Overly Maternal Mother-in-law

Try this on (in front of a mirror) and see how it feels: "MIL, I just love it that you care so much for my baby. AND he is my son, and your grandson. I expect you to identify yourself to him as such, by whatever grandmotherly name you choose."

It's shocking to realize how simple, direct and honest we can be. It will startle the other person, but if you are (1) acknowledging/appreciating her positive contribution, (2) making a factual observation, and (3) stating your expectations, feelings or needs clearly and without manipulation, there is VERY little for the listener to argue with.

Note that I capitalized the "AND" above, because it makes a much gentler transition than "but" from recognizing her needs to asking her to recognize yours. It's subtle, but helpful.

So, what will you do if your MIL takes offense, argues, stomps off with hurt feelings? Stay calm, don't apologize (you've said nothing wrong), don't get rattled. Silence is powerful and highly underused. Repeat your expectation, if it seems appropriate. Just recognize that she will need time to process this information. She's been getting away with her behavior so far, so it will come as a big surprise.

It sounds like you might appreciate less of her forcefulness, however, so let her take whatever time she needs. If she decides to hold a grudge, that will be another issue to deal with later. This situation doesn't sound healthy, however, so I think it's great that you're wondering what to do about it. Be clear with her. The world will not come to an end.

I would suggest that this IS a HUGE problem, despite your comment otherwise. She's completely disrespectful of your role as mother, to the point that she LIES to the child by how she references him, and to strangers by omitting the truth in refusing to correct them. She is crossing WAY too many boundaries and needs to be stopped immediately. Just because she's your husband's mother and your son's grandmother does NOT give her the right to invade your house, your lives, and your nuclear family. She does not have the right to selfishly force what she wants on you, demanding that you acquiesce to her fantasies and underlying issues. Unfortunately, the only person who can stand up to and correct her behavior is your husband and it sounds like he's unwilling to do so. If you attempt to, you will be putting your husband in an impossible situation, requiring him to pick one of you and in my experience the wife always loses. You can't tell your MIL to back off. She wont. And more than likely she will choose to create feelings of resentment and bitterness, and it may affect your husband in the same way as well.

There may be another problem surfacing as well. She may be experiencing early symptoms of dementia.

I would HIGHLY recommend seeking professional family counseling for a few sessions to get the situation fleshed out completely and get your husband's support on what needs to happen. If this cannot be resolved in such a manner, I would suggest you'll spend the rest of your son's life as an unimportant female caregiver who garners no respect from him since you're not his "real mom" - Grandma would be and you would have supported her in that hostile takeover.

Good luck!! It took three years before my husband started seeing how his mother's behavior affected our children and our relationships inside the nuclear family. It is still an ongoing, constant struggle with my husband reminding her EVERY TIME they speak or she sees us that he's not a child, our children are not toys, she is not allowed to do this or that or speak to me or them that way or..... It requires your husband to be your warrior in that situation tho. Get him on board and investigate together the consequences of this situation and allowing it to continue as soon as possible. Otherwise be prepared to have no actual authority in your own house.

Adding this: once my kids got older (we have an over-bearing Aunty), we taught them that WE are the "parents." Not her. And anytime she offers them something, they need to ask us FIRST. Because we are the parents. My son even at 3 years old, will tell her, "I have to ask Mommy first..." and they will even cell-phone call me to ask if it is "okay" that Aunty gives them candy etc. AND we ALSO make it CLEAR as day, to Aunty, what the "rules" are. So, there are CLEAR delineations, of what and how, to do or not do. Otherwise, kids can get 'confused' as to who is the 'parent' and who to listen to....
But we always have diplomacy about it.
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Big problem as the others said.

You have to stop it. MIL is mentally off.
Whoa.
GOOD thing you and your Husband are on the same page about it.... and feel it is peculiar. It is.

ALWAYS, be the Mom. Don't allow mis-naming of relatives to your son.
Do you want 'dysfunctional' to be the 'norm' for your son????

Don't allow.... MIL/FIL to take on your role, nor your Husband's. The longer it goes on, undisputed, it will become more entrenched. You/Hubby need to step up. Sure they are the Grandparents... that does not mean allowing things to go on, because YOU are the parent.

DO NOT allow her to visit, whenever. Or you will also be at her beck and call. Tell her, you/Hubby have other plans. Make "rules" for her/Grandpa.

Don't let her make you/Hubby feel guilty or bullied.
Remember, YOU/Hubby are the parents... it is your home. It is your child.

Again, you have 2 choices: letting it go on and you/Hubby/your child suffering. Or, (2) correct it and implement boundaries and YOUR parenting.

Next, I think your in-laws are having mental problems.
Next, what about your own family? Are they nearby? Do they visit? They should.

As far as all the visiting goes, we had that issue a bit as well. We just started having to tell our well meaning in-laws that we had family plans. We didn't give any details, we were just busy. Eventually they realized we were no longer going to drop everything to see them and they stopped asking. It was all non-confrontational and there was no bad blood. And now the time spent together is more enjoyable for all of us. (they live 20 minutes aways....Mee Maw can stop by on her way home from work).

As far as the "mommy" business...that would bother me...a lot. This behavior crosses some boundaries. I think I would probably begin by correcting her..."No. I'm your mommy. Go give GRANDMA a hug". I can understand not wanting a big blowout over this, or hurting her feelings. If this didn't make the point, I would have to sit down and have a heart to heart. I wouldn't be confrontational, but matter of fact about things. I would explain that my feelings were hurt and I was uncomfortable. But I would also mention how valued and treasured she is as a grandmother. I imagine she is struggling with "how" to be a grandmother and may need some direction. GL!

I hate to say this but it sounds like your MIL may have some mental instability issues. Maybe your husband should say something to his dad about it, voicing his concerns. That whole things just sounds odd from any stand point and I can't imagine that your FIL doesn't find it odd or worrisome as well but might just be humoring her. I'm afraid you are going to have to let hubby deal with this one so that you are not ostracized but he really does need to deal with it and not just hope that things get better. However, in the long run I think that you will find that you don't have to worry so much about how your son sees his grandmother, he will find her odd and won't want to be around her. My husband's mother is a bit on the nutty side and my kids are respectful of her but they do not want to spend any more time than absolutely necessary with her. While they would beg to see my mom while she was still living they never ever ask to see his mother just because they find her odd. Good luck! I feel for you.

Whoa! This is very scary! The fact that they refer to your husband as the baby's brother is a HUGE red flag. I actually got chills while reading that.

You have gotten fantastic advice from these ladies. My one contribution to this thread is to NEVER leave your son alone with grandma in any circumstance. God forbid she would be dilusional and mabey start trying to breastfeed your son. I don't want to put unfounded fear in you, but this kind of behavior is serious business.

Be calm and be firm. I hope your hubby is on board with you 100% because this behavior could very extremely detrimental to your son.

Not a HUGE problem now? Your story actually creeps me out a little, you MIL refering to herself as Mommy? That's crazy sister, something wrong here! Time for you to put your foot down and make some (very reasonable) demands. Hopefully your husband wiil be on board! Good luck!

I would sit down with your husband and make a clear outline of what is expected, how often they should visit, what they should call him, and what they will be known as to the child, and than your husband needs to sit with them and lay it all out, that they can only visit say once a month to allow for family time, that he is "dad or daddy" and that they are Grandma and Grandpa, never mom or dad to HIS child. It sounds like clear rules need to laid out. The mil may be mad at first, but she has to respect your families space and allow you to be a family.

Yikes! This sounds like the plot for a very creepy horror film! Your husband needs to present a united front with you and set some very firm boundaries concerning when they visit, what your son may call them, etc. She should not be "demanding" anything. How does your FIL react to this? Maybe someone should take him aside and urge him to get her a thorough health examination (physical and mental). This is not normal behavior.

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put your foot down now... visit once a month or every 5 weeks... tell your mil.. that she is to be called grandma or nanna.. make her pick... tell her you want the baby to adore his grandparents.. but you have to have a name to call them. if they say to your hubby that he isn't dad.. correct her... it's best to get it all done soon.. let your hubby explain that you will visit once a month.. that's it.. good luck

Thats peculiar. My mom occasionally would call herself mom or sign mom to cards. When I mentioned it to her she got mad. I have incredible wonderful grandparents. It only happened a handfull of times. It annoyed me so much even though it was an accident. It bothered me that someone even my own mother woud address themself as mom to my own children.
I would first sit down with your husband. Tell him why it bothers you and why is unaccepable. I would say its great that your in laws are involved with your child but you and your husband set the tone not the in laws. Your not asking her to stop doing it. Your kindly telling her she has no business doing this. The whole situation makes you completely uncomfortable and they need to be respectful to you. It would have more of an impact if your husband said it to his parents.
Make them feel comfortable and be gracious but family time between your husband and child are pivotal. I would have them come up one weekend a month. She needs to be more flexible its not just all about her.

I feel for you and this is a delicate situation. "Mamma" or any dirivitive of that name is not one to be shared. I would have your husband talk to her about it, not you. Have him tell her that it makes you both very uncomfortable and you appreciate and love her enthusiasm, but you're feeling robbed of the title. Ask her if she'd like to be Nana, Grannie, or something else. Add that you know that she is so excited about being a grandma and having a baby again in her life but this is also his wife's first baby and it is now his wife's chance to be mamma and show off her baby, so when strangers ask, tell the truth about who the baby belongs to. It is demeaning for his mother to refer to your husband as "brother" and not "daddy." Daddy is also a very special title.

Good luck.

Does your MIL have any siblings that are grandparents or friends that you could talk to. If so have them talk to her about how wonderful being a grandparent is. Your MIL could also be going through some life changes that are scaring her and she goes back to a time when she was more comfortable. I would try to be honest with her and tell her that when she talks this way it scares/bothers you. If she seems to just blow it off then maybe you could get a medical opinion about the situation. This could be more complicated than you think.

I think the grandparents should be evaluated by their doctor. If this is recent behavior, I would look at a phycological or chemical imbalance in the brain causing this. What happens when he does get older and spends the night with the grandparents, will they return him or try to keep him as their own. I would limit contact if it was me.

let me first say thank goodness she is 3.5 away and come everyother weekend., maybe you could suggest that she try fostering a needy child or baby. you could tell her that you think she would be great at it. there are so many children out there that need to be loved. anyway. your husband needs to set the record straight with his parents. that is just weird. good luck and god bless. mom of 7, R.

While I think your MIL's use of Mommy is inappropriate, your FIL's use of Papa isn't necessarily. My husband's parents are called Nana and Papa by all their grandchildren. My husband is Daddy or Dad and grandpa is Papa. However, in the context of you MIL calling herself Mommy it is confusing.

It does sound like your MIL is unhappy and scared about the changes in her life. It would probably help if she got involved with something - a hobby or volunteering. She could work with kids to help fill the void. Does she work? If not, maybe she could get a job. She needs something to make her feel valued but she can't do it at your expense as the mother.

I think it is very odd and you need to talk to your husband about this. She needs to know that this is inappropriate.

I'm truly thankful that your husband is on the same page with you. It will make it easier to drop the bomb on his mother about her actions and why this must stop or else the visits will stop because this can be extremely confusing for your son. It can literally lead to him getting angry with you, the parents, and have him backpacking his way to grandma and grandpa's house because they will give him whatever he wants when he wants it. For him, it is a win-win situation - as a teenager anyhow when the rebellion kicks in. I flat told my MIL just as I did other family members that when we discipline our children, they will accept their punishment and not attempt to land on the door step of another family member (ie. grandma).

My husband's oldest brother and his wife had a similar problem with their only son during his teen years. They made it extremely clear that once he decided he was grown enough to leave home, he was only 15-16 yrs old, he would NOT be living with anyone in the family. If he thought he was grown, he could get a job, find housing, and pay for utilities and housing and groceries and transportation on his own. He would NOT go live with family members expecting them to keep him up. Of course he showed up on his grandmother's doorstep (my MIL). She said it was the hardest thing to do but she told him that his parents said to tell him no and she was telling him no. She went on to tell him if he though he was grown then he could very well take care of himself.

It took 2 weeks of living in his car eating junk food like nabs and such with nobody to hire him because of his age before he came home. After he came home, they had no problems with him afterward. He tried to come here, I told him what his parents had said. He called his grandmother and grandfather in Pennsylvania at the time to try to come live with them but received the same refusal and why. He was ticked off for the most part but when he came home, his attitude changed, he realized his education was important, his chores, and learning how to be a man all had to be accomplished before he was ready to go anywhere.

I'm proud to say that today, he works in underground telecommunications as his dad and my husband did for many years until his dad went to work in Iraq and my husband was unable to work after suffering 2 heart attacks, a stroke, and a quadruple bypass, which threw his diabetes from juvenile diabetes into a quandary.

My nephew got married some 6 or so years ago. His wife is a teacher and they have a beautiful little girl. They moved to Florida where his wife's people are and where her job is at but fortunately he had work there as did my husband and BIL before he met his wife. One of the companies offered him a job in the area, which he took after meeting his future wife and the relationship became serious.

According to what I hear, they have had to put some boundaries in P. as well with regards to family and grandparents - not his parents of course because it costs too much for them to fly or drive that far to see them whenever they want but we all keep in contact via the internet and telephones. His dad contacts him when he can although usually it's an email because of where he is and communication is sketchy at best on a good day.

I do wish you the best. I hope your MIL and FIL find something else to occupy their time. After the children are out of the house, this is when parents/husbands and wives get to know each other all over again - or so I'm told. It's what my aunts and uncles have said and done. They take the occasional class at the local college in subjects they didn't take during their college years. It also allows them vacation time together as a couple.

It sounds like your MIL and FIL need a hobby, to take some classes that interest them. This is there free time: free of kids, free of parental responsibilities to a degree, and time to spend with their spouse learning all they can about the person they've sat across the table from for all these years yet were unable to do much to learn about each other due to raising children. Now is that time.

I wish you the best of luck and hope the news comes across as concise and clear and that they abide by your wishes because your husband is NOT your son's brother. He is your son's father! You are your son's mother and between the two of you, you are this child's PARENTS!

Warmest regards and all my best wishes for a favorable outcome on yoru behalf and that of your son.

Are you serious? I see this as a major problem now. I went through this with my ex's mother. Right down to the breastfeeding. It will get worse, trust me. If you do not put your foot down now, your MIL will get the feeling all is okay, and then when you sit her down (in six months, or a year...whenever) there will be a LOT of hurt feelings.

You and your husband need to sit his parents down NOW and explain that YOU and he are Mommy and Daddy, not them. Tell them that you treasure them as people and as family, that you will from time to time come to them for advice as new parents seeking wisdom from someone who can give great advice from experience, but they are in NO WAY to try and rob you of all the wonderful firsts you will experience with your first child. Tell them that Mommy and Daddy (or papa) are names solely for your child's parents. Give your in laws special names just for them.

Sounds as if your in-laws have empty nest syndrome, especially your MIL. Ask her if she would considering volunteering at a school in the kindergarten building, or at a children's hospital, or a community centre. Maybe even look into some kind of professional help, either by a spiritual leader or licensed psychologist.

The fact that your husband, her own son, thinks this is peculiar should be ringing warning bells, waving red flags all over the place should be telling you that this is NOT normal.

I hope this works out for you and them, but if you let her continue with this behaviour, it will cause undercurrents of resentment because she will be the one that will be called 'Mommy' and it will be to her your child will turn for the things that should be YOUR department. They will be robbing you of something you will never get back, and robbing your child of their sense of security of knowing who Mommy is (not having to decide who Mommy is when you and your MIL are in the same room), you will not fully enjoy his firsts word, (and if it is 'mama' MIL will swear it is for her, not you), first steps, etc if there is any doubt on who has what role there will be that dark cloud and the rainstorm will do tons of damage.

There may be hurt feelings when you sit them down and explain this, but be loving, firm, patient, and don't back down. This is YOUR time to be Mommy, YOUR time to be raising kids.

Your child will be the one who suffers the most if you don't. Please keep us updated, because I suspect that this problem is not so isolated as one might think, and I am sure some will agree with me, many won't. However, once you get all the posts, you and your husband can weigh all points of view and then come up with the best of all of them and go to your in-laws (although I think you need to do THAT immediately, if not sooner). Good luck.

I hate to say this but your MIL sounds WACKO!!!! wow.... next time she calls her self mommy just say oh that nana or whatever you are going to call her... wow is all i can really say. If my mother in law was like that i wouldnt be letting her near my kids!