Seeking Teenager Advise

Hello G..

I understand that this must have come as a shock to you, but I sincerely hope and pray that you will try to understand what courage it took for your son to tell you this news.

Remember that his is all about him, not you. All you need to do is explore the possibility that you might have misunderstood this issue all along.

Your son is still the same wonderful person you have always loved, and he needs your help now more than ever. Try to look at this as an opportunity to grow, and to develop a deeper relationship then ever. If you continue to judge him and push him away, there's the chance you could lose him forever.

I am certain that therapy will be beneficial not only for your son, but for you as well. It's clear that you have a problem tolerating this news and accepting it. If it is a reality, there is nothing you can do to change it, and there is nothing you did to create it. Again ~ it's about him, not you. It would be best for you to face this challenge as a family. Your son is your son. Period. He needs your love and acceptance, and he needs to know that, no matter what, you are there for him.

If your son trusts you enough to have confided in you about something he knows you disapprove of so highly, it must be tearing him apart. I hope you will try to understand him, and put an end to the judging and criticism. This is not a choice. People to not "turn that way." They are born, and they are not defective.

You have a lot of learning to do if you want to help your son be a happy, fulfilled man in the years to come. Please try to put your old thoughts on hold, and get some help from a professional.

I'm wishing you the best of luck, and I'll be keeping your son and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi G.:
Our children really have a hard time growing up in this day and age. Too much - too soon. Too soon old - too late smart.
So very hard for them.
But our solution on how to handle anything with our children.
Unconditional LOVE.
They all go through so very many different phases in the process of growing up. We can only guide them, but we cannot make them into becomming what we want them to be.
Whatever your son decides - be honest with him - but love him. Do not underestimate his intelligence. Explain why you feel a gay lifestyle is wrong - in your way of thinking. Then allow nature to take it's course.
ABOVE ALL - LOVE HIM - HE IS YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD.
I pray all will work out for the best.
Sincerely
D. Y.

2 moms found this helpful

You don't just choose being gay. Especially at age 14.
My cousin is gay. We've known he was "different" since we were young. He'd always want to play with us girls, instead of the other boys, etc. Now he's a very happy adult that is not living in the closet. He's living with his life partner & he's SO much happier.
"Different" is not wrong.
He's your son.
He's asking you to accept him.
You DO NOT get a choice in this.
JUST LOVE HIM!!!!!!!
If you don't, I fear for the outcome.
He's fragile right now.
HUG HIM & tell him you LOVE HIM no matter what!!!

1 mom found this helpful

At fourteen your son is going through a great deal of physical and emotional changes. The best thing you can do is listen to him and not ridicule or judge him. After all if he is not comfortable talking to you then he is going to find someone else to talk to and that person could lead him down the wrong path. I would not jump to any conclusions...just let him try to figure out what he preference he is. I strongly believe that an individual is born with a preference. They don't chose it. Even if you and I don't have the same believe in regards to this subject. I am positive we both agree that one of the most important jobs as parents is to keep our children safe. One manner we are able to do this is by making them comfortable at home so they don't do something wrong out of spite or get mixed up with the wrong people. The world can be very cruel and if your son does turn out to be gay then he is going to face a great deal of oppossion during his lifetime. Every human beings deserves to at least have understanding and happiness in their own homes and from their parents.

1 mom found this helpful

What you want your son to be and what is going to happen are two different things. I am so annoyed at people who say it is a choice. As my friend Dave says who is gay and in a very srong relationship, "why would someone choose to ridiculed by society and ostricized?" He is your son, you love him, and you will need to accpet him for what he is, or you WILL LOSE him.
My suggestion is to get over your homophobia however you can )support groups are great, read, but not sure the religion route will work for you, not known for acceptance) and TALK TO HIM! If he is gay or isn't, it seems like he needs you right now and your job as a parent is not to pick his life, but to lovingly guide him through his.

1 mom found this helpful

I think that you need to take a step back from the situation. At 14 kids go through a lot of 'finding themselves'. I don't know if him being gay or not is the issue, but even if it is, you cannot change it. Let him find himself. Support him. Love him. Encourage him. Hope that he makes good decisions because you trust him to make them. In the end, if he is gay, you need to know whether you will deal with it, or have one less son. Because trying to 'change' it in him will surely drive him away.

Good luck,
S.

1 mom found this helpful

Why would you take him to a doctor? Because he's gay?! Sorry to say, but being gay is not the end of the world. It is NOT a choice. Do you really think people would CHOOSE to live in a world where there is so much discrimination and hate against gays?! Highly unlikely.

My advice to you is to SUPPORT your son. That doesn't mean you have to like the fact that he is potentially gay, however, you need to be his MOM and love him UNCONDITIONALLY. I don't think it's the path any of us would choose for our children, but they are who they are. Imagine living your life as something you aren't. That's what you're asking your son to do.

1 mom found this helpful

My first thing to say is, did you love him before he told you he thought he might be gay? If you did, then you KEEP ON LOVING him because he is still your son and the person he was before is the person he is now and you being his mother shouldn't let that get in the way of your relationship with him. My nephew finally came out with the family that he is gay, though we suspected it for a long time..since he was a little boy..and that didn't make us change our feelings for him, we still love him because he's still the same person we always knew and loved. A mother's love for her child is suppose to be unconditional, try and keep it that way and if you can't..then maybe you both need to go to counseling together to learn to deal with it. He's at a very confusing age for him with so much going on physically, mentally and emotionally...keep the lines of communication open and don't stop loving and caring for him as you have all of his life. My 21 year old daughter told me 3 years ago that she is bi even though she's married and has a 4 yr old son. She's my daughter and my best friend and I would never think of treating her anyway other than I always have with her. She's just part of my universe and if I would lose her for whatever reason, there would be a very large empty space where she lived in my heart. The best of luck to you and yours.

1 mom found this helpful

What is so wrong with being gay? My daughter has several gay/lesbian friends and I don't seem them any differently than I do her "straight" frinds, nor do their parents. Although neither of my girls are lesbian it wouldn't change the way I feel about them. Besides, if he is society has changed, anyone can adopt. And there are SOOO MANY kids without families that would love nothing more than a loving home, regardless if it is with two dads or moms.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi G.,
Thank you for having the courage to ask for help.
It's great that he can come and talk to you.
I actually just have a few questions. You mentioned that he only has text message friends and no social life. How does he relate to his peers? Does he get picked on at school because of his weight? How is his relationship with his older brother? His dad? How do you relate together as a family?
ALL teenagers have issues with their identity. It's a very confusing time. I think the advice about seeing a counselor is valid. Possibly as a family.
Good luck.

I think you should let your son, be who he is maybe get him to the ymca and let him swim and join the teen center. He can loose weight he will have fun working out up there. I think he might really enjoy it. As far as being gay, who cares its his life let him live it. We as christians should not judge anyone leave that to God.

First of all, if he is indeed gay he cannot help what he feels. I grew up with a guy who turned out to be gay. It was incredibly difficult for him to admit it to himself, much less everyone else. He's finally comfortable with himself. His parents felt it was "wrong" and brow beat him for "choosing" to be gay. He wil never forgive them. Now his mom says she's willing to accept him, 13 years later, but it's too late. She made her decision. So you have a couple of choices: either let him find out for himself if he is gay and EXCEPT his choice, or feel that it is "wrong" and risk losing him forever. A parent's love is unconditional, or it least it's supposed to be. You don't have to agree with his choices, but you have to accept them if you truly love him, if you want him to respect you. He's still your son!!

G.,

First of all, everyone who said your son is not necessarily gay is correct. Many, many teens go through this. Excellent advice you received, as far as helping him feel better about himself and not isolate himself further.

Secondly, I noticed that you're in Cinti. I used to live down there, and was a member of Ascension Lutheran Church, on Pfeiffer Rd. off I-71. The pastor's name is Steven Grieser. I STRONGLY recommend you call him and tell him you'd like to talk. He is an EXCELLENT counselor, and can help you deal with this better than anyone. Please, please, call him. ###-###-####.

Blessings, J.

First of all I know it must be a shock to have your son tell you he is gay. Just because he looks at boys and wishes he looked like them does not make him gay. If that were true 99% of american women would be considered gay.
Secondly if he is , in fact, gay, you can't cure it by taking him to a Dr. It is not a disease. Even if you don't approve, he can't help it. You can tell him your religious beliefs or how you do not approve, but that will not change him, if he is gay, he is gay and that is all there is to it.
You will just have to learn to accept it. There are way worse things he could be. Like dead for one. Thank God you have your son and you have a relationship close enough that he felt comfortable enough to share these feelings with you.
Thirdly, Take him to a psychiatrist or counselor of some sort to help him sort everything out.
Hope this helps.
R.

I know what you are going through but I have told my son that it does not matter what he decides I would still love him. That was very important for him to hear. I know you may think it's wrong but this day and age it happens. My son is a little older and he says he is confused about the whole thing. He sees a counselor because it is hard to talk to your parents about it. If he knows that you think it's wrong he may not talk to you about it. I wish I could give you some more advice but a counselor was a good option for my son. He actually is starting to have friends and doesn't stay in his room. I hope you don't think this to harsh but the more you tell him it's not right to be gay, the more he may rebel.Just listen to him and let him ask the questions and be supportive.

G.

I have several friends who are gay and all of them say that they were born that way. One does not turn gay...it just takes them awhile to figure it out. He could be overweight b/c he eats to comfort himself for the feelings he is having. Being gay is not an easy thing for a teenager to deal with, since most people are unaccepting of the lifestyle. Just love him unconditionally. Do you have any gay friends? Perhaps they could offer some advice. I hope some parents of gay children reply to your post. They would certainly be able to help more than me.

I have a friend who suspected her 10 y.o. was gay so she befriended a gay man so she could better understand her son. This really helped her cope.

Just remember, teens go through lots of phases. Talk it out with him yourself because he trusts you the most, not some doctor. Don't be negative or critical or beg him to change his mind - listen to how he feels. Read books about this issue. Maybe he could talk with his older brother since younger sibs usually look up to older sibs. I believe TV plays a major role in this issue so watch TV with him and discuss what is going on so he won't be confused about what he is seeing. But keep in mind that this is your son who you love and you don't want to see him unhappy. If this is really what he wants then support him.

Just so you know, I want to encourage you to seek help for your son. You will probably have some troble finding someone who will be willing to give him the help he needs in this day and age. But help is out there and your whole family will benefit. Your son is showing classic symptoms of Gender Identity Disorder and needs help NOW. There are web sites and such that can help. Your best bet is probably a christian site suce as Focus on the Family. We'll be praying for you. You are not alone!
A.

It doesn't sound like he needs to see a doctor. It sounds like he needs more support and encouragement from family. As far as being gay, he is not going to "turn" gay because he sees other attractive boys or because of what he sees on the computer. Without getting into details and ruffling feathers, a person is born gay. Maybe your son is just curious like many other teenagers and it is nothing more than that. You say you love your son and you don't know what you would do if he "turns" gay when he gets older, well common sense would say that you continue to love him. We as parents may not always agree with our childrens choices, but as parents we should always give them our unconditional love. I am not speaking as an authority on this subject, just as the proud mother of a beautiful and successful young woman (23) who just so happens to be a lesbian.

It's not wrong to be gay, it's wrong to not support your child. If you are concerned with his weight then by all means take him to your family doctor or nutritionist. Spend more time with him and show him how to be social no matter who he is social with. If you shun his decisions he will learn to hide not only his actions from you but you will also push him away. He may or may not be gay, but he's got your attention now and maybe that's what he has needed. Good Luck!!
S. - married & mother of 4 (9,7,2 1/2 & 1 on the way)

G.,
I know this must be very hard for you. It's hard for your son as well. He has told you he is gay, which is a huge step. It's not something he will outgrow, nor can change. No doubt he has known since he was little. He is at a very difficult age, and being gay makes things even more complicated. I would suggest that you talk to a professional first. Your son may also need help. If you reject your son on the basis that he is gay, you could lose him forever. You don't want to subject him to a lifetime of knowing that his mother has turned against him for something he can't help. Good luck. I know you love your son.

I think possibly seeking counseling may be beneficial to both of you but in doing that try to remain non-judgemental and as supportive as you can be.

If your son says he is Gay then he probably is. You just have to love him for who he is not what he is. You can't change the facts.

Well, I will tell you, I have 2 yrrnage daughters and one of them is bi, however, I think she is for the shock value (she thinks it will bother me). I too, believe that being gay is wrong, but people don't choose to be gay, they just are. It is very hard to handle. Thinking about how hard it is for you to handle, how hard do you think it is for your son? Noone wants to be gay, especially when gay people get treated so badly (by certain people, not everyone).
unfortunatley, in this day and age, young children think that everything is/should be acceptable, and if it isn't they dont care. I don't believe taking him to the dr is going to change anything, however, it might make you feel better. There isn't sme magic pill or counselling that can be done to make a person not gay, it just happens.
Good Luck!

Hi G.,

I know I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear...but I feel inclined to respond. If your son is gay (and even if he's not) you are going to need to be 100% supportive either way. Otherwise, you could face a child who harms himself or others due to severe depression. I know there are schools of thoughts in all directions about being gay (and the fact that you can choose whether you are or not) so I guess I just wanted to weigh in for the sake of your son. As an interior designer, a good part of my industry/ trade is either females or gay males--many of whom are dear friends of mine, I don't feel there is a choice. Why would you "choose" to be something which, although is increasing understanding and acceptance, is still something which is mis-understood (and in your case it seems, looked down on). Anyway, I guess the best thing for you to do, if you are looking for advice/ help--which it seems like you are, is to listen to him/ be supportive of his requests while trying not to be judgemental and let him know you are his mom and you love him no matter what. Maybe help him build his self esteem with the weight issue by helping him make healthy lifestyle choices and exercise (and do it with him!) I am sorry if this isn't what you are looking for, but I feel like we're all here to offer each other advice and help. And I hope I have helped you and your son. About me: I have one son who is 4. I am trying to be encouraging of whatever it is he is interested in. It's not always what I would choose--but that's okay! Also--for father's day I bought my husband a book called "Raising Children who think Independently" and it helps children make "internally directed choices" vs. external. Maybe you would find this of some help. Best of luck to you G.. C.

If he's gay and able to tell you even though it's obvious you won't be happy about it then you should thank God you have such a strong child. He could be telling you that to get a reaction out of you, though, so I'd just let him do what he's going to do without having freak-out reaction.
no doctor is going to make him "not gay" so I don't know what the doctor comment is about

As hard as it will be to understand and be okay with you really should try to be understanding. The more you push him against it the more he will fight against you.

If your son is gay so be it it is not your choice it is his.. You try to fight what he wants to do and be now you will loose him all together because he feels like an outcast!!!! He will leave you and the family forever just accept him for who he is and what he wants to be let him be what he wants to be as long as hes happy!!!! Talk to him and accept him.. He is your son.. Love him and nurish him. I am a mother of 7 and if any of them was gay i would still love them just the same!!!!

I would talk to his guidance counselor at school first. They probably deal with these kind of situations on a daily basis and would be your best, most accessible resource. The counselor may give you some talking points to use with your son or may refer you to another kind of professional that could help. Other than that I would probably talk to my pastor or whatever kind of spiritual advisor you may have in your life.

Your son needs you to be understanding and loving more than ever right now! You can not be that way if you are wishing he wasn't who he is. 14 is a hard age no matter what you are going through. The last thing he needs right now is to feel like everyone is trying to change him, and that noone understands him. I had a friend who went through the same thing and tried to commit suicide because he felt like he was alone.
Love your son and be very supportive!

Dear G., Eight years ago my grandson came out of the closet and you would not believe what a load it took off his mind and was less stressful. He was able to relax and be himself. I just talked to him and asked 'what causes a person to be gay' his response was 'what causes a straight person to be 'straight' God loves all of us! You also mentioned about your son being over weight, my grandson said that the stress and depression can cause weight gain. My grandson also said to get your son to a non faith based counsler he also said for him it was easier to talk to a woman counsler rather than a male counsler anyway which ever your son is more comfortable with. And last of all love him later as you do today. You know people can't help many things in life so give him a good comfortable life always. My grandson is just as special to me today as he was the day he was born. I hope you will give him a chance to be himself even if you don't approve or like it but give him the love he deserves anyway. Don't worry about what other people say just hope he doesn't hear anything bad from his family. My grandson's father told me he didn't know which would be worse, to tell people his son had comitted suscide or was gay. Ignorant people can be so rude. Good luck and keep praying. Tell you son hello for me. I will keep you all in my prayers K.

G.- I understand you think being gay is wrong, but if you aren't able give your son your love anyway you may lose him. Can you imagine how hard it must have been for him to tell you that! Nothing "made" him gay- so you can't "un-make" him either. It's not a choice or decision he made... what 14 year old (or anyone, for that matter) would choose a path that would cause them ridicule from people they love and strangers alike? Please support him -this issue unnecessarily tears families apart. He's still your son.
J.

Dear G.,
I am proud ofthat he is trying to find his your decision to help your son. This is a time in his life that he is trying to understand who he is and needs imput of good quality. Will be praying for you and your family.