How Do You Know When Your Family Is Complete?

You are asking such a big question, A.. It's actually several big questions:

How do your memories and previous history affect your sense of completion now? What constitutes "enough?" Since another child will have a huge impact on all family members, how do the various members balance their wishes and needs? How can you most responsibly make that choice for your sons?

It's SO normal to feel that twinge of longing. Nature designs that into us childbearers (so we'll be willing to endure pregnancy, childbirth, the demands of babies, lack of sleep, etc.) If that urge wasn't strong in us, the human race would probably have died out long ago. And, contrary to your observation that many women "have assurance that they are done," among all my lifelong acquaintances, there are far more women who would gladly HAVE more babies, but realize their families can't reasonably accommodate them. (Nor can the world sustain the rising human population for much longer – many scientists and social scientists worry that we've already reached a tipping point.)

And because getting pregnant is something of an uncertainty for you, there's also the dynamic of "scarcity increasing desire," one of the emotional triggers we all have to deal with in all areas of life. That struggle might be further intensified by your husband's wish to stop with two.

How to cope? Can you alter your longing? Well, it will probably always be there to some degree, because Nature has programmed it in, and because you always wanted another sibling. But you CAN shift your attention away from what you don't have to what you do have. Ah, blessings! You CAN decide to stop dwelling on your sense of incompleteness. This is the "secret" to contentment of all the women I know who would gladly be pregnant again, and again, and again…. Contentment is a state of mind.

And our minds can override just about anything our bodies tell us. Or else people wouldn't be able to to diet, to run marathons, to overcome crippling accidents, to surrender needed sleep to meet the needs of a new baby, to quit addictive habits. Choosing to override your longing for another baby is one of the things your mind can do, if you decide to. It's a choice.

I wish you peace, A.. I hope you find a way to accommodate the choices open to you, and be happy.

I truly believe that God has predestined how many children you will have, since he "knew your name before you were born." So just remember that God already knows how many children you will have, that that's how many you were meant to have, and that each one is a blessing from Him. I felt the same way after my first (thinking we shouldn't have another, but feeling like there was another one out there for us) and five years after the first, the second came along.

Now, my husband and I both want another one, but know that financially we have to space them out about five years each...and I'm 30 now, so one more would probably be it. When the time comes, we will try, and God will do His will in our lives...just like He will for you!! :)

So just remember how much you are loved by God, your husband, and your children...present and future.

No assurance here at all. In fact, I think for some of us, we will long for babies till we die ;-)

I have an almost 13 month old and an almost 3 year old. Last month, I was convinced I just had to have another. I spent a good two weeks walking around obsessing about it. My logical, rational brain kept telling me NO, my heart, YES. In the end, I made a final decision and I feel great. I am going to have a third, it's just going to be a puppy! We are desperate for another dog, and I don't want my 3 year old having to wait another two years before we can get one (no way will I do a newborn baby and a young puppy/dog). You are right about "more the merrier," we are just going to add on animal kids, not human kids.

It varies family to family. I felt the same way you did. I wanted one more (we also have 2) and didn't feel that our family was complete until that "one more" arrived . Well, we tried for about 7 years (our youngest is 8, oldest is 15) and it wasn't until one day my husband and I realized that we weren't running around after little legs or helping them brush their hair or teeth anymore. Homework was being done more on their own rather than the need for constant help. We just weren't needed quite as much any more... and we liked it!! :) We realized at that moment that it was a blessing, in our case, that we didn't have anymore. That our own personal stars aligned and, although all those years we didn't know it, our family had always been complete. My husband and I were able to focus on our own future for ourselves and just sit back and watch our kids become more independent.

Then there's the flip-side of that: we have friends who are in their late 40's who have 2 teenage sons. They were done... or they thought. She became pregnant with their first little girl and had to do the baby thing all over again. It was quite the surprise for them, but they now realize that their family was not complete until she came along.

Sometimes it hits us, just in different ways.

Money can be stretched and so can time with a 3rd child. Logistics aren't logical when it comes to the simple power of love in growing family relationships.

I know I'm not done, simply because I just DO, (I also have two boys). I have that aching and longing in my heart. It's sometimes gets dull, especially on stressful days, but it's there.

When I feel at peace, and that there isn't another little special spirit waiting for me, then I will know I'm done. I do believe in being able to be physically, financially and emotionally responsible for more children, but I don't think that money/space is an ultimate deciding factor. If you are a praying type, I usually leave it as a matter of prayer.

I just read your previous post regarding your health and what you had to go through to get your second child and you were hoping for a third. I am in a different situation. I was there when my niece was born, got to cut the cord and hold her....my sister did not want to be a parent. When she was ten days old we got her for good (had to go through all the home investigations, background checks and such). Our family was complete at that time. Never once did we discuss producing another and did everything possible to make sure it didn't happen. One child was just perfect for us in every way!

I'm not *allowed* to get pregnant again (it puts my life in extreme risk, although now I know the "trick" on how to stay pregnant - aka I'm prone to miscarrying from placental abruptions- it's still very very dangerous for me to be pregnant).

8years later... and I have peace with that / am okay with that MOST of the time. This year has been especially good with that because my son and I do a LOT together that we just plain and simple wouldn't be able to do if I were pregnant or had a baby / toddler. I do sooooo much with my 8yo.

But 8yo... I'm not okay with it all the time. I'll ocasionally get cross, or wistful, and every 2 years like clockwork since he was born the "babycravings" hit. They last for 3-6 months. It's totally hormonal, but it doesn't make it any easier. But through repeated exposure, I know they're coming, and I know I can get through them.

We have an only daughter, just turned 16 and we felt complete as soon as she was born.

It depends on the family, you, your circumstances, etc.

I had an easy pregnancy, loved every minute of it and cherished it because to me, it was my time and I knew I did not want to do it again.

We've had no regrets with 1 child. She is well cared for, lives in a very stable family, emotionally as well as financially and we are complete.

Maybe I am weird but I feel blessed with my family and I never had a desire to add to our family.

I will say, we are avid dog lovers and we have 3 fur babies who are very well cared for and spoiled like crazy. We love our family as it is.

You have to figure out what is best for your family... nothing is wrong or right... just best for you.

I "thought" I was done when I had two, and to be really Painfully honest I was VERY happy with two! We had a Surprise baby and he has turned out to be the most amazing blessing. Due to my age and the fact that my youngest is on the spectrum I would say certainly we are done now! Mine are spaced Very far apart...I have 3 years old son, 10 years old daughter and 15 years old son!
I think you should talk to your husband and tell him how you honestly feel.
My sister also thought she was done at two...they have 2 beautiful little girls but both are on the spectrum, the oldest is 8 and she is severely Autistic mostly nonverbal and the younger daughter is 5 and has Aspergers. They did not intend on any more due to the amount of care and attention the oldest requires but they got pregnant with a baby boy and they feel blessed. I am not saying that having a baby on accident is the answer! I am just saying when you are done you are usually content, but I do believe that sometimes God has other plans for us!
Whatever life brings you I wish you to be content and happy!

What is a "complete" family? No family will ever be complete. It will always grow and change. It's not a to do list you check off. Your kids will marry and give you grandchildren. There will be cousins and aunts and uncles. marriages and divorces among your siblings. People will come in and out of your life. Family is what you make it. Some are put in your life for a very special reason. Some people are lucky enough to choose thier family. Don't get so obsessed with this imaginary hole in your family that you lose sight of what's right in fron of you! The family you have been blessed with. That's how you get ok with not having anymore kids. You focus on the blessings in your life. Not the missed opportunities or the failed business or the job you almost got. Focus on your blessings. Focus on yourself. Figure out what you need to be a whole, contented person. Maternal energy is creative energy. Find a creative outlet.
If you want to be pregnant, that's great. That's a good thing to have so much to give. But, if it's a point of disagreement in your marriage it can cause a lot of problems. By thinking of it as an incomplete family or unfinished business, you are completly closing yourself off to compromise with your husband. Maybe you 2 could foster for a while. Maybe you could adopt. Maybe he wants to get all the kids in school before having another. Or maybe he's counting the years until it's just the 2 of you again so you can take romantic weekends away.