Major Issues with My Husband's Brother and Our Sister N Laws - Las Vegas,NV
Updated on
April 26, 2009
S.N.
asks from
Las Vegas, NV
6
answers
Hi Moms,
I warn you this may be long, and I apologize. I will try to keep this as short as I can. My husband's brothers and their families live in the northeast, and we are out here in Colorado. Obviously, we don't see his family too often, due to geography. However, I always felt like Brenda and Jan (my sister n laws) were my good friends. I kept in touch with both of them (via phone and email) on a regular basis. Last year, something very traumatic and devastating happened to me. It was brought to my attention that Jan has been forwarding all of my emails (confidential emails from me to her) to: Brenda, Eric (one of my husband's brothers), her sister, and her friend - all for the sole purpose of mocking me. Apparantly, Jan felt that my confidential emails to her (which varied from medical treatments for my son, to venting about our mother n law, and for asking her a question about a soap opera) were practically public knowledge, and she got her kicks out of disgracing me to a group of people. Regarding my venting about our mother in law - whenever I had a MIL story, I emailed it to Jan, only to discover that she forwarded all of my stories to: Brenda, Eric (my husband's brother), her sister, and her friend. She typed "Here is what S. said" and then forwarded it to all of those people. Regarding my email about my son's medical treatment - (both of our sons have Autism, and I wrote about what medications the DAN doctor had me giving him - you'd think she would have had sympathy and empathy, since both our sons have Autism, AND, since SHE was the one who suggested I take my son to a DAN doctor)!! So, after she read what I wrote about my son's medications, she typed, "SCARY?" and then forwarded it to her group of people. And now, the soap opera email. Again, I thought she was my friend, and I emailed her asking her if she watched my soap opera (b/c I wanted to discuss it). Well, apparantly, she thought I was such a stupid idiot for asking such a trivial question, that again, she typed "SCARIER?" and did her disgusting thing again, and clicked the 'forward' button, and off it went to all of those people. Not only was I furious with Jan (totally and completely done with her for life, by the way), I was also furious with Brenda (my other sister in law who was very close with Jan) for doing NOTHING to stop Jan's evil and cruel behavior. Not once did Brenda ever say to Jan, "Why are you doing this to S.?? She is our sister in law???" Not once. It must have been much more fun for Brenda to join in on Jan's "Let's make fun of S. club." Now on to Jan's husband, Eric,(my husband's brother) - he also contributed to Jan's dispicable antics by also doing nothing to stop Jan's behavior/emails. After all, he allowed his wife to disgrace his brother's wife! My husband told me not to worry, that we were DONE with Jan, and that we never had to see her again. Then, one night, Eric called and told my husband that he and Jan were getting divorced!!! I'm sure you can all imagine mine and my husband's sheer joy that Jan would soon be out of the family!!! Anyway, here is the problem: Eric and Brenda apologized to both of us for not doing anything to stop Jan's email forwards. So then I was expected to somehow, some way (after therapy and many, many nights of discussing what happened to me w/ my husband) get over this and move on. Easy for all of them, since this horrifying situation didn't happen to them. My relationship with Brenda has been (still is) extremely strained, since I know how close she always was (and probably still is) with Jan (even though Jan and Eric are now divorced). Knowing that Brenda still keeps in touch with Jan makes me sick. So, here is my problem: obviously, it is a given that Jan thought I was an idiot, and had zero respect for me, which is why she chose to make a mockery out of me to a group of people. Since Jan thought I was an idiot, wouldn't it be fair to assume that Brenda also thought I was an idiot, since she did nothing to stop Jan's email forwards?? (and because Brenda and Jan are so close). When I discussed this nightmare with Brenda, I asked her why she didn't stop Jan's email forwards, and she said exactly what I thought she would say. She gave me the politically correct answer and said, "I don't know. I just hit delete and went on with my day." What else was she going to say? "Yes, S.. I also thought you were an idiot and enjoyed receiving Jan's emails?" Of course she wasn't going to say that. I also asked Brenda if I was the family joke, and she said no. Again, was she really going to tell me the truth and say, "Yes, S., you were the family joke." My therapist said that Brenda is a people pleaser, and doesn't like confrontations. I believe that, however, does that mean that people pleasers don't have a conscience??? What I am very much struggling with is this - how am I supposed to have a relationship with someone who quite possibly (if not definately) thinks I am an idiot? Moms, I ask you this - would you have a relationship with someone who you strongly suspect (or know) thinks you are an idiot?? Of course you wouldn't! My husband wishes I could get over this and move on, which tells me he doesn't understand the severity of the situation. This is his side of the family, and he just wants this mess to be over with. I feel like some things are unforgiveable. I also feel like I really would be an idiot if I were to continue my relationship with Brenda. Brenda called me the other day (left a message), but I didn't call back. I obviously don't trust her anymore, which means I have absolutely nothing to say to her. I will not disclose ANYTHING to her about my life anymore, so what's the point in talking to her? Any advice would greatly be apperciated. Thanks in advance for reading this!!!!!
GET OVER IT!! These people are obviously not your friends! My son has developmental delays and my MIL (an er nurse) and her daughter constatly make fun of me for getting a speech therapist thru early intervention. They will laugh out loud at me and it is VERY cruel. Your family has been cruel to you and you are right not to trust them with things close to your heart. BUT....while the ring leader is at least on her way out the others will still be around and you'll still have to deal with them. At least they don't live in your home (mine do!!) I have come to a point where I can enjoy the parts of my relationship with my MIL that I can respect and just don't take the rest to heart. I have always believed that if it is important to you then it is a big deal to you no matter what I think. My sister completly freaks out about the slightest thing. I think she is over reacting but it doesn't change the fact that she is confiding something to me that really works at her heart. No matter what I think I don't want to be unkind to my sister or for that matter the man in the moon. They have treated you really badly but if you harbor ill feelings it will only hurt you. Don't forget how they treated you and don't open yourself up to them again. Don't forget that you are awesome and the fact that you trusted them and they hurt you says a lot about what kind of friend you are...one who respects her friends feelings and is respectful of her relationships. Use this as an opportunity to be proud of your virtue instead a victim of their awfulness!
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J.L.
answers from
Las Vegas
on
Even though I know you are hurt and what happened was no doubt wrong on so many levels, I think you should try to talk to Brenda and realy explain to her how all of this has made you feel, and the fact that she did nothing to stop it made you feel like she was betraying you as a sister-in-law and friend. But you might want to cut her some slack. If she's not the confrontational type maybe she really did just delete them and just didn't have the guts to say anthing to your other ex-sister-in-law. It is a really hard battle to fight when you try to make your husband choose you or his family. You don't want to go there. In the future until you feel comfortable only tell or email Brenda things that you really wouldn't care if other people knew. As Dr. Phil says (LOL) Be the hero in this situation. Hope it helps good luck.
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M.S.
answers from
Las Vegas
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Dear S.:
What was done to you was HORRIBLE and WRONG. You must remember, though, that her actions define HER not YOU. At this point in her pitiable life, she is in the unfortunate position of being capable of nothing better than this contemptible behavior. That is why she showed you no compassion.
As far as the other characters, it means something that they apologized. They obviously want to have a relationship with you because they certainly did not NEED to apologize. Forgive them, take them at their word that they did not participate in the mocking and show them that YOU are the bigger person in this situation. They may learn something from all this and eventually develop into better people and more loyal friends. The other benefit would be the great example you’d be to your children. (You should never speak of this to them but allow them to learn from your behavior.)
When I say to take your in-laws at their word, it’s really important that you catch what I mean. When we resist doing that, we resist because we’re afraid to be considered foolish for believing someone. But that is backwards! The worst thing that can happen when you believe someone is that they’ll be proven to be liars and you’ll be a confirmed good-hearted soul. In the meantime, you enjoyed peace. You can’t lose. Only time will tell what is really going on in their hearts. You just need to sit back and watch!
I think you’re right to restrict the amount of information you’re giving to your remaining sister-in-law but you shouldn’t do it to punish her (she wasn’t leaking your private notes) but rather because that’s not her role in your life. She sounds like a weak person who isn’t mature enough to be your close friend. She may develop to that point but she’s not there now. Just minimize contact for now. If she insists in getting close too fast for you, say something like, “I’m so glad we’re taking our time allowing our relationship to mend.” That will subtly indicate to her that she needs to back off a bit.
Your husband is in a really tight spot. He knows what happened was cruel and unfair but he’s unable to express it to you for two reasons. (1) He wants you to heal from this and doesn’t want you to fixate on the bad but rather, look forward to the good. (2) He knows that you’re a family that must get through this difficult time. There really is no alternative. These are the conflicts that build strong marriages. Don’t waste it!
As a wife and mother, you need loyal and trustworthy friends to support and who will support you. Spend your time seeking those people out and investing in those relationships. Then, from a position of strength, you’ll be better able to deal with the difficulties that life brings.
Best wishes,
M.
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A.T.
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Las Vegas
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Husbands (and men in general) see things differently than women do. They can joke around with each other and call each other idiots and then they will brush it off and be best buds the next day. You will see this with your boys and their friends. I am not trying to play down the situation at all...you have a right to be mad...but you need to see your husband's perspective too. If I were you I would not talk to those people (like Brenda) again...however, that does not mean that you can't be civil to her. If you are at a family gathering and she says "hello" you say "hello" and just leave it at that. Don't share any personal information with her and don't have conversations with her about anything. Forgive her and be civil...but don't take the relationship any farther than that. Surround yourself with other good friends who will make-up for their lack of kindness. These good friends will take their place and you won't have to worry about them anymore.
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L.S.
answers from
Las Vegas
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One question I have is how did you find out that she was forwarding your emails to other family members? If you BIL or SIL told you, then you should be able to trust them as they wanted to give you a heads up. 2nd question is when did you find out they were being passed along? After you had already sent them or as they were being sent? I guess my point is if you knew they were being passed along, why did you keep sending her emails? If you didn't know but found out later, then that is a different story.
What your SIL did was horrible and uncalled for but gossip does happen in large families. You need to find a way to get past this because you still have other family memebers that you will interact with. Be the bigger person and let it go. Even laugh about it or make jokes yourself around the others. If you hold on to it, they will hold on to it. If you let it go, you will not only feel better, but they will see you as a strong person who really isn't all those things she was trying to make you out to be. It sounds like Jan has some insecurities of her own which is probably why she is now divorced and was doing these things in the first place.
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C.S.
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Las Vegas
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Hi S.,
I once took a class that helped me through some of these things that really upset me. It is called color code. I am Blue/White, with Blue being my primary color (there are 4). I was asked about 75 questions about childhood and what I think. A blue person is very trusting, yet once the trust is betrayed...it is over. White is quiet and to themselves. It sounds like you have a great deal of blue in you.
While I don't buy into a lot of categorizing, it was pretty dead on, although I did think I had a bit more party in me then what the chart showed :)
So you are done with them...move on. You can't change that she is your sister in law, but you have to deal with her from time to time. During those times, put your game face on and enjoy the party/event. I know it can be stressful, but it is much more healthy to let it go. I am not saying forget it and get over it, but let it go.
No one is going to tell you want to hear in the way you want to hear it. If they did, you wouldn't be happy with that either. As for Jan, she is no loss as you knew she couldn't be trusted and she is now gone.
You can't change or mold people, so hold on to what you believe in, know who you can(not) trust, and live your life. You are allowing them to control you, which is not cool!
