Need Advise - Flushing, NY

No normal person sleeps in their car when they have a warm home and bed to go to. Talk to him. Tell him what you think--if he is cheating on you you will find out and if he is not, perhaps he can change his behavior to put you more at ease. But don't wait--it doesn't get easier with older children, as I went through a similar situation as one of those children.

Hi L.,
I say "Follow your instincts". If YOU think he's cheating then he probably is. No one knows him better than you. You say that he gives you the lame excuse that he sleeps in the car. How many times a week does he do this? How long has this been going on? When did this start? Was he always like this? Has he cheated in the past? Do you really want to know? The reason I ask is because before you find out if he's cheating or not you have to have a plan. What will you do if he is cheating? Where will you go? Are you ready for what will happen next? Now after you've answered all these questions hire a private investigator, to follow your man. I worked for a private investigator for 15 years, following, and tracking cheating husbands and wives. It's expensive but worth it. In the end you will have all you need. You can do this on the low, and choose how, and when and, if you will do something about it. Then I would contact a Lawyer. Be prepared, Be strong and Good Luck.

Hello,

I don't think spying is the answer. Marriage should be based on trust. If you don't have trust (and it sounds like with good reason) I would suggest you try to talk to your husband about why he does not want to be home. I think I would ask him not to come home until he is sure that's where he wants to be. Marriage counseling sounds like a must, but if he would not go willingly, that would say a lot. It is so painful! More painful is letting yourself get engulfed in it. Trying to catch him in a lie or spy on him will overtake you, it could become an obsession, and both you and your kids will loose more this way then through a seperation and having visitations with Dad. It takes time to come to terms with the very idea of a seperation, but for your own mental health, and that of your kids, I think you would feel much better in the long run if you take a strong stance. A marriage is a partnership. Two adults who are both fully in it. A family is a team. If one person is sort of drifting in and out of it without regard for the rest, something is very wrong, regardless of the details.

I wish the best for you in what sounds like a very hard time in your life. Remember that you deserve that partnership with a person who is fully present! So demoralizing is it to be with a person who is not engaged that it is less lonely not to have a spouse at all!

All the very best!
C.

Hi L.,

I am sorry, but it does not sound good. The fact that he does not call you is not right. What if there was an emergency? You do have 3 children. I would demand that he comes home every night or call and be able to answer his cell phone the minute you call. Also if he is going to work shouldn't he be answering a phone at work. Sleeping in the car is ridiculous or a really bad excuse. You need to give him an ultimatum and tell him as his wife and mother of his children you deserve the respect of him coming home at night, answering his cell phone and letting you know where he is. Otherwise, if it is proof you need, I think there are support groups out there that can help with catching a cheating husband.

Good luck and be strong!
J.

Hi L., This does sound very suspicious. I hope not for your sake. Have you asked him what is going on? You do have a right to know as his wife and for the sake of the children. I have been where you are, many years ago and with 3 children also (it did not feel good) I do not know much about tracking devices but I guess it would give you the info. you need but do not want to know. I will pray for you. Grandma Mary

Hey L., i listen to KTU every day after 5:30pm and they do something called war of the roses were they will call your spouse and tell him he won free roses to send to anyone. i have herd alot of people get caught out there and its the quickest way to find out.

My ex used a similar excuse claming he was doing over time and he would get up at 4 in the morning and leave and not come home till 8 at night. then come to find out he was cheating with a woman he brought into my home.

Try it out and get rid of a loser before he starts to take you down with him. I know depression and its no fun! Its not worth it, you should be happy and if thats with out him then so be it!

I have to say that I find it amazing that most men cheat, and these days it's all over the news. Celebrities, politicians, and every day Joe's. If they do it, then it seems like most men follow, the "monkey see, monkey do" syndrome. You know the saying, if it walks like a duck...

I suggest you do the following to put your mind at ease and do it as clamly as you can (at least initially), see if his attitude toward you has changed, has he seemed more preoccupied, if he says he's working late stop by with some food as a "nice gesture" to see if he's there and can be telling the truth. Or you can simply confront him, but remember most men are not confrontational. Do it in a way that you can get an answer. Hopefully he's not cheating, but if he is make sure you have a plan of what you want to do and how you want to move forward.

Good Luck to You
K.

If he's out gambling and drinking, he needs money. Take control of the money and give him an allowance each week, give him just enough to get through the week, nothing more. If he needs more make him tell you what for. Tell him money is tight and you need to tighten the reins on spending. If he has no money, he can't gamble/drink. As far as not having sex, talk to him about it. If he refuses to discuss it, then start treating him like a roommate and not a husband. don't kiss him hello/goodbye Make your own plans and do them. Get a sitter for the kids, and go out. and simply announce that you're going out and will be back later. If you can't get a sitter, make him stay with them. After all they are his kids too. Tell him that he needs to be home early because you have to go out and he has to watch the kids. Make him feed, them and put them to bed. Don't come home until after their bed time. You need to be in control here. If he's cheating on you, don't make it easy for him. DEMAND that he take part in HIS children's lives and taking care of them. I would call him at work several times a day, and the more he doesn't answer your call, the bigger a deal make of it. YOu must force him to choose you or whatever! Good Luck.

Dear L.,
Although I have not gone through this myself, I saw my Mom struggle with my cheating father. Since I am the only girl out of five, my Mom confided in me after I became an adult and explained to me what went on. She told me that she stayed up nights deciding what SHE wanted to do and what SHE wanted for herself, because regardless of the decision, her children (5 kids) would be OK. Once she decided what she wanted for herself, she made a plan to achieve that. She did not talk with my Dad to ask "do you have a girlfriend?". She says that that is a stupid thing to do because you already know. Your instincts are telling you what you need to know. So the only two things you need to decide are: do you stay with him, or do you go?

The success of deciding to stay and "work" through this will depend on your tolerance for distrust. Even after counseling, things are never the same afterwards and the pain and suspicions remain for a long time. Is it worth it for YOU? Can you really forgive? It sounds like you have already allowed a lot of his behavior to go on without consequences. When he has stayed out, do you let him back into your home and into your bed just like that? As long as you allow him to treat you this way, he will continue. You need to demand and get respect from him more than you need to catch him in the act.

For deciding to go, you need to think about whether you have the capacity to move on on your own. Do you have a strong support system that will help you in that tough time? Are you economically independent? Are you better off together than apart?

Once you make that decision, do everything possible to create the environment you want. Try not to get too emotional. Having a plan will help you take control of what you feel and act in a controlled and intelligent manner. This is very important so that you can maintain your composure and manage things with dignity, especially in front of your children.

My Mom did just that. She decided that she was going to stay together and that things were going to be on her terms. She completely managed the situation "behind the scenes" in order to make my Dad behave the way that she wanted. I tell you, it was a lot of work. No counseling or anything, just pure wit, strategy and determination. My parents have now been married for 46 years. They seem happy and looking back I think my Dad is thankful that she took matters into her own hands. No accusing, no playing victim, simply demanding the respect she deserved and placing strong consequences for his misbehaving did it for them.

I hope that you find the strength and wisdom to take matters into your own hands.

Good luck!!

As all the previous advice suggests - you should definately talk to him and go to counseling.

But, I would also be sure to talk to a lawyer who specializes in mediation. Not that it has to go there, but depending on your circumstances, you may need to be sure you and your children are safe.