Help Me Handle This with Better Grace.

After your SWH: When one partner makes the decisions and implements them, thE other partner withdraws. You have added disadvantage in that you're angry with your husband. You're running the show. And the show is not working. Apparently you're convinced you're right and he's wrong. So, instead of getting together with your husband and the psychologist in a collaborative way, you fight. I also wonder why you know more than a trained professional. Apparently you're more anxious about your son getting his education in a certain way than concern for how he feels. It appears you're willing to sacrifice your son's right to be involved in decisions and right to have a more carefree relaxed life as a teen.. Students that hate school rarely do well at school. That group of friends are important in his life. It appears that you're willing to alienate both your son and your husband. A marriage in which two people are not able to work together, to love each other enough to accept each others differences, to not hold grudges. Failure is more than divorce. Failure is where you and your husband are stuck rigjt now. No one in the house feels loved and heard.

I was married and been in that sort of relationship. I was the one trying to make everyone see life in the way I see life.. I pushed for having a certain kind of home and relationship. We're now divorced. It wasn't as simple as this. Looking back, I can now see it was my way or else. I was not easy to live with. Everyone in our family was uncomfortably stressed.

I urge you to get couples counseling to learn how to work together how to accept each others' ideas and make decisions together. To act in a loving manner even when you disagree. I urge you to get help with your anxiety. I suggest a book on co-dependency could help you get balance in your life.

Your son will be who is meant to be. Now, I suggest you're trying to fit round peg into a square hole and it isn't working. This is your son's life. He gets a say in it. So does his dad. Really grades are not important. Learning is important. Learning is no fun for your son.

What does your son want to do when "he's all grownup." Help him meet HIS goals. He will soon be an adult. Are you helping him learn how to make decisions so that he can reach his goals? He will be living without you for 50 or so years. Grades won't be of much help if he hasn't learned how to live joyfully. I'm surprised your son hasn't rebelled. Nearly every teen I know and have known, would refuse having a life like this. They would fight, refuse to do any work, and even runaway.
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I strongly suggest you drop some of the tutoring and other educational programs and let him get help from the school. Of course he's overwhelmed. And, as just as important, he's very limited in free time and as you say family time. Those times are as important, perhaps more important, than academics. A succesful and happy adult has learned how to balance school and time with family and friends.On top of the hours of study, he has to deal with the emotional stress of a family divided. You're stressed. Dad doesn't agree with Mom. Even as an adult, I could not thrive on the schedule you insist he have. It's no wonder he has meltdowns every night.

I also suggest he's having difficulty at school because of the demands you put on him. I have two grandchildren with Aspergers. The oldest has significant learning delays. Both are thriving in main stream schools. They get extra help at school. They are doing well. They are supported by their family. His mom has been getting information and support from professional people.

Does your son have an IEP? Do you talk with the person who works with kids who have an IEP? If your son doesn't have an IEP, perhaps that would help. Do you work with the school and take their advice? Education, with or without learning disabilities, is a team effort.

I urge you to talk with the psychologist about this situation. Ask about your son's schedule and be willing to follow his advice. He is trained for and has experience with kids having difficulties.

How do you handle your situation with grace? Know that you have set up an extreme and demanding schedule for yourself and your son. Change it! The current schedule is not working.

Plan time for yourself and with your husband. Listen to him and consider he may be right. Let go of your anger. Relax. I suggest that counseling will help you find a happier and more successful life.

oh, sweetie. that's so rough. i'm really sorry you got railroaded into this, and now have to figure out how to deal.
i'd be angry too.
it's ridiculous to expect any kid to do 2-4 hours of homework every night on top of school. and for an LD kid? impossible.
with an NT kid i'd step back and let the chips fall where they may. it might take losing a year of school for the kid to realize that another option would be better and be more amenable to trying your suggestions. i know parents freak out at the prospect, but put in perspective over a lifetime, one year spent on a life learning experience is a drop in the bucket and well worth it.
but i don't have experience with an LD kid, so the strategy could backfire.
i myself would homeschool this fellow in a heartbeat, but that's not an option that's available or best for everyone, and i assume you've considered and rejected it. for the record, my younger was resistant to leaving his public school because he wanted to stay with his friends, but after a sulky couple of weeks he adjusted, and the friends he made in his new circumstance have remained staunchly in his social circle right into his middle 20s.
i don't really have anything useful to offer you, just my sympathy and sincere hope that this all sorts itself out soon.
and a kick in the pants to your dh for being so passive-aggressive. grrrr.
khairete
S.

As the mom of a kid with some challenges, I want to interject some insight here:

Despite the incredulity at the idea that your husband needs a list and how to manage them?: He is trying to respond to your request and is asking for exactly what he needs! That's a good thing, not something to be put out about. He's aware that it's hard and that you likely have some better/more effective/more predictable techniques/tools in managing the time to it's best outcome.

We homeschool and I'm my son's primary parent. My husband is awesome, takes a lot of responsibility in leading our son's Cub Scouts den and is an active parent. That said, I am the one who has the inside scoop on what's going on with Kiddo, where he "is" in any given moment (abilities, emotionally).What works, what to avoid... I'm the keeper of all that knowledge. My husband knows this, and if I asked my husband to step in to help with a learning activity or assignment, I'd brief him quickly.For example: My kid does math differently than most of us typically do, and it works for him. Trying to teach him *my* way, or the usual way, of doing it would only make him angry and confused. We have worked this out, but if I asked my husband to make sure Kiddo did some math work, I would tell him "hey, he doesn't like to do XYZ, he actually does it this other way and gets it correct. So, when he starts to do such-and-such, that's okay. "

Your husband is asking for specifics in how to help, so do yourself a favor: get over being mad at him for not knowing and do what he asks. I know you have a lot on your plate, I can tell how difficult it is for you. When my son was in school I was in the same boat and honestly, I hated it. Yet, I knew my husband carried the load at work and this was what I'd chosen, to be the at-home parent. And you know, some things don't change even if the situation does. My son didn't do 'well' in public school due to his ADHD-inattentive and guess what? He still struggles to learn at home. It's just easier on both of us because our learning day has less transitions and is tailored more to his interests. What I'm saying is that even if your son had gone to the LD school, it might still be hard for him. I have very savvy nieces who are extremely smart, competent young women who, entering college and the work force, now find things to be distressingly difficult.

Some stuff in life is hard. Your son's still only new at 'high school'. Give things time. And if you are asking for help, listen to your husband and honor what he needs. We don't get to say "I'm so mad you don't help me" when we don't tell them HOW. Which, esp in this case, where there are learning delays, is unfair to everyone. Do yourself a favor, make the list, and try to get past your anger. Family counseling would be a good thing. You don't have to take all of this on yourself.

I'm sorry, BP, but you don't have an education problem. You have a marriage problem.

A truly egalitarian marriage doesn't allow one person to "overrule" the other. Your husband wants a typed list? So type it, and hand it over to him since he thinks he can do a much better job.

I cannot believe that a 7 hour school day needs to then have 2-4 hours of homework with paid tutors added on. I cannot believe that school kicks kids out with a C average. A private school still has the state requirements to provide services such as psychological support, an IEP, and much more.

Your child has a learning disability, as do thousands of kids, and your husband and the school think that an 11 hour work day is a good plan? Your husband, if he was not involved in setting up a structure to manage HIS plan, including nurturing your son's emotional state and paying/emailing everyone, needs to get involved NOW. Let him see how easy it is - give over the responsibility. Don't tell him how to manage them - he can figure that out. Just list what they are, with details, and stop. Give his email address to the support group for parents, the people who coordinate monthly meetings, the teachers, the tutors, and everything else. Have the tutors bill your husband and give him some envelopes for their checks. Step away.

Get counseling for yourself so you stop losing weight and sleep, and get your husband to go so you can reestablish some family values/priorities. For every hour that you currently spend making yourself sick, thin, tired, stressed and anxious, devote at least 1/2 hour to solid counseling and perhaps a coaching situation to learn how to feel more in control. Work on family dinners with some fun conversation and relaxed atmosphere.

That is WAY too much homework. It's no wonder you're all overwhelmed and stressed. If your son insists on staying at this school, even with 2-4 hours of homework, maybe you should just allow him to face some natural consequences if his grade falls to a C.

It's not your job to bolster your son's grade. It's your job to assist him, but not to be the reason he's getting a B.

It's only been six weeks. I think you should stop worrying, treat yourself to a spa day for being a great mom, and remember that your son is ENJOYING his school experience and his friends.

If he "falls below a C" at the end of this semester - two months from now - you can re-evaluate the situation!

BP - There are many facets to this issue, and I think everyone is bringing something different to the table. It seems that you are bringing the burden of this decision - a lot of management has either fallen on you, or you initiated taking responsibility for it & that has stuck. There are some good strategies below from the moms on how to handle some of that stress (see Elena B, Nervy Girl, Marda P).

But let's consider another perspective - that of your son. He is struggling, doesn't like all the homework, is maybe a bit overwhelmed. But he has a B average!! That's fantastic, I went through high school with a C average, & I didn't have an LD. So he's working hard, & it's paying off... he can even have a C average & stay in the school. So I think you are worry a bit more than you need to for a bar that he is currently holding himself above.

Now, consider that despite the extra work & frustration for him, he WANTS to stay in this school. He is making friendships, and values those relationships. It's something he hasn't had before. THIS is a victory for him! Embrace and celebrate that with him. There's more to life than grades, there's more to adulthood than college, and he is learning that and telling you that he prioritizes being able to connect with his peers over being at the top of his class.

I think you need to have a heart-to-heart with your son, & talk (calmly, openly) about the pros & cons of this decision, now that he's been doing it for a while. Where is he struggling, & and what does he think a workable solution can be to help with that? Listen to what he has to say - and then find a way to help him with that. Identify what you are willing to help him with, & how much, so that he can take on more responsibility. But also remember that as his mom, you might need to be more involved on the back end at first, of helping to remind him, & follow up with him, to make sure he is carrying his responsibility - that is what learning is all about after all, you don't always get it right the first time.

So - Destress, take some deep breaths, & gain perspective on what positive outcomes this decision has made already. Then, take steps to work through the parts that are more difficult. It's only been 6 weeks, this is doable, but it needs to be approached whole-istically. (yes, I just made up a word!)

Best of luck, and make sure to tell your son how proud you are of what he's accomplished already!! T. :)

A few questions:

The first one is about grades. I'm just wondering if there is a disconnect between how your son performs in school vs your expectations or goals? For example, if he's getting C's across the board, are you engaging tutors and doing everything else you're doing for the purpose of his achieving B's or even A's? Or is he failing most of his subjects despite tutors and the resource room? Or is he getting A's when in reality, B's would be so much easier on everything? What is he capable of? This is something you might ask the psychologist about - ask honestly. What is he capable of, and what is the route he needs to take to get there? It may be that the psychologist can help you bring your expectations into alignment with your son's abilities.

Do the tutors teach directly to the curriculum, or do they have their own goals? Do they basically help him with his homework, making sure he grasps all the concepts (not doing his homework for him, of course), or do they teach above and beyond what his class is studying?

Why doesn't your son have more responsibility to contact teachers, and stay on top of assignments? I wonder if your life might be easier if you handed over some of these things to him - he has a learning disability but you don't seem to indicate that he is mentally incapable of assuming his own duties when it comes to school. He should tell the teacher "I'm not understanding X or Y". He should have a notebook or planner or app for due dates on assignments.

I'm not surprised there is emotional turmoil - he must be in school for, what, 5 or 6 hours per day, and then 2 to 4 hours of more schoolwork, homework and tutoring at home everyday? 10+ hours of education daily for a kid is a lot. That's more like a med school graduate student or someone in law school or something. The resource room, your contacting the teachers, your setting the study schedule, your hiring tutors - that all sounds like a lot, and with your son melting down every evening, well, it sounds chaotic. I'm not surprised your husband is seeking concrete steps to take.

Does your son have a 504 plan? A 504 plan is not a modification to the curriculum like an IEP; instead, a 504 plan allows for accommodations that are necessary for the student to learn the regular curriculum. 504 accommodations can range from larger print for visually impaired students, breaks for students with anxiety or panic attacks, shortened assignments and tests, etc. My daughter had a 504 plan due to her medical illnesses. Her fatigue and pain made regular school requirements impossible. So teachers gave her reduced assignments that still showed she comprehended the work. Instead of doing 20 questions, she could choose every other one and only answer 10. Complete sentences were not required because writing all those sentences out were too difficult. The point was, to show she knew the curriculum by a sometimes shortened route. She was allowed to take a lessened course load - 4 subjects per semester instead of 5. You might inquire about that. A good resource is his psychologist. Talk to the doctor about what's going on and ask for specific recommendations about the school day and the after-school day. If your son requires 2 to 4 hours of daily tutoring in order to maintain passing grades, then the school is not doing all it can, in my opinion. Ask about a 504 plan. He can still see his friends, and school won't be a source of agony.

My basic recommendations are to turn over some of what you're doing to your son, and to the school. And that you specifically ask the psychologist to help structure your son's day - with him - to make things less stressful, while still maintaining standards needed to graduate and be successful.

"When I ask my husband to take on some of the tasks, he asks me to give him a typed list of tasks and how to manage them."

Is your husband intentionally being difficult or would such a list honestly be of help? If it is a legitimate request, then make the list and help him out. You'd help your son with strategies for learning and coping, perhaps your husband needs similar.

Sounds really stressful. I remind myself that I am not the only one responsible in times like this. That even if I could manage it all, and try to make it better - it's not until others step up that it will work. So I back out a bit. I take time for myself. It's not on me to hold it all together.

If he fails - he fails. Then the answer will be obvious. Or he might thrive if he takes more ownership of dealing with his teachers, etc. I would gradually hand off responsibilities - to him and your husband.

Even if he'd gone to your choice in school, if you were still handling the teachers, the tutors, the emotional turmoil .. you'd be stressed and I doubt your husband would be doing any more than he already is.

If you back out of it a bit - others will have to step up. If they don't - that's not your fault.

Best to you. Make yourself a priority.

What would you have done if he went to the LD school and he had no homework but didn't want to do anything because he had no friends? What if he ended up depressed about that? What if he was the one completely miserable?

It is very easy to complain about the choice you didn't want to make and act like your choice would have been perfect but the fact is it wouldn't have been perfect either. Would you really rather trade your happiness for your son's happiness because in a way that is your complaint. You spend all this time making it work and your son wants to continue because he is happy there. So maybe it would be easier on you if you stopped blaming your husband and see it for what it is, you are doing this for your son.

Your son has about 6-7 hrs of school 5 days a week, right?
And on top of that he also has 2 to 4 hrs of homework?
Heck, learning disability or not, I'd be upset too with up to 10 to 11 hrs school work per day.
This is an inhuman schedule.
It's school work I know but it almost seems like this should be in conflict with child labor laws.
Put aside who's to blame - that's just wasted energy - this just isn't working.
Just stop this.
No tasks, no tutors, no type written lists.
I can't see how your psychologist would be ok with this.
Does he really know how it is you are killing yourself trying to make this work?
If he does, consider firing him and getting a new one.
If your son fails - he fails - the school is not meeting his needs.
Your family needs other options.
Find them, put this behind you and move forward.

wow, i wouldn't be able to hold my tongue. you have more grace than i would. your hubby NEEDS to have the task list typed out and a how manage them attached? he needs to man up and figure it out. wheres your manual that your going by? theres not one, your figuring things out for yourself. he should do the same.
a sit down sessino with your son to show him how the other school is better equipped to handle his learning abilities and that he can stay where he is at and be frustrated and cry, or he can switch, make new friends and possibly have an easier and less frustrating time learning.

Sorry but I read this and think "big deal". You have to do some look xtra work for your ONE child who is in school all day. I'm sure your husband didn't set out to be wrong. Plenty of women have multiple children, work full time and do most logistics for their kids. Soon enough he will be out of the house and you can relax. Do you also outearn your husband?

Does your son have an IEP? What kind of learning disability dies he have? I ask because If he's in the mainstream school with a resource classroom there are accommodations that can be made. My son had severe adhd. The " 1+1= oh look that kids shoe is untied I need to tell him that bird out the window is pretty" kind it took years to get things into a routine. He struggled with homework and basically organizational skills of any kind. We had IEP mtgs each year. By the time he was in middle school he was an active part of these mtgs. What are the goals for your son? Are you planning for college? Are you expecting A's when he is not capable? Is he capable? If he is in highschool and has an IEP no homework can be written into the IEP But you need to make sure that's in his best interest. And also figure out if the grades your trying for and the reason your trying for them are worth the effort. If he's never going to be in an ivy league college then those straight A's won't be important and that's ok.

I wanted to piggy back on another posters response. There are many accommodations that could be made. For a long time my son could not take a written test. His mind simply shifted to fast to get the material read form an answer and get it to the paper. He was given all tests except math verbally. He did not have homework sent home. He was sometimes allowed to take tests in a separate room away from the regular distractions. By the time he his senior year he was doing great. He has been college now for 2 years. But it's online classes for the most part. And it's community college the thought of going away to a 4 year will not work for him.

Then stop. Leave it. If he's doing 2 hours of tutoring every single night then this school is far above his ability. Sorry, I have over 15 years in developmental disabilities and I would be appalled at this situation.

Let him stand on his own in class. I would never pay a tutor 2 hours per day to do school work with my child, normal or disabled.

You are sending him to a private school, I assume you pay for that.

You are basically paying another teacher to come in and reteach him what his daytime teachers are neglecting to teach. If he is having 2 hours of homework each day then his teachers are expecting them to learn the material outside of the classroom so they don't have to work with them theirselves.

The reason I would stop dealing with this is that you don't want him there anyway. If you continue to rescue him and his teachers then you are in fact enabling everyone else to use you.

Your son has a B average and has friends. Wow, that is terrific for him!!! Stop being angry and look at the big picture. Perhaps you are playing a part of the drama because you are so angry. I also think you need to give some of the responsibility over to your son. Not all but some. When he has a meltdown, walk away. DO NOT ENGAGE. When you do, you are only feeding the beast. I know, I went through this with my son. Your son needs to stand on his own two feet. What is the plan overall? After HS? Does he have any set goals? College? Tech school? Do you meet with the guidance counselor? Is your son a part of this? If not, he should be. He is old enough to participate in his life and the decisions being made.

Stop focusing on being right. You aren't. He is successful with his grades and friends. I think some of the stress and drama at home is your attitude, which honestly I don't blame you but you really need to move on. Does your son have IEP? OR any other assistance that he needs?

Next - your husband. You and your husband need counseling. It seems that there is an imbalance in the marriage. You do not feel supported and he seems to want everything done for him. Again, learned behavior. You both need a way to help each other. I think if you had some support from him YOU wouldn't feel overwhelmed. Honestly, I had two kids and worked full time with after school activities. No, they didn't have LD, but its still a lot going on. If I didn't have help from my husband, I don't think I could have done all that I did. THAT is what YOU are missing.

Hire an aide for him

I too have an LD child. Public school was a nightmare. My fault for trying year after year when it was apparent it wasn't working. A good life lesson for him would be to recognize mistakes and make a new course. I would give him a few choices of LD schools and let him pick one (Chicago should have plenty of choices), some have large student body and some are tailored to 5:1 student to teacher ratio. If he likes sports and clubs, many of them have those as well. Make sure he fits their profile and let him visit and pick. Yep, you'll hear a lot of griping and complaining for awhile but it will ultimately be the best choice for all. Good luck!!

You and your husband need to be a team. There are enough things you have to "fight", your spouse can't be one of them. Your son is also part of the team. This school may not have been YOUR choice, but it's not about you. It's about your son. Continue to work with the school to find the right balance for your son.