Need Some Advice/thoughts on This

My name is D.
i have a baby girl and i'm a single mom and needed help.
I went to the child support office,it did cost me any money for them to help me get money from her father,i did ever say if you don't pay you can't see her,but he is her father and it is my job to make her father responsible
it is easy to do this,it is for them afterall

best wishes

Hi Y.,
I had a similiar situation with my son, who is now 18. His dad & I split up when he was 2.5. I did have help from my mom & sister as far as caregiving. I never pushed the money issue, but that was really going against what everyone else told me I should do. I thought it was way more important for Jake to have a good relationship with his dad instead of keeping his dad away because he couldn't pay his child support. That really just punished Jake. I got a lot of flack about it, but I still think I did the right thing. Dad finally got it together somewhat, Jake is 18 now and has a wonderful relationship with his dad. It was hard, but so worth it....good luck and best wishes.
D.

you say that you and the childrens father were never legally married but was recognized by the state as being married. I can say this you will still need to go and file for divorce because you are considered common law married which requires a divorce because as far as the state is concerned you are married. This is really the only way you will be able to really enforce the father to pay child support.

You dont have to take him to court to get child support. Go online with the Attny General office and fill out the Application, they will send you and "dad" a letter in the mail to appear in their office, no court rooms. The process is very easy and they will also set up a visitation schedule which may in the long run get dad to spend more time the children. It is very important to let the children see their father, but it is also important for you to be able to provide for your children. You dont have to be divorced to get child support.

You're children are eligable for child support. It does not matter if you were married to their father or not. There are plenty of programs out there that can provide free or less expensive help/advice on retrieving past due child support.
Supporting your children is the law... he is breaking it.

Hi Y.,

Is there any way you can disconnect the two issues of child visitation and money? I think that issues of access to one's own children are so emotional that sometimes putting child support into the equation of visitation can actually cause the other parent to panic so much that it does more harm than good. What if you were to say something like "I want you in the kids life, they love you, and you're a good father to them in most respects, but at some point as they get older they are surely going to realize that one reason life in our family has been so h*** o* all of us is that you haven't been providing any financial support. I would like to set up a plan for how you will help with their support -- something that you can manage -- so that I can make sure they grow up knowing that part of a father's responsibility to his children is to help support them and take care of their material needs."

That way, the motivation would be for him to make sure his boys grow up to be responsible fathers themselves and that they see him as a responsible father who did his best to meet their needs.

If this doesn't fit with something in the situation, by all means ignore it -- but I find it very helpful if I can "get out of the way" of a person seeing that it is their own choices that lead to results they are getting, instead of them focusing on me as the bad guy. If your ex could get that eventually his sons will be old enough to understand that he didn't help out and thus imposed a lot of hardships on you and on them. Your only part in all this is to make it clear you won't lie or cover up for him when they ask questions.

All best wishes!
M. (mother of a six year old daughter)

What state are you in? In Texas the district attorney would handle the money this for you at no cost to you. Visitation is a different thing. You will have to handle that at your discretion. It really is about taking care of the children.

Y..
We have added you to our family prayers. I understand most of what you are going through because I was a single mom for over 10 years. My children's father did not pay child support until I went to the courts and even then he went 2 full years without paying anything while I had 4 kids to feed. I am a Christian, though, and I could never speak ill to the children about their father, nor did I tell them that he was not paying. I let him see them whenever they wanted. It is never proper to prohibit visitation in relation to the lack of child support funds. It is not even legal. The thing is...it was not their fault he was like that. They very much need BOTH parents and they need to see each in a good light. God will give the reward/punishment to the one who deserves it. I had to make sure that I was a very good mother. If I spoke badly about the dad, even if it was true, I would be a worse mother than what I could be. I can't beg you enough to Not Talk Badly About The Father In Front of The Children! It sounds like your children's father wants to start trying to help. I suggest to get some legal enforcement, though, just in case things change. I have learned that you should get any child support funds automatically deducted from his paycheck by the employer and automatically credited to your bank account. It is the least obtrusive way.
Here is a website with info: http://www.hcdistrictclerk.com/FAQ/faq.aspx#FAQ50

This website says: "Harris County Child Support does not have the paperwork to establish child support. When a customer wants to establish child support, the customer can hire an attorney, ask the Attorney General for representation, contact the Harris County Domestic Relations Office or go to any law library to obtain information on how to prepare a petition for child support. The Harris County Law Library is located at 1019 Congress, 17th floor, Houston, Texas 77002-1700". It sounds kind of "cold" but there seems to be two places to go for help: The Attorney General, and Harris Co. Domestic Relations.

The Attorney General’s Office is a state office that can assist in every aspect of child support enforcement. The telephone number is ###-###-####.

The Harris County Domestic Relations Office assists Harris County residents (the applicant is required to reside in Harris County and the other party in Texas) with enforcement of child support, enforcement of visitation, paternity establishment, termination of wage withholding and offer attorney consultations. Their telephone number is ###-###-####.

Maybe some one in those offices can help you find the place to start some legal action. See if you can keep it on a friendly basis and tell "Dad" that this is just for the children's benefit so that they can eat food and wear clothes to school and go to the doctor. Also, if they go to public school, see if you can get an appointment with the school counselor. She/He may have some "community services" type information with a list of places to go for help.

I used a lawyer and it was about $3,000 which I put on a credit card and am still paying off! But I think there is a less expensive way to do it. I am not sure about the "divorce" requirements.

If you do not make much money, try getting on Medicaid, or Aid to Families With Dependant Children, or Welfare. Each of those agencies will interview you and ask about the father. Then, if they accept you into the program, they will pursue the father for financial support and you will not have to.

A quick Websearch should provide you with the contact information on those programs.

I pray for your health both physical and spiritual!

MaryP

Okay, I hate to do this, but I'm going to be very blunt. You can love your kids all you want but you have to provide for them. He needs to be pulling his share of support. Unless you win a lottery or have some other source of income, you may have no choice but to go to court. However, here is what I see. I see no commitment on either part. You couldn't commit to be married and you couldn't commit to a divorce. You don't want to go to court and yet you want him to commit to child support. You both seem to need to work on commitment issues.

Y.,
I would suggest contacting the Texas Attorney General. It does not matter if you were married only that he is the father. They will do all the legal work involved. They do not work for you but for the state in regards to your children. I too went through the same thing for years of making excuses, trying to work out deals but unfortunately I believe it is some men's nature to avoid responsibility unless they are forced to. He sounds like one of those men.

It is hard at first (filing for support) but it is worth in the long run. You will have extra help financially so you will have more time to spend with the kids instead of trying to pick up shifts for extra money. I am a firm believer that fathers need to do their part to support the kids both emotionally and financially.

You do not need to keep the boys from him unless you believe they may be in harms way. It is very important for them to know their father and let them have their own relationship with him. Completely detached from your's and his. I think sometimes children take on the other parent's view of the ex and that is not healthy.

The best thing I can tell you is to let your boys know you love them and get a good schedule with work / home so they do not feel shuffled around between everyone. And file for support!

I know you have gotten a ton of responses, but no one has addressed another option: make more money for yourself and don't depend on the worthless guy. Trying to get child support from this guy is going to be like squeezing blood from a rock. Unless he is working, he has no money to give. He can simply quit his job and the state can't get a dime out of him. The way they do it, if they do find that he owes you money, is to attach his paycheck or his bank account. If he doesn't have one, or doesn't have one that they know about, you are out of luck. Your boys are both school age which should free you up from 8-3-ish depending on their specific schedule. Some public schools offer a before-care or after-care program. If they don't and I know that it sounds like you like your job, waiting tables looks like your best option. If you can find the busiest lunch restaurant in town and apply there, you can make a lot of money. I put myself through college waiting tables and made like $100-$200 a day. If you find a place that serves alcohol too, that is even better because the bills will be more expensive and the tips will be better. If you get on the lunch shift, you usually work 11-3...maybe you could go to your other job just part time in the morning from 8-10:30. Just something to think about. The other thing to consider is the Air Force Reserves. (Depending on your age) My daughter has a boy in her class whose Mother supports two boys by being in the Reserves. I was in the Air Force and basic training is really easy and not like the Army or Marines at all!!!! It is also the safest branch of the military! It may be worth looking into, and who knows, maybe you would meet a great guy with a steady job and be able to get your life back! If you have questions, please e-mail me.

Stop giving him money. He's using you.
Cathy

Hi Y.,

All the moms who responded had a lot of advice to consider. THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT SITUATION, PLEASE CONSIDER GETTING SOME FREE COUNSELING OR OTHER SERVICES TO HELP YOU DECIDE WHAT IS BEST FOR THE KIDS.

My husband comes from a large family and over the past 25 years we have seen an average number of divorces and pain. It seems to be that once lawyers are involved and one parent tries to force the other to do something, things quickly spiral and turn ugly, and the children come out the losers.

I encourage you to try the "heart to heart" with him and try to strike up an agreement. Perhaps his extended family will help support in areas where he doesn't - it sounds like his mother is involved to a degree. After that conversation, if you bring her in on the situation, she might be willing to encourage him to support the kids more also.

You might also seek counseling to work through to the best decision or mediation if your ex will agree to it. But again, the less "forcing" the situation the easier it is on the kids. Think outside the box and look at a combination of possibilities.

There is a great series of books out there by Dr Cloud called "Boundaries". I encourage you to get the one that best applies to your situation and read it. One observation - you are the one raising your kids, but you have loaned him money? Think about what you may have been enabling in doing that. If his mother is supporting him regularly, what is she enabling?

Don't let the importance of the decision paralyze you. Get some expert advice (from a good local source) to help you make the best decision for all concerned.

Good luck,
J. B
Parent Coach

The University of Houston Law School is a fee legal source that helps any situation frre of charge. I found this out by ABC.13news.com click on consumer department or just look on the web for U of H Law Schol.

It's unfortunate that your ex can't or won't live up to his responsibilites. However, without a court order you can't refuse to let him see his children. Is there an order of support included in your divorce, since you had children when you divorced there should be. You can either see a lawyer to have it enforced, or you can check with the attorney general. No matter what you decide, you can't withhold the children from their father.

Go to the Attorney General’s office and file for child support. It’s free. You’ll be treated as if you have on 5 carats of diamonds and are filing for welfare but do it. As long as he is the father – they’ll EVENTUALLY get child support out of him. I know you said you didn’t want to go to court but that’s your only choice. Unless you want to continue to beg, plead & never be able to count on his help. Like I did for years. At least once the AG’s office gets an order, your ex won’t get an income tax return until the arrears are paid off. And, it will be drawing interest if he doesn’t pay.

You said “What I would like advice on is if I need to tell their dad to start paying or lose the chance to see his kids, and deny my children their father?” You can’t legally do that if he has legal visitation. You can tell him that if he doesn’t starting paying XXX amount on the 1st of the month every month that you will file going back for years and he’ll have a lot more to pay.

How are you going to feel when he’s spending his money on another woman and her kid?

It’s legal and moral that he pays child support. We should not have to beg.

Why do we consider mothers who allow the father to have custody the lowest form of life yet we are accepting of fathers who run out on their responsibility?

First you probably should go to counselling - you are totally embroiled in thsi man who sounds like a total loser. I understand he is your childrens biological father and that is very noble of you to keep him involved, but that doesn't mean you need to be involved with him. Stop giving him money and set up some boundaries.
Second, if you and he had in the past gone and registered as common law married, then you are still married and you need to register as common law divorced - or you are still financially liable for him.
Third, I agree stay out of court at all cost. The tiny amount of money he might provide will not compensate for the list of rights he will get and the control of your children that you lose. I have recently had an acquaintance unbelievably have her two children sent to live with a dad, who walked out 3 years before, for 6 months (court orderd) to see how it works - a little sociologic experient courtesy of a sadistic single-mother hating judge. THe whole thing started because she reasonably asked for more child support and her ex got nasty and just decided he would show her and get the kids.

Fair is fair, yes if he plays (which he did when he created two children) he should pay. Life isn't fair. Set the boundaries and then see if you can get him to pay without court involvement. GOOD LUCK

I know that going to court probably makes sense and I don't have any experience with this, but I do have experience with passive aggressive men. Does he have money to feed and cloth himself? What kind of a father would put food in his own mouth and clothes on his own back before he would feed and clothe his own babies? He takes your money? I can tell you love him and that's a hard habit to break. I think you should forget about him and do what you have to do to make your situation livable. He's not going to change his ways just because you drag him into court. I wouldn't deny him his children because two wrongs don't make a right, but I wouldn't hold your breath waiting for money from him. If he sees you making it without him, he might decide to finally grow up.

Hi Y.,
I was raised in a very similar situation. No one can tell you what to do, but I can offer some insight. A true father is not a "Disney Dad" who is only around to have fun with the kids. A father is someone who is responsible for his children, both financially and in turn, emotionally.
A mother with sons is raising the future. You and your husband are teaching them how to be men. Right now, they are learning from example. Your ex is an example of everything that is wrong. You are an example of what is right. Unfortunately, your sons will learn from their father that it is ok to not be responsible for your children, and in turn will grow up to be like their Dad. You have an opportunity to raise real men, and to be responsible. You can still meet someone else who treats them and you like you are the most important people in the world.

Just my 2 cents!

You need to get divorced for several reasons. First, it is symbolic and second, if you are to claim any child support, it is important that you prove you are no longer married. Second, stop loaning your ex money. He needs to take financial responsibility to himself and to you. Third, is there a support group that you can join through your church or any other organization. It would help you tremendously if you had a network of friends that could support and encourage you. Good Luck!

Y.,
I know you will get all kinds of advice. You need to do what your heart tells you but you also need to think about your boys. Giving their father money takes money away from them. DO NOT give him any more money. He is an adult, let him go hungry, or walk if he can't afford gas then maybe he will grow up.
Check with your neighborhood ministry for help with after school daycare, or if you have your own church. Workforce is a good place to start too. Most schools have the YMCA for after school programs. There is also the boys and girls club. Not sure where you live or what income bracket you're in. Ask neighbors, maybe there is someone who would babysit cheap. Or trade off with you.
If the dad is not dependable then don't depend on him. I would not tell you to kick him out of their lives but tell him you need help and you exspect him to pitch in. Times are getting hard for everyone around.
Good luck!!

Wow. First I commend you for taking care of your boys on your own. I can imagine how difficult it must be. My advice to you is to wait a little longer if it's the money you want. A few weeks in a new job for someone unstable isn't really much time to give. Give him several months and focus on you. It sounds like you've been doing it on your own for a while and you have been doing very well. Focus on how you can attract things to your life to make it easier. I guess what I'm saying is don't focus on getting money from him because it's likely to dissapoint you. Give yourself the gift of letting that go. Focus on the fact that your boys are blessed to have a relationship with their father, over time I promise, the sting of his instability will subside and you will create more abundance in your life than you can imagine. The more attention you give to something the more it grows. The more you "see" that he's not giving you money, then, the more you see he's not giving you money. Try watching the movie "the secret" or reading inspiring books like "ask and it is given" by Jerry and Ester Hicks. I recently read "A new Earth" by Tolle and it's wonderful. Surround yourself with positive people and environments and you will begin to see miracles in your life. I've seen so many people in situations similar to yours really change their life for the better without expecting anything from those who are "keeping" things from them. God bless you and thank you for being such a strong woman for your boys. What a great experience for them to see a woman can do what you do.

Your story is like so many of us out here. All of the mothers that are telling you not to let your boys see their father I'm sure mean well; however that is the worst thing you can do to your children, especially boys. If the relationship they have is a healthy, clean and happy one... let it continue; however let your ex know that his behavior and example is what your son's will see and may try to emulate(copy) him one day. Hopefully, your example of being a responsible and loving parent is what they will be like when they grow up. Children do observe and any faults that your ex has they will eventually see and make their own decisions and come to their own conclusions. My advice is to never speak ill of their father in their presence. Teach your boys positive things, take them to church to be active in wholesome activities. I was a single mother of 3 children at the time of my separation and divorce nearly 18 years aago. Two girls, 6 and 4... One son.. nearly 2. My oldest daughter is 25 and married/ employed/ no children. My second daughter is 23 and employed full-time supervisor/ attends community college and hopes to enroll in an Occupational Therapy program. That said, both of my girls were wonderful, no problems, no headaches that were not quickly resolved. All three of my children were allowed to visit their father regularly. We moved 300 miles away from him; however he continued to travel to pick them up and take them home for the summer and holidays. I too did not receive any child support for long time; however the expense he took to travel to get them, care for them and bring them back was commendable. He wasn't perfect, but he helped in many other ways. I did go to court through the attorney general's office to have child support awarded( he was not happy); however at the time he was not working due to an on the job injury. When he received disability the child support was garnished. I was blessed to be able to care for my children on my own; I received some rental assistance from the Housing Authority; and childcare through the Neighborhood Centers. Contact these agencies to see if they can be of assistance to you. My payments were based on my income.
My son to this day because he was so young when his father was no longer a fixture in the household has some anger issues; partly because some dads deal with their sons in a much harsher manner than they do their daughters, they expect more and are not coddling as we mothers are. My ex also never called by phone regularly "just to see how he was doing"; therefore my son now at age 19 soon to be 20 no longer speaks to him even though I encourage it, because he is still his father.
I pray for you and your sons that you will be blessed with resources and help to lighten your load; because this is a difficult time enough to raise children especially when you don't have very much money. I am now remarried and homemaker ( not rich but happy ) I teach my children to work for everything they want. My son has been working and will be purchasing his own car soon and I will no longer have to take him to work. (yeah!!!)

Boys need there Fathers. Some people state that anyone can be a DAD but it takes a special person to be a Father. So if your ex is being a positive force in their lives don't take that away... someone else wrote that you should give him a little time to get on his feet if he has just now started working. Stress can make things backfire if pushed into a corner and by all means.... stop loaning him money!! You need it.

It sounds as though you have been very patient with your "ex." However, I believe that you need some legal advice because you have not been legally married, so I do not know if you can get the attorney general's office to garnish his wages to help with child support if you are not divorced.There are lawyers who work pro-bono- or for free. You need to call and find out how to contact one in your state.They can give you legal advice. Does your ex want to see the boys? If so, you should tell him that he cannot see them until he starts paying child support. Get him to sign a paper in front of a notary public and have the paper notarized. That is a legal document. Then, he will be clear that he can't see his kids until he starts helping with their support. My assistant teacher had a similar problem, but it was even worse because her ex had abused her , but she was divorced and she got his wages garnished. That has helped her a lot. Good luck. J. K.

Whether or not you let him see the kids or not, you obviously are not getting any money. I don't believe you can legally keep your kids from seeing their dad and I don't see why you would want to use them as pawns in the money game. It's sad all the way areound but when you try to use the kids as a bargaining tool - they are the ones who lose. A broke dad is better than no dad unless he abuses them or puts them in dangerous or immoral situations. I'm in child care and I see the repercussions of this all the time. DO NOT USE THE KIDS AS PAWNS. Take him to court and do things through a neutral process.

You could go to the department of Child Support Services. You don't actually go to court when you set up a case with them. You can get the minimum amount of support from them. They take your income and his income and determine how much he should be paying. I did this with my children's dad. We didn't need to go to court. And we both opted to have the support taken from his wages since he is bad with money. It doesn't matter if you were married or not. As long as you have him listed as the father on the birth certificate.

Remember you wouldn't be denying your children a father. He would be doing that. It is his choice to be involved or not to be involved with his children.

I am not picking on your by any means and I am not taking up for him, but I am going to be matter of fact with you.

He has just as much right to your children as you do. At any time he could pull up with a sheriff's deputy and get his children, you have no court orders to determine who has custodial rights. Which means, he wouldn't have to give them back. He could also pull up at daycare and pick them up and without you having an order to keep that from happening, he would be within his rights as their father.I have never understood why mom's think that if the dad doesn't pay support they lose the right to see their kids. He has no court order to pay support either. UNfortunately, some men have to have a judge to make them responsible for their children. I realize legal is expensive, but legal protects you and your children. There is free legal aide available, but I am not certain of how it works. You might be able to call a lawyer's office and ask about it or possibly ask about it on this board.

I do believe if you file for government assistance and name his the father they will go after him for support and that might be something to look into as well.

Good luck!

My husband's ex denies him visitation on a regular basis. He pays his child support and is current on it, yet she finds a way to make visitation very difficult or at times comes up with very lame excuses as to why the boys cannot make it to visits.

They have been split up since the boys were 3 and 5; they are now 19 and 17 and they love their dad. He calls as often as he can, as we now live 12 hours away due to military duty. When we are in California we take the extra 4 hour drive to see them, get a hotel and spend as much time with them as possible.

My point is, denying him visitation is not fair to the children, nor is it fair to your ex. Although you do not want to go the Court route, that is probably the only sane way to go. They also, or most Court's do, have low-cost or legal aid type services if money is an issue. You can also have a paralegal work up the petition for child support. It is a pain in the butt, however, I can tell you that when my husband's boys are ready, they will know the truth about why the visitation with their father was so sporadic. I know that over the years they have come to realize that their mother is into sabotage and I have a strong feeling that as they continue to mature, they will resent her more and more.

I wish you luck and commend your efforts to raise your kids alone, as a military wife I am often faced with the same issue of being both parents 24/7 and it is not easy. But as women, we suck it up and do what we have to! Stay strong and good luck!

Very similiar situation to me and my son's father. I feel your best bet is to turn everything over to child support services. They do all the leg work and no court involved unless he doesnt make payments. All the payments go through this office and it they enforce child support. I didnt receive child support for four years. I finally receive child support monthly plus back child support. Now that he is working they will be able to find all that information out and take the child support directly from his pay and into your account. DO IT.....you and your children deserve it. I have included the link.

http://www.oag.state.tx.us/index.shtml

I can totally appreciate where you are coming from. My situation is similar. My sons father is really a wonderful man, but not when it comes to his responsibilities as a provider and helper. In the beginning I knew he was going from job to job, so I agreed to a very low child support payment. (Less than $100 every other week). That was 11 years ago and he's still paying the same thing. He even went several years without paying anything because he was in and out of jobs. I was about to take on a second job last fall when I realized that this was ridiculous. His father has remarried, and they had a new baby this past year, and he has been working steadily for a couple of years now...but never offered to help me or do anything. I've also always been very flexible with him on seeing his son, because there were SO many weekends that he didn't or couldn't take him, so when he could, I didn't hesitate to let him...no matter what weekend it was. Anyway...I finally asked if I could just have a heart to heart with him because I too did not want to go to court or have the expense of an attorney. I explained to him that I was really doing my best handling everything the way it was, but that things were beginning to spin out of control and I really needed his help. I explained all of the misc. items that were expenses (doctor visits, orthodics for his shoes, clothes, sports that he participated in) that were above and beyond just normal living. I told him I did NOT want to take him to court, but really needed some assistance from him. I told him that I would not increase his child support, if he would simply offer from time to time to give me some help. So far it has worked out pretty good. When he can, he has given me a few hundred at a time. Not a lot, but it is helping. He also told me to let him know when I needed to purchase items for sports and school and he would help where he could. So far it is working out ok. I don't know if just talking to your boys dad will help, but sometimes a sincere PLEA for help works. Maybe he doesn't realize how tough things really are for you. Things always seem to look better from the outside, so maybe he just doesn't know. I with you the best, as I know it is tough. I still struggle, but at least now I don't hesitate to call and ask him for some help. Good luck to you!

It is time for dad to step up to the plate and be a responsible parent. Stop killing yourself and letting him off the hook. Good grief! No more loaning him money, either. You are making it sooooo easy for him to be a loafer. I had the same issues with my ex. I NEVER withheld visitation but I did make him be responsible. The courts were very helpful. It doesn't matter if you were married or not. Is his name on the birth certificates as the father? The attorney general's office is very helpful. If you think court is a headache just wait until your kids want to be in sports,etc. Do you want to be the 'bad' parent because you cannot afford it? If you tell your kids that they cannot see dad anymore, you will be the mean parent. I would think it would be a better life lesson for your kids to see BOTH parents being responsible for their well being. Don't let your issues about "dad" become the guidance for making the father of your children not be financially responsible. It took both of you to create, it should be both of you supporting.

cut him off and you do not have to pay court fees if you go through the attorney generals office, they wll make him pay everything. you don't have to be divorced if he's not living in the house. Do research before you sy somethings is inpossible.

Get in touch with support kids out of Austin. You pay nothing until they start getting payments for you and take a percentage. Something is alot better than nothing. I have a daughter who is older now but still resents her dad had to be found and made to take his responsibilites.
supportkids
PO Box 49459
Austin, Tx 78765
###-###-####
Good luck!

You need to contact the Office of the Attorney General in your state. Its free, they've helped me tremendously & continue to help me. Being a father is more than being there for the kids, its his moral obligation to help support the kids, its not fair to you or your kids that you have to take on the whole financial burden. He is taking advantage of your kindness, and the only one who can stop that is you. So call & make an appointment asap, the more prepared you are, the quicker they can help you. But by all means do not keep the kids from him, by law visitation & child support are two separate issues, but you do need to go by a standard visitation schedule, it's best for you & your kids if you have a schedule, every other weekend,etc., the kids need that & so do you. Your ex-husband is not your responsiblity, your kids are & you need to do what is best for them (& for you). Once you start getting financial help from him, you can work less & not be as stressed & be there for your kids, they need you. Please call, Good luck & God Bless

My only advice to you is try to talk to the Father and work out a payment schedule and if that doesn't work I really think you need to take legal action. You didn't have to be married to collect child support, all the courts care about is that he's the biological father. I know that's not what you want to do, but if he doesn't start paying then what other choice to you have? I'm sure the extra money would help you with supplying things that your children need, and that's what you have to remember that you would be doing this for your children. Good luck.

you do not have to be married by a jp or church to be able to collect child support, just prove that he is the father. Contact the attorney general's office for assistance with collecting child support. You don't have to have a lawyer either. also, just because he doesn't pay doesn't mean he can be denied visitation. Don't lend/give him any more money that just enables him to be an irresponsible adult. He has kids and he must pay child support. Don't feel "sorry" for him. He is "using" you so he doesn't have to 'grow up".

Dear Y.:
Two thoughts:
- You don't have to be divorced to get child support. If you never married, it is still the same.
- You cannot deny him the child based on non-payment.

Regards,
W.

Y. stop and think about yourself. When in this picture of your life do you or anyone else give you a "me" break and what kind of picture do you think you are painting emotionally for those boys. A father who come around but come around empty handed. Maybe court is not the best thing for you but definitely you need to sit down with that dad (if you all have a good communication relationship) and tell him the boys not only need his moral, or physical being but they're becoming of age and require financial support more so that ever. I've been through this although I was married and it took me going to court before my ex paid although he had a good job. When ever he found out I knew where he worked he would quit that job and get another. When I got tired of chasing him I did what I felt was best for my kids and that's what you are going to have to do. Don't worry what no one else thinks of you -- as a mother your first obligation is to your babies and that include doing whatever it takes to care for them to the best of your ability.

Because you can take it or leave it, I will give my honest opinion. Thank goodness you're not married! This is a blessing and chance to start over. Leave it behind. If you want your wonderful boys to be like "Daddy" then stay with the man. I am so thrilled my mom left my father when I was young. My two older sisters were around him more and didn't fare as well. I have also been divorced and re-married almost 10 years ago. I have the life I've always dreamed of and my daughter and son see a loving healthy marriage on a daily basis. What do your sons see? You and your sons will be fine. You are young and life is just waiting. It won't wait long though so just move on!

If he truely is a good Dad then you need to put the financial aside. Your boys need their father. As far as support goes. it doesn't sound like you will ever get any help unless you get the courts involved.

I would start with getting assistance from the government. Tanf is the program and then they will ask the attorney general for child support for the children. You dont have to do much they will do everything for you. Just explain the situation like above they will help you.

Even though you two were never actually married "leagally" persay you can still have the attorney general go after the boys father for child support for free. You can do this online and they will take care of everything for you. I would never suggest that you threaten the boys father with not being able to see them if he dont pay or actually keep them from him. That may come back to bite you in the end.

Y.-

You have to do what is best for you, If that means telling dad no money, no kids...then so be it- It would be hard to do that but he needs to understand that you are struggling to do everything on your own! Hopefully you can sit down with him though and tell him I need help and I need it now, I can't use empty promises cause they don't pay the bills, its not like you are talkng about your own personal wants this is both of your children's needs! Another option you have even though you are married, however seperated you can still go in and fill out child support paperwork! This way they will take the child support straight from his check and they will also require him to for insurance! I am a child of divorce and my mom kept letting my dad off the hook, as an adult I wish she would have held him more responsible for us, we did without and saw my mom struggle with 2 jobs while he was out wasting money and everything else on other girlfriends and whatever else he desired. So I say hold him accountable, don't down talk him to the children but don't make excuses for him either-just be honest! Everything will work out the way it is suppose to!

Well, he seems to have exhibited this same behavior when you two were together, right? So this should be no surprise to you. The best thing is for the boys to know their father and let them form their own opinions as they get older. Children are not dumb and they know from where they get their support. My father did not pay child support NOR did he spend time us. If he spends time with his children that is half of it, and they know who he is. Sounds 'half-way' okay, I know, but the real here is, your children's piece of mind, and if you start forming opinions for them about their father and not letting them see him, they will possibly resent you for it even though you are the bread winner in this situation. Do you think if you push the issue, it will push him away? There is nothing wrong with asking him on a regular basis exatly when is he going to step up and start taking some responsibility. I just would not use the kids as a way to get this done. Also, seek legal advice because the kids are missing out in the meantime. They always come before his problems and ego. best of luck to you as this is a delicate situation. You are in my prayers!

YP, reading your request is typical of many women in your situation. Generally, I am a very understanding person but you need really need to take a "wake up pill". Throughout your note you are making excuses for this man. You both made those children so why should you be concerned about him having to pay court ordered child-support. What I'm reading_that you are not saying is that 1)you don't want to hurt him by "making" do what he should 2)you don't really need his money-should he just decide not to give it to you, although now he's working 3)you say the relationship between this man and his children are more important than the money(uh-HELLLOOOO!!). 4)YOU give him money?! money that you should taking care of the children and yourself. WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU THINKING! So you continue to impose on others to help you but not impose on the person who SHOULD be responsible. I think that you are still in love with this man, although you may be in denial, and you are going to try to prevent anything from upsetting him probably in hopes that someday you two "may" get back together. If this were not the case then you would have no problem what so ever to insure that your children never go without any necessities. This lesser being of a man is obviously lazy and irresponsible and you need to wake up and "smell the lemons" and make him do what he should - at any cost. Remember it's not about you anymore you have two lovely children who deserves the best of everything - GIRL GET A GRIP! and head for your nearest Child Support Division - "IT IS AN OPTION!". Men like this become who they are because of women like you.

ok married or not if it comes to it take him to court for child support. if he denies being the boys dad they can order dna test. it wont matter if your married or not. get in touch with a attu. general in your area and find out what to do from there . in the end it will work out there. good luck...

Y.:

Sorry to hear your having such a hard time. It's hard enough being a single mom, but one with a good heart is even harder. Trying to be sincere and understanding of your ex-husbands problems is nice, but when it gets in the way of your wellbeing and the kiddos, then that becomes a problem. My sister was kinda in the same situation as you, so she finally called into to the county to get information on the child support dept. They will inform you of what paperwork needs to be filled out and a fee of I believe no more than $250 will be requested. Then you both will recieve letters in the mail for your attendance at a hearing. No lawyers needed for this. This is the easiest and cheapest way to get it done. The county will handle the hearing and go through Q&A's to figure out what he will need to pay for child support and health insurance for you.

I hope this helps, and hope your situation becomes better. God Bless.