Help with M-I-L Overstepping Boundaries

I would encourage you to take sometime and really think things through before you say anything to your MIL. I had a similar situation with mine right after I had my daughter. She would email me daily and tell me how much she loved her and missed her etc. There were many other things that is just an example. It drove me crazy and I felt like I was being suffocated and that she was way too obsessed with my child. I ended up firing off an email letting her know how I felt and laid down the law on when was appropriate to see her etc (with my husbands agreement). It most certainly changed our relationship and things like that are not easily forgotten once they are done. Now looking back I can see that she was just acting like an excited first time grandma and I was behaving like an excited, over stressed, and sleep deprived first time mother. My daughter is now 4 and all of the things that at that time seemed so horrible to me would be of no issue now. That may not be the case at all in your situation but I would proceed with caution. If I had it to do over again I would have taken sometime for us both to adjust and then if it was still an issue had my husband deal with her.

Best Wishes!

please tread cautiously. she is probably just really excited and i hasten to say you are anxious to protect your child and be a great mom to her. why not try encouraging her to do the things you like her to do instead of criticising the negative? some adult positive reinforcement! Don't ever worry anyone else in the whole world could be mistaken for the mother of your child....the baby absolutely knows you are the cneter of her world!

a lot of times whne i look back things that bothered me my in laws or others did iwth my babies seem like nothing to me now. only you of course know your situation...but try to approach it with a loving and sharing heart!! a great relationship is very important to your family!

best of luck...let us know!

Hi, K..

In your note, you don't mention if your daughter is asleep or resting when your MIL picks her up and dresses her or if she simply hears her and responds at the end of nap time. As long as she is not waking the baby, there is really no harm done. Relax and enjoy the moments when someone else can help out. Unless you have an outing planned, does the outfit really matter?

Please keep in mind that everyone is different, and your little girl will benefit from developing different relationships will all of the people who love her. When you share her, you give her an incredible gift--the chance to get to know other family members and friends who can each become a unique part of her life.

As far as taking her to a different room, consider this perspective: If everyone in a particular room is chatting, enjoying the TV or otherwise involved, maybe grandma is looking for a place where she can enjoy baby with fewer distractions. And if she doesn't play the same way that others do. . why does that matter?

As a new mom, you are probably tired, perhaps a bit insecure with all of the new responsibilities, and your body is just returning to normal. It's perfectly natural that you feel irritated when someone doesn't do things the way that you would. But, just because something is different doesn't mean that it is wrong or that anyone is trying to take over for you. Keep things in perspective.

I have three children, and I have encouraged their grandparents, aunts and uncles and close friends to spend time "alone" with them. Children need to know that mom and dad are not the only ones who love them, who will protect them, or with whom they can express their feelings. I know that it is impossible to imagine right now, but as your little girl grows (particularly during her teens) there may be times that you may not be the "right" person for her to confide in. Helping her develop strong relationships with people that you trust now ensures that she has connections under any circumstance in the future.

No one can or will ever take your place. You are the mommy. Be secure in that. Give your little girl the chance to explore other relationships--The world is an amazing place, and every encounter is an opportunity to learn and grow--if you look at it that way.

There may come a time when chatting with your MIL is appropriate, but do navigate such conversations with care. Be sure that the "issue" is worth the possible consequences. Talk with your husband and get his feedback as well. He might be able to offer insight into his mom. . .or talk with her himself so that she is more sensitive to your feelings.

Haha...I love Megan's answer! Scare tactic - classic!

Does you MIL live with you? If not, then just try to relax while she is there, she probably doesn't feel like she gets enough time with her new grand-baby and just really enjoys time with her and wants to help out...I know it's annoying when you wanted her to wear an outfit and then she shows up in another one without warning...and she may be messing up your flow, but if it's not a full time thing, just try to understand her and you can do things your way while she is gone - and you can always try to minimize the 'weird' one on one time she has by asking her to do you a favor to help out (as a distraction) - like, "Can you please make that great peach tea of yours?" That will make her feel needed and it is complimentary to her tea - or whatever it is she is good at...and you could get some nice baked goods out of that as well...but if she does live with you, then I would definitely suggest you lay some ground rules. It's tricky when it's a sensitive person you care about. I'm sure your MIL loves her and thinks she is doing what's best - may even think she is helping you out by giving you a break - which is probably much needed at times! (and she probably thinks that taking her to a quiet part of the house is less stressful for baby??) But if she is waking the baby up to hold her, then I would explain to her when I put her to bed and that I prefer her to get X amount of sleep, etc. And then I would go in and get my baby first so she wouldn't have the chance. Things can't always be done first, like getting her dressed when you were trying to have a casual morning in pj's, but it can't hurt her to get fresh air and you can think of it as one less thing you have to do (getting her dressed)- and maybe go outside and play with them instead of worrying about her being out there alone with her. Then the next day you can dress her and tell MIL you guys have plans to do such and such so she won't have a chance to interfere. I have a tendency to want to always be in control, and when my MIL was butting in, I would get upset....but until it started harming our family, I let it go...or casually brought it up in conversation to get her idea of boundaries or how she would like to help...but I also decided it wasn't worth my time and effort to get too offended or irritated by everything she does because at heart she loves the grand-kids too and it's nice to have someone help out. Good luck - let us know how it goes!

When MIL comes to visit, put the crib and baby with you in your room at night and lock the door. If someone took my baby and I didn't know where he was, well, I wouldn't have been half so nice about it. If anyone comes between a mama bear and her cubs, someone is going to get seriously mauled. I realize we're not animals, so the analogy is not the best. Being a grandmother does not give you the right to kidnap your grandchild. If others are also noting her strange behavior, is it possible a little senility is setting in? All the more reason not to let her sneak away with the child. I congratulate you on your self control. She needs to know her actions are not acceptable, and she should apologize and not do it anymore. If she gets mad, so what? Not talking to you for a day or so is not the worst thing in the world.

This is a tough situation that calls for loving confrontation. You need to set boundaries. Get input from your husband too. If your mother-in-law is mature she should realize how you feel. Be sure to use statements like "I feel..." and "This must be done" Be firm but kind . Be assertive to set rules. It is your baby not hers. She may such a happy grandma that she has been blind to her own intrusion and needs you to lovingly point this out. AF

Wow, can your MIL come over and help with my baby? I would love it if someone else took charge once in awhile and gave me a break! But seriously, we have been very lucky that both of our mothers (and fathers) are very respectful and are non-interferers.

In your situation, just remember that you are the one with all the leverage because you are the keeper of the grandchild. So what if she doesn't talk to you for a day? Who does that really hurt? Her more than you. She is the one at risk of not seeing her grandchild if she pisses you off. She may get huffy and not talk to you for awhile (giving you a break from her), but she will always come back because you have the grandchild. So don't be afraid to just confront her, lay down some grounds rules, be blunt with her. Let her get mad or insulted or hurt or whatever. She'll be back.

A lot of moms so far have preached tolerance to you but I'm a little different. You need to understand and feel very strongly that this is YOUR child, she had her chance. She's not behaving in an acceptable manner. Taking YOUR infant into another room without you is a huge NO NO. Taking your infant out of her crib, getting her dressed, taking her anywhere without your express permission is a huge NO NO. You are that baby's mommy, you are in charge. You cannot allow her to set an overbearing precedent or you will be fighting her for control of your children for the rest of your life.

She should understand that this is your child and not only that, but this is your FIRST child and she needs to back off and stay out of the way. She is trying to put her bond with the baby first and that is WRONG WRONG WRONG. The most important bond that baby has is with you. You are her mother. Your MIL really needs to stop interfering and you need to talk to her to get her to stop.

Simply tell her "Look, I know that you love the baby dearly, but please remember that I am her mother and I am responsible for her care and upbringing. I need for you to ask me before you change anything with her, even if it's just her clothes. She also needs to stay with me and not be taken into another room for long periods of time. I have to keep track of everything having to do with her and the way you've been with her so far isn't really fair to me. She is my first child and this should be a wonderful time of bonding between her and me. I feel like you're intruding on that and I would appreciate a little more space from you."

Who cares if the MIL is sensitive? She's a big girl. She should be able to master her own feelings and if not, too bad for her. It's not your job to protect and sheild her, it's your job to protect and shield your baby. It's unfair of her to expect you to pay service to her sensitivities at a time like this when you are a new mother. She's being interfering and what is more important to you, your MIL's "hurt feelings" or your bond with your own baby? Reality says, the MIL can take a hike.

BTW, I would feel this way about my own mother if she was behaving like that. It's not just MILs. Fortunately, my mother was very respectful of the new dynamic and always made sure she knew how I wanted my children handled and complied with my wishes, as any grandmother should.

I completely understand your situation and it can be SOOOO irritating. I had the same experience with mine. Once she actually cut me off and RAN up the stairs when my baby woke up. She would also make little comments that seemed to try to make me feel inadequate as a mother. I was really mad at first, and I didn't know how to handle it- I would dread seeing her for awhile. She's really controlling and high strung, but she really loves the baby and only wants to help/spend time, she just does it in her own weird little way. Unless someone is lucky enough to have any set of parents/inlaws that is really chill when it comes to a new grand-baby, there are going to be some tension at times. I just finally realized that talking to her wouldn't really help (especially if she's sensitive and pouty). Just be yourself and be confident in your status as a new mom, and most importantly (although its difficult when your patience is stretched thin) try to just have a sense of humor about it. Unless she's somehow hurting the baby, don't step in. She may just eventually mellow out without you having to say anything. She doesn't see you guys that often, and new babies are so precious and special that she probably just wants to get as much grandma time in as she can. Just laugh it off, or take advantage of it; enjoy some alone time and let her babysit! Good luck. It will get better.

hi K.,
there's always an uncomfortable period when a baby first comes into a family (and your MIL is family too) while everyone figures out how to be with each other and the new addition. part of your irritation, especially since you got along fine with your MIL beforehand, is due to you taking your place as the mover and shaker in this baby's life (and maybe some residual hormones.) remember she too is crazy about the baby and wanting to secure her place in her life.
taking her to somewhere they can have some one-on-one time, talking quietly to her, playing with her in HER own unique way and not like everyone else, all of these are wonderful things, things that will help your daughter always identify her grandma as special, different, uniquely hers. however, getting her up and taking her out of the house without a word to you is overly intrusive and i can totally understand your irritation there.
how often is she around? is this every day, once a week, or just occasionally? if it's daily or almost daily, you probably do need to talk to her. if it's less often, i'd keep it a simple 'the baby's asleep now, so please don't get her up! we have a routine established for her wake-up times that we don't want to get disrupted.' if it is necessary to have a more in-depth talk with her, please make sure you do it when you're NOT annoyed, and do it from a place of love. this has the potential to damage your relationship with your MIL forever, and you want her to be relaxed and happy with her her beloved granddaughter.
khairete
S.

Have you talked to your DH to get his take? What did he say?

when i have troubles with my mil i have my husband talk to her. that way she doesnt get imbarrased or upset that i told her what to/not to do. maybe have him tell his mom that you feel belittled when she doesnt ask you first if she can do things with your daughter before doing them and that if she could please do him the favor of making you feel good by asking first he would be ever grateful. at this point her doing what she is doing is miniscule but if it continues it could grow to more. like her getting your daughter a gift you specifically said she was not old enough for or deseved because of her behavior. basically you cant blame mil for doing something she doesnt realize she is doing...so before you let it rattle your cage any longer make sure she knows (somehow) that its bothering you.

Sounds alot like my MIL. On her last visit she actually called the baby "my baby." I can get pretty bugged when she rushes in and tries to take him from my arms before feeding is even done. But she just LOVES babies, so I try and let her have some time. This is my 3rd so I think it's a bit easier for me to handle, since it means I get some 1 on 1 with my others. With my 1st it made me nutty. Now I'll sometimes step in and say (kindly) that it's time for me to help the baby take a nap, or it's time for me to feed the baby. When I feed him I go in the other room so I can have some time with him on my own after he's done eating.
Maybe you could take advantage of it by asking her to take care of the baby while you go out on a date. Good luck!

One way to broach the subject is a scare tactic. The next time that you hear MIL take baby out of her crib, wait a few minutes and then go in to check on the baby. When she's not in her crib, freak out. Run around the house calling for her, panic, etc. When your MIL sees this, she'll say something like 'I have her, why are you worried...' Just say something like.. 'I heard a noise in her room and went to check on her and she was gone! OMG I though something had happened...' and then go from there.
M.

I see you have gotten alot of great advice but I'll just say a few things. I think MIL who take babies in another room, are just crazy....I mean why do they do that? My MIL doesnt do that but she does make passing comments about things like....oh where in the world did you get that bruise? (talking to my one year old, like he is going to respond...lol) I have just started to ingore(sp) it. The one thing I try to remember is that there are my children! My mom is also a control freak and she can be over bearing but these are my children not hers and i know whats best for them not her. So i have to finish with is THAT THEY ARE YOUR KIDS, NOT HERS. I know it is hard but stand up for that little girl and urself. yall deserve it!(I have to remember that to)

I think that you should be glad that she has an interest in the baby. My mil doesn't change diapers and is way to afraid to help. I had her come after the birth of my second and I felt like I had to take care of her too! You do need to be comfortable with her though. When she takes her into the other room, maybe she is being sensitive the to the little one. I found that mine would feel overstimulated sometimes and really enjoyed the quiet time. Does she really need to ask to dress her? You might just say, I think that she will get overheated in that outfit and we need to put her in something else. She doesn't know or may not remember she is heat sensitive. I have to tell my mother all the time about that stuff and she helps weekly. She is really just trying to be helpful, believe me it is nice not to have to hover over some one helping. I would have your husband talk to her about the pouty/competitiveness and try to ignore it.

Good luck

Megan

I dont know the whole situation but think about things and maybe ask her not to do so much and let you have some time with your child. I have 6 children and my mil has nothing to do with my kids. I live 2 seconds from her and she never comes to see them but always has my neices and nephews. So be thankful she atleast loves your child enough to want to be with her and help.

Some MILs actually do start thinking/behaving like the kid is theirs. My friend's grandma is like that to the point where she was upset not to be treated like the mother of the bride...because she wasn't!

If these behaviors concern you, talk to her. Say that you know she loves DD but that she needs to ask you first if DD can get up from a nap, get dressed, etc. Say that this behavior is making you feel displaced and affecting your relationship with MIL.

You can let MIL pick out the outfit if you don't care, but you want to approve the time. Sometimes I don't dress DD right away because I plan to let her feed herself and will change her after she wears her cereal. I would give MIL some examples of things she can do that you would like instead. This is kind of how I deal with it with SD, who loves her baby sister, but that doesn't mean I want DD out on the trampoline with her. I tell SD she can swing gently with DD or walk her in the yard instead. MIL doesn't need to do the same things that everyone else does, but she also doesn't need to ignore you being there.

If MIL doesn't change, be proactive. If my own mom did that sort of thing, I'd go find her wherever she went and bring DD back to where everyone else was. If DD was peaceful in her crib, I'd put her back in her crib and tell Mom to leave her alone (we have this problem with my SD...any sound at all and SD wants to get DD up). Some quiet time is fine. But to always run off with the baby is weird and secretive.

Example: my mom really can't wait to feed DD weird foods. She's fixated on this. I told her that I would tell her when I thought DD was ready for this and then she can feed DD pickles, lemons, whatever. But until then, please respect my feeding schedule and food choices because it's not only in the best interest of our relationship, but best for DD. And I know Mom wants the best for her grandbaby.

Don't give your MIL so many opportunities to do so! Spend less time with your MIL. That way she won't even be around to do that. That way your MIL gets used to not doing that regularly and you feel more confident about being the one that is in charge of raising your baby.