6 Year Old Becoming More Violent at school...what to Do?

There have been a lot of changing - you just added a new baby to your family - right? She's no longer the "baby" of the family.

No judgment here. You have a lot on your plate. It sounds like you and your ex are co-parenting and working together to raise the kids. That's GREAT!!

Talk with the school counselor to see what he/she says about the outbursts of anger.

If she is grounded - and at home with you - she shouldn't get TV time or fun time - grounding is supposed to be punishment. So she should be doing school work or reading...but not having fun if she's home with you. I know it's hard. But if she has fun with you while being grounded - she might start acting out more so she can be closer to you.

Good luck!! I hope the school counselor can help you get to the bottom of it.

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She obviously has some anger she is acting on. It sounds like she may still be dealing with anger from the divorce and is using this as her means to act on it. Did your ex ever do counseling for her? Sounds like she needs some anger management. She needs to get it now because if she is doing this already, there is a pretty good chance it's only going to get worse.

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First of all, I commend you for thinking unselfishly and giving her the best option available. I do hope he is a great parent.

She sounds angry. What happened since K started?
Is there a new girlfriend? Boyfriend?
Is she behind? Getting enough sleep? too much sugars/carbohydrates?
Is Dad attentive to her needs? Not punishing her for being naughty but sitting down with her and spending time with her every night; reading, looking at stars, calling you,
Has her routine changed? Bedtime, dinnertime

Have dad talk to the teacher and come up with some positives. In K and 1st mine would get chocolate milk for getting a smiley at school. He really worked for his smileys.
Do not buy her anything, but sometimes time can be a positive. If you get a smileys at school all week, we'll go to the park on Saturday. And give her the chocolate milk or whatever every night.

ETA: A new baby is huge!!! She doesn't know her place anymore.

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I always admire someone who knows what they are able to handle and what they are not.

Your ability to think of your child first and not yourself/your 'image' is something you should be very proud of.

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Please dont judge her as being a bully, or let others judge her or label her. She is very young, often the kindergarten child who hits, pushes and bites comes from a very good home but is just Very immature. Do you see immaturity in other aspects? it's possible your daughter needs a counselor, not suggestions from random people on this Site. She doesnt understand divorce, separation etc. because she's only six. and this is how she's acting out. I'm no expert but It may be more healthier for her to turn her aggression outward instead of inward and hating herself. Maybe this means she will not have typical "girl " problems, like cutting, anorexia, sex at a young age. If it's a reaction to her family situation, Punishment could just turn the problem inward.
Now that I see you have a new baby (I should have guessed!) Usually when one of my Kindergarten students becomes a behavior problem I wonder if mom is pregnant or had a new baby! Let her know how much you love her and how lucky the baby is to have her as a big sister.

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It's good that both you and her dad are acting together to handle this. Not all former couples can do that. Kudos to you and your ex. I would say to speak with the school psychologist or social worker. They may have some informal therapy and social skills groups that would benefit her. I would also request a full evaluation for any types of behavioral disorders. The more information that you have, and the more people on board, the better! Good luck

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There are probably two issues going on.
1 - feelings from the divorce - is she seeing a counselor?
2 - she is lacking skills to manage at school so she is getting angry and 'acting out'. If she had the skills to handle the little boy pushing her friend the 'right' way - she wouldn't be biting. Telling her what to do is not the same as practicing scenarios with her - try play acting - give her the words to use if she doesn't have them and then practice. Can you skype or facetime if you are not together IRL. Or talk to her dad and have him practice with her.

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With the anger she is harboring I would talk to her Dad about counseling. Getting her help is the best thing you as her parents can do for her, a therapist will help you to help her.

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Kayden, I'm sorry to hear about your daughters outbursts. Does the school councilor have any ideas on how you and her dad can handle this situation?
I wanted to let you know that years ago when my husband and I divorced, he too had custody of our daughter. She was 3 1/2 at the time. People would judge me too on not having custody. It was the best decision at that time. It is VERY difficult being the mother without custody. I had to keep talking to myself and letting myself know that it was the best for our daughter, it's ok that she's with her dad, it was a selfless act . Society looks at parenting and thinks the children " should" be with the mom after divorce. They do not know the specific situation and should not judge. It's very hurtful, they don't understand that we as mothers beat ourselves up enough for not having custody we don't need it from society. Stay connected with friends and family who DO support your decision, that's what got me through it. My daughter is now 30 yrs. old and doing very well, after all she didn't judge me, that's what's important in the end. Love yourself and do the best you can, take care of yourself so that you can be the best for your daughter, that's all you can do. My heart ached when I read your story, I knew what you were going through, I wanted to share what I went through. It will get better with you and your daughters outburst too. Hang in there and continue getting any help you can to deal with your daughters situation. There's a lot of community programs for children who need help, counciling etc. Check into that. Best wishes for you and your daughter.

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Dana hit on the real solution. If she were older and still acting this way I would be more worried. You don't mention how the school addresses these episodes. Do they have a social skills curriculum in place where they work with the kids every day to improve their communication skills, give them scenarios to act out, make teachers/staff readily available for kids to seek out or to be there supervising? How is the administration addressing the incidents, does she meet with someone immediately to talk about it? When are most of the incidents occurring? If it is during recess, that is very common in K, but the school should be working daily with the kids to improve their "social toolbox". My son is highly verbal, but he reacted physically a lot in K. It is more natural for humans to react physically to a physical attack than to slow our brains down enough to think how to deal with it verbally and calmly. It takes a lot of practice that a 6 year old has not had yet in order to train the instinctual "fight or flight" response to a "discuss or seek help" response. To be honest, I doubt grounding a 6 year old for something that happened at school is terribly effective. Discussion and scenario practice will be much more effective. Good luck, it must be frustrating to be so far away, but it sounds like you and her father are both working hard to help.

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Does she talk to a counselor about the divorce? It sounds like she still has a lot of anger about it (this is totally normal). I do not think you are wrong for not having her with you, you made the right decision for her needs.
This is something you and your ex need to work together on. She is in need of help to understand her emotions and how to handle them.

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It looks like you have an infant now and I would think that would be a great factor for jealousy for your 6 year old. Maybe not but something to consider. She may want to be part of your life and the baby's life. I hope you get some solution to this soon. She obviously is having anger/hurt from something.

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First I want to address your concerns on your daughter's living situation - we all make choices that benefit the situation as a whole, sounds like you know that it was what was best. My sister's oldest went to live with his father in grade school due to some SERIOUS school yard bullying (they nearly killed him) he blossomed there and still loves his mother just the same. I will say that if your situation allows you to work towards a goal of moving closer so you can adjust the custody arrangements, set that goal she will need her mother more and more as she ages, but a girl needs her daddy too!
Moving on to the agressiveness your daughter has shown recently, if this is a new thing and no changes have been made recently (heck do this even if there have been some changes) then I will suggest a few things.
1. Have the school's special education department do an evaluation on her - she may need extra help in communication skills, she may have an issue with her sensory processing areas and honestly this is their job to help discover. Many children with a delay or other underlying issue tend to act out physically since it gets the most attention.
2. Have her see the pedi and talk to them about the agressiveness, they may suggest she see a child pshycologist to see if they can find an underlying issue (I caution against meds before trying play therepy if there is an issue) that can be helped - this is an age where they are discovered and the sooner the better.
3. Recognize that the divorce may have an effect on her, recognize that had you stayed in an unhealthy relationship that would have FOR SURE had an effect on her - in short you did nothing wrong, but you and your ex need to come together to find out if there is an issue and get it resolved. Therepy was just the ticket for me and my sister when my parents divorced (the oldest was out of the house already), I was around your daughter's age when it happened and I remember acting out too - my way was theft!
4. If you have gotten the School, The Doctor and possibly a therepist involved be sure that you have as well ALL family members, friends and other importatnt or consistant figures in her life ON THE SAME PAGE. Sometimes when there is a divide in the adults there is a divide in the children - with my parent's divorce, I remember my mom had a rule that no one speak ill of my father in front of me - that meant my sisters (older by 8 and 11 years had longer to dis like him), my sitter, my aunt, my teachers, my everyone! Should I bring up his dissapointments it was kept ONLY to that situation - I wonder if everyone is on the same page in your daughter's life too of if there is something somewhere causing a conflict with in her and this is her way of showing it to the world.
5. It pains me to think this but there is always the possibility she is showing others what she is being shown herself. Is there someone in her life that is aggressive as well and this is what she is learning as acceptable and normal actions in a situation?
I hope that you two have developed good communication skills at least when it comes to your daughter, bickering about how to raise her will not help in the least and I know you already know that but it still must be said. This situation may call for some time off work to go with them to see the pedi to show full support and to get your own questions answered. IF you can not attend in person I would find out if they will allow the appointment to be Skyped or something else where you can still be involved - I had one of the more important doctor visits done with my son where his father could "take lunch" and we could be on a conference call so both of us heard the same information and could both ask questions equally - it worked WELL.
I wish you luck in all of this and I hope you update us as to your plans.

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Kudos to you for seeing the problem and seeking assistance. It sounds like she's reacting to a lot of changes and really testing you and her dad on what she can get away with while she has your sympathy because of the changes. I highly recommend John Rosemond's book, "Well Behaved Child." It has made parenting a joy and our children are so well behaved because of it. Your daughter's dad will need to read it too. Or, maybe you can read it and give him some kind of "Cliff Notes" on the book if he's not also willing to read it. Good luck.

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Judge you? No, we need to congratulate you. It sounds like you and your ex have pretty good communications where your daughter is concerned! He is right to have her write notes and to ground her, and to have her call you too -- that puts her on notice that you and he do communicate about her behavior when she is with you both. So-- take a moment to be glad that you and he are able to handle things in what sounds like a "team" manner.

You'll need to be even more of a team now that her behavior is escalating. He may be the one, rather than you, to do as someone suggested and sit her down to ask "Why are you doing these things?" I'd recommend that this talk take place NOT when she has just done it again; not when she is already angry or upset or in trouble; but at a calm time, in a place where she feels secure and calm, like home, or in a neutral place like at the park. She shouldn't feel she's getting grilled for being bad, but like she's being talked to calmly and like she's grown-up enough to handle it. See what happens and if that unveils some issues she has kept quiet -- jealousy over the new baby (someone posted that you have an infant--?), continued upset over the divorce, perhaps upset if your ex has a new woman in his life, etc.

Whatever happens with that talk, please, get both the school counselor and a professional outside counselor involved right away before things get worse. Get her to someone who is used to working with kids who can help her with issues like the divorce etc. (Did she have to move to dad's house somewhere else after the divorce? That would add to her stress big-tiime too.) She may benefit a lot from seeing a child psychologist or other form of therapist. It will be worth any money you need to pay.

Involve the school counselor and classroom teacher too, so they are on alert that you are doing something about this and taking it seriously. These are behaviors that could get her suspended from school, believe me, and you have to act fast to find out what's going on and to deal with it or she will have the added stress of seeing herself as a "failure" at school if she gets suspended. The classroom teacher and school counselor should work together on tactics to help her -- and helping her could include moving her desk near the teacher's, monitoring her differently at recess, having her work on socialization with the counselor, etc. You may have to travel to where she and her dad live in order to be present to talk with counselors, therapist, teacher, etc., but if that would help -- do it.

Please update us here. The real risk of her being labled as violent by the teachers at school (sorry but teachers DO label kids and it sticks), of her being suspended, etc. make this a situation where you and your ex should bring in the professionals -- not becuase you can't help her, but because you DO want to help her.

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I think one of the most important things you can do is meet with her father, the teacher, and anyone else at the school who could help (social worker/counselor/psychologist), and decide as a team how you are all going to help her, and provide consistency in her life. She needs to know that all the grownups in her life are on her side, and are going to help her, and will all be completely reliable and consistent.

Uncertainty and inconsistency are scary for young children.

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