I have a well mannered 9 year old boy who goes from calm, cool and collected to lava exploding, mad. On a recent play date, I noticed that 2 of his friends also go from kind and thoughtful to a sucker punching, shoving, red-faced screaming child. The punishments for this have varied, but nothing seems to get through. I am interested in hearing of any suggestions or interventions that others have used, or that this is just a phase that will SOON pass. I want my sweet boy back.
Hello all,
I feel as if I need to make a few clarifications. :) As of today...my son has not hit anyone except an occasional brotherly swat. This particular play date with the hit was with a very close, and long term friend. The anger or frustration seems to be something that this age group seems to experience. One person hit it when she said it is an act of desperation and frustration and this coupled with the fact that they are all VERY bright (above grade level/academically), seems to make sence to me. These are all Christian children in private schools who for the most part are average kids,..its just the lack of sense of control that has me concerned. I think that I take from all of this advice is to keep talking, praying and guiding along the path. I know there is no quick fix to this type of stuff, but sometimes its sure comforting to hear that your not the only mom on the planet experiencing this. Thanks girls.
M., Not until about 6 months ago did I realize how differently food controls my 11 year old sons behavior. We have been monitoring, and have found that sugar, and anything red/orange have a significant effect on his personality. Just thought that I would share a possibility that I wish I had considered a long time ago. Good luck, A.
I think that if it happens at a play date, I would take my child home immediately. I'd tell the child before you leave home, that if he explodes, he will go right home. I'd also explain to the parents when you get there, that if this happens, he WILL be going right home. I'd tell the host parents in front of him and his friends - just so everyone is clear.
Trust me, you'll only have to take him out once.
If it happens at your house while he has a friend over, the friend goes home. Not later. Right then. Same with the friend. If the friend does it - home he goes.
If you are stuck with an extra child for the afternoon and it happens, I think a good lengthy sit in time out while his friend plays with his toys should take care of it. If the friend does it, he gets to sit in time out, too. Just remember that you have to set the rules as soon as the friends walk in the door. You need to be very specific. Sit them both down and explain the consequences.
You have to follow through on your threat, though. That is the hardest thing, but once you do it... you'll be on easy street.
Ladybug C gave you some great advice, but I just wanted to add a few more thoughts for you. Do your son "really" get along with the 2 other children that he plays with? Do you "really" watch how they play together? I'm not questioning your mothering skills either...I just asked those 2 questions, because I my son went through a similar situation with a couple of his friends and once I observed I notice that there was a problem that lied within the friendship itself. Children find themselves not getting along with other children for the smallest things and it can manifest into a bigger problem, because children don't know how to let go of things. You could call someone dumb or say that their shirt is ugly, and if it really hurts their feeling then they aren't going to forget it and everytime something goes on it will pop right back up in their mind and everything will go hay wire. Think about it...if you told a child you were going to give them $10 would they forget? No, they may even remind you. Let's say they don't remind you (not saying that they forgot) and you forget about it all together. The very next time you may them a promise they are going to throw it in your face, and you'll be like where did that come from? So I just wanted you to look at those pictures as well.
I also have a 9 year old who does the same thing! My husband and I often ask ourselves where are once sweet little boy went. So i am soooo glad to hear someone else having the same issues! I don't have any advice for you but know you are not alone!!
My son also had these issues when he was that age...he is learning now how to control himself, but I think a lot of it is dealing with peers, frustration of growing up, friends getting to him, etc....one boy really made my son act out and actually get violent. It would always be at the friend's house, so I limited the time he spent with him and told him that he could not go to his house any more - he would have to play outside or in our house. He would have all his privileges taken away as a punishment, and a lecture about priorities, etc on top of that. Then he would have to apologize to the friend, come back home and write out a few ideas of what a better way to handle the situation would have been. This got him thinking along the lines of how to control anger. I read him some Bible passages as well. I let him know it's completely normal to feel angry - but it's all about your choice of action that is important to consider. If you are angry and act violent, then it is wrong...but if you are angry and deal with it in an appropriate manner, then it is ok. We talked about strategies of dealing with other people and ourselves...counting to 10, telling an adult, leaving the situation, etc. That way he could calm down and solve the problem instead of making an enemy out of a former friend. He seems to be a lot better at making decisions now - so maybe it's just growth hormones for boys that age...my son is 11 now and he still gets frustrated, but knows how to deal with it better. He understands there are consequences for his actions, he could hurt someone else, lose his privileges, and gain a bad reputation...he would rather make healthy choices that don't negatively affect him or others. Hopefully he will stay on the right path, but that's the hardest part of being a mom - keeping them on that path! :)
It is hard to tell exactly the situation(s) that you are describing in which he gets very angry. Is it only when he's playing with his friends like that OR is that just the way his friends behave and you are concerned that the behavior is rubbing off on him in other situations?
Here is what I think... I had "temper tantrums" throughout my childhood. Not many though, and other than those I was EXTREMELY well behaved like your son. I also had trouble as a young adult with "temper tantrums", so I took myself to a therapist. I found i was acting out on desperation. Then remember that, yes, I did very well believe that I was not being taken seriously and that no one understood me or believed me in certain situations. I was the youngest and my opinion seemed to be pushed aside cause- "what does she know?". I did have a high IQ (144), and made straight-A's, but instead of that giving me credit, it just made things worse for me, because I KNEW I knew things, and no one else thought I did (or so I thought). I also had troubles that I told no one about (I was sexually molested throughout my childhood by my grandfather) that was hurting me inside. On top of THAT, I grew up with a bad example on how one expresses themselves by my angry alcoholic father (who really wasn't a big part of my life, however...)
Perhaps (and I hope) your son doesn't have all those factors up against him, but maybe he has some sort of feeling of desperation. At that age, kids feel older and they know that they aren't "little" anymore. They know more. Perhaps with this knowledge he is dissatisfied with his standing in the family. Maybe give him more responsibilities. Have him know that you respect him and believe in him and trust him. Also, triggers to this behavior can be unbelievably small, but still- keep an eye out for the triggers. And as well, know you are there for him when he has those fits. Of course don't encourage that, but also let him know that even when his behavior is ugly, that you still love him (although YOU know you still love him- at those times of irrationality me may convince himself that he's alone and unloved).
This is just some kind of "guess" of mine... since I didn't get a good idea of the situation you were describing. Hope this helps.
OH- another thing: I don't know if you have told him or not, but don't tell him "I want my sweet boy back" because I have a strong belief that it further distances yourself from him... Kids take that saying in a totally different way. It worked very negatively with me when I was told that, and I've known other instances where it noticeably bothers the child (oh- I majored in psychology in college- so this is coming from what I've studied as well as experienced)
I am not sure that I have advice. My almost nine year old daughter is going through the same thing. I am interested in the responses.
I'm not sure if i understand. Is he mad or not mad. To me sucker punching is a game not mad.
If he's going from mad to not mad ignore it. Don't punish for it, it's natural to get mad you just need to give directions on how to deal with being mad. You could though send to room to calm down but it's not punishment. Tell him it would be a good idea to go to your room to calm down.
NOW if he's not really mad and playing rough i wouldn't ignore it completely.
Good luck
