My Brother Says I Am Not Spiritual Enough for Him

C.,

What a sad situation. My heart broke for you when I read your post. As hard as it is, it is not our place to judge another's "spirituality". It's not your brother's place to judge your walk with the Lord and it's not your place to judge his. God is the only one with the authority to make this judgement.

Our pastor gave a sermon the other night that I wish you could have heard. He was talking about how God might call one person to one standard of living (guiding them to not listen to contemporary music, for example) but might allow someone else to live in greater freedom in the kind of music they listen to. We are not to place or try and force the standard He has set for us on anyone else. (If you'd like some scripture references, email me and I'd be happy to send some to you).

Remember that we, as Christians, are under God's grace. Under grace, the legalism of the Christian faith is removed. Jesus came to fulfill the law for us because we do not have the ability to do it on our own. We NEED His grace.

I can't tell you how to deal with your brother...honestly, I think you're just going to have to pray that God would work and soften his heart. I will be praying for you that you would not let your brother affect your walk with God. God is concerned with our hearts, that we reflect Him. I would encourage you to focus on that right now.

S.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm so sorry this is happening! This is my problem with a lot of religions out there! They are so loving to God that they hate, never understood it! Unfortuantely, I don't believe there is anything you can do and I'm sure your mother knows this. You will never be able to change his mind, no one can. All I would do is keep reaching out to him and his children never expecting anything in return. Send them cards for their birthday to let them all know you love them and miss them. Your mom will do the same and I think that will be about it. Any religion that makes families do this to each other shouldn't even be acknowledged! You aren't going to change your life for him, so you might need to accept that this is the way things are going to be. Just love the rest of your family and hope that years from know something happens to change his mind! This is heartbreaking and I wish you and your family the best! Please don't keep thinking "what can I do?", it isn't up to you. Don't stop going to family functions, if he doesn't want to be there, fine. Make that his lose.

1 mom found this helpful

This is a really tough one. I have a friend who went through something similar a few years ago, and I know how sad it made her.

In your case, I doesn't seem reasonable at all to make these kinds of lifestyle changes just to keep the peace. I would tell him (or write a letter) very directly that you truly believe you lead a respectable life and that you are happy with it. Let him know you are willing to have a relationship even though you have differences and will welcome him back in your life when he is ready. I doubt this will change his tune much, but at least you will have put it out there.

The last thing you can do is allow him to manipulate you using your mother and her feelings. Explain your position to her and be as willing as possible to do what it takes to bring your family together without changing the healthy lifestyle that is working for you.

Finally, don't let it be an ongoing drama that consumes the family. Once your position is out there go on happily knowing you did the right thing! Focus on your music and having fun with it!

I feel for you and definitely don't agree with his approach. True christians don't turn their backs on people for such things. My church embraces everyone, even non-believers in the hopes that they will see the truth and become christians. He's certainly not going to bring many other people to God which is what he should be doing by setting an example. Tell him to read the Bible and take note of how many sinners (which I am certainly not saying wearing jeans and a bathing suit constitutes a sinner) Jesus sought out and saved. His way is not how it works. Good luck.

C.,

Unfortunately I understand this struggle all too well. I have been where your brother is and alienated my family for years. I was listening to others ideas of sin and judgement instead of reading for myself and letting the Holy Spirit speak to me about grace and mercy. I would say there really is nothing you can say to him to change his mind. Just continue to treat him as your brother and show him love. Hopefully he will get it that it was not by his own effort or righteousness that he came to see who God is but by grace and that is how anyone comes to him.

G.

yeah - ask him to show where it says you can't listen to your choice of music and wear jeans in the Bible. when he can't - and he won't be able to point to it - trust me I know people like this.....tell him that you love him and will pray for him. then do just that - love him and pray for him. you can't win with someone like this. you will get every answer in the book - starting with "you don't understand".

all you can do is love him and pray for him. you did nothing wrong when you let your daughter wear a bathing suit and you do nothing wrong when you wear jeans and your choice of music is no basis for judgment. i listen to contemporary music and i listen to contemporary Christian music. the Catholic Church has a radio station that plays Contemporary Christian music.

Been there, and done that! It took me 15+ years to see the light of the delusion I believed was faith and service to God. My family was always there for me -- but until I saw that I was on the wrong side of the coin, they could only stand by and watch. I've been able to bring my family back into my life but it's sad to think of all the years that were lost because I thought I had to put them out of my life. Just pray that he moves from the extreme to a middle ground. Unfortunately, not much you can say will change his mind because he thinks he's 'on the right side'. Reminding him the all familiar phrase 'what would Jesus do' may eventually get through if presented in a non-threatening way. Those involved in legalistic christian circles tend to put Jesus on a pedestal -- forgetting that He came for the loveless, the normal folk, the sinners, the reprobates ....who if you compared them to today's time, listened to the music of the day, wore the clothes of the day, and lived a normal life. Expecting everyone to live the life of a Pharisee (those that judged everyone else who didn't live up to their standards) isn't what Jesus was about. Some religions (i.e. Amish and certain Baptist movements) of course don't allow pants and have strict dress codes -- but I think it's the few. Hope this helps! It's a tough road to walk on either side of the coin.

I would think God would want your brother to have all of his family be apart of his life, not isolated from them.

I am not a Christian, but it seems to me that God would be more offended by your brother banishing his family than by a child wearing a bathing suit. Have you tried reasoning as simple as this?

Your brother sounds like a brainwashed control freak. Anyone who believes disowning family because they wear jeans and bathing suits in appropriate situations isn't "right" with God. My brother was involved in drugs and criminal activity for much of his teenage years and adult life. (I am in NO WAY comparing drugs and criminal behavior with jeans and bathing suits, but bear with me.) I very openly spoke against his behavior and lifestyle to him and our family, but I NEVER wrote him off. For better or for worse, he was my brother. I'm very glad I handled things the way I did because he died in a car accident at the age of 24 in 1999. Ultimately, your brother sounds like he's involved in a cult more than any kind of mainstream Christian organization. In the event that he "tolerates your presence" at family functions, I'd heavily supervise the time he spends with your kids. Whatever religion he is following is dangerous and divisive. He needs help.

Hello C.
I am sorry for what is happening but I think the way he is acting in not been a chirtian, I am catholic and I have friends of many belives and not beacuse of that Im going to stop taking to them. God teach us to love each other not to hate each other. Just keep loving your daughter, your brother and your whole family and you'll see with the time he is going to realize that hes not doing the right think

God only sees the inside of a person not the outside. You can praise the Lord with songs, music and dancing.

It's sad that your brother is being so judgemental and legalistic! You need to remind him that God doesn't command us to JUDGE one another but to LOVE and FORGIVE one another. Try telling him to go back to the scripture that he seems to want to beat you over the head with and get into the New Testiment "GRACE" which is what we live under now. He is stuck in the Old Testiment which is the Old "LAW". But do this in Love and Forgiveness and then try Praying for him.. It's OK to let him know you are praying for him! I will pray for you both.

Hi C.. I am 73 yrs old, raised three daughters, and have three grandchildren in their late teens. I tell you this only because I think I have a little bit of experience with life and raising children. I don't know which religion your brother belongs to and if the rest of your family also practices these sames beliefs but this sounds like the problem is only with the women. If this is so, you live in America!!!!!!! You have the knowledge and the brains and indeed, the right to make these decisions on your own. What does your husband say about your brother's "rules"? Who is he to decide what is "spiritual enough" for anybody? I know you would love to please your mother and the rest of your family but what you do will remain always with your children and that is most important!!!!! Some of the things I have seen in the name of "spiritual" absolutely blow my mind. Jeans will never make you a sinner, music is joyful, just listen to a love song, and even nuns wear a bathing suit to go swimming and some nuns have "dirty habits. C., it's what's inside the clothes that counts and says how spiritual you are. God Bless You. C. G.

What Religion is your Brotjer? It sounds like he believes in God, so I would tell him that God never turned his back on anyone.Does he not want to be like God? Is he acting how god would want him to act? Everyone has their own beliefs and as lond as it is not hurtting you or someone else, and you not breaking any laws then pray for him that he will open his heart. Tell him you will pray for him and that you don't wear horns. And your children have a right to know him and his family.

One thing you have to remember is he is human and he is gonna make mistakes. That is not how God wants us to be or act like he is a loving God. People take things to far sometimes. Jesus always associated with people that were not like him,don't get me wrong there is a line we have to draw by not being like the world with the way we act and the things they do. But we are to love one another without condemning them. He obviously is a part of a very legalistic church (unfortunatley there are those out there) or he is a part of a cult. I am a Christian and in ministry and I do not act like that. The problem here is that once people get a bad taste in there mouth about us christians they think we are all like your brother when we are not.So just continue to love your brother through this and tell him that you don't think Christians should be acting like that.If you like to talk some more or would like more info on what he might be a part of let me know.
J.

C., I am not spiritual enough for my sister either. One thing that helps is to realize that it is your brother who is distancing himself because he has adapted a set of rules outside your family's domain. In my case, my family is Jewish, and my sister became Born Again Christian. She decided that her entire family was doomed to eternity in Hell if she did not convert them. There is a good possibility that your brother feels the same. Unfortunately, it is not very realistic to expect our entire family to convert, and she has made an enemy out of everyone who once cared about her. At first, we decided to try to continue to have her at family events, but she consistently made other members of the family more and more uncomfortable. It got to the point where everyone was asking if she would be there. She even got up in the middle of a synagogue religious service, and asked the Rabbi WHY we don't accept Jesus as our savior. Because she devoted so much time to her church, she could never keep a job. During a difficult financial time, She had abandoned her daughters at a hotel at ages 11 and 15. The girls are now 19 and 23. Sadly, the 19 year old is still trying to win her love, but my sister only visits her 23 year old when she is desperate for money. That does not appear to be a very Christian way to treat a daughter--does it? My sister creates a lot of rules for others, and then does what she wants. She ruined both of her daughters' childhoods, but knows that the Kingdom of Heaven is waiting for her because she has accepted Jesus into her life. It is all talk and NO action.
C., I feel your pain, but your brother has set up his rules. You have three choices: 1) Adopt his rules so you can maintain your relationship or 2) Remain true to yourself, and accept that there is no way that you will do what he wants or 3) Try to use his religion against him. Tell him that he is NOT honoring his mother and father if he seeks to EXCLUDE their daughter from family events.

Good luck! D.

C., I am so sorry your brother feels this way about you. I am sure you don't need to be told that it's not your fault, there's nothing you can do to change his feelings, and that you are in a completely powerless position to change the situation. Unless you are willing to conform to his (in my humble opinion) ridiculous standards of "christianity," you have no option but to deal with life without him. But that doesn't change how hard it is for you to see your mother in so much pain and to feel the pain of the rejection yourself. I certainly hope you don't find yourself apologizing your life away to your family, as it does not appear to me you have any reason to. You do not control your brother's beliefs and actions and, make no mistake, he is wrong. No form of true "christianity" would support what he is doing. You can only control your own reactions, although it is a more difficult task to control your feelings. It is a sad situation that leaves you in an utterly powerless position. It is a sad loss for you all. But you have your husband and your children to remind you that YOUR immediate family is what matters. Show them that turning the other cheek is the proud, healthy thing to do. Do not give in to his misery. Anyone who lives their life in such fear and judgement will never understand true happiness. And do not give up hope that one day your brother will see what a terrible injustice he's doing to you, to himself, and to all of your family. I wish you peace.

Why don't you refer him to the scriptures of the Pharisees; those that thought they were "it". Christ was not happy with their behavior, nor their treatment of others. Christ died for all. He also left a neat little set of rules called the 10 commandments. I don't remember seeing, thou shalt not wear jeans listed. I am sorry your brother is treating your poorly, that is not what Christianity is about. While on earth, he choose to associate with those that needed him most, the prostitutes and tax collectors and those that saught salvation. You might want to remind your brother that his behavior towards those that are less than perfect (according to his standards) that 1) all have sinned and falled short of the glory of god (Romans) and 2) that any behavior that causes another to stumble should be removed from our lives. Those alienated might never receive God's grace because they were cast aside. Just a thought.

Wow....sounds alot like my sister-in-law....she and my brother have been together 30 years and are splitting up. My brother has not varried in his lifestyle from day one, has always provided a comfortable life for his family, yet now he is a heathen. They have two grown children and one under 10 at home. By chance does your brother belong to a 'church' located somewhere on or close to Van Dyke road? Just curious...Your brother is wrong and it is his loss that he has chosen to cut his family from his life. He is not acting in a true 'Christian' manner. Jesus walked with thieves, prostitutes and all sorts of low life and he did not cut them from his walk in life. He talked about his Father and hoped they listened. What your brother is doing is pretty much equal to emmotional blackmail...do as I say and do, or I'm dead to you...that is not Christian. A true Christian accepts other peoples 'shortcommings' and will preach his beliefs. If someone chooses not to follow that's o.k. You don't shut that person out, especially family which should be cherished, you continue to minister to them so that you have a chance at having them listen. So many people on this earth are considered heathens yet by their actions, words and daily living are more Christian than some Bible thumpers I know. I haven't been in a church for a Sunday service in so many years that I have lost count, but by my daily actions and my beliefs in "My personal God" I feel that I am going to go to heaven. God forgives if we confess our sins or so the Bible says, not because somebody here on earth browbeats me with his religion. I may be the one who cleans up all the dog cr--p in heaven because of the degrees of some of my sins but hey, at least I'll be there. My suggestion to you is that if you're a praying person say a prayer for your brother that he sees the truth and to help him come back to the family, then continue with your life as you see fit. God did give us 10 rules to live by and promises us as long as we stick to those rules things will be o.k. If your brother chooses to continue on this path, you will just have to mourn your loss as if he is no longer walking this planet. Just mho...

C., I am one of those Christians that do not cut my hair, don't wear pants, don't listen to worldly music in my car or home. I don't watch t.v. but do rent dvd's, documentaries, spiritual and family only. This is my walk with God. I have family that don't do these things but I don't condemn them for not living the way I do. I love my family and the only way to show them that I love God and God loves them is to pray that they get a closer walk with God. I know that just because I dress differently and live very differently from the world doesn't mean I will go to heaven if I don't treat and love other people. I must have a godly attitude towards my brothers, sisters, mother and friends. My own kids do not live the way I do. My daughter is just now starting her walk with God. I told her that was great!, I also said to her "do not make it about standards", make it about loving God and let him do in her life what is right for her. I have never ignored or put any of my family out of life just because they do not believe what I believe. We can dress this way and be different but if our attitude stinks and we judge then all that we do is in vain. I dress this way so that people know that I am a child of the King. Not so that I can look my nose down at the world! I am sorry that your brother is treating you this way. It isn't right by God and I can say this because I do believe in what he believes in as far as standards of holiness and keeping out as much worldly stuff in my home as I can but when I go to a restaurant and they have music on, if its a song I like I will sing it. I might play around and do little dance to the music just to have a little fun. I have friends that are not in the church that I go to, some are catholic, some are baptist, some are Church of Christ and some don't go to church at all. I just don't participate in everything they do. They know my boundaries when we hang out and I know their boundaries and we respect each other. I will pray for your brother and his pastor that God will give them a heart to win souls and if we are judging people instead of loving people, we would never bring any one to the knowledge and love of Jesus! I pray for my family, friends and mamasource moms not because I condemn any of them but because I feel for them and I want them to know who God is and his love for all of us. My life is not perfect even though I love God with all my heart and soul. We are all human and we all have the same Judge and that is the Lord, God Almighty alone.
Very sincerely,
L.

This is a terrible position to be in. I am sorry you and your family are having to deal with your brother's irrational and moralistic demands. You have no doubt at times questioned your lifestyle, as a result. Please try not to do this. Also, you probably know how futile it can be to talk to someone who is this judgemental and absolutist in his thinking. Unfortunately, these types of people are nearly impossible to get through to. And ironically, he is the one who needs to "get it right" with God - not you!
If your brother chooses to avoid family gatherings, then so be it. It is his loss, his mistake...his sin.

...Though I can't imagine that you are the only one he is avoiding. It seems there must be others in your family that don't meet his standards. Perhaps you can stand in solidarity with them.

Best wishes to you and your family.

K.

I know this is hard, but this is his problem and not yours. You can't let it bother you too much. This is a selfish decision that he has made. Hugs to you. And your mom.

Hello C.,

I could not help but respond to your story. First and foremost God bless you and your family. I grew up in a household with strict parents and we are born catholic. I used to have the mentality of shying people away who were not church goers and live their lives without God. It finally dawned on me that as long as I am saved again and a good christian then that is all that matters is my relationship with God, my children are not strong in where religions are concerned, probably because of my constant nagging while they were growing up...bottom line is everyone will find their way to God...whether it is here on Earth or the next life after...

It is very sad to have a family split because of religion or how you decide to live your life...going to church and doing rosaries does not make you a better catholic or christian for that matter..how you live your life and treat people counts more than kneeling down at church. Your brother has taken almost a "cult" attitude about banishing you from his life. God is not sleeping, daily prayers or just talking to God is beneficial to your mental state of mind...and if your brother insist to be the way he is, so be it, I know it hurts and the family is divided, but you can continue to still love him and pray for him, Everybody is God's children. I will light a candle for you in prayers and hope for the best, for now you are hurting, but trust in prayers and continue to live your life as you always have...Now I will not condone DRUGS, especially if you don't have medical issues, but again your life is your life and your brother's life is his, if in your heart there is still love and fondness for him, then let it stay that way, don't let anger or hate become one of your emotions...easier said then done, but again you are in place where you need to be and your brother likewise. God is the navigator of this ship. Let him continue to bless you and give you spiritual guidance. May the Lord continue to affect your life and help you in your struggles.

JBC

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is people like this who turn other people off to God. His actions really bother me.

We were in somewhat of a legalistic church for awhile. I had to get away from the church because I found out I was worrying more about what the Pastor thought than I did God. Once I got away from that church I found I could FINALLY focus on God.

If you think you can sit down and talk to him about all of this, I would. Ask him to show you in the Bible where he is supposed to cut off his relationship with you. If he really wants to witness to others, he has to be around them. God cannot use us to reach the unsaved if we won't have anything to do with them (not saying you're unsaved, just talking in general). So how is he going to be used by God if he cuts off everybody like that? Jesus didn't do that and we're supposed to strive to be like Jesus.

Also, where in the BIble does it say that women can't wear jeans and bathing suits? The Bible speaks of modesty. My husband is a Pastor and I sometimes wear jeans to church on Wednesday nights. I am very modest.

He must be in a church that's teaching these things. There are some who believe if you sound and look christian, then you must be a christian. These people spend more time worrying about things that do not matter to God. It's what's in your heart. If you're heart is right with God, things like modesty will naturally follow. And you'll also have a heart for reaching others, not cutting them off.

If he won't meet with you, maybe you can get another Christian to talk to him about this. Also pray for him. Pray that he sees things the way God wants him too.

I think it is your brother who needs to
"get right with God". He has a very unrealistic point of view on the nature of God.I really don't think God cares what people wear or what kind of music they listen to. It is what is on the inside of a person that matters.
Of course, you can not change the way your brother sees things, but perhaps he should be reading scriptures regarding such ideas as "judge not least ye be judged", "he who is without sin throwing the first stone" and those stories of Jesus hanging out with tax collectors and all kinds of unsavory folks.(and what Jesus had to say about that)
The most important thing you need to know is that you have not done anything wrong!!!! It is your brother who is causing unnecessary pain for your family.
There is a huge difference between being righteous and being self righteous. Your brother falls into the second category.
This is a difficult situation. Just don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

C.,
I am sorry your brother is not spiritually enlightened enough to accept you as a person. His behavior is hardly Christian. I doubt Jesus would treat anyone the way he is treating you. Christians should give love to others.

This is his problem and his choice. He is the one missing out. I would treat him with as much kindness as possible and this would prove that you are the true "Cristian".

Take Care. K.