Need Help Controlling an OUT of Control 5 Year Old!!

I have a 5 year old son, the youngest of 4 kids...He too has a big temper and bad attitude at times. When he starts a fit or throws something, I make him stop, come to me (or I sometimes have to go to him), and look me in the eye while I remind him that this behavior is not acceptable. I ask him to tell me why he is angry, calmly no yelling, and help him find a better way to deal with his problem. (Toy won't stand up: Try sitting toy on a book. Brother making him mad: Ask Bubby to please stop. Etc). He still throws fits, but he calms down quicker this way... The trick is to make him look me in the eye so that he pays attention. Sometimes I hold his hands, not tightly, while I talk to him. Be consistent. Let her help come up with solutions or better options than fit throwing. When a problem continues he gets to stand in a corner or go to his room until he is ready to cooperate. Also- I find that counting backwards from 5 after I've asked that a behavior stop works well too. Better than 1,2,3...When you count backwards they know one is where you stop, forwards could continue...5,4,3,2,1 is my ENOUGH point and my kids know it. Hope this helps.

Watch Super Nanny. Get her book. Follow her directions. Look into "Catch a Falling Star" St Louis Mo. It is a great place to take children.

I have a very "ACTIVE" 5 year old girl too, so I understand what you're going through. She's a very bright young girl, but her high level of energy gets her into trouble sometimes. Her pediatrician suggested I get the book 1-2-3 Magic. I didn't for a long time..well, I finally got desperate and bought it a couple of weeks ago. I am not using this techniques and WOW!!!! What a difference!!! I PROMISE you that if you read this book and follow the techniques, you will have a whole different relationship with your daughter! You WILL see a difference in the both of you! GOOD LUCK!

There is a great book by Dr. Kevin Leman called how to make your children mind without losing yours. My daughter use to do these fits and time out etc didn't work. He had some other ideas that really helped her. Good luck

Consistency is the best way to modify this behavior. She may be challenging you because she has gotten her way in the past. You need to target a behavior which anoys you the most and work on getting rid of that behavior first,,,for example, screaming really bothers you. Start there, explain to her that you will no longer accept her screaming--that it is rude and that she will not be able to do this again without a time out where she can calm herself down..now here's the tricky part, you have to be willing to enforce this time out wherever you are or whenever it occurs. When you are not at home, a time out could be in the car with you in the front seat and her in the back with the seat belt on. At home, putting her in a chair or in her bed should be a good spot. You must also be willing to praise her when she quiets herself and then to continue with the activity she was participating in. It is always tempting to try to fix everything at once, but working on one behavior at a time will be less confusing to your child and less trying for you. The solution will not be instant, but your attention for "good" behavior will be more rewarding to her than the bad attention she is getting now. Always try to give her attention only when her behavior is acceptable in your eyes and try to avoid negative attention.

is this new? Did the separation exacerbate this bad behavior? If so, she is acting out her anger with you and dad, counseling would do wonders. If she has always been a handful and now that it's just YOU it's overwhelming, then she has got to understand NOW, that YOU are boss, and her bad behavior will no longer be tolerated. I can remember taking my boys to the grocery store with me and telling them that they would not come back with me if they didn't behave. They began acting out and I left my groceries there, took them to my mom's and told them both that they would not be going back with me, went back and finished shopping.I did NOT take them agian, however, I never had an Ounce of difficulty with them again anywhere else. My eldest threw tantrums briefly, but EVERY SINGLE TIME he started, I took him away from the group, made him be alone, told him that his behavior was not acceptable, and that when he could apologize for being disruptive, and behave appropriatley, he could rejoin the family. She has to know that your threats are not idle, and that you WILL discipline her if her behavior does not meet your expectations of a polite little girl. Consistency is probably the hardest thing to accomplish as a parent, but it is also one of the most important. My boys are now 21 and 18, in college, and I have always been told how polite and respectful they are. It didn't just happen, I required it of them. Kids need limitations, she is looking to you to set them for her.

M., my husband and I swear by "1-2-3 Magic" by Dr. Thomas Phelan. Our son was completely out of control when he was 3 and 4. His tantrums would last for hours and he totally destroyed some of his belonging.

This stuff really works. He's 5 now. Tantrums are rare and short-lived. I just googled "1-2-3 magic" and found it for sale at parentmagic.com, on amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com You can get either the book or the DVD (we got the DVD.)

Good luck.

I SOOOO LOVE 123 Magic!! It has worked wonders for us....

Some of the other responses sound good, but I wanted to add a little. I work with young children so I see this a lot. One thing I've noticed is that many kids do this with their parents but not with us as the teachers at school. But, as soon as the parents walk in the door, it all starts. This is because as teachers, we have to be firm and consistent with the rules or everything would be out of control. We teach the children what our expectations are and they know what the consequences are if the rules are not followed. We truly respect the children and they show it back. They know how to behave at school and we do not see as many behavior problems as parents do at home with some kids.

So, my advice would be to be consistent with your rules. Make sure your yes means yes and your no means no. Make sure your children know what the rules are (they can even help decide what they are). You can have a sign or poster of a few simple rules. She should know ahead of time what the consequences are and you need to follow through with them EVERY time with every child. She may test you at first to see if you are serious. Also, your consequences should be logical. For example, if she looses something, she doesn't get another one and has to do without. The consequence should be related to what she did in order for her to make the connection. However, I don't think every little thing deserves a consequence. Decide which things are important, and don't sweat the small stuff. Otherwise, all you will be doing is disciplining all day and that can do harm to your relationship. For example, if she is watching TV and is not listening to a word you say, stand her up, get down on her level, look her in the eye, and firmly say, "I need you to listen to my words when I talk to you" and then leave it alone. This will let her know you mean business.

Some parents suggested the 1-2-3 Magic book. I have not read it, but one parent told me what it was about. I would be careful about giving her 3 chances. This is telling her that you expect her to do it 2 more times before the consequence. Does it teach her an alternative behavior?

One thing we focus on at work is not what they can't do, but what they CAN. With toddlers-"You may not throw the block, but you can throw this ball instead."

Tantrums/tempers often mean that she is not able to appropriately handle her strong emotions. As adults, we have learned how, but we forget that kids don't automatically know how to do this from birth. It is something we have to teach them and help them learn how to do. Since you know your daughter the best, ahead of time, think about and decide on a method or plan of action that you think would help her. When the time comes that she is upset, follow through with your plan to help her calm down. Walk her through the process, talking about it, breathing deeply, whatever you think she needs. Be consistent and do the same thing each time so that she learns how to do it on her own. Talking about solutions after she has just calmed down but it is still on her mind can be pretty effective. Also validate her feelings--"You seem really sad/angry etc. right now." Help her put words to her feelings and this will make all her emotions less confusing to her so that she can express them appropriately.

Some of the most important advice I can give (and I've seen this really work) is to just have fun with her and let her see how much you enjoy being around her. Be silly with her and laugh a lot together. Sometimes in frustrating times, this is easy to forget. This will show her how much you love her and will also distract her from some of the negative behavior. This is especially important right now as it sounds like your family is going through some changes and she needs this to feel safe and secure. It will build a stronger bond between the two of you! Best wishes!

Love and logic and 1-2-3- Magic are great resources. Also, remember that YOU are her parent, and that she is YOUR mirror. That is hard for us to swallow sometimes. It has been for me! I got to see my sister in action with her 2 year old over the weekend, and not that this happens in your house, I do want to point it out.

My sister screamed at her daughter, griped her out if she wasn't into her being bothered, threw a fit on her if she did something wrong. My niece promptly started yelling back, repeated her requests, hit, and cried, went nuts, basically. I ASKED her to do something, asked her to put the toy down, repeated calmly that this is what she needed to do if she told me no, let her know if a firm yet even tone that she needed to get out of the closet, no, you can't have this item but we can go find one that you can have. AMAZINGLY different reaction! If we all take a minute to realize that kids are people too, and will react the same way we would if we would with confrontation, things can go much smoother.

Again, I am not saying that you spend all day yelling at your kids, but even the best of us lose it a bit when we say no cookies for the billionth time! It sounds like your family is going through some changes (or have recently). It takes kids a bit longer to rebound, just be sure she knows what is going on. She will understand and will appreciated it more than you know. Everyone likes to know what is going on with their life. Even a kid. Good luck, and blessings to you all!

Well this works on my son who is over 4 yrs old he has time out's,you have to be consitant on time out's pick a designated spot and sit her there for 5 mins. for her behavior and back talk it's only going to get progressgivly worse if you don't find a solution to end this.Get down to her eye level be firm keep it short on what she did and what you expect from her she'll understand you,(Be firm and consistant)every time!!
SAHM of 2

Hi M.,
I am a special ed preschool teaher at United Services in St Peter's and our family support coordinator teaches a Love and Logic class that has helped me and my husband greatly with our young daughters. You can go on-line and read more about the program designed by this father and son team that goes around teaching ways to help your children to learn repect and respondsibility which will in turn create happier and more well behaved children. I highly recommend it.

I talk about this all the time to those who need help with kiddos and I have used it with MUCH success myself with my kids - Love & Logic. Use it. Be consistent - IT WORKS! Consistency and routine with your daughter will help greatly. See if the local library has it or go online and look into it. There are some awesome FREE video how to's on the internet for tantrums/behavior issues that have also helped us when we have needed help right at that moment. I highly recommend using this one: http://www.monkeysee.com/. Type in tantrums under your search. It is fabulous!
Good luck. Ugh. Temper tantrums are awful! Just do the best you can to not be an audience to bad behaviors...that just fuels the fire! Walk away and tell her when she can speak to you in the same manner you are speaking to her (assuming you aren't yelling and out of control yourself, lol) that you would be happy to help and talk to her about the situation.
Best of luck...hang in there mom! :)

do not indulge your child...this behavior will only accelerate as she matures. Translate this behavior to 12, then 16.

So, with that in mind, try either negotiations....as in "ok, you have 2 choices. Do you want to - or would you prefer - ?
These are your only choices...which do you want to pick?" If she continues to fight you, simply say, "I am sorry, but these are your only options. If you don't pick one, then I will choose for you." If you stick with it, your daughter will learn that you mean business. If she continues to battle you, then there are NO choices/no moving on...

Another option would be to simply remove all autonomy from her. Make her earn her choices. In this case, simply say, "when you are able to act as you know you should, then we will discuss you being able to choose what you'd like." Stand firm, & don't let her manipulate you. Make it firm, matter-of-fact, & don't let her see your frustration. The 1-2-3 method of discipline is my favorite. The child is given to the "count of 3" to comply, & then the punishment is meted out....& this punishment needs to be consistent, not varied.

How does your separation factor into this? Any type of change, whether little or life-altering, affects children. Working with a school counselor, your religious leader, or a private therapist would probably be a good idea to work thru all of these issues. It truly does help!

Well from my own experience i would say consistency for sure,stick with what you say.Take away favorite toys for a day and explain to her she needs to obey in order to get the toy back or privledges like watching tv or having a friend over.I realize at this age it is hard.I did buy popsicle sticks and had her decorate them with glitter(my daughter who is 7) and she may earn one for doing a chore and keeping her things picked up she may earn them easily and if she acts ugly or is sassy she gets one taking away and say you start with 5 for the days of the week or whatever if she earns them i sometimes reward with a prize at the end of the week.Or like if we go to wal mart and she sees something she wants she has to earn that amount of how much the item costs and then she may get it depending upon how she behaves and obeys.I realize the children dont always "need things or toys"for mine already has enough but i think it may work i wish you good luck!!God Bless

Love and Logic
1-2-3 Magic
You can probably get these at your local library or look online.

Watch "The Nanny" - she has lots of good, non-violent tips.