64 answers

Should I Allow My Husband to Come Home After Have a Long Affair?

Hi ladies ~ I appreciate your advice ahead of time!
My husband has been in a 2 1/2 year affair, we finally seperated about 6 months ago when he began just blatently staying with her on weekends after I knew about this. At first I thought we'd be able to work it out because he seemed confussed and still loved me but wanted to take a different path. (See "mid-life" crisis in the dictionary and there's his picture!) He and I had an increadable love affair and were married over 8 beautiful years before he suddenly dropped the bomb one night over dinner. He asked for a divorce and then, later, I found that there was another woman involved who divorced her husband for mine! He, to this day, says she has nothing to do with him wanting a divorce even though he met her just two weeks prior to his insensitive request! All our friends and family have been shocked by this. Our marriage was very good and very compatable and very full of passion for one another. I KNOW I was not living a lie.
However, this entire time he has gone back and forth claiming that he did the wrong thing and got caught up in it, and that he should have just left her as a friend because he's still in love with me and misses me and our 10 year old daughter.
My question is...should I take him back?
I know, in the end I will follow my heart and I am extremely concerned for my daughter who is very sad that her daddy left. (She does not know about "the other woman.") It has been the toughest road ever. I love him but I am furious about this and unsure of him, and do not want this to happen again. I know I can get passed it in time and with work, but do I really want to? The main reason to concider having him back is for our daughter. Have any of you gone through this before and had him come back? If so, what happened? Have any of you gone through this and refused him a return?
Love ya ladies!

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I cannot believe all the increadable responses I have recieved on this site. How wonderful of you all. It's amazing! I have had 79 responses to my original letter and have made many new friends. Thank you! It warms my heart to see how many Christian's are out there and ready to help with prayers and blessings. It strengthens my faith - especially at a time when the minority is pulling prayers out of schools, away from our children and our teachers who need it, and off of our money and our courts and everything sacred. It is so sad to see that so few can make such a tremendous impact. So I think we should all stand strong and show them that we will NOT foresake our God for anything or anyone! If this offends anyone, then I am sorry ~ but you can choose not to read it, just like I choose not to watch most of the crap and horror that is carelessly shown on our t.v's! It's called freedom ~ change the channel and God bless us all!

Featured Answers

NO..I was married for 23 years when the same thing happened to me. You will never trust him and chances are the same thing will happen again. I was so devastated when my husband asked for a divorce, but once time passed and I got myself back together, I am so much better off emotionally and financially. It is very hard on the kids, but they too will mend. Statistically, cheaters don't change.

1 mom found this helpful

no no no no once a cheater always a cheater ,she's gone now he needs to replace her NO NO NO

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

Even though it would be very hard for me (impossible, actually) to take my husband back after that, I know that the right thing to do would be to work on the marriage and make things right and stick together. You absolutely can NOT do that without having God as part of the marriage. God is the only one who can repair this. It is not something you 2 can do on your own. Only he knows if he is sincere on wanting to get back together and never cheating again. You can give him that chance, but I would definitely not stick around if he did it again.

3 moms found this helpful

I can speak from experience that reconciliation is possible and that God can restore the time the locust have destroyed. That being said, it takes a LOT of work on the part of both spouses. For you, forgiveness will be a painful process but it is possible!!! There are consequences for his sin and they are far reaching. If your faith is strong and you have trusted Christ as Savior, He will guide you in the right decisions for your family. Gods power is made perfect in our weakness and He wants nothing more than for us to rely on HIM 100%.

Personally I would have a contract for him to sign as far as the things that you need to see happen before he moves back in and I would encourage you both to consider what a reconciled marriage would look like so you both are on the same page (details are good). There are lots of good therapists out there who can assist with the process. God bless you and be with you during this difficult time.

3 moms found this helpful

You have to decide what you can live with and what you are willing to work through. I know that all things are possible with GOD in control. God can forgive and restore anyone if they want to change. Be encouraged and find strength and peace in God's word. Phillipians 4:4-8

3 moms found this helpful

D., you and I are close in age (I am 46)so I believe I can relate to you in a personal way. I used to think "once a cheater always a cheater" but that is not necessarily so. That may be true unless the offender turns their life completely over to The Lord. If Jesus isn't Lord of all then He isn't Lord at all. He HAS to be Lord over your marriage relationship. I can tell you from experience that there is hope for your marriage. Although there are specific circumstances in scripture that allow for divorce, God clearly hates it, (Malachi 2:16). With God all things are possible so if your husband is truly repentant and will agree to Christian counseling you should give him the chance to make things right. It won't be easy but if you look to the Lord for comfort, wisdom, guidance and most of all His will you will experience a strength to endure that you never imagined. If your marriage can successfully survive this it can survive anything! There is so much more I would like to say to you so feel free to email me if you want and I will be happy to talk with you personally. It always helps to have a voice of empathy. I would also like to recommend a book called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley, Jr. It can give you both great insight regarding your relationship and how you relate to each other. I would like to share a couple of scriptures that practically held me together, Philippians 3:13 and Ezekiel 36:11. One last thing, I was glad to hear that your daughter doesn't know about the affair, there is no reason for her to know. I will pray for you too. God bless you girl!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi D.,

I've seen this through my sister's eyes. My sister and her husband just got the big D. My brother in law was caught cheating a couple of times and my sister always took him back. My sister finally got a head on her shoulders and thought of someone else other than her self--her 10 year old daughter---yes he is the bio father. She use to always use the excuse of not wanting her daughter to grow up with out her dad but this last time she her daughter asked when daddy was coming home my sister told her he's not and they got in a long talk and my neice said in more words it's about time.... Even though my neice was sad she was happy because there wasnt going to be any more drama in her life having to listen to all the fighting and the name calling. The divorce was final this month and they have moved on, my sister bought a house and my sister and neice are building their lives back. My sister seems much happier knowing he's not going to hurt her any more with the lies. my brother in law has told her he wanted her back but she is sticking to her guns and told him that if her can live for 5 years with out anyone in his life (meaning no women) she will remarry him. Through out the ten years I can count like 5 other women he cheated on her with including one that had her same name. I dont believe he will ever change.

So as for your situation I believe if you can really find it in your heart to forget it then it my be able to work but if not I think you should move on. A relationship that only one or one and half is working on will not survive. I know it's a hard thing your having to deal with but think of it as this------you have given him a chance after you found out about the other woman and he chose to keep that relationship going---that shows no respect for you. If he is still seeing the other woman to this day I would just walk away from the relationship or put it on the line and tell him that he needs to choose who he wants to be with. Your little girl should not be in the middle of this so just leave it to the realtionship parts.

I really do wish you the best for you and your family.

2 moms found this helpful

I would say no, don't take him back! Why did he have an affair in the first place! If he did it once he might do it again, and will you live being insecure the rest of your life? I think, you can do great things and help your daughter through life without having her father in the same house! If you take him back and it happens again, you will be going through the same pain again and again! He must face reality and feel the consequences for his actions!
It might seem harch to you, but I went through something like that! If you are interested email me: ____@____.com

Good luck

2 moms found this helpful

Only you can make this decision, of course; but, NEVER stay together for the child or children. They know more than you realize.

My experience is if it won't work once, it won't work twice !

I will say no more.

God bless whatever you decide.

2 moms found this helpful

First of all I am very sorry for what you are going through. My husband after 14 years of marriage told me that he had been having an affair for the past year with a girl he worked with. I was like you totally shocked. We had our issues, but nothing to this extreme. He first made excuses on maybe it was better to end the marriage. The hard part also was that we have three children together, 10 boy, 6 girl and a 1 boy. He was born while the affair was going on. Our son was a suprise and I have horrible pregnancey's. I have diabetes and they require lots of medical intervention. It was a stressful time. Anyway, we are three months into our recovery. We have been in counseling recommened by our pastor. Our counselor is a God sent. She has been a vital source to our staying together. I feel your pain for you. I am here telling you, you can work this out. It does take lots of prayer, hard work and time. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know my marriage was saved and it is on the road to being even better than ever before. God's blessing to you!

2 moms found this helpful

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