Moms of Teens, Send Me Good Vibes!

Wow. What a HORRIBLE summer he must be having!! Let this poor kid unwind and decompress and just be a kid. This is a recipe for one unhappy child.

I was a by the book type, rule follower kid and responsible, conscientious, focused and all. But this type of set up may have made even me rebel. Sorry but geez. It's vacation. Sounds like too much for a kid. I wouldn't want to live that regulated as an adult.

Follow the rules set. You are the parent. You don't have to go to every fight you're invited to. If he pushes back, he loses half the screen time. If he pushes again, he loses all of it. Stop trying to get him to see things your way. If you permit the argument, it will continue.

If you give in, he will know that incessant arguing wins. This pushback is the teen equivalent of a temper tantrum. Did you give in to him when he was a whining 3 year old? No. (At least, I hope not!) Did you cave when he threatened to run away or hold his breath until he turned blue? No. (At least, I hope not!). Are you planning to allow him to stay home alone, go to the movies with friends, get a learner's permit and a driver's license? What will your limit be when these issues come up?

If you give him the remote/mouse and Cheetos, you'll be doing it because it makes YOUR life easier, not because it's better for HIM. You'll be giving him all the power in the parent-child relationship. Are you sure you want to do that?

If he doesn't do the work, HE can be the one to explain it to the teachers when school starts. You cannot force him to read. You cannot force him to write. You can simply fail to reward him when he doesn't do it. So just tell him, you won't help him fail at life, but he's free to discuss it with teacher and guidance on August 22nd if he chooses, and he can live with the consequences. It's not your job to do his work for him, not in high school!

He needs time to enjoy his summer! Structured meal times, tutoring, chores! Give him a break. How would you like a working vacation?

So the learning aspect of his summer at camp and at home is required is it? For him to do ok academically? I can't relate to that as not in the same situation - but no judgement if that's necessary.

My kids would not like it. Mine are rebelling about having to take one last swim course this week (same age as yours). It's a done deal. They will go. Mind you, it's 1/2 hour for 5 days. But it was non-negotiable.

What's with all the structure though? I thought that was more for kids who have to have things structured to succeed, or get upset if their routines were disrupted? My kids that age look after 2 of their meals each day - and we just do supper time, which they help to prepare. Salads, chopping veggies, preparing burgers, etc.

Mine have more than 1 hour of screen time too. Does that include TV?

Mine have chores - but they are not really daily so much as need to be done basis. So one this age looks after the trash. One does the laundry (I oversee, but all the gathering, folding, bringing in off line, etc.). Recyclables. Compost. Tidying up their rooms and washroom is just part of the day (not a chore). It's just required. Vacuuming, etc.

Chores around here are done as a family. So we tend to say before we head out, everyone take 15 minutes to get your stuff done, and then we're a group in a busy state getting it done. Same with meal prep. It's not such a chore if kids are milling about taking care of table, salads, etc. So is there any way to make his chores more enjoyable? Mine had to vacuum vehicle out yesterday after our camping trip. Two of them did it. But I was next to them tending to garden. It was as fun as cleaning a car could be.

I personally would ease up - only because my teens would be sullen and non-communicative if I restricted them too much and gave them too much to do in the summer. Rules are great - but in general terms. Chore list, setting time limits, etc. might be a bit much. I suppose it depends on your child. Here - it would piss mine off and I'd get less from them. Definitely wouldn't be cooperative. One of mine didn't get dressed until after lunch the other day. One sleeps till 11 am. But that doesn't bug me (might bug some).

Of course everything has been met with push back. The poor kid is probably burned out! Hand him the remote and let him relax for a hot minute! You might need that glass of wine, too!

This is summer?!?! WHAT?!?!

Two of my kids are in the STEM program, and the other one is in accelerated classes. They have insane schedules during the school year because of this and with their sports. The summer is their time to CHILL. We go to the pool a few times a week, a movie maybe, bowling, fun stuff. They are still responsible for their chores, keeping their rooms tidy, and reading...but none of that rules their summer. Give your kid a break. If I did this to my 13 year old I would expect her to hate me.

You only have 4 short years left until your son is an adult. He is already doing 2 hours of tutoring a day so what is with the structured meal times? Let him have fond memories of his summers during his teenage years with you. School is starting in a few weeks any way.

So where is his fun? Where are his friends? Of course he is pushing back! I'm an adult and I would be pushing back. I LOVED Diane D's answer. That is how I taught every summer with my kids.

Look, kids have very little time to be carefree, silly and just kids. You have structured fun out of this daily routine. I don't know his LD obviously but even kids with LD need time off.

You need him to buy in. You did not give him a voice in his summer. You need to give him a voice now.

Sounds like an awful summer to me, poor kid. No fun, no friends, just work, work, work.
I hope YOU are making yourself miserable too, just so he know he's not alone :-(

My kids had required reading every summer and I PUSHED BACK. Summer is the time to let the stress of school fall away and be replaced by the important learning we as parents choose to teach. Oh they did read 2 books and do the book reports for them but it was 2 books of their choosing not the ones on the reading list.

My teaching for the summer was how to play kick the can, how to make the perfect smore, how to swim under water, how to find the perfect hiking stick, watermelon seed spitting, cartwheeling, make the longest hop scotch ever. You know the really important things.

We all live very structured lives for the most part. Work, chores, errands, appointments, etc. Lives run on a schedule. I always looked at summer as the time when we could get off the hamster wheel just a little and be a little more lay back.

I have to say our son has never done any book reports or school work over summer vacation.
He works hard 10 months out of the year from Sept to June.
Summer is for him to enjoy doing a lot of whatever he wants to do.
He does read - it's always been his favorite past-time - and he has more screen time than other times of the year - and sometimes we stay up late way more than usual and sleep in till noon.
I don't think our son would do well under the schedule you have set up for your son.
Has slacking off over summers hurt him academically?
If it has I can't see any evidence of it.
He's maintaining his straight A's, and balances his extra curricular activities with his school work (school comes first).

You know your kid best.
What works for mine doesn't necessarily work for other peoples kids.
I just think constantly grinding away at academics can be a bit much.
Sometimes stepping away from your desk for a good break can give you a better frame of mind for getting the work done when you get back.

He's been gone for a month. Yeah, I'm kinda with osohapi on this one. Let him chill some. It might be good for him to have some time where there are fewer expectations placed on him, before high pressure high school kicks into gear. Ya know?

There is only so much you can pour into them in a set number of hours. And they tend to absorb more when it isn't constant, right? Does the 2 hours of tutoring every day address the 2 books/reports that are due, or is that in addition? If it's in addition, I think that sounds excessive for "summer BREAK".

I haven't gone back to see if your previous posts, so if you have covered the ground already, I apologize. But, just because he has learning disabilities, it doesn't mean he needs to have his entire day mapped out from start to finish, does it?
When I was that age (well, actually several years younger--but, no learning disability, true), I had no set time to get up in the summer. Or to eat lunch. Or anyone making my lunch--I ate what I made, or didn't eat, or just snacked until Mom got home at dinner. I didn't take any summer classes, or do any "summer bridge" work. I did read a handful of books to be prepped for AP Lit (required reading list), and wrote reports. Usually, 3 books, and usually it was all done in the last 4-5 weeks before school started back (all of the reading, and the report writing). We had what seemed like a full 3 months of summer back in those days... not 10 weeks, like today's kids. Most days were pretty unstructured. Ride bikes to a friends' and swim, or ride horses... ride gokarts, climb trees... sun bathe... and yeah.. vacuum and dust the house (not a list for every day, but 2 items each divided amongst us siblings that hd to be done each week).

Maybe it was a different time that will never come again. I hope not. Kids today are so over scheduled it makes me sad for them.

But, back to your question. He's been gone for a month. Maybe you should just hand over the Cheetos and remote/mouse... just touch base to be sure he is on top of his reading/reports. That he sets a schedule for himself and keeps to it. Other than that... I'd let it ride a little, Mom.

I'm going to assume that there is some sound reasoning behind these choices for him? Like this has been run by someone who knows your son well and has a lot of knowledge in academics and adolescent development? So assuming that is the case...please make sure to balance this out. Where is his opportunity to make good choices? Where is his opportunity to exercise his decision-making skills? Where are his opportunities to socialize and build relationships with his peers, indulge his hobbies, etc.? If there is also room for normal, age-appropriate teenage life along with study time and chores, then I guess it sounds fair but make sure he's allowed to have a life.

FWIW my oldest son has ADHD and learning disabilities, another one has ADHD. One of my brothers had pretty severe LDs. A lot of their friends are in the same boat. None of them required parenting during the summer that was different from parenting a child without LDs. I know that many kids struggle to retain material over the summer and do need a bit more structure to finish their summer reading assignments or benefit from a summer-school type of opportunity so I can see the value of having some structured learning time. I do think that 2 hours a day after a month of 4 hours a day is a bit much. Every kid should have chores, so no issues there. That said, I don't really get your desire to control his meals. People should eat when they're hungry and have the self-regulation at age 14 to know when that is. I cook dinner every night and we all eat that together but really, I don't micro-manage what and when my kids eat breakfast and lunch. That seems like an unnecessary level of controlling parental behavior for a 14-year-old. Good luck with this and remember that this is his summer, he should have some down time, and you might need to be a bit more flexible with him. Make sure you let him relax some and make his own decisions in some areas.

For better and for worse, we reap what we sow. Will these rules bring great grades and a wonderful career? Will these rules bring future resentment? Ten years from now, when that grown man can freely choose to be "too busy" to visit you...what will he do? None of us are living in your home by your side, so my advice is just to look into your head and your heart and think very carefully about the boundaries you set AND your conversations with him about them. In my opinion (others may disagree), 14 is old enough for you to engage in conversation other than "because I said so", if at all possible. (Good way for you to help develop his mature skills of critical thinking, verbalizing complex thoughts, etc.)

The one direct comment I will make is, in your SWH you write: "Chores: In 4 years he's off to college." I've never met a college boy who I'd mistake for Suzy Homemaker!! Don't hold your breath!! (And I do mean that in a nice way, with a smile and a shrug!)
(*When that changes = when he wants to invite a special person over for kisses and cuddles. The romantic glow of candelight illuminating a pile of dirty socks...has a way of teaching boys about cleaning....)

While it's important to focus on academics and physical health I don't understand why you aren't focusing on his social and emotional health as well, as it seems that's where he's really lacking. My girls didn't have any friends in the neighborhood either but they certainly had friends, and we made sure to see them over the summer. Kids who don't know how to form friendships and other healthy relationships grow into the most unhappy and dysfunctional members of society. Anyone can "do" school but to get along with others, form bonds, collaborate in a work environment, negotiate, show empathy/compassion, treat peers and coworkers with respect, these are hings lacking in this generation because of hyperfocused helicopter parents who see the child as a potential high achieving success story not a fully functioning human being. Employers complain about this all the time and it's why they hesitate to hire new college graduates, because they lack the "soft skills" needed to function in the real world. No one wants to hire a little a hole who can't take criticism or get along with his colleagues.
Also did you know sleep and downtime are important too? And time spent outside and laughing and making happy memories with family? I don't see any of this in your plan, honestly you sound more like a warden than a parent. Where is the balance between work and fun? If you are trying to drive your son away from you well then you're off to a good start. Very sad.

ETA after your SWH: BP, I appreciate that you've tried to explain everything to the moms here about your son, but you really don't have to. Please remember that most of those who answered don't have kids with LD's. Their kids can afford to have easier summers.

Honestly, it's okay to vent here and wistfully wish that you could go off and drink wine til college, but you know what you need to do. The moms who chide you for making him work won't have to deal with the sadness of their kids not getting into college. So just ignore that since their kids don't have your son's issues. Hugs~

Original:
Keep your resolve, mama! His push back is a test. Don't fail the test!

If because he has learning disabilities it is critical that he do this, then just let the tutor deal with him when he/she arrives.

If it's not critical that he keep this up, then maybe you should just hand him the remote and drink wine for the next three weeks. I think it's valid for a kid to have a few weeks off to just do nothing. I mean, most adults have at least two weeks vacation per year where they get to do nothing if they so choose, right?

Pushing back is common at your son's age, and it will probably continue for a few years.

I do want my kids to keep learning for the summer. And yes they had required reading going into HS. But they had all summer to do it. Even for their AP classes, they had all summer to read and write their reports. It sounds like he now only has 1 month. I have to agree that this is too structured. I can see having the tutoring though 2 hours, that is pretty long. But he does need time to have fun.

I suggest that he lost weight because he was more physically active at camp and because the food was healthy. Structure doesn't mean always eat at the same time everyday. It means consistently eating healthy foods in moderation. That includes healthy snacks. I suggest that you talk with a nutritionist about ways to make family meals healthier.

Perhaps what you mean by structure is that he had 3 meal/day and 2 snacks instead of snacking all day. For some that does help. What does that look like? The most important factor is having only healthy foods available using foods such as chips and sweets as treats. It also means sticking to healthy amounts. You can start by making healthy family meals and keeping mostly healthy foods in the house. It means everyone eating this way.

Teens do push back. They are testing boundaries as a part of learning to be an adult. The more you involve him in making the boundaries the more he will cooperate. Let him structure his day. List what has to get done with him. Discuss reasons for doing those things and let him make decisions on how he gets it done. Then do not nag. His success depends on him. If he doesn't succeed in getting school requirements done, he needs to suffer the logical consequences. When parents push, nag, lecture the teen, they can blame the parent for their failure. They can rightly say, "if you hadn't nagged me, etc., I would've done it." The focus is on what the parent did instead of on the kids personal responsibility.

Sounds like he needs help learning how to make friends. For some kids/ adults making friends is difficult. My daughter sets up experiences for her son. He goes to his mom's friends house to play with her younger son. My grandson is socially immature and closer to the 10-11 yo age socially. After a couple of visits they are friends. He does need guidance in making friends. How to be a friend. How to meet kids with similar interests. He needs adult support to get started.

If your son was involved in other activities, he would have less time alone on electronics. My grandson and his friend play electronic games together some of the time as a social activity. It sounds like you're very focused on academics. Perhaps one reason your son had success in camp is that he was a part of a social group. Could you arrange time for him to be with one of those friends? Start by taking both boys to an activity. Ask your son what he'd like to do with which friend. Doing this is non-negotiable. Who he's with and what they do is negotiable.

Learning to get along with others is as important as academics. I suggest you include learning how to have friends is as important as academics.

I urge you to be flexible about a schedule, to include your son I'm making decisions that affect him, and lighten up.

I truly would hate to live with you. Sorry. It sounds more like reform school than living at home and being free to have a life.

I don't mean to judge or sound mean though. He's your son and you have the right to make him do as you want. But to me the day you describe is more like....well, I can't think of anything nice, than a summer day of vacation.

I have almost 15 years in the field of developmental disabilities. SO I AM experienced in this field and I worked with mostly adults. If he's so disabled that you have to have this much control over him how is it you expect he will be able to go off to college and succeed? I really want to ask this. If he's going to live at home until he is able to be gainfully employed and move out to live on his own and have an actual career then why do you have to have so much control over him now?

I guess what I don't understand is that he's not able to eat what he wants, can't just sit and watch TV when he wants, has to go to tutors all summer, go to special camps for kids with disabilities, and this sort of thing.

Then you say you're doing this so he can go off to college in a few years.

In my professional experience the two things don't go together. Kids who need this much supervision go off to live in group homes or supported living or shared living situations and work in sheltered workshops or enclaves with other people with similar abilities with a job coach.