My Twins Are Only 12 Months Old and Already "Sharing" Is a Problem

I know what type of problem you are having to the T! My twins are 14 months old and the I've had the same problem since they were six months. Except I have an extremely aggresive girl and a very passive boy. I have started doing short bits of time-out in a playpen for both children. Sometimes the passive one has his bad moments too! We haven't been doing this for very long just a week or so. I will try to keep you informed on how it works. Being a mommy of twins we have already tried getting the same toy in different colors. It makes no difference what so ever. Each one wants what the other one has! I've actually asked the families to stop buying the same things.

HI M.,
The misunderstanding comes from not realizing that your sons are old enough to be disciplined...and if you dont start NOW...you will pull your hair out in 4 months! I have twins, five total....and they were the same way.....and it is very important that yout each kids (babies) from a young age what is right and wrong! THey TOTALLY get it! BAbies are soooo smart! try it! THe fact that he throws a fit when he doesnt get his way, tells you he understands! its our selfish nature to want it now, all of it! You will also be teaching your passive son that doing the right thing is good....he will learn so much from watching mom! Both of them! its vital to their growth and development! You simply tell your aggressive what is right and wrong and correct it instantly...take away things, make him sit by himself for one minute (seems like forever).....etc...discipline is key! again,I have five..life is awesome...because they were raised with right/wrong, cause/effect, etc.....its life! teach them early and dont let your naturally passive son get bullied at 12 months. give him the "drive" that if he "reacts" he will accomplish and feel good...and not just "roll over"....and give up. You can do it and deep down, you know what is right! stick with what will affect them 2 years from now! they are smart, they will get it and you will be blessed!

Hi M.,

I'm on the same page as Cary B. Babies understand selfishness from the womb. They have to learn to share. They might not understand exactly WHY you are disciplining, but you must start now. Behavior is what rules our world. The best tool you can give your little guys is knowledge, and discipline is telling them what you think is right. They can piece together reasons later, just make sure they have the experience to put it together.

God bless!

M.

M.,

Kids are not capable of working things out on their own until they have been taught to do so. What you are seeing is the natural desire to be selfish. It's not the "aggressive" child's fault, he has not been taught any different.
12 months is definately not too young to discipline and they definately can understand some things about sharing. At 9 months, you can begin telling them "No" and redirect them to something else. If your son has not learned the word No by now, it's a great time to start teaching him.
Don't get caught up in feeling sorry for him when he has a fit and gets upset, when he is older, he will be so thankful that you didn't let him have whatever he wanted. If you give in, you will be raising a spoiled child who has no respect for others.
You should set boundaries and be consistent. Don't allow one to get away with anything that the other can't also do. Let him know by using the word No and taking away from him when he takes something away from his brother. Let him cry and don't react to it with sympathy. He needs to know that you are his authority figure and he does have rules. Believe me, he will not hold it against you or be mad at you for long. Children are very resilient and they get over things quickly.
I am a mother of 4 beautiful children ranging from 20 years old down to 10 months old. I have been there and done that and I am here to tell you that you have to take your parenting role very seriously because you only get one chance to do it right. You must give them a lot of love and affection so that they are secure in your love for them and they will desire to obey you when you parent them in love. It works. You will watch them grow to be responsible adults if you give them consistent boundaries and parent them in love.
Take Care and God Bless You!

Hi M.! I don't have twins but I do have a 20 month old daughter that has a cousin one week younger than her. We are a very close family and so the kids are together frequently. We have had this issue as well, but both of our children are more aggressive types so it is really fun! We have found that it does help to have two of the same type of toys. Maybe not the exact same - but like two ride on toys, two baby dolls, two balls, etc...Our kids are a little older now but even at that age (12 mos.), they understood a lot of what we said to them. We would just simply tell them - "XX was playing with that toy - I need you to give it back to him and in 5 minutes, you can have a turn." Most of the time, they cooperate and give the toy back on their own. And we would have them take turns with a popular toy (set a timer) so that they each knew they would get it back - they weren't losing it forever. It is important to try to get the child to give the toy back on his own rather than just snatching it from him and giving it to the other child. But like someone else said, it is very difficult for younger children (under 3) to share. It is hard for them to understand the concept but you still have to teach them that they can not take toys and that they must return them if they do. It isn't really discipline that is needed at this time - more so teaching. Sharing will likely be a problem for a lot longer because of their age but use this time to teach them the right way to act towards others. Don't discipline them for not sharing yet - they are too young - just patiently show them the right way to act. But do discipline for not returning the toy when mommy says to or for throwing a fit about doing so. Those are obedience issues that even 12 mos. olds can comply with.

Another thing that helps is to show the children how to play with the toy together - like if there is one ball - showing them how to roll it back and forth between each other. And maybe look for toys that can be easily played with by more than one child (like a play kitchen).

And look for opportunities to illustrate the concept of sharing whenever you can. Like during snack time, ask one of your boys to please share a cookie with mommy and then heap on the praise when they comply. Make sure to actually use the word "share." If you share a sandiwch with your husband -tell the boys "mommy shared her sandwich with daddy." Illustrate how sharing works frequently, in your daily life, and they will start to understand the concept even though they may still struggle a while with actually doing it.

Good luck! I can imagine you have your hands full with twins!

Poor little guy. I have one suggestion. When the more assertive (aggressive has a negative connotation; assertiveness is a positive trait) twin takes something from the less assertive (gentler?) twin and the gentler one is upset, go to the gentler one, turn your back on the more assertive one, and talk to the gentler one saying that you understand how upset he is when his brother takes something he was playing with.
You could try getting two of the same toy, but just for one or two favorite ones. If you wanted, you could get two in two different colors, with the green one belonging to one twin and the blue one to the other. Having one or two items he doesn't have to share isn't all bad. Don't do this with all the toys though or they won't share.
I've only got a daughter so I don't really have any ideas. Good luck.

Just keep trying to get them to play with one another. Buy toys that both of them can play with at the same time. As they grow up sharing will get easier for them. Just keep trying.

Hi M.........I do have a suggestion. I am the aunt of 2 sets of twins! My sister is an MD so I am very active in helping to raise my nieces and nephew. From our reading, we learned this is a very common issue btw dominant and non-dominat twin siblings. What we read was the proper way to handle this was to gently take the item from the dominant twin while explaining that "Suzy" was playing with that. You are then to ignore the dominant twin for the next few momnets because to give them attention would be rewarding thier behavior. Once the more dominant twin sees there is nothing in it for him to take things from the other, he will likely not do it as much.

Dear M.,
WOW!! Twelve month old twins. You truly must be super-woman. My hat's off to you:-)
I don't have twins, so I don't have any advice pertaining to that, but I do have five children, adn much experience with children of all ages since I run a home daycare.
I will start by saying that your boys are perfectly nomal to start this young with the whole sharing thing. This is the age where they usually do satrt because they rae able to take what they want. However, at this age, your aggressive son doesn't have a clue about the imoact his "taking" has on his brother. He isn't able to uderstand that someone else has feelings, so when he takes it, it's not to be mean, it's because right now in his life, everyhting is about him. 1 year old are all about "self"!
Having said that I will also say that no matter the reason or innocense behind it, he is most definetly NOT too young for dicipline. In fact, I highly reccomend not putting dicipline off any longer. I have seen the result of this way of thinking from parents who didn't try to dicipline their children until they were older (sometimes not until age 3!!), and it is disasterous. The child becomes selfish and dis-obedient. Baby's ae selfish because they thnk they are the center of the unverse (litterally), toddlers are selfish and uncontrollable because their parents failed to dicipline them as soon as they were old enough to understand the word"NO!", which is at about 6 months. Use whatever form of dicipline you and your hisband have sagreed upon and use it quick!!

When your son takes his brother's toy, you are right to take it away and give it back to his brother. Baby A (aggressive) will get upset and cry, of course, but tell him, "you cannot take Brother's toy, come get this car". He will maybe have a fit, but be persistent. This is important. You are accomplishing two things when you do this: 1.you are setting the precedence for good behavior and awareness of others in Baby A, and 2.you are sending the message to both of them that you value Baby S (submissive), and that he is to be treated with courtesy also.
I hope this helps you. Best wishes to your family ~C.

try using a timer - the one with the sand in it - that lasts for just 1 minute. show them how to turn it over and all that and tell them it is a sharing timer, or turn taking timer. best of luck!!

i three boys and from my experience if they are old enough to roll over to what they want they old enough to have thier hands slapped if they are doing wrong and getting things they shouldn't. if yours are 12 months they understand.

Well, there might be a twin website. I don't have time, but you may. Do a search for twins behavior and see what comes up. I do remember my neighbors had like 6 kids but they had a set of twin boys in the mix. I remember they had speach problems because they were left alone to play and kept each other occupied that they needed less attention, and created their own language. They had to go to speech classes.

I used to teach a class of 12 kids between 9 months and 2 years (with two other wonderful teachers), so I know what you're going through and then some. It is always a challenge at this age. I think you got some bad advice from well-meaning moms. Most moms didn't say what they meant by discipline, but most of their suggestions are not appropriate for 12-month olds. If you hit them, they will associate the hitting with you, not their behavior. Time out is useless for kids who can barely walk. Again, they will not associate the punishment with the behavior, and their attention span is way too short for them to "sit and think about what they've done".

At this age, even twins don't really play "together", but they play side by side. Because it doesn't seem to be bothering the less aggressive twin, you could choose to ignore it. Since it's bothering you, I would just take the toy away and give it back to the first. Then spend a minute playing with the less agressive twin and the toy that was taken away. Giving one attention and affection when they are displaying an appropriate behavior and ignoring inappropriate behavior works much better at this age.

You could try getting two of everything. I have heard some moms of twins say that is essential. On the other hand, it's probably part of the fun to take the toy away, so this will not stop the behavior entirely.

With 12 toddlers, this was a constant occurrence. For the most part, we learned to ignore it. With the littler kids, we tried to avoid toy sharing to avoid germ sharing, but that's impossible between twins. I would try to keep your kids happiness in mind. If the kids are happy playing, then play happily with them. "Sharing" and "fairness" will come up soon enough. These are important values to teach all siblings, but it will be much more challening with twins.

Good luck, and try to enjoy this exciting time with your boys!

Hi!
I'm sure you know that children can't share until they are at least 2 yrs old, maybe 3. It's unreasonable to expect them to. It might be better to get them each one of the same thing until that time. If you can't get 2 of something, don't get it at all.
I've seen that others here have advised to discipline the 1 yr olds, but I still think that their ideas would be better for a 2 yr old. Definitely start training them then. A 1 yr old is going through enough in development, I think.

Hi, My name is J. and I too have twin boys that are now 2 and a half. I remember Gavin, the more agressive twin at the time, stealing Gage's bink all the time. It started at 10 months old when one could crawl and the other couldn't. Gavin has always picked on Gage, but let me tell you that my passive one is not passive anymore. He lets his brother have it right back now. The tables will turn and we just for the most part let them work it out, unless someone is going to get hurt. I know how you feel because I felt the same way. Gage would cry and it would break my heart. I just would tell Gavin no and return whatever he took from him. I have realized there is always going to be competition with them and they have totally different personalities too. I remember thinking Gage will get tired of being picked on and sure enough he did get tired of it and now he takes things from Gavin too. I hope this helps...

Michelle is right. Babies don't understand sharing until later...My son who is 3 has a hard time sharing with his 6 year old brother...

Using please and thank you with them now in a very excited tone might help them to want to share. You could play a sharing game like "pass it along" get in a circle with as many family members...show the kids how its done and see if you could get them to pass it. Keep the boys separated at first and later sit them together in the circle!

good luck