By way of background, my son is 3 and has a new 6-month-old sister. In the last month or so, he's become increasingly stubborn about everything. One week he refuses pajamas. Then it's pants. Then it's going to bed. Lately he refuses to sit down with us for dinner, and as soon as we're done says he's hungry (so we make him sit by himself, which so far hasn't deterred him from repeating this).
This week, it's refusing to use the bathroom. On Wednesday, he'd had three accidents by 10 a.m. We have been trying the "natural consequences" method of discipline, but even that sort of backfires. He doesn't like to take off wet or poopy undies, but on the other hand he likes helping out by spraying his soiled clothes and putting them in the laundry. We've tried treats, reward charts, etc. Any other ideas on how to start breaking these cycles, or do we just have to endure it?
Thanks for all the great suggestions! We've implemented many of the ideas and have had no accidents in the last few days -- and he also hasn't come up with any new ideas about what to refuse to do! We started by enforcing regular potty times (like first thing when waking up, etc.). We also continued with the reward chart, which he loves. I spent all day Saturday with him as a special mommy/son day. Things have been going much better. I also found two things that I think worked well for him. One, I printed out a page of "emotions" faces off the internet, and whenever he's acting out or whining, we look at the picture and talk about what he's feeling. Also, I read "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and started using some of the ideas. Thanks for your help, and wish us luck!
Part of it may be the independence asserted at 3! Part may be adjusting to his new little sister being around and he gets more attention when he acts up. Can you find some time to have just mommy & son or mommy & daddy time.. Give him some one on one personal attention and praise him when he does things well (i.e. potty in the potty and sit for dinner and listen etc).
How about spending some time with him one on one- with a new sister he may feel that she gets all the attention. Try it and see if it works- You have nothing to loose.
This sounds definitely like he feels displaced and getting negative attention is the way he is going...Do you make 1:1 time for just him? Also, do not give in to these different tactics he is using. When you sit down and eat he eats...If he doesn't then he doesnt. Skipping a meal won't hurt him. He'll get the idea very quickly that his way won't work. At three it is hard to reason with them. Action and the resulting consequence is.
We have a very strong willed young man as well. I wanted to recommend two wonderful books to you. They both were very helpful to me. Parenting the strong-willed child by Rex Forehand & Nicholas Long is a great step-by-step way to help you turn his behaviour around in a positive way. The best part is that it only involves about 5 steps so the process really isn't that difficult. The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki is wonderful in that it explains a lot about a child's temperment and also gives suggestions on how to deal with whatever temperment your child has. I highly recommend both.
He needs consistency.
I'm sure that he's feeling left out. By you helping him clean his dirty undies, you are giving him attention... Which is what he wants.
Take some time every day just for him. I know this is hard to carve time out of your very busy schedule... But, he needs it.
If he is good, tell him... he needs to hear it.
If he is naughty, give him a time out. He does not want to be left in the chair alone, I'm sure.
I found that the more I caught my son being good, the better behaved he was... not that he didn't have bad days, mind you.
Your boy needs consistency, discipline, and love.
LBC
Three's are tough! Four's get easier... :)
Be consistent with whatever approach you take to unwanted behaviors, be extra-patient, and try, try, try to keep your sense of humor... :)
Sometimes in the midst of my then 3 year old little boy's strong-willed meltdowns, if I interjected humor into the situation (when inside I wanted to strangle him - ok, not literally... well, not completely literally), I would find that a good dose of humor would turn him around, and in turn, would turn around my exasperation too. Often we'd both end up laughing, and whatever the difficult situation was, dissipated.
Hang in there, mama... it does get easier if you stay the course!
You are doing great with the natural consequences idea, just continue and thing will get better. I also have boys who love to help "clean up" their messes so I also stoped using that- had to laugh. I agree with the other post that if he doesn't sit with you for dinner then he should be done for the night. It should only take one night of missing dinner for that to change.
I was going through a tough stage with my son when I read a book called, "Taking Charge". It's similar to Love and Logic. Anyway, one of the best pieces of advise was taking about rewarding neutral behavior. I think most of us moms are so geared to praise the "good" behavior and react to the "bad" behavior. This book asked you to notice the neutral behaviors- the times they are just doing their thing- watching a show, playing on their own, etc. and giving them a little something- a look, a smile, a pat or a hug. It really helped me when I became aware of it. Make sure you are giving the consequences without a lot of energy on your part- like it's just part of life. When I removed all the emotion out of my reactions to my son I saw a big change. You are doing great- keep at it and things will mellow out.
Make him a "big boy". Have him help you cook dinner, dust, help change diapers "would you get mommy a diaper?... you are such a big help, such a big boy!" Make sure you give him a lot of attention. Snuggle up to him with books and play games with him, even if the baby is on your lap during it. Ask Grandma to take him to the park or do something fun with him, telling him he gets to go because he is such a big boy. He is feeling misplaced so I wouldn't give a lot of fight in his stubborness. He doesn't want to wear pj's, ok... so sleep in undies or clothes. Taking the fight out of it stops the extra attention that is negitive attention. Doesn't want to eat his dinner with you.. Ok but this is family time so you need to sit here while we eat (with the plate in front of him) and he will eat because he isn't getting the extra fight. If he doesn't want to wear pants.. well undies are ok but we don't get to go outside or anywhere. It won't be long and he will be doing other things to get your attention, just make sure it is positive by giving him a lot of attention when he is being cooperative and less when he is being naughty. My little granddaughter was doing this one day here and I said "I wish you would be more cooperative." She asked what that meant and I said to work together with me. Later she wanted to do something and I told her no and she said "Grandma, i wish you would cooperate with me"...lol
Maybe you could try to give him little "jobs" he can do to help with his new sister. You could let him go get you a diaper for her, or help hold the bottle while you are feeding her, and then praise him for being such a good boy and helping mommy. Make him feel like he is still an important part of the family. Also, I agree with the other moms that 1:1 time is ESSENTIAL. The behavior will turn around when he sees you aren't reacting to it.
