My Husband and I Can't Seem to Agree..

Someone recently gave me a really funny basketball analogy about 2 versus 3 kids. When there's only 2, the parents can set up a man-to-man defense. When there's 3, you have to slide into a zone defense. Sorry if you don't get it. Hopefully it's as funny to you as it is to me :)

Dear D.,

Nature will ultimately decide if you have another child or not. Whether it will be a boy or a girl. But here is the thing for example my Oldest of three Brothers was more strong headed being the first child which is typical. He is 9 years older. The Middle child is 4 years older than me. Both have more stable careers now than but amazingly my middle brother a Dr. with his older but upper end home and good income still for many years felt the middle child and the youngest child feelings. I could see it in his face. A friend parents had a boy and a girl. I think that two is about perfect as you could get especially if one of each sex. They would not compare themselved the same ways as two boys or two girls might. But anyway my oldest married an Only Child woman. She wanted a big family. He wanted some family but never talked about the size of it much. So their first two were girls who did very well in school. They also wanted a boy... It took about seven years, in vitro fertilization etc. to have that boy which they eventually did. But if the 3rd was a girl? The point is be happy with what you have! Also sending one child to college lets say cost 120,000 or more... now multiply that by 2 is 240,000.00 or more NOw by 3 360,000. That is just one cost and is much higer as the age differences and inflation. Now how about their 18 years of being at home or more.
About 2,000 the first year per child, about 7,000.00 + or minus in daycare costs if going that route till about maybe 8 years old, not sure. So the first chlid about 50,000 not including food, new car sizes etc. now x 2 100,000 now x 3 150,000. So lets say supporting 3 might cost till they graduate college or so.
$510,000.00 two might cost $340,000 one might cost 170,000 to support for their teen years and if need be in college or graduate school.... This is probably conservative figures.
Now take your someday estate... Lets say your house is paid for, cars paid for, and most other things you own.. If average house in USA is about $320,000 now??? Belongings and investments any where from 100,000 to 1,500,000. Lets say it is inbetween!
800.000 plus home 1,140,000. Now the unfortunate happens and split the will amongst all the chirldren equally say. Then an only child might get a sum of 1,140,000 which is a big help to any child and of value if you taught them the value of money, working for it vs saving for it etc. Now say two children so each gets $507,000 which probably pays off their mortgage or they buy a new house and take a vacation sometime or save it for their kids education... Now with Three children sharing the 1,14,000,000! each might get 380,000. also could help them pay off a mortgage or buy a new house... But if two they could also save for childrens education this extra money and the only child... they become a millionare which today is not even unusual if you look at the new homes being built today! Just their houses alone could be a million dollars when they sell it. ANd in some areaa like NY City most of manhattan almost all who own even a one bedroom is now clost to a million dollars. So the rest of us.... just for that alone would be in comparison to these others "poor" in real estate But the richer others the hotels etc will raise there rates, airlines etc for these fast millionaires. That is happening today! Airlines are making planes for the rich and business class flyers and soon fewer seats on some airlines will be even somewhat affordable to fly on!
So one child, two, three, four, five you decide but dont have chidren because you want the Sex to be what you "required" that is usually ridiculous to do since we have little though some control now over that. Be happy with what you DO have! Two or one seems Ideal in most cases. PS our child Is and Only Child.
ANd to our surprise it is not rare as it was generations ago. A significant number of couples have one child for work reasons, older marriages or whatever reason. When we grew up Three was the Ideal, now depending on the situations one or two is "ideal" or many people who don't have "issues" or religions or health reasons that suggest having many more children.
P.S. I am saying this against my own self interest starting an online store for childrens items some time some day.

Written by spouse, Steven

I was so happy to see your request because my husband and I are currently going through the exact same thing. I had two horrible, high-risk pregnancies, but still want a third. My husband thinks I'm nuts and I can't really blame him. I'm totally torn because I know he'll eventually do what I want, but I'm scared to death that something will be wrong with the child and he will then resent me. I would love to know what you end up deciding to do.

-L.

Sorry to hear that you can't agree on this. See if there are other reasons why your husband doesn't want another one. I bet it has nothing to do with middle child issues. Just some advice...I could be way off here but I do think you should respect the fact that he may not want another one. So many times you hear about this type of thing and I would hate to have your husband resent it later.

My husband and I both come from three-kid families, though his older brother is about 10+ years older than him and lived with his mother (dad's first wife) most of the time. For most of his life, it was just my husband and his younger brother, who's 3 years younger. They got along great, well, as great as brother's can get along anyway. :P

I currently have three children, so I called my sister to ask her this very question about the "middle kid" syndrome. Her words were "Jess, we ALL had it". She was right. Our parents never played favorites, it's just that at certain points of our childhood, one of us required a bit more energy from our parents. (Beth's horseback riding, Charlie's soccer, my piano lessons/recitals, etc) *shrug* It happens.

Personally, I think it's in how you raise your kids, not what other people perceive. Maybe have your husband talk to mutual friends and coworkers to see how they feel about their upbringing, or how they're raising their kids. You've gotten great feedback from us moms, but maybe he needs to hear it, too. Give him some time to think about it, and yourself too, and then talk about it again. Whatever you decide, I'm confident your children will grow up knowing how much they're loved, even if they do have to share your attention from time to time. :)

In my family it isn't the middle child problem, it's the youngest. I'm the only girl and get along well with the brother in the middle. He gets along well with our youngest brother, perhaps because they're both males and closer in age. But trying to get everyone to agree on something, like a special anniversary gift for our parents or having a holiday together is a nightmare, and it's usually the youngest who doesn't want to do what the older two would like. I suppose it's somewhat of a basic numbers game; the more people involved in something, the harder it is to get everyone to agree. But I would advise you to not just think of what you want now, but what you'd like to see in your family in 20 or 30 years. It happens sooner than you think!

I've go to say I agree with your hubby on this one. I was the oldest of 3 girls and the middle could never get her act together. I think she definately got less attention than the youngest and I. And the youngest and I got along famously and still do. She just always felt left out. Her teenage years were hell on our family. Now that she's 24, things have ironed out. She's still the only of 3 to not attend college. For my own family, we'll have 2 or 4, not 3!

I don't totally agree with the "middle child syndrome". I thin it is more of an "odd one out", two boys and 1 girl or vice versa, it is usually the "odd" 1 that will feel left out. Could be the first born, middle or last. I am the oldest of 3, we are spaced 2 1/2 years apart. My middle brother was actually the one that was given everything. I do not know if in our case, the middle was better, if it was because he was the boy they wanted when I was born, if it was because he almost died as an infant, or that he had emotional problems, but I know he got away with everything! He still does, even when he was arrested for drugs (more then once) it was not his fault. He broke into a car, not his fault. Nothing ever is. The baby is a total slacker and the rules are constantly changeing for him. 21 years old, a high school drop out, no job and living off mom and dad. I have always been the one that was held to the higher standard, the oldest and the only girl. I was supposed to behave, be quiet, do my housework and homework, get good grades, have a job (since I was 15) and pay my bills. That is not to say my parents don't help me now that I am older, but that the boys do get away with more. So I don't think the middle one has anything to worry about, but I would have 4 just in case. LOL But I have always liked round numbers. To show more what I mean with the "odd" one out, my hubby comes from a family with 5 kids, 4 girls and 1 boy (he is second oldest) and he was the one that was treated differently. They expected more from him (and his older sister) and let the youngest 3 girls get away with everything, and they still do. So the oldest and the "odd" one will be the ones that feel left out.

Well, I am married to an only child. The only thing we argue about is his mother, who drives me crazy.
We have three daughters, and the middle one, does not get left out. My oldest daughter thinks she is queen bee and she always will. All kids have different personalities, and you will always love them all equally. I would tell your husband, you have enough love to go around. If you have another, you absolutely will love it just as much as your first two.
Just curious, what city do you live in? We have lived in Saint Cloud for almost 10 years and I have not met too many new friends either. Best of luck to you!

M.

I agree with your husband. I always wanted 3 children. My first was a girl and now we have a son, at that point we decided one of each was fine. I was the middle child and was left out of everything, one because i was a girl, and had 2 brothers so the older one got everything and so did the younger one because he was the baby of the family. I had tons of chores while they played. Okay enough of the poor me sindrom. A big family is nice but a smaller one is easier. Good luck

I agree with Nicole 100% on this one...
"basically my point is 2, 3, 5, 10 kids...one will always have a made up syndrome, one will always be jealous, one will 'always' get something the other wants, one will always get something handed down...."

I am 4 years younger than my brother and my childhood alone with him was hell. I have 3 kids of my own now, each a year apart, girl, boy, girl, and they are all so very close. I don't ever find one being left out. If one sibling doesn't want to play what you want, try the other. Two just seems lonely to me. It was for me as a kid and I think it would be if I only had two now.

Based on my experience and your situation, my vote is go for a 3rd now, while the second is still young.

Hello... I am a middle child. My older brother is only 10 months older than I am, and my younger brother is about 3 years younger than I am. I really don't understand the whole middle child syndrome thing. We all got the same amount of attention and love, and none of us felt like a favorite or neglected. I think it really depends on the parenting and how you treat your children. If you treat them all fairly and devote special attention to each of them, there won't be an issue. I honestly never would have thought about the middle child syndrome unless someone else had mentioned it. I guess there were definitely times that it would be me and older bro against baby bro or both bros against me... but I honestly think that it helped to change things up and keep our playtime interesting.

If your husband doesn't want three I wouldn't push it too much. I am pg w/ our third. My husband was happy w/ our 2 boys, but I wanted to try for a girl so he agreed and luckily it is a girl. I can't complain one iota about this pregnancy because all I hear is "You wanted it." My husband is actually happy about the baby. He has a 14 year old daughter but she lives in Toronto w/ her mother and he hasn't been able (mostly because of the mother) to be involved with raising her, hasn't really been able to see her grow up. This time he gets to be there every step of the way.

As for the middle child thing....I kind of worry about that too especially since our middle one is the second boy. As long as you are cognizant of the middle child thing it shouldn't be a problem. If they are close in age, you may find that your 2nd and 3rd kids are actually closer. I came from a family of 4 kids--3 girls 1 boy. My oldest sister and my brother were only a year apart. My other sister came 4 years later and then I was 3 years after that. My middle sister actually presented more middle child personality traits even though we had 4 and no "real" middle child. Could be she was the "middle sister"--don't know. At any rate, just wanting to avoid the middle child syndrome is no reason not to have another child if you both want one, but you both have to want one.

When there is three, one is always left out, no matter how hard you try, or what you do one will always FEEL left out (see meaning they actually aren't that is just how they feel). I am the third and my two older sisters are closer in age, they shared a room, I had my own. The middle child syndrome is a myth...it depends completely on the family and the individual...my eldest sister has the 'middle child syndrome (if that is what they want to call it)

NOW...my fiance' and his brother have only them, the little brother got all the hand me downs, which he obvioulsy didn't care for very much, but he always felt as if he got the shorter end of the stick...so it can happen in families with only two children.

basically my point is 2, 3, 5, 10 kids...one will always have a made up syndrome, one will always be jealous, one will 'always' get something the other wants, one will always get something handed down....

maybe you should talk with your husband a little more and see if there are other reasons he doesn't want a third...as there are actually more responsibilities that come along with each child...another education, more diapers, day care...maybe it is something like that.

see I have somewhat the same issue, I want a girl and I have two boys, fiance' doesn't really want another child, BUT we both want a girl (well, I really do I think he may appease once in a while)but I only want to be pregnant again if I know it WILL BE A GIRL...and the chances of that are only 50/50 for me...

there is still newness in the fact you just had another child...maybe he needs to warm up.