Need Advice on Dealing with Temper Tantrums

I highly recommend the small book called "To Train Up a Child." Very solid advice that you'll use for a lifetime on how to raise children!!!!
Wonder if you live near me? We could have a playdate- I have a 19 month old boy! You're doing great Mom, hang in there!

The books, "To Train up a child" by Mike and Debi Pearl, can be found on the website www.nogreaterjoy.com or can be googled. Lifelong lessons on helping raise obedient and respectful children. You need to start now.
Good luck,
L.

I second what T F said. My daughter used to throw tantrums but I nipped them very quickly.

The biggest thing is to keep your calm and YOU be in control of the situation. If you are in a store and he starts acting up, give him one and only ONE warning to stop his misbehavior. If he continues, pick him up and leave. (do as she says and ask the store to keep your buggy) Don't raise your voice and simply leave. When he understands you are serious with your actions, he will stop.

Also, I always told my kids that I couldn't understand what they were saying and that they were hurting my ears when they were whining or yelling.

Good luck. =D

When I was oh about 3 to 5 I was the world champion at public tantrums. My mother got so frustrated that one day at the grocery store when I threw my self down, before i could even get a decent scream out my mother laid down on the floor started flinging her arms stomping her feet and screaming at the top of her lungs. Oh I was mortified and so embarassed. I went over and hid behind the basket till she stoped. She got up came over and informed me that everytime I laid on the floor so would she. I never did it again. Now both of my daughters wanted to take my trophy for best tantrum throwing and nothing I tried would work. I finally asked their doctor and it may sound cruel but his advice was while at home when they would throw one to get a wooden spoon and take them in the dining room. I had them stand in front of me and stomp their feet and scream just like a tantrum. everytime they would slow down stomping or get quiet screaming I would pop them on the upper thigh close to the bottom without haveing them turn and tell them to do it better. I kept this up for about 30 minutes then I told them I was the boss and would decide when they could throw a tantrum and from now on when they threw one this is what would happen. It only took twice. I also used attitude adjustments when in public. All I had to do after the first 2 trips to the bathroom for an attitude adjustment is ask if they needed to go to the bathroom for one and they stopped the bad behavior. I now use the same "attitude agjustment with my almost 4 year old and it works wonders only had to take him once and he knows. Now after every punishment even time outs I always talk to the kids about why they got the punishment and we always end with a big hug and kiss and I tell them I love them. I want to reassure them it is the behavior I do not like not them. My 4 year old will now with out asking tell me he is sorry and loves me when he gets put in time out or sent to his room and even tells me why he is sorry. Better to be embarrassed once or twice by throwing the tantrum yourself then to go through it forever with the child doing it.

I have 2 things to try. 1. Ignore it. That means you say something like "I'd be glad to hold you once you've calmed down" you can even try "I think you should kick your legs too, that would make for a better fit" Other than that, just ignore the behavior. Don't leave him, but look at the cans of soup (if your are in the grocery store), etc. Once he's calm, then you can hold him. If he's grabbing your leg, try to pry him off and say "you are too wild for me to hold right now" if you can't pry him off, then just ignore him as best you can.

The second thing to try is to just pick him up and leave. this works best if you are someplace he wants to be, like the park or at a playdate, etc. You give 1 warning "your behavior is unacceptable and you don't stop, we'll leave" and then if he doesn't stop, scoop him up and leave. If you are at the grocery store, that means leaving your cart full of items (the polite thing to do is to inform a worker that you left the cart on isle 4 but you have to leave) and go home. Punish him by putting him in time out, etc. If you pick up and leave a few times, he should realize that he's not going to get his way by throwing a fit (unless he's throwing the fit b/c he wants to go home...)

My final thoughts are to make sure you aren't pushing the limits by having him out when he's tired or hungry. If you know it's nap time and you try to squeeze in one more errand, you are setting yourself up for a fit. If he's not tired or hungry, then you just have to teach him that this behavior is unacceptable.

Leave..every time until he gets it! At first, I would make sure it was somewhere he wanted to be, like the playplace at the mall or something! When he starts, tell him that this is his warning and he needs to stop. My first threat would be to sit for a certain amount of time, but if that is not working, or the fit gets worse, go to the car immediately! I know it is hard..esp if you have to leave the grocery store etc..but he has to know that you will not tolerate that behavior. I tend to sit in the car for a set period of time, and if things calm down quickly, then we can return. If not..home we go. Now, some would say to ignore the fit, but quite frankly..it is rude to the other patrons, and disrespectful in my opinion to allow a child to behave that way..they need to learn that throwing a fit in public is NOT acceptable. Seriously, I hate shopping and hearing a screaming kid, strapped in the cart, being ignored by mom, so that she can get her shopping done. That just does not teach them the respect I think we should all have for each other!! He is young, and you want to make sure you are fair of what you expect of him during these times. Like, sitting in a high chair for 1.5 hours at a restaraunt it just too hard for them right now..there will be fits. So, go without him, or choose a place that would be quicker. If you will be at the grocery store for a while, be prepared with snacks etc..and still keep it as short as possible. While we should not allow our children to "rule the roost" we do need to be respectful of their limits too. Good luck ~A.~

Pick him up and leave if a tantrum starts. I recently saw a mom write that she takes her child to the car and buckles him in his seat and lets him scream and cry until it is over and then goes back into the store to finish her shopping. I've never tried it, but it sounds like a good idea. I know it is embarrassing, but most parents have been embarrassed and most are sympathetic, so try not to worry about it. As he matures, the tantrums will stop as long as he doesn't get what he desires from throwing one. Good luck!

My daughter's tantrums always seem to start when I was almost done with grocery shopping.

After a couple of warnings, I told her we would leave. She chose to try me a couple of times.

I took my FULL grocery cart to the manager (with her big eyes watching) and said that I am so sorry that I cna't finish shopping right now. Would you please store my cart so that I can come get it when my daughter regains her control?

He did and she was surprised. I took her straight home and waitied until daddy got home and then i went back and got my groceries. It just took a couple of times, leaving like that for her to learn that I will do what I say I will do.

Good luck.....they grow up TOO fast. My baby is 14 now.

whisper
He is trying to get your attention by raising the volume, respond by whispering, talk to him in such a soft voice he has to stop crying to hear you. Then when he is out of the tantrum zone, explain that if he does not behave you will have to leave, because he is upsetting others. FOLLOW THRU!!
After the second time of leaving the place you went together, he will know you mean business. Also, before he is out of the carseat, explain the behavior you expect, make sure he understands that tantrums will mean going back home.
You might also want to remember that at certain times of the day he is more tired, or hungry, and it doesn't fit your schedule. You will save yourself a ton of frustration if you follow his schedule, at least for a little while. I have lots of friends that make lunch/social dates with me based on their childs schedule (we have to do this at 12 cuz she naps from ten to 11:30)
You will get this sweetie, no worries, and maybe if he is too strong willed you and a friend could help each other out by sitting each others child while the other goes shopping.

I highly suggest "Happiest Toddler on the Block" it is a book but you can also get it on DVD from the library. We watched the DVD it lasts about 45 minutes. It is non-violent and actually works and it is developmentaly appropriate.

PS..to Lee P....there is a reason your pedi told you to do that in private - what you described is abusive....sorry if that upsets you but I'm wonder how you would feel if someone bigger/stronger did that to you....

My son went through a temper tantrum stage and after talking to many moms this is what worked for him.
1. Start by telling him BEFORE you go somewhere what your expectations of him (hold mommy's hand in parking lot, we are not getting candy at that store so don't ask, etc).
2. If he throws a temper tantrum tell him once that if he doesn't stop you are leaving and going home then you must be prepared to follow through with this EVERY TIME you say it.
3. A lot of my son's temper tantrums happened because he wasn't ready to leave yet so my preschool teacher told me to try this and it works...give him a 5 minute warning before you are going to leave then a 2 minute and then a one minute warning. It gives the child a way to get used to the fact that you are leaving soon. Most times my son comes with me with no problem. Occasionally he will try to fight me but I just start slowly walking and tell him it is time to go and it is hardly ever an issue anymore.

I had to take my son out of a few places because he was having a fit. It really ruined my plans but it only took 3 times before he realized that this was not threat and of course he didn't like leaving so all I had to do was warn him we were leaving if he didn't stop and he would stop. Telling him what you expect his behavior to be before you ever get out of the car is a big one too...after all they don't know what appropriate behavior is until you teach them what it is...just keep it simple and to a few key points.

Hang in there! That is a tough age but it gets easier.

I have a 21 month old little boy & we are going through the same thing. What I find that helps to control grocery store tantrums is this.....I always go when he's well rested so it's either around 9 in the morning or after nap in the afternoon. Also, I go when it's his snack time. This way, he has something to do while just sitting in the cart. My son is your typical very active toddler so I think for him he just gets bored w/sitting for so long (so long in his mind) & he wants to get down. I'll bring his snack & juice cup & he's usually 95% of the time very happy & snacking & looking around while I grocery shop.

The issue we have is throwing tantrums when leaving the park. He gets so mad. We've been going to the park now since last summer & never ONCE have I ever let him play or go back after a fit but he keeps doing it. It usually takes about 5 mins or so to recover but I don't know what to do. I give him a warning before we going to leave so he knows what's about to happen but if we stay less than an hour he gets mad.

So, just know you're not alone. We're all going through something like it. I hear it's just a phase. I can't wait till he's older & he can talk more & I can reason with him. GOOD LUCK!

I would agree w/the leaving, but he probably doesn't want to be there anymore than you and it really messes up your day! I'm a HUGE fan of Love and Logic and although their advice takes a bit of planning, it's well worth it! Next time you go have someone willing and able to pick him up from the store as soon as you call them. When he starts, you could just tell him he's going to have to leave if it continues (I'd explain exactly what will happen if he misbehaves before I even walk in the store) then if he starts being disruptive, call your friend, mom, etc. (whomever you've planned this with) to come pick him up. Then you continue your shopping and he 'pays' you for that person's time with a toy or something he values. His leaving you at the grocery store will probably be enough at this age since he wants only to be with you so the 'paying' part may come in later. I know it's a lot to organize, but I assure you, you'll NEVER have that problem again! The key to this is NEVER to get angry or frustrated (or show it, at least :))just explain what will happen, then do it with a smile on your face, but with sympathy. Get the book, it's so very helpful and he's a perfect age to begin. Good luck to you...this is the most fun age and it only gets better...(I think...I haven't gotten to the teenage years, yet;)

You have to watch to see that you do not get to the full blowout. That is where you loose. If you see that he is on the path to having the tantrom, stop what you are doing and get him out of that situation. He will learn. Do not loose your cool as that will only escalate things. Be consistent. try to make sure that he is not tired when you do things in public places. That also helps that they are not irritated quickly. Think of his age too.

I agree with the others- pick him up and leave. Before going into the store, I would firmly tell him (no crying, no screaming or we are leaving the store). At 20 months, he may have a favorite toy or blanket- let him bring that with him. Then if he starts into a temper tantrum- warn him 1 time and then pick him up and leave.

Whatever you do, do not start bargaining with him- such as when he starts don't hand him a new toy or candy or whatever. I hear parents all the time tell their kids- if you stop I will buy you... Well of course, every time the kid is going to act up because then mom will say "if you stop"

Hope you figure it out... thing is to remain calm and in control. And more importantly- consisent. It's just something they have to learn. We all know adults who still act like this- and it's probably because their parents didn't teach them otherwise.

I have two highly tempermental kids. My daughter seems to do them most often when she is hungry or tired. I've many, many times, just picked her up and taken her home, abandoning the groceries or whatever we are doing. That's really all I can suggest. She will even tell me she would prefer a spanking!! My son is only 15 months old but we are going down the same frustrating path. I'm hoping their mutual dissappointment when one acts up and they both get punished will put the tantrum behind us once and for all!

I was starting to have some pretty serious (as in happening ALL the TIME) issues with my 2 year old daughter as far as temper tantrums.

I tried finding a love and logic class near me but couldn't, so I went around to the local book stores and bought "Parenting with Love and Logic". That book was great but not so many specific ideas for pre-schoolers. So I ordered "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years" from Amazon. It was hard getting enough alone time to read it but let me tell you, this book has been a total life changer. I've used techniques from it for tantrums, to food throwing, to jumping around on furniture and it's been pretty great. We aren't yet at the point of preventing the outbursts, but they get over with much more quickly.

So tantrums at stores. My kid's obsessed with M&M's and starts screaming when we go past a display of these. I tell her I'd be glad to give her some M&M's when she acts nice at the store. She keeps yelling so I tell her "Uh-Oh, So sad, I think you need some alone time." She's buckled into the cart. So I park it on the end cap of the aisle and say "It makes me so sad when you act ugly and yell like that at the store. I'll give you some alone time so you can think about acting nice at the store, and we'll start shopping again when you have a happy heart." Then I walk around the corner behind the cart where she can't see me but I can see her and reach her if anything happens. She sits there and stares. Then says MOMMY a couple of times and I come back and ask her if she's ready to act nice at the store and she says yes. And that's IT. 20-30 seconds and no more screaming about M&M's. I've only had to do that twice-it's been about a month since the last time that happened.

At home when she starts pitching a fit I do the same thing only I take her to her room and lay her on the floor. She screams all the way up until I lay her on the floor and walk away but then she goes quiet and eventually comes out of her room ready to act sweet.

In the car, I do the same thing, only I pull over to the side of the road and get out of the car. I've only had to do that a couple of times as well.

I wish I had found these books about a year ago. I've spent SO much money on tylenol.

Good luck, let us know what happens!

I agree with the other ladies - you need to leave wherever you are when the tantrum starts. It may be very inconvenient, but he must see you will not tolerate it. Granted, my son was older at the time (I think about 2 or 2 1/2) but he had a meltdown when we walked into a Kroger because he wanted to ride in one of those nasty car-carts that had one broken door and the other door was missing. I said no and he hit the floor screaming - you'd think I had just beat him so I know what you mean about the embarrassment. I picked him up and we went right back to the car while I explained to him why we were leaving. He begged me to go back in and that he would not scream again. After that one time of following through with my threat of leaving, we never had that problem again.

What has helped us: we started at home doing time out on a dish towel, where ever I place it so she is used to time out being in any place. I used the same spot at first so she'd get used to the concept of time out and kept putting her there till she stayed the full time. Then we used time out in different places when it was needed but with the same dish towel (our rule is hiney or feet must stay on the towel, I don't particularly care if she is standing or sitting). Now if she doesn't mind in public all I have to do is say "do you need to go to time out" and show her the towel. We very rarely have to use it.

I don't know that this method will work for you, but it did well for us with our child's personality... but she is pretty mild mannered anyhow, she was just testing her limits.