Leaving DH

Dr.Phil says that it is better for the kids to be from a broken home THAN in a broken home. Ask your family for help for 4 months. Set a goal. get a job,get a babysitter, and get an apartment. Then send your family member a huge thankyou . Good Luck!!!!PS--- before you leave, sincerely pray that you did everything you could to make this marriage work. When you leave, you will be able to hold your head up.

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As someone who has been through divorce, let me just say that leaving was the hardest thing I ever did. You can expect a long period of adjustment. The kids may be crying for things to go back the way they were. My kids did, but eventually they adjusted. I also am happy to say that I met a wonderful man and remarried. Things are wonderful in my current marriage. We now have one child together and another on the way. I share custody of my older two (ages 7 1/2 & 4 1/2) with my ex. They spend about 4 days with me and 3 with him every week. Unfortunately, he lives a half hour away or we would pass them back and forth more often. My oldest homeschools, which makes things a little easier, but he still brings her to me for her classes and activities. The important thing is to eventually get to a point where you can discuss things civilly. They are still both your children. That will likely take completing the grieving process for both of you. For awhile, emotions will run hot and it is common for harsh words to fly around. My ex wouldn't even take the kids at all at first because he didn't want to give the opportunity to go out and meet other guys. Eventually, he realized that his kids were more important than making my life hell. We were even able to do our own divorce, without a lawyer, but this is next to impossible for many people.

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Being a single mom can be pretty scary and lonely. I was a SAHM for ten years so I was in the same boat. First, you need to figure out what kind of job you would have and how much child support your dh would have to pay. Keep in mind, that could get ugly. Mine hasn't paid in ages and owes me $14K so things are tight.

Have you considered marriage counseling? How does your dh feel about the marriage? Do whatever you can to fix the relationship before you leave. If you don't, you might always wonder.

P.,
I don't know all the particulars of your situation, but you need to get out of there! If you are not married to this guy (but if he's the father of your children) DO NOT feel like you have to stay with him. I was once in a similar situation but fortunately I plucked up the courage to liberate myself (along with my daughter) and am now very happily married with three children. As far as moving in with family, do so...it would be better than the situation you are in. Since you have no income of your own I don't know, personally, of any other options.
My heart goes out to you! I hope you decide to do what is best for you and your children.

N. D.

I don't really have that much advice on what to do after you leave him but I just felt compelled to share. My parents were married for 22 years, for all of the years that I was present all I can remember is fighting, my mom crying, the tension and awkwardness. It doesn't matter than dh is nice to your kids, he is mean to you and they see that and know that, you stay and you run the risk f scaring your kids forever. Finally when I was 18 and my brother was 13 my parents divorced, it was awful! It is s much harder when the kids are older, bad or not they have by then developed some dysfunctional connection. My best friends parents had divorced before she was 2 and she has no memory of it and had no emotional issues because of it, she never really knew any different. I wish that when I was 5 and my parents were screaming they wanted a divorce that they had actually gotten one, not waiting another 13 years. Your daughter will copy in her adult life what she sees you do in yours. Like some have said though too you must stay with family for a little bit, you and your children will need the support, and to see that because you and daddy aren't together anymore doesn't mean your alone and not loved, that your family is there too.

Yep, I was going to tell you to do the same thing as the last mom. Go apply for food stamps, medicaid and everything you can.

S.

if you are really seriuos about leaving, you need to speak with a divorce attorney. some will meet with your for free and other charge a fee. they can tell you what your options are as far as allimony, child support, etc. then you can go to the cabinet for families and children, " the welfare office" if you will. they can help you get signed up for food stamps, medicaid for your kids, and even suggest some places to live that are based on your income. hope this helps.

I read the other responses before I decided to write. Some said it was an abusive relationship others didn't say. I am a strong advocate for the family. You can't make this decision without thinking what is best for the FAMILY. Not, what is best for you. If it is abusive, it is not good for the family. My parents divorced when I was 12 and have had to work really hard at making my own marriage work for the sake of the children we brought into the world. All marriages have periods of ups and downs. After 30 years of marriage, I can see that sticking it out through the hard times has helped us to produce 5 well rounded children that have what it takes to finish a bad sports season, a college degree, struggles with serious illness, parenting, etc.
I wish you and your children the best.

Ok...I have 2 sisters who were in the same situation. You should absolutely take advantage of staying with your parents for a short time. They both stayed with me for 4 months until they got their own place. It took them some time to breathe...regroup, and figure out what they needed to do without a huge emotional turmoil and anxiety. Here's why: It will take at least a month for you to receive child care assistance after you apply, or even get your first paycheck. You dont want add more stress by what will be - a financial struggle already. I don't know what you are eligible for or what kind of job experience you have, or even what kind of child support you will receive....but staying with your parents will give you the time you need to sort all that out....not to mention its a good place for your kids to be while you make arrangements to get your furniture, clothes, ect...and contact an attorney. You must let go of feeling like a burden to them in the interim....help clean up, make meals, take out trash and go to a friends house or take the kids to McD's two nights a week to give your parents some quiet time......that will really help to eliveate your guilt and most likely make your folks happier people.

As far as services go...apply for EVERYTHING! You never know what you could get, Welfare, medicaid, WICC, child care assistance, housing... FYI I believe as long as you make under 26,000 -27,000 a year you should get childcare assistance for two kids.....My sister recently lost her childcare assistance due to a raise.

I really wish you the best of luck....I have been there myself years ago.....and its not easy but time does pass and things do get better.

Oh and one more thing: Make sure you get your hands on some of that tax return this year.

R.

First of all I want to applaud you for being brave enough to get out of this bad situation. Many women continue to suffer in bad relationships because it's hard to leave. You are truly an example to all women!
Now, back to your question. I know it may feel like you are burdening your family by asking for help, but I think they would be extremely proud of you and more than willing to help in any way. I would stick to your guns and go, before you come up with any excuses to stay! Making the initial move is the hardest part. Figure out the details later. I won't lie, it will be a difficult time, but if you wait to figure out every detail, you will never go. There are many programs for single moms, some offer childcare or the option to bring kids with you to work depending on the job. There are many assistance programs to help with food, shelter, and support for single moms. Good luck with everything!
Please never forget what a brave thing you are doing for yourself and your children by getting out of an abusive relationship!!!!

P.-I was married to a guy that was not very good either. We seperated when my son was five months old. DO YOU RESEARCH! Look on the internet, to start about your states laws, for example in the state that I live in if a mother has not gone back to work and her child is 3 or under then she does not have to work until the child turns 4 years old and the "DH" will have to pay child support as well as alimony. By doing your research you will know what your options are. Do so google searchs and it will help. Also a divorce attny. will meet with you and tell you what to expect. If you do end up getting a divorce, get a good attny.!