I just recently found out that my parents are going to be divorcing after 40 years of marriage. I'm in my mid-30's and this is quite a shock to me, it seems like it's something that only happens to much younger people! It was my father's decision and even my mom is shocked. Our whole family is reeling right now. I have two children, one is newborn and one is 2 years old. He has already established a loving bond with his grandfather. I am angry with my Dad for bailing out on the marriage and not trying to work things out, and he seems to want to go have his own life but still wants to be involved with his grandchildren. He has hurt us a lot but I don't think that I can hurt him back by withholding his grandchildren from him. But how do I explain things to my son? He obviously isn't going to understand what divorce is, but he's going to wonder why grandpa is not around when we see grandma, and vice versa. If anyone has any advice about how to handle this I would appreciate it. Also if anyone knows of support groups for older children of divorced parents I think I could probably use some counseling/support myself. Thanks.
my grandparents got divorced when I was little, and to be honest, the only thing that changed was that I saw grandma and grandpa seperately instead of together. If you have to tell him anything, just say that grandma and grandpa dont live together any more but they still love him and he can still see them.
You won't have to explain much to a 2 year old. Just let them know him know they will now have 2 houses. One for Grandfather and one for grandmother. TRY not to make a big emotional deal out of it in front of your son. You set the tone for your children.
I do agree you should see a therapist. This is a devastating thing that your entire family will have to come to terms with.
To many people divorce is worse than a death, because you have to deal with all the shattered pieces each time you see each person involved. This is not unusual, but you may need help from someone on the outside so help guide you and a safe place to express your true feelings.
Please also speak with the therapist about allowing you to also have some therapy with your dad. You will both need it to try to come to grips with this.
I am sorry this happened. I am sending you strength and a healing heart.
You might be shocked, but your 2 yr old won't understand. He'll simply visit Grandma and Grandpa separately. It's going to be hard not to take sides (you already back your Mom), but something was going on that your Dad found to be intolerable to live with anymore. Your Mom didn't have a clue? Your parents relationship was what it was and it was between them. Some counseling or therapy might help everyone every which way around. Not to patch anything back together, but to help the reeling family members figure out how to deal with the aftermath.
Just tell your toddler that G&G don't get along and they are going to visit by themselves from now on. I don't think your son will care, as long as he is still seeing them both.
It is shocking but it happens. Remember that no one knows what goes on in a marriage except the people in it, and no one knows what goes on in someone's head except the person whose head it is. Your Dad may have been unhappy inside for a long time, and just have been good at hiding his feelings, but finally decided to act on them.
I know this is very hard for you but I am on the opposite end of the spectrum and I feel that my parents should have been divorced way bad. I can't be much help except I do recommend that you see a therapist. I can understand the fact that you are angry with your dad but please try to realize that it is his decision and his life. The children will need to see you be a strong role model for them. The children will benefit to the fullest extent by seeing their grandpa. You really don't have to do much explaining to a 2 year old. If the question ever arises just say that grandma has her house and grandpa has his.
My parents are separated and will end up divorcing. I also have two kids, my oldest will be 5 next month and my youngest is 2. They don't question why grandma and papa don't live together. We live with my mom right now and get excited to go visit papa. So I don't think you really need to explain a whole lot. Good luck and God Bless.
He won't understand. Just visit who you vist when you visit. He's too young to even ask about it. If he does, you can say they are on different schedules and you'll see gma or gpa soon. All I can say is you need to be direct and ask them to be mature when it comes to being polite to each other for the sake of their grandchildren. Take care!
I had to respond to your post when I read it because it could be my story - almost exactly. after 24 years of marriage, 5 years ago my dad and mom divorced while I was expecting my second child and had a 2 yr. old. It was a huge shock to our family as well, even my mom, and it has been tough. 5 years and a new stepmom later, healing is happening, but life is never the same, and it has been a rough time for everyone. I was very disappointed in what I could find for adult children of divorced parents. It seems people think (my dad thought this as well...) that once you are an adult, you are going to be OK. That you will be mature and objective, even be a shoulder to cry on for them both. No one seems to think this should be a problem for you since you are not being shuttled back and forth to different homes and you have a home of your own. This is a very tough spot to be in, because you are still their child, no matter how old you are, and you expect them to still behave like adults (which they won't - most likely :) ). It's very easy to be manipulated and used. One book that helped somewhat was "The way they were" by Brooke Lea Foster written for adult children of divorce. It didn't help a lot with the issue of children, but for you it might be helpful. I haven't looked lately, but maybe there's more material out there now. This situation is not very uncommon anymore, unfortunately.
I agree with many of your responses that you needn't explain a lot to your son right now. Address questions as they come, but for now you might explain only that his grandparents don't live in the same house anymore. My now 7 yr. old has started to understand that her grandparents are divorced and why only in the last year. I also agree that your responses to your parents and any issues that come up will set the tone to how your son will feel about them. I know how it feels to have to curb your tongue so as not to bias my kids! It's hard. Hopefully you have an understanding spouse/partner or a therapist if you are able.
One more thing. I don't know if you have siblings and if they have children too. Myself and my 3 siblings have all handled this a little differently. We have tried hard to respect each others' way of dealing with it, even if we disagreed. It's hard. Work to keep your family together by being honest and respectful - this will benefit your children too!
I really wish you the best, and know there are hearts out there feeling for you!
Hi H.. I understand what you are going through because my parents are now essentially divorced (they are legally separated and living in separate apartments) after 40 years of marriage. I have two daughters (2 and 3.5) and honestly, I don't think you need to say anything to your children. You can wait until they ask any questions and then base your answers on what they ask.
My kids have an amazing relationship with my parents and used to see them a couple of times a week when they were living together, spent most holiday's with them, spent the night at their house all the time etc... I thought for sure they were going to ask questions and wonder why they were not together anymore. After they separated, the kids visited each of their apartments and never seemed affected by this or thought it was strange (I on the other hand need therapy!) My 3 year old has never questioned why they are not together, why they don't live together, and never asks for them at the same time. The only question she has asked is why Grandma has a new house. I didn't lie, but didn't give the full truth and said that her old house was too big and she wanted a smaller place that was easier to clean and had a pool. This answer was perfect for my 3 year old and her response was "it's cool, I like it!"
My kids see Grandma often because we are such good friends, but I make sure they get plenty of time with Grandpa too at our house and his. This has helped my girls with the transition because they don't feel like their relationship has changed with either Grandparent. Obviously, as they get older if they ask questions I will cross that bridge. Until then, I am allowing them to just love their grandparents and stay out of the drama.
As for me, I too need a support group and I am sure they are out there. I would be glad to talk with you on the phone or get together for coffee or a playdate if you want to share experiences and support one another. Shoot me a private message and we can exchange numbers and emails and figure out if we live near each other. Good luck and I understand!
