Middle Child Sydrome?

Morning C.,

I don't know about the middle child Syndrome, I have 3 kids, but the first to are twins so it is a little different. I can tell you that my twins, who will be 5 in September, started behaving this way a couple of months of ago. I made a naughty step where I could see them, but where it took them away from the "action". They also, don't like staying there, but I would just sit them there and if they got up, etc then I would tell them that their time was going to start over until they could just sit and wait it out. After about 2 weeks of doing this and not giving in or letting them get away with anything, and I mean if they even started to show signs of the tantrum or behavior coming I would tell them they would have to sit in time-out. They have gotten much better. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask. I posted a question about their behavior after they started it and got some very helpful tips. J.

HI C.!

Oh, I feel for you. I have just listed the same same thing with our 4 year old's behavior problems. Within a couple of months, her personality has done a 180 degree turn. If someone writes back to me, I will let you know!

F.

Hey C.,
It could be middle child issues, but I think more than that is her age and wanting attention. We have had some issues with my son that sounds similar to yours, not listening, acting violent and angry. First we quit spanking him, it wasn't working, then we removed everything from his bedroom which he now is slowly earning back with positive behavior or good days. Then we make sure we sit down and give him one on one positive attention, reading a book, playing a board game, making dinner together. There are so many things that you have to make time for and positive attention is one of them.
I would set aside 30 minutes at least each night or every other night that is just your time with your daughter, even if she stays up past bedtime a little so that she knows that she is important and has your undivided attention.
Hope this helps at least know you are not alone.
Good luck,
Michelle

Be careful of just labeling something "Middle Child Syndrome." It looks like you've identified where some of the problems may be coming from. Her older brother gets to do alot more things, her younger is "your last baby" who gets a little more attention with doctors visits etc. It may be that she just feels left out. I would try having a time set aside that is just "her time" where you two or just her and her father do something together where your attention is solely on her. She may be acting out of frustration, boredom or lack of attention. Find out who she is and what makes her special...for example, she's your only girl. Maybe you can play on that so she feels special in some way. Giving positive attention at appropriate times can do alot to build her self esteem and possibly alleviate her need to act out for negative attention.

C.~

I have a 6 y/o w/"2nd child syndrome"....that's what I like to call it anyways-he has ALWAYS been my very,very strong willed child and my most challenging out of my boquet of 5. The experience that I have had w/ him and his "making momma go crazy times" is not always a bad thing, like I once thought to be. I have learned that each of my children are very different and unique in how they are as an individual lil person, and I can't address them all in the same manner....For instance, you can't correct an emotional,,,,feelings are always getting hurt,,,sensitive child the same way you would correct a strong-willed,,,bull-headed,,,stubborn child....which is exactly what my 1st and 2nd are. I personally have found that the more I tell my 2nd NOT to do something, he does it out of spite.... but when I take the time to sit him down and have a one-on-one talk w/ him and let him know that he IS very special and important and that we love him very much no matter what, but when he disobeys what mommy or daddy has said it hurt our feelings and makes us sad when he doesn't listen AND when we have to correct him w/ a spanking. I tell him that he is in control of his choices and he can either choose good choices or bad choices, and w/ the good choices there will be good consequences but w/ the bad choices there will be bad consequences(spankings and priveleges taken away), but I make it very clear to him that he is the only one that is in charge of his actions and choices. We usually sit for about maybe 5-10 min.(or until his will is broken) and he always has a great big hug and a sorry at the end of our talks after he realizes that he hurt "mommy's" feelings w/ how he was acting, cuz he never knew that mommy's and daddy's had feeling too....LOL...all he knew at the time was that he was in trouble and mommy/daddy was the reason he was in trouble, and that mommy/daddy was the bad guy. When I am consistant w/ our "talks", I find that he is more helpful, wanting to please me and do things around the house that a normal 6 y/o wouldn't be wanting to do, he even makes bottles for his 10mo. lil sis almost every morning...and thes are only just a few of the things that he does now.

So, having a strong-willed child is very trying at times,yes, but if you work to be consistant w/ how you correct her(spankings + a one-on-one talk), she will start wanting to please you more, and you will start to see a change in her behavior. And having special times set aside,as someone else had mentioned, would be awesome for her,and for you, if she has been feeling a lil left out.

I also wanted to say that I know a bit on how you may feeln, w/ dealing w/ things on your own...my hubby works nights-sleeps all day....you hang in there lean on me if ya need to,and don't worry bout your lil ones behavior, you seem like a great momma who has been trying to find a solution to a problem, rather than just giving up, like alot of moms would w/ a behavioral problem:)
***HUGS***
~A.~

I'm in the process now of studying child psychology. I am a long ways from having any educated opinions since I just started. I hope to be able to answer questions like these one day with more than just mothers intuition.

However, in the meantime I can only relate your situation to my own 3 daughters. We have 4 now but the oldest 3 came a long a long time before the baby of the family. The 3 of them were close in ages and the middle girl was equally close to each. She was always the peace maker of the bunch. She was very responsible and sweet and hardly ever had any kind of physical altercation with either of her sisters. In the daycare I run she was my little helper and everyone loved her.

I honestly can't imagine anything that she would have felt in a negative way by being the middle child. Then again we had all girls and kept most things very equal for most of their childhood. They did a lot of the same homework in our homeschooling even though we adapted things to their own levels in math and science. They started public school at the same time and participated in the same extra curricular activities. So maybe we aren't a good case study??? I have no idea.

Suzi

Sounds a lot like how my middle son behaved, we've done a lot to curb his behavior, but once in a while, the "ugly Michael" comes through. Negative attn is better than no attention at all. They don't really understand that's what they're doing, but if it seems to be working, they'll keep doing it.

First, don't play favorites (even if you aren't trying to play favorites, the extra attention your other children may be getting, is probably seen as "playing favorites" to your middle child. Even when modifying how you interract with your children, you still need to remain firm....and if spankings don't work...try 10 min. in the corner. Believe me, it's a worse punishment than a spanking if they are an active child!

Second, take time to spend one-on-one time with each child, even if it's just reading a story, or playing kick-ball in the yard. Something I've learned is to take one child a night, into the kitchen, and spend time cooking with them. I let them have the simpler part of the meal to make, and I give instructions, praise, and start a conversation.

Third, if your older child is able to do lots of things, then your younger child should get to do equally as many, even if they aren't the same. If your older child is taking a day trip with a church group, let your middle child go to a friends' house, or have a friend over, or go to grandma's, etc.

Find someone you are comfortable with leaving your youngest with, so you can spend one on one time with your middle child, like going to the grocery store together, alone, or taking her to DQ for a treat. These kinds of things don't cost a lot, but definitely add to her emotional well-being.

I hope my advice helps. I am a mom to three, and my middle child made our life hell for about 5 years, until we got help to learn how to stop it. If you need to talk, feel free to e-mail. I have plenty of other suggestions, but didn't want to take up all of your time.

S.

p.s. Something else I learned. Start small with taking things away. I found that there were many times my middle child would sabbatoge fun family outings, like to the fair, or park, or a baseball game. I've learned to try to not threaten taking away those types of things, because 9 out of 10 times, we'd all lose out! :(

More power to you! I am trying to spend one on one time with each of my children. Different things seem to set their course. We have a 9 mo. old and since she came along I have noticed more wailing and carrying on over the smallest things.
They each need to know that they are special. Really, what would you do without them. If you could, maybe someone else could watch your youngest and you and your daughter could go to the park, or "have tea" at home, Meanwhile talking about how to behave appropriately "like a lady", even. If a sitter is not an option Maybe when little brother is taking a nap you have together time.
It is ok to shut her in her room until she can act appropriately. Just don't go off and forget about her. Praise her for her good times and when she is doing something nice. ( thus giving her good attention instead of negative)
I wish you the best and God bless your husband, and your whole family.
About me: wife of former fire fighter, who now works multiple jobs so that I can be a SAHM to our wonderful blessings 4, 3, and 9 mo.