May 04, 2009,
U.O. asks from Brooklyn, NY on April 26, 2009
Is My Husband Disrespecting Me? or Am I Overreacting?
Yesterday, my husband & I (& our 11.5mth baby) attended a baby shower in honour of his friends wife. I wasnt really keen on going, because i had this itchy/runny nose that made me uncomfortable. My husbands friend happens to be our babys godfather & has attended all our functions, so i decided to attend, after my husband reminded me of this fact.
The baby shower was going on fine, although my baby wanted to be all over the place & i had to keep restraining her. My husband was apparently deep in conversation with his friend.
This lady comes in & our host introduced her to my husband & me. My husband soon gets busy talking with the new lady. Well, no harm in socializing i guess? & I'm not able to join in the conversation becos my husband is standing with his back to where i'm sitted & kinda cutting me off, unless i stand up & go around him, which i wasnt keen on doing asper i wasnt feeling too good, the room was becoming uncomfortably hot & i had to keep an eye on the baby.
The shower comes to an end & we are leaving about same time with the same lady. My husband is now carrying the baby & still in conversation with this lady & walking to keep up pace with her, while I'm several feets behind. he never turned around to see if the wife he came to the shower with, is leaving with him. We walk like this, out of the house into the street & its only when the lady gets to a junction to make her exit that my husband finally turns round to start walking back towards me. By this time I'm already angry at his conduct & all i can say is "i thought you were seeing her off". He starts saying things that really made no sense, how "i was the one walking too slow" "how he noticed i stopped talking at some point during the baby shower"
A similar incident had happened when i stumbled into a facebook chat he had had with this supposedly innocent female friend - in d chat, she started off saying how sexy his picture was & he replied by saying "thats what she has missed out" and she begins talking about what did not happen once when they were alone in a room (before we got married)& it did not happen becos he was a coward according to her & dear husband replies by telling her not to reminisce. She then asked him 'where is your wife" He replies "in the shower"& he ends the chat (i'm cooking in the kitchen m/while & he knows that i know hes chating with her). This is the same lady i had told him several times, that i did not think its proper to continue chating with.
I'm beginning to feel very disrespected & very angry at my husband. A part of me says - 2 can play the game, pay him back in his coin. But doing that would go against everything i believe in.
talking it over with him in the past (in d case of the facebook chat) proved useless becos he initially apologized but later maintained "he did not do anything wrong". He seems to never do anything wrong.
In fairness to him, i dont see him having extra-marital affairs but again i might be very wrong.
Is my husband disrespecting me? Is his behaviour normal? Am i overeacting? Should i talk to his close friend (our bestman) to talk to him?
2 moms found this helpful
A.J. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
Sorry for your dilemna! Recently a very dear and close friend of mine ended up having an online affair with a man on Facebook and it is taking a toll on their relationship (hubby now knows about it). I frequent Facebook myself and I find it a great way to keep in touch with family and friends. It can be a great way to try to get back in touch with someone but could also open up a can of worms. Facebook is not the "real" world, so to say. Would he really be friends with this person in real life if it weren't for Facebook? If used correctly, it could be a great way to connect with family and friends, but at the same time, could introduce you to a whole new social world. I would tell your husband your concerns in a very diplomatic way so as to not accuse or attack him. If he is chatting with someone on Facebook and knows that you can read his comments, then I would assume it is innocent, but if you are bothered by the "flirting" , he should know that that makes you uneasy and is not something you will tolerate. Communtication is the key here! I just recently rekindled my marriage with my husband and we were very close to divorce. Marriages are high maintenance and it is sooooo much work! I hope all works out for you. Best of luck and hang in there!
P.C. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
You are not overreacting. Trust your instincts on this one. It is time for you and your husband to go to counseling together to discuss this with a trained professional and get your feelings out in the open with someone who can mediate and help you resolve them. The fact that your husband sees nothing wrong in what he's doing says a lot when he's not even honest about where you are. Better to try to work things out when the problem is still small than to wait until it gets bigger I do recommend the couples counseling; having someone else in the room allows you both to express your opinions and feelings and then work on resolving your differences with someone trained to do this. Otherwise, you're just spinning your wheels and getting more frustrated when he doesn't understand your point of view. If your husband refuses to go, then go by yourself. If the first professional you meet with doesn't work well, then try another. It's important to find a therapist/counselor that you feel comfortable with. It's not an easy process, but it IS important. My prayers are with you.
C.H. answers from Rochester on April 27, 2009
Your husband does seem to be disrespecting you and it is important that you communicate how you are feeling about the situation in a calm and loving way, letting him know how much it hurts you. Then, if he is willing to talk...great, but if not, leave it at that and let him know that if and when he is willing to talk you will be there to discuss things and work things out. In the meantime, it is really important for you to put your husband first as much as possible (yes, when possible even before the baby). This is something that I struggle with, but I am trying and I find that when I really work to make my husband feel special and like he is the most important person in my life that I am blessed in return. I encourage you to watch "Fireproof" together or even by yourself, it really helped with putting things in perspective for me. Trust me, I know how difficult it is to do what I am suggesting and chances are you will not be able to do it perfectly, but it gets easier as you go and when you ask the Lord for help when you are struggling and weak, He will provide.
A.B. answers from New York on April 26, 2009
Your husband sounds like most. Now that the baby is here if he gets into a social setting he has to "shine" again like he did before the baby. He is also disrespecting you big time. You are not the sole caretaker so he should have taken the baby 1/2 the time and you didn't mention it, but did he introduce you to the lady at the party? If not, huge diss to you. Chat room chatter. Lots of people think it's innocent and probably is, but it's an ego buster to your hubby, clearly. Instaed of asking him about the chat room lady or the party lady maybe you should ask him what's missing for him with your relationship. Aside from the natural changes in a relationship when baby comes is there something else. Maybe starting a dialouge not from anger but from concern for your relationship will allow him to answer you. You are not over reacting you are concerned, big differnece. I wish you luck. A. B
L.C. answers from Glens Falls on April 27, 2009
It really doesn't matter what anyone else is thinking and feeling. What matters is what you are thinking and feeling. If you are feeling disrespected, then you are. It doesn't seem that talking to him will help the situation. Maybe going inside yourself and examining what it is that is making you feel this way and why you are willing to be in a situation that is not feeling so great, will help. Many times what we think is the issue is really coming from something else. One of the things I do in working with women is helping them get at the source of the issues in their lives, helping them find ways to resolve the issues and move forward in an empowering way so they can lead a healthy and happy life. If you would like help with this, let me know. I would be happy to chat and try to help.
J.F. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
In my humble opinion, the issue is not whether the behavior is "normal" (i.e. whether other people do the same thing) but whether you feel uncomfortable with it. You have indicated that you do. Specifically you have told your husband that you are uncomfortable with his facebook contact, and that he appears to have continued online contact with this woman. Is he disrespecting you? To the extent that you have told him how you feel about this behavior and he has continued it, the answer would appear to be "yes".
Now for the big question: What do you want to do about it? I have learned that if I am uncomfortable with a situation, I need to set a boundary and enforce it. For example, my husband has some elderly relatives for whom English is not their first language. They will often lapse into lengthy conversations in a language I neither speak nor understand, leaving me out, which I find rude, and, more importantly, I feel uncomfortable. I said something to my husband. I was not happy with his response. So I decided that I will not stay in the room when that happens again. Now, when it does happen and my husband sees me start to head toward another room or out for a walk, he switches back into English.
What can you do when your husband's contact with other women leaves you with an uncomfortable feeling? Some friends I know who go to gatherings at the type you were at will leave because they do not want to subject themselves to such discomfort. Some will step in when such interactions are occurring and say something. It's all about what works for you. Yes, your husband will likely give you a hard time. I have learned I do not have to explain or defend anything in this regard. All I say is " I cannot be subjected to this" or "I cannot live with this" or something similar. It is then up to the other person to decide how they will respond. The good news for me is that I have choices as to how I will respond and that I do not have to simply "take" the behavior and stew over it.
The computer is a tougher one. My husband's internet activity got so out of hand, I installed a filter---not because I intended to control his behavior, but because I will not live with smut coming into my house in any way. I am not necessarily suggesting you do this. I am merely telling you what I ended up doing. In my humble opinion, you do not need to get into whether what he is doing is "right" or "wrong",you can simply let him know that you are uncomfortable, and that you therefore will do what you need to do to address the discomfort. If he does not like what you decide to do, he can change his behavior or deal with your response.
One last thing: I would NOT go out and do the same thing to get back at him. If, as you say, it goes against your values, then that would be the worst thing you could do, because then you give up you to make a point to him that he probably will not get anyway.
Hope this helps. If not, feel free to disregard it. Good Luck!
H.G. answers from New York on April 29, 2009
Yes, of course he is disrespecting you. Don't pay him back, or talk to anybody else. If he's just flirting ("just?" I know...), then this can still be fixed. The two of you need to be in serious counseling together. This is about the two of you, and him blowing you off won't change the problem.
If he won't get counseling with you, then you have a big problem. Most men don't think they're wrong. :) But lots of men respect their wives enough to sometimes admit it anyways. And no man should flirt with other women, no matter the situation. This wasn't casual conversation. He made a mistake, and he hurt your feelings. He needs to validate what you feel, and apologize, and figure out why he did that.
That's a lot for a person to figure out on their own. Go to counseling, and get help. It saved my marriage, and my husband is so much more sensitive and thoughtful now! Not perfect, of course, but we can talk about anything now.
C.D. answers from New York on May 04, 2009
hi U.. i feel like he is disrespecting you. i mean - he can obviously talk to other women.....you were at the party etc. in that situation he should've been concerned with you...since you weren't feeling well to begin with. with the facebook thing - i dont think he should be talking to other women....unless they are his sister, mother or other female relative....on the internet or phone. esp ex girlfriends - they are ex for a reason and there should be no real explanation as to why they talk. about what? obviously their past relationship which should not be discussed. i'm sorry U....i'm not saying he's doing anything intentional but i wouldn't feel comfortable if my husband was talking to an old girlfriend online or on the phone. would he be confortable if you were doing the same things he's been? think about it like that. best of luck.