May 04, 2009,
U.O. asks from Brooklyn, NY on April 26, 2009
Is My Husband Disrespecting Me? or Am I Overreacting?
Yesterday, my husband & I (& our 11.5mth baby) attended a baby shower in honour of his friends wife. I wasnt really keen on going, because i had this itchy/runny nose that made me uncomfortable. My husbands friend happens to be our babys godfather & has attended all our functions, so i decided to attend, after my husband reminded me of this fact.
The baby shower was going on fine, although my baby wanted to be all over the place & i had to keep restraining her. My husband was apparently deep in conversation with his friend.
This lady comes in & our host introduced her to my husband & me. My husband soon gets busy talking with the new lady. Well, no harm in socializing i guess? & I'm not able to join in the conversation becos my husband is standing with his back to where i'm sitted & kinda cutting me off, unless i stand up & go around him, which i wasnt keen on doing asper i wasnt feeling too good, the room was becoming uncomfortably hot & i had to keep an eye on the baby.
The shower comes to an end & we are leaving about same time with the same lady. My husband is now carrying the baby & still in conversation with this lady & walking to keep up pace with her, while I'm several feets behind. he never turned around to see if the wife he came to the shower with, is leaving with him. We walk like this, out of the house into the street & its only when the lady gets to a junction to make her exit that my husband finally turns round to start walking back towards me. By this time I'm already angry at his conduct & all i can say is "i thought you were seeing her off". He starts saying things that really made no sense, how "i was the one walking too slow" "how he noticed i stopped talking at some point during the baby shower"
A similar incident had happened when i stumbled into a facebook chat he had had with this supposedly innocent female friend - in d chat, she started off saying how sexy his picture was & he replied by saying "thats what she has missed out" and she begins talking about what did not happen once when they were alone in a room (before we got married)& it did not happen becos he was a coward according to her & dear husband replies by telling her not to reminisce. She then asked him 'where is your wife" He replies "in the shower"& he ends the chat (i'm cooking in the kitchen m/while & he knows that i know hes chating with her). This is the same lady i had told him several times, that i did not think its proper to continue chating with.
I'm beginning to feel very disrespected & very angry at my husband. A part of me says - 2 can play the game, pay him back in his coin. But doing that would go against everything i believe in.
talking it over with him in the past (in d case of the facebook chat) proved useless becos he initially apologized but later maintained "he did not do anything wrong". He seems to never do anything wrong.
In fairness to him, i dont see him having extra-marital affairs but again i might be very wrong.
Is my husband disrespecting me? Is his behaviour normal? Am i overeacting? Should i talk to his close friend (our bestman) to talk to him?
2 moms found this helpful
A.J. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
Sorry for your dilemna! Recently a very dear and close friend of mine ended up having an online affair with a man on Facebook and it is taking a toll on their relationship (hubby now knows about it). I frequent Facebook myself and I find it a great way to keep in touch with family and friends. It can be a great way to try to get back in touch with someone but could also open up a can of worms. Facebook is not the "real" world, so to say. Would he really be friends with this person in real life if it weren't for Facebook? If used correctly, it could be a great way to connect with family and friends, but at the same time, could introduce you to a whole new social world. I would tell your husband your concerns in a very diplomatic way so as to not accuse or attack him. If he is chatting with someone on Facebook and knows that you can read his comments, then I would assume it is innocent, but if you are bothered by the "flirting" , he should know that that makes you uneasy and is not something you will tolerate. Communtication is the key here! I just recently rekindled my marriage with my husband and we were very close to divorce. Marriages are high maintenance and it is sooooo much work! I hope all works out for you. Best of luck and hang in there!
P.C. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
You are not overreacting. Trust your instincts on this one. It is time for you and your husband to go to counseling together to discuss this with a trained professional and get your feelings out in the open with someone who can mediate and help you resolve them. The fact that your husband sees nothing wrong in what he's doing says a lot when he's not even honest about where you are. Better to try to work things out when the problem is still small than to wait until it gets bigger I do recommend the couples counseling; having someone else in the room allows you both to express your opinions and feelings and then work on resolving your differences with someone trained to do this. Otherwise, you're just spinning your wheels and getting more frustrated when he doesn't understand your point of view. If your husband refuses to go, then go by yourself. If the first professional you meet with doesn't work well, then try another. It's important to find a therapist/counselor that you feel comfortable with. It's not an easy process, but it IS important. My prayers are with you.
C.H. answers from Rochester on April 27, 2009
Your husband does seem to be disrespecting you and it is important that you communicate how you are feeling about the situation in a calm and loving way, letting him know how much it hurts you. Then, if he is willing to talk...great, but if not, leave it at that and let him know that if and when he is willing to talk you will be there to discuss things and work things out. In the meantime, it is really important for you to put your husband first as much as possible (yes, when possible even before the baby). This is something that I struggle with, but I am trying and I find that when I really work to make my husband feel special and like he is the most important person in my life that I am blessed in return. I encourage you to watch "Fireproof" together or even by yourself, it really helped with putting things in perspective for me. Trust me, I know how difficult it is to do what I am suggesting and chances are you will not be able to do it perfectly, but it gets easier as you go and when you ask the Lord for help when you are struggling and weak, He will provide.
A.B. answers from New York on April 26, 2009
Your husband sounds like most. Now that the baby is here if he gets into a social setting he has to "shine" again like he did before the baby. He is also disrespecting you big time. You are not the sole caretaker so he should have taken the baby 1/2 the time and you didn't mention it, but did he introduce you to the lady at the party? If not, huge diss to you. Chat room chatter. Lots of people think it's innocent and probably is, but it's an ego buster to your hubby, clearly. Instaed of asking him about the chat room lady or the party lady maybe you should ask him what's missing for him with your relationship. Aside from the natural changes in a relationship when baby comes is there something else. Maybe starting a dialouge not from anger but from concern for your relationship will allow him to answer you. You are not over reacting you are concerned, big differnece. I wish you luck. A. B
L.C. answers from Glens Falls on April 27, 2009
It really doesn't matter what anyone else is thinking and feeling. What matters is what you are thinking and feeling. If you are feeling disrespected, then you are. It doesn't seem that talking to him will help the situation. Maybe going inside yourself and examining what it is that is making you feel this way and why you are willing to be in a situation that is not feeling so great, will help. Many times what we think is the issue is really coming from something else. One of the things I do in working with women is helping them get at the source of the issues in their lives, helping them find ways to resolve the issues and move forward in an empowering way so they can lead a healthy and happy life. If you would like help with this, let me know. I would be happy to chat and try to help.
J.F. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
In my humble opinion, the issue is not whether the behavior is "normal" (i.e. whether other people do the same thing) but whether you feel uncomfortable with it. You have indicated that you do. Specifically you have told your husband that you are uncomfortable with his facebook contact, and that he appears to have continued online contact with this woman. Is he disrespecting you? To the extent that you have told him how you feel about this behavior and he has continued it, the answer would appear to be "yes".
Now for the big question: What do you want to do about it? I have learned that if I am uncomfortable with a situation, I need to set a boundary and enforce it. For example, my husband has some elderly relatives for whom English is not their first language. They will often lapse into lengthy conversations in a language I neither speak nor understand, leaving me out, which I find rude, and, more importantly, I feel uncomfortable. I said something to my husband. I was not happy with his response. So I decided that I will not stay in the room when that happens again. Now, when it does happen and my husband sees me start to head toward another room or out for a walk, he switches back into English.
What can you do when your husband's contact with other women leaves you with an uncomfortable feeling? Some friends I know who go to gatherings at the type you were at will leave because they do not want to subject themselves to such discomfort. Some will step in when such interactions are occurring and say something. It's all about what works for you. Yes, your husband will likely give you a hard time. I have learned I do not have to explain or defend anything in this regard. All I say is " I cannot be subjected to this" or "I cannot live with this" or something similar. It is then up to the other person to decide how they will respond. The good news for me is that I have choices as to how I will respond and that I do not have to simply "take" the behavior and stew over it.
The computer is a tougher one. My husband's internet activity got so out of hand, I installed a filter---not because I intended to control his behavior, but because I will not live with smut coming into my house in any way. I am not necessarily suggesting you do this. I am merely telling you what I ended up doing. In my humble opinion, you do not need to get into whether what he is doing is "right" or "wrong",you can simply let him know that you are uncomfortable, and that you therefore will do what you need to do to address the discomfort. If he does not like what you decide to do, he can change his behavior or deal with your response.
One last thing: I would NOT go out and do the same thing to get back at him. If, as you say, it goes against your values, then that would be the worst thing you could do, because then you give up you to make a point to him that he probably will not get anyway.
Hope this helps. If not, feel free to disregard it. Good Luck!
H.G. answers from New York on April 29, 2009
Yes, of course he is disrespecting you. Don't pay him back, or talk to anybody else. If he's just flirting ("just?" I know...), then this can still be fixed. The two of you need to be in serious counseling together. This is about the two of you, and him blowing you off won't change the problem.
If he won't get counseling with you, then you have a big problem. Most men don't think they're wrong. :) But lots of men respect their wives enough to sometimes admit it anyways. And no man should flirt with other women, no matter the situation. This wasn't casual conversation. He made a mistake, and he hurt your feelings. He needs to validate what you feel, and apologize, and figure out why he did that.
That's a lot for a person to figure out on their own. Go to counseling, and get help. It saved my marriage, and my husband is so much more sensitive and thoughtful now! Not perfect, of course, but we can talk about anything now.
C.D. answers from New York on May 04, 2009
hi U.. i feel like he is disrespecting you. i mean - he can obviously talk to other women.....you were at the party etc. in that situation he should've been concerned with you...since you weren't feeling well to begin with. with the facebook thing - i dont think he should be talking to other women....unless they are his sister, mother or other female relative....on the internet or phone. esp ex girlfriends - they are ex for a reason and there should be no real explanation as to why they talk. about what? obviously their past relationship which should not be discussed. i'm sorry U....i'm not saying he's doing anything intentional but i wouldn't feel comfortable if my husband was talking to an old girlfriend online or on the phone. would he be confortable if you were doing the same things he's been? think about it like that. best of luck.
A.G. answers from New York on April 28, 2009
Well, at the babyshower, what he should have done in my opinion was to try and include you in on the conversations, and not make you feel left out. He seems like he wants to have his cake, and eat it to. It sounds to me like he is kind of flirty, he portrays himself to you as one person, but behind your back he acts like someone else. I know your newly married, but just keep your guard up. If it seems to continue. I would definetly sit and have a talk with him... Good Luck.
R.J. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
I think you should talk to your hubby and tell him how you feel. The first rule of a happy marriage is communicaiton. Good luck!
J.D. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
Personally, I do think it us rude & disrespectfu. I also think that he will never agree unless it happens to him. That being said I don't think two wrongs make a right. I thinkbyou should say, very simply,you may not have done anything wrong but it makes me unconf & as your wife that should be your first priority. I'm a big believer in if it makes me or my spouse uncof that should be what matters first & foremost. Period.
There is no reason for him to keep up a relationship with someone who is telling him he is sexy. There is no reason for a wife (or husband) to feel insecure in their marriage over something like this. You're not crazy & he should have never had that fb conversation.
Best of luck to you & I'm sorry you have to feelthis way. It's not very fair to you.
All the best,
K.I. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
What you're really asking is if you need more proof of him doing wrong to be mad at him.
I told my husband that I did need to see him actually having intercourse with someone to feel direspected by his actions - meaning he may not have overstepped the bounds, but I am uncomforable enough to be mad at him and I have the right.
You are upset with his behavior, trust you instincts and be ok with being upset.
He can argue that is all in your mind and that he did not do anything wrong yadda, yadda, yadda.
Men always try and get away with that.
If you wait for him to do something wrong it would be too late to save the marriage.
He made you feel like second fiddle.
He forgot about you and your new family.
And your husband has a wandering eye from the face book incident and his actions.
And you don't have to wait for an affair to confront this
When my husband started acting that way he said that he was not getting enough sex.
Maybe you can get at the route of what he wants and re negotiate. It sounds like you're focused on the baby and he's focused on his other head.
N.C. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
I don't think your husband is intentionally disrespecting you, but he seems to be out to push his limits, almost as he is the child and you are the parent. It's also possible that with the new baby and all the life changes he might be feeling a little neglected as your attentions are no longer all on him. I am not saying that it's right, but it is how it is.
If you continue as things are, then there will be more conflicts and arguments for you in the future. Your relationship might continue to deteriote at this rate, but you can change the course of your relationship for the better. What doesn't work is to tell him what to do and to restrict him - he will probably just want to do the opposite, and in the end you need to trust him anyway. I suggest talking to him without accusing him and putting him on the defensive. You might want to stress the positive, all the nice things he has done for the family, and acknowledge your parts. There is no point in trying to talk if it's going to be about who's right and who's wrong. In the end it doesn't matter, because you are a team. Whatever he does will affect you, and vice versa.
I know it's not easy letting go of the resentment and anger, but I hope you can do it for the sake of your family. I am not saying that you should be a doormat, but I am just saying to consider the future of your family. You'd be surprised what happens when we make the choice to let go of the bad feelings.
Best wishes for you and your family!
M.G. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
He is totally disrespecting you. He should not be chatting online with other women.
What door has he opened that she is calling him sexy and he is responding? Talking to another woman at a shower and leaving you to follow him, disgusting. Do not have any more children with this man. He needs to get some help for his wandering eyes first. He sounds very insecure, if he needs that much attention from the opposite sex. Don't lower yourself to his level. there are way too many diseases out there, and cheating is never the way to go. If he cannot get help or won't stop, LEAVE HIM. Sorry for the harshness, but his behavior is deplorable.
P.C. answers from New York on April 26, 2009
Absolutely he is disrespecting you!!
And I agree with the previous poster that Men seem to do this after the baby comes. Sometimes they are just very involved with being the Daddy that they forget you behind them. I have a few times been left to walk behind my husband when he has the baby and I have the diaper bag! But I never let him get away with it and he knows it. That stopped very quickly after I pointed out how rude he was being.
But you are certainly in a different situation.
I am not so sure he is all that innocent. No man should be "chatting" to any woman on FB or anywhere else for that matter. He is probably feeling that now that he is a father, he isn't all that big a deal anymore. Guys are really strange. They just can't handle being a parent. They are always afraid they are missing out on something. And they may very well love their babies, but they always need to know that they are still attractive to other women. Keep an eye on him. I am not so sure he isn't headed down a certain road if some woman swings her skirt his way. I hope I am wrong, but I also believe that if it smells like it, tastes like it and looks like it, then it is! If you are getting uneasy feelings and feeling that he is disrespecting you, then he is! Only you know how attentive he was with you before the baby and only you know how he is treating you now.
Do you have a good relationship with his Dad?
When I first had my daughter, my Husband went through a short time where he was upset that I decided not to go back to work. I wanted to be a SAHM. My father-in-law came over and sat with us and he backed me 100%. He knew that my husband was just getting nervous about the situation and being a new Dad. He talked with him and everything was great after that.
It is a good idea to find someone who has gone through the "new Daddy" phase and can relate to what he might be feeling. I hope that is all it is.
Good Luck Dear!
J.G. answers from Rochester on April 27, 2009
I would be upset and in the past I had a boyfriend who did these kinds of things. Out of respect for yourself say in a non-confrontational time and way that what he did on these occasions hurt you wether or not he did it intintionally (maybe he won't be as defensive if you make it seem like it could have just been a careless accident). If he continues to do this kinda thing than you have to make a decision how much you can put up with and what the next step is for YOU(and hope he follows) such as counciling...
Good luck, don't sacrifice yourself.
A.S. answers from Rochester on April 28, 2009
Girl, if he's flirtatiously talking with someone other than you with someone that had a mutual attraction, you need to look into yourself & ask if you want to live with someone that doesn't respect your feelings. I was told by my ex-husband & his family that he isn't the cheating kind. Funny thing, that's how our marriage ended....when I found out he had a girlfriend. He did the same disrepectful stuff to me...saying, "hey sexy" to other women. Yeah, I found that on his cell phone & he claimed it meant nothing. With people like this, "nothing" means "something". I think it was Dr Phil that once said that if he's doing something that he wouldn't do in front of you, he's cheating. That goes for women, too. Hope this helps. Just sit back & see what you want for your future & that of your kids. I have 2 year old twins & divorced when they were one. If you decide to divorce, it is better at a younger age than having your daughter grow up with a mum that can't trust her husband. Believe me, the questioning of what he's doing with just keep growing.
I wish you well.
N.L. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
Don's have much time to chat, but I did want to respond a few quick things. For one, YES definitely get a trusted outsider to help intervene. Even if this best friend or whomever says the exact things you say, he will hear it differently. Secondly, although there is some degree of "over-reaction" on your part (it seems to me) it doesn't mean that your feelings aren't valid and that you shouldn't address the fact that your needs in this area aren't being met. Thirdly, look into the book/workbook series on how to have an affair proof marriage. It comes from www.dynamicmarriage.com and there are several resources there for marriage. And for certain, try to stand outside the picture and think rationally about how to be solution oriented and resolve the real issues at hand versus an emotional tit-for-tat reaction, I know you said you wouldn't go there and I'm glad you can say as much to yourself but I do want to reiterate that such a reaction will only for certain doom your marriage. You've only been married a little while and men do not intuitively pick up on what it "means" to be married as far as many things, propriety, boundaries and social expectations are certainly among them. Breathe, remind yourself of the objective facts and look for real ways of addressing the real issues. Best wishes, N.
R.S. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
go with your gutt, i wish i did
for so long i felt similar as you did and i just kept on saying nah, he wouldnt im his world
there is just noway in heck...
well guess what..
i was wrong wrong wrong...
when ur gutt is telling u something..ur gutt is ur sixth sense and its what psychic use really...
sorry im being blunt but what im going through is recent..
maybe u cant save things since you can find out why his eyes are straying...good luck...
sometimes its just something like he is sick of nagging..
(yea how silly is that to throw away a marriage or a relationship) and not just come and talk to u about it..kwim..
good luck hun
why oh why men dont talk..and i have 4 kids he did this too..:(
A.H. answers from Albany on April 27, 2009
He is totally disrespecting you. I have sooo been there. He is trying to justify HIS bad behavior and choices, don't let him. Stand your ground now. Counseling is a good choice for the both of you or you alone. Follow your instinct and remember your child will learn relationship
from their parents first. Set a healthy example.
A.S. answers from Rochester on April 27, 2009
I remember my husband being oblivious when I was at a party and ALL I could do was focus on my daughter to try to keep her out of trouble! :) My husband stated he had a good time and I told him I didn't because I couldn't do ANYTHING! I couldn't socialize or anything...
I DO encourage a heart-to-heart chat without the distraction of your daughter around - go get coffee or dinner together to chat...tell him how you feel.
And perhaps from now on, leave your daughter with a babysitter. It WILL get easier when she gets older...
It's VERY tempting to be seeking out attention from outsiders - I've been there before myself. I think you also need to find your balance - make sure you pay enough attention to him as well - even though you probably don't feel like it or feel that he takes care of you.
Maybe a weekend vacation may do wonders...
Hang in there - remember the things you love about him and the reasons for marrying him...
R.H. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
No U., you are not over-reacting. If my husband treated me like that I would be flipping out pist off!!! I would not ignore him or his behavior, he is either looking for something from you or looking, period. If he is doing the latter, do not tolerate and leave. You will save yourself years of misery. I know too many women with cheating, disrespecting husbands and how they have tolerated, even up to 20-30 years. The amount of hurt and devastation it brings is not worth having the mommy and daddy thing for your daughter. She is better off with one happy parent than two miserable parents who will split up anyway and it will also show her not to tolerate bad behavior either. But, before all of that, find out why, why, why, he is treating you like this and remind him that you are a person with feelings as well. Once he owes up, drop it and forgive. Do not let negative feelings harbor in you and most certainly do not do it back to him. That is an immature and dishonest thing to do to yourself and to the other person. An old friend of mine cheated on her boyfriened because he cheated on her. She ended up pregnant and neither of the guys wanted her and to top it off the guy she cheated with, was married and had children.
Please, don't let yourself end up a victim or play tit for tat games. Be the bigger, better person, afterall the one who will most likely suffer out of this will be your innocent daughter.
B.C. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
Hi. You are not overreacting. You, as the wife and a mother of his child, should be the most important thing in his life, whether at home, at a party, wherever. You should always be the priority, and noone, man or woman, should be more important to talk to. And he should NOT be chatting with other women on facebook. Follow your instincts, we women have incredible gut feelings, if you think he's cheating (or you think he might), he probably is (or will). I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's better that you get in the right mindset now rather than later, and then get hurt ten times more just because you didn't see what was going on (or didn't want to see). Don't let him treat you like that, set your grounds now, maybe go to counseling if he'd agree. Although he may not think he's doing anything wrong and so he may not want to. Best of luck and stay strong!
S.D. answers from Albany on April 27, 2009
I think that it must be really hard having only been married for just over a year and already having a nearly year old baby to care for. That's a lot to handle and you surely have not had a lot of time to focus on your relationship during the past year!
I highly recommend seeking some counseling before this gets any worse. You and DH are both coping with a lot and might just need to hear an outside perspective on what you are experiencing. It really sounds like you both need more attention & are frustrated and needing an outlet for that. Try taking some time just to be together and to remember why you married each other in the first place.
D.B. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
No, I don't think you're over-reacting at all.... he was being a real jerk!
However, I don't think that you're yelling at him or arguing with him is going to fix the problem. I would choose a night when you are both relaxed, and the baby is asleep, and tell him that you would like to talk to him. Then calmly tell him how badly he is hurting your feelings when he acts this way, and that his talking to other women on facebook makes you feel very insecure.
Start your sentences with "I feel" such and such, when you do "whatever". The idea is to get your point across without placing blame, so that it turns into an argument. If you begin your sentences with "you did" such and such, it sounds accusatory, and won't lead to a productive conversation.
Let him know how badly his behavior hurts you, without telling him that what he's doing is wrong.
If he has a brain in his head, that should lead to a change in his behavior.
It it doesn't, then do what I do when I can't get my point across any other way.....just stop talking to him for a couple of days. If he's like most men, that will drive him nuts! LOL
I've been married for 32 years, and my husband is as stubborn as a mule, and that works every time!
S.B. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
Let me share something with you that may help. My husband, Ray, and I got married when we were in our early 30's, a little late by today's standards. We had both been living on our own for a few years, and had certain ways to doing things. When we first moved in together, these little things that we never noticed before, became real issues. He chose to ignor them, but I took a stand and made him talk about them. Essentially, I had to train him to be a good husband. I would sit next to him on the couch where he was watching T.V. If the conversation could be done during a commercial break, then I did it then. If it was something that I knew would take longer to discuss, I asked him to turn it off.
Now, in general, when you have to confront anyone about anything, always sandwich the information between positives. "You have been doing a great job of ..... I'm feeling a little upset about... and I want to explain why. You are the love of my life because .... Thank you for putting up with me!"
After a while, Ray would know by my body language that I was going to bring up something, and he would just look at me when a commercial came on. "What is it this time?" LOL But, because I always started and ended on a positive note, he was able to take it and do what I asked. After several of these conversations, I approached him with my usual starting line of, "We need to talk," and proceeded to tell him two things that he had done well and that I was very proud to be his wife. I gave him a kiss, and then watched the T.V. His surprised response of, "That's it?" was priceless. He was so happy that I thought he was going to float off the couch!
I hope this helps.
S.T. answers from Albany on April 27, 2009
U., I personally don't think you're over reacting but I do say that you need to talk to him and I do agree that you can speak to him the positive things then explain what has been bothering you. Tell him the truth that you would like him to walk along side of you when you both go out some place and if you feel it's best he is not to keep communicating with that lady tell him that again. In fact, play along with her. She's complimenting him, making him feel good, etc. then you do it too. Men need positive affirmation and need to hear the good things about them and feel respected and then he may end up respecting you and cut off his communication with that female and other females. If he doesn't, ask him if there is something he's missing out with you because you sure don't feel respected. I was going to suggest marriage counseling and see if he'll go. But, why don't you both read Love and Respect book together. It'll be great for both of you to understand each other and do it as a quality time with each other when your baby is asleep, napping or whenever its best. Also, check out A Weekend to Remember conference and it was great when my husband and I went. It was very difficult to leave our three boys at my in-law's but it was great. We never went away from our boys that long and we were ever so ready to get them. You don't have to leave your child that long, it was sugggested to us because we didn't do that for 4 years! Be away from our boys. Also, you need a date night with your husband. Do you have someone you can trust to watch your daughter? It helped a GREAT deal to have a date night. Do all you can positively (don't pay attnetion to this thing about getting back at him, do what is right and keep believing in what you stand for) for him, yourself and your marriage. Marriage takes ALOT of work to keep it going. I know for sure....Jesus Christ is the only stable foundation for all marriages. Let us know what happened and if you have a question and/or comment please feel free to let us/me know. I'll be praying for you.
A.D. answers from New York on April 28, 2009
Hi U., I think you should speak to him again and tell him how you feel. This does not sound good. I agree that you can not pay him back, it will only cause more problems. You have to go with your gut about what is happening. If your man has a roving eye you can not change him. Some men need constant reassurance that they are attractive. He needs to know that you want to fulfill his needs and do not appreciate his disrespect. Grandma Mary
K.A. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
There are so many different agles to this story and only you can know the answer. But I have to say from experience that some men go through early mid-life crisis and want to feel desired by other women, it's sexier than having a wife and baby at home and feel trapped and guilty that they can't go out and have a good time. With this said, my personal opinion is that a husband should not flirt on a consistant basis with the same woman. It's disrespectful to you and can lead to something with her. It's different if he flirts playfully with strangers on the street; a one time thing. If I were you I would have a serious talk with him (you're still newlyweds and the roaming eye should not happen quite yet), tell him what's bothering you and how you feel, and ask him how he feels and if he has any issues he wants to discuss with you. Additionally to that I would go through his emails and chats and phone and wallet to have peace of mind. I know there's a certain amount of trust that keeps a relationship strong, but as far as I'm concerned he broke that tie when he chats with other women in frong of you and practically ignores you. To carry on with another woman, who he just met, and ignoring you in the process is unacceptable in any situation. You need to know what's going on and where his mind and heart is.
W.T. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
Counseling is the way to go. A third party can help sort out where the anger lies and get away from worry about overreacting/arguing about who's right or wrong, and help you both focus on what will best care for each other and your marriage. They can help it go from win/lose (who's right, wrong, who has to change) to a win-win that celebrates your marriage bond and the family you share.
Blessings to you... let me know if you need to talk or need help finding a counselor.
J.G. answers from Buffalo on April 27, 2009
Sorry for the drama in your life!! Your husband is definitely disrespecting you!! It's ok to talk to someone at a party, but at least he should acknowledge your and your baby's presence! At least give you a break with the baby so you can socialize as well!! Maybe you should have a heart to heart with him. If that doesn't work, maybe couples therapy?? Good luck!!
A.D. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
I like Nan D's advice.
I would also add make sure when you do go out, or even when you're home, that you ask your husband to watch your daughter for the next hour so that you can enjoy the event too (or if home, to have a chance to relax in the shower, to straighten up, to do any of the little things that are 100 times harder when you have to do them while watching a small child). He may not even realize you're chained to the kid and stuck, but if you make a point to let him know it's his turn to watch, he'll get an ever so slightly improved sense of responsibility - either way you'll get a break.
And laslty, while you don't mention this, I was exhausted after having my daughter, and that affected our sex life. I told my husband that we couldn't just live by our old routines anymore. If we stayed up til 11 watching TV, I needed to go to sleep immediately. I told him if he wanted to make love, we had to be in bed by 10. If you feel too exhausted for sex, you might want to do the same thing. Then, after telling him that, find a day where you are feeling pretty well, get ready for bed an hour earlier than normal, put on something sexy and tell your husband you'e going to bed and ask if he's coming, he'll either join you or you'll get an extra hour sleep. It's a "win-win" situation.
I think your husband needs to tell the woman that's been texting him that he's happily married, or you can tell her if you find her being overly aggressive in her persuit of him (but this will be sure to piss him off). You both have a lot of adjusting to do, I don't know how long you were together before you got married, but unless it was several years, you've spent a good part of your relationship either pregnant or with a newborn and being married is an adjustment too. Give him a chance to show he is faithfull and trying his best to make this work, but respect yourself enough to have a "plan B" if it is clear that that's not going to happen.
N.D. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
I notice that you have only been married a year and you are 31. I think your husband is used to socializing and is not 'stuck' at home with a wife and baby and hasnt made the adjustment. He is acting more like a 20 y/o than his age. That being said its not up to you to tell him, it will only drive him further away.
So he needs to be stroked. Admire how he plays with the baby, tell him how great he is when he mows the lawn. Cuddle up to him while watching TV and murmur sweet nothings in his ear. I'm sure you are tired and need stroking yourself, but its amazing how it comes back to you. Also if you can occupy his time enough he wont be on the computer as much and might enjoy being around you and the baby. Maybe he can take her for a walk while you are making dinner, ask him to point out all the pretty flowers. Do something fun with her. Does he give her a bath? Babies this age love baths and my sons have enjoyed bathing their little ones.
Like anything else marriage is hard work and if you want a happy one you have to go the extra mile. Oh and you are not over reacting. Just react in a positive way. Its a lot easier to 'stroke' than to argue. Subterfuge works wonders. heehee
J.C. answers from New York on April 27, 2009
My husband opened a bar during my
First pregnancy. Needless to day, there were many young girls hovering around him
Like a flock of seagulls to a trash can. I really
Trusted him at the time and thought nothing of any of it. His flirtation was "part of the job". Sure, til I found an email from him to a patron asking her out and telling her she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. It was devasatating. I thought of divorce but decided we made a vow and I intended to keep our vows. But I am now very weary, even I it has been 4 years. And I am sure he's done other things ofnwhich I caught little hints of. So please be on your toes, look out for yourself and your child. Take care!
K.H. answers from Utica on April 27, 2009
The fact that you are asking is an indication that you are surely upset and don't know how to react, not a case of overreacting, but how to react.
My mother told me when I was first married. If you don't want him to act the way you are acting, then don't you do it. I am guessing that his mother did not give him that same advice.
I had an incident happen once, where I felt left out. When the night was over, I said "unless you want me to start acting like you are you best not treat me as if I am not there again" Wow! he looked at me and said, "my mom told me "if you don't want her doing something don't you do it" I smiled and said "take you mom's advice"
I never had to deal with the problem again.
The Bible says "do unto other as you want them to do to you" Guess that is where our parents got that advice.
Since you gave him a choice to behave properly and he hasn't it is up to you what you put up with and how.
No way I would want my husband talking to women on the computer, I would not even think of talking to men because of it. No way I let my husband ignore me when we are out. I used to remind him before we left that we are on a date, and I expect to be the most important person there, if I am not or suspect I am not, I will decide the date is over. Now it is habit.
God bless your decisions
K. --- SAHM married 38 years ---- adult children 37, coach; 33, lawyer, married with son 9mo; and twin girls, 18, in college after homeschooling.
D. answers from New York on April 26, 2009
O.k. first I am not by any means agreeing with his behavior at all. However, men are like our oldest children and if they feel left out they start to act out. It seems that he is looking for attention that, maybe, he isn't getting from you. I know what it's like to have a 1 yr old and no time for yourself, but maybe it's time to make time for just the 2 of you. Remind him what fun you can be. Plan something fun for just you 2 and get a sitter or have someone watch the baby. My husband and I are going through the same thing right now, except my husband was spending WAY to much time with his best friend. We have 2 small kids (4 1/2 yrs and 21 mos) and we kind of lost each other. I gets hard when we have kids. It's hard for some men to see us as anything but a mother. Remind him that you are more then that. Remind him of the woman you were before the baby. Let him see that that woman is still in there.