My Husband and I Disagree

My husband and I are kind of the opposite to a degree. I can't stand clutter but I can ignore the kitchen floor unless it's actually sticky. He, on the other hand, can ignore clutter stacked to the ceiling as long as it's not on the floor. It only took us 23 years to work it out(lol), but we just pretty much let the other one do what's more important to them or what they're good at. I let him do the floors, he calls me in to pick up a cluttery spot if he wants to clean (polish, scrub, vacuum whatever). He handles the bathrooms for the most part, we share kitchen duty. Hope it doesn't take you 23 years! lol

It's sometimes hard when you and those you live with have differing opinions on tidiness. On the upside, you don't have to agree on what is most important to cohabitate peacefully! I highly recommend checking out the website www.flylady.net for ideas to maintain all your household chores and to learn to work together. Perhaps if you dislike dealing with the clutter, that can be your husband's job and your job can be the kitchen. If the clutter ever takes hold, it is so much more difficult to catch up so I understand your husband's point of view. If you allow bacteria to grow in your kitchen, it's easier to get sick. So both tasks are equally important.

Are you sure you two aren't stressed over the holidays and this is simply the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back? Make sure you are able to spend time each evening relaxing together, chatting and laughing. Maybe listen to some calm music or a book on tape. This will build your relationship, keep stress at bay, and make it easier to deal with housekeeping disagreements positively. Good luck!

I was gonna say what Lisa D said, so I'll just second that! There will be times, like when company is on the way, that one or the other of you will have to do the thing you dislike doing. You're a team - just agree to take the role you find most pleasant unless it's important to the family to pitch in to make something happen now.

If it makes you feel any better, mine doesn't mind clutter or dirt, and in fact is the major source of clutter in our home (meaning I end up doing most of it myself or nagging for help, but we do have a cleaning person once a week that makes my life tolerable). However, when we have company it's like he stepped into a Mr. Clean phone booth! Suddenly, he is all electrified about cleaning, swearing the entire time about what a cluttered, disorganized house we keep - and blaming it on guess who!! Ha ha ha ha... Good luck to you!

Bottom line: you're never going to get your husband to think like you no matter how hard you try, and you're never going to think like him. Take what you can get, agree to seperate responsibilities, and do your part well enough that you feel good about upholding your end. If the clutter bothers him, have a spot outside of the common area that he can put your stuff - a box, a basket, whatever. You may actually be surprised how much "clutter" you have when you see it in one spot. There are so many more important things to take a stand on, so make peace about losing this battle and get back to loving your husband for what he does right. I hope this helps.

Well, if he's going to be so stubborn about it then you have a couple of choices. You can stack the dirty dishes on top of the paper clutter, or you can stack the paper clutter on top of the dirty dishes. Either way, I would spritz the dishes with vinegar or whatever your favorite disinefectant is before doing it.

Seriously, if the paper stuff is so important then why in the hell isn't he handling it? I guarantee it doesn't take as long for him to do that as it does for you to handle the dishes and the bathroom.

P.S., you're right. Paper clutter may be annoying but it doesn't grow mold, bacteria and other yucky stuff.

Well here is my suggestion, write down every chore there is on the list daily, weekly, monthly. Then sit down and divey them up.

Now for the coats whoevers coat it is it's their responsibility to put it away.

For the mail when you get it keep what's needed and throw away or shred the rest.

Also when you make your list write down the things that take a few minutes or even seconds. Such as take 20 minutes after dinner and run thru the house and do a spot check. Just a quick tidy up and then you are done.
Also my husband tag team things such as giving the kids a bath (we have 3). I will start their water, he will get them in, I will get their clothes, he will start bathing and then send one to me, I will dry off and come their hair, after that one is done the other comes out and we get that one dressed the first one goes back in to get their teeth brushed, and then the last one comes out. We tag team alot of things like this. We do the weekly cleaning on Saturday morning, I start on laundry and he starts cleaning the house he usually starts in our room and works his way towards the bathroom. It takes us 4 hours on saturday to get majority of the laundry done and the whole house clean. We do everyday cleaning every night Monday thru Thursday but we have TGFFN (THANK GEORGE it's FRIDAY FORGET it NIGHT) we don't do anything that night.

Also neither one of us sit down till everything is done. And with 4 kids and 2 adults and 1 dog it is a team effort.

I've been marry for 1 1/2 is been quiet a trip beacuse my husband like things his way too.
we went to a marriage couple book Club and read
The Five Love Languages.
I cn't tell you how much will help you to understand your point of view between each other.
Please Don't take my word for it but thre is a particular case in the book the will relate to your particular story.
Don't forget to take the test in the back to let your mate know what love language you are so he is aware!!!
Wish you the Best
S.

I agree, try Flylady. The bottom line is that you can't clean clutter, so you are both right. Instead of arguing about it, see if you can't both agree to a few things based on what Flylady recommends. She is the reason my house is clean and clutter-free!

It seems simple. Since your husband does not like clutter, then why not have him do the "picking" up and since you do not like dirt, you do the wiping down.

Hi, R.!

This one is easy!

You do what is important to you, and let him do what is important to him. Period. Problem solved.

If he doesn't like the clutter, let him pick up his own jacket, mail, papers and so forth.

You clean the bathrooms and load the dishwasher and do the stuff that bugs you.

But there is a compromise here: You can't be leaving YOUR jacket, mail, papers everywhere and expect him to clean up the mess YOU left. That's just rude. And he shouldn't leave HIS dishes everywhere, pee on the edge of the toilet, crumbs on the counter, etc. for you to clean up after him. You both know that these things bother the other person. BOTH of you continuing to do those things is disrespectful to the other.

It's all about compromise in a situation like this one.

Post this list if you need further clarification. This works for EVERYONE in the house:

Please note our House Rules:

If you open it, close it.

If you turn it on, turn it off.

If you unlock it, lock it.

If you break it, fix it.

If you can't fix it, report it.

If you borrow it, return it.

If you make a mess, clean it up.

If you move it, put it back.

If it doesn't concern you, don't mess with it!

If you don't know, ASK!

And....keep your nose clean!

I use the website flylady.com. She has a lot of ideas to keep your house clean AND decluttered. And she makes it a little at a time. Try it out.

Why can't you take care of the stuff that bugs you, and he takes care of the stuff that bugs him? My husband doesn't nag me about the housework. If something bothers him enough, he takes care of it himself. Could you make a deal like this with him? Good luck!

Hello R.,
I feel like I could have written this letter! I am in EXACTLY the same situation, complicated by the fact that while I'm 6 months pregnant, and not currently working, my husband feels his chores are further minimized by the fact that he works daily, and I've got nothing to do all day! (HAHA, RIGHT!!)
Regardless, about the clutter, in a household with children, it is just about impossible to deal with, unless you stop sleeping and straighten the house all night long. My husband and I had to come to a compromise. Our master bathroom is my main pet peeve, and his is our main living space, since that is where I am most of the day, I've agreed to keep the clutter down, by keeping our tables pretty clear, and he has to help with our bathroom. Putting his shave kit away, or closing the shower door to avoid mildew, or putting the lid on the jar of q-tips, simple stuff like that.

The problem arises that, if I don't do what I said for that day for whatever reason, he feels justified in keeping our bathroom messier, it's actually pretty childish. What we end up doing is on the weekends, we both clean the main rooms, and split up the work as best as we can. But we are both working together, he usually picks up the clutter that bothers him, and I'll do what bugs me. It helps to get the kids involved, so that it feels like a family affair. It's just dealing with the mess until the weekend when we can work on it.

I hope this helps somewhat, our system is not perfect, but our arguments have gotten lighter recently about that stuff.
Good Luck
L.

My husband and I are about the same way except I don't like the clutter and he doesn't like dirt, (I am the one that cleans the bathrooms). But the way that we work it out is that I do what I think needs to be done the most and he does what he thinks needs to be done most so our house is usually very clean. It seams to work out for us then we help each other whenever the other is done. We usually pick one day a week that we just make sure that all the dirt gets cleaned up (ex. sweep, mop, bathrooms) we also have it worked out that whoever cooks the other one cleans the dishes (loads the dishwasher) that way it always gets done.

My husband and I are the EXACT same way-- he can't stand clutter (I grew up with it, so I tend to let things pile up) and I can't stand grime or germs. And I know that it won't necessarily work for you to have him keep up with the clutter while you do the cleaning-- I like to look at all the mail & school papers, but he tends to recycle things I'm interested in. Or he'll pick up and put things away in the wrong place and I can't find it later. So him de-cluttering while I clean wouldn't work for us.

In the last year or so, I have made a really conscious effort to start keeping things neater. I made the decision to do it for him, sort of as a gift to help him be less stressed, but I never pointed out to him that I was really making the effort, so there was no pressure on him to reciprocate. I now really only have one place (dining room buffet) that I allow things to pile up. I've found that now that I'm really trying to keep things neat, he's either consciously or subconsciously starting to "clean" more. And now that he's really noticed that I'm making an effort, he doesn't mind when I ask him to wipe down the counters or vacuum the floors.

Something that helped me is that I resolved to find the best solution to help me keep things organized, even if I have to go out and spend money to get what will work best (I'm a very thrifty person, so I hate spending money on stuff like that). Together, my husband and I figured out what we needed to keep all of our coats, backpack, hats, etc. organized. Then we went out together and found what we needed to make it as EASY as possible to keep it neat. We hung a coathook low so my daughter is now responsible for hanging her own coat and backpack. My point is that you should decide what your biggest problem areas are and then figure out EXACTLY what you need to help you keep things put away. We now have a nice-looking 2-drawer filing cabinet and "bill-paying center" in our dining room. We weren't making the effort to file bills and important papers when the filing cabinet was all the way upstairs. Now the filing cabinet is where we look at the mail and pay bills, so it's easy to file it when we're done. And I don't get the mail out of the mailbox until I have time to really look through it-- it doesn't hurt anything for it to sit in there a day or two. (sometimes you also just have to let your hubby go through the mail and know that he won't throw away anything that's REALLY important)

Do what it takes to make it easy on yourself, and then quietly resolve to do it-- for yourself, your husband, or your kids. If you don't tell him you're doing it, there's no grief from him if you let things slide a little. But if you find a really good reason that will motivate you, you'll be able to get back on track all by yourself. Good luck! I feel your pain!

yes R. try www.flylady.net it may take awhile but can help can your house in order.