Embarrassed About Husband's Temper

Wait, HE runs out of gas, now HE'S mad? And now YOU feel responsible for his behavior?

I'm sorry TJ, you're a kinder wife then I would be.

HE needs to clean up his own mess. He also owes YOU a HUGE apology, since you're a couple his behavior is a reflection on you.

Have you gone around making nice nice to fix things for him in the past?

Really, want me to talk to him? Grrrrrr

;(

It must have been pretty bad for the kids not to want to ride with him anymore.

Why didn't he just stop for gas??

The only way I would allow my child to be around your husband would be if I was there with her.

I am going to guess the neighbor parents feel the same way.

He needs to go over and apologize and promise he is never going to act like that around them again.

Or you need to go over there and apologize and promise he will not be driving the kids anymore, you will be the one to do the driving.

Either way, he really needs to start taking an anger management course, before he goes too far and someone reports him for harassment or something.

This cannot be good at his work..

Is your husband embarrassed by his own behavior?
If not, there's your biggest problem right there.
He needs to realized his behavior is a problem - that's it's affecting how friends and neighbors view your family.
He should not want to be setting a bad example, because kids WILL imitate it and the problem will grow.
He should apologize to the neighbors kids and their parents and he should get himself into an anger management class so he can learn there are better ways to handle frustration than to scare the dickens out of everyone around him when he loses control of himself.

I think it probably would have been best to go over and speak to the parents and apologize directly, in person. I still think your husband should do that and probably without you. He should offer to apologize to the kids again but be understanding if they are a little afraid of him.

This should be a humbling lesson for your husband, though. I hope he learns from it?

I have an aunt and uncle like this. My uncle goes on a tirade and curses everyone out, and here comes my aunt wringing her hands saying, 'He's sorry. He really is. He didn't meant to get upset, you know how he is.' That song and dance gets real tired, real fast. When I was a kid of was terrified of him. An angry adult is very, very scary to a child.

You didn't cause his anger issues, and you can't control it, but you can stop making excuses for him. There is nothing else you can do, you said what you had to say. The ball is in the neighbor's court.

EDIT: I read your SWH. Do you feel comfortable that it won't happen again? This doesn't sound like an isolated issue. If my husband were to do that he wouldn't be driving anyone's kids anywhere. I wouldn't want to give him the chance to have it happen again. People with anger issues have triggers, and what if he has a trigger with other people's kids in the car? I know you're trying to save the relationship with your neighbor, but I don't think you're doing the right thing by allowing this to potentially happen again, especially since he hasn't addressed the anger problems.

You can't drive them to school?

I'm sorry if my tone is a bit terse, but we're talking about other people's children and an adult with anger issues here. These are two things that do not mix in my opinion.

I lived in fear of my mother's temper, then married a man who was very much like her (first marriage). I lived with him for 13 years. I left him for good when I saw how terrified my daughter had become to be left alone with him.

He "tried" briefly a few times to get his temper under control, and either was not really intending to change, or was simply unable to do so. There were dozens of times we got kicked out of places because of his rages. We almost got kicked out of one of our apartments. He had the cops called on him a few times.

In spite of all that, I really didn't realize that I walked on eggshells every day because of his temper. I guess it was just what I was used to.

If you really need your husband to be different than he is, it will probably take some serious soul-searching on your part, and a clear decision of what YOU are willing to live with. You may need a counselor or mediator to help you state your needs clearly to your husband. If he loves you and cares enough about his child, he may be able to hear you and decide to change. I surely hope so. It doesn't always happen, though.

By the way, tomorrow is my 30th anniversary with my second husband. He's a gem, and has helped my daughter heal and marry a great spouse, and helped me heal and believe in my own worth.

Added: Marda's suggestion of checking out Non-violent Communication is a good one. My current husband and I have both learned those techniques. They can be extremely effective even if only one person is using them.

As much as I know you would like to make things better, your husband needs to step up and take responsibility for HIS actions and behaviors. He was the one who lost his temper and scared the kids. He needs to apologize and figure out the carpool situation so that it works for all. Stop making excuses for him. I know it is hard, but you will serve him better in the long-run if you allow natural consequences to come instead of interfering. GL

M

I so much agree with the moms who told you to stop making excuses for him.

I grew up with a dad, whom I love greatly and who has many wonderful qualities, who also had a very volatile temper. I can't tell you how that feels to a kid. My mom usually made excuses for him too. To this day my Dad scares me a little bit (how silly at 42). It inhibits me from showing my love for him. It's hard to feel close with him even though I love and admire him so much.

Guess what . . . I have a temper too. But years ago, motivated by my own children, I went to counseling to learn how to deal with it. What I realized is that - for me - anger is actually deep-seeded fear. I fear losing control, of looking stupid, of not doing something right. I'm a high achiever just like my dad, and I suspect that he has some of the same issues. I also learned that children don't tolerate volatility well, and it hurts them deeply. And ultimatey it hurts your relationship with them NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.

This incident could be the universe's way of sparking your husband to get some help. He probably is a really good guy, but this issue will do long-term damage if he's not careful. I would encourage him to talk with someone (perhaps under the guise of marriage counseling to get him started). Let him feel your love, but not acceptance of this issue. It's not acceptable. It's not excusable. It hurts your kids, directly and indirectly (i.e., embarrassment with the neighbors).

This is an incredible opportunity for all of you. I hope you seize it. Praying for you . . .

I think he might want to talk to the kid's parents as well.. it's probably the only true way to clear the air 100%... Also, if the neighbor kids felt afraid, I have to imagine that perhaps your own daughter might have some fears.. she now may even feel some shame... consider, sitting down with your family and hear how your daughter feels... we all get upset (I have done it too) so it's important to hear exactly how your husband's anger/outburst has affected her.. let alone the neighbors... I can't imagine that this is the first time your husband has gone off... now is the time to nip this in the bud... if you can..

good luck

I agree that your husband needs to be the one who apologizes. It's the natural consequence of his angry outburst and could help him do better next time.

I would also talk to the parents saying that you're embarrassed, etc. However, I wouldn't apologize for him. He needs to speak for himself.

Not knowing how he acted, if it was just swearing and being frustrated and not helpful for the kids then time may heal the situation so that you can car pool again. But if he yelled at the kids and appeared to be out of control to them this may be it as far as him driving the kids to school. Again, a natural consequence.

If you have to do all the driving, I'd switch some other job with your husband. Say, he gets the breakfast or does the dishes so that you have the time to drive all of the time.

Try to remain calm and persuasive about getting him into an anger management class. Natural to be angry at him. I'd be angry. But your anger will not convince him to get help. Your loving influence may.

I suggest reading Non-violent Communication. There is a book but also a web site that describes ways to talk with each other so that each is better heard and less defensive. Here is their site. http://www.cnvc.org/

His temper aside, I know running out of gas happens but I would not feel comfortable having my kids ride with someone who ran out of gas. This could be a very dangerous situation and I think it is irresponsible to run out of gas especially when you are the designated driver. All your husband can do is appologize but I would not count on carpooling anymore.

I think you need to call the parents with an explanation or if you can get him to apologize, he does owe them that.

I wouldn't say anything about carpooling again, but offer the understanding that they no longer want to do so.

Maybe this will be a good lesson for your husband to realize the effects of a bad temper, since it has caused someone else the embarrassment.

The other day in the parking lot at my daughter's school, a Mom was backing her car into the spot next to me. The problem was my daughter (6) and I were loading into our vehicle. I got my daughter into the truck, but I had to stand flat against my door so I wasn't in her way. I was annoyed and my daughter knew it when I got in.

She said to me..."Mommy, I hope that is not one of my friends mom's because we are all a family here".

Point taken.

Well, it all depends on what losing his temper means and what exactly he did. If he was cussing and slamming the doors and such, that is out of control. But some people see a short episode of frustration as loss of temper, so it depends.

He should go over or call and apologize, tell them he got overly frustrated due to the stressful situation, and that he will not allow it to happen again, and understands why they do not wish to carpool. But he should let them decide if they want to carpool on their own as time passes, he should also tell them how sorry he is and that he hopes that the children can still be friends. Then, he needs to take some anger management courses and get this under control.

My dad was like that but only at home. My Mom used to talk about how my brother and I always did as we were told, more my brother than me, and one looked at her and said of course we did we were to afraid not to. My dad would rant and rave and rant and rave about the dumbest stuff. And if he got sick there was hell to pay.

You are not doing your kids any favors by staying with a man who has a bad temper. You are raising them to fear one of the persons in their lives who should understand and love them unconditionally. My advice to you is to tell him to get his temper under control, anger management classes, counseling, whatever works or leave. Children raised in that environment will either become angry monsters like their dad or will always live in fear. Get out while the getting is good.

Your husband must make the apology to your neighbors and the kids. It is his responsibility and his alone. If he doesn't you will probably be moving on the rest of your life or staying on your own without many friends for you, or your children.

Please keep us posted....ALSO, you should not be the ONE who is emarrassed! Keep that in mind mama.

Yeah, they may take your daughter to school, but I can tell you if my GD was in that car, she wouldn't be getting back in it! My worry is road rage. If he loses his cool because HE failed to put gas in the car, then how is he going to react when someone cuts him off and then slows down or whatever.

No, if he loses it just because he runs out of gas, then he would not be driving my GD anywhere.

Sorry!

Depends on what you mean by losing his cool. Did he get out and kick a tire and say Damn!" And then bark at whoever he had to deal with to solve the problem? Or did he scream and rant and swear a blue streak and slam his fists into the steering wheel and get out and throw a tantrum hitting the car and screaming, calling the kids names blaming it on them for having to go to school in the first place? One seems somewhat normal considering the situation, and the other shows a real lack of control especially when young children are present. He should go to the neighbors himself and let them know he is sorry for being a jerk and not having enough gas to start with when he had the responsibility of transporting kids that day. Unless he was scary violent and physically frightened the kids, Id say he should let them know he is sorry and take his turn driving the next time it comes around. He should also at that time reasure both parents and kids that he has enough gas so that lousy ordeal wont be repeated and tell the kids again how sorry he is that it all happend to start with, and then get them to school and move on. If he was horribly scary to them, I wouldnt want him driving my kids again and he should still tell them how sorry he is and get some help with his anger before he hurts someone. You will have to drive your turn and his, and be mad enough at him to make an impression on him. He needs help and you shouldnt have to be the one appoligizing to the neighbors. Hes the immature idiot who did the deed. Let him take the fall for it.

ugh...i have been there. my husband had a problem in general with anger management and controlling his temper.

what helped us was talking to our pastor. that, and about 10 years of me harping on him about it and huge blowout fights. i finally said either we do something to fix this or i am done. he had done anger management right before i met him and it had been SO much better. but 10 years later, it was like he'd forgotten all he'd learned. so i said either he goes again, or we get some counseling, or something. or our marriage was going to be over. it had really gotten bad. not violent, but to the point where his son was really distanced from him because of the fear. absolutely ridiculous.

so yes, we talked to our pastor and got on the same page about some things and it helped. i personally also think that he has mellowed as he's gotten a little older and wiser. he has seen how it negatively affected his child.

my husband, i'm sure just like yours, has a lot of really great qualities. don't give up on him if you know he's worth it. just keep pushing him to deal with this. being embarrassed is going to end up the least of your problems. he needs to learn to control himself so he doesn't end up alienating his kids (and you).

I would tell you not to worry about it, but I would not let my child around your husband unless I was there. Other moms won't be bothered at all.

HE needs to go over in person and apologize with a smile today.

I don't think anything else can be done but what you have already done. I understand the neighbor not wanting her kids to feel uncomfortable, but if he keeps his cool I think the kids will warm back up and things will get better again. Just give the kids time & try to play with them around the houses some.

So you know, I do understand tempers or tantrums can be embarrassing no matter what the age is of the person doing it. My car has a lot of issues, but I know we can't afford to fix it or get a new one - so I deal & know I may be stuck somewhere till the car decides it time to go. Now my hubby on the other hand, gets mad everytime it acts up... but he knows we don't have the money to fix it, he just thinks for some reason it should run right. I really can't wait till the doctors clear me and I can drive again this summer - that why I know my steering wheel won't be tugged on when the car won't start. But unless he chooses to stay cool, he won't... and yes I hate his temper, but it is one of the few things I dislike & I love so much more of him. So, I do feel your pain & hope he chooses to control himself a little better in the furture.