Mom and Dad Power Struggle?

Updated on March 10, 2011
J.P. asks from Georgetown, TX
6 answers

Vent alert (and long) – so my SO and I have a great relationship except for one thing… whenever he tells our daughter she can do something and when I express issues with it, he still lets her.

For example, he will ask her if she would like some juice or water. Well, obviously she will always choose juice. I will interject and ask him to give her water as she hasn’t had much water that day. Does he give her water? Of course not and his reasoning is because he already told her she could have juice. So then I remind him that we have a standard rule where she isn’t supposed to have juice until she drinks at least one serving of water a day. His response – that’s your thing, not mine. He also thinks that juice is just as good as water even though several studies have shown differently. He says that’s not the point – the point is he told her he could have some and he wasn’t going to turn around and say no. At this point it’s like asking what came first – the chicken or the egg and of course he is the one that gets to decide.

However when it’s something he has issues with then I need to respect his wishes which I have been until this morning… every morning, Monday through Friday, I feed our baby girl and get our 3 year old ready for school and then I drive them both to the daycare and go to work. Normally he is great about helping out as he knows it takes up far more of my time (which I don’t mind) as the school is not on my way to work and the sooner I get to work the sooner I get to pick them up and spend the rest of the evening with them. Well, for some reason this morning he tells our daughter she can eat her breakfast and watch some cartoons. I hear him from the bedroom and yell out “please don’t do that because she will not eat her breakfast and watch TV at the same time – she gets distracted with the TV and she can’t eat breakfast in the car (his rule, not mine) or at school. Of course you already know what he did - so I go into the living room and tell our daughter she needs to eat her breakfast at the table (like she always does on a school day) and get ready for school. She goes to her Dad and tells him what I did. So while I’m in the bathroom getting ready, he turns on the TV for her. At this point I am beyond irritated and so I turn the TV off again and then we “talk” about why. His response again is I already told her she could - even though he agrees with the rest of my arguments against having her eat in front of the TV on a school day.

I tell him if he would have discussed it with me first then he wouldn’t have to go back on his word – which he throws out “I don’t need to ask your permission.” I’m floored as my thinking was - if he had mentioned he was going to let her watch TV to me I could have told him why that wasn’t a good idea (per reasons above which he understood) and then he wouldn’t have had to “go back on his word.” He then stated that he didn’t have to discuss anything with me or get my permission. And no, he is not always like this. A part of me thinks he must have been PMSing this morning…

Mind you – if he would have brushed her teeth, fixed her hair, got her dressed and then gave her the option to watch TV, I wouldn’t have been so irritated (told him that too). The other part of me was still surprised as he complains that we let her watch too much TV and I agreed so why the heck is he letting her watch it at the most inconvenient time?

I hear this is a normal power struggle between Dads and Moms. But how do you deal with it… because frankly his attitude makes me want to stop respecting some of his asinine wishes…e.g. not letting our daughter wear her necklaces that she received as gifts in the last three years because they might choke her… even though I only let her wear them when we go out and it’s never been an issue until recently. He actually cut one of her necklaces she was wearing and threw it in the trash in front of her – just to make his point. Granted he truly thinks they are dangerous but really – DID YOU HAVE TO CUT IT AND THROW IT IN THE TRASH? Of course, it wasn’t important that I let her pick out the necklace from our friend’s stash of Mardi Gras necklaces so I had, in a sense, given her my permission to wear it.

Does anyone else have to go through this? What do you do when all you want to do is slap your man upside the head and tell him to stop being an A_S?

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So What Happened?

I know we need to have a united front. We have actually talked about it before. I always back him up whenever he gets onto our LO or punishes her even when I don't agree. He normally backs me up too but for some reason, about once a month or so he pulls something like this. Again, he's the one that address the "limited TV watching" and I thought we had agreed so what the heck was this morning about? We have talked about all the other "guidelines" and again he usually supports me on them, but as mentioned before, every few weeks it seems like he needs to beat his chest and do something completely opposite. And I don’t make issues of the small stuff but truly did he have to do this when I’m rushing around trying to get everyone ready for school and work? And I don’t agree that you have to keep your word on everything – situations change, saying to your child they can do something and realizing a minute later that perhaps that wasn’t such a good idea due to their safety, time-constraints, etc, seems to me just a part of parenting – IMO.

More Answers

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K.P.

answers from New York on

We have a simple thought process that we agreed to a long time ago...

We don't "undo" eachother's parenting in front of our kids- we discuss it later and agree on a "house rule". For example, I don't really care if my son is barefoot in the house, but my husband doesn't want his feet to get cold. Not a big issue, but if my husband comes home and our little guy is running around barefoot, he lets it go unless his feet ARE cold then he'll put his slippers on w/o commentary.

Talk about chronic issues ahead of time and agree on a response for your child. It's not "your rule" vs. "his rule"- it should be "our rule". Disagreements happen, but when it comes to your kids and your behavioral expecations, get on the same page!

1 mom found this helpful

A.G.

answers from Dallas on

I agree with some others have mentioned. The little issues don't matter. The big issue is that you must present a united front with the children. Then behind closed doors you have a serious discussion about how you are going to handle things like juice vs. water and how much/when to watch TV.

There have been times when my husband has done things without thinking like allow the kids to watch TV at inappropriate times, and then I will find out and say that it isn't a good time because xyz. Then hubby will immediately back me up and say, "Oh, I didn't think about that. Mom's right. We'll watch TV later." I back him up whenever the situation is reversed as well.

You and your SO have to be a team and learn to work together. As kids get older you will need to be united as parenting gets more complicated. You and SO sound like you get along well, and work pretty well together. You just need to fine-tune some of your practices. Good luck!

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B.S.

answers from Chicago on

Actually, honestly, this is NOT something that happens to everyone. I have an ex husband and a current husband. My ex- although he has his issues, lol- ALWAYS made sure we were on the same page parenting, especially when my son was very small and we were still married. Even now when our son is 11, we call and confer to make sure we both have basically the same stance on things.

My current husband and I also make sure we have a 'united front'. Even if it requires you and your spouse working it out ahead of time, you REALLY need to make rules and BOTH stick to it. If you don't, I can promise you it will come back to bite you later on.

Kids will play both parents off of each other and will use any excuse to get out of 'rules'. It doesn't make them bad- just kids, learning how far they can go and how rules work. By undermining your 'everyday' rules, your partner is teaching your daughter that A) she doesn't have to listen to mama, and B) that 'rules' are meaningless and can be broken whenever she or someone else like daddy, feel like breaking them.

This doesn't seem AWFUL - but tell your husband this: A 3 year old doesn't have the judgement skills to know WHICH rules are a 'big deal' and which are not. So in other words, if he says it is ok to break the 'juice rule' or the 'TV rule' your daughter will not see any difference in also breaking the 'don't cross a busy street' rule or the 'don't talk to strangers' rule. All she is learning is that the CONCEPT of rules is not something she has to obey.

Put it to him like that and see if he 'gets it'. Also, does he want her to go to preschool or kindergarten in a year or two and to think that she does not have to follow 'teacher's rules' like holding hands, staying together, don't push, stay in line, wash your hands, etc?

Kids that young are learning the CONCEPT of rules- and you must be absolutely consistent to make sure she gets that and can be safe and happy in public. All these good and safe kiddie behaviors start at HOME. Your partner totally needs to get over himself and be a better parent and think about the bigger picture of how this stuff impacts his child.

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S.W.

answers from Minneapolis on

When I was a parent the first time around, I thought that every glass of juice/water, and 1/2 hour in front of the TV was a big thing, and worth fighting about. Then I became a parent again at 41, and realized that all of these things are very small and unimportant, and not at all worth fighting about.

The two of you need to talk about what your goals are in raising your daughter, what is important and what is not, what are "rules" and what are "guidelines", and do this when she is not there to hear it. (IMO, the fewer unbendable rules, the better).

I have to agree with your SO, that when he already has given permission for something, it's a done deal. Otherwise, you are continually undermining his authority as a "grown up". This will cause issues in your relationship, and bigger issues in your household as your daughter gets older.

H.V.

answers from Cleveland on

I think the biggest thing here is making sure you both talk about these kinds of things before it becomes an issue. I know that can be hard.
My hubby and I had this problem a lil bit ago.
I didn't care if our son played with the spoons I use to cook with, or my pots & pans. So one night I let him play with some while I was cooking. My hubby came home and got PISSED. Problem was, I didn't know it was a big deal to him. We never discussed it.
So one night we sat down, just the two of us, and went back and forth about the things we agree on & disagree on.
You have to find some middle ground. And you need to be a team.

So the things that I don't agree with, my hubby tries not to do, and vice versa. Unless it's something totally stupid and unimportant :)
Thankfully we agree on most things when it comes to our kids.
There are sometimes though where my hubby loses his temper and, I think, goes too far. He NEVER hurts our kids, just kinda yells a bit too loud.
He's 6'2 and like 250lbs. BIG guy..kinda scares me when he yells lol
I've told him he really has to be careful with that because he is so big; that he doesn't want the kids to fear him.
He's trying really hard to stop and breath when he gets frustrated. :)

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

When my DH and I disagree, I try to decide if it's worth a fight or if it's something we should discuss in private and come to an agreement on. Do you think he's trying to be the "fun guy" or is he trying to "stick it to you"? There's a difference. I would talk to him about some of HIS behaviors (in private) like the necklace thing. He sounds like he's overly permissive when it suits him and overly harsh when it does not.

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