My second son, age 2 (34 months), is especially mom-centric. He is really clingy, above and beyond what my first son was. He will crawl into bed with us in the middle of the night (not really a problem) and cry if I'm not there or if I have to leave (that's the problem). "Mommy, don't go potty!" or "Mommy, don't take a shower!" Husband tries, but DS won't consider him a substitute. He just continues to cry like his heart is broken.
For a couple of months last summer (when he had just turned 2) I had to catch a 6 a.m. train to get to work. He shrieked every time I had to get out of bed to get ready, and it continued as I left to catch the train.
At that time I thought it was because I started to wean him -- he had been BFing every couple of hours all night long until he was 2. Then I started putting bandaids on every night and telling him that the "boobies were broken at night." Now he's down to about 2x/week and is happy to "eat" -- rather than being heartbroken because I said no. He doesn't ask very often anymore and seems fine with that.
But lately he's getting much more emotional, and I don't know whether this is a developmental stage or if I should be taking him to a doctor. If something is a little off he shrieks about it. He seems to be experiencing night terrors, and he doesn't want daddy to help. He'll tell daddy to "take me to mommy!" as he's crying (sometimes shrieking). And even if I'm holding him, he'll continue to cry as he wants a specific toy or something.
For some reason he calls me by the name of whatever character is the maternal force in the life of the character persona he's taken on. For example, I'm "Mrs. Jumbo" when he's the "little baby elephant [Dumbo]" or I'm "Professor Weisman" when he's "Curious George" or even "Mother Dinosaur" when he's a baby dinosaur. The other night when he was up crying, he said to me "Mrs. Jumbo, let's always be elephants forever." I kinda miss being "mommy" but I play along.
He's also adamant that he's a little baby, NOT a little boy. He's asked for a bottle a lot recently (which we haven't even had in the house for a year). He's quite smart and a real charmer most of the time. He talks well. He just seems especially mom-clingy (dad won't do) and emotional -- way beyond what his older brother went through. Is there anything I should be worrying about? Or does this fall under the "this too shall pass" area of most stages of growing up?
Hi everyone, thanks for the responses.
I had to take my other son to the pediatrician yesterday (he's fine) but while I was there I talked to the doc about DS2. He recommended some stuff for the next two months (until DS2's 3-year annual apt) and then if it's still an issue then we'll get a specialist (he said the kind of specialist but I don't remember). Here's what he said:
3-year olds, especially smart, imaginative 3-year olds, are quick to take something they've seen and make it a template for how they live. So it's important that I make sure what he's watching isn't too scary.
3-year olds are also great at getting what they want. For now I need to treat the emotional outbursts as if they were tantrums, and don't give in. If he screams because I'm getting out of bed to take a shower, then I need to assure him I'll be back soon and BE BACK SOON. Don't stay in bed longer because he's upset.
As for the night terrors, it's perfectly okay to hold him throughout -- he's not really awake anyway and needs the comforting. But if he's had a bad dream and is now awake and screaming for me, DH needs to calm him and get him to ask nicely for mommy before I can come (this sounds really hard).
If he's still emotional in 2 months then we'll take it up again. Thanks to everyone for the recommendations; I may PM some of you requesting specifics.
BTW, I do get in mommy-and-me time with just him, and that's not going to go away.
My brother went through a stage (at around age 2) where he wouldn't let anyone but MOM do anything for him. I remember being very frustrated that I couldn't even get him a glass of milk from the Fridge- it had to be mom. He outgrew it. Now he's 25 and with his own family and definitely not a momma's boy (they have a healthy relationship). It may just be something you have to wait out.
It is very normal, very common. We all say "all kids are different", but it doesn't really hit home until number two comes along and MAN OH MAN, what a difference from number one! I have four, and number two was a HUGE mama's boy. He wanted to be with me all the time. Displayed much of the behavior you describe although perhaps not quite as extreme, but I was a stay-at-home mom. We talked to the pediatrician about it and he said it is a common occurrence between age 2.5 and 3.5, and that he would grow out of it. And he did. He is now 21 years old, and we are still very close. Although it can seem extreme at this stage, the extreme part won't last forever and the closeness will serve you well in the future. Spend as much time as you can with him when you aren't working, and do not discount his feelings for you. Enjoy your little mama's boy. He is a real treasure. You are blessed. Trust me on that.
I think it's worth a call to your pediatrician. Since he's with Dad all day it's seems strange that he's not ok with Dad if you're home. Sounds like some serious separation anxiety but maybe some other things factoring in as well. Hopefully you have a pediatrician that you really like/trust & can get some good advice from (even if it's just 'this too shall pass'). Good luck! :-)
My youngest assigned me names out of whatever story she was thinking about in her make-believe world. I was Sulley when she was Boo. When she was 3, she insisted to a teacher at church that her name was Karen, which only made sense after the teacher asked her mom's name and she said, "Frosty."
My first and second children were different as night and day, despite being close in age and the same gender. I'd say don't worry too much. Your son is probably very bright, so he's figured out long before most kids would that the world can be very unsafe, and he's reacting to that. The clinginess will eventually pass, but he'll probably always be a worrier of some sort. That's OK - it might keep him from taking ridiculous risks when he's older (you may never have to worry about reckless driving ;P.)
Hi S.,
Your little guys anxiety sounds heart wrenching. My son battled...correction, battles with anxiety too. It started about the same age as your son. My son, now nearly nine is much more confident and independent...but still definately more sensitve than most and a "worrier" which is just his temperment. We didn't know what to do at first...waited it out for almost 2 years, when the onset of kindergarten made everything worse. At that point, we got him into counseling for anxiety with a good play therapist. Wow! That made a difference. He still goes occasionally for "tune ups" he has learned coping strategies to calm himself, to be logical in his thinking, and to be reassured of his and mom's safety (one of his main worries). It sounds like you may be headed down this road. If you can head it off at the pass, the sooner the better. What I learned was there was really no reason behind it, that some children just develop this trait in their personality. But you can learn how to make him feel more secure, and learn how to properly acknowledge his feelings, even at his young age. My son is very articulate, as does yours sound...this is helpful. The better he can express his feelings the better you will be able to help him. Good luck and be patient.
I would definitely talk to my pediatrician about this. They know so much about children, health, developmental and even behaviorial issues. However, they're not specialists in bahaviorial issues, so also keep that in mind. Truthfully, if he doesn't give you some advice that makes almost immediate help, I'd consider a good family therapist and give him/her a call. They might be able to help you on the phone, but if not, you just might need 1 or 2 appts. to rule out other issues and help you figure out what to do and the best way to handle this. This must be very hard for you and your husband and I wish you luck!
I hate to say this, because it is not an easy stage of development, but as you noted "this too shall pass." A lot of children at this age start clinging to mommy with an iron fist. My husband has never been good enough for the little one when it's night time. And for a little while I had to leave the bathroom door open a crack and hold the baby's hand while I went to the bathroom. Showers were only before bed when daddy would read books to him. It was hard to get through, but after initially giving in to all his screaming and doing what he wanted, I realized that I wasn't helping him that way. I had to be firm and let him cry until daddy soothed him. I had to tell him that I would come back and then walk away while listening to him scream like I was leaving him to die. I endured the fits and relished the extra cuddles, and eventually he got over it. My youngest just turned 3 and I have been going through this with him too, but it is getting to be less of a problem. Now when I go to the bathroom, he waits outside the door. He knows I will come back when I leave him with a babysitter, and he happily still gives me the extra cuddles. Enjoy what you can, try to live through the rest, and know that you aren't alone.
As for night terrors, etc, a lot of children also have problems with this. My firstborn had similar problems and we have had to be very careful not to allow him to watch any scary shows during the day and nothing at all at night time. We even have to limit daddy's video game time because he had nightmares after dad played some shooting games. Those things will probably pass, but again, it's normal and you can get through it.
S.,
I had some problems with my daughter in this regard as well, although my husband and I both work full-time. She's really smart and has a terrific imagination. So much so that we had to be really careful about what she watched on tv, videos, and what we read to her. In Dumbo, the mother dies. I know Curious George doesn't have a mother (don't know about Mother Dinosaur). I'd follow the others' suggestions and check with your ped too, but is it possible that he's watching/reading things that are causing him to worry about you not being there anymore? We had similar problems with my daughter after watching Finding Nemo (why is it always the moms who die in these movies?). Just a thought...
My guess is that this is a stage that may be exaggerated by stress. My son is now three but was the same way at two - wouldn't even go play on the playground unless I was standing right next to him on the slide, ladder... I showered at night after he went to sleep, and kept him in a bed right next to ours (within touching distance). I only left him with my mom (every couple of months if I was lucky). FINALLY we bit the bullet and left him with a sitter, every week for 1 1/2 hours in the morning when he was at his best. After a few weeks he LOVED her and was shooing me out the door as soon as she arrived. Then I got pregnant...... it was all out the window, and the behavior was worse than ever! We've had lots of talks about how hard it is for things to change but that he will always be my boy and I will always make time for him and love him, even when he's feeling grumpy :) Just sitting and talking about feelings made a HUGE difference! Now I can take a shower while he watches Curious George, he sleeps in his own room by choice, but he still cries when I leave him, even with his dad or my mom (sitter is too busy with high school to be available regularly). I just leave anyway (crying myself) but only when necessary (Dr appts). I know it will get harder before it gets better when the new baby arrives, but it is clearly an age/personality thing that gets worse with stress. Just keep doing the best you can and know that at least he is with a loving daddy who is the only person that can give him the same care you can :) Dr Sears says that if you are holding your child while they cry, you are still attending to their needs, even if you can't stop the crying.
it seems that he has really bad separation issues with you. maybe your husband could take him out to do things without you there (like goto the park or somewhere else fun) i can see how this is stressful for not only you and hubby but for your son. the bottle thing i think he just wants added attention and you should reasure hum that his a big boy and doesnt need a baby bottle. well i hope this is sorta helpful. good luck!
No S., there is no concern and yes it is a stage. You are his mother and always will be. You are also working and he misses "mommy time". My advice is: On one of your days off, take the time, 2 to 4 hours, and just spend it with him. Take him to the park, beach or even go to Walmart. That time along will lessen the fussy moments. It will take a few "alone" times for it to sink in. But when it does, it will be easier for you and your husband! Good luck
Hi S.,
I have found that some kids are smarter and, if you can stomach the term, more manipulative, even at 2 years old, than others. He is either really working you over (my daughter was a master, and is still really good at this) or, he is having bad dreams. I have 3 ideas for you to consider. I have done them all...
It seems to me like he knows a lot of characters from children's movies. He knows them well enough to act out their personalities. While this is amazingly creative, it also suggests he watches tv, movies etc a lot. Try getting him outside, a lot, running his little legs off until he's completely exhausted. Make these days incredibly fun and something to really look forward to. Invite kids just a couple of months older than him to be a part of this too (with their moms) Play with the kids while they're out there...be a part of it with him.
Also, watch his diet. Make sure he is not getting too many starches (breads, pastas, crackers, cookies etc...) or sugars. My daughter reacted pretty violently (personality wise) when she had much of these food products. Substitute peanut butter celery, carrots and other fun finger foods...
Now, for the stay at home dad part: Is the day structured for the kids and him? He would do very well, for both kids, to run the day like a day care would. A time for reading, a time for coloring and puzzles, a time for playing outside, a snack time, a specific time schedule for all things done throughout the day. Make sure it's "productive" for the kids. This will implement, in the little, one that time lines are safe, normal and good because he will know what to expect. This was the most beneficial thing I put into place with my daughter. She began sleeping regularly and without dramatics, she ate on time, she picked up toys on time and so on. We were all much more calm and much happier. It took about a week or maybe 2 for this plan to completely ease the distress in our lives. Kids need specific boundaries to feel safe. They appear, at first, to hate them sometimes, but they thrive with them!
Good Luck!
Maybe he has a fear that mommie is not going to be there reasure him that you will always come home but you have go to work now and that you see him later and tell him that you love him. Sometimes children just need to be told that you are going and coming back soon, also you might if you have the time to call him from work just before time to come home.
It just sounds like he is having seperation anxiety issues. More extreme than I have ever heard of, but that's what it sounds like. Who watches your children when you work? Could it be that their schedule is getting changed when you are not there? Some children do not deal well at with any change.
