Keeping up with the Joneses

I would bring him and the 7 yr. old daughter to a soup kitchen to volunteer for the day to prepare and serve the less fortunate in society. I did it on Thanksgiving before I had a toddler. Help is needed every day of the year in addition to holidays. It is an enriching experience for both young and old.

Have him volunteer at a school for handicapped children. They always need monitors to get them on the bus since they are all in wheel chairs. They play many sports with modified/specialized equipment.

Any community volunteer work would be eye opening and offer a different viewpoint from the all too materialistic world we experience as teens. The best scenario would be to challenge his friends to do their part to help the community at a later date to participate together in a community project.

Tell them to feel free to work and earn money to pay for anything they would like to do. Money doesn't grow on trees. You are doing a great job. Kids that have everything given to them and expect more are headed for trouble down the road. People need to learn that happiness doesn't come from buy things. Good luck. Be confident that you are doing what is right.

Have you thought about going as a family to do some volunteer work in the city, say at a homeless shelter? I personally know several teens in my life have really changed their perspective after going on mission trips to third world countries and seeing how even the poorest people in America are rich compared to 90% of the rest of the world.

1) Take him to a homeless shelter for a day of volunteering.
2) Enourage him to find friends who don't make him feel excluded because of what he doesn't have/isn't able to do.

I grew up with rich friends and poor friends and was very middle-class. I had to find a balance as a teenager, which was hard but trust me, there are plenty of cool friends he can make that won't judge or make him feel bad for his means. And yes, in retrospect, he will get it eventually.

K. ~

As someone who grew up in an affluent town and always felt as if my friends had more and did more, I know where your son is coming from. It is hard to be a kid and see other kids doing and getting...you think you are entitled to it also at that age. But, as an adult and a mother of two, I can tell you that I am a much better person for having grown up in a family with a lot of love and a lot of family time. In the end, that is all that really matters. My friends that had "everything" didn't always turn out as happy.
I try to live by a great quote that a friend of mine gave me. "Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about." He'll grow up and he'll be fine, just keep doing what your doing!

I dont have any real advice, however, could it be nagging from his friends - that he doesnt have what they have and cant do all that they can? Peer pressure will do that and then he unfortunately brings it home to you. And while he may look ungrateful to you - he really is jealous of others??? He may not be spoiled but could be confused as to why you dont have the money that others do when you "live" in the same area as others who do come from money. At 13, he might verbally understand the concept you are explaining to him but I dont think he fully understands (teenagers almost never do). If I am wrong about this, I apologize. Just my opinion.

I don't have any teenagers, but I'm just thinking of what it was like being one-all the self-doubt, peer pressure, desire to fit in, etc. He's acting like a 13 year old. I imagine that his friends, in their McMansions, are finding plenty to complain about, too. I think it's a rare kid who really values what's really important. I think he will "get it" in retrospect someday (hope so!) I have 9 year old twins who are constantly finding things in their lives to complain about, and I have to keep reminding them of all that they have-health, family, home, food, education, friends, etc. I think because, in general, we are so comfortable in our lives in this country, and that we don't have the stress of war, famine, diseases, political unrest, that we find other things to look for to be stressed about. I think it's just human nature.
Some kids are shocked into it by volunteering experiences-homeless shelters, trips to places descimated by Hurricane Katrina with church groups, etc. Then they really see how fortunate they are. Until he grows out of it, or is shocked out of it by one of those events, he'll likely keep on complaining.
By way of curtailing his complaints, you might want to make a "thankful jar". For every complaint he voices, make him write down one thing he's grateful for, and put it in the jar. It can be small/simple (a new CD), or big (having a loving family). After a week, or several, have him open up the jar and read them all aloud. Other family members can also participate to prevent the complaining from spreading. I think that may keep his complaints to a minimum. He'll likely still think them, and say them to his friends, but at least you won't have to put up with them. Good luck!

Dear K.,

I was just talking to my mom about this. I went to a private school that my mom as a single mom worked really hard to pay for. When I was young she told me the story about the son of a father who earned his living making sausages. They were poor but through great effort saved enough to send his son to a good university. The day his son came back home asking for a new car like his friends and fancy clothes and told him that he was ashamed to be seen with him, the father took him out of the university and put him to work making sausages with him.
My mom pointed out that what we had was because of her hard work and that if we were ever ungrateful, she'd put us to work with her. This helped us put things into perspective... It also helped to see other people less fortunate than us by traveling, staying with cousins and volunteering with the girl scouts and boy scouts.
Point out the big effort you are doing so your son can have the education he is receiving and the friends he has that may help him do better later on in life. I would also tell him that if he doesn't appreciate it then, it's not worth for you to make the effort and you'll have to move to a less expensive area.

I hope this anecdote helps,
A.

You could try getting involved with charity work - volunteering at a shelter or home, working at a soup kitchen, mentoring a disadvantaged youth. That might give him a better perspective not just on his own life but on life in general. It can be powerful and he will probably feel very good about the work he does and how it is way more important than ski vacations and fancy cars - even if he doesn't admit it to you. Worth a try?

K.-

It is a tough lesson to instill in a teenager. I grew up in an affluent town and was by no means rich, my parents never owned a house until I was in college, and they bought 2 towns away from where I grew up. I didn't really appreciate anything until after college. As much as my parents tried to tell me how lucky I was even without all the trips, all of the "in", expensive clothes and the big mcmansion. But being a teenager all you see is what you DON'T have. I hate to say it but he is just going to have to suffer. Or you can try to get him involved somehow in charity work for people who ARE ACTUALLY less fortunate, the homeless, etc. Some kids this hitsb home some still don't see what it has to with THEM. Just stick to your guins, don't give in and re-mortage the house in order to pay for a "luxury cruise". have hime get a job and work for all the nice things that he wants. i worked from when i was 13 all through college until i got a "real" job. If he wants a nice car, have him pay for one with his own hard earned money. Good luck!

I deal with this on a regular basis as well, but i do not work and my husband thank god at the moment has been getting overtime.
We hear about it a little bit from our 17year old, he has grown out of asking for things because he realizes now our money situation, but its our 13 year old daughter that does not understand.
So i am thinking its the 13yr thing. She does not understand that clothes purchased has to be on sale or with a coupon, of course that includes food also
We are barely keeping it together at times, still enjoy family camping and trips up to yankee candle for the day and the butterfly museum. As far as going someplace as a family on a plane/its just not going to happen.
I do have to say that both of my teens have been to a few places with scouts and school. And there employment and savings have paid for those trips.
Someday he will understand, but its a tough road before it happens
good luck to you

LMAO WELCOME to CT! man i know just how you feel!!! it wont always be that way!

K. you sound like a really neat mom. Someone who knows what's really important in life. I'm sure no one can say definitely if your son will 'get it' in retrospect but my hunch is if you raised him with your values he will.

I also think a dose of seeing how others who are less fortunate live may help. Like volunteering at a soup kitchen or even becoming involved in ONE. I don't mean as a punishment, just something that your family becomes involved in. I know my son was shocked to see how some children live in Africa and it made him realize just how much we do have. Even though that's less then what some others have. I also make sure I give him affirmations of how he's feeling when I have to tell him no. Such as, "I know you really want that and I know it's hard not to be able to get it but. . ."

I love your statement of, "He's NOT spoiled so why on earth is he acting like a spoiled brat?". That's wonderful proof that you know he's just acting this way at this time in his life, it's not WHO he is. 13 and the next few years can be rough ones, try to hold fast to who you know he is no matter how he acts and that it really IS hard to see others do and have things that you would like.

All the best,
S.

Poor you! Teenagers expect a lot of stuff these days and their attitude can be downright infuriating! Don't take it personally. How is your attitude towards your neighbors? Are you happy living where you are? My 15 year old daughter has a part-time (obviously) job at the library. She has learned the cost of those trips to Hollister at the mall. She decided against a very expensive camp this summer because I said that she would have to pay half. Personally, I think it is good news that you can't afford to give your child everything. It is so easy to write a check out and solve the problem. Love isn't money. I once read that as much love fits in a small house as a large one. Good-luck and keep your temper!

I can't stand all the money wasting that goes on (i.e. McMansions, luxury trips, expensive cars) when there are so many struggling people. Maybe your son would benefit from seeing the 'other side': volunteer a day at a food pantry, homeless shelter, nursing home, shelter, etc. There are lots of opportunities in all areas.
Good luck!
P.S. It sounds like your family does lots of great things together :)

K.,
After reading all the responses, there's really not much I can add. However, please know I am praying for you to be strengthend. God will equip you with the skills and the right words of encouragement. It is obvious to me that your heart is already in the right place. You have an attitude of gratitude. That will speak volumes of wisdom to your children in years to come. May you be blessed today and always.
~C. B

Your son is at the age where no matter how his life is he will complain about it. He wants to be more independent but also yearns for family closeness. It is a tough time for kids in the early through mid teens finding out who they are and what is important to them.
It may help for him to see people with less than he has. Maybe you could volunteer once in a while at a local food kitchen or habitat building or some other area that deals with those less fortunate.
Continue to support him and be a part of his life, it may not seem to be helping but in the long run he won't forget that you were there for him.

I sympathize...been there. I would recommend you emphasize the importance of being a GOOD person, not a rich person. God blesses some with money, others with personality. LOL! When I had a lot of money I was miserable, now I am poor and happy.

Hi K.,
I have a 13 year old and an 18 year old and it is never enough. Just hand tight and he will grow up. Right now, he just wants to be like everyone else even though as time goes on he will really appreciate the fact that you cared... If nothing else, ask him to pick one big thing and you can save up as a family for it, then he has part ownership in it as well.

Good luck, your not alone...

This is so frustrating. We went through this with our son because we refused to buy Nintendo and Game Boys - we went to museums (free passes from the library, or we got a membership that allowed unlimited visits), sledding, all the stuff you mention. Your son won't want to hear it now, but I can tell you from the kids in our town that those who had everything handed to them do NOT do well in college and in jobs because they have such ridiculous expectations. They have no work ethic because everything was handed to them instead of earned. Their parents are know in colleges, and in some workplaces even, as "helicopter parents" - calling the dean to say their kid deserves an A in chemistry even though he's too busy to study, or calling the boss to say that Johnny needs a day off or a raise, or doesn't appreciate the way he was reprimanded for not finishing a project. There have been articles in the media about this. We told our son we couldn't afford some of these things, could afford others but didn't believe in them. Then we did a lot of community service projects so that he could see there were others worse off than he - we didn't lecture him, just did food collections for the food pantry, or made a meal to take to the shelter or the homeless veterans, or served as a soup kitchen. You can do this on your own, or do a drive through one of the teams. For example, since he's into sports, do a collection of gently used sporting equipment, outgrown soccer shoes, etc., and find a local organization that will accept them - but have your child and some teammates help deliver them and get the organization's head to explain how useful they are and how little the recipients have. Do a coat drive or hat/mitten drive in the winter. You can find an organization first and get a wish list, then organize something through the sports league or the school or a church. My son collected sporting equipment and got donations from local stores - this was his community service project for his bar mitzvah. He got a letter from the synagogue saying this was a real charity project, and the stores accepted it, giving him gift cards which he spent on equipment at their stores. He found 2 local groups and got a wish list. He had a box at the synagogue to collect used items, and he got some cash donations too. We used the donations as "flowers" in the sanctuary for his bar mitzvah - making "arrangements" of bats and balls in a cardboard tray, wrapped in cellophane and tied with a bow. All we bought were the cellophane and ribbon! We also used them as centerpieces during the reception - place cards directed guests to their seats at the "hockey" table or the "soccer" table, etc. We had to fight the "Keeping Up With the Steins" mentality of who had the biggest band (we had a DJ) and who had the best linen tablecloths (we used paper) or who had the best party favors (we did cheap stuff from Oriental Trading and the kids loved it.) This builds leadership and a social conscience, and teaches values. Don't give in - you are doing the right thing!! And 13 is a usual bratty age - they are testing us, working on independence, feeling peer pressure, etc. Try to hang in there.

Does he have a paper route or any way to make money on his own? I know that 13 is still young for a "real" job, but maybe he needs to understand money a little more to understand why your family doesn't have what other families do. I go through the same thing with my daughter and she's only 8 y.o. I just try to explain to her what we have is good for us and who cares about them. She's younger, so she takes what I say without question, most of the time! But 13 is a very tough age. Good Luck!

My son is 15 and we have gone through something similar here. He seems very grateful for what we have but his friends have much more. My Boyfriend got a new truck and gave my son his old truck (which he was initially happy about). It is in good running condition but needs a little work. My boyfriend offered to help him pay for some of the things as did I. But we both feel it is important for him to pay for some of it also. I think he will appreciate it more and it will give him a sense of accomplishment. Just last weekend his 14 year old friends (who don't have a vehicle themselves) were saying things to him like, "you'll be driving that thing around and we'll have nice vehicles." This upset my son to the point he came to me telling me he didn't want the truck. Eventually he told me why. I talked to him about it a bit and now he is back to being happy about having the truck. I guess my point is that I'm sure it is peer pressure making your son say these things. Just continue with what you keep telling him and I'm sure in time he will understand what you have been telling him. : )

Hi K.,
I hear you. Kids today are brutal when it comes to what I have and you don't, and the let you know. I had a friend who's son went to a snobby private school, they lived in Lawrence and she wrote for a local paper. Her son was always embaressed of her older camry and where they lived. His tune changed when he went on his 8TH grade trip when his "friends" made fun of him because he could iron his own clothes and he cut hid own grass! He realized that his "friends" were snobby, and he realized working for what you wanted and being self sufficient was not a bad thing. I had told him that years ago that the grass is'nt always greener on the other side. But it took years for him to see. I think you are doing your best and he ha to figure this out for himself. Because one day his friends will show his true colors. I hope this helped a little.
Becci

Oh K.....may I say, welcome to the life of parenting a teenage child!!! :) Your son's behavior is so typical of a normal teenager!! All they do is complain and the "grass is always greener" everywhere but home. My youngest is 14 and thinks it's horrible that I make him eat organic food and want to know where he is at all times! This phase will pass with your son and he will appreciate what a great life he had growing up when he gets older. For now just let him vent and ignore it. You know you are giving him a great life and that's all that counts!

Hi K.

Wow you have your hands full! As I was reading your story, I was thinking to myself "He will get it later in life how full his life really was" I think its ahard because at 13 they are all about their friends and what is going on around them. Though, I have no advice really, I just wanted to respond. I am so scared of this age I have 2 girls 4 and almost 2. I know what a brat I was at 13! ugh! Good Luck K.!!!

K. M

I would get him invovled in some sort of charity work. Maybe volunteer at a local hospital,nursing home or shelter on the weekends. Then talk about what sort of work he did and the people that he saw there. That might help put things in perspective for him.

I know it is tough when they seem ungrateful for what they have been given and/or have. I totally understand what you mean when it makes you not want to do anything with or for them. My 7 year old daughter has been having a tough time lately, too. She had my 3 year old son are the only grandchildren on both sides so they are spoiled by grandparents, aunts and uncles. But when they come home from a weekend with Grammy they are not going to get everything they ask for from me. That leads to tantrums. I have started talking about children that don't have things that they do and bringing them with me when I donate old clothes and toys. They are still young but it is the little things that help them understand better how much they do have.

You've had some good responses and some of the suggestions may work... I also think sitting down with him someday and showing him how much the things he wants cost...and then asking what he would propose to come up with the money for them...might help get him to think about it. I mean, you could say to him, "Yes, we =could= go skiing. Here's what it would cost? Who should take a second job so we can afford that? Your father, or I? Or do you want to get one?" Not in a mean way, just really asking if he can see a way for your family to live a good life while spending all that money.

To play devil's advocate, however, I guess here are a couple of questions to think about:

Did you grow up surrounded by people who had more? If so, and your parents still managed to instill in you a sense of what was most important, how did they do it? Could that work for you and your son?

What else is he supposed to want or expect but what he sees around him? When you have surrounded him with wealth and privilege, of course that's what he wants! Isn't it precisely the fact that he's not spoiled but is surrounded by spoiled people that's exacerbating the problem? Is it strictly necessary to surround your son with things he can't have? (i.e. Do you really have to live in that town?)

Can you link into a group of families (via church/Families for Conscious Living/whatever) who have similar values to yours? Perhaps families who don't watch as much TV, who put a premium on education, etc...? So that you can try to give him a peer group other than the one in the neighborhood?

I know these questions might seem kind of harsh. They're not meant that way, but I can sort of imagine it from your son's perspective. It can't be easy having a kid who wants more and I wish you the best. We're embarking on parenting and we're pretty anti-consumerist and believe in families building relationships by spending time together, not spending money together, so I sympathise. Good luck!

Hey K.,

I know exactly what you are talking about!!! We are in the same position. I have 4 boys and 2 are in school. When we moved a few months ago I thought I had moved to Beverly Hills or something , the way people act here sometimes. My boys come home asking for everythnig now! From the biggest thing like going on trips to the fact that there friends have 15 webkins and they have 4! I get so mad sometimes about it! When we drive them to school (which they can take the bus, but its not cool, so now they are parent pick-up's as they call it. which Im not sure we should have started!) the cars are all Escalades, Hummers, etc. I have a used minivan, so the kids ask why? Im not to sure what to do either, or how to aproach it with out sounding jelouse or mad. I started trying to be like them, getting my hair done and all that. I stopped, and just told my boys that we are a family that the dad works and the mom stays home to take care of them, and would they rather mommy be gone all the time working too? They finally got it (I think? lol) They havent said much latley. They like having me around to do stuff with them all the time and if thats what they like then we are going to be middle class for quite sometime. Atleast until my 2 other boys grow up, go to school and I can get a job. ( If I want one!) lol Not sure if any of this helped, but I just could relate to your story. I hope it works itself out for you.

I am a mother of four. Two children are 31 and 29 and have their own families. The two children I have at home are 16 and 15 years old. My husband and I and the two children that are home are very committed to church and do a lot of volunteering. My son and daughter volunteer in the community and in church. I believe that the more you expose your children to volunteering and community commitments, the more they understand what is really important. My children also have friends that come from wealthy families but understand that we can't afford some of the things their friends have period.
Maybe helping out in a soup kitchen or habitat for humanity would open his eyes a little.
Yes we have visited Disney World - once - and my daughter did go to Europe last year with People to People and my son will be going next year. But children have to understand these are things you have to pick and choose, you can't have it all. We are also a tight family with similar interests, camping, hiking, biking.
Works for us, good luck.
N.

Hi K.,

I grew up in a situation that sounds similar to yours. We lived in a very affluent suburban town where both of my parents were teachers. We were a happy family with a fine little ranch house, we spent good quality times together and got to go to for a week or two Maine in the summers, but there were many other kids in the town who lived the life you describe with ski trips, cruises, fancy cars, etc. Around the time I started middle school (similar age to your son now), I remember becoming aware that our family didn't do/have these things, and it sometimes felt frustrating and disappointing.

One thing that I think made it a little easier was that some of my friends were also among the "less privileged" in the town. I know at age 13, it's hard for kids to make new friends as cliques have probably already formed, but perhaps your son can pay particular attention to nurturing friendships with other kids whose circumstances are more similar to yours?

I also have to say that in retrospect, I never look back on my childhood as unhappy or underprivileged. However, when you're a young teen and it's all about appearances, it can be hard to keep your head on straight. I'd say that if yous son continues to be frustrated in the short term, not to worry too much because when he's older, chances are he'll look back on his childhood and remember the happy times you shared as a family, not the type of car you drove of the size of your house.

Best of luck!

sounds wonderful to be in your family.

I would tell your son all that you have told us in this mail, particularly how you feel about this. it would give him a chance to understand. even if he may take time. you love him. and you can be patient. he'll get it. cause you've got it.

good luck!
D.

Did you ever think about getting him involved in volunteering at the local food pantry. It may be eye opening for him. He will realize what he has and what others in the town do not. And you never know some of those friends of his living in the "McMansions" may not be at all what it seems.

K. - I suggest trying to find a mission trip to a poor country to send your son on. There must be churches or non-religious groups doing that sort of thing all the time. The poorer the country, the better. People who do that are changed forever, and often have a permanently enlightened perspective about wealth and poverty.
If you're not religious, I'd recommend a more "liberal" church, because they tend not to evangelize people much. Write to me if you want more suggestions, I'm sure I could help you find something good.
Good luck!
T.

Hi K.- 13 is a really hard age. I agree with a couple others that it more than likely is longing for what his friends have. He is not old enough to really understand the value of having his dad coach is sports teams and have his parents around. I would bet in a few yrs he will understand this value.

In the meantime, I would also suggest letting him have a small job during the summer. This will help him appreciate his parents hard work as well as respect himself. My husband bailed hay in the summer, a paper route is also a good idea. Good luck. This too shall pass.

Hi,
I grew up in the same situation and always felt that I was tagging along with my "wealthy" friends on their family trips. My parents never apoligized for what we didn't have but always made sure there was lots of family time. Looking back now, I realize that it was important that my parents made the most of what we could afford and that the most important part is that we did things together. He might not realize it now or even for a few years but at some point, he will value the family time he had and apperciate it. I think you are handling it the right way but showing him what you do have.
Good Luck!

Hi K.,
Its time to get him out in the world. Get involved in community service through your church, temple, school or local service organization. He doesn't have a sense of perspective because he is a child and he doesn't have life experience that shows him what is really happening in the world.

He could raise money for an AIDs orphanage in Africa, he could tutor or play with younger children in a shelter, he could serve food in a homeless shelter. There are very good organizations that allow a child to see what they can do to make a difference in the world. Heifer International is a program that gives sustainable livestock to families to allow them to raise their standard of living, they then pass the offspring to other families in their area. Heifer International has a farm in Mass that has programs for kids to learn about hunger issues and solutions in the world. They also have animals which the kids love. There are poor schools all over the world that can use books and magazines, he could do a book drive. The American Anti-Slavery Society deals with modern day slavery in the world. Child labor and the selling of children into servitude is an area that many children find compelling. This organization comes to talk to schools and gets kids involved in solutions. The list is endless.

He will learn this lesson only by being give a sense of perspective, not by lecturing. Make it a family issue. Find out what he cares about, let him learn more about the world and the extreme inequities that exist. All your children can benefit from this exposure, making it age appropriate. Your children can all see how they can make a difference in the world.
Above all don't take his complaints as a commentary on the home and opportunities you are providing him. Don't get angry, give him the opportunity to learn how fortunate he is. You won't have to say a word.
J.

Hi K. - when I read your letter I felt like I was reading my own. I have the same issue with my 13 year old son. We too live in an affluent area and he goes to school with these type of kids. We have 6 children, I stay at home, and although we do ok finalcially, there is not a lot for extras. There seems to be this feeling of a right of entitlement and I ask myself where I went wrong raising him. His two older sisters don't act this way and thank God his younger siblings haven't picked up on this behavior yet. I too don't know how to handle things. But, next week we are on Spring Break and already the moans are beginning because we are not going to Mexico or Belize or Paris like some of his friends. We are staying in this boring town. So, we are going to do a day trip to Mystic, go to the movies, go out to dinner. Since we don't give an allowance to our children, but do give them the money to go to the movies, etc. I have decided that our children (specifically our son) will be doing more things around the house to supplement his habit of spending time with his friends. And if there is an event coming up that he will need money for he can do a "job" that really needs to be done and do it to my satisfaction to earn the money to be able to go. I feel that that way he will see that the money people have doesn't just appear in the bank. It takes a lot of work and sometimes no fun to earn it! Keep doing the strong family things that you are doing. I believe in the long run that will be of the most benefit. Right now our daughters who are in middle school and in high school love bringing their friends here for game and movie night. Still corny for the 13 year old. We are hoping he will come around. I would love for our small but loving home to be the one that kids feel safe in and would love to gather in. The memories your children have in the future are going to be of your special family times not the number of Nike sneakers he had. Thanks for letting me ramble and I am sorry for talking about myself too. Your letter just hit too close to home. I hope things go well for you. I have a 7 hear old son too! Take care. M.

How about one day a month volunteering at a homeless shelter and one day at a soup kitchen. Something where he HAS to look folks in the eye and "get it". Fact of life is many in every town are elitest, and he will see that, it is a harsh fact of life. But what he may not realize is that they are like that because they are unhappy, and stack ranking gives them a sense of worth. Not eveyrone gets a success measure by things, or money, different folks value different things. You can't take any "things" with you when you die. What you are doing in the long run will be good for him. Good for you, and keep up the good work. People value what they learn and earn when it isn't handed to them. Ask him questions about how much family time those families have, many are workaholic to keep up with the things, and they never see the kids, or worse, end up with broken families. Things are not what is important in life. Ask a rich man on his death bed.
D.

My daughter is 9 and I know just how you feel! I live in an affluent town full of Mcmansons. In fact my next door neighbor lives in a McCastle, a $2m home. We live in a small ranch style home, that is well-kept and cozy, but when my daughter's friends visit for the first time, they often comment "Is this IT?" or "Where's the playroom?" or "Where's the upstairs?"

But the most glaring instance was when my daughter had to write an autobiography in school. One of the questions she had to answer was "What was your favorite vacation you took with your family?" All of her classmates go to Disney a few times a year, or they are in Cancun, or the Bahamas etc. etc. Our big trips are usually up to Boston to visit family or to the Bronx Zoo. She looked at me with embarrassment on her face and said "I can't answer this... we don't go anywhere!" So we talked about all the fun day trips we've taken, and that a "vacation" doesn't have to be far away, it just means we took a day off and did something fun and memorable.

I sure do dread the days when all her friends get shiny new SUVs for their birthdays. But I also hear her friends complain that their dads are never home (always on business travel) or they don't get to be home on vacations as they are sent to camps because their parents both work. All that time you invest in family time is priceless! I think you are doing just fine. A lot of what he is feeling is teenage angst. I'll bet those priveledged kids aren't happy with what they have either. I like the idea of getting kids involved in a charity not only to show them how much they do have, but also because the feeling of doing something for someone else is also priceless.

I was about 14 when I went with my mother to boston childrens hospital (my sister had an appointment with a doctor there about bowel issues--no big deal)
I can remember being upset that I didn't have my own room, I had to babysit my siblings every now & then, I couldn't just go shopping, my friends had this and that--you know the deal.
I waited in the waiting room, while my sister was in with the doctor, and I will never forget, seeing all the children--some lived there for the time. But, seeing all the disablities, and all the sickness, and hearing one parent talking to her mother about how to spend her childs last months, because her daughter had decided (at 11 yrs old) that she didn't want any more medicine, no more tests, no more chemo. She wanted to feel good for her last months.
I will never forget this experience--I felt ashamed for all the rotten thoughts I had had about my parents, felt guilty for being so mean to my siblings (when I was in fact mad at my parents for making me babysit), for being just a rotten teenager, and not appreciating my family.
I am so grateful for that experience, so grateful, that before my 10 ten yr old became what I became, at 9 yrs old, we went to the childrens hospital, and we just walked the cancer (floor) and just talked with the kids. He talked about it all the way home.
My daughter was born in october 2006, and he is the best big brother, and the best helper. He plays with her, carries her, askes to feed her, invites her to play with him and his friends. And you know what he said to me this morning?
"We have the best family--I am so lucky" It makes it all worth while-------------Bring your son and a few of his friends, and go visit the kids. Maybe let them know ahead of time, and they can go through their books, and donate them to the hospital. It may give them an understanding of how lucky they all are. If and when my son becomes an obnoxious teenage, we will be making the trip back. The kids love having compnay, and having a fellow kid to talk to .

I would take your son to a shelter or a food bank on distribution day and show him that many other families don't have any or little of what he has. My mom did this with my younger brothers and it was an eye opener for them. They immediately stopped asking for more of anything.
Good luck, I'm sure it is just a stage and he will grow out of wanting what his friends have and realize how lucky he is to have a great mom and family!!!

K.,
You are doing the right thing, your son may not realize it now, but he will. The quality time you spend with your kids will far outweigh material possessions and your son may be resentful now , but as he ages he will see how lucky he is. Don't give in to him, but maybe encourage he do some work (rake leaves, mow a lawn, etc.) for older people in the neighborhood to earn some money to buy things and do things he feels he is being deprived of. I see this as a teaching moment for your son, teach him to earn his own money and manage it appropriately, like you and your husband have to. Teach him the art of saving and spending money. My parents were in the same position your family is in when I was growing up, and my husband and I are too. These are moments when we have to make the most of what we have and using these moments to teach our kids the ups and downs of life will make them better adults. Handing our children everything they want with no strings attached is setting them up for disappointment, because when you are an adult you do not get things handed to you for doing nothing, that is just life. You are being a great mom and your children will thank you some day!!! Good Job!

Hi K.,
I wonder if trying to let your 13 year do more of the talking...one on one(mom-son date) with you might help. The things he is feeling/seeing about the people around him are legit. You don't do/have all that they do/have. Maybe validating his feelings is all that is required. We all have to work out at one point or another where we fit in the grand picture of life...and what really matters most. Sounds like he's on that path to working it out. Walk beside him and be patient. One small moment at a time...each will pass. Hang in there.

Don't worry, he'll get it some day. This sounds very much like how I grew up. Peer pressure was huge for me at that age. I'll admit, I was jealous of the friends that had vacations to exotic places. Who wouldn't be? But I was taught the value of money and always worked hard to earn the things I wanted but my parents wouldn't buy. Makes you realize what's important if you have to earn it. Does he do chores around the house for an allowance? Any way he can make money around the neighborhood mowing lawns or doing odd jobs this summer?

Next winter, maybe he can go skiing for a day with one of his friends....but he should pay for that luxury if you don't want to go as a family. Don't worry, it's awesome that you are spending quality time as a family. Puberty sucks but you'll both get through it and he will eventually realize how unimportant most of his peers are in the grand scheme of his life. Some of the most unhappy people I know have money....

Ah yes, the ever-present struggle! One of the guidance counselors at our middle school says middle school is all about fitting in and high school is all about expressing one's self as unique. Sounds like the "fitting in" stage right now for your son! My mom used to say, "Just because everyone else is doing it or has it, doesn't mean you need it." In other words...be strong and be yourself...maybe even be unique!

I just read all of the responses and I especially loved Diane B's response with her son collecting all of the sports things as a charity project for his bar mitzvah--a very creative solution that builds character and keeps expenses in check!

As with many of the comments, volunteer work can go a LONG way to opening one's eyes. Our middle school requires it of every student, calling it Community Service Learning--5 hours for 5th grade, 10 hours for 6th, 15 hours for 7th, and 20 hours for 8th. I think it's a brilliant move! If your school doesn't have this policy already, maybe you could encourage them to adopt it to open the eyes of ALL of the kids at the school.

One advantage to living in a town of ~6-7000 in southern NH is that we have residents and friends from all different economic levels. Having friends from both ends of the spectrum helps our son to keep perspective.

We also try to temper our son's requests by our own choices, similar to you. Teaching him to live within his/our means is an incredibly important lesson in life! And lots of family time is a gift that will stay with him his whole life! So far, he still yearns for family time instead of the things others have but that has taken some work. Our son is only 11 so we're not "there" in full force yet. But we started to get tired of his requests and the fact that he didn't really understand the breadth of his requests.

So, this past year, we developed an allowance plan with him that has helped immensely. In the past, we have been the gatekeepers to buying things for him, keeping it to a minimum. Now, we give him $5 per week with the expectation that he still needs to get some family approval with how he spends it, but he has more control. He is then expected to cover his own costs for his "I wants".

I can't believe how much it has taught him about the value of his expenditures! He actually saves his money very well and spends it wisely, doing comparison shopping to get the best deal, etc. He spends much less of it than I would have thought! And he now is much more respectful of us saying yes or no to bigger things like skiing, etc. because he "gets" how long it takes to save up for X, Y, or Z. It's been fascinating to watch! (I realize that much for an allowance is not always within people's budgets, but it has been a real eye-opener for him and for us, and has probably SAVED us money in the long-run.)

My brother's family's first son, now 25, was a big "keep up with the Joneses" label kid at one point. He wanted all of the "cool" shoes and clothes that others had. They finally set up a budget/allowance for him and he was responsible for buying all of his own clothes. I thought they were nuts but it worked! He learned to bargain hunt and to do with less. (His younger brother couldn't have cared less about clothes and being "cool", so a budget wasn't necessary for him.)

One other thought...we try to do unique vacations that are building wonderful memories for our son through the years.

I was the youngest of six kids with a stay-at-home mom and pastor dad. Money was tight but I have very fond memories of a long driving trip we took from MN to TX to CA and back...in a Vista Cruiser (station wagon)...with six kids, two adults, no electronic games or TVs...lots of packed lunches and a trailer to hold our suitcases...moteling it and staying with friends along the way. Many people can't imagine a trip like that, especially these days, but it was wonderful! I learned to tie my shoes and the days of the week on that trip!

To recreate some of those memories, we have done several long trips with our son. One year when he was 8, we took a cross-country Amtrak trip (sometimes Coach, sometimes a room), breaking up the long trip to see friends, family and sights. We went from Springfield, MA to Chicago (visited friends) to Denver to San Francisco (hostel/hotel for a couple nights to tour SF) to Portland to WA (visited family) to Glacier National Park (Izaak Walton Inn for a couple days of Glacier and hiking) to Chicago (visit friends again) to Springfield. It is a trip that is indelibly imprinted in our family trip lore with great fondness!

Another summer we drove from NH to WY and back, covering parts of the Lewis and Clark Trail and again seeing friends and family to break it up and keep costs down. From NH to OH (family & Cedar Point) to IA (family) to the Dakotas/Black Hills/Mt Rushmore/Custer State Park/etc. (camping) to WY (to old haunts of hubbie's) to MN (SPAM Museum..campy, fun and fascinating) to IA & MI (family) and back.

We picked up the Harry Potter book, released during that trip out West, and read to each other the rest of the trip! It filled the gaps between family, scenery, singing, and sleeping. And it gave our son a chance to practice reading out loud, building his confidence and expanding his vocabulary.

Other trips include mini family reunions (my siblings and their kids). We pick a spot in the US we want to see and someone researches the options where we can cook as a group, saving a ton of money that way and keeping the costs down by renting as a group.

1) Oregon House in Yachats, OR where we filled the main retreat center, having it to ourselves (http://www.oregonhouse.com/).
2) _________ in Bass Harbor, ME where we rented all three of their houses.
3) Hungry Jack Lodge in Grand Marais, MN where we filled the main lodge and one other cabin (http://www.hungryjacklodge.com/index.html)

Anyway, I'm going on WAY too long! But I think you're right on track for doing what you do with family time, sledding, bike rides and skipping the cruises. Don't worry about the cars thing either. They can learn how to own a car on their own when they're adults--bikes provide wonderful exercise to and from places! (My first car was when I was 29--of course, I grew up in areas with public transportation, too!)

Best of luck and hold your values to your heart! Your kids might grumble at times but they will understand, love and respect them in the end.

Oh wow, that can be tough...you want your kids to have all those things..and you think youre doing such a good job providing until someone "outdoes" you. Most of lifes' unhappiness comes from comparing yourself to the people around you. Its a waste of time and energy. There will always be bigger and better so matter how much you have. I always say as long as you give your child unconditional love and nurturing, youre giving your child the best gifts of all. I was the child of a privileged upbringing, I got everything I wanted, and it didnt make me any better of a person, or any happier. In fact, in retrospect, I wish I hadnt gotten everything I wanted, because growing up that way didnt adequately prepare me for the real world. Your #1 job as a mother is to help produce a happy, healthy, well balanced person who is a positive contribution to our society.

Its so interesting the way the whole "keeping up with the Jonses'" ideal even reaches the kids. I am sure your son is just experiencing a form of "peer pressure" with his friends, and thats all it is. I am curious if your sons friends or friends parents ever invite him to any of these outings? I know in these affluent towns it can get a bit "cliquey," is this the case in this situation? I would also love to know where about you live, LOL. I am guessing your town begins with the letter W, N, or D? LOL. When you said "McMansions" it made me laugh because I just read this article about one town that begins with a "W" where they are legally trying to make people with small houses make them bigger to match the McMansions, or they have to relocate. LOL!!!!

I do not like to generalize, and I am not implying this is the situation with all affluent families, but in many wealthy families, its the nanny or housekeeper raising the kids, because both parents have busy careers. I dont think there is one person out here that can tell me that is an ideal situation for any child.

I think youre doing a great job and you have nothing to worry about! What you need to be concerned with is how your son turns out in the long run, and do not play into the guilt of not being able to give him every single he wants. Best of luck to you and your family.

M.

Hi K.,

I had a similar experience with my children. I was a single mother when my two youngest were growing up. We were renting a small apartment in an affluent community. We were by no means the poorest folk in town, however, many of my children's friends had much more in the way of material possessions; which my children did envy. Ironically, their wealthier friends were very humble and did not seem to even notice our home was so much smaller and we did not have all the latest "gadgets". They were just like any teenage kids; just wanting to hang out etc.

It is difficult for young people to understand why some have so much while others have so little. They have not had enough experience in life to understand that life is not always fair. They also do not understand yet that the most valuable things in life are free. They will however, remember all the time, love and committment you and your husband had for them. My advise: empathize with your son that it can seem unfair when others seem to have so much more than they and you wish you could do more as far as material things go but, that you are living within a budget as a family. Help him to prioritize what he really wants to have for luxuries and possibly direct him towards a way to work toward that goal. This will help him in recognizing what is really important to him.

I would also suggest that you find opportunities, perhaps through your church, if you attend, to volunteer to help those who are worse off then you; this will help him to gain perspective. At the very least, your son is getting a good lesson in capitalism. In this country all people have the opportunity to achieve whatever they can dream. Large amounts of wealth usually accumulate over many generations with each generation leaving the next hopefully better off financially then the previous.

Best Wishes,
J. L.