Marriage - Moreno Valley,CA

Wow, you sound really overwhelmed. Me and my family live in Monrovia CA, do you live close to me? I have 2 kids 9yr boy and 15mth girl, I'm 30 and have been engaged for a year. Maybe we could get together and have coffee and talk. I'm a president of a moms group in Monrovia that offers support. Here is my email address ____@____.com. I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I too have gone through some pretty tough times so maybe I can help.

S.

P., my heart ACHES for you after reading this. On the other hand, YOU are WOMAN; you are the BACKBONE of your home. You have more power than you could possibly know, right now.

The problem is not the current situation. The problem is building an unstable foundation (but you can fix it). Sometimes stress drives a married couple closer, sometimes it drives them apart. I'm so sad for you that the wrong response has happened - for both of you and on both your parts. Instead of finding comfort in one another, you've each run your own direction to escape. Under stress, the truth of who you are and what you've built, will show - as it is. You DO sound like Supermom, on the surface. But he's crying out, "Fix ME," which you CANNOT do. The part of your giving "obligatory" sex is upsetting to think about. Not only is that cheating yourself, it's cheating him. It's almost like a "one-up," on your part - which he might resent. I think sex is a by-product of the relationship, not the other way around. Unless sex is a mutual need/genuine expression, I would hold off and really get honest with him. By getting honest with him, I mean I would start with letting him know how sad you are that the two of you are essentially spiritually "separated" and grieving independently, rather than trusting one another for support. I would tell him how SORRY you are, that you've been so enmeshed in in your own pain and have possibly neglected his own emotional needs. Starting with an "I'm sorry I . . ." really does wonders in gaining some initial trust to open a conversation with.

He sounds angry. And under anger is FEAR. To find out what he's afraid of, you're going to have to earn his trust. He doesn't mean to discount you, I'm sure. I think those comments are simply a reflection of his own feeling of helplessness. I hope you are embracing of a man's vulnerability; he'll need to be able to show that to you and know that you still think of him as your "Hero." Anger turned inward is "depression," which YOU are falling into. Don't direct anger at one another. Anger is a "cheat" move. It's always covering a deeper, more difficult emotion. And - you're right: DON'T act out of spite; that's completely self-defeating and unforgivable in your children's eyes.

You both owe it to your daughters to humble yourselves and try your best. And I think every wife (with the exception of those in abusive, addictive or adulterous marriages) has the power to change her marriage.

Hi, P.,

You certainly are dealing with a tremendous amount of stress right now. I am most concerned about the possibility that it sounds as if you might be or are starting to experience a depression. Having a baby in the NICU is certainly a stressor and risk factor that can lend itself to the development of postpartum depression, as does severe stress, tension, and non-support within your marriage. This is NOT your fault, you are NOT alone in experiencing this, and you WILL get through this with proper support!

I am also concerned about some of the advice being given to you here. I know all of it comes from a good place in everyone's heart here, however, the messages that attack your husband's character and paint him as the embodiment of evil in your marriage are not going to help you figure out how to mend the relationship. Those messages are only going to serve to drive a further wedge between you and your husband and will make it all that harder to bridge! Some of this type of advice seems to come from a place of the writer having been burned before, but that is the experience of that writer, and I want to emphasize that everyone's experience is different. Don't let someone's past frustration and pain guide your actions with your husband! My fear is that type of advice will only further hurt you when it further damages your marriage!

I agree with those that suggested you seek out a therapist to talk to, especially to provide you with support and alleviate the depression you seem to be experiencing. I also suggest you discuss how your feeling (tired, crying often, overwhelmed, etc.) with your OB/GYN who is KNOWLEDGEABLE about the treatment of postpartum depression (PPD), IF that is in fact what you are experiencing (be careful, though, in my experience, both personal and professional, not all OB/GYNs are up-to-date with the best practices information about the treatment of PPD!)

I particularly recommend couples counseling as a strengthened marriage will help both you and your husband deal with this stress and this will benefit your daughters. The strength of a family unit is dependent on how strong the parental and spousal unit is. Marriages take two to tango and both sides have a piece of the puzzle. In doing couples therapy, I ALWAYS inevitably discover that both partners have a valid persective of the marriage, in different ways. Your husband also appears to be experiencing tremendous stress, however, he seems to be turning it outward onto you rather than dealing with it, while you are taking it on and turning it inward unto yourself. The two of you need to come together and talk about this, not the surface issues of who is completing what chores, etc. Don't let this go on any longer without a chance for the two of you to begin to address BOTH of your thoughts and feelings about what is going on, because the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to mend this chasm between the two of you. I am sure you already intuitively know this!

I am a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. I am also the SoCal Outreach Coordinator for Postpartum Support International. ***You can check out their website at www.postpartum.net

Please call if you are interested in seeking some referrals for therapists in your area who are experienced with issues such as these and who are trained and knowledgeable about postpartum issues. I specialize in treatment in this area (please see my website below), and I also know of other fantastic and EXPERIENCED therapists in this area who also specialize in these issues that I can refer you to.

Sincerely,
S. M. Wolf, MFT
www.SandyMWolf.com
____@____.com
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My gosh... you have all of our support here in your request i'm sure. Your husband MAY be acting like that because he knows of no other way to deal with all these problems. It's 'escapism." I would be feeling the same as you, if my Husband reacted that way. CHEERS for you and how you are setting a WONDERFUL example for you other daughters... .you're right, you ARE doing the best you can AND a GOOD mother on top of that. YOU need to perhaps seek counseling... your husband as well, to learn coping skills and just WHAT his part is in all this. Remember.... a husband and a father is just that... BOTH roles at the same time... your husband is NOT participating in his family, and he is not being the "LEADER" in the family... thus, he is just a Husband and Father in title. That is something that sometimes men have to realize... being a Father and Husband takes courage AND BEING THERE, in actions too, not just another body in the house. Not just being a Father and Husband by default, or in title alone. Try not to take his criticizing to heart... YOU know that you ARE better than that. Is there any way you can get some relative or friend to help you out??????? Come to your house and just be there to help out around the house etc.???? If your husband asks why, just tell him because you are like a "single parent" and you need help... you have 4 daughters and a baby in NCIU, and so you are taking matters into YOUR own hands... and doing what you need to to survive and take care of your family. That YOU are the only one of the "adults' in the family that is ACTIVELY doing something as a Parent AND a spouse. Then just go about your business. If he complains, tell him that he is not a participating member in the household, so he 'forfeits' his right to criticize. UNLESS he ACTIVELY participates in the runnings of HIS household and children... you are doing what you need to. He needs to "act" like a parent and a husband. It's not a "free" service that you have to provide for him. Being a Husband and father requires action. Tell him that he has to be a part of the SOLUTION...not be a part of the problem. It's HIS family too... and YOU are his wife. Tell him he has no right to criticize you, unless he walks in your shoes AND participates in the JOINT runnings of your home and family. Get people to help you, friends, family... it will ease your stress AND show him that you WON'T be his "victim' of circumstance and that YOU are your own person. AND that you are doing a WONDERFUL job. If anything... PRINT all of these responses AND show it to him. What you are doing is not easy... but you are rising to the occasion and being a STRONG role model for your children... always remember that... you ARE doing a GOOD JOB, under the circumstances. YOUR husband needs to get a clue. It is not fair. It even verges on "neglect." I don't blame you for being so upset about this. Hugs and may you take care and be blessed...
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

Is he working on the computer or playing? If it's your income, than there has to be some understanding but if he's just doing whatever he wants to AVOID responsibility and IGNORE his family, than maybe you should have a serious talk with him and tell him exactly how you're feeling. I would also go to your family doctor and see about getting on some anti-depressants. It would be quite reasonable for someone in your situation with the baby in the hospital for an extended period of time to be clinically depressed. Your daughters need your husband as an example too, as the type of man he is is the type they will seek out for a relationship later in life. Please don't feel solely responsible for their upbringing or how they "turn out." You might also want to consider marriage counseling. There may also be a support group you can find for parents with children in at he hospital for extended periods of time. One more thing, please work on your own self esteem issues. Just because he says you're not doing enough, doesn't make it true. You should consider it IF there is any truth to it though. It is possible you're so depressed you're not the same and you don't see it but others do. Maybe you can talk to someone that knows you both and see if they have noticed a big change in you and/or how you spend your days. I feel like he should be more supportive. Was he like this before the baby was sick? Has he always been like this? Those are some questions to ask yourself. If so, he probably won't understand why you were so accepting before and aren't now. The main thing is to find some support for yourself. Trying situations put strains on even the best of marriages. It's OK to cry, but please think about getting some temporary anti-depressants. It really did help me when I was so terribly sad going though a divorce 9 years ago.

hey P.,
So sorry to hear about what is going on right now. I have a background in psychology and worked as a therapist for years. If you don't currently have a good therapist, i would encourage you to find one. When you are going through such trauma in life it can be VERY effective and helpful to have an outside person to go talk to that is there just to support YOU and YOU SO DESERVE it! The fact that you have a child in the NICU is HUGE and you and your husband could each probably use some extra special care alone as well as together. It is totally natural that at a time like this the marriage would be tested. I just hope you do get the support that you need. Best of luck to you!
S.

Hi P.,

I am sooooo sorry to hear about your baby being in the hospital / NICU. A girlfriend of mine and her husband have a 25 day old baby in a similar situation. Fortunately, he is fitting for his little life but initially he was given 12 hours to live. :( The NICU is a scary place to be. I wish your daughter a full, speedy and healthy recovery.

My name is A. Blackett and I am a Marriage and Family Therapist, Intern. You are definitely in between a rock and a hard place with your situation. It is a horrible thing to feel like you do not do enough and even worse to be told that.

If there is anything I can help you with and/or if you are interested in setting up a time to meet, please do not hesitate to call. I offer free phone consultations and my office is in Rancho Santa Margarita.

Respectfully & Best wishes
A. Blackett, MA
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You definately sound overwhelmed and sad. I understand your feelings very well. You don't feel appreciated and have all this stress on top of everything. Well, I thing many mothers go through this. Let me tell what you what I have learned. Your happiness does not depend on anyone but you. You can only do what is within your reach and prioritize, if your husband doesn't understand, oh well, he will see it in the long run. I don't know if you believe in God, but I do and He is everything to me. I seek him in prayer and pray to him and feel such peace in my heart. I also advice you to seek prayer, read a bible. I recommend psalm 23, 121 and 46. They are of great comfort. I will say a little prayer for you. Hang in there.

I have a million pieces of advice I could give but I don't think advice is going to help you today. So I will just tell you that I have prayed for you, your baby, your well children, your husband and your marriage today. I think if you have a church or temple there are probably people there who could councel you as well. Hang in there. I'm sorry to hear of your tough situation.

hi P.- i know exactly how you feel and it makes me so sad. i went through a period of time when i was very depressed about my life. i often wondered "is THIS it?? is this how the rest of my life is going to be??"

it's obvious that your husband has not watched all 4 children by himself for at least a full day. he may not want to, but he NEEDS to. it is the only way he will ever understand what you go through on a daily basis.

do you get away to do something just for you? even if it's only for 1 hour, it helped me to do something completely unrelated to my kids or my family. sometimes i would get a pedicure, and sometimes i would buy my favorite drink, sit in my car and cry! the point is, everyone needs "me" time. every little bit helps you re-charge so you can enjoy your family again.

i know it's tempting to do things to show your husband what a bad wife is really like. don't do it. don't hurt yourself or your marriage just to prove a point. it's not worth it.

surround yourself with encouraging girlfriends who will help you remember that YOU ARE A GREAT MOM! good luck, P.!

Hi P.,

The way that you feel is totally understanding, having a sick child can be very hard for any parent but if you just keep faith that your baby will get better she will. Keep doing what you're doing because you taking care of everything the dinner, your girls, sex when he wants, staying thin, housework, to me that is being super mom and once your baby gets well you will also be super mom to her too. Have you tried talking to your husband? Tell him exactly how you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with you going out and spending some time with your friends. You don't have to be clubing or doing anything crazy like that, even if you just go out for a drink or dinner. That is actually good for you to get away. You shouldn't feel bad if you do that stuff. and sometimes crying it out makes you feel good. I don't know if I was much help but just so you know there are a lot of mothers out there that are going through the same thing you are and all you have to do is keep your head up.

Dear P.,
Four years ago (9/3/03) I was in the same situation as you. My daughter Jadalyn was born at St. John's Pleasant Valley, then whisked immediately away to St. John's Oxnard and the following day flown via helicopter to Children's Hospital Los Angeles where she stayed in the NICU for 2 1/2 long months. She was born with a chromosome abnormality and therefore many and life threatening problems. I had a cesarean and was not even able to be there for the first few days of her life as I was in the hospital myself. Once I was out of the hospital and able to visit her that was all I did. She was my only child. I developed complications due to my cesarean wound and had to go back and forth to Camarillo each day for treatment so I was not able to be there with her the first month as much as I would have wished. It is one of the most difficult experiences I ever went through, the NICU that is! My husband was not supportive at all as he was dealing with his own issues. It has a been a rocky road for us the past four years with lots of major ups and downs. I have been in and out of therapy, as needed for my healing and my sanity. My husband would not go. I wish you all the best. I do not have any advice per se, except to get as much help as you can with your daughters, seek professional help yourself and know there are people out here in cyberspace for you!

Hi P., (That's my name too!)
I am so sorry that you are experiencing soooo much sadness, pain, disappointment and frustration... I hope your daughter will be okay... I'm sure she will. Modern technology is wonderful and Dr.'s are so much more educated and experienced. Don't lose your faith.
As with your husband, you need to talk to him... Remember he is on your side. He is the partner you chose for life.. Tell him how YOU feel and how overwhelmed you are... Ask him for specific things, i.e. Honey can you please put the dishes in the dishwasher? Tell him that you really miss spending time with him... Tell him how much you want him to share things with you... Let him know that you are on his side...
You also may want to go seek some professional help... Maybe someone to talk to or a dr. that could help you through (medication)the really hard times you are going through now.
I hope this helped! Keep on believing!

Dear Pam,
I found your message compelling and felt that I had to reach out. I know that you do not feel like the strong one in the family, but you are. Your husband handing his feelings by burying them. Do you have any family or support system? Time to call out for help to your loved ones. Is there anyone who can talk to your husband? You are a brave woman Pam, and a great example for your daughters. How old are they? Are they old enough to talk to and explain things? I would also encourage you to write things down and maybe even compose a letter to your husband, regardless if you give it to him.
Please write back and let me know how you are. I will be thinking of you.
Warmly,
M.

well i must say that i have been where you are before. im sorry that you are going thru all of this when your baby is sick. i hope she gets better soon. if you need someone to talk to; i would be more than happy to listen. i know it helps to have someone listen. please look up my profile and email or call me anytime.

Hi P.,

It sounds like you need definitely need a friend to talk to. I just sent you a pm...

P., YOU GO GIRL! Don't let anyone tell you that you are not doing enough. That should be a testament to how good you are. You do things so well and get things done so fast, that your husband doesnt even see them getting done. People dont appreciate what is being done, unless they have to take care of it. You are very efficient and very strong. And you have the right idea...being a good role model for your daughters no matter what. I will pray for you and your daughter. Hope she is home soon. Good luck!

your husband does probably realize how much you do and that he does nothing for the family and he wants to keep it that way. by criticizing you, he is trying to shift the focus so that you won't be able to criticize him. he is criticizing you for the exact things he knows he is doing wrong to trick you into feeling badly about yourself and continuing to do everything and not be able to ask him to do anything more. anytime you ask him to do more, he will just turn it on you so he can get out of his responsibilities. don't be fooled, he is just being manipulative because he is lazy and wants you to keep waiting on him hand and foot.

1) if you confront him, he will just deny it and turn it back on you so probably there is no point
2) just don't answer him when he makes those comments. walk away. focus on your relationship with your daughters who do appreciate you and your baby who needs you right now. don't let your husband make you feel badly about yourself when he is really just trying to trick you. you are obviously a very nice person who is spread too thin. one person can only do so much

i felt so sad for you when i read your email because it seemed that you are letting him make you feel badly about yourself. you need to believe in yourself... you know what is right and that you are a good person. his opinion doesn't matter... he is only trying to trick you, he knows exactly what he is doing but doesn't want you to figure it out.

you just have to ignore him and if he ever wants to have a loving relationship he will have to change, but I wouldn't count on it. just say, "i'm not going to listen to you if you are going to criticize me. if you have something positive to say then let me know." or "I'm not going to participate in this type of conversation. You are just criticizing me so that I won't figure out you are really the one doing all of the things you accuse me of." -walk away if he keep saying negative things or if you can't get away then just think about something else in your mind and don't really listen to what he is saying. then when he is done, just don't answer and walk away. you don't have to participate in those types of conversations because it just makes you feel badly about yourself and it is just a manipulative trick which he shouldn't get away with

I really feel for you. I just want you to know that in time things would get better. As you said do not do anything that would strain your marriage and family. I hope your little girl recovers soon and I wish you the best.

Hey pam...I kinda know what you are feeling from a different point of few...6 days after i had my youngest daughter i was back in the hospital...i found out that i had congestive heart failure...i thought i was going to die...all i could think about was my girls..sad as it is..not my husband except for how well was he holding down the fort and my girls...all he thinks about is his sports...us mom's know that what we do can not be compared to any other job in the universe...God will be there to take care of your baby..you need to make sure that you are there for the other girls...it took me telling my husband that i wanted a divorce before he finally saw that what he was doing was wrong and that family is the most important thing...life is too short to not enjoy what we have been given...you really need to let your husband know what is on your mind...that is the only first step there is to fixing the problem....remember that you are not alone...whether it's loved ones or strangers...we all understand what is going on....and I have sent out many prayers for your baby girl and God willing he will take care of her...God Bless and take care..

I'm very sorry to hear about your baby in the hospital and then everything else on top of that. From everthing that I've read, you sound like a very strong woman for being able to stick things out for quite some time. When it comes to your husband, I can relate to that. My husband was the same way (always on the internet) until one day I told him that if he doesn't start spending time with me and his son, one day we won't be there when he comes home. I told him that all I want is for us to be a close family and be more involved. All I want from him is to love us even more and start showing it. The thing is, I waited so long to finally tell him how I felt that it came down to an ultimatum. Now, my husband and I are doing well. Every now and then I have to remind him to get off the computer so he can spend time with his son. Tell him to get off that computer and tell him why he has to. Tell him that he can still have his time on the computer, he just needs to limit that because you need your time too. Tell him how you feel. Don't keep it bottled up inside or you'll blow up one day. Don't let him tell you that you aren't doing enough. Leave him with the kids one day and lets see how he feels. I don't think he'd like it very much because he won't have time to be on his computer. Anyway, you are a strong woman and even though I don't know you, I know you can get through this. If he really loves you and your children, he will have to listen to what you have to say. If he doesn't want to listen, then who wants to stay in a marriage where the communication is only a one way street? Just talk to him. If you keep crying yourself to sleep, you'll slowly break down and you may not be able to be there 100% for your children. Talk to him and see what happens. Take care.

Hello P.,

I know that mother and wifes are so under uppreciated, and we do so much more than the eye can see. Even when we are exaused we find energy and time for our kids and husband. Only other mother and wifes know the weight that is on your shoulders especially with having a little one at the hospital.
Hang in there and I will pray for all of us mothers for God to give us strenght.
Pray to God and he will give you what you need, I would also like to suggest, that you talk to your husband. Make a list of the items that you take care of, and let him know that you do not understand his meaning of not doing enough. (You know, this provably has to do with him, he wants you more to himself) Make him realized that if you did not have so much to take care of my yourself, there would be more time for you (us). I know that it is difficult to just sit with them when you have a 1000 and 1 things to do. And I always feel my children are more important than my husband, they need me more, But someone once told me that if the husband and wife are happy they children will be happy.

Hang in there and speak up dont feel you have to do everthing.

C.