Need Advice About My Mother-In-Law and Her New "Girlfriend".

All you can do is be supportive. I don't understand what your daughter will get confused about "by watching them". If them is your mother in law and her girlfriend, there's nothing for your daughter to be confused about, that's her grandmother! and exactly what do you think she'll be watching? If anything, she'll see two people in a warm loving relationship, no different than a man and woman. As long as the relationship is healthy, it doesn't matter what the genders are.

Dear S.,

It seems to me like you've got three situations in one.

First, you've got this crazy soap opera of a blended family -- your MIL from your husband's side hooking up with your SIL from the other side of the family. If you had to draw your family tree, that WOULD look complicated, and it does sound like there's been betrayals and hurt feelings on both sides, but none of that should affect your daughter. All she needs to know is that so-and-so lives with so-and-so.

Second, your MIL has a lot of adoptive special-needs children. In most cases, that sounds wonderful for your daughter. It will teach her understanding and compassion beyond her years. In a few cases, you might have reasons for concern, especially if some of these special needs kids are teenage boys, since there are cases where developmentally delayed boys have hormones appropriate to their biological age but don't have the cognitive ability to set appropriate boundaries. I recommend that you evaluate the situation with these adoptive kids separately from everything else. If you don't have reason to be concerned about your daughter's safety, consider it a blessing. She will be wiser and kinder for it.

Third, and completely separately, there's a same-sex relationship going on. My personal belief is, so what? What matters is if people love each other and are able to establish a happy, stable, functioning household. I do realize there were hurt feelings and betrayals in this situation, and I don't condone that, but the sad fact in our society is that a lot of LGBT people try to deny their sexuality for years, and the result is that the people with whom they "live a lie" get hurt. I don't mean to minimize your FIL's and brother's experiences, but I think it's possible (and actually really necessary) to have compassion for everyone involved.

Finally, I really, strongly recommend letting it go. You're eventually going to need to accept that you can't control the actions of other people, but you can be a role model for your daughter in accepting those actions with grace. If it's hard to accept that you don't have a "Leave It to Beaver" family, try seeing a therapist or a family counselor to talk your feelings through. In the long run, you might find that having a (queer) Brady Bunch family isn't that bad.

Lest you think I'm preaching, I speak from experience, though not quite as dramatic as yours. My father carried on a clandestine relationship with my babysitter for much of my childhood, eventually moved in with her, and then spent my teenage years taking my mom to court for custody of my brother and me. One of the happiest, most liberating experiences of my life came in college, when I realized I didn't need to live my life in the undertow of a turbulent family; I could just love my family (at least my mom's side of it) and get on with my life. I hope you discover the same.

Hi S.,
My heart goes out to you. But you do have to deal with it, so you have to get yourself right. You are trying to focus on adding a new baby to the family. Don't let this situation stop you. Everyone has bumps in their roads, and you just have to endure them. It's another life test. Since this is such a complicated situation, you should seek counseling for yourself or with your husband. Get yourself into the right frame of mind to deal with this. If you are a woman of faith, this is the time to lean on it. In faith, you can do anything that seems impossible at the time. I, myself, have come through an "impossible" situation. Your mother-in-law and sister-in-law have made their bed, and now they have to lay in it (no pun intended)--good or bad. That is their decision, and they have to deal with any consequences that follow (I'm talking about the betrayal factor, not the relationship). You, on the other hand, are a mother and wife that has to keep her own family in order. Support your husband and daughter in these trying times. With counseling and faith, you will have the confidence to do what you feel is right for your daughter when she's with grandma. That's where your focus should be. Everything else will fall into place the way it should.
Good luck.

I might sound harsh here, but I think the main problem is all the betrayal that has gone on. If your father in law had cheated on his wife with a daughter in law, it would be a betrayal or your mother in law cheated with a son in law. This is a betrayal on the whole entire family (two families really--one very extended).

Of course your husband loves his mother and wants to see her happy, but she has to take responsibility for her actions and recognize how hurtful this has been to so many people. Has anyone addressed that with her or your sister in law? How long has it been going on?

This is all very confusing for your daughter as her grandmother and her aunt are now in a relationship and grandpa and uncle are left in the lurch.

I don't know how close you are geographically, but if at all possible, if it were me and my family, I'd take a little break from grandma. I'd talk to her about feelings--lay it all out on the table (your husband loves his dad too) and then forgive her when you are both ready and able. BUT before you start visiting again, you really have to set some ground rules for her with your daughter. Kids are very resilient, but having a grandma being lovey with an aunt might really mess with her--and not because of the gay aspect, but because the whole family has been turned upside down. "What happened to grandpa? Why doesn't aunt ABC live with uncle DEF anymore?" I really feel for you.

Depression can absolutely affect your fertility, so I think talking to your husband, speaking to your SIL and MIL and taking a break as well as defining boundaries will help the situation. Maybe take a yoga class too to help with the stress and increase your physical fertility.

Good luck.

Hi S.,

Unfortunately we live in a society that has turned away from what is right. My brother is gay and I love him dearly but I would NEVER allow my boys to stay over his place. Not because I thought he might do something but because of the friends he has coming over to his house. You never know and I would never put my helpless child in a position that is potentially emotionally damaging. My advice to you is accept your mother-in-law in your house, without the girlfriend, but don't visit her with your daughter in her house. You must at all cost think of your daughter first. Your mother-in-law has to understand that there are consequences to her choices and this is one of them. Hope this helps.

Hi
I think this is a very tricky situation that needs divine intervention, so pray about it. I think both u and ur husband need to have a heart to heart talk with both women and let them know how u are feeling especially for the sake for ur child. The fact that they are both planning to have a child is good reason not to have ur child around them. This will definitely be a very confusing situation for ur child. U and ur husband both have to make the choice whether to be around them or not. Its a mother and son and an in law and I do understand the family ties and the love but what values do u want to be passed on to ur child. This is really mix up. Do get some counselling. All the best in this very akward situation and in ur marriage

BE CAREFUL!!! Being the daughter-in-law puts you in a sticky situation. Decide how you personally feel and in private talk to your husband honestly about it. Then find out how he feels and come to a decision together. My husband and I had to do this with something with his mom and as lond as your MIL knows it is her son's feelings not just yours go with that. It sounds like there is enough trouble in the family so try not to get caught in the middle. Have your husband make it known what role they will play in your daughters life and stick to him. Also protect your daughter first and formost from the turmoil. As for your depression it may very well affect you getting pregnant so seek out a counselor. If your husband will go with you and you can have child care go see a counselor. An outside "eye" may be just what you need to put life in perspective and help you figure out your path! A.

I would highly suggest you and your husband sit down and figuire out EXACTLY what you want for your daughter. It sounds like both of you are very upset about the situation. Are you opposed to her lifestyle? Are you uncomfortable with you r daughter being around them? If you pinpoint exactly what your issues are, then you can move forward, if not you will feel like this for a very long time. I might even suggest counseling. I would also be very frank with your mother-in-law that you are hurt by her actions. Maybe she's "happy" but it seems that she and her girlfriend have left a pretty big wave of destruction. I am not personally against this type of relationship but they went about it in a pretty bad way, and sounds like they've lost everyone's trust. You really need to talk, whether just with your husband or with a counselor - you guys have some pretty big issues to deal with.

We all want for our children to grow up and be happy...we expect for them to grow up "like" us...when I imagine my 5 sons grown they are all married to women and have beautiful children...but the truth of the matter is that they may not be like me...they may not ever get married or they may not be heterosexual...does it really matter? I think that we as parents have the responsibility to teach our children the truth without prejudice...I would explain to my daughter that while most people fall in love man with women there are people who fall in love woman with woman and so forth...it's the same thing with people of a different race...why are people different colors and sizes....because they come from different places...not worse or better...different. I'm sorry it makes you uncomfortable but I don't think your daughter is in no danger of becoming gender/sexually confused but more of being hurt by your reaction/treatment to someone she loves. It's out there, and unless you live in a bubble you're going to run into it...my son has a kid with 2 mommy's at pre-school and another son had a friend with 2 mommy's in his first grade class but at home we have a mommy and a daddy...the questions will come up...why 2 mommy's? why no mommy? I think the best thing to do is always tell the truth (in a moderate form to a young child). I guess my advice is rise above and come out of your comfort level and deal with this with a smile, love and compassion for the sake of your husband and child(ren). Best of luck.

Just to warn you this is going to be a little harsh. No doubt your husband loves his mother. But, he has to admit that she is an adulterer and a liar. She and your sister-in-law have put thier own happiness above everyone else's in your family, very selfish. If you don't want you and your daughter to be exposed to this(I wouldn't), for whatever reason, then he needs to repect your wishes. He's is married to you now.
Hang in there and best wishes

I tend to think that depression and stress can keep one from becoming pregnant. So I'm going to suggest that you let go of trying to become pregnant for awhile until you are adjusted to the family situation.

I believe no one chooses to be Gay or Lesbian, nor is it a learned behavior....that people are born this way....and it's not an easy life trying to be who you are while trying fit into a straight world....

Unfortunately, many Gay and Lesbians do not realize they are gay and Lesbian until they are older and involved in straight marriages. While others realize it at a young age but out of fear of being rejected by family and friends will stay in the closet and try to fit into living a straight life in a straight world...feeling misplaced and being inwardly unhappy.

Either way, coming out of the closet isn't easy...infact for most, it's a very painful process.

Love is love, relationships are relationships, no different gay or straight.

I tend to think in the long run its good that both your mother in law and sister in law finally came out of the closet....found love and are getting on with their lives...and that your brother is now free to move on with his own life.

In terms of your child becoming confused....she will pick up what ever attitudes you and your husband have on the situation. If your attitudes are positive and good in excepting the situation, she might not fully understand their relationship in the bedroom until she is older but she will in fact continue on loving her Grandma and Aunt who are now living together.

Live and let live....There's nothing you can do to change the situation. You can only change what you are feeling about it.

We are all raising children with no guaranties that they are straight, gay or lesbians.

it sounds to me that your mother-in-law's life will provide your daughter and future children with a WONDERFUL knowledge of how many different kinds of people and families there are in the world. for your daughter to be around special needs children is great, learning compassion and empathy for people who are different than her is a life lesson ALL children should learn. and your mother in law's sexual orientation is a chance to show your daughter that families come in all shapes and sizes, it's love and respect in a family that really counts.

okay, apart from all that you've got a really jerry springer of a situation here. i'm sure there are some serious hurt feelings and divisions through your family because of their choice to have this affair, but right or wrong it's choices they've made. all you can do is continue to make the best choices for your own family (it's hard, my mother is mentally ill and i walk these landmines weekly).

Your daughter is only 2 1/2 for now you can refer to your mother-in-law's partner as her "best friend" or her "friend." You really don't need to get into specifics. When she's old enough to understand, or starts to ask more probing questions, always give her age appropriate responses. If their living situation is something that you and your husband don't agree with morally, let her know that also and explain why. You can show her that you can still love people you don't agree with. And people who make mistakes (like cheating) are still worthy of love. These are important lessons. One day your child might be in a precarious position (i.e. drunk at a party) and will need to know that even when you don't approve of their behavior, they can always turn to you for help and guidance.

Good luck.

Oh wow S., Sure sounds like a dilema to me.
What an odd arrangement. You say that your daughter goes there for visitations. I'm a little confused. Is this your present husband's Mom? I don't know if you were married previously...but as far as visitation, who has the visitation rights? Anyway...you could go to the visitation and stay with your daughter and if you don't like what you see, leave. Is is court appointed visitation? If not, you don't have to take her there. It's a tough call. Today there are so many same sex arrangements and it seems like it's the norm in many relationships. When your daughter is older you can explain it but it's hard to do that right now. Get back to me and let me know what's going on a little clearer....sorry that I'm a little confused about this. D. S

When you really love someone you should always tell them the truth. If you and your husband feel the situation is wrong you should inform them. Personally I wouldn't allow my child to be around a situation like that. Plus, if you think the situation is effecting your fertility because of the stress and depression it might be better for you to stop seeing them as well.