Making It Work After the Affair

Dear D.--Sounds like you're having issues with forgiveness. If your husband is truly sorry for his behavior and wants to work it out with you, I would seek advice from your pastor or a sister in Christ who has experienced the same thing.

My story is a bit different, as I was the one who had multiple affairs when my husband and I had been married about the same amount of time as you. That was before the Lord saved me, and I am so thankful that my husband was willing to give me another chance. Thanks to him, we have been married almost 38 years now and are so happy together. He had a LOT of forgiving to do, and he was more than willing to do it--to his credit. You know, as Christians, we are called on by God to model the same behaviors that Christ displayed while He was here. Forgiving others was a HUGE part of His behavior--after all, that's why He came!

I would encourage you to seek counseling. My husband and I attended a Marriage Encounter weekend, and it worked wonders for our marriage after all the hurt that had taken place between us. It taught us how to resolve our differences fairly, how to learn to trust each other again, and how to get back to the closeness that we shared when we were first married.

I hope this helps you. There is definitely hope for your marriage. A lot of soul-searching, crying and forgiving has to take place, though. As the Lord to help you--HE IS FAITHFUL.

S.

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Hey there
I know you are going through a lot! I have not been there, but close, I found my husband had a thing on the computer, called "adult space" I didn't know about it, but I went on the computer and saw that up, and his ID pic was his "boy part" and I was on there he was saying to someone "lets hook-up". that was just after I had our 2nd kid (3yrs ago) then just before mothers day this year (after my 3 kid being born she was 1) he lied about going to a strip club, his called just before going in saying something like his phone was dying and he was driving and wont be home till 8. Then his phone called me back from his pocket and I totally heard him talking to a stripper for like 15min till it cut off!
So as a good christian woman I forgave him when he asked and moved on, figuring nothing Physical happen. But last month I snapped, I couldn't get a hold of him one saturday he had to work (work is in Austin-1hr away) and he worked over time, he wasn't answering his phone and I just instantly thought he's cheating. So we had a big fight, how do you trust someone that you can't trust! As much as I want to, that is all in the back of my head! I almost left! We have not been as sexual with each other, due to kids and just being tired, so that is a big part of it too.
I am 34, we have been married for 10yrs. It is the hardest thing in life to be married!! So as a christian you totally have all the right to ask for a divorce, since he was the one cheating. In the time he was gone, were you relieved or more sad without him? This is what I had to say, I am not his babysitter, I can't be in his head telling him what to do, I want to be loved because he loves me, not because we have 3 kids and he has to! I am responsible for me, (and my kids) not him, He will have to stand before God on his own! Things are still a little hard for me, but we are working on things by dating again!
So I would really think about things! If he came back, but still had feelings for her - wouldn't that be back where you were before he left? Just because you have his kid, doesn't make a happy ending! Have respect for yourself, take it slow and make him do the work, make him work for your love and respect! What made you fall for him in the first place? Are you going to trust him the next time he's at a show? Focus on the Family has a lot of good books, check out there website! As a woman sometimes we find our ID in our man and kids, not for who we are!! You are a beautiful woman, mother, but you are also D.! What would you do in the old days before kids and marriage? If you were dating him would you stand for cheating? No one can tell you what is the right thing to do and making peace is the best thing....but make this your happily ever after! If its just for the kid, I would rethink things...there is child support...or is he trying to get out of it by coming back? I will pray for you!
T. Cancel
____@____.com

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I know several couples who have overcome adultery and actually had a better marriage afterward. But, it takes a lot of grace. You will have to fight many emotions and truly learn what real forgiveness is. He will have to have much patience and leave no room for any suspicion. You will have to regularly communicate and quickly ask for forgiveness when you have those bad days. Don't ignore things, quickly apologize when you have days of self-pity or resentment and take it out on him. Don't dare let it go or it will only push him away, destroying all the hard work you both will have already done. He will have to cut off, completely cut off any ties to that woman. No email, IM, calls, notes, nothing! If that means, he has to get a court order or even change his career!!!!!!!!! If he is really willing, I would work at it. It won't be easy. I admire you and am so encouraged by your courage and character. We live in an age that marriage is treated lightly, disposable and self-sacrifice is belittled. If you do this, you will be doing the right thing even if it fails in the end (and it doesn't have to). HOLD HIM ACCOUNTABLE - BUT DON'T HOLD IT AGAINST HIM. (And, also, beat this other woman at her own game - don't allow your husband to even have the energy for another woman. Some men are just jerks and have no character. But, some have made poor choices they regret. I'm not saying you're at fault, just giving future advice to combat what you know is already a temptation. Help him overcome by giving no room for the devil. One who is full on beans may want the steak, but just has no room for it.) Don't become controlling or motherly either. Hold him accountable, yes. But, don't nag or keep bringing things up either. I'd be glad to be an ear for you when you are having bad days. It's nice to be able to vent to someone that won't hold anything against you or your husband later on and maybe even give an objective view or the hard advice you don't want but need. Pray hard and do what's right even when all the world is telling you otherwise.

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Let me start off by saying how sorry I am for what you and your kids are having to go through because your husband could not do the right thing and honor his wedding vows. It is not fair for you or your kids. Next, I came from divorced parents. My dad was the one that didn't honor his wedding vows and left us for another women. By the way this women was not the only one at the time that he was messing around with. Now 33 years later they (dad and my stepmom) are still married but notice that I didn't say happily married. Over the years he has messed around on her more then once but in turn she has done the same thing to him. And of coarse that does not make it okay and once a cheater always a cheater.... I have been married to my husband for 24 year and over the 24 years it has been hard but we have both worked to keep it together for our kids, being we both have come from divorced parents we didn't want our kids to go through the same thing. And no matter how hard it has been neither one of us has ventured out and screwed around on each other. Anyway what I am getting at is that once a man messes around on his wife it is more then likely that he will do it again. Think long and hard before you let him back into you and your kids life. The bible does say that the husband is the head of the house and that the wife should honor him but it also says that it is wrong for a man or a woman to have affairs and it also says that this is one acceptable reason for a husband or a wife to divorce the one that has been unfaithful. God does not want you to keep some one that has been unfaithful to you. Jehovah is a loving god and he wants his children to be happy and loving also. What your husband has done is not loving it is a sin. If your husband still loves this woman then how long do you really think that he will stay with you. I know that he loves his daughter but he is a terrible father or he would not have left you and your daughter for another woman and her kids. I can only pray that you make the choice that is right for you and your kids. But if it was me I would leave and never look back because your husband does not deserve a second look. Pray long and hard and think about this before you let him come back home. Do you really want to teach your kids that your husbands behavior is acceptable. Because you could be sending that message to them if you let the unfaithful man come back. I am sorry if I have been hoarse on this subject but my parents divorce and my dad's marriage to my stepmom has been very hard on my brother and I, even now at 47 and 49 years of age it affects us. I will get off my soap box now. I will keep you and your kids in my prayers and pray to Jehovah that he will help you make the right choice. God bless you and good luck

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I whole-heartedly echo Laurie A's response and I, too, believe marriage takes a lot of work and sacrifice. However, he loves you in a "mother of my daughter" way, he loves her in the way you need for a marriage to be successful. Going through the motions of marriage, even with the best of intentions on both sides, is not helpful for your daughter. Not only do you deserve better, but how you handle this situation is going to be a huge life lesson to your daughter. Do you want to raise her to let people use her and treat her as second rate? Your intentions are very admirable, but this will backfire on you. Forgiveness is not trust. You can forgive him and create a life that includes him without taking him back in. That won't be easy either, but that you should do for your daughter. She needs her father in her life; she does not need for you to get steamrolled.

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"He still loves her, but he wants to do the right thing because we have a young daughter. "

That doesn't sound fair to you, and what kind of expectations in men are you teaching your daughter. You deserve to be loved truley and deepely, as very woman should.

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Sorry D. but it seems to me that you have made up your mind that you want him back no matter what anyone says. I can tell you from past experience with a few friends of mine that it will never be the same and more than likely he will do it again. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't have treated you with such disrepect and totally ignored the feelings of his daughter. You get what you ask for and if you take him back you are saying that it didn't really bother you. He knows you will take him back and he has no place else to go, so go back to D. and give her some excuse how he wants to do the right thing. The right thing was not having an affair and not leaving in 2 weeks after meeting her and the right thing is not trying to give you this song and dance of how he loves you but still loves her but he knows it will go away in time. Love doesn't go away in time. It is either there or it is not. I can't help think that you are afraid of being alone and trust me you wouldn't be the first, but you need to hold your head up high and think of you and your daughter and your future. You will never get over his affair no matter how hard you try to tell yourself you will. It will come up again and again whether you think it won't or not. In anger one day he will bring her up and your heart will be broken again. I am sure she won't let him go so easily either and will continue to go see him or call him. One of you will win this loser and it might not be you. I am sorry but I just don't understand how woman can go through this horrible thing and then want the Son of a gun back. For what? I promise you I wish you well but I think you might benefit from some counseling to find out why you want him back. In my life time and I am much older than you, I have only seen one couple who got back together and are still together, but it has never been the same. It seems they are just living together and they were never the same. Their own friends stop coming around as the tension was still there and you could feel it. Most friends felt for her and felt he was a loser and others just felt uncomfortable being around them knowing what had happened and not wanting to get in the middle of anything. Do what you will and only your heart can guide you in the right place but remember adultery is a sin in the Bible. Good Luck to you.

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Hi D.. I have never been in this exact situation, but I have seen many, many couples work through it. One thing I know is that it won't be easy, however; with God's help and guidance it can definitely be restored and even made better than it was before. Of course time is going to play a huge factor. My father and stepmother went through this (it was my stepmother who cheated (repeatedly)). I must say that it took a lot of time and work, but their relationship is at an all time high. I have also seen a couple in my church restored, they had actually gotten a divorce, but the husband returned after his affair and rededicated himself to the Lord and his wife. Their relationship is now on the road to full recovery. There are several other couples I could reference that I know about, but I feel the key factors are 1) your husbands relationship with God 2) His willingness to restore the marriage. I commend you for working on restoring your marriage. It is definitely a tough thing to do and I can only imagine the anguish and hurt that you have had to experience. But lovingly you have showed the forgiveness that Christ has shown to us and surely the Lord will reward you. I pray that your marriage will be restored with full happiness and joy. God works miracles and bless you for allowing him to work miraculously in your life. I pray that it is something that I never have to endure, but if I must, I'm thankful to have a Godly example in a woman like you. Blessings to you and your family.

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I understand people can and do make mistakes, and as Christians we are to forgive. HOwever hard it may be.

But he's saying that he still loves this woman......that tells me that whether she's around or not, she has his heart.

You're the one who supposed to have that from your husband. Not another woman.

Pray, go to counseling, do whatever you feel you're led to do. But as long as his heart is tied to this woman , that would be a deal breaker for me. You're more woman than me, I wouldn't do it.

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I have been married to my husband for almost 30 years, His parents have been married over 50 years, his grandparents almost 78 years.
I believe in marriage.
I believe in fighting for your marriage.
I do not feel good about your situation.

"He still loves her."

That is what I read.
You deserve to be loved and to be the ONLY love.
Your husband has not just made a mistake. He has made a choice.
"He still loves her."

You need to go to counseling.. Go to a religious marriage counselor. Then take your husband. Work on this and give it your all. You need to understand that he has broken your vows. He has broken your family. He has not been faithful to you and you deserve better.
I am sending you strength and clarity.

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D., I know you can do this, but it will take complete honesty on both sides. I think you should find a great pastor that you both trust and have counseling, probably someone with experience in this type of situation would be best. Also, the words, "the family that prays together stays together" are really true, you need to attend church together and pray together, talk to each other, and build new memories, have fun together, and give yourselves time to heal, be patient, and in the end you can have a new wonderful life. Many blessings to you both and I will be praying for you also. Love and prayers, G. Biggi

PS. Date each other and do special things for each other.

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First off you are just so completely awesome for sticking through as long as you have. I am really impressed with your tenacity. The only major red flag is that you say in your post that he still loves her. I mean I love Jesus with all my heart too but working my tail off to save my marriage only to hear that the guy is still in love with someone else sounds like a pretty raw deal. Do you guys know anything about soul ties? What that basically is, is when someone comes into your life and you become deeply emotionally, spiritually or physically connected to them, or connected in all three of these ways. Intimacy creates such a strong bond between people as of course we as wives know. If he is really serious about, and I said HE because he is in for a fight here, then I believe he needs to break all connection with her. He has broken the physical, for the mental he can pray and just say "God I break any soul tie between me and (insert name) and thank you for setting me free from any connection to her" you know or something similar to that. Of course any photos, memorabilia, whatever have to go. He can't see her or talk to her because what happened between then was so deeply wrong that being friends is a ridiculous notion. If you see this kind of fight rise up in him and he really wants to plug in and be your husband and reject what he did as terribly wrong and if you see deep remorse for what he did to you, not just the kids, but you the wife he pledged to love and protect for all time, THEN I think it can work. If he lives in the middle and says I just want to do the right thing but I still love you both, blah, blah, blah then I don't know that it can be saved. I applaud you for sticking through, but you can't fight alone and getting dumped after several years when your daughter is older because he did the "right" thing doesn't seem like a bright future. Scripturally you do have grounds to leave if he continues in this middle ground, of course you are taking such a high road and I know God will absolutely honor you for this and I truly hope your marriage works out and you live happily ever after!:)

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Please know that your family are in my prayers!

***He ended things with her because he wanted to come home. He still loves her, but he wants to do the right thing because we have a young daughter.***

The right thing to do for our children are to lead by example. Good men do not walk out on their families.

If he did it once, it is so possible that he will do it again.

What is his relationship with Christ?

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Hi D.,

Let me share this with you if I may and I will be brief so I don't take to much of your time and just get to it.

Long time ago I was married to this guy who had an affair and I found out about it the day I came home with our son from the hosiptal we had been married for a few years. She had called and told me herself. I new something was going on with him, one minute he loved me and then the next he wasn't sure. We spilt up for a while, got back together and he did again, same woman. Finally I divorced him. I was sick to my heart and had a lot of bitterness not just towards him, but to other men as well. Even after the divorce he wanted to work it out said a lot of things so I tried for a little while, but I couldn't forgive. Some folks can do that and make it work, but at that time I was not one of them because I had not forgiven him truly. It took alot of prayer about 5 years on my part. What I am saying is you have time. Don't do it for the kids, do it because you have taken the time and because you really love each other, not sex, not kids and not because its the right thing to do. There are alot of books out there and helpful ones at that for an example Reduce me to love by Joyce Meyers is a good book. Even though you can read a book and it can be helful to you and if you get him to read it, it may not be for him. Sometimes we really don't know what love is and sometimes its harder than we really realize at least for me it was. And not all answers are in a book. I am still learning. Only you will know the answer, but if you really want it to work put God in the mix and watch the change not only in yourself, but your relationship. It will help if both of you want the same thing, if not it will only make it harder for it to work. God, Patience, hope and love are more than a recipe.
Ask for discearnment and wisdom in this and wait on God, you have nothing to lose by doin so only to gain.
Blessing be with you,
Mrs. C

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Hi D.,
I have taken my husband back after he had many affairs during our marriage. He moved out and wanted to come back. I suggest you be strong, and don't just melt and let him come back on his own terms. I was seeing a Biblical couselor when I was going through this and we set up a list of requests that he needed to meet in order to come back. One of those was to agree to go to Biblical counseling together. He needs to admit his sin to you and ask for forgiveness and be truly repentant. Keep praying for the restoration of your marriage and for God to make your husband a Godly man. Another book you might want to read is "The God Empowered Wife" by K.B. Haught. I will be praying for you and your marriage. Your sister in Christ---M.

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I have to agree with a piece of advice that was already given. You deserve to be partnered to and loved by a wonderful man who puts you and his family first, not someone who has guilt about his daughter after three years of fucking around on you and deserting you. You deserved to be treated like you are a valuable, precious, divine daughter of god, in and of yourself, not because merely acceptable, out of a sense of duty from having impregnated you. His vows are more than broken. It wasn't a one night thing. It wasn't loveless sex, or sexless love, which I think are much more marriage counselor fixable. His devotion lies else where and it is not fair to either of you to sacrifice your life's happiness so that your daughter will have two parents in the same home. She will sense and know something is wrong and it only encourages her to pursue painful relationship with people who don't love and respect her after she becomes an adult.

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Is your hubby still in a band? Does he have a normal job? There may be too much temptation for him in the music business. I took my husband back after he moved in with someone else.....we tried again when he decided to come back....it NEVER worked!! Only you can make that decision, and you may have to find out for yourself. I would say, "don't waste your time!" He threw away 12 1/2 years of marriage in the first place. Do you want to live with a man who has feelings for the woman who broke up your marriage? I'm sorry, but I wish you well. Good luck.

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Hi D.,
It looks to me like you have been getting a lot of good advice from the other Mommys out there. I just have to say that if he still loves her, then he's not going to be putting all he has into a relationship with you. As a christian woman you still have a right to leave him in the bible because he is the adulteror. I just think that is completely unfair to you and your child to have to live in a marraige with a man that hasn't given you his whole heart. You should really think about what this will be teaching your child. That it's ok to be married to a man that still loves another woman, and that a man can just step all over you. I just think you should really think this whole thing through. I understand you wanting to try to make this work, but not if he's still saying that he loves this other woman as well. How is that fair to you. Maybe make him get his own place, and date him and go to counseling with him if that's really what you want. But I would not jump in head first until he is no longer having feelings for this other woman. It's just not fair to anyone that is involved. One day that daughter of yours is going to grow up, and do you want her to see that that's the way life is supposed to be. Living in that kind of marriage. I am so sorry to hear that you have to go through this, but you really need to stop and think through what you are doing for yourself and your children. My God guide you in the right direction.

D. H.

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NO WAY would I let him back into our lives. How do I know he won't trash his family again for someone else? How can you constantly live wondering about the love or his fidelity?

If he really loved you, he would be faithful. Biblical wife sounds like a way to be a subservant woman. What about the biblical man - love, honor, and cherish thy wife? Feelings just don't go away. He disposed of you and the family from the sounds of it. Let him go, get counseling and make YOUR life happy.

How do you even know that she didn't kick him out and now he's going back to you? If his lips are moving he's probably lying.

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Well D. you don't want to hear this but no matter how hard you try or he tries it want be the same.. A old saying from where I come from once a cheater is always a cheater.. Also you'll have it in the back of your mind where he's at and if he's late coming home whats he been doing.. Besides you have lived without him for how long now?? What does the kids think? It's ok to cheat and later come back like nothing happened.. Naw that aint a good example for noone.. Think about it..
Good luck..

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No one can advise you really unless thay have been in your shoes. But as a person who has witnessed this situation a few times, including with my own parents, please let me say this...just my humble opinion. You do your daughter no favors by being a doormat. You deserve 100% of your husband's love and fidelity. If he cannot provide that- he needs to move on and so do you. Divorced (and emotionally healthy)parents can provide plenty of love and guidance to their children. Think about the example you will set for your kid.If it was me, I would want better for my daughter and myself. I feel for you. But there is nothing wrong with admitting it isn't going to work. Life is too short. Take care and good luck.

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Well, it seems like you have your mind made up and you just want some support for staying with your hubby. I too believe that marriage is "till death do us part". Yet, I can't imagine the hurt & feelings of betrayal that are eating you up inside. In any event, I believe that marriage is about raising a family & paying bills. It's really not about love & romance. If most people realized this, there wouldn't be half as many divorces. If my hubby did this to me now while my girls are 8, 6, 2, & 4 months, I would not divorce him. I would stick by his side for my girls sake. However, I do admit that if he did this to me when my girls were older & out of the home, I would probably leave him. Simply because I'd rather spend my Golden Years alone or with someone who wants to be my (and not someone else's) companion. No two marriages are alike & no marriage is perfect. Do what's right for you & get whatever support you need.

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Marriage is not easy in the best of times and these are not the best of times. I don't really know what advise to give you. I would be concerned about the fact that he admitted to you that he still loves her. Before I moved back in together, I would go to counseling together and separately. You will never know for sure if he will do this again but you do know that he did before. You can forgive but forgetting would be difficult. I wish you peace with whatever decision you make.

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D., I just wanted to say that I think you're a very strong woman. I have not been in this situation, but I hope if I am, that I can muster up as much grace as you have right now. I just wanted to share with you that I know someone who has been through this before and they are happier now than I have ever seen...it astounds me because I know most of the horrible details from their past. My best friend growing up's father left her mom with her and 4 siblings to go and live with another woman. He was also physically abusive and an alcoholic when we were kids. He was gone for over a year and then wanted to come back. I thought she was crazy to take him back, but she did and they are just about the cutest couple I have ever seen now (this is 20 years later). He cooks for her and takes care of her. The kids are all grown now, but most of them still live fairly close together and spend a lot of time together. I can't believe how happy this family is now considering the horrifying things I saw when we were younger. All I can tell you is to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! It is a great sign that he wants this because there is no way you could make it work if he didn't. Get yourselves to counseling ASAP and see where God leads you. Read the book and see the movie "Fireproof" if you haven't already. Watch it together. You have a long, hard road ahead of you, but I admire you for being willing to walk it. It can be done, I've seen it, but I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to get there! I will pray for you and your family.

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If you don't do it, will you always regret and question that decision? If you do take him back, both give it your all, and it works how wonderful will that be. Think about what's the worse that could happen and see if you can handle that.
Talk to a counselor...they've probably seen it all and give you advice on both sides of the issue.
Good Luck

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There is an amazing intense weekend workshop called "New Beginnings" put on by a company called family dynamics. It is intense and expensive but totally and completely worth every single penny ever!!!!!! They have scholarships and payment plans etc... and will work with you on the payment thing but that is a drop in the bucket to save your marriage and have you reunite after the affair. It is not about the finger pointing it is about what role each of you play individual in your relationship then and now. You will not be disappointed. Go to your browser and type in New Beginnings and you should be able to find it. I know there is one coming up here in San Antonio in October. Good Luck!

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Wow, D.,
I do think it's possible for someone to love two people. But if he's choosing to 'do the right thing' what I'm concerned about is that she does NOT care about him doing the right thing and will continue to pursue him. She likely was the pursuer to begin with. She left her husband and moved into a new place. She was planning to have a new relationship that has now ended.

If he still loves her but chooses to not have a relationship with her, he absolutely must not speak with her or see her any longer. I know of some people who continue to be "friends" with those they have had an affair with and that is NOT a good idea- there are still 'soul ties' that have not been broken and it only refreshes those feelings.

Counseling is a must. I am in awe of you for trying.

S., mom to 4 Earthly Angels ages 2-6 and 5 Heavenly Treasures, enduring the pain of watching my still young husband and aging father suffer the ravages of cancer.

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D.,
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. I know that you want what is best for your daughter. So I think that you should not take him back. He has betrayed and disrespected you. If you allow him back it will show your daughter that, that is okay. A one night stand might even be forgivable but leaving you and his young daughter is beyond wrong. Plus you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be with a man who loves only you!

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I have never been in your situation, nor do I have any great words of wisdom, but I wanted to say this... I am praying for you. Just remember God's word always works. It is truth and causes all other things to line up with it. Trust the Word, speak the Word, live the Word. And never allow anyone to treat you as weak or ignorant for allowing God to work in what may seem a hopeless situation!! With God there is always hope. What greater way to allow the Glory of God to be manifested in your life... What a testimony you would have!!!

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i am not one that ever will say yeah divorce him. ( i have once beend divorcec but dont belive its right ). as i was reading this thats exactly what i was thinking divorce. but since you are willing to consider working it out ( your stronger than I ) you MUST go seek ouside help. i recomend finding a Christian counceller. it isnt a healthy marriage now but its still a marriage and you both need somone to help put the peices back together and to help with furture arguements. i am so sorry this happened. God bless you and your marriage.

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It sounds as if you have decided what you want and are using "whats best for your daugther" and your religion to shield your decision. Read your post as if it is not you, but a stranger. What would you tell this person? Would you recommend to this person that they reignite a relationship with someone who has their heart somewhere else? Would you recommend that they teach their daughter that this is acceptable? You are right, marriage and families are not disposable. Your husband has already disposed of your marriage in the past. You however, have stuck by your family. How and why did you do it when he was gone? Because you had to. Because your kids needed you. Nothing has changed. They still need you. They need you to teach them to face the world and all the craziness that comes with it. If you want to be loved by someone, start loving yourself first. Realize that you can survive and HAVE, without your spouse. Now, think about what your kids see, not what you tell them, but what the see from example. Do they see a Christian woman trying to salvage her marriage even though the love of another is still in the middle, or do they see a Christian woman who is a doormat? God is with you, whether you remain in your marriage or not, he will hold you up through it all, don't use him or your daughter as a reason to put yourself through misery. God expects you to be good to yourself as well. being Christian doesn't mean sacrificing your own happiness. I think you should take some time with your own counselor. Learn more about yourself, and your own self esteem and your own power and ability. Once you are really on sound ground with yourself, then if you decide to, approach counseling with your husband. I wish you the best of luck.

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It's just like that book He's Just Not That Into You...if he loved you with his whole heart, then he wouldn't be thinking (and especially be in love with) about another woman.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you deserve much more. You are better than that. You need a man who loves you completely...not someone who loves another woman, but is getting back with you because "it's the right thing". You and your daughter deserve WAY more than he's willing to give. YOU make the decision for you and your daughter if your husband is too much of a spineless jellyfish to do it.

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D. I have read all the responses and they are ALL great thoughts, and I believe each one is correct. Most of all get a good, christian based counselor. I have the name and # of one in the north Houston area who is awesome. She said, Marriage is based on three things; like a 3 legged stool, love, trust, & respect. When 1 or more is broken, its a matter weather it can be repaired or built back up. That is where you both are at. Keep praying & looking to God's guidance. Keep strong, as you are, and honest to yourself and him. There are still alot of "ifs" hanging in the marriage.
How is you daughter handling all this? Kids sense much more, and even can have a better grip, than we realize.
Many prayers for you and your family.

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Hi D., get some professional counseling. There are many issues which need to be resolved for you to heal this wound. Peace, C.

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You are a stronger woman than I. I could forgive (b/c it does not bode well for the soul to hold ill will), but I could never forget. Every time he was late, it would make me wonder (and sick all over again) that he was not being faithful. You have to be able to trust your partner and after a blow like the one he dealt you a couple of years ago, I don't know (as a human being) how you could. I know you love him, but the bigger question you need to ask yourself is would you rather live with wondering everyday that your mate is the perfect one for you (and giving his heart only to you) or forgive and find the right person for you and not have the weight of wondering on your heart. You deserve better. Good luck.

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Counseling is a great idea. I also recommend a book called "Love Must be Tough," by James Dobson, I believe. It's about how a woman in a position similar to yours can be strong and loving without allowing herself to be a doormat. All the best to you.

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Well I havent been in the exact situation but something similar. My advice, that has helped me over the last 7 years in healing our marraige and relationship, is to find a trusted woman in your church who can walk thru this with you and pray for you. Someone you can call when your mind is running amuck in bad thoughts, etc... also a book that helped me a lot was 'Every Heart Restored: A Wife's Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband's Sexual Sin'.
Seek God daily and earnestly he can heal you marraige and make it better than you thought it could ever be... trust me i've seen Him do it for us.

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Kudos to you for doing the right thing. However, please make it clear that you do not have an "open door policy" and that should he decide to leave again, that door will not open.

Oh D., I'm so sorry you have been in this situation. When I read this several things hit hard to me.

A little back ground: I was married for 15 years. My now ex-husband was what I call a sereal cheater. My minister preached to me for better for worst and things couldn't be much worst. Each time I found out it just killed me inside. I have to say that after the first time, I never trusted him again. I was always snooping & wondering if he was at it again & sure enough most of the time he was. I loved him so much & I thought that I could change him. Well never happened. The stress was effecting me mentally & physically. We had lots of problems but the last straw was when we seperated & I moved to my sisters with our son & the next day, he moved her into my house. He didn't tell me because he was still trying to get me back. Needless to say the neighbor informed me & I was devistated.

My advice to you is do not let him come home at this time. Your husband says he still loves this woman but he will get over it in time. Do you want to live with a man that says he loves you & ANOTHER woman? If this is the first & only time your husband has done this, then you might be able to put things back together but it's not going to be easy for either of you.

Go to www.marriagebuilders.com

This is a site with lots of free information and support for your situation. There is a plan there that I have seen & it can work if both party's are willing. Dr. Harley says that for every affair, it takes the betrayed spouse 5 years to recover from it.

1. If he is serious, he will write a No Contact Letter to her and give it to you to mail to her. He will agree to never see her again or communicate with her ever again.
2. He will be completely transparent with you on where he goes, what he does, emails, passwords, etc.
3. Set your boundry's. Individual & marriage counseling would be at the top of my list.
4. There is a tool on there called Power of Joint agreement. This is where neither party does anything the other does not agree to.
5. Is he willing to not go to any gigs unless you can go with him?
6. Both of you should read the book "Surviving An Affair". It will give you lots of insight on what both of you are facing
7. Both of you should read "His Needs Her Needs". This book is wonderful

I hope you don't make any rash decisions. Think hard and ask yourself lots of tough questions. Nobody would blame you if you walked away, but if you are determined to work this out do the work & protect yourself & your children. You & your kids deserve to be happy. None of you deserved what your husband did by his choices.

I hope this helps & I will be thinking about you. It's hard everytime I see somebody like you on here going thru what I went thru. I'm divorced now & have to say I have not been this happy in 15 years.

Hey D.,

Although I have not been through my husband having an affair, I did live through him cheating on me once. I had no idea until he told me about it and begged my forgiveness. I did forgive him but forgetting was a very difficult process. After only 1 indiscretion it took me over a year to fully trust him again. I found it was turning me into someone that I really didn't like. I was checking his cell phone, driving by his job to look for her car and thinking about his being with her every time we made love. It was terrible, but he was wonderful about giving me the time to heal that I needed. To make matters worse, she claimed that she was pregnant by him, which was something that I had been unable to do even after 11 years of marriage. After she realized that he would not leave me for her, even if she was pregnant, she claimed that she fell and lost the baby. I also set up a meeting with her because I feel that it is a lot easier to cheat with someone's husband if you don't know the wife, although I know that this didn't help your situation.

Anyway, although this is something that I will never forget, it is now a non-issue and has never again been discussed. I love him and trust him with my life and we have been married for another 16 years since then. It is possible to recover from this but it will take a lot of time and patience so it is best to discuss with him the emotional roller coaster that you will be on for a while and how he will need to deal with it.

Good luck and I will be praying for your strength.

Hi D.,
everyone deserves a second chance. I would just go to a marriage counselor. If you do give him a second chance, will you trust him? You are in a tough situation. Marriage is not a game so please go to a marriage counselor.

Lots of blessings,
E. M

It is hard to know what to do when kids are affected. My husband of 17 years had an affair with a gold-digger 21 years younger. We went back and forth trying to make things work for 19 months. He could never get his head out of his butt long enough to wake up. Men need to feel needed and I was too independent and didn't need him but she also married, was going through rough times and woman are notorious for finding a man's shoulder to cry upon about how bad their lives are etc. He married her and had a child with her which was her security to what she thought was a lot of $$. Little did she know I provided the bulk of income I did get the last laugh and am still laughing about it. We live in the same small community, I didn't move from my friends and home, I didn't have the affair, know he is miserable and has been for the past 4 years of the 6 year marriage and truly he regrets the divorce and wishes he could come back. I'm telling you this because I have two kids who were 11 and 9 when we divorced, they are both in the last years of high school and they do bounce back. My son has had a rougher time of it because it angers him that he needed his dad and he was unavailable. My daughter has a lot of resentment because her father gives her little time, but they live with me, know who butters their bread and look at their father as a part timer. Now I want you to know, I am not bitter because time really does heal all wounds, you will have anger at what should and could have been before your husband wrecked by his careless and selfish needs that he put above his family. The grass is seldom greener on the other side. f you choose to stay married, the regaining of trust is imperative and very difficult to accomplish. I compromised myself way more than I wanted for the sake of my children, but in the end I became much stronger by letting my husband seek his happiness elsewhere. The real satisfaction in all of this is I am truly happy, love being single and independent and I know there is happiness out there with someone else. It just takes time to get over it. If you choose to stay in the marriage do it for the right reasons, not just because you think your daughter needs both of you. That can be accomplished if you two do divorce and agree to parent together, but set you rules first. Good luck!

Dear D., how hard it must be for you. But I am sure you will make the right decision. I just wanted to send you a link to this article I have read this summer. It is very interesting and a little similar to what you are going through. Good luck to you both.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html

I have a girlfriend who was married for 10 years. Her husband had an affair with a close friend and they eventually divorced. They were divorced for 5 years (with a small child caught in the middle). They remarried and have been happy for the past 10 years....and I see them remaining so for the next 40 years.

So yes, it can happen. Do what is right for you and your family.

Good luck.......

Counceling, counceling and more counceling!

My brother and sister-in-law recently went through a very similar situation. I am close to both of them and so I know what you're going through feels like you are dying inside a little bit every day. Even I, basically on the outside looking in on their situation while trying to help them as much as I could, was horribly stressed and emotional and even lost weight when everything was first brought to light. It was too awful for words. I am happy to say that they are still together and things seem to be working out, but it took a LOT of counseling (my SIL still sees her counselor, after more than three years). I sometimes wonder if my brother still has feelings for the 'other woman' (he admitted being in love with her initially), but he seems to have put her behind him for the sake of his wife and children. I don't know if they will be able to hold it together forever, but they are making it work for now and seem to be happy. My SIL still has lots of trust issues and has to take anti-anxiety meds, but she seems determined to make it work. She still loves my brother which is really important...if you still truly love your husband then it is definitely worth trying to work things out. I cannot emphasize enough how important counseling is for both of you. My brother realized so many things about himself that he never would have known had he not gone through counseling. I don't think they could've held it together without their wonderful counselor. In the beginning, if often seemed like they were just waiting for their next counseling session so that they could communicate their feelings through him...now, they have learned to communicate with each other, which is huge. However, after saying all that, only you can know whether his love for you is strong enough to win out over his feelings for this other woman. You should not have to compete for his affection. Even though I believe in staying together for the children, it isn't healthy for children to see their parents in a bad marriage. I pray that everything works out for you. Good luck!

I so admire you!! Being a Christian woman myself, going throgh something like this is hard! I am so proud of you for sticking by him no matter what and working this out! What a testimony!! To heLp you and him both heal and bond together, I recommend counseling, preferably a Christian one, as the "world" would say " he cheated, move on!" You can have a strong marriage even after an affair, just need to get to the root of the issues and work through them. Best wishes to you!!! Thanks for sharing. Get help to help you heal!