What Do You Think Mom's Out There?

Hi there, I think you already know the answer to your question. You're just looking for some validation. Trust your instincts. Yes I believe there is something going on. He's showering before he heads out to the gym?? You have to decide how much you will endure from this man. With two kids and working full time, you don't need the added stress of wondering what your husband is up to. You need peace of mind.

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S.,

If you are writing this, then I think you know the answer.

When someone is telling you who they are....LISTEN.

If you do this, then the power is in your hands!! People choose to live in different ways with different people at different times of their lives. And the choice of whether to stay, go, stay for a while, sue him, or ignore it is yours.

I left my son's father last year. We were never married (I actually am thankful for that). The reason that I left was that life had settled into a "roommate" situation.....as in he acted like my roommate rather than a partner.

I didn't trust him. He had lied to me before, and after years of "trying" I realized that unless people really want to change, they don't.

This decision was hard....this year has been hard....and I had a lot of support. So I am not suggesting that you go hog-wild or anything.

Just know that you have the power to direct your own life. And everybody....I mean everybody, has the right to be happy.

I don't know where you live, but there are support systems out there for the difficulties that you are going thru. There's meetup.com and in Brooklyn there's park slope parents that has various groups within.

Good luck. And enjoy your two beautiful babies............

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Oh S.
You already know what is happening here. And he is not even doing a great job of hiding it.
In you spare time while you are waiting for him to come home, why not throw all his stuff out on the front lawn and change the locks.
He cheated on you once and you took him back?
You gave him his chance....HE IS THREW!
Go on with your life and get rid of him.

I know it is hard, you have been with him for 9 years, but have you truly trusted him 100% the entire time? Even after you knew he cheated?
Don't give yourself all this stress, get rid of him.
My best to you dear!
BE STRONG!!!
You are better on your own than with someone like that!

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Tomorrow night, get dressed up perfumed and leave the house before he does - stay out really late - maybe don't even come home. See how much he likes it. Then its time to have a long talk with him about your marriage and especially about your family. I wish you the best of luck. Maybe try counseling? PS - for your own protection, get tested for STDs - just in case.

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Hi S.
What is your instinctive reaction?
What would he do if you said you were going with him?
Are you getting his pay check??
Why are you putting yourself through this?
I know everyone puts up with different things for different reasons, but we don't have to know why but you do. Then decide if it is worth the result.
Since I am old enough to be your mom, I ask what does mom, dad say? Talk to them, if possible. Talk, call the gym.
As for me and my house I wouldn't let myself be burnt again. Once is enough, and for me I would call the gym, when he was not there. I would be gone. You see I expect to trust my man, and the diseases from him running would not be worth the staying.
God bless you and give you peace enough to act
K. === SAHM married 38 years === adult children == 37, coach; 33, lawyer married with 10mo son; and twins 18, in college after homeschooling.

Well, well I must say that I must be the first GUY/REAL man to comment on this article, but the saying goes this way, first time,shame on him/her , but the second time you have to be a fool to stay. And this is coming from a real man, he is using you for a door mat. Hold you head up high and be strong for yo and your kids. Once you let this man walk over, and try to moved on, the chances are you will let another man do the same. He is lying to you and the other person. But I have a strong few words for you, go and get yourself tested for HIV and any other diseases that he might have given you, and once you get a clean bill of health, put on your running shoes and please don't look back at this man. You don't have to lift 5000 lbs to be strong, just your pride and your kids , and most of all the lord will guide you forward, take care and hope that all work out for you. Show him and others that you can and will SURVIVED. YOU HEAR ME RUN, RUN, RUN FOR THE HILLS AND THE LORD. AND 30 YEARS YOUNG, you still have a lot of fun ahead of you without him. also look at history what some of those that want more than one home end up doing????I say no more, but wish you and the kids the best of luck.

I hate to say that there is something to be said about the old phrase "one a cheater, always a cheater." When you see the signs...you need to confront him. If you don't, you will drive yourself crazy. You don't deserve that. You are young and have a family. Get it on the table with him. I wouldn't accuse...but I would say what is going on? I might even say I know what is going on...and see what he says. Good luck. I hope things are not what they seem...but if you feel it...you are probably right. I never put perfume on for the gym. Come on.

I think you know what's happening.
The real question is what are you going to do about it?

You have choices right now and you don't have to see him in the actually act of intercourse with someone to make these choices.

If fact if you can confront him now and put down some ground rules it could save you from divoice down the line.

It may not seem like it from your point of view, but he ball is in your court.

S., i do not bean to be so blunt but I think you know the answer to this.

I don't think he needs to shower and put on cologne BEFORE he goes to the gym. Trust your instinct.

hi S.,
what do you think???? i think you knowthe answer. i'm so osrry to hear that he treats yuo and your kids this way. you deserve better. i think you need some answers. Good luck and don't put up with any nonsense.

What I think is he is a jerk. As far as I see it he is a paycheck to you so I say make it legal and get child support. You will have less laundry and less aggravation. You deserve better. A leopard never changes it's spots. Be good to yourself and your kids find someone who will truly love you and your kids, they are out there. Good luck!!

S.-I am so sorry to hear that your husband is putting you through this. It doesn't sound good. Especially since he has cheated before. I would confront him - it just seems very unlikely that he would be at the Gym from 6p-2a...can you find out what time the gym closes? It sounds like he wants to get caught. Good luck!
J.

This is just my opinion but who showers and puts perfume on before going to the gym? Have you tried following him after he leaves just to see? or have a friend follow him? Have you had him paged at the gym to see if he is actually there? if he is actually there and questions why you are calling him just tell him you will talk about it when he gets home. this is going to sound really bad, but I have friends whose husbands have had affairs,I have never met a cheater who didn't cheat again. Usually when my fiends were suspicious of their husbands they were right to be suspicious.

1 SENTENCE. who puts on cologne to go exercise????

I think he's up to no good.

S.,
You don't really need us to tell you what we think. We think the same thing you do. Trust your instinct.

i think it's time for serious counseling or time for you to plan your exit out of your marriage. that makes absolutely no sense.....to shower before you go to the gym?!?! and it doesn't take until 2 AM to complete a work out. i'm sorry S.....he has no respect for your family or marriage. you are only 30 - you don't need this for the rest of your life. best of luck.

Hi S.,
Why don't you ask to go with him? That should put your mind at ease. Good Luck

I haven't heard of men putting on cologne to go to the gym let alone shower before they leave to go to a gym.

GPS system under his vehicle would be something I would be checking into.

2am and he's coming home? Bars close then. He could be hanging out with the guys after he works out...but....GPS system would confirm hos where abouts.

I can't tell you what you already know in your gut.

Hi S.,
Sorry to hear that you have a dishonest husbanc. A person doesn't shower and use cologne to go to the gym, I am certain you are intelligent enough to know that.
Just have a talk with him.

things do not seem right at all...trust your instincts, you already know the answer or you wouldnt have had to ask...good luck and be well

S.,

I think you know what is happening.

You have two very beautiful children - but they're not for him. They are their own persons - and you helped bring them to life - but not for any person other than themselves.

It sounds as though he is not there at all - to talk to or anything - and that he is not just emotionally absent, but physically absent from your life. It sounds as though there is no counseling or any hope of it. It sounds as though there is little attachment on your end. "Let no one put asunder" is part of the marriage ceremony, but it sounds as though your husband has chosen to give you the one reason allowed for divorce - again.

Be strong - be very strong. Be kind to your children, yourself, and your family. Please, please, get tested for anything the OB orders when you say what is going on.

Cover your bases before you announce anything - and while it may be heartbreaking to have to do this (ie: instead of holding out for change on his part), it would be more heart breaking if your children learned this is the correct way to uphold marriage vows - on both sides. They are learning a lot right now - and you are their first teacher.

It distresses me to say find a good lawyer and talk to your OB. It also distresses me that his actions necessitate your having to do so.

If I were the person to do it - I'd do my research and have things ready and just change the locks. If he is so happy for 8 hours away from home, he can put his head down there, too.

It is hard when someone doesn't live up to their promises. It is even harder when they say they will change and not only don't, but get worse.

Be safe. Be your kids' mom. Be smart. It will hurt, but not as much as if he continues to do this over and over and over. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Do the sane thing.

Good luck, God bless, and stay healthy,
M.

Hi S.,
I don't know what's going on for sure, but gyms aren't typically open until 2am and I don't know ANYONE that puts on cologne/perfume to go work out! Ask him what's going on. There's no way to be sure that he'll tell you the truth, but see what he says.

Sorry but do you really need to ask???? 8 HOURS at the gym!!! Please do yourself a favor make sure you are aware of: Your family finances, mortgage, savings etc....and start figuring out how to handle things completely on your own if you have to!!! If your husband cheated once before then there is a good chance he will again......take care of yourself and your kids.

I know it's hard to face, but he's already told you what he wants by his actions.

He's not supporting you...
You already feel like a single mother...

There isn't any benefit to staying around - at least if you leave he'll be forced to support the children.

Best of luck to you!

It sounds like he's getting one heck of a work out! And it has nothing to do with a gym!

You have some decisions to make! Make them!

Hi S., first let me say how sorry I am that you have to go through this. It's just not fair that people can be so inconsiderate of others feelings.
What do I think? I think that he is up to no good. No doubt about it!! he certainly wasn't at the gym ALL night, if at all.
It is what you want to do with this information that is the issue. Do you want to just turn the other way and keep being treated this way, or do you want to confront him?? You should not be living like this. Do you still love him? You both need to really take a look at your marriage, but let me tell you, a cheater is a cheater and he will cheat again.
I hope you are able to work through this one way or another....good luck

Hi S., This does not sound good. Have you asked him? I think you should. Maybe not tonight when you will be upset or angry. Most men I know will shower after the gym. I will pray for you, I have been in your shoes. Grandma Mary

I hate to say it but it sounds like history is repeating itself. If you can't get him to couples counseling just go yourself. That gave me the confidence to leave my previous husband.

Showering and perfuming BEFORE sweating at the gym??
1. Confront him when the kids are not around, or
2. Continue to live in denial so you don't have to deal with the issue, or
3. Find a way to track him when he leaves the house at these late hours

You know yourself, and you know your husband. Do what is going to make you at peace. If you choose #3, then make sure to take pictures with a great camera.

sorry to say, but i think you know what is going on.

If he did it once and you let him get away with it, you best believe he is going to do it again, didn't you question yourself as to why he is putting on colonge to go to the gym? hint. hint...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. That being said, I think you already know the answer to your question. Men are so simple...they can't even be discreet sometimes. Shower and cologne before the gym? I mean, really. Who does that? Then still not home and its 2am? Come on! This is just making me angry. I'm so sorry and wish you all the best.

If it smells fishy...it is fishy. I have been in the situation before. If you want to confirm for sure..for a small price hire a private investigator. They are cheap enough to know for sure.

Sounds like you are in a hard spot. If I were you I would have a serious conversation with him. Just from reading your post..my gut reaction is he is up to something. How does he leave the house saying he's going to the gym and never calls or comes home at a reasonable time? That does not add up. Call him on it. Good Luck

S.,

I am so sorry you are going through this. It looks like all the moms agree that a family man has no business putting on perfume before leaving the house and staying out until 2am.

I agree with the mom who suggesting marriage counselling. Go by yourself if he won't go with you. It can help you straighen out your thought and decide if it is worth staying with your husband.

Good luck,
R.

First, make arrangements to go out with a friend (or even if no one is available on such short notice, go to a movie yourself) tonight. Be dressed up, ready to go, when he walks in the door. If he starts to protest that he has plans he hasn't already told you about, tell him he will just need to find a sitter or cancel them. You need a night out, and you need to wake him up to the fact you are not part of the furniture of his life.

Second, you need to communicate and to get him to respect you. He has no right to be out until 2 am without you, especially without pre-arranging things, MAYBE if a best friend was back in town and this was the only chance to see HIM. No matter what, he needs to discuss it with you. And NO you are not his mother, you are his WIFE and therefore deserve MORE respect and communication than he would owe (or willingly give) his mother.

Third, I think for this to work, you may need family counciling. You need to both go and he needs to participate.

Or, you could cut your losses, get a good divorce attorney and/or private investigator, and get out now. He definitely doesn't respect you. The 3 steps above are to try to wake him up and change his behavior, and they may or may not work.

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through.

I think you need to have a long talk with your husband and possibly a lawyer. Document everything!!! His comings and goings. The fact that he cheated on you before is a huge red flag! See if you can hire or get a non conspicuous person to "follow" him. You need to think about yourself and your kids!! You don't deserve to live like this!! Take care and good luck!

Sorry to say but it doesn't sound good. Most people/all people shower & freshing up after the gym not before. Have you asked him where has he been til 2:00 AM in the morning? Have you tried to reach out to him on his cell? Find out what gym he goes to & check out there hours of operation. Don't let him make you look like a fool. Good luck