My Ex on Third Marriage

Wow, what an insensitive jerk. My heart goes out to both of you.

This might be an off-the-wall suggestion but I might take her to see "Courageous." It will give her an idea of how flawed some fathers can be, and that it's not the fault of the kids (yet it still hurts them deeply). It will also show her what kind of man to look for when she's ready to settle down. And if you're very lucky it might help her to appreciate her step-dad and you (the people who actually do the job) more. I wouldn't tell her ANY of those things though. Just let her draw her own conclusions.

It's a very Christian movie . . . just an FYI in case that's not your thing. I cried through alot of it. It made me appreciate my husband more.

I would also let my daughter know that I chose poorly when I picked him, and that his severe limitations have nothing to do with her. But one great thing came out of it - and that's her! He does not define her.

I'm so sorry for both of you. Hang in there.

I understand your frustration and having to watch your daughter get hurt. My ex is the same way except for the part of signing his rights away on his child. My ex is on his 5th marriage! They have all ended for the same reasons, his infedility. Our daughter is now 20 but she too like your daughter, went through a lot. She has lost all respect for her father. They still communicate and all but she has come to realize that he is incapable of loving her in the way she needs him to. She knows who was always there for her and who wasn't. There is nothing you can do or say to him that will make him wake up. I however, did tell my ex years ago when our daughter was 5, that if he doesn't change his ways and start focusing on his daughter, he will end up losing her one day. And unfortunately that has happened in many ways. She has stated I can't tell you how many times, that she has a stepdad who has been more of a father to her than her own dad. All you can do is be there for your daughter, listen to her, support her, do not talk bad about her father to her just let her talk. It's a hard road for her but with your support, guidance, stability and love she'll be fine.

So sorry that your daughter has a bum of a dad.

I would guide her that it is IMPOSSIBLE to change him, or get him to be the dad she wants him to be and that as much as she wants it, it isn't going to happen. If she goes through adolescence trying to work through this (and being unsuccessful - as we all know she will, because he isn't going to change), she will end up with someone just like him as a husband.

Instead - work with her on the fact that other peoples problems are not her fault and that NOTHING she says to her dad will make a difference. He doesn't care or he is so overwhelmed with the failure of that relationship that he's trying to find another one that is perfect - instead of realizing he is (at least part of) the issue.

I wouldn't advise her to tell him how she feels. About anything. He's proven that he doesn't care. So, teach her how to morph her current (dysfunctional) relationship with him into something that is not so damaging for her. Help her grieve for the dad she wishes she would have had and then get over it and move on with her life. Help her find relationships that are positive and healthy toward which she can put her time and attention. Help her to understand that people don't change and it doesn't mean her dad doesn't love her. It means her DAD is incapable of having a healthy relationship.

Help her understand what a healthy relationship is. Model it for her with your relationship with her. help her to understand that her time and energy and valuable and that she has a CHOICE of how to spend that time and energy. If she spends it trying to change him with her emotions - it will be wasted. If she spends it doing things she enjoys with people who love her - it will be remembered.

Have her de-friend him on facebook. She shouldn't have access to his social networking site. She ISN'T his friend. That's not a healthy relationship for her to be in..... teach her to how to let go of someone when they are not who you want them to be. this will help her when her boyfriends are "perfect.... except for xyz, and she stays with them, feeling that if only she got the courage to tell them how she felt it would make a dffierence". Help her to learn that xyz WON'T change no matter how much SHE wants it to.

Teach her how to accept someone (anyone. even her dad) for who they actually ARE and then be strong enough to decide IF THAT IS ENOUGH FOR HER. if it's not, teach her how to let go.

This is crappy stuff. I wish her peace.

-----------------------------------------
ETA: I really like what Angela S said about being honest with her that you made a mistake in picking him. This is a great chance to help her understand how to make choices. The lesson isn't to focus on your mistake in terms of what a jerk her dad is.... it's about the process you use to select your mate and what to look for in the people who we let into our lives - give examples now of people who you have thoughtfully and purposefully chosent to (or not to) let into your lives. This won't knock you off your pedastal, instead it will elevate you in her eyes to someone who is self aware and learning from your mistakes.

I would get your daughter a counselor to talk to about this. I really would.

So sorry. We have a situation like that in our extended family...

In that situation, he shows up for activities and such for the youngest not because he wants to but because the wife demands it. If they weren't living together, he probably wouldn't be as involved in that child's life.

Some people never see past their hand. Never care how their actions effect anyone else. Sometimes its as simple as she's a girl. Men don't know how to relate to girls. They don't want to play dress up and such.

This past summer Chik-Fil-A hosted a 'Father-Daughter Date night'. It was just dad and girl eating dinner at their restaurant. Nothing majorly special. No special outfits required. Hubby WOULD NOT go! My coworker took his daughter and they had a blast!

My feeling is that if she isn't going to come clean to him about her feelings, then she should try to guard them and not make herself so accessible to him. When he calls up finally and says 'hey come hang out', as much as it will hurt, she should NOT always say yes. Tell him she'll call her back, check her plans, etc. Make him wait, or even ... you ready ... make him PLAN something in advance! Although, like in my family situation, that can backfire if the plans are too far in advance.

My daughter, who is now 32, went through the same thing with her dad. He essentially had nothing to do with her during her childhood. The number of times she saw him I could count on one hand. But, when she became an adult and started having her own children, there he was. Trying to soak up some "dad" time and be a "grandpa" to her children. It was so hard watching her go through the hurt and pain time and again caused by her father. There is really nothing you can do other than to be there for her and help her through the hurt. she will come to her own opinions and conclusions about her dad as time goes on. I would, however, encourage her to stay off FB!!!! As you can see, her dad and step mom don't have any clue as to how their actions affect her and I would at least shield my little one from the pain caused by thoughtless FB postings! Once again I say nothing good comes from those social networks. They are a breeding ground for pain, hurt, and just plain being mean!

Don't push your daughter if she doesn't want to talk to him to tell him how she feels. Seriously, don't. It's not her responsibility to maintain their relationship or make connections with her father. If he were interested he would contact her. It seems that kids are only interesting to him when they're small and cute and cuddly and still worship the ground he walks on? Then he loses interest when they start to form their own opinions and get into the tween angst and the really difficult years? Yeah, that's when the real parenting starts. Of course he bailed.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to let her know she's loved. Let her know how special and amazing she is. Be her shoulder to cry on and vent to. Let her know that if she wants to contact him, you'll support her efforts. She sounds amazing, especially if she's grown up enough to care about hurting his feelings by expressing her own. She needs to know that her feelings matter and she's entitled to them. She might feel better if she writes them down in a journal or a letter to get them out there. She also might need to talk to a therapist.