Seeking Teenager Advise

What is so wrong with being gay? My daughter has several gay/lesbian friends and I don't seem them any differently than I do her "straight" frinds, nor do their parents. Although neither of my girls are lesbian it wouldn't change the way I feel about them. Besides, if he is society has changed, anyone can adopt. And there are SOOO MANY kids without families that would love nothing more than a loving home, regardless if it is with two dads or moms.

I think possibly seeking counseling may be beneficial to both of you but in doing that try to remain non-judgemental and as supportive as you can be.

As hard as it will be to understand and be okay with you really should try to be understanding. The more you push him against it the more he will fight against you.

If you read nothing else, please read the last paragraph of this note.

I have 5 sons 17, 16, 14, 12 and 10. I love them all dearly. If one of them had the courage to come to me at age 14 and tell me he was gay I would embrace him and hold him and tell him I loved him very much. I would praise him for letting me know he was having those feelings and I would tell him I would always be there to love and guide him, to help him though any difficult times he may endure in the future. Then I would talk to him about how I believed that being gay was nothing he could control, that is was the way God made him. I would tell him that he should not feel ashamed to talk to me but there would be many precautions that he would have to take.

And of course, I do not condone sex at a young age (not without a loving commitment). I am sorry that somewhere in your life you were taught being gay is wrong, but I can assure you that if you are born gay, it is not a choice that you make.

I have many gay friends and I live in a small mid-western town (not San Francisco or Washington DC). I have a dear friend who is a gay male. He is a very talented musician, a chior director at his church, he works full time at the company I work for, and he is one of the most loving, giving individuals I have ever met. I am writing you BECUASE of him.

He has known he was gay since he was 10 years old. He was raised a Baptist where his religion taught that being gay was a sin. He prayed not to be gay but that did not change the way he was. He was mistreated so badly in junior high school that he wanted to commit suicide AT AGE 14. If it wasn't for his parents love and acceptance he would be dead right now. He changed high schools, picked up a tennis racket for the first time in his life and was the #1 varsity tennis player by his sophomore year.

His parents saved his life. He joined a Christian organization for gays and learned that God loved him the way he was.

Please, please help your son. While this may be very difficult for you to accept, this may be his cry for help to you. I know you love him, but HE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT YOU ACCEPT HIM FOR THE WAY HE IS, and are there for him. Don't cut him off or make him feel like he cannot talk to you. You may be his last hope, his lifeline. I'm sure your son is a wonderful individual and will have a great deal to offer in this life. Please help him now, he needs your love.

C.

Hello G..

I understand that this must have come as a shock to you, but I sincerely hope and pray that you will try to understand what courage it took for your son to tell you this news.

Remember that his is all about him, not you. All you need to do is explore the possibility that you might have misunderstood this issue all along.

Your son is still the same wonderful person you have always loved, and he needs your help now more than ever. Try to look at this as an opportunity to grow, and to develop a deeper relationship then ever. If you continue to judge him and push him away, there's the chance you could lose him forever.

I am certain that therapy will be beneficial not only for your son, but for you as well. It's clear that you have a problem tolerating this news and accepting it. If it is a reality, there is nothing you can do to change it, and there is nothing you did to create it. Again ~ it's about him, not you. It would be best for you to face this challenge as a family. Your son is your son. Period. He needs your love and acceptance, and he needs to know that, no matter what, you are there for him.

If your son trusts you enough to have confided in you about something he knows you disapprove of so highly, it must be tearing him apart. I hope you will try to understand him, and put an end to the judging and criticism. This is not a choice. People to not "turn that way." They are born, and they are not defective.

You have a lot of learning to do if you want to help your son be a happy, fulfilled man in the years to come. Please try to put your old thoughts on hold, and get some help from a professional.

I'm wishing you the best of luck, and I'll be keeping your son and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi G.:
Our children really have a hard time growing up in this day and age. Too much - too soon. Too soon old - too late smart.
So very hard for them.
But our solution on how to handle anything with our children.
Unconditional LOVE.
They all go through so very many different phases in the process of growing up. We can only guide them, but we cannot make them into becomming what we want them to be.
Whatever your son decides - be honest with him - but love him. Do not underestimate his intelligence. Explain why you feel a gay lifestyle is wrong - in your way of thinking. Then allow nature to take it's course.
ABOVE ALL - LOVE HIM - HE IS YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD.
I pray all will work out for the best.
Sincerely
D. Y.

If your son is gay taking him to the doctor is not going to help. Being gay is not a medical problem. There is no medicine to change the way he feels.You say that it is wrong, how is it wrong spiritually? That is something that he will have to deal with when he is older. You can take him to church, teach him the bible (as we did) but in the end he will be the one that is in control of his salvation. I am the mother of a gay daughter.We found out 20 years ago and I was like you. But she is college educated and wonderful and we did not want to lose her so we accepted her lifestyle and we give her unconditional love and respect.

Hi G., Teenagers have a really tough time, no matter what. Imagine what incredible courage it took for your son to say this to you, especially knowing that you look down on being gay as "completely wrong". Science has proven that this is not a choice that people make-- it's determined genetically. Who would volunteer to be despised, laughed at, beaten up, or even killed just because of who they pick as a life partner? The suicide rate is high for gay teens, as is the harrassment rate. Your son may or may not be gay-- he's not sure. He definitely has issues that need to be addressed in a loving and supportive atmosphere. You are his rock, and he needs you to be there for him. The term "unconditional love" comes to mind. There are teen support groups for kids that can help him figure out if this is really his path in life, or if something else it at the root of his confusion. Please don't underestimate his pain, or your ability to love him no matter how it turns out. Your rejection will drive him away if this is who he truly is. Your goal as his mom is to help him be the best person he can be-- a loving, respectful, compassionate, law-abiding human being. Who he chooses to love is really up to him, as it is to all of us. Parents can't change it. All we can do is be supportive and be there for them emotionally. Please don't let your son down when he needs you most. No one ever said parenting was easy. N. B. (mother, grandmother, retired nurse, sister-in-law to 2 great gay guys)

My first thing to say is, did you love him before he told you he thought he might be gay? If you did, then you KEEP ON LOVING him because he is still your son and the person he was before is the person he is now and you being his mother shouldn't let that get in the way of your relationship with him. My nephew finally came out with the family that he is gay, though we suspected it for a long time..since he was a little boy..and that didn't make us change our feelings for him, we still love him because he's still the same person we always knew and loved. A mother's love for her child is suppose to be unconditional, try and keep it that way and if you can't..then maybe you both need to go to counseling together to learn to deal with it. He's at a very confusing age for him with so much going on physically, mentally and emotionally...keep the lines of communication open and don't stop loving and caring for him as you have all of his life. My 21 year old daughter told me 3 years ago that she is bi even though she's married and has a 4 yr old son. She's my daughter and my best friend and I would never think of treating her anyway other than I always have with her. She's just part of my universe and if I would lose her for whatever reason, there would be a very large empty space where she lived in my heart. The best of luck to you and yours.

14 is awfully young to make a permanent decision like, "I'm gay." As a mom, I would tell him I love him, and tell him that it is natural to begin thinking about sexuality at this age. I would tell him to wait on such decisions such as these until he is a little older, and that curious thoughts or feelings at this time do not mean that he is forever gay. I am serious. Thoughts and curiosity at this age do not denote homosexuality for a lifetime. If he reaches that conclusion later, when he is more mature, you will still love him. Now comes the parenting part. I would not allow the viewing of pornography in my home. I would also tell him that it is unacceptable for a 14 year old minor child of either gender to be sexually active. As his mom, I have the right to set boundaries and rules, and he must abide by them. Know where he is, who he is with, and what he is doing.

Try reading "Bringing up Boys" by Dr. Dobson. I would encourage time with dad and participation in activities he enjoys outside of school. There are some really, really fun youth groups out there which are not "bible thumping" but are laid back and focused on cool things the kids can do together.

I would also be careful who he is hanging around with, and make sure no one is making him a target or exploiting him in any way. If you find that someone has been inappopropriate with him, be sure that you get him into counseling.

Another well-intentioned mom wrote something like, "Buy him condoms and talk to him about safe sex." No, no, no! As a mom, I would not buy my 14 year old boy condoms to have sex with other boys or men(!) HIV is on the rise and the only safe sex is no sex! Abstinence is the answer.

Good luck.

I have several gay friends, and we talked in depth about how they knew they were gay. One of the guys had never been with a woman or man, so how did he know? He told me he just felt the attraction, and had no attraction to women. He asked me how I felt about being with a woman (which is something I have never even been curious about because it, to me, seems "gross" for lack of a better term - not trying to offend anyone!). He told me that is exactly how he felt about being with a woman too. His family was not supportive, and he no longer has contact with them. One of my female friends was previously engaged to a man, so I asked her what changed her. She said she was never attracted to men, she was just "playing the role" to keep her family happy - in turn making herself unhappy. She decided to be honest about her sexuality, and her family supported her and she has a very happy life. I had conversations with several of my other gay friends, but these are just two examples of how they both explained that they didn't "choose" that lifestyle, and one even tried to deny it. They ALL told me that they knew it from a young age, but they didn't totally understand what they were feeling. They really are born gay, it is not a choice. It sounds crazy, but there was even a study with goats about homosexuality and they found that even animals can be gay...proving it is not a thought process. My only advice is to support him and keep an open mind. You do not want to lose your son, and right now, after admitting that to you, is when he is going to need you most. He may just be wishing he could be like the boys he is looking at, or he may have just answered "could be" because he felt your resistance to accept what he just said. Just try to let him talk to you about it without giving any of your opinions. I am sure it was a shock and a lot of information to take in so suddenly, so if you can accept his feelings, explain that to him so he knows he can be open with you. He may not appear to have a social life because he is afraid to bring any gay friends to your house. Maybe the kids at school are picking on him because they found out he is gay. Don't let him isolate himself totally - let him talk while you listen. I am a question asker, and none of my friends ever had a problem talking about it with me because they knew I accepted them - whatever their sexual orientation. Once he knows you will have an open mind, maybe you will be able to ask some (non-judgemental) questions. It will be tough, and will take adjustment time. Handle it the best you can. Good luck.

What you want your son to be and what is going to happen are two different things. I am so annoyed at people who say it is a choice. As my friend Dave says who is gay and in a very srong relationship, "why would someone choose to ridiculed by society and ostricized?" He is your son, you love him, and you will need to accpet him for what he is, or you WILL LOSE him.
My suggestion is to get over your homophobia however you can )support groups are great, read, but not sure the religion route will work for you, not known for acceptance) and TALK TO HIM! If he is gay or isn't, it seems like he needs you right now and your job as a parent is not to pick his life, but to lovingly guide him through his.

Being gay is not right or wrong - it's not a choice any more than skin color. Imagine the pain he will experience throughout his life from people who don't (or won't) understand. You should not be one of those. Of course, no parent wants their child to be gay. But your acceptance at whatever he becomes will support him throughout hs life. I decided long ago that if either of my children were gay, I would show as much love and support as if they were heterosexcual. Because society is so inflexible, you may be the only one he can count on. Please be there for him. If it turns out he is simply confused about his sexuality, at least he will always know his mother's love is unconditional.

Hi G.

Just wanted to say that I completely agree with you that it is NOT "okay to be gay", and it does not help that we live in a society that today, is telling people that it is okay! That is what discusts me more than the gays and lesbians themselves. We should not have "gay bars" and "gay T.V. channels" and sex toys made especially for gays! What is wrong with this world today! All society is doing is supporting it and making it easy for gays to be gays, when they should be doing the opposite, they should be discouraging it and educating kids and adults on how wrong it is, but because they don't, it is our responsibility as parents to do everything that we can to steer our children down the right path. I am a christian woman, and the bible teaches that homosexuality is an abomination. I would definitely recommend that you do everything possible to get your son the help that he needs, taking him to church is a great start, and above all else, you need to do a lot of praying for him, it does help! I will pray for your son as well, the more people that pray, the better. You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk with him and ask him why he is having these kind of feelings, and educate him on how wrong it is to be gay. Our children rely on us so much for guidance, even if they do not like to admit it. Without our guidance, where would they be? Nowhere good, I know that! I feel for you and I pray that you can turn this around!

Good Luck & God Bless!

Why would you take him to a doctor? Because he's gay?! Sorry to say, but being gay is not the end of the world. It is NOT a choice. Do you really think people would CHOOSE to live in a world where there is so much discrimination and hate against gays?! Highly unlikely.

My advice to you is to SUPPORT your son. That doesn't mean you have to like the fact that he is potentially gay, however, you need to be his MOM and love him UNCONDITIONALLY. I don't think it's the path any of us would choose for our children, but they are who they are. Imagine living your life as something you aren't. That's what you're asking your son to do.

It looks like you're getting a lot of good advice about accepting your child for how God made him and not being judgmental. I agree on getting therapy for your son and the family on this, but it should not be from a group pushing a particular religious agenda. If you feel more comfortable going a religious route, try The United Church of Christ or the Mt. Auburn Presbyterian church in your area. Getting your son some good nutritional advice, a membership to the Y (it's free if you qualify) and a supportive accepting group of peers at a church will do your son a world of good. I have a 24 year-old daughter who is a lesbian and she was scared to tell her father and I even though we've never been critical of homosexuality. For him to confide this in you, is a huge compliment. It shows he trusts that you'll love him no matter what.

Hi G.,
I think it would be a good idea to take him to a therapist to help him sort things out and help him with his self esteem; you may want to join in a family therapy to help you how to support/understand him. He should also see a nutritionist to help him with his eating habits.
That said, if it turns out that he is gay, it really is not about you and what you want, he didn’t choose to be gay, he just IS and as your son, you should try to love him no matter what. He will need your love and support, especially now as a teenager trying to find his place in the world.
Just remember that children didn’t come to this world to please their parents, they came to choose and create their own life and our job is to try to guide them, help them and support them, but it is ultimately their life, not yours.
Good luck!

If you love your son his sexual orientation shouldn't matter. Just be there for him or he will pull away and you'll have a more strenuous relationship or no relationship at all. Atleast he's willing to talk to you about it. Most kids that age won't and are too scared.

Wow, that is alot to take in. I don't think he is too young to know what he is feeling. If he has feelings towards boys and not girls, I'm sure that would explain his lack of social life. I understand your not wanting him to be that way, but you need to get over that and be his mom. I grew up around a gay uncle, so I feel I have a little more tolerance than most, but I do not believe it is right. I also don't believe it is a lifestyle choice. You can't take him to the Dr to be "fixed." A therapist cannot fix him either. You need to find a support group to discuss your feelings with, so YOU can learn how to deal with this. Then, you might be able to help your son deal with this. He is going to need you! If he had been born with a physical handicap, would that change the way you feel about him?!

Why is being gay completely wrong? Being gay is NOT a choice, you are born that way! Just like brown eyes or blonde hair. What your son needs is an understanding mother who accepts her son for who he is, no matter what! When you say "take him to the doctor", do you mean a therapist? I definitely think that a therapist would be a good idea but don't expect them to "cure" him of being gay (if he is.) I think if your son felt that you and your family would be accepting of the real him, he would be free to come out of his shell and a new happier person would appear. PLEASE BE THE MOTHER YOUR SON NEEDS AND DESERVES!

Love and accept your son regardless. There is a very high rate of suicide and depression amoung gay teens. He needs your love, support and understanding right now. Believe it or not you can not change someones sexual orientation especially by taking them to a doctor! I highly recommend educating yourself on homosexuality, the web would be a good place to start. The best thing that you can do for your son is get him connected with a support group and/or community where he feels it is safe to express himself. There are also support groups for parents of gay teens. Let me know if I can get that info. for you. It has absolutely nothing to do with him being overweight! I am not gay. I am married with two children. Much of what I am saying is based upon my Professional knowledge and personal experience with a gay family member. Good luck and remember he is your son no matter what.

At fourteen your son is going through a great deal of physical and emotional changes. The best thing you can do is listen to him and not ridicule or judge him. After all if he is not comfortable talking to you then he is going to find someone else to talk to and that person could lead him down the wrong path. I would not jump to any conclusions...just let him try to figure out what he preference he is. I strongly believe that an individual is born with a preference. They don't chose it. Even if you and I don't have the same believe in regards to this subject. I am positive we both agree that one of the most important jobs as parents is to keep our children safe. One manner we are able to do this is by making them comfortable at home so they don't do something wrong out of spite or get mixed up with the wrong people. The world can be very cruel and if your son does turn out to be gay then he is going to face a great deal of oppossion during his lifetime. Every human beings deserves to at least have understanding and happiness in their own homes and from their parents.

You don't just choose being gay. Especially at age 14.
My cousin is gay. We've known he was "different" since we were young. He'd always want to play with us girls, instead of the other boys, etc. Now he's a very happy adult that is not living in the closet. He's living with his life partner & he's SO much happier.
"Different" is not wrong.
He's your son.
He's asking you to accept him.
You DO NOT get a choice in this.
JUST LOVE HIM!!!!!!!
If you don't, I fear for the outcome.
He's fragile right now.
HUG HIM & tell him you LOVE HIM no matter what!!!

You should be glad that your son has come to you and expressed his sexuality. I mean he is 14, what 14 year old comes to their mom for anything much less an uncomfortable subject like that. Just remember that he is your son and support him in any which way he decides. Love him for who he is. I think if you take him to a doctor he will close up and not come to you for anything. Not to mention, that does not change....if he is gay....he is gay. Doctor's, Priests, Pastors, or parents can't change that. He is at a very sesitive age....be careful in how you approach him. You don't want to push him away or make him feel unloved.

I think that you need to take a step back from the situation. At 14 kids go through a lot of 'finding themselves'. I don't know if him being gay or not is the issue, but even if it is, you cannot change it. Let him find himself. Support him. Love him. Encourage him. Hope that he makes good decisions because you trust him to make them. In the end, if he is gay, you need to know whether you will deal with it, or have one less son. Because trying to 'change' it in him will surely drive him away.

Good luck,
S.

If you think that he is having issues with self-esteem and socializing with others, then maybe it would be beneficial for him to talk to a counselor. As for him being gay, you will not be able to change that. Whatever your opinions may be, he is who he is. The best thing you can do as a parent is continue to love him and not turn your back on him because of his life choice. If you do not accept it, then you will only worsen his self-esteem and anti-social behavior. Do not make him feel ashamed for who he is. That will do so much damage.
The best thing you can do is stay positive, get him some counseling, and make sure he knows that you will love him no matter what!

First of all, if he is indeed gay he cannot help what he feels. I grew up with a guy who turned out to be gay. It was incredibly difficult for him to admit it to himself, much less everyone else. He's finally comfortable with himself. His parents felt it was "wrong" and brow beat him for "choosing" to be gay. He wil never forgive them. Now his mom says she's willing to accept him, 13 years later, but it's too late. She made her decision. So you have a couple of choices: either let him find out for himself if he is gay and EXCEPT his choice, or feel that it is "wrong" and risk losing him forever. A parent's love is unconditional, or it least it's supposed to be. You don't have to agree with his choices, but you have to accept them if you truly love him, if you want him to respect you. He's still your son!!

Hi G.,

I know I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear...but I feel inclined to respond. If your son is gay (and even if he's not) you are going to need to be 100% supportive either way. Otherwise, you could face a child who harms himself or others due to severe depression. I know there are schools of thoughts in all directions about being gay (and the fact that you can choose whether you are or not) so I guess I just wanted to weigh in for the sake of your son. As an interior designer, a good part of my industry/ trade is either females or gay males--many of whom are dear friends of mine, I don't feel there is a choice. Why would you "choose" to be something which, although is increasing understanding and acceptance, is still something which is mis-understood (and in your case it seems, looked down on). Anyway, I guess the best thing for you to do, if you are looking for advice/ help--which it seems like you are, is to listen to him/ be supportive of his requests while trying not to be judgemental and let him know you are his mom and you love him no matter what. Maybe help him build his self esteem with the weight issue by helping him make healthy lifestyle choices and exercise (and do it with him!) I am sorry if this isn't what you are looking for, but I feel like we're all here to offer each other advice and help. And I hope I have helped you and your son. About me: I have one son who is 4. I am trying to be encouraging of whatever it is he is interested in. It's not always what I would choose--but that's okay! Also--for father's day I bought my husband a book called "Raising Children who think Independently" and it helps children make "internally directed choices" vs. external. Maybe you would find this of some help. Best of luck to you G.. C.

Hi Gena.
Wow! I am reading some of the replies you have gotten & am pretty much shocked & dismayed at the majority of the answers. So many people are saying that being gay is not wrong & there is nothing you can do to change it; it is just who you are. I want to reaffirm your underlying feeling that you expressed in your request which is that it is "completely wrong" to be gay. Does this mean you should have a negative reaction to those who say they are gay? No, I don't think so. They are people & all people do things that are wrong, wheter it be lying, cheating on taxes or their spouse, drinking too much alcohol, or being abusive. There is a statement I have heard which says, "love the sinner, not the sin." I think this holds true in any situation. You can still love your son no matter what he does, but it doesn't mean you have to love what he is doing.
I don't have any experience with any family members who claim to be gay, so I can't speak to that end, only a neigbor & we treat him like any other neighbor; with kindness & respect.
I do wonder, where is your husband in all of this? Does he have a positive role in his son's life? Is he involved?
If you suspect or know that your son is viewing pornography (you didn't say what he was looking at, but I'm assuming it was inappropriate material of some kind), perhaps you should think about moving the computer to an open area in the house where he cannot view anything in secret.
Yes, keep seeking help, but don't let people tell you something is "normal" or "okay" when you know in your gut it is wrong.

Chill out Mom, My son is not gay (that i know of) but ifhe was he has to know he's accepted by u if nobody else!! In ths crazy world we live in our kids go through all kind of trials n tribulations when they walk out that door so they have to know that whatever they do they can always come home to a loving accepting family.... So just let him feel as if he's loved no matter what but u don't have to like what he does n his personal time. Then he may come around in time n realize he's not really gay just curious.

G.,
I know this must be very hard for you. It's hard for your son as well. He has told you he is gay, which is a huge step. It's not something he will outgrow, nor can change. No doubt he has known since he was little. He is at a very difficult age, and being gay makes things even more complicated. I would suggest that you talk to a professional first. Your son may also need help. If you reject your son on the basis that he is gay, you could lose him forever. You don't want to subject him to a lifetime of knowing that his mother has turned against him for something he can't help. Good luck. I know you love your son.

Hi, G. --

It sounds like you're really in a difficult predicament. I need to first say that I do not believe being gay is "wrong." So, you'll have to take my response with that in mind. I believe being gay is generally genetically based, and there is, from what I've read, a relatively fixed percentage of the population worldwide who are gay.

In any case, your son may not actually be gay - but he may be feeling so low about himself that he is wishing to live vicariously through other guys who look or act or experience life the way he wishes he could as he tries to imagine what life would be like if only he were like them.

If I were in your shoes, I would absolutely NOT express any condemnation about his feelings that he might be gay. Rather, I would say, "Honey, you may actually not know your true orientation because right now you're clearly feeling unhappy in your own skin." I would address his own feelings of self-esteem and isolation IMMEDIATELY! The gay issue is, at the moment, far less consequential than what he's feeling about himself, since that is going to impact every single element of his life now and in the future.

Don't jump the gun yet in looking ahead to the possibility that your son is gay. In my view, if he's gay, he's gay - that will not be something you will be able to change and it will certainly not be something you will want him to hide from you. If you love him, you love the person he is, and you will want the most fulfilling and blessed life for that person, including for him to be deeply loved and cherished. If that love ends up being found in someone who's not a woman, however painful that sounds now, I hope you'd eventually be able to be thankful that someone loved him the way you do.

Anyway, I know you may find these statements really disheartening and disturbing, and I completely don't want to leave you feeling that way. I have a number of gay friends, one of whom I really worried about and hurt for because she spent so much of her life alone, "in the closet," taking care of everyone else but herself. When she finally came out and told us she was gay, and that she had someone in her life who loved her, I was thankful and relieved.

Anyway, your son needs some experiences right now that will build his self-esteem and his feelings of comfortability in himself. He may need some training in how to set some goals and achieve them to grow in him a sense of confidence and self-determination.

I'd say, right now, you need to get rid of the computer. That would be step #1 in my house. #2 - no more texting. He needs to get into the real world, with real people who he can interact with. This virtual world stuff is like poison for some personality types, and will only further isolate him. #3, if he's making bad internet choices right now and infecting his mind with perverse imagery, then he needs to be given opportunities to find other types of stimuli and interaction that will enhance his life and not tear it down.

I FEEL for your son in every possible way. It's SO hard for some kids, and that will mean that it's doubly-hard for their loving parents. He needs you to be a leader for him right now, to point the way to new experiences that will help him build up his inner man, and maybe his outer man, too, to learn his options for becomming the man he would like to be. He will be no less of a man if it turns out he's gay. I hope you can believe that.

Apparently, it's pretty commmon for kids to be sexually curious at this age, but with your son's tendency to isolation, I think he's got to be prodded to really get into the world and away from the shaddows.

I wish you only the best, and I hope some people here have some specific suggestions for you about these things.

Take care,
H.

If he's gay and able to tell you even though it's obvious you won't be happy about it then you should thank God you have such a strong child. He could be telling you that to get a reaction out of you, though, so I'd just let him do what he's going to do without having freak-out reaction.
no doctor is going to make him "not gay" so I don't know what the doctor comment is about

It's not wrong to be gay, it's wrong to not support your child. If you are concerned with his weight then by all means take him to your family doctor or nutritionist. Spend more time with him and show him how to be social no matter who he is social with. If you shun his decisions he will learn to hide not only his actions from you but you will also push him away. He may or may not be gay, but he's got your attention now and maybe that's what he has needed. Good Luck!!
S. - married & mother of 4 (9,7,2 1/2 & 1 on the way)

You cannot convince or "wish" your son not to be gay. If he is gay, he is gay. You need to support your son. Be there for him. If he told you about this, either he REALLY trusts you to be there for him, or he is 100% positive he is gay and wants people to know so he doesn't have to keep the secret. Please don't take him to a doctor, that would be belittling him. It is like asking the doctor to tell you what is wrong with him. There is nothing "wrong" with him. If you want to have your son in your life, you need to accept what he is telling you and give him your support. Do this now! Many kids that are gay can become depressed and suicidal because this is very hard to deal with as a kid. Please be there for him and help him through this. Don't try to "change his mind". Just accept what he is and love him. He needs you right now.

One thing I wanted to come back and add... When I was a teenager, I went through a time when I was sexually confused. I thought that I may be gay too. I really didn't have much interest in boys, and I liked looking at women. I realized a little later that I do like boys, and am not gay. I was just confused. Either way, you need to support him. I am guessing that he wouldn't have told you this if he wasn't sure he is gay though, but I just wanted to let you know. If this is the case, and he is just confused, you not supporting him could cause him to "run the other way".

Just so you know, I want to encourage you to seek help for your son. You will probably have some troble finding someone who will be willing to give him the help he needs in this day and age. But help is out there and your whole family will benefit. Your son is showing classic symptoms of Gender Identity Disorder and needs help NOW. There are web sites and such that can help. Your best bet is probably a christian site suce as Focus on the Family. We'll be praying for you. You are not alone!
A.

Hi G.,
Thank you for having the courage to ask for help.
It's great that he can come and talk to you.
I actually just have a few questions. You mentioned that he only has text message friends and no social life. How does he relate to his peers? Does he get picked on at school because of his weight? How is his relationship with his older brother? His dad? How do you relate together as a family?
ALL teenagers have issues with their identity. It's a very confusing time. I think the advice about seeing a counselor is valid. Possibly as a family.
Good luck.

G. have you looked at Exodus Interanational? They are a Chrisitan organization that provides information and referrals for freedom from homosexuality. Here is the link to thier website: http://www.exodus-international.org/ They also have a youth website and resources. http://exodusyouth.net/youth/index.html I will be praying for you.

All boys go through stages of curiosity. That doesn't mean he is gay, it just means he is confused about what gay is. Would he be comfortable talking to your pastor? The most important thing you can do is STAY CALM! Answer all the questions you can for him, no matter how embarrassing so that he knows he can come to you. I know you may be busy, but make yourself accessable 24/7 if he wants to talk. The next important thing you can do is be there to talk.

I would talk to his guidance counselor at school first. They probably deal with these kind of situations on a daily basis and would be your best, most accessible resource. The counselor may give you some talking points to use with your son or may refer you to another kind of professional that could help. Other than that I would probably talk to my pastor or whatever kind of spiritual advisor you may have in your life.

G.

I have several friends who are gay and all of them say that they were born that way. One does not turn gay...it just takes them awhile to figure it out. He could be overweight b/c he eats to comfort himself for the feelings he is having. Being gay is not an easy thing for a teenager to deal with, since most people are unaccepting of the lifestyle. Just love him unconditionally. Do you have any gay friends? Perhaps they could offer some advice. I hope some parents of gay children reply to your post. They would certainly be able to help more than me.

I have a friend who suspected her 10 y.o. was gay so she befriended a gay man so she could better understand her son. This really helped her cope.

being gay is not something you can change. you cannot turn it off like a light switch. He is your son. I am sorry to say, but you have to accept him and love him for who he is, not his sexual preferance. I dont have any experience with this situation, but if my 19 year old autistic son were "typical", i would try to be supportive and as understanding as I could. A doctor cannot change the fact that your son may have gay tendancies. It is a decision that is your son's alone. No one can change that. To be honest, I think it is wrong too, but just love him for who he is...good or otherwise. He is young and confused and he needs a hug and lots of love and support right now. Best of luck to you.

I know what you are going through but I have told my son that it does not matter what he decides I would still love him. That was very important for him to hear. I know you may think it's wrong but this day and age it happens. My son is a little older and he says he is confused about the whole thing. He sees a counselor because it is hard to talk to your parents about it. If he knows that you think it's wrong he may not talk to you about it. I wish I could give you some more advice but a counselor was a good option for my son. He actually is starting to have friends and doesn't stay in his room. I hope you don't think this to harsh but the more you tell him it's not right to be gay, the more he may rebel.Just listen to him and let him ask the questions and be supportive.

Your son needs you to be understanding and loving more than ever right now! You can not be that way if you are wishing he wasn't who he is. 14 is a hard age no matter what you are going through. The last thing he needs right now is to feel like everyone is trying to change him, and that noone understands him. I had a friend who went through the same thing and tried to commit suicide because he felt like he was alone.
Love your son and be very supportive!

Dear G., Eight years ago my grandson came out of the closet and you would not believe what a load it took off his mind and was less stressful. He was able to relax and be himself. I just talked to him and asked 'what causes a person to be gay' his response was 'what causes a straight person to be 'straight' God loves all of us! You also mentioned about your son being over weight, my grandson said that the stress and depression can cause weight gain. My grandson also said to get your son to a non faith based counsler he also said for him it was easier to talk to a woman counsler rather than a male counsler anyway which ever your son is more comfortable with. And last of all love him later as you do today. You know people can't help many things in life so give him a good comfortable life always. My grandson is just as special to me today as he was the day he was born. I hope you will give him a chance to be himself even if you don't approve or like it but give him the love he deserves anyway. Don't worry about what other people say just hope he doesn't hear anything bad from his family. My grandson's father told me he didn't know which would be worse, to tell people his son had comitted suscide or was gay. Ignorant people can be so rude. Good luck and keep praying. Tell you son hello for me. I will keep you all in my prayers K.

Hi G.,
You had posted that your son says he's gay and you asked him why he thinks he's gay, right? And his response is that he looks at guys. Being a guy and looking at a guy in what way? You said he's been looking at THINGS on the computer. What are the things? Did he ever answer your question about what goes through his mind when he looks at guys?
I have a lot of friends that are lesbians and/or gay! I'm totally against it! But I don't judge them for who they are! He's a young teen and its curiousity. Some people go through that especially if they aren't getting anywhere with the opposite sex or so they feel! It might just be a phase most kids go through. I think maybe you should be a little supportive and try and understand him, questions are always good and it might bring you guys closer together. Find out why he thinks about other guys, what he finds interesting about them and if it is gonna damage him or someone else than I would seek into a doctor. In the bible it does say same sex is wrong, but as well is judging! He's YOUR child and as a mother it is your place to protect and believe in him and help him through his trials. I'm not a mother to a teen YET, but I have helped raise my nephews, neices, neighbors kids, step sisters and friends kids. And I'm with you, if my girls had told me that they are gay, I would be in total shock and soo against it as well! But I would question them and ask what there is I can do for them? And see if they want me to help them get over it or get help or what!!??!! I'm sure some where along the line, you'll get your answers and the help you need.

G.,

First of all, everyone who said your son is not necessarily gay is correct. Many, many teens go through this. Excellent advice you received, as far as helping him feel better about himself and not isolate himself further.

Secondly, I noticed that you're in Cinti. I used to live down there, and was a member of Ascension Lutheran Church, on Pfeiffer Rd. off I-71. The pastor's name is Steven Grieser. I STRONGLY recommend you call him and tell him you'd like to talk. He is an EXCELLENT counselor, and can help you deal with this better than anyone. Please, please, call him. ###-###-####.

Blessings, J.

Why if your son is gay is it a crisis??? I understand you aren't wanting a gay son. I wouldn't be thrilled either and I am a lesbian. You can't "fix" him. There is no "cure" for the fact that he feels he is gay. What you do is accept it and move on. Being 14 I'm sure it was really hard for him to even come out and tell you. A lot of boys don't come out. Just live secret lives or get married to women and sneak around. He was up front with you, respect that. Look for a support group in your area. Do some research. Be there for him. Freaking out isn't going to be good for you or him. Be happy that he is one of the teens that choices to come out and not one of the teens that take there life because they can't tell there parents. Do you love your son enough to accept him the way he is??? Good luck to you and if you want to chat write me back. I didn't choose to be gay. I was married to a man for 15 years. I made both of lives bad by not being true to myself. I have 3 wonderful kids from that but I am now happy being me and my kids love me no matter who I'm with.

P.S. I read the other ladies response and taking away the computer and texting isn't going to do any good. Just watch what he does on the computer like you have been doing and that is only that you don't want him to meet the wrong people. If that is something he is doing (trying to meet other boys) then he is trying to reach out to others and see how they deal with it. If he is trying to meet someone to date then tell him if there is a guy he wants to meet to just tell you and you will take him to a diner or some where public that they can sit and talk alone and you can be sure it isn't some sicko older guy. You want him to do things safely. Buy him condoms and talk to him about safe sex. In this day and age he could catch something from either sex. Just wanted to put 2 more cents in.

WOW! Nobody wants their child to be gay. What mother doesn't want their son to get married and have kids?

My advice is to do a lot of reading about this topic. Start looking in the library at books. One book was written by a priest, and I forgot his name. I think it was called "Homosexuality" and it had a yellow cover. He pointed out that homosexuality is a discovery. Thus, this homsexuality is not a choice from the get go. Nobody wants to be different. Another person wrote the book, "You Don't have to be gay". There is a book called "Broken Image". Some people believe homosexuality is caused by genes or hormones while I don't agree with them 100%.

Personally, I subscribe to the theory that psychological
factors are involved such as a deficit in the relation with the father and a lack of male acceptance by males in the same age bracket. These two factors pop up in the movie I saw on TV about the olympic swimmer, Greg Louganis.
His father was unaccepting of him and the boys in the neighborhood made fun out of him. These emotional deficits served as a drive (springboard) to seek out male acceptance at a later date to fill that emotional void. Go to the library or the internet and try to find this move about Greg Louganis. I think it is called, "Breaking the Surface: The Greg Louganis Story" It starred Mario Lopez.

My suggestion, see your pastor, or get some Christian counseling. There are groups such as Exodus International that work with young people. Not everybody gives EI high marks.

From what I read on the internet, articles, books and TV (20/20)sexual orientation is NOT set in cement. 20/20 featured a documentary about 10 years ago about three married women who quit their marriages and entered lesbian relationships. Their husbands and children were shocked. In another 20/20 program a group of gays were asked on TV, "Did you ever have sex with someone of the opposite sex?" and several hands were raised! Thus, orientation can shift from straight to gay and from gay to straight.

What the gay advocates won't tell your son is that gay men DO leave the gay lifestyle and get married and have children. I know of two cases.

Talk to your son. Also, analyze the relationship between him and his father. Did your son ever get it in his head that he could never please his father? Was your husband hyper critical of him? You will need counseling also. Remember, this is a HOT ethical and social issue that all of us face in life. Good Luck

I think you should let your son, be who he is maybe get him to the ymca and let him swim and join the teen center. He can loose weight he will have fun working out up there. I think he might really enjoy it. As far as being gay, who cares its his life let him live it. We as christians should not judge anyone leave that to God.

Just remember, teens go through lots of phases. Talk it out with him yourself because he trusts you the most, not some doctor. Don't be negative or critical or beg him to change his mind - listen to how he feels. Read books about this issue. Maybe he could talk with his older brother since younger sibs usually look up to older sibs. I believe TV plays a major role in this issue so watch TV with him and discuss what is going on so he won't be confused about what he is seeing. But keep in mind that this is your son who you love and you don't want to see him unhappy. If this is really what he wants then support him.

First of all I know it must be a shock to have your son tell you he is gay. Just because he looks at boys and wishes he looked like them does not make him gay. If that were true 99% of american women would be considered gay.
Secondly if he is , in fact, gay, you can't cure it by taking him to a Dr. It is not a disease. Even if you don't approve, he can't help it. You can tell him your religious beliefs or how you do not approve, but that will not change him, if he is gay, he is gay and that is all there is to it.
You will just have to learn to accept it. There are way worse things he could be. Like dead for one. Thank God you have your son and you have a relationship close enough that he felt comfortable enough to share these feelings with you.
Thirdly, Take him to a psychiatrist or counselor of some sort to help him sort everything out.
Hope this helps.
R.

It doesn't sound like he needs to see a doctor. It sounds like he needs more support and encouragement from family. As far as being gay, he is not going to "turn" gay because he sees other attractive boys or because of what he sees on the computer. Without getting into details and ruffling feathers, a person is born gay. Maybe your son is just curious like many other teenagers and it is nothing more than that. You say you love your son and you don't know what you would do if he "turns" gay when he gets older, well common sense would say that you continue to love him. We as parents may not always agree with our childrens choices, but as parents we should always give them our unconditional love. I am not speaking as an authority on this subject, just as the proud mother of a beautiful and successful young woman (23) who just so happens to be a lesbian.

G.- I understand you think being gay is wrong, but if you aren't able give your son your love anyway you may lose him. Can you imagine how hard it must have been for him to tell you that! Nothing "made" him gay- so you can't "un-make" him either. It's not a choice or decision he made... what 14 year old (or anyone, for that matter) would choose a path that would cause them ridicule from people they love and strangers alike? Please support him -this issue unnecessarily tears families apart. He's still your son.
J.

I feel for you G.. Homosexuality is a really tough one for me. My belief is that it is wrong but it is so hard to believe that it is a choice too when there are so many factors saying it isn't. I won't get into a religious debate. I hope that your son is just having normal adolescent whatevers. I have some friends who are gay and they are terrific people. I don't think anyone wants their son or daughter to be gay and I do understand how you feel. I also think that if he is, with societal pressures he is going to need the support of you and your husband. I'm not saying go out and find him a boyfriend, but let him know you will still love HIM. I think at this point in life a lot of kids wonder if they are gay. I never did but we were also at a different time in society. Things are so much harder for kids these days and he may be scared to death that he may be gay because of it. A lot of people are saying taking him to a doctor isn't going to do anything. I think you were probably talking about a psychiatric doctor, not medicine right? In my opinion it might help for him to talk to someone other than his parents in that he may feel that you don't understand because I'm sure he knows your beliefs or that he is letting you down if he is and this way he could talk to someone else. Before you send him though, I would talk to the doctor myself and get their views on how they would handle it. Good luck to you and your family. All I can say is love him.

If your son says he is Gay then he probably is. You just have to love him for who he is not what he is. You can't change the facts.

Well, I will tell you, I have 2 yrrnage daughters and one of them is bi, however, I think she is for the shock value (she thinks it will bother me). I too, believe that being gay is wrong, but people don't choose to be gay, they just are. It is very hard to handle. Thinking about how hard it is for you to handle, how hard do you think it is for your son? Noone wants to be gay, especially when gay people get treated so badly (by certain people, not everyone).
unfortunatley, in this day and age, young children think that everything is/should be acceptable, and if it isn't they dont care. I don't believe taking him to the dr is going to change anything, however, it might make you feel better. There isn't sme magic pill or counselling that can be done to make a person not gay, it just happens.
Good Luck!

HI I think you should just take it one day at a time, I know it would be hard if he is gay, but he is your son, you have to consider his feeling and you should love him no matter wha. Let him figure it out. Alot of kids his age are confused about their sexuality. I know a 14 year old boy( my friends son) he is 15 now, he thought he was gay, he kept looking at boys then one day he saw a girl that really made him really think about what he wanted in life. I dont think he ever hit on a boy or anything but he had thoughts. I think you might want to get him in to see a counsler and let him talk through his feelings. That is just my thought, you should love him and support him in whatever he decides, he is your son, gay or not. Everyone has a right to be happy,no matter if it is smae sex relationship or a co-ed relationship. Please keep an open mind. If you shun him you will lose him forever. I have a friend I graduated with that told her parents she was a lesbian after we graduated. Her parents freaked out and disowned her because they said it was wrong. She had been with her girlfriend for 9 years and has never been happier. She just had a baby in April that her parents will never see and her son will never get to meet his grandparetns, I think that is wrong. You should always love your kids no matter what.

If your son is gay so be it it is not your choice it is his.. You try to fight what he wants to do and be now you will loose him all together because he feels like an outcast!!!! He will leave you and the family forever just accept him for who he is and what he wants to be let him be what he wants to be as long as hes happy!!!! Talk to him and accept him.. He is your son.. Love him and nurish him. I am a mother of 7 and if any of them was gay i would still love them just the same!!!!

If your son is gay, there is nothing you can do about it. I have a gay cousin, and he seems to have been born that way. For example, as a child he wore our grandma's wigs and high heel shoes and pushed around the vacuum cleaner. At least some gay people seem to be this way genetically, and there is no "cure" for homosexuality. Whether it is right or wrong is irrelevant when you are talking about your child. If you don't love him unconditionally and accept him exactly as he is, you will lose his trust and with it any chance of helping him through emotionally difficult times. Being gay is no easy way of life, and he will need your support, which is not the same thing as your approval. If he has no real friends and low self-esteem, a therapist is probably a good idea. It sounds like he is a kid at risk, and how you handle this could very well be a matter of life and death. My prayers are with you. You may also benefit from counseling and/or a support group yourself.

Is he into anything like scouts or groups at school? Get him into something where he feels comfortable with others. He sounds confused. I don't think he's gay with what little you have written. One can admire another of the same sex and not want anything sexual about it. Possabibly you should bring that up with him. Maybe there is someone he could speak with like your pastor a doctor or a close family friend who he admires.

Dear G.,
I am proud ofthat he is trying to find his your decision to help your son. This is a time in his life that he is trying to understand who he is and needs imput of good quality. Will be praying for you and your family.

G., It is hard when you have a son or anyone family tell you that they are gay. In the bible it says it's wrong but my opinion it is between God and your son. I have 2 XBIL's that are both gay. When I got told by them I told them that it's not up to us to judge them. It is up to God. Does your son really understand what being gay is? It sounds like your son is having some real issues about finding out who he is. I would have alot of one on one time with him to start getting him occupied with things as he isn't comfortable with himself. I have raised 3 sons singley and his age is one of the hardest to get through. You have to stay open minded with this. He is your son and will always be your son. If you close him down and out you will destroy any relationship you have with him. He won't trust you and confide in you. It's hard but it will be impossible and may result in a worse tragidy if you can't stay open with him.