November 02, 2009,
S.W. asks from Litchfield, MN on September 30, 2009
Husband Not Honest About Things
My husband and I got into a huge fight over facebook. I have a facebook account and my husband knows the passwords too. He frequently will go on with me to play games. I asked him las week if he would like his own account and I would gladdly help him set it up. He said no he didn't want an account that he wouldn't ever use it. Last night I found out he has had a facebook account for several months. What bothers me the most is the fact that he lied about. What is he hiding? He refuses to talk about and just says it's no big deal. I have spent 11 years with him and doesn't want to throw it all away but without trust a marriage we have nothing. Where do I go from here? I'm 99.99 percent sure he is not cheating but why lie then? Any advise will be helpful Thanks
K.J. answers from Minneapolis on November 02, 2009
I have to disagree with what a lot of these women are saying about creating a fake account and flirting with him. That's a disaster waiting to happen. Say he does start flirting back, do you really want to bust him with that? You'll only create so many more issues.
I think you need to have an open talk and I do like the suggestion of friend requesting him. If he doesn't approve it, simply ask him why not and go from there.
Good luck to you.
T.W. answers from Minneapolis on October 01, 2009
I have not had the same experience... but close enough. My husband had a seperate email that he hid from me, and was talking to his ex for the last 6 months... telling her how beautiful she etc.
I believe firmly that there should be NO secrets in a marrage. I sneak around on his computer when I feel that something is up... and almost every time I feel that way, I find something he is hiding from me. Well, this last time I had my car packed for a whole week while he tried to apologize. I decided to give it another try, because it has been 10 years, and he didn't cheat.
You need to confront him, and as far as I am concerned... you should give each other all passwords to all internet accounts. If he can not be open and honest with you about everything, then there are no grounds for a loving relationship.
I am sorry you are going through this. Men make life so difficult for us :(
A.F. answers from St. Cloud on October 01, 2009
Hi S.! I think it's hilarious that everyone is demonizing facebook, as if husbands or wives never flirted or cheated before. The idea is ludicrous. Eliminating facebook won't make you able to trust your husband. HE has to elminiate LYING to you. That is the ROOT of the problem.
Lying means having something to hide. Lying is a big deal! He needs to know that you WANT to trust him and he has to protect that trust.
Don't throw your marriage away, but definitely set ground rules. Even now, it's not too late. You are so right that without trust a marriage is nothing.
Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him how much you trust him and that this is taking that trust away.
Oh, and don't sneak around and pretend to be someone else, flirting with him on facebook. That is not trustworthy. You should "friend" him as yourself and it will be a good accountability for him.
ETA*** I want to address something that another poster said. She suggested that you go back to being the person that he fell in love with.....and the facebook issue would be moot. NO! I take issue with the idea that women make men do things they shouldn't! Please don't shoulder the blame for this!
3 moms found this helpful
J.L. answers from Minneapolis on September 30, 2009
All I can say is Facebook is from the devil! I had an account and got rid of it. I was shocked two weeks into my using it how many ex-boyfriends and guys who were interested in dating in the past, but got no where came sniffing around looking for a "hook-up" under the guise of
"just being friends".
Let's put it this way, my DH was starting to get really annoyed. I got rid of my separate account, and we now share one. I was sickened by the fact that many of them had wives who knew nothing about their accounts.
The other thing I learned is all of the "sniffers" had only female friends and a few male friends, but never their wives. All of the "faithful" guys had their wives included on their accounts as a friend...and regular interaction with them on the "wall" etc.
The really sleazy "sniffers" even went as far as to create an account using a different name/handle.
I'd ask your husband if you can join his friend list. If he flat out says no, you've got something to worry about. If that happens, I'd even consider doing a little investigative work of your own and create an account with a different name and then ask him to join to see what he does. Say you've seen him at work and want to get to know him...or something.
I've concluded if you're married and have a career, you have no business putting anything but family pics and updates and messages out to the family on Facebook. Anything else is a recipe for trouble. Good Luck.
2 moms found this helpful
D.G. answers from Minneapolis on October 01, 2009
Make sure you and he are facebook friends, and you can go to his home page and read the postings. I don't think that you can see the chats, though.
K.T. answers from Minneapolis on October 01, 2009
If he wasn't up to no good, he would have added you as his FIRST friend when he first created the account. And he certainly wouldn't have lied about it. He is fishing for something... has gone to the point of cheating yet is the question? In a way I think this still counts as emotional cheating and it is certainly a great way to lose your trust. I know a lot of my friends use their Facebook basically as their new email accounts since there is no spam. I would send him a friend request, and see what happens with that. And I would tell him you're feeling insecure since he did not let you know about the account, and ask him if he would show you his Facebook messages [the email messages- not just the wall postings] just to clear your mind of worry...and see how he reacts. If he shows you right away and is willing to let you look for yourself, great. If he refuses to go on the computer, or goes onto his account but is avoiding certain folders/links/friend lists... there is obviously something more going on.
J.L. answers from Minneapolis on October 01, 2009
I would have to agree, he is hiding something! Since he has your password, you should be able to at least "friend" him. My gut would say talking to other women?
T.K. answers from Milwaukee on September 30, 2009
I feel for you S.. I had something VERY similar happen to me recently. I am still unnerved about it. My husband ignored my request to connect for a long time. I poked around & saw a woman connected to him that I am 90% sure was the woman he cheated on his first wife with. Well, when I prodded him about not accepting me, he went over to his laptop, did a few things (I couldn't see what he was typing) & then he connected with me. I mentioned this woman & he played totally stupid. I walked over to his laptop to point her out & magically, she was gone. He still plays dumb about it to this day. I KNOW what I saw & even if it wasn't THAT woman, it was SOME woman, and he removed or erased her from his account for some reason just before he accepted my invitation. Now, tell me that isn't fishy.
I think Facebook is very dangerous for relationships. I would guess there are many, many people who have gone through something similar with their spouses. Harmless flirting or not, it destroys trust. I know it's done damage to the trust I have in MY husband.
GOod luck handling it. If you ever want to talk one-on-one, I'm here.
S.G. answers from Rapid City on October 01, 2009
I know this has shaken your trust in him and I haven't an idea while he would hide it from you other then he likes sharing yours and after making his own he realized he has estabillished his games in yours and doesn't want you telling him to use his own. Add him as a friend and if he doesn't agree to that then I would be concerned. In that case I would change my password and see him sing a differet song. About the lying, let him know that there isn't any truth that is as bad as a lie, even a little white lie. If he is doing anything that he feels he has to lie about then it will be a double slap in the face when the truth comes out.. and it always does.
Good luck and hope that you get things worked out. Don't throw the baby out with the water on this, you will live to regret it.
M.S. answers from Omaha on October 01, 2009
I agree with JL. Set up a secret account. Find some random pic of a pretty woman and friend request him. Flirt with him. See what he says when he thinks you aren't looking. Heck I'll have one of my friends do it (I'm married). Men can be sneaky little rats. Don't believe a word he says about facebook. Don't bother asking him what's going on in there cause he's just going to continue to lie. Make him think you aren't concerned about it then do what you need to do. This is your husband not some random guy you are dating. You have a right to know if he is disrespecting you. So doing a little investigative work on your part isn't jealousy or stalker like in the least. If he won't be honest then you find out the truth for yourself without his help. Then make your decision based on that. Let me know if you need any help!