Help! My Toddler Won't Accept Her Soon-to-be Step Father!

Well, not for nothing but your fiance is not a second daddy. He's only your fiance. He's not even her stepfather.

Your daughter's father is 100% correct telling her that she only has one dad. She'll only ever have one dad, and she's very lucky that her biological father wants to be a dad. I would be much more concerned about his feelings than your fiance's feelings, frankly. Your fiance needs to suck it up. Being there "a while" doesn't make him her father or her daddy. It makes him her mother's fiance and nothing more.

Right now, you need to respect your co-parent's wishes that he be the only one your daughter calls Daddy and refers to as a dad. There's nothing wrong with your daughter calling your fiance by his first name or using another term that doesn't have dad or daddy in it. Also, I would NOT let him (fiance) play at being daddy either because really... until you're married he's just the guy you're dating. And if your daughter truly can't accept him, I hope that you don't choose to marry him anyway.

EDIT: Bitter? No, just realistic. Your daughter and her father are the ones that need the support right now. Please understand that. Your fiance is being overly sensitive.

IME, step parents EARN love & respect over time. I hope your fiancé shows her strong, steady, unconditional love.
If so, it will happen.
Don't force it.
Don't get tangled up in semantics!

First, It would be great if her father didn't react to "I have two daddies!" but that's a bit much to ask for. Put yourself in his place, please, and imagine your reaction if she came home to you saying "I have two mommies!". Over time, this situation will work itself out. But, she does have one Dad and one stepdad. What about coming up with another name for her stepfather? (I've been a stepmom for 26 years, from the time the kids were 1 1/2 & 4. I've always been just "S." to them, partly to appease their mother, who has made a lifelong career out of resenting me...)

Second, adults needs to learn not to be hurt by what a 3 year-old says or does and that goes for all the adults involved. The important thing here is to help her adjust to the changes in her life.

She is too young. Your fiance has to EARN her trust and her companionship. You cannot force this, and it is odd for either of you to be hurt by this. Yes, she does only have one dad. This other man may earn that title as she builds a relationship with him, but only time will tell.

I really don't think anyone is acting bitter here, just trying to let you see that this bonding situation will occur naturally over time.

This is totally normal, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful for your fiancé (who no doubt loves your daughter) or challenging for all the adults involved.

From my experience with my son and my SO, I can say it ebbs and flows. DS (6 almost 7) has alternated between telling his dad that SO is his dad now, asking to call SO Daddy or Daddy-his-name, and saying he doesn't like him and wants his dad back (interesting because he really never had his dad in any meaningful way, but that's neither here nor there).

The research says it takes approximately TWICE THE CHILD'S AGE for a blended family to actually blend! So if your DD was 2 when your finance became a regular, live-in part of your family, it would take until 4. If this is newer and he's only recently become an immediate family member, you've probably got three years of this before it finally works itself out.

I know it's hurtful to your fiancé (and to you) but just give DD some time and space to work this all out. She needs permission to feel whatever she feels, even if that's changing every week, day or minute. Also, it doesn't have to have anything to do with her dad or anything he's saying. She's working through a change in her own definition of family. Give her time.

Adults should never be "hurt" by the words of a three year old.
A three year old is practically a baby, emotionally especially.
If you are marrying a good and kind and loving man she will settle in and accept him, as her step dad, eventually.
And yes, of course she only has one dad. Step dads are born over time. Once he marries you, cares for you (and her) and becomes a real, solid part of her life THEN he will truly become step dad.
But that could take years, so be prepared.
Kids/babies don't fall in and out of love like adults do, and they don't process attachments and emotions like adults do. I hope your fiance understands this as well, otherwise it's going to be a rougher than normal start to a marriage.

Per your SWH: I wouldn't say bitter, but we've seen a lot of questions where the mom was annoyed because their child wouldn't quickly accept a boyfriend, live-in honey, etc., and was totally missing the child's point of view. You're not in that situation, but the protective leap of many responders goes there first.

Is there any legal or mediation way to deal with this? Any way to get past the anger to show him he's hurting his daughter by being defensive? I'm with you in being at a loss, because these types of selfish a-holes always act the martyr when they're the ones hurting themselves and others all the time. GRR.

ORIGINAL: As the child of multiple divorces, please understand that she DOES only have one dad. Her DAD is her DAD. Her step dad is your fiance and he is and will be an important man in your lives, but he is NOT her dad, though he will be her PARENT. That parental relationship will grow in time and you and he need to be patient and not get mad at her for stating the truth.

She is not trying to be hurtful, so don't take it that way. She probably feels that she is doing something wrong by liking him because she got corrected from calling him dad.She is too young to separate "step" from dad, and it's not right to expect her to. Somehow you and your fiance need to find a new name for your fiance that she can call him and that she likes so she doesn't feel like she is betraying her bio-dad - who is still in her life.

The adults need to be adult about it as much as possible. All of the adults need to buy into the co-parent situation as much as possible.

I wonder if "co-dad" would work?

Good luck.

I think you've gotten some good advice. I just wanted to add in something that I wish I knew when I was going from single mom to married mom (and step-mom). There is a rule of thumb that it takes as long for a family to "blend" as the child's age at the time of blending. So if you were to get married now, it would take at least another three years before your daughter and your husband would feel like family (the dating years generally don't count in this formula). It takes a LOOOOONNNNNGGGGG time for step-parents and children to settle into their roles and establish lasting relationships. I'm just throwing that out there so that you and your fiance have a realistic picture of what you're in for.

Yes she should continue to say that she has one dad, because that's the truth now and always. Her reaction is normal, and adults should not be so insecure as to feel "hurt" by the actions of a three-year-old who is in the midst of a family transition. Shame on her biological father for saying what he says, but you can't really control him. Just continue to emphasize that she's right, she has only one dad but that your fiance loves you and her very much. Hopefully you have a wedding date set that she can get excited about and this isn't one of those perpetual we're-really-not-engaged-but-fiance-sounds-more-legitimate arrangements because the sooner you get out of limbo and into marriage, the more concrete your relationship will be to her. The wedding isn't a magic cure, but the process of having a ceremony that she can participate in and celebrating the official start of your new family will make the situation more real to her.

I suggest that you teach her that she has only one Dad and give your fiance a different name unrelated to fatherhood. You and he are grownups and can handle not expecting her to call him Dad.

My grandson's Dad had it put in the divorce decree that his son is to not call anyone else any name related to being a father. My grandson is now 9. His parents were divorced when he was less than 2. He's always called his step-dad by his first name, since he was 2.5. He's still very close to his step-dad who does treat him as a son. The name means nothing as far as his relationship with his step-dad is concerned and it's important for his birth dad.

You don't expect your 3 yo to understand. She can't. Also because she's 3 she won't think anything of calling her step-dad by a name different than Dad. What is important is the relationship and she can more easily have that without calling him Dad.

I suggest that without the birth father having the opportunity to chide her she'll come around to paying attention to her step-dad.

How long has he been living with you? Could it be that your daughter just isn't used to having him around? Time and his paying paying attention to her will change that. Hopefully both of you are mature enough to not make a fuss with your daughter about her not paying attention to him. Give her space to come to her own way of dealing with this situation. Her birth father is putting pressure on her. She will come around quicker if you don't also put pressure on her.

I would encourage the idea that she has only one dad, and she has a step-dad who also loves her very much. I would also encourage the idea that we can have many people in our lives who love us and whom we love and that it doesn't mean that we love anyone any less. That's an important lesson for all kids.

The thing is that if her dad is jealous, it is going to bite you and your fiance in the butt the most. If your daughter is feeling like she has to choose between her daddy and another guy who is trying to replace her daddy, she is going to choose her dad and resist the enemy trying to replace him. So, make it as easy as possible for her to love her dad with all her heart. Your fiance can consistently meet her needs and provide love to her, and she'll come around to trusting him. Acknowledge to her that he isn't her dad, but that he is someone who loves her and cares for her. That way she doesn't have to see it as him trying to replace her dad, which sounds like a fear that her dad has as well.

At three, she's too young to really understand, especially all the adult emotions, hurts, jealousies and fears that go with this situation. Your fiance is going to have to develop a much thicker skin if he's finding a three year old's actions to be that hurtful. His job is to make it easier for her, not harder, which means that whatever hurt he is feeling needs to be set aside right now.

When I was adopting a toddler, one of the most helpful pieces of advice was to make a plan of things that I would do for myself to take care of my emotional needs because it would be a long time before my child could/would show any form of gratitude or be able to validate my emotional needs. Even though I was providing a whole wonderful new life for her, she would be sad, full of grief, angry, and hard to deal with for an indefinite period, and I needed to plan for another source of validation of parenting and a plan on where to get emotional support. I think that the same situation applies for your fiance...your daughter isn't going to appreciate him just hecause he's been in her life, especially when his being in her life is creating some stress and anxiety with her daddy. In her world, your fiance is bringing in some baggage that is causing her to be sad, angry and to grieve not having her dad all the time. She's not going to say "thank you" for a very long time; don't add the lack of gratitude to her burden. If your fiance can love her unconditionally and help lighten her burden, it will come in time.

i wonder why she won't acknowledge him? that seems weird to me...three year olds are usually pretty friendly and innocent. does she do this to other people?

is it possible her dad has said something to her to set her off your fiance??

there shouldn't be this confusion of "two dads" or anything. "no honey, you only have one daddy, joe isn't your daddy. he lives with us and we love him, but he's not a daddy." it shouldn't be a huge drama imo. somewhere wires are getting crossed.

if he's been there since she was born i guess i could get the confusion, but then the bad attitude makes even less sense. something tells me there's something else going on.

I started dating my current husband when my son was 3.5 years old. He knew and loved his dad very much but he didn't see him very often nor spend quality time with him when he did have him....until I started seeing my now hubby and our son really liked him. Then, for a short time, he saw him multiple times a week for a few weeks (took him multiple times to go fishing and still hasn't taken him...my son is now 21). My son was talk about my hubby and his dad would say "I'm sick of hearing about Jason"....now mind you we were split before my son was a year old, got back together but split a short time later. By this point in time, we had not been together for 2 years so it was purely him seeing that his son really liked someone else that was actually spending time with him. When I was seeing someone that wasn't really more a date, he could care less but when it was clear I was in a good relationship, it was another story.

When my son would slip and refer to Jason as his dad his dad would say "he's not your dad". Then, he would come home and be hateful towards Jason and if we tried to correct him we would hear "you're not my dad". We knew where this came from so he wasn't in trouble but we would explain that "you're right, he's not your dad but he is hear every day and takes care of you so you do have to listen to him".

Your soon to be husband needs to understand this is not easy on him but even harder on your child who feels torn between her two dads especially since her dad clearly has issues with it. You both need to be understanding of this. Tell your daughter that it's great that she has your fiance as another father figure and that while he's not her "dad" he loves her like she was/is his daughter too. She's not too young to be told that ignoring people who love you hurts their feelings.

sit her down just you and her,youll be suprised how much a 3yr old understands ask her
if he wants to continue his vists cause its affecting her and yall as a family unit and maybe during the week your fiance should take her for icecream just him and her and let er spend some one on one new daddy time with him so she can understand and be comfortable like she is with her father and explain fiance will never replace her daddy how she feels bout your fiance, then ask er how she feel bout her dad and tell her its okay to love both of them and explain the diffrence in the love she feels for both and you should really have a calm conversation with er dad and tell em hes confusing her,and his behavior is unaccep

Yes, let her keep saying she has one dad. She does.
She needs time to establish comfort and routines with your fiance. Let them have plenty of time. This is a huge change for her. Let her have a chance to get curious about him; if he's down on the floor, doing something she might be interested in, that's a great place to start. She needs to experience what he's like when they play together. Kids do often tend to ignore their non-primary adults, and I think that it's okay that she's not warming up to him immediately.

Remember, too, that you are right-- she is too little to understand "stepfather"; let her call him by his name. For now, make sure you are the one doing the disciplining. I wouldn't correct her about having only one dad-- just ignore *that*. Your husband-to-be is going to have to be very adult about this and remember that these relationships take a lot of time.

I don't know how long your fiance has lived with you, but remember-- if it's only been a short while, she may remember when she didn't have to compete with him for your attention, too. The best way for your fiance to show her that he's going to be a great guy to call 'stepfather' is to do the work now, even without her understanding all of it. :) (I have a bio-dad and a 'growing up' dad, my mom's second husband-- he made an effort to get to know me, and I so appreciated that!)

My dd often snuffs my husband (her biological father - who adores her), she snuffs me too at times. The difference is, I laugh because I feel really confident in my relationship with her and it's funny to me (I get a lot of quality time with her) . I didn't always feel that way because I'm a working mom, we had a nanny and I was sure she would love the nanny more than me (hormones for new mom's are a killer). My husband travels a lot so he's not as connected and she will ignore him or only want me, etc. It hurts his feelings and makes him feel bad.

So here's the deal - little onesare not emotionally capable of doing the "right" thing. That's up to you and your fiance'. You guys have to work out how to help him understand some days/moments she'll be all lovey dovey and others she'll be calling him by his first name. There will come a day when she will use the "your not my daddy card" and it will really hurt. Being a parent is a firestorm of emotions and how we respond to our little ones is HUGE on how they emotionally develop so that they CAN do the right thing when they reach that level of development in their lives. Let your honey know that she loves him deeply whatever she calls him, that she'd be just as fickle if he was her biological father and figure out ways that he can make himself be ok with her moodyness (that's all children - not unique to her). , especially when she comes back from being with the ex. Don't let this turn into another war with your ex and she gets in the middle as an innocent pawn. I imagine it must be very difficult for her to try to make sense of the situation - love my step dad, love my dad - who am i betraying, etc. but she's too young to be able to say it or understand it - nevermind the ex is adding fuel to that confusing fire. She's acting normal given the situation - help her and your fiance navigate these tricky waters!

I can understand how both sides of you feel in this situation. I should say all three to include your soon to be husband. I think you soon to be husband has to just try not to take this personal right now, and continue to be patient with the situation. I am sure your ex is feeling threatened, however he needs to put his big boy pants on and realize how he is putting his child in a difficult situation, and in the middle. And for you I get how frustrated you must feel because you cannot be responsible for the things her father tells her, and you can't control that. I think you should just try to explain to her that her daddy will always be her daddy, just like you are her only mommy, and that your boyfriend also loves her, and you, and that he will be a part of your family at your house. Step daddy is hard to understand, you can use the term, but as you said she may not get it. If you had a good relationship with your ex, I would suggest reassuring him that you would never encourage anyone to take his place, but you would appreciate if he didn't say anything negative, or anything to confuse your daughter right now. As I said you can't be responsible for what he says, unfortunately when we are feeling threatened some people forget who is the most important people are, and they forget to put them first, and that when the children become affected. I remarried when my son was three, my ex was never consistent in my sons life so I didn't have the same issues, however NOT having his bio dad (as much as he loves his step dad, and calls him dad) there was extremely hurtful to him and I know my son always felt he wasn't good enough in his dads eyes. So dad being in her life is VERY important. Divorce sucks, there are no easy answers, just doing what is best for our children and helping them through it, and communicate is the best answer I have. My current husband is an extremely patient and loving man and my son loves him as his own dad (he's 27 now) but he hasn't seen his dad since he was 12 and he has hurt him in his life, and in his relationships as far as trusting people. Your boyfriend as I said will just have to be patient, and understand this is part of the deal when you become involved with a woman with a child. Justify his feelings and reassure him that in time it will get better. I don't think you should push the situation with your daughter, she may resist him more. Best of luck to you, I know how frustrating it is when you are sharing you child, and have no control over what the other person is doing or saying to your them. Good luck on your new life!! One more idea, is I am sure they have books you can read to her, there are books on every subject, that may help.

I think right now this is more about dealing with your fiance's reaction and emotions and reiterating to her that you are now a family, but her Daddy will always be her Daddy. It's difficult that she has a Dad that is going to try to turn her against her soon-to-be step-father, but we don't have control over what other people do, we only have control over how we react.

To that end, if she is being distant from your fiance (which kids even do with their biological parents), he should react as follows, "it's okay sweetie, you don't have to want like me right now, but I'll always love you. whenever you're ready to be with/talk to/etc. me, I'm always here". At her age, actions will speak louder than words. If your fiance's feelings are hurt, he needs to be reminded that he's the grown up and has a better understanding of how to deal with his feelings. The 3 year old doesn't. He can show her and tell her. It's okay, if she does something really hurtful for him to say to her, 'that can hurt my feelings, but I still love you and am ready to play whenever you are'. something to that extent.

It's hard, but it works. The few times my husband has had to go out of town, our son gave him the cold shoulder upon his return. You have more complex stuff going on in your home what with her Dad and you being divorced and you starting a whole new life and a new family. These are very complex, adult situations for a 3 year old to try to comprehend and she's just trying to figure out how she fits into this new world. The best you can do is make it as loving and normal as possible and acknowledge her feelings as often as possible and keep an open line of communication within your own new family.

Best of luck
S.

Kids relate things to things they know. So for her, a man that cares for her is a daddy. She knows who her Daddy is. She isn't displacing him, just adding another. Look for a book in the library about stepfamilies. She's really little and it's just confusing. I would emphasize to her that there are all sorts of people in families and she can love them all. She has a daddy and a stepdaddy.

Encourage your fiance to still talk to her and play with her. There was a point where my DD didn't want to be around her own father (she preferred me) and it hurt DH's feelings, but he tried not to show it. Kids can have weird phases.

If he's really angry and bitter about it, then keep an eye out for PAS (parental alienation syndrome) or anything like that. My DH's ex really messed with their kids' heads even though she was not the custodial parent. It hurt the kids more than anything and did nothing to improve relationships all the way around. Hang in there and be the stable household. With an angry parent, she'll need a secure home.

And if down the road it makes her depressed or angry or whatever, ask the pediatrician about a child counselor. I wish DH had gotten counseling for the sks when their mother was at her worst.

Not to sound harsh (I am remarried with 3 from previous marriage and 1 with my current hubby)...but your fiance is that adult here. Hurt feelings? He needs to understand he is the winner here. He won your heart and your ex is ( as you stated) not comfy with you moving on. Your daughter does only have one dad. He is gifted her as his daughter and she has him as her daddy. Her step father is a very important part of her life I am certain and will become more and more important as time goes on.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 5. My children still call him by name, yet my children love him immensely. What they call him is not a display of their love for him.

Just take it slow. She is little....very little. Yes, talk to her father about the fact that he is her daddy and will always be that. Reassure him of this so that he does not feel compelled to correct her. It will be nice if one day he can say that she is so lucky because the more people in the family is more love for her :) It might come, it might not. Until then, you and fiance just need to reassure her when she does feel distanced after her visits that she is loved and has all the time in the world to get comfy when transitioning...that she is loved and it is hard to go from one house to the next. (she leaves her heart somewhere everytime she does...just a fact)

I sincerely hope that I am not taken as speaking harshly I just know that 3 is very young and she is the baby here and the adults should be the understanding ones...she should not be required to be at all. You and your fiance have the ability to comfort even though you can't control her father and his actions in his home so just do what you can to explain and reassure and see about talking to dad about maybe just strengthening his bond with positive talks.

Best of luck to you in your future marriage/family.