How Do I Handle This One...

Hi Meghan
I to am a child of divorce and my husband is not. I have a 7yr old boy and 2yr old girl both my parents are remarried
and my kids know my step dad as Papa Bud and my step mom just by her name Nancy. I think a little info is good, don't go over board, I really didn't tell my son much just that Grandma and Grandpa were once married and now their not but isn't that great that we have Papa Bud and Nancy. He accepts this and once he's older and asks I will tell him. He's never doubted my husband and my relationship, it's pretty strong and
he hasn't ever questioned it.
Good Luck, but like I said at 3 a little info goes a long way and don't worry about it !

As simple as this may sound, just tell her the truth in three-year old language. Both my mom and dad were married to each other but now they are not. They both are still your grandparents and they both love you. She does not need to know anything else at this point. She will become accustomed to this as she gets older. You will heal and when she gets older and if she wants details at that time you can explain it to her.

I am also a child of divorce, although I was only 5 so it's pretty much the only life I know. Because that's just the way it's been for me, I think I don't even think twice about it. So the day my kids ask me, "Why does Grandma L. live by herself, but Grandpa K. lives with Grandma Angie, and Grandpa and Grandma B. live together", I will just say "Because Mommy's mom and dad weren't happy when they lived together, and they fought a lot, so they decided to live in different houses. They still love Mommy very much, and now Grandpa loves Grandma Angie, and everyone is happy this way." And if she extrapolates that and asks that if you and your husband fight, will you split up, just say "No, because we love each other and even mommies and daddies who love each other fight sometimes". I agree, keep it simple and if she seems insecure, just reassure her. I don't think it's as big of a deal as you're afraid it will be. Good luck :)

I would answer the questions as simply as possible. When my children were younger and my husband and I would have an argument, my daughter would ask me if "I was going to get a divorce?" (she already knew divorced people in our family). I would assure her that I loved her dad very much but didn't particularly like his actions, at the time. Keeping in mind the dialog that you use and the comparison that she may make to "her mommy and daddy" are very important. She may be just plain curious why Grandma's relationship w/ Grandpa is different than yours or she may want to be assured that it is not going to happen to you. After you answer the question...tell her why daddy is the only man for you... "He's funny, a good provider, a great dad, ..." This should be enough to quell her questions. Having your husband around when you answer the question, may be helpful and will give you a unified front. (Plus...I'm sure your husband would like to hear you say all the good things about them anyway!) Also, please understand that your parent's divorce was THEIR problem... make sure you are letting go of any emotional baggage that it caused you or talk to someone if you still need to deal with the pain of the divorce. I watched a friend go through this at 24 years old. It was some rough stuff. Good luck.

You already know you need to do some healing yourself so I would find a good therapist. Processing your feelings will allow you to be more confident about handling the situation with everyone involved.

Hi Meghan,
Without a doubt, children are more inquisitive more than ever--due in part to us allowing our children to be "heard and seen."
I have two grandchildren who ask questions that cause me sometimes to stop in my tracks.
But at any rate, they ask and are relentless in getting answers.
Generally what I do is ask them what prompted that question. My experience has been that they want to be reassured that you are ok and that they are loved and not forgotten about.
Yes, they are highly sensitive young people and pick up when you are not ok.
My grandson once asked me why don't I have a man in my life. I asked him why did he want to know. He told me that he worries about me being home alone and if I had a man here, he would feel better knowing I am protected.
Young people want to know that no matter what,they will be loved.
Lastly, young people do not like being left out as if they don't know whats going on or capable of any type of understanding.
Be honest with them. Talk with your parents to find out what questions they are being asked by your child. Develop standards as to ways these questions will be handled. Share the question and answers. Make certain all parties involved reassure the child that they are well loved my all.
I hope this helps.

Meghan, I am still coming to terms with my own parents divorce and I am almost fifty one years old. And then despite my cries when I was little that I would never get a divorce, I myself got one. There were six living children in my family.My father remarried many years later and he had two additional daughters my half sisters who actually grew up with my children. My mother married a man with six children. It is an ever evolving explanation and your daughter sounds like you are doing beautifully with it.You appear to be honest with the questions and answers, sufficient for two year olds who are actually so smart aren't they? It is touchy because the simple well they didn't love eachother any more might make a little one think that whenever they have a conflict that someone will divorce them! So I would guess that in that reflection that your daughter needs her own guarantee that she will always be loved no matter what and that your own plan is to never divorce your husband. In her future she will know whatever truths are available so she can start out with what a little person can understand and then let it's evolution proceed. You and I will always be coming to terms with divorce. My father passed away and I still wish he and my mother were back together. I am happily remarried but I wished that I never had to get divorce. Divorce is very painful in most cases and I often question these people who are so happily 'in like' with their former mates. Even though mom and dad can't be there at the same time, you can make each separate set of visits special. This is a world where divorce is all around us sadly.When I grew up, Irish Catholic, there weren't too many divorces and whisper, whisper we were the divorced family on the block. Luckily there are now books and all sorts of people out there who understand this phenomena. Give yourself and your family a hug and if you ever need to write and let it out I promise to answer you. S.

Hi Meghan - My parents also divorced when I was 25. Sounds like a similar situation. My kids now are 3/6/9. My 3 year old hasn't asked much, but the 6 & 9 year old have [both my mom and dad live in a different state, so we only see them once or twice a year]. My dad is remarried with three small kids, and my mom is single. A few years ago one of my sister's kids asked "why do our cousins call Grandpa "dad"". They didn't understand at the time that my dad's boys were actually their uncles :-). I've talked to the older kids quite a lot about divorce. I've told them that marriage is something we have to cherish and take care of. That's why daddy and I go out on dates, we hug each other, we hold hands, and we talk to each other. They understand that my mom and dad were very much in love at one time, but they let other things become more important than their relationship. I also tell the kids that I'm lucky because I saw how in love my mom and dad were, and how happy they were when they were in love. And I saw how sad they were when they weren't in love any more. I know how important it is to take care of my marriage so daddy and I will always stay in love. I think this also helps them understand that it's a good thing when mom and dad leave to go out on dates, or when mom and dad have time to talk without being inturrupted by the kids. The big kids seem to "get it", they've definately expressed concern about my husband and I getting a divorce, but they seem to understand when we talk about how much we love each other and how we are making sure to make our relationship a priority. Good luck with everything! Hope this helps.

Keep the answers simple and short. Only answer specifically what she asks nothing more. She will stop asking when she has had enough information and can't quite grasp the information. So when she says why don't grandma and grandpa live together. You could say they did when I was little. And then go from there. You can explain things to her at her level and yet not give her too much. Only you know how much she can handle and what you actually want to tell her. I think kids are able to handle a lot more than we think. My policy is let them guide you but be as honest and simple as possible.

As others have already told you, you are not alone in this dilema. Your acknowledgement of needing healing for yourself is key to being able to have answers for your child.
Simplicity is the goal when answering such questions from your 3 year old. In reading your post, it seems you may need to sift through your own questions, and be carefully attentive to her question.
In my world, divorce, separations, remarriage and even death is an unfortunate reality in marital realtionships. But for our family we remain focused upon our love for the individuals despite their actions. What becomes important is establishing for our children that the relationship they have with grandpa never changes no matter how many times he remarries (my dad is divoreced 3 times, and his current wife battling an aggresive cancer). Meanwhile, mom's bitterness from the divorce has startling mainfestions as her alzheimer's progresses.
It is tragically sad that our children have to face such things, but I am grateful that they have the stable model, as yours do, of my in-laws and my husband & I. So we keep the focus on the actual impact these things have on them; i.e., abuelita (my mom) is confused, grandpa (my dad) will always be your grandpa, etc.
The most important part is to make peace with it for yourself, otherwise, your anxieties will be what is passed on to your children.

ABOUT ME: Adult Child of divorce, married 11 years to adult child of healthily married parents. 3 children ages; 7, 5 and 2.5.

When a child asks "where did I come from", they aren't necessareiy wanting to know the birds and bees story, they wanted to know because their new little friend came from Detroit.

Same thing haapened to me when I was 26. The announced their divorce on their 30 anniversary. My kids were a little older. They understand the little words like "happy" and how this all relates to them.

I can't tell you the exact words, that is the formula
You know your daughter.

As for you, It was the best thing for both my parents
They are both happier and most certainly healthier because they moved on. Had they stayed together my Mom would have killed herself with some awful disease that she would have brought on herself and my Dad would have killed himself drinking. She has not been to the hospital since the day of their divorce and he quit drinking, other than an occaisional beer.

Less details the better...keep it simple. All she needs to know is that they love her no matter where they live.

I say keep it minimal.... like you and you hubby share a room (you're married) and she has her own room (she's single).. some grownups live together & some have their own homes. It just depends on if they are married or not. Your one pair of grandparents are married and live together the others aren't so they don't live together. It's the law.. married live together... not then they are single and live apart. the more simple the more they will accept.. too much info leads to more questions.

You don't have to delve too deeply into the grandparent situation. 3 years is too young for too much information. Let her know that sometimes people don't get along anymore and adults need to divorce. Maked sure she knows that they still love us and now grandpa is happy with the other lady. The other lady is one more person to love your child and grandma is happy by herself right now.

I agree with many of the other answers about short and simple. Yes you may have some issues to resolve still and it would be great to do so. But your child is merely curious and is probably asking very basically how do relationships work? How come one person can be alone and another can be married? It can be as simple as Grandma and Grandpa did not want to be married anymore because they weren't happy together, so now they live apart, etc. I'm pretty she she isn't asking for the details of their divorce! And with the divorce rate I'm also pretty sure she has friends with divorced parents so it will become quite normal. (sadly)

keep it simple and honest, as you can be with a 3 year old that is.

Hi Meghan,

I have a similiar situation to yours. My parents divorced when I was 22. It was a difficult time for all involved. Both my parents have since moved on with other people. My dad has remarried and my mom has a live-in fiance of five years. My daughter is 2 and spends tons of time with both sets of grandparents. Personally, I would make it as simple as possible. Just tell her that a family can be made up of all different types of people. Some familys have a husband and wife, some just a single mom, some two moms, etc.... Just make it clear that it doesn't matter the make-up, just that they all love her equally. I would refrain from using terms like "divorced" at this age. Tell her how lucky she is to have more than just one grandma and grandpa and all that extra love! Make sure you refrain from showing her your left over hurt or anger about the divorce. She shouldn't have to deal with those issues. Reassure her how much you love her dad and how you two will always be her parents. That is about as far as I would go at this point, just be very general and make her feel secure. Also make sure your own parents are not bad-mouthing the other one if your daughter is around. You don't want to create a situation where your daughter feels she has to pick sides. Good luck, everything will turn out fine. I know its hard when your parents separate even after your an adult.

at 3 years old......keep it extrememly simple!

We have similar family situations...we just tell our son (who is now 5) the truth but in words he can understand. Their minds work wonders and more adult than we'd like to think. Field the questions as they come and be as honest as possible, that wayyou won't get busted for lying later in life and your child will grow up to accept and understand their family just they way they are...special in their own special ways!!