22 answers

Husband Not Honest About Things

My husband and I got into a huge fight over facebook. I have a facebook account and my husband knows the passwords too. He frequently will go on with me to play games. I asked him las week if he would like his own account and I would gladdly help him set it up. He said no he didn't want an account that he wouldn't ever use it. Last night I found out he has had a facebook account for several months. What bothers me the most is the fact that he lied about. What is he hiding? He refuses to talk about and just says it's no big deal. I have spent 11 years with him and doesn't want to throw it all away but without trust a marriage we have nothing. Where do I go from here? I'm 99.99 percent sure he is not cheating but why lie then? Any advise will be helpful Thanks

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I have to disagree with what a lot of these women are saying about creating a fake account and flirting with him. That's a disaster waiting to happen. Say he does start flirting back, do you really want to bust him with that? You'll only create so many more issues.

I think you need to have an open talk and I do like the suggestion of friend requesting him. If he doesn't approve it, simply ask him why not and go from there.

Good luck to you.

I have not had the same experience... but close enough. My husband had a seperate email that he hid from me, and was talking to his ex for the last 6 months... telling her how beautiful she etc.
I believe firmly that there should be NO secrets in a marrage. I sneak around on his computer when I feel that something is up... and almost every time I feel that way, I find something he is hiding from me. Well, this last time I had my car packed for a whole week while he tried to apologize. I decided to give it another try, because it has been 10 years, and he didn't cheat.
You need to confront him, and as far as I am concerned... you should give each other all passwords to all internet accounts. If he can not be open and honest with you about everything, then there are no grounds for a loving relationship.

I am sorry you are going through this. Men make life so difficult for us :(

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Hi S.! I think it's hilarious that everyone is demonizing facebook, as if husbands or wives never flirted or cheated before. The idea is ludicrous. Eliminating facebook won't make you able to trust your husband. HE has to elminiate LYING to you. That is the ROOT of the problem.
Lying means having something to hide. Lying is a big deal! He needs to know that you WANT to trust him and he has to protect that trust.
Don't throw your marriage away, but definitely set ground rules. Even now, it's not too late. You are so right that without trust a marriage is nothing.
Tell him exactly how you feel. Tell him how much you trust him and that this is taking that trust away.

Oh, and don't sneak around and pretend to be someone else, flirting with him on facebook. That is not trustworthy. You should "friend" him as yourself and it will be a good accountability for him.

Take care!

ETA*** I want to address something that another poster said. She suggested that you go back to being the person that he fell in love with.....and the facebook issue would be moot. NO! I take issue with the idea that women make men do things they shouldn't! Please don't shoulder the blame for this!

3 moms found this helpful

All I can say is Facebook is from the devil! I had an account and got rid of it. I was shocked two weeks into my using it how many ex-boyfriends and guys who were interested in dating in the past, but got no where came sniffing around looking for a "hook-up" under the guise of
"just being friends".

Let's put it this way, my DH was starting to get really annoyed. I got rid of my separate account, and we now share one. I was sickened by the fact that many of them had wives who knew nothing about their accounts.

The other thing I learned is all of the "sniffers" had only female friends and a few male friends, but never their wives. All of the "faithful" guys had their wives included on their accounts as a friend...and regular interaction with them on the "wall" etc.

The really sleazy "sniffers" even went as far as to create an account using a different name/handle.

I'd ask your husband if you can join his friend list. If he flat out says no, you've got something to worry about. If that happens, I'd even consider doing a little investigative work of your own and create an account with a different name and then ask him to join to see what he does. Say you've seen him at work and want to get to know him...or something.

I've concluded if you're married and have a career, you have no business putting anything but family pics and updates and messages out to the family on Facebook. Anything else is a recipe for trouble. Good Luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Make sure you and he are facebook friends, and you can go to his home page and read the postings. I don't think that you can see the chats, though.

If he wasn't up to no good, he would have added you as his FIRST friend when he first created the account. And he certainly wouldn't have lied about it. He is fishing for something... has gone to the point of cheating yet is the question? In a way I think this still counts as emotional cheating and it is certainly a great way to lose your trust. I know a lot of my friends use their Facebook basically as their new email accounts since there is no spam. I would send him a friend request, and see what happens with that. And I would tell him you're feeling insecure since he did not let you know about the account, and ask him if he would show you his Facebook messages [the email messages- not just the wall postings] just to clear your mind of worry...and see how he reacts. If he shows you right away and is willing to let you look for yourself, great. If he refuses to go on the computer, or goes onto his account but is avoiding certain folders/links/friend lists... there is obviously something more going on.

I would have to agree, he is hiding something! Since he has your password, you should be able to at least "friend" him. My gut would say talking to other women?

I feel for you S.. I had something VERY similar happen to me recently. I am still unnerved about it. My husband ignored my request to connect for a long time. I poked around & saw a woman connected to him that I am 90% sure was the woman he cheated on his first wife with. Well, when I prodded him about not accepting me, he went over to his laptop, did a few things (I couldn't see what he was typing) & then he connected with me. I mentioned this woman & he played totally stupid. I walked over to his laptop to point her out & magically, she was gone. He still plays dumb about it to this day. I KNOW what I saw & even if it wasn't THAT woman, it was SOME woman, and he removed or erased her from his account for some reason just before he accepted my invitation. Now, tell me that isn't fishy.
I think Facebook is very dangerous for relationships. I would guess there are many, many people who have gone through something similar with their spouses. Harmless flirting or not, it destroys trust. I know it's done damage to the trust I have in MY husband.
GOod luck handling it. If you ever want to talk one-on-one, I'm here.

I know this has shaken your trust in him and I haven't an idea while he would hide it from you other then he likes sharing yours and after making his own he realized he has estabillished his games in yours and doesn't want you telling him to use his own. Add him as a friend and if he doesn't agree to that then I would be concerned. In that case I would change my password and see him sing a differet song. About the lying, let him know that there isn't any truth that is as bad as a lie, even a little white lie. If he is doing anything that he feels he has to lie about then it will be a double slap in the face when the truth comes out.. and it always does.

Good luck and hope that you get things worked out. Don't throw the baby out with the water on this, you will live to regret it.

I agree with JL. Set up a secret account. Find some random pic of a pretty woman and friend request him. Flirt with him. See what he says when he thinks you aren't looking. Heck I'll have one of my friends do it (I'm married). Men can be sneaky little rats. Don't believe a word he says about facebook. Don't bother asking him what's going on in there cause he's just going to continue to lie. Make him think you aren't concerned about it then do what you need to do. This is your husband not some random guy you are dating. You have a right to know if he is disrespecting you. So doing a little investigative work on your part isn't jealousy or stalker like in the least. If he won't be honest then you find out the truth for yourself without his help. Then make your decision based on that. Let me know if you need any help!

just be clear and honest about how YOU feel. sometimes its a misunderstanding about what each person is trying to say. tell him you really need to know why he kept it from you. you dont care that he has an account, and you trust him, but why did he hide it from you. dont get mad, above all. men are sometimes fragile that way. just tell him you need to understand why you were in the dark about his account.

its NOT anywhere NEAR an issue where you would throw away your marriage! dont even TALK like that.

I want to respond, but don't want to paint a really bad picture. Your husband's account could be very innocent - definitely talk about WHY he didn't tell you. Don't take "it's no big deal" for an answer.

I hesitate sharing this story because I obviously have NO idea what your situation is and I don't want you to think the worst, but I feel pretty strongly about being careful with Facebook. It is so easy to connect with people from the past and in reminiscing it is easy to romanticize the old days. This happened to a good friend of mine. About a year ago I remember her telling me that she was connecting with people from high school and college and she said something like, "I think I forgot how much fun I had back then. I have been so content with my life now, but I really miss those days." I didn't think anything of it at the time, but I now see that it was the beginning of her problems. This was sewing the seeds of discontent with her life and her marriage. Her FB life was innocent at the time, but she soon spent more and more time online, and connected with more people. Eventually she had an "emotional affair" with a guy she knew in high school and then became convinced that she married the wrong guy. She was too far gone to really work on her marriage by that point. They just signed divorce papers - just a year ago this wasn't even on the radar!

I just share that because your husband's FB account probably is very innocent at this point. I think people need some privacy and autonomy - even in marriage. But FB isn't a great place for that. Don't let this small thing turn into something bigger. There is a reason for the secrecy and you should find out what it is.

I have my own fb account that my husband shares with me because of the simple fact that I'm a jealous person and we just share the account and his friends are on my account...and the other simple fact, he doesn't want his own account. So I guess if I found out that he had a fb account I would be a little livid...It absolutely seems like he has something to hide. I would tell him that if he has nothing to hide, then you sit next to him, have him sign on to his account, and tell him to show you his posts and his inbox messages. If he's okay with that, and you're okay with the messages in his inbox, then it's okay. My husband often shows me his school inbox just to prove he's not doing anything. (Like I said, I'm a super jealous person, I acknowledge that, and AM WORKING ON IT!!) If you're still not comfortable with it, or the fact that he lied, I think you both should close your accounts. I work at a law office and have seen Many, Many "rekindled" loves over fb...it's quite sad actually...so don't be naive and good luck!!

I understand about the trust issue, but please don't think about ending your marriage over this. I agree that it is fishy, but you need to extend to your husband the benefit of the doubt. Without any other proof/incidences of trust issues, there is no reason to get so upset to the point of thinking of "throwing it all away" based on this one trust issue.

Talk to your husband without being accusatory and see fi you two can get this worked out.

I have read the responses and have to say my head is reeling from the entire facebook subject--apparently it is actually from the devil. I don't know, I'm still trying to figure it out. So I can't help you from that angle.

I would definitely agree that, while this truly is disconcerting, you should not try to do something that could make it all much worse just for the benefit of "knowing the truth". I think we would all be shocked if we learned how much of the "truth" we know isn't actually or technically the truth.

Husbands, (all people, for that matter) have a lot of reasons for needing to hide things sometimes. I have only recently begun to understand just how afraid of me my husband is. We have been married for 20 awesome years and have an amazing relationship. But he has fears. I'm really not scary--he would even tell you that. But that doesn't mean he can't be afraid. It sounds like this is the only "hidden" thing going on between you, so I wouldn't consider the trust in your marriage to be "out the door". But if you sneak around on him to try to learn his secrets, it will certainly make the whole trust thing go down-hill.
Instead, I would go back to the things that you did in the beginning to make him hopelessly in love with you. Likely, you absolutely adored him. He was the strongest, smartest, sweetest, funniest,.... man you had ever met. Whatever you did that leaked out that this was what you believed was what made him want you and only you. If he believes that still, he will find it hard to be interested in anyone or anything (more likely in this case) else. Then the facebook thing may be moot.

I have to disagree with what a lot of these women are saying about creating a fake account and flirting with him. That's a disaster waiting to happen. Say he does start flirting back, do you really want to bust him with that? You'll only create so many more issues.

I think you need to have an open talk and I do like the suggestion of friend requesting him. If he doesn't approve it, simply ask him why not and go from there.

Good luck to you.

He may not be cheated physically but he could be very flirtation and cheating mentally. Some people do not consider that cheating. I would check because lying is a big deal. Why did he lie is the question?

I have not had the same experience... but close enough. My husband had a seperate email that he hid from me, and was talking to his ex for the last 6 months... telling her how beautiful she etc.
I believe firmly that there should be NO secrets in a marrage. I sneak around on his computer when I feel that something is up... and almost every time I feel that way, I find something he is hiding from me. Well, this last time I had my car packed for a whole week while he tried to apologize. I decided to give it another try, because it has been 10 years, and he didn't cheat.
You need to confront him, and as far as I am concerned... you should give each other all passwords to all internet accounts. If he can not be open and honest with you about everything, then there are no grounds for a loving relationship.

I am sorry you are going through this. Men make life so difficult for us :(

I say get your own facebook and make a friend request for him. See what happens and then if he accepts you as a friend write on his wall for everyone to see something like "love you my dearest husband"

I agree facebook,myspace they can all by very dangerous with relationships I too have had ex boyfriends come looking for me, have found tons of people from highschool which can be a good or bad thing ya know.

I agree that the lying is worrisome, and his refusal to talk about it even worse. Without the ability to talk it through, you are left speculating. Your speculations may be worse than the reality. I have known men to get really defensive when caught in even a small lie. I would not set up a "fake" account as some posters have recommended. This would make you a liar, too. I would insist that he "friend" you and that his status shows that you are married. If he is not willing to do this, or to talk about it, this may be something that needs a third party involved, even a counselor.

This may come off as being heartless, but I'm sorry, if he doesn't have anything to hide, he wouldn't lie. I can see if he thinks that you would want HIS password if he were on facebook then he might be hesitant to tell you, but he should just be honest and tell you he wants privacy in his account and you can have privacy in yours as well. You could always change your passwords so you can each have your own account. Just because 2 people are married doesn't mean they don't need privacy and things that are just for them. I don't believe that in marriage "two become one." So unless you are the type of wife that has to know everything that he is doing and everyone that he is talking to (i.e. he is trying to keep something for himself, some time and space that is all his), then he needs to own up to WHY he lied, or you need counseling... right now. It might sound extreme to you, but I don't think that 11 years of marriage is worth "seeing what will happen." He lied. There is a reason. He needs to own up. If he doesn't then you need to fix what has broken and I'd think that would be tough to do on your own. Even if he does tell you why, you may still need counseling, but certainly him being honest with you NOW after you caught him is better than nothing. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Take care.

I'd have to disagree with the idea of trying to trap your husband with a fake account. That's setting yourself up for failure and do you really want to work on this issue that way? I'm a big facebook user and I'm open with my husband what I post and he's welcome to play games or chat from my account whenever. I'd recommend sending a friends request and then post respectfully sweet comments on his wall. Trust has to be a 2 way street. You can also post family photos on your account and tag him in the photos so they appear on his page. Have conversations about why it's important and how fun it can be to use this to communicate. I know lots of couples who have fun sending each other flair, and using the applications. I hope things go well for you.

Oh yes the facebook dilemna. I myself do not have one but my husband does. He didn't tell me he had an account and found out by accident when I was in Europe and used his email account to communicate via email (my work email acct wouldn't work). We have had several arguments about facebook. I personally feel it is a slippery slope and if trust is not there-neither one of you should use it. I have asked for advice on this topic on this site and received both sides-one is that I should share an account..another is that I should just trust him. I would say that he does seem to have something to hide. It could be small,it could be big..realize you can chat with people and you never see it on the page..I had to dig and was not happy with what I found. We ended up going to counseling and decided he would keep the account but would never do anything that he wouldn't say in front of me. Keep your eyes open on this one. Does he have a pattern of lying/hiding things? If so, you do have a problem here.

ya something is going on that isn't right because he had been hiding it. a relationship is based on trust and now he has broken it by not telling you about it u 2 need to talk about it and then its all up to you. good luck. if it was me I definitely would not blow it off like it is nothing because it is something

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