishes, but that you'll go with her to put forth the payment. Again, do this only if she is being irresponsible or you think she'll waste the car money if you just write her a check.

She's an adult, and even though you want to love and protect her from what you view as her mistakes, she needs to make her own choices and learn from them. You can help her by not enabling her, but also by offering her the help in a safe way (instead of writing checks to her, write them to the car dealer & the school, for example). Do talk to her about how you like her BF and you are happy things are going so well for her. Do share your concerns with her, but be non-emotional and use "I" and not "you" phrases. If you have made mistakes in your adulthood, use them as examples, and let her know that you don't want her to make the same ones you did and you want her to . In the end, though, make you are very sincere about the fact that you love her no matter what. That will keep the lines open, even if she's not happy about not getting a blank check.

5 moms found this helpful

She's an adult. It's time to let her try her wings...and possibly fall flat on her face. You have to allow her to make her own choices. You have to let her succeed or fail on her own.

Wash your hands of it. Stop paying her bills. Let her learn a few hard life lessons. From here on out, her decisions are her own. Love her and give her emotional support...but the financial support needs to stop. She can work, drive a crappy car, and take out student loans like many others do. New things and easy living is for those who work for it.

5 moms found this helpful

Adults get married, live with significant others, etc.

Able-bodied, competent adults are not supported by other adults, even when the other adults are parents.

There is nothing punitive or judgmental about those concepts. It's the way life works.

We will let our sons live at home until they are about 20, so long as they are working or going to school, and FOLLOWING HOUSE RULES. We have made that pretty clear.

If other adults choose to support your daughter - that's their poor, enabling choice. I would not make any comments to my daughter about it. All I would do is let her know what I will or will not do. Sometimes divorced parents (I'm one) get caught up in guilt and trying to not lose a relationship with the child. But it doesn't mean we should make choices which inappropriately enable that child (especially when said child is an adult). That's not in their best interests.

Good luck.

5 moms found this helpful

i don't think you have to pay for her schooling or her car anyway. a 20 year old with a job should be able to handle her own car at least.
what was your arrangement about school? was it conditional when you both signed up for it?
my kids are paying for their own college, and we support that by giving them the room-and-board free option, but if they want to move out they are totally within their rights to do so. i'd never tie my support for them to controlling their actions (i'll only pay if you do what i want!) but i also don't feel it's our job to pay for their bills incurred by NOT living at home.
so my take on your situation is that you have every right to make her pay for her own stuff, but i don't think it's okay to manipulate her by offering to pay only if she obeys you. she's 20. it's time for her to start having her own life experiences, which include mistakes.
khairete
S.

5 moms found this helpful

If your daughter wants the continued benefits of living at home she needs to live at home. Personally, I wouldn't pay for the car or her schooling. My father would've made the same decision. I don't think of this as punishment but as life and that's just the way it is. If your daughter wants to be a grown up she's going to have to do it all the way.

4 moms found this helpful

I would pay for the tuition. Education will help should this blow up in her face. No one can take that away from her. As for the car, NO. She is 20 and has a part time job, if she needs a car then she can buy it.

As for living with the bf and family, I would not be happy either. I would also let my daughter know I was not happy with that choice, however, she is 20 and she can do what she wants.

I would tell her that my support for her tuition would continue but any other funds would not. Decisions have consequences, good and bad.

4 moms found this helpful

I saw this statment on Pintrest the other day, "By the time a woman is old enough to realize her mother was right, she has a daughter who thinks she is wrong." LOL
I think you should explain to your daughter in a non acusatory or judging way your concerns about moving in with BF and his family, BUT as an adult you will respect her decision and regardless of how things work out you are always here for her as support, an ear, a shoulder. . . but not a purse.
If you have the $ I would support her in her by paying tuition costs, but not car. Let her know this is a decision regardless of her living situation.
I had to pay for my own college, but my parents helped with my car until I was out of school, but no other expenses and from my experience having that burden off of my shoulders would have allowed me a greater freedom to really focus on my studies.
Good luck with your decision.

4 moms found this helpful

If she is going to live like an adult she needs to really live like an adult. And why at 20 would you be buying her a car anyways? She can save her money and buy her own. I get helping with school, but that's it. I don't get anything else. Plus if she moved out because of your "strict" rules, she should also lose the "extras" she got with you too.

I moved out when I was 20 (2 months before I had my first baby) and paid for everything on my own (with my then fiance and now husband), He is older than I am by a good deal, but didn't have a lot of money - so I had to work and could only afford the things I needed...like toilet paper over an eye brow waxing.

You have to let her make her own mistakes (says the mom who hasn't had to do this yet) and pray she lands on her feet.

4 moms found this helpful

I think you are using the money to manipulate her behavior. If she shared an apartment with girlfriends, would you pay for her school? If so, you should continue to pay. It sounds like she has found a relatively cheap place to live (I assume they will not gouge her on rent) and she is 20. If you don't pay for school - you and she both lose. As far as the car - I don't see that you owe her a new car. Would you be willing to cosign a car loan for her? - then she can pay it off and it will truly be her car.

I don't see why the responders below view her living with her bf as a bad decision. She is 20 - this may or may not be the right man forever. But if his parents are willing to have her live there, it sounds like a good compromise between living at home and living alone.

4 moms found this helpful

pay for her schooling if you can - do not pay for a new car (if hers runs she doesn't need a new one yet) and sit back and hope for the best. Her education is priceless and will give her the tools necessary to succeed in life - don't shortchange her on that. If she is already working full time she might want to bail on school if she can't afford her lifestyle and is making "good money" for a 20 year old. You don't want her to put that idea into action - a life without an education is a rough life.

good luck

4 moms found this helpful

If she wants to act like a grown up, she needs to take on the responsibilities of a grown up. If she moves out, NONE of your possessions go with her, the 18 year old car included. Tough love mama! I was out of the house by the time I was 16, it was the biggest eye opener, the best thing that could have ever possibly happened to me. I needed that kick in the pants ;)

BE strong and let her make her own mistakes; she's realize that you have been right all along, and how good she really has it living with you!! 20 year's old living at home! I didn't even think people did that anymore... ;)

4 moms found this helpful

Well when she left your home to go to dad's that was the end of your rules. The law says she is an "adult" so be it.

I would not buy a new car for her since she wants to live with her boyfriend and his family. See if you can have a meeting about finishing her education. If she doesn't want it, then you are done helping. I know hard but she is the one that it will affect no you. Perhaps she needs this time to find herself as the adult and to distance herself from your grasp.

Know that you did your best to put good morals in her that hopefully will guide her in her life. We all have rebelled against our family in some manner some more than others but we do cut the cord. Perhaps if you don't say anything more about the living arrangements and the boyfriend she might cool her heels. Otherwise you are in for a rocky road for the next 5 to 10 years.

Maybe his parents think that if they allow him to have her live with them they will be able to hold onto their son for a little longer. There is no way to understand. Have you contacted his parents about the arrangement? They may have a different take on it than you may not know about. Just a thought.

Good luck to the wonderful world of adult parenthood.

The other S.

PS What's that saying: The buck stops here.

PS My daughter wanted to leave home at 18 but couldn't afford to. She left home at 26 and has been on her own ever since.

4 moms found this helpful

"Am I doing the right thing by not paying for schooling or buying the new car?"

Yes.

It's not about control. It's about choices and consequences.
If she is adult enough to decide where she wants to live, she is adult enough to pay for her school and car.

4 moms found this helpful

I suppose maybe the boyfriend's mother doesn't want her on the road driving the 40 miles each way weekly to come there if they have room for her to stay. She is 20; she's an adult. I think the decision is hers, though it doesn't sound like the best decision to me until she at least finishes school. If it were me I would think hard about continuing to pay for her school, as long as she is truly dedicated and making a big effort to do well there (which I would definitely speak to her about). But the car? No, probably not. I'd just take it into the mechanic and make sure it's safe on the road. If she wants something pretty, she can save her money and buy it herself.

4 moms found this helpful

Yes, you are doing the right thing. Sit her down and and tell her that since she feels like she is old enough to be out on her own (ie moving in her with her boyfriend and family), that she's old enough to take care of her own expenses. Tell her that you respect her as an adult and if she feels like she's ready, she's ready. Growing up isn't a punishment.

Just keep the door open because it might not work out for her, but don't say that.

3 moms found this helpful

I'd say if she's moving out, she's an adult. I wouldn't fight her on it, but there is no reason you should support an adult who is living on her own. Especially if you don't agree with it!

3 moms found this helpful

I agree with you. It's one thing to step aside and allow her to make her own choices. But you don't need to pay for her to make those choices. If she moves out, she pays her own bills.

3 moms found this helpful

It's time to cut the apron strings. She is an adult and not always making good decisions. Talk to her about setting up a budget and working within her budget. She needs to learn how to manage her money and keep a car running and pay for her education and have the necessary clothes. If you continue to bail her out when she overspends she will never learn how to be independent.

3 moms found this helpful

I would tell her that she is just going to have to be a drop out. If she doesn't qualify for financial aid since she is not living at home and is over the age of 18 that she will just have to make do.

She can work as a waitress for a lot of years.

3 moms found this helpful

You're doing the right thing!!

2 moms found this helpful

I think you are doing the right thing. She can suck it up living with you or dad while you pay for school, but if she chooses to move in with boyfriend, she needs to figure out how to pay for school and a car herself. If she wants to act like an adult and be able to make adult decisions, then she can start figuring out how to take on more adult responsibilities. Stop enabling her and let her finally stand on her own 2 feet. Then maybe she'll start to learn the hard way.

You've had 20 years to instill a sense of responsibility into her - now she needs to figure things out on her own if she hasn't already. Hopefully she will grow up and smarten up real fast.

2 moms found this helpful

I would do the same as you. You have given her the consequences to her actions, so it is her decision. You do not *have* to buy her a car or pay for her schooling. Just like she doesn't *have* to abide by your wishes.

2 moms found this helpful

You may not like her living arrangement, but as she is an adult you need to let her make that decision on her own. At 19, after my sophomore year of college, I spent my summers living with my fiance. My Mom wasn't crazy about that, but she didn't stop supporting my going to school, or take me off her health insurance plan while I was in college. She gently cautioned me about the risks and her concerns. She did not threaten or make me feel like I was on my own if everything went to hell. I have now been happily married nearly 20 years to that same guy I lived with all those years ago. Keep an open mind.

I drove a rusting beater car that I paid one third myself for, my Mom paid a third, and my Dad paid a third. And I was grateful to have it. I would not dream of expecting my parents to provide a new car. If it needed maintenance, I was responsible. I put a whole lotta miles on that Chevy driving to numerous visits my finance (4 hours away) on weekends and my Dad let me know that was my choice, and they would not be helping me with any additional vehicle money. Let her figure out herself how to afford another car if she needs one. I don't think it helps her to grow up if you buy her a new car.

I would continue to pay for her schooling. But I'd only pay directly to the school, not to her, since you say she is a poor money manager. Also I'd make it conditional upon decent grades. If she wants you to make this investment in her, she needs to show you she is serious about not throwing it away.

2 moms found this helpful

This is what I'd ask her . ..
"Ok so you want to move out of your parents house into someone else's parents house. How does that make since? "
If she really wants freedom she will move out on her own or join the military. Instead of havign to rely / depend on someone else.
If the 18 yr old car is still running , then she doesn't need a new car. I would at least help with school as long as she's making good grades but not if she's living with someone else.

2 moms found this helpful

Yes you are doing the right thing. Your 'obligation' of support technically ended the day she turned 18. Maybe the bf family feels that they are helping her by letting her live with them. Will she be paying rent?

I agree with you. I don't think that she should be moving in with them. She should be renting a room or apartment with friends that she is not romantic with. That way she has a path to independence, and a place to be when she just wants some space.

While its true that everyone needs some help and financial support to get on their feet, its up to them to stand up and walk on their own.

2 moms found this helpful

She's 20 years old and entitled to make her own decisions, but if she's making the choices then she's also choosing the consequences. If she moves in with him then you have every right to withhold paying for her schooling. You don't owe it to her. If she wants to play house then she can pay her own way. Just be prepared for it to backfire on you because it could damage your relationship with her to have a rule like this attached to your money/her tuition.

2 moms found this helpful

Absolutely the right thing.

2 moms found this helpful

Hey -
I feel the same way you do about the living situation, but I am not sure that I would withhold money from her. I think A.C. below hits the nail on the head. Continue to support her and help her provide a good life for herself - but only continue under conditions like A.C. has laid out. Excellent advice!
Some questions you can ask yourself to help you figure out how you feel about all of this:
1. Would you feel this same way if your son was moving in with his girlfriend and her family?
2. Would you feel this same way if your daughter had her own apartment and her boyfriend moved in with her?
Really figure out if you feel this way because she is a girl or because you are paying for things and she is not doing what you want.

Good luck!
L.

2 moms found this helpful

You are doing right.
I would have started backing off paying for her when she moved in with Dad 2 years ago.
Getting a newer car is her problem to solve and so is her tuition and bills.
The reserves takes women - maybe she should join too.

2 moms found this helpful

My children get $500 towards a car. That will buy an 18 yo beater. If they want something nicer they better have the money for it. Even my 10 yo has a dog walking job to save for his car.

Your daughter is 20 and wants to be a grownup, so be it. The buck stops now, literally. No more financial assistance from mommy.

Is she also on your wireless plan and insurance? What about health insurance?

Stand up for your morals and values. She will respect you more for that than if you kowtow to her every whim. She may hate you today, but she will come around.

2 moms found this helpful

My example, though not the same, is nevertheless similar. My daughter was in college at age 19, in a 3-year relationship with a young man who was 23. She was living at home at the time, we were paying for her college tuition, but she worked at Six Flags and earned all her own spending money and car upkeep. The car we also gave her including the insurance. She told me she and this young man were talking about marriage. I had very good reasons why I didn't want her to marry him, but I was smart enough to know if I voiced these reasons, she'd probably go straight to a JP and get married. I simply told her that if she got married, we would no longer be responsible for her college education--it would be the responsibility of her and her husband, and that I thought as highly as his folks regarded education, they would probably not respect her as much w/o her degree. I reared all my daughters to get that degree BEFORE they married (my biggest regret) so they would be equipped for life with or without a man. Well, she thought about it and decided not to get married. They broke up a year later, to my delight, and she eventually married a great guy we all loved. Kids today are choosing to skip the ceremony and just live together---but to me that is virtually the same thing. She will be on her own---let her go! Tell her since she's going to be living and sharing with that young man (with or w/o his family), she'll just have to learn to do without your contributions. As long as she was living "single," so to speak, you felt you should help her. This won't sound like punishment, but rather calling a spade a spade. If she's going to "act" like an adult, let her go all the way and assume all the responsibilities of being an adult. Too many people these days want their cake and eat it, too. If your daughter is going to fall on her face, financially or otherwise, better it is sooner than later for both of your sakes. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I moved away at 16. Not once did I expect my family to pay for anything. I wanted to be an adult so I had to act like one. You are doing the right thing. A 20 year old can't expect to be taken care of! If she wants that, she should have stayed with you at your house. It is her decision if she wants to live with her boyfriend, but it's not your responsibility to support her.

1 mom found this helpful

Yes you are doing the right thing. My dad told me as long as I was in school he would pay car insurance and I was responsible for the rest(student loans,working, etc). I didn't have a free ride, I had to work, but they helped me. I knew what help I was going to receive so I could budget and prepare. There is a price to freedom. It sounds like your daughter wants that freedom w/o having to pay for it. This will be a good lesson for her. If she wants to take the big step, then she needs to know the purse strings will be cut. YOU have to make sure not to bail her out if the car dies, or when not if some other financial crisis comes. Sit down and talk w/ her and the boyfriend and let them know where you stand. If she wants to come back later, be prepared with a list of conditions. For example, she will pay you some rent and be responsible for duties around the house...don't do her laundry for her!
She is an adult. She has the right to move in with her boyfriend, but there is a price for those decisions and you need to make them clear to her. Once a parent always a parent. Don't miss out on this teachable moment. Be nice about it, but be clear and make sure to stick to whatever decision you make.

Take Care.

1 mom found this helpful

My kids are 18 and 19....that said, if she has a job, chooses to live contrary to your opinion (which is her right at 20) then you certainly have the right to not pay for school or the car. If she feels she is old enough to live as she chooses then she is old enough to pay her own way. It is not different that if she was living on campus and wanted to move to an apartment - it is not controlling for a parent who is footing the bill to have the final say. If her car is running - no car. As to school, I am a big believer in school but not paying one semester will not ruin her future. I would tell her that I respect her right to choose her living situation even tho I disagree so she needs to respect my right to no longer pay her bills.....unless it will greatly impact her graduation....I am not familiar with that sort of school and do not know if they can skip a semester 'safely'....as to those that call this 'controlling' - yes it is, controlling your personal finances....and that you have the right to do! good luck and I hope she learns to value herself more than moving in with his family.....

1 mom found this helpful

I am far from having a daughter this age. I just wanted to let you know that I think you're a good mom! Hang in there!

You have the 'right' to not support her financially. But thinking of yourself as "right" and her as "wrong" is not smart if you want a relationship with your daughter, ever.

1) Stop treating her like she is "playing grown-up" when she is and has been for at least 2 years. Children have married younger for hundreds of years. And if you think that she isn't ready, then failure is in yours and her father's hands, since it was your job for the last 18 years to prepare her for life on her own.

2) You never need an excuse to give or keep your money. It's yours. As they say, "never explain, your friends don't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyway."

Sounds to me like you need to stop judging her life decisions and start supporting and loving her UNCONDITIONALLY. Mistakes and all. This, of course doesn't cost you a dime and is priceless to her.
Good Luck.