Need Help with Behavior Problems at School

I am reading "Bounderies with Kids" by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend. It is a wonderful book and I recommend it for anyone who struggles with children who have behavior problems.Good Luck!

P.

The ordeal that your grandson has gone through has been traumatic. Put yourself in the place of this 5 year old who at this time does not understand why he is no longer with his parent(s). There is no telling what he has heard and he might feel that he is to blame for having to leave the parent. Thus the reason for his acting out. He is testing those around him to see if he will be removed again. He needs to know that no matter what, he is yours and he is going no where. That level of comfort is going to take some time but it will happen. Please use patience with him. Talk to the school counselor and confide in that person what is going on. That person should be able to not only help you but also go into the classroom and see what can be done to help him there. By no means allow them to talk you into placing him in special education because he needs a smaller class setting to cope. This happens a lot to young boys.

He is also in need of therapy to be able to process on his five year old level what is going on around him.

Bless your heart. I am sorry for whatever put you in this situation. Im sure you realize this already but I dont blame him for acting up. I think you are wonderful for stepping in. Take one day at a time and remember he did not put himself in this situation, and ask for help when YOU need to. There may be times that you feel impatient or tired or interrupted, you have every right to feel that way. What you are doing is hard. Find playdates and parks and get out of the house as much as possible. Thank you for loving your grandson and reaching out to him. Having said all that, I have said a prayer for your family and have some PRACTICAL advice for you that has helped others.....

Talks back-maybe thats the behavior that has been modeled for him so he doesnt know any different *Make sure to be a good example of kind words so that he can learn how to speak nicely to others, kids model what they've seen, it will take more than a few weeks for him to catch on , he's only 5, i know some adults who NEVER learn how to respect others!! Have a special meeting with the teacher WITH HIM, talk to her ahead of time so se will know that you are going to give him a chance to HEAR the teacher say to him in front of you that she would like to be spoken to with "sweet words" or whatever phrase she likes to use, that way it will be familiar when he returns to the classroom...make it a positive experience, bring cookies to share...not "IM GOING TO TALK TO YOUR TEACHER!" He probably has enough negative going on in his life? Do not expect immediate or consistent results, it will take time..

Tells her he doesnt have to do what he says- he probably feels very out of control in general and doesnt know how to express it, being taken out of his home (even if it was a bad situation) can make a child feel very rebellious and they dont know how to figure all of that out, they are just too immature at 5 years old * Hug him and put him in your lap and tell him you know its hard to follow rules but here are the consequences and rewards he will have each day , Be specific...Ex - If you did better at following teachers rules today I will draw a picture WITH you and hang it on the wall in the hallway, If you had a hard time following rules today then no tv today, you'll have to play in your room ...before you know it your hallway may be filled with wonderful pictures that represents how hard youve both worked and all the time youve spent together!

Must have the last word-the teacher will have to learn to ignore this, kids talk back, it takes two to have an argument, but i think its another symptom of him feeling unheard in situation, dont you? It sounds like SHE is trying to have the last word too...immature and ineffective

Not pass Kindergarten-although it seems horrible to you right now, spending another year in kindergarten may be good for him, *a fresh start with new friends and maybe a new teacher ......*one year more mature...... *a chance to do a year over in a better situation than he had this year, I say roll with it and if it happens be positive about it

Dear P.,

You can love him a lot and help him talk about it and 5 years olds do that a little differently than us adults. If you are here in the D/FW area I recommend Patti Villalobos at the Center for Family Development ###-###-#### and on the web at www.c4fd.com My boys think she is the best!
He needs someone that can get him to unlock what he is struggling with and Patti and her collegues are wonderful.
My family will pray for you and your grandson.
sincerely,
B.

He may need to repeat the grade due to his behavioral problems. If he wasn't receiving the right care with his mother/parents he probably didn't learn enough regardless and repeating the grade may help alot in the long run. I came from a broken home and jumped between my aunt and uncles house and back to my mother and grandmother and I wish I would have repeated a grade to learn what I wasn't learning while I was with my mother. It would have helped me alot.

He already has anger and confusion I don't believe hitting is the answer, lots of patience, love and talks are a better choice. He needs your attention most of all. Super Nanny and Nanny 911 are seriously very helpful and the techniques they use work. You can also get books from Super Nanny that I swear by. He may also need therapy.Good luck and let me know how it works out. Lots of structure and consistency is key, he probably didn't have alot of that before. Kids feel secure the more structured they are. I know from experience!

1. The acting out is probably due to the changes in his life. It is hard for little ones to understand.
2. If he does have to repeat kindergarten, it is not a bad thing. There are people purposely holding their kids back. It has nothing to do with their level of intelligence. It has everything to do with their social abilities.

Hi P., you have not mention what caused you to take custody of your g-child. I can assume this is due to something going on at his home. Please remember he is experiencing a change in his life on top of whatever he has experienced at home. I think sooooo many times, we as adults think that kids can just bounce back from issues in their lives, well some kids do, but the majority do not, I would first try to get him to open up & talk with you about whats goin on in "HIS WORLD". You may also want to think about some counseling, no he is not to young. If the school does not have any background as to what this little guy has been through, I would also recommend filling them in, so they can help him adjust. Things will get better, as long as you get to the root. God Bless, T.

I am a grandmother that is raising my 5 and 7 year old grandsons. My situation is a bit different than yours in that I have had these two since the 5 year old was born. Now I am facing the decision of holding the 5 year old back due to him being barely 5 when he entered K and everyone else already 6. He has had issues because we moved but I found that the very moment I got him settled into our new church, he found an inner peace and settled down at school as well. He is involved with AWANA's and is very proud now. It is worth the shot.

Bless your heart. You need to get a handle on that before he gets any older and it becomes a real problem.
First, if you don't mind me saying, repeating kindergarten is not the end of the world and may do him good. He may need some stability and repeating the grade may give him familiarity and a sense of control over his own life. He may grasp school easier and be better at things because he is older and it will build his self confidence.
Two, he apparently needs lots and lots of love and a little tough love too. I recommend lots of hugs and positive feedback for him and also a firm "NO" when he acts up. If the teachers know what is going on, sometimes they are more understanding.
A firm hand when he is bad and lots and lots of praise when he is good. Once he is with you for awhile some of these behavior problems may go away by themselves.
One other thing, if his momma was not being the 'momma' he may feel he was the one caring for her - no matter how small he is boys worry about their mommas - he may feel helpless and lost without his 'place' and not knowing how his momma is. Does he keep in touch with her?
If he does not seem to get better please take him to see a councelor just in case something has happened to him he cannot tell you. So many little ones without a whole family. God bless you for coming into his life as his guardian so he is not lost in the system. C.

I used to teach kindergarten and this is very common for his situation. Best bet is to get the counselor at the school involved. He needs some role play and some individual attention to help with the changes going on in his life, it usually takes a 3rd party (counselor) to help with that. He will turn around, his emotions are cloudy right now.
A child cannot repeat a grade based on their behavior. But if he is a young kindergarten student (summer birthday especially) it might not be a bad idea to hold him back.
Hang in there, it will get better!

P. are you familiar with the stages of grief? That is what is going on. In his anger, he is responding the way he can to a loss that is monumental to a child. Sometimes, children experience depression, too. You should be able to partner with the school counselor and principal to help him through this period of adjustment. Regardless of the fact that you're his grandmother, you're not his mother nor is your place the home he has always known. Patience is the key and letting him know that he is not some kind of inconvenience to you and that he is love. At the same time, he still needs to know what is and is not allowed in your home and your expectations of him. When he does something that goes against that expectation, let him know that there are consequences. Parents/teachers need to model the behavior that is to be expected of children. They learn by repetition not "Do as I say and not as I do!" methods. When there is an infraction, make sure that he can understand WHY the behavior was not desired instead of just punishing and spanking.

P.,
as a K teacher, and from being a mom myself, i can tell you that a lot of behaviors you are dealing with are probably stemming from the reason that you have temporary custody of him. I don't know your situation, but when kids lash out like that it is usually because their behavior is about the only thing they can control. He can't control why he was taken away from his parents or things like that. He is probably hurt and confused and doesn't know how else to express it except to talk back!

Talk to him and reassure him that you are there for him through all of this! Be as open and honest with him as you can. I know that there are some things that you cannot share with him about the situation, but talk to him about what you can. Don't make promises that can't be kept. Let him know that he can talk to you about how he is feeling anytime!

Talk to his teacher. Ask that he speak with the counselor at school. he might open up to her. Play therapy could be good for him.

Hope these things help!

Hi P. P,

First I want to say that it is a wonderful thing that you have stepped up to the plate to care for your grandson. I also want to encourage you to be patient. As others have mentioned he is likely hurting in his heart and this behavior can be a reaction to that. I would like to say that even children in pain don't react from things they don't know, so to some extent he is probably using tactics he formerly used at home. I highly recommend reading up on "parenting with love and logic." I have a strong willed son and it has proved very helpful to me. If you decide to use the love and logic approach it might also be helpful to let his teacher borrow the book when you're done so that she can reinforce the same type of discipline in class. Aside from getting his behavior under control, I would hug him more than you think he needs, I would sit with him and read aloud everyday, and I would tell him that you love him again and again. He may also be testing the people around him. If he is feeling abandoned he may be trying to force another abandonment from you or his teacher or both.

Hi P.. Please talk to his teacher and see if he/she will agree to a "self" monitoring system. My son's kindergarten teacher did this and it worked wonders.
She created a time grid (started at 15 minute increments, then moved it to 1/2 hours as he improved) and she and my son reviewed his behavior for the 15 minute period that had just elapsed. If he was well behaved, he recieved a smiley face; not so well-behaved, they "X"d the time. They created targets and he was rewarded for achieving it (example -- less than 10 "X"...over time the target was less than 5,3, etc.) He was rewarded with simple items such as (1) favorite book read to the class; (2) helping the teacher; (3) being line leader, etc. Of course, the best reward was his teacher's praise when he did well.
This process worked wonders with my son. It was his teacher's idea and must have your grandson's teacher's involvement to work.
good luck!

I am not an expert by any means. I have my own discipline issues with my four year old. Not knowing the full situation, my guess is your grandson is needing a lot of reasurance and has the need to feel loved no matter what. The new environment and situation for him is very stressful and unsecure for a five year old(new gardian, new home, new school, new friends to make, new teacher). It sounds like he is trying to take control of a situation he feels to be very unstable in the only way he can think of. At five, he hasn't had a chance to developed the best coping skills. He needs our help, love and reasurance.

Try giving him a lot of extra attention, not focussed on the actions he is doing wrong. He is a great little boy who is just going through a difficult time. However, the negitive actions should not be accepted or ignored. They need to be corrected, but in a very loving and supportive way. It is obvious to me you love him very much or you wouldn't be concerned. He is needing to feel your unconditional love as you guide him in the proper way he should behave.

I would recommend talking to his teacher and/or the school councelor (without him present) and let them know the situation at home as well as the situation which resulted in your temporary custody. They need to understand the situation and see your commentment to work with them. They may have ideas on how to work with you to help your grandson adjust to his new situation.

Helping him learn how to deal with lifes ups and downs, is far more important for him in the long run. If he still ends up being held back, it would not be the end of the world. He might even benefit from an extra year to mature before having to deal with the increased pressures of the higher level grades. It would be much better for him to be held back now than later.

I pray for God's guidance in your situation. Look to Him and He will guide you.

P. I dont know the reason behind you getting him.It might be a rebellion coming from him thinking if he dosen't like it hear by acting out in school he can go back to his home.I would try a school counsler or possibly get him into consuling some where else. Or maybe your pastor at churh or someone he trust to talk to. He is so young to have to go threw changes of that kind in there lives at this age. Im a granmother also but haven;t raised any of our grankids. I'm not sure I could do it again at my age now.Alot has changed since then,But we do what we have to do for any of our kids. So I really admire you beeing there for your Granchild.
GOd Bless you for being there for him an hope you find a solution for him.I will keep you both in my prayers.
M. H

My advice to any parent having school issus with their kids is to go sit a day in the life of the kid. Especially for young children, using terms like don't talk back, don't be ugly to the teacher, etc. are too broad. It will be much more effective to be IN the situation to explain to him EXACTLY what he's doing wrong and to give an alternative that will be better for next time. It will also give you a chance to help the teacher decide what would be the best way to deal with each problem area. Obviously your grandson hasn't had the best start in life and may even see you or the new surroundings as your fault. I think some positive encouragement and rewards will be much more effective than negative punishments. Perhaps every time he has a good day you can let him play on the school playground for 15 min before leaving or whatever fits into your schedule that he will enjoy. Also, set rules as to what is a good day, I don't think you can expect a 5 yr old to have a day with no reminders of rules or limitations. Maybe the reward (staying to play) should be decided by the teacher each day... was he helpful, did he try to follow the rules, was he respectful of himself and others and if he doesn't deserve it, what can he work on tomorrow. This will allow him to see you, him, and the teacher as a team and he will know everyone is on his side.

Have you talked to the school counselor? She/he might could help him and you. He has alot of stuff going on in his mind and heart. He's angry, and insecure. If you are a praying woman, pray constantly for you and him and the situation. Only time can tell how he will do. If his situation changes again, all of his progress might fade and have to be remade. Don't worry too much about school, it's kindergarden, and he will be able to catch up easily. Stay strong and know I'm praying for you guys. Keep in mind all the good things he does no matter how small and praise, praise, and praise him for them. Maybe if he his seeking attention, he only knows how to "act bad" to get it.
Maybe possitive praise for possitive actions will encourage him to seek more of the same.
In God's eyes the children are the most precious to Him, and He holds them closer than anyone else.

It is not the most tragic thing for a five year old to repeat kindergarten. It sounds like he has a lot going on in his little life and school is just another place for him to let everyone know he is not happy with all the changes. MANY five year olds are held back a year so they start kindergarten at six. In many cases its done for developmental issues, in others its done so the boys will have the competitive edge in sports (older 18 and 19 year old seniors) and therefor scholarships. A couple of suggestions: 1-Volunteer in his class room. Not as a way of disciplining him, but to show him you're interested in what he is doing. And to give him one constant (you) in his life. You don't have to volunteer every day, but pick two and make them consistent, so he can learn to count on you and your word. 2- pull him from kindergarten and have fun for the rest of the year. Look to enroll him in kindergarten again next year. Holding them back at this age is less detrimental to them than at say, third or fourth grade.

Love him - Love him - Love him. And bless you for being available to him during whatever crisis brought him to you.

You are covered in prayer - Suzi

I found this to be very effective. When given instructions and a student/child comments/argues I told them, "I didn't ask a question, it doesn't require a response." They got it and kept arguing to a minimum. For some, I only said it a few times, max. For others, it was a frequent reminder that I guess made sense to them because they would not say another word. Sometimes I would tell a student, "You don't have to like. You may think it's stupid. Just say, "Okay", do it and we can talk later." If you follow through with talking later, it's very effective.

It seems he hasn't had any proper discipline up until now, so it can't really be expected for him just to automatically know how to 'respect' his elders. I know sometimes teachers, etc. fail to realize this-they just dismiss it as an annoyance and don't think about why the child is actually misbehaving in the first place. You recently got custody-there's one big change in his life. He moved to a new city-there's another big change in his life. He started a new school. There's another. Maybe the kindergarten year should be time for him to learn respect and adjust to his changes at home. I'm not sure what state your in, but kinder isn't mandatory in most states. But, once you've enrolled him-they usually have to finish. Unless, you home school him. In TX you just have to withdraw and tell them you are going to home school, that is considered private school and the public school district has no jurisdiction to tell you can't. My kids attend public school, but I did look into this for my daughter when she was experiencing trouble. Kinder is basically learning the alphabet, numbers, basica addition, and forming sentences with small words, etc. But, when he has bigger issues going on, being in a public classroom setting may be too much for him right now and it would prevent him from absorbing the information. He could still start first grade next year if you chose this route. Possibly a counselor would be a good idea for him considering his change. Good luck, I know it's h*** o* you. Be strong, and stick by his side. He's only 5, there is much time for him to grow in the right direction!

Hi P.,
I'm not sure what your grandson has been through (if any). I have a 6year old son and I know sometimes he does things to get attention. I have had a talk with him and told him their is no reason for him to acting that way. He has a folder for school and it shows how they did for the day. They have a sheet that has smilie faces on it and she colors in the colr how they did. Green good, yellow kinda acted up, orange told them not to do something over and over, and red acted up all day. He has came home with yellow I really don't get that upset just talk to him and ask him what happened sometimes he just says mom I don't know I just had a bad day. When he comes homw with orange or red. I talk to him about his day and he's grounded that day. No going outside to play with his friends and no tv. Wjen he gets in trouble at school have a talk with him and then tell him well since you acted up then you can't go outside or take something away from him that he loves. Hope this helps.
B. H.

He is probably acting out with the changes in his life. 5 year olds really take that to heart. You might want to get him into play therapy, and work with the therapist on ideas to help him feel more secure. I see this alot in divorce and custody cases as a lawyer. I would not ignore it for sure and you are right to be concerned. We just want our little guys to thrive and be happy. J. D.

Is he already in play therapy? Sometimes it is not such a bad thing for a boy to repeat kindergarten. Boys are usually more inmature and since he has had a rough time of life lately it might do him good to start next year ahead of all the other kids.
Talk with the school counselors and see what they can do for you as well.
I will be praying for you!

Hi P.. I understand your worries and feel your pain. I work at a private school for children in 5th-12 grade with learning disorders. Most of these children have behavioral problems. I see a lot of behavior problems!!
You need to stop the misbehavior ASAP, and get it under congrol. Get him involved in church or some form of religion. Secondly, have him talk to someone!!! Those are the biggest forms of advice i can give! He sounds like he's very angry. He wants to be in control of something he can't be in control of. He needs to learn that something aren't controllable.
God Bless and take care!
S.

We are foster parents- therapeutic and this is typical behavior. I would get some books related to kids with them having to leave home. There are some great ones out there for foster kids and I'm sure there is some when they go to live with Grandparents.

Mardel has some great books on anger and different feelings. I would recommend getting these for your Grandson.

Get him into drawing that will really help him. We've used play therapy on pretty much all of our foster kids and I would highly recommend this. If you are in Fort Worth, we can recommend some play therapists to you. I would talk to the teachers and let them know what is going on and also to the counselor of the school.

We use Love and Logic and it helps a lot. That will help you deal with him better too. Get down on the floor and play with your Grandson, you can learn a lot that way. Play with the old fashion toys, they are much better than the sophisticated toys with all the bells and whistles today. Let him play with blocks, cars, chalk, paint, ball, sand,etc... I would get involved in a great church and get him involved with Sunday School and active in a hobby. You could also give him a pet, that might be very comforting for him, if you are up for a pet.

If things get worse, you could always get an evaluation by a Psychologist and see what they recommend for him and see what is going on. If you are in Fort Worth, they do a lot of testing- ears/hearing, speech, etc..., you could get him thoroughly checked out to make sure nothing is wrong. I would take him to the Dr. to get him a Physical evaluation to make sure nothing is going on.

Our Foster Care Agency offers trainings to the public for a fee. All Church Home is in Fort Worth on Summit and you can call them or check their website www.allchurchhome.org They offer Love and Logic and other great trainings for difficult children and their behavior. Hope this helps, good luck

My heart aches for you, because I know what you are facing. I reared 2 of my grandchildren. Having said that, may I suggest counseling for him, if you can afford it. If not, then just hunker down and try to reassure him of your love--the undconditional kind. He's experienced rejection of some sort and is now trying to prove he's not worth anything. His teacher should be a part of helping him, if she can. I know teachers have more on their plate than they can do, but it takes only a minute to reassure him of her love even while putting him in "time-out." The repeated assurance that you aren't going to "throw him away," what he thinks, probably, will eventually pay off. Some scars will remain, but with God's help, he can overcome them. I know. My 20-year-old grandson has come out of drugs and is now committed to full-time Christian service. It took years of prayer and trusting God to do His healing work in him.

Your grandson is probably acting this way as he tries to adjust to his new home environment. Talk with his teachers and make them aware of his new living arrangements and maybe he just need more attention from the teachers as i'm sure this change is h*** o* him as I take it that his mother maybe not be in the picture as often as she once was. Continue to love him and praise him on the good things that he do and tell him that you see a bright future for him and how much you adore having him with you. It may just take some time. If you don't see changes in the near future, counseling may help the both you adjust. Good Luck!

Read (and apply!) "Love and Logic"

www.loveandlogic.com

Your grandson is feeling deserted. Yes, you are there, but are you staying? He doesn't know and he's probably angry. He needs counseling. Get someone involved who counsels children. Thank heavens he has grandmother who loves him so much. He may not realize that now, but he will so just keep loving him.

Don't underestimate what talking to him over and over can do. Why not have the teacher over for dinner a few nights. When he starts coming around and realizes that the teacher and you are trying to help him and do what is right for him, you can start taking him out to do things together. Counseling never hurts either.

How sad for the little guy. His behavior seems to be the only thing he can control. He needs a lot of love and understanding. The school should help you with some resources.

L.