Marriage Falling Apart - McHenry,IL

Ok I think he is also upset about probably parents mostly getting divorced however, I think He needs some individual counseling and soul searching. The I think you derserve better is such a cop out! I would tell him that you love him and you are in this for better or worse, but he needs to get back in the game (so to speak) too. Life moves ! We get older! ask him what he wants in life and make a plan write it down. where do you want to be 1 yr from now? 5 yrs, 10 yrs, personally & professionally! Do it together!

May I suggest marriage counseling and maybe therapy for him? It sounds like he is freaking over his parents and his friends.
LBC

sounds like he is depressed honestly - I think he may need some antidepressants more then anything else!

Well, of course you're not the "same as when you first started dating 8 years ago"! And that's how it's supposed to be. marriage changes, grows, adapts over time.
I realize his mom & stepdad are divorcing but, really, IMHO he sounds like he's acting like a big baby. If anything, divorce bombs going off all around him should make him hold his family closer.
How, exactly does he "treat you" that makes him feel so bad? and if it's that bad, why do you allow yourself to be treated like that?
I'm sorry, sometimes for men it seems like once reality and responsibility kick in, they "need some time"... Really?
If he's interested in "figuring himself out" (for real) ask him if he would like you to help him find a therapist. Otherwise, it's b.s.

Isounds like he has a lot going on and maybe even a few things he has not shared.

I also strongly suggest her find a theraopist AND the 2 of you try marriage counseling.

I know it sounds cliche to suggest it, but I will tell you , it really worked for me and my husband 28 years ago..

Actually after the 3rd session, we told the counselor, we were don and we were getting the divorce. Then my husband and I left and talked about how it was all going to be and then realized we actually did feel we could give it a little more time.. This fall we will have been married 30 years..

I have been to therapy over the years and it has really helped to be able to just purge everything. I did not have to worry about hurting any feelings, about protecting anyone and I could just say things out loud to someone and ask their opinion with out it being so personal..

It has saved my sanity..

You should also encourage your husband to have a total physical even have his testosterone checked.. Men go through their own MENopause.. but no one ever speaks about it.. Instead it called middle aged crazies.. Or Midlife crisis.. Your husband sounds like he may be suffering a little from this..

It definitely sounds like you can work it out. I do not think you should ask him to move for awhile. I think that would be a really bad move. I think you should go to marriage counseling together either from a licensed therapist or even through your Church (if you go to one). All marriages have their ups and downs. I've been married for 10 years and with three kids, we definitely don't spend as much time together as we need to, don't talk enough, get stressed out easily...this is normal. It doesn't mean we need to get divorced. We both realize that this is normal for this time in our lives. We look forward to spending more time together as the kids get older and are less needy of us 24/7. We just decided to make a commitment to going out for a date night once a month. It will be something we can look forward to. Best wishes to you!

I think you need to give him a reality check.

You and he are NOT the people you were 8 years ago... before marriage, before a child, etc. He needs to accept that and move on with what you both are NOW.

He needs to see a counselor, he sounds depressed and much of it may be due to all the break-ups happening close to him. He may even need medication.

You need to stop trying to carry his personal burden on your shoulders. Just because he's having amid life crisis where he realizes he's not the man he wanted to be (as a husband, employee, Father, etc) doesn't mean YOU have to try and be the sole person to help him feel better about himself - that is something HE needs to work towards.

It sounds like a hiccup. I mean marriage is tough but to give him space or have him move out is only going to create more distance in my opinion. I think that if you want to make it work you have to be there for him. He need his wife. And you need your husband. Of course you both have change it's been 8 years...make your marriage a priority & seek some help. Maybe a couples retreat? or a mini Vacation if possible. You are a team & need to stick together through thick & thin & pray that thing will get better. I know my husband has gone through similar feelings and I try my best to make him feel loved & special. Try simple things like classical music, candles, Tea for relaxation after a long day, something that will be relaxing for a minute. Hope this help & dont let your marriage fall apart. Family is priceless :)

You have gotten a ton of great responses of support. Thinking that your marriage might be ending is truly one of the most difficult things to have to figure out. I hope that you and your husband will figure a way to work things out and soon.

Like some of the other Momma's have said, it sounds like a hiccup but these types of "hiccups" can have serious complications. While I don't have experience with this, I know that a lot of guys have second-thoughts, years after the wedding. This is normal but to your hubby, he feels alone. I worry for you that he is pushing you away. My hubby and I recently went through counseling and it helped a ton. Marriage is hard, being parents is even harder. Things are never the same but they grow. Divorce is almost never the answer and the grass is always greener. The truth of the matter is that you end up right where you started, only with a different person and some different problems. Oh and a lot of drama and extra expense. You guys love each other and are friends. Stay focused on that and see if your man won't try counseling, either separately to work his issues out or together. Maybe a vacation with just the two of you would be helpful too?

Good luck. Hope you can figure things out.
N.

Truthfully...I think your husband has the 7 year itch. I think marriages are tested during this period (around 7-8 years), because 3 years ago I wasn't sure what was going to happen either. He didn't want a divorce and neither did I. I felt we were still compatible, but he decided to leave and live with his buddy. I thought for sure eventually he would divorce me, but I guess the distance grew the heart fonder, and decided to come back AFTER 3 YEARS. It shocked me, because he came back as fast as he left. At the time he left, we had money problems which I think contributed to his leaving. Things are great, and I think it made our marriage better. Truthfully...I did lose some patience and thought to leave, because it was hard for me and the kids. He grew up alot and he is actually better now than when he left. I might be more patient than other women, but it paid off when we lived our own lives for awhile.

I'm just going to agree with the other mamas. I've been married for 11 yrs and it's tough! It's not all the hormones and amazing newness of dating. You see each other at your worst all of the time - not just your best. Especially now that you have a child, there is less time for the two of you. DH and I are struggling with the fact that we don't have any time for each other since I work FT and he has a business and our 4 yr old DD is very intense and desirous of our attention. This has made us feel more like distant roommates than lovers.

Do you take the time to go on a date with each other? Even taking an evening at home after your DD goes to bed can be a nice date, but definitely get out some. Flowers, kind notes, they all bring more appreciation.

I will admit though, even though I know all of these things, we are not doing them and we are both really stuck in a rut sick of nearly everything in our life. It sounds like your husband is thinking about only your marriage as what to change or leave, but maybe it's also his job or needing to have a hobby. Something to enjoy. You need this too.

It's wonderful that you are both committed to making this work, that's what will stand the test of time.

H.

I'm with M. R. on this although most of the opinions are pretty much in line with what I'm going to offer.

Your husband is going through a bit of a realization that things are not as they were almost a decade ago. You have more responsibilities and more things binding you together. Sometimes it can be overwhelming, but what he needs from you is assurance that you love him and that you are committed to the marriage. Unless the "way he's treating you" is physically abusive, I see no reason why he should leave your home. Let him know you want to be with him, remind him that you get excited when his number pops up on caller id, show him your excitement when he comes home from wherever he's been, plan some husband-wife time and re-discover yourselves.

After almost 22 years of marriage, I'm thinking that my husband needs reassurance, too. This is a good wake-up call for all of us to make sure our partners feel loved, valued, and treasured. Good luck, M.!

I recommend counseling if that is something you are both willing to do, there are a lot of places that will work on a sliding scale or with your insurance to help you with the cost, maybe even a session with a pastor or church leader may help. personally I'd avoid the friends that are going through Divorce for a while, that can make it worse, try to spend time with couples that are together, spending time with people in crisis can make it easy for him to jump on their bandwagon so to speak. Also consider the option that he may be having an issue with depression, and may need temporary medical intervention, I took antidepressants for about 6 months one time (postpartum) and it really helped! but usually when I get to feeling "down" I can just do counseling and that takes place of antidepressants. if he truly is afraid of becoming like his dad, then that sounds like a counseling issue that he may need help to see that he can break the cycle and stand on his own strengths. Hang in there, this will be a slow change/process.

Take a deep breath. Take another deep breath. Things can work out.

Sounds like your husband is going through some stuff and that some of it doesn't have anything to do with you. This IS the time for you to get into therapy so that you can take care of yourself, take care of your child, and allow him to take care of himself. Trust me. This is the time to get into therapy. Call your insurance company to get referrals for a therapist in your area.

You guys will be just fine.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Marriage is hard!

Since you guys have already had problems and are still on the mend, try not to let the struggles of other marriages affect how you/your hsuband see yours right now.

If you both can say you both love each other, then SOMETHING IS STILL THERE!!! Can you do something out of the ordinary for even a short time, to get out of the rut he feels he's in? Learn something together - dance class, language class, pottery class? Maybe you just need a jolt to boost you guys back on the road to healing - find a coloring book and color pictures for each other, read books to each other, have a food fight!

hth and may your day be full of blessings.

This has 7-year itch written all over it, or 8-year itch, as the case may be! DO NOT ask him to move out, and DO NOT take the advice of those who are divorcing. Divorce is contagious. A marriage is long-term, and there will always be seasons of lack between the times that are easy and fun.

Try this website: http://www.caringformarriage.org/

The writer is Christian, not sure if that's a big turnoff for you--but the advice is not often focused on that angle alone. Sign up for the marriage-moats email, too. It's a little daily writing about caring for your marriage.

I think counselling would be a really good idea, if he'll go. He sounds pretty confused. If he's that worried about becoming like his dad, there must be some baggage there that he would benefit from dealing with in a healthy way.
Very best wishes for your marriage!! :)

Briefly looking through, sounds like you've already gotten great perspectives. Just thought I'd say that having been married 10 years so far, I now get why I would hear that somewhere around the 7th year of marriage is the toughest. We sure had a year around then that I definitely could have done without! lol But we trudged through the hard times and things got so much better. Sounds to me too like your husband is going through some depression and that some counseling would be excellent to look into for the sake of both of you and your family. Life is hard!! Keep your commitment to one another as you have and things will get better. I'm reading a book now that's talking about the different types of love in marriage...not only romantic love, but enduring love, sharing love, attentive love, sheltering love, etc. Neat perspective that makes sense. Love isn't always the awwed feeling we think of with love. Sometimes love is hanging on by the seat of our pants and making it through tough times to get back toward the adoring love. Best wishes to you!!

I'm not an expert, but it sounds to me like you guys are in a slump. Marriage is a loooonnnng time, and there are ups and downs. If it were me, I'd try to just stick it out, because you'll come through this and it will be good again. In the meantime, you could try counseling, and try doing some kind of an "exciting" date once in a while - skydiving or going to a whole new area of town for dinner or something different and outside the box so you'll have different stuff to talk about and bond over. Might also want to look into anti-depressents or at least some St. John's Wort for your hubby. Good luck!

If anyone says they have the same relationship they have with their partner 8 years later (after having thrown in jobs, mortgage, kids, etc.) they're lying.

Relationships are dynamic and they are meant to change and adapt over time.

You guys have probably hit a point in your life where it might be like "now what?", especially if things are stable but stale. We spend so much time in our 20s working toward finishing the education, getting the job, advancing in the career, getting married, building the family, having a home...and then once we achieve the goals things can feel a little empty and boring. I think everyone goes through this one way or another. It is how you adapt to this that will keep your relationship alive.

I would say schedule a vacation, just the two of you. Have some time together to do something different, fun, without the responsibilities of the kids/house/job where you can focus on each other. This might be a good opportunity to rediscover who you are and start setting goals/plans for the rest of your life together.

I am sorry for your hardship...I hope you can work things out. I think he needs to stop comparing everyone else's problems and making them feel like his are the same. Children can change the time you & husband spend together. It is not the same as before. But you must make time. What if he moves into another bedroom in the same household? I had a friend who did this & it spiced things up for her & her husband. Never hurts to try...good luck!

I've had two boyfriends tell me that I deserved better and they were both right. My therapist at the time told me that, when someone says that to you, believe him. In these situations, however, I was only dating the guys, not married to them, and I can't tell you to just walk away from your marriage. I don't mean to scare you, but both of these guys were cheating on me. However, this is only MY experience. AND, these relationships were only for ten months and two years. AND, they both told me from the beginning that they didn't deserve me--it didn't come up after eight years.

Before he moves out would he consider counseling, by himself and with you? Maybe he is depressed and it's undiagnosed. Sounds like he is really down on himself.

Marriage is a marathon and I hope he gets the help he needs for your families sake. All the best.

I am so sorry for your heartache. I would not accept him moving out especially if you have a daughter. That wouldn't send her a good message. As long as you are able to be respectful to each other in front of your daughter then I would ask him to stay at home. When you accept him moving out then you are opening another door for him and giving him free reign to have freedom to do whatever he wants because believe me you will not have the time to check out what he is doing since you are busy with your daughter. I have several brothers & I am no expert but I think if you seperate then either one of you will act seperated and then could end up meeting someone else. And some men, not all will think it's okay to go out and act like a single man, which in reality will not give him time alone to think. It will just confuse him more & make your situation worse. I think what's going on with his parents has some influence in his confusion, but you need to assure him that the two of you are NOT his parents and can make things work if he really loves his/your family. I am sure you have tried this already.....but, maybe wear sexy lingerie for him or go do some things he likes to do together, pretend you are strangers and go out on a date together or just try new things. Maybe that can rekindle things. Best wishes

It sounds like neither of you really wants to get divorced so it would be silly for you to do so because your husband thinks he's unhappy (unless there's some(one) else that is making him think that, but that is a totally different issue that I hope you don't have. If this was the case, you would probably know or at least have a feeling..). I would say you DEFINITELY need alone time together ASAP; it's very likely you have lost touch with the you's that each of you fell in love with. (I thought you said something about kids but it looks like you didn't. If you do have any kids, it's so very easy to lose track of each other.) He may very well be freaking out because of things in his past and present as well, like you mentioned. Anyway I hope you guys can figure it out - Bless you and good luck to you!

Good advice here...some time alone or perhaps some counseling?

I've been married 14 years....we've had our ruts...my parents have been married 54 - they've had "ruts"...it's ALL in HOW you deal with it.]

There are times when we all deserve better. The fact that he recognizes the fact is a good thing...

It is my opinion that you cannot depend upon anyone else for your happiness...You need to love and respect yourself in order to have someone else love and respect you.

You are NOT the same people you were when you started dating 8 years ago. Life events happen that change you and your view or perspective. I know I'm not the same person that my husband married 14 years ago.

With all the other changes going on in his friends and family's lives - it could be that...however, I would HOPE that it would bring him closer to you not further away...

I understand your confusion. If you are looking to spice things up - kiss him - and I mean KISS him when he walks in the door from work...but remember YOU can't do ALL of the work - marriage is like a garden - it needs to be tended to every day lest weeds grow.