"An Emotional Struggle"

Hey Sweetie,

Please try your best to hang in there. I went through a similiar situation and ended up divorced and raising my son myself. Of course at the time I thought he would be better off seeing his parents happy when not married rather than so much anger in the house together. Wrong! It took me years to realize that the best thing I could have done for my son was to be the best wife for his father. Read that again and let it settle in on your mind. Your son needs both of you. That will never change. My son has grown up to have resentment for his father for not being there for him. He has been so sad that he does not know how to do "guy" things.
Please try to think what made you fall in love with your husband. Get away for a weekend and rekindle your romance. Go to dinner and discuss the issues that are pulling you apart.(that way there will be no loud arguing) Marriage is both giving 100%.
The best advice is to find a church that you both feel comfortable with. there are others that have gone through like situations. They can offer support and some guidance.
You are in my prayers.

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You should never sacrifice your happiness for your children. If you are not happy you will never be able to make anybody happy, that includes your son. All the anger, frustration, etc inside of you will be reflected on your outside, and you will turn into a "monster". Most of the time this anger goes towards the children. Now, why children? bc if you stay your husband will want you and the posibility of having more children is there.
Your husband will have to have time alone with his child if you separate, and you will have to let it go, it is more difficult now bc he is still a baby but you will change your perspective with time. Anyway, children need to be with the mom, I think by law when you divorce, so it probably be, every other weekend and some holidays only and then you negotiate vacations. That's it. If you do not find a solution the problem will haunt you and will always be in front of you not behind and over.

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M.,
I see that you've had lots of responses. And they all vary. But I just wanted to tell you that I went through rough times in my marriage too. (I'd venture to say that there are few out there that haven't.) There were countless times that I wanted to leave, just run away to my Mom's and never look back. We had financial trouble (mostly because of his decisions) and I had never been through that kind of stress before. I had eloped with him beacause of a lack of money, and he promised we would have a real one later. It never happened and I resented him for never having a "real" wedding. I hated him sometimes because I swore that the man I was living with was not the man that I married. And there were truly times that I thought that my worst fear was coming true: I had married the wrong man.
And then there came a baby!!! She was a surprise and definitely not planned. That added so much stress and strain to the already shakey relationship.
Well, here is the best part. Your greatest struggle can be your greatest victory; if you don't quit.
We both decided that we would honor our vows no matter what. There was no more back door, we were going to face our problems, deal with every one of them. Leaving was no longer an option for either of us. The funny thing is, that when you have no choice but to fix it, you do. We read countless marriage books, talked about them. We talked couples with successful marriages and heeded their advice. (I'm not against seeing a counselor, but I would suggest finding one with a good marriage. If you want to be divorced take advice from people that are.) We forced ourselves to confront the problems in our life. It was no bed of roses. There were times I just wanted to scream at him, hit him, hurt him like I was hurt. It was absolute WORK. Everyday. But there was a happy ending and it was worth every second. I'm now so excited to be married to that man. My husband and I have been married almost 7 years and our daughter is 3 years old now. I realize now that I didn't marry the wrong man. I love and respect him with all my heart, and I trust him implicitly. I know without a doubt that he loves me, he adores me, and he is the greatest Dad. It's never perfect, but it's close.
I don't tell you all this to say nah, nah, nah, nah, boo, boo. I'm saying this because I know that whatever is wrong today can be right, and not just that. It can be better than you've ever dreamed. I'm not saying either that you can't be happy if you leave. But every situation that you go through is what you make of it, and wherever you go, there you are. So, I urge you to give your marriage a chance. Not for your son (even though he will benefit) but for you. You can have the marriage of your dreams, but you have to give it a chance.
If you need someone to talk to, I'd be glad to.

K.
____@____.com

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Hi M. -

I agree with what everyone is saying about marriage counseling, and trying to work things out, etc
(Certainly, if those are your husband's words, that it is not fair to take his son away, then he needs some help understanding how to communicate his feelings in a more helpful way.)
but --
I would say that it is not enough to go to couple's counseling, and maybe not even the first step. You might want to go to individual counseling first, to clarify what it is that is making you want to leave.
None of us can really tell from just one paragraph what is going on with you, so I bet that most of us are projecting our situations onto yours. It is true that having a baby can add tension to a relationship, and take time away from our spouses, making us feel like we are no longer in love. In which case marriage counseling can help.
But it is also true that some women, when they are being abused, are in denial about it, and interpret it as their fault, as them not trying hard enough, or just not being in love any more. In which case "trying to work it out" might not be the best course of action. But you need some expert help at figuring out what is going on in your life and in your marriage.

I'm so sorry that you are depressed. That is such a lonely way to feel. Having someone that you could talk to for an hour a week, who was just there for you, to help you figure things out, would likely be such an oasis for you. Having that space would help you to figure out what it is that you are feeling, and what you need to feel more whole. Which is why I think that individual counseling first might be better. And I am thinking that that would give you the strength you need for couples counseling or leaving or whatever course of action. But certainly one of the symptoms of depression is that it is hard to think clearly, so until you have had some help, it is not the right time to make any drastic decisions

UNLESS you are in danger. If you think that you are in danger, then don't wait around. But otherwise, take some time to get some healing.

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Wow, you are truly in a tough spot. You have been married such a short time.... are you sure you want to separate? The reason I ask is because I went throught some similar feelings with my first child (also a boy), and finally realized that I just felt so totally complete with my baby that I felt I didn't need ANYONE else! We, my son and I, made a complete package, and no one else mattered, so others suffered. Fast forward to the present..... We have two more children, all are grown, and we are currently waiting for the birth of our sixth, and probably last, grandchild. I am so glad I didn't jump the gun, because my hubby and I just celebrated our 39th anniversary, and I love him more than ever.

Maybe you should seek some counseling to get to the bottom of the problem. Remember, love is not just a noun, it's a verb- and a loving command from scripture. You may be very surprised to find out that something else is creating this feeling, and that staying married will bring you more happiness than you can imagine.

Best wishes and blessings.

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Hi M.,

I know this is an obvious question, but have you tried counseling? It might be worth it to try to fix the problems between the adults. It sounds like your husband wants to try to make it work. If he's overbearing, counseling might help. If he's abusive, go ahead and leave.

If you must separate, a month is too long, especially at your son's age. You could probably do a week on a week off, but if he's traveling that much, that won't work well either. You could try to work things out to accommodate your schedules.

You say that your husband won't be the one raising your son during his month. Honestly, you won't be raising him either. You will be working full time, possibly long hours (depending on your situation), and your child care provider will be raising your son. You don't say if you are working now or not, but with shared physical custody, you won't get a lot in the way of child support.

I know it's a hard decision and you don't say why you need to leave, but I hope you can get something worked out....for everyone's sake.

Good luck!!

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Dear M., It could be just my opinion but I beleive that every (or at least almost every) mother/wife has gone thru what you're feeling. I truly beleive though that the true test is whether you will push thru it or not. It will not be different with any other person. You have to make a choice. That's what love is. It's totally a choice. I hope you choose to push thru it. You will not regret it and you'll be so much happier that you didn't give into the temptation to quit. A good book is Love and Respect. Also, another one that's pretty tough but excellent is by Dr. Laura The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. God bless you in your journey.

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I think being married we all wonder what it would be like to live life with someone else. "I'm tired of you not picking up your clothes, I wish you would romance me more, ect." But one thing my sister told me years ago that stuck, is if your with anyone you are making a choice of which bad things you are willing to deal with because we all have the bad so don't fool yourself into thinking it will go away. They all fart, leave a terd in the toliet, and grab you went your not in the mood. My friend is divorced and they do pretty good with communication and so forth but when her child is away she gets really sad. She told me she only gets half of her childs life. I never thought of it that way because I see my child every moment and would love a break now and again. Another thing, the dating scene is not what she thought it would be. There are a lot of pigs out there. I would look back at pictures of you and your husband when things were good and see how you feel. You fell in love with him for a reason. Also, ask yourself if you expect him to be your happiness because he is not suppose to be. He is an addition to you not just you alone. If that is the case you won't be happy. Give yourself more girl time, let him watch the baby while you go out. You might fall in love with the great dad he is. --Love is a mind game. You can't say "I hate you" every time he doesn't respond the way you want and still be in love with that person. I hope this helps.

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M.:
I'm a marriage and family therapist. I'm writing a book about
situations like yours, because it is becoming increasingly more common for couples with small children to split because they think they no longer "in love." The truth is, everyone falls out of love at some point in their marriage, and there are times when you can downright dislike the person you married. If your husband is a good man and you fell in love with him one time, there is a good chance you could fall in love with him again. I suspect the problem is that he is gone a lot and you are alone too much. I think you both would benefit from marriage counseling and I hope you make that effort, for the sake of your child. In the meantime, check out my web site at www.deborahdunn.com.
God bless.

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Hi M.,
My heart goes out to you and what you are going through. You are not doing your son any favors by staying with a man you are not happy with. Even at 18 months old he feels the tension in your home and especially when you and your husband are together. it is also unreasonable for your husband to even suggest that you go an entire month without your child. It sounds to me like he is trying to use emotional blackmail to get you to stay. A 2.5 hour drive for him to see his son is nothing. I moved nearly 900 miles from my ex husband and we figured it out. If he is willing to work with you, you two can figure it out also, Although it does not sound as if he is willing to work with you. Move. Tell him that you will not agree to such an unreasonable visitation schedule. I doubt there is a judge in the country that would support an 18 month old child to be away from his mother for an entire month, especially when his father is not going to be ther to take care of him.
Stay strong, Sweetie. And if you need to talk, I am here.
Good luck
J.

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Dear heart, before you do anything, you need to seek professional counseling. Joint counseling with your husband would be the best, but if he won't go, you need to go anyway. Seek out your pastor or another professional counselor; this isn't the time to depend only on what family and friends have to say. You are considering ending a marriage, but since there is a very young child involved, this isn't just a matter of doing what you feel like doing. Maintaining a marriage and a family is so much more than just "being in love," so make very, very sure that you're doing the right thing. And only a professional counselor can help you do that. And one other thing - prayer is your very best resource in every situation. Best wishes, and I'll be praying for you.

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Why would you have to relocate? Why do you want to go? Why are you miserable? Being a mom to a toddler is hard and very isolating. I think a lot of first-time moms suffer needlessly through depression, which can totally screw up everything else. I'd go see a counselor or therapist, by yourself, first. Then add your hubby as you want. Work on figuring out WHY you are so unhappy. It's pretty much impossible to be in love with someone if you are unhappy. Maybe you need more of a social life, or a job outside the home with adult contact, or some mental stimulation, like going to school (even just a class or two).

But if none of that works out, a month is too long. My oldest son's dad travelled a lot and had an unpredictable schedule (navy), so he just picked him up when he had leave. We had a very flexible arrangement, but then again, we got along really well. I would shoot for something more like that, where he had parenting time when he was home.

Good luck to you!

M.,

i'm not trying to be rude but you say you can't go an entire month without seeing your son so how do you think your husband feels its his son too trust me i know about this im not separated but my husband works out of town for weeks at a time without coming home and i have a 2 yr old ans a newborn who is 1 week old so just think about it like that

I agree with everyone else about going to counseling. Leaving your husband should be done only under extreme circumstances. You just have no idea how difficult life will be for you and your son - very long term (the rest of your son's life for sure) - if you divorce your husband. Just talk to other single moms who have done it or children of divorced parents. Working on your marriage would be far easier and so much more rewarding. And it sounds like your husband would be willing to work on the marriage. Please don't give up on it. The "in-love" feeling always goes away - it's just a short term "high". You and your husband need to build real love, which CAN be done. Please get some rest, pamper yourself, and get lots of help and support. You can do this! God bless you and I will pray for you.

Being in love is not a requirement. Your child having access to both of his parents is. I've been married 11 years and the "being in love" comes and goes. We are very different and have different hobbies, but we share the common bond of committment to the children we created, as well as trying our hardest to have a decent marriage. I would never encourage you to stay in an abusive relationship, so don't put yourself or your son in danger. However, if it is just your unhappiness - well, honestly your son did not ask you to marry his father or create him. We get so wrapped up in being happy that we forget we can destroy the very life we created.
I do hope you find a way to bring some joy to your marriage, and find a little peace of mind. (This all comes from a mother that was on the verge of running from my marriage just a few years ago - I pray you have peace.)

Honey, If you stay and be miserable, you will only make your son miserable. If you are not in love and have tried to make it work, try to explain to your husband that it is better to be seperated for your son's sake then to have him in an enviornment where he sees or hears alot of arguing or sees mommy depressed. Let him know that even though you and your son are not living with him , he can see him any time he wants. You will meet him half way in making the effort to keep there relationship close. Your son is better off living with a parent who isn't gone all the time. He can see him when he can. I hope this helps.

My advice, leave. and don't let him make you feel guilty for leaving. It's no one's fault the marriage didn't work out, and staying is only going to make you feel miserable. you don't have to do the month-to-month visitation. My sister and her ex have joint custody, she gets 4 days, he gets 3 days, then she gets 3 days and he gets 4. That way, she can schedule a babysitter for just the days she has her son. Ask your husband if this will work for him and make arrangements for pick-ups and back up plans incase he's out of town during his days. But do not stay if you are unhappy, because this can have a serious impact on your child, more than you would think.

Your son is much too young to be separated from a primary caregiver for a month. The first two or three years of life in particular are needed to establish trust that these major figures are trustworthy and constant, providing a safe haven. No young child should grieve for a month at a time. Even much older children are torn apart emotionally and behaviorally with well-meaning judges' decisions of "one week on, one week off". Many early childhood professionals now seem to promote placement with one primary caregiver, and weekend visitations or many day visits with the other parent, until they are several years old.

This is so common, M.. I can't count the marriages I've seen go thru this. For some reason the breaking point comes when a couples first child is nearing the 2 year old mark. I left my husband when our first child was 2. That was
17 years ago. I stayed gone for 9 months. We ended up divored 14 years later. Our finances were ruined, my son wasn't the same, my relationship with our friends and parents changed as well. My point is, REALLY THINK THIS THROUGH!. My mother tried to tell me (from experience) that when you leave your spouse, you just trade one set of problems for another. 5 years after my divorce, I can see her wisdom. I will pray that your decision is what is in everyones best interest.
Blessings to you
T.

hey have u tried marriage canceling?
also u should try just dating again while u r still married sometime after having a baby some people puts all there time into the baby and forget about each other so just try going back and remember the reasons u feel in love the first time and take time for each other take a vacation if u need to just the two of u
my husband is gone all the time to so i understand that part and we almost split up as well

I dont know if you are a christian or not, but if you are, you need to get on your knees and pray about this. You made a commitment when you said your wedding vows and you also made a commitment to your marriag when you had a baby. You may be miserable but i agree with your husband, it isnt fair to him or your son to take him away from him. Besides, the courts probably wont allow you to anyways unless you can prove to have a very good job. My answer is to pray and have faith that God will guide your decision. I will also say a prayer for you. God Bless!

M.,
I went through similar issues when my sons were small. Individual counseling realy helped me. Eventually I got my husband to go to!

Although as you know there are no "quick fixes" to marriage, might I suggest you visit a website -- www.familylife.com--they have a lot of great marriage resources.

They also have a great weekend conference called Weekend to Remember. My husband and I have been and it was a real blessing for our marriage. I think a lot of marriages have been healed through this conference.

I obviously don't know how long you've been married or what your particular struggles are, but marriage goes through seasons or stages, and it's worth working through some tough times, to share the joy of a marriage and family that can stand the test of time.

May I encourage you to hang in there adn give your marriage a second chance.

Counseling, therapy should be your first choice. I know it can be costly but your's and your family's happiness is the priority here. Talk through some of the things that are keeping you from being happy, then invite your husband to join you. You deserve to be happy. Leaving is going to create more problems than it fixes and chances are you'll be unhappy as a single-mother too. Try talking to someone. If you decide to leave after that, atleast you'll know in your heart that you made every effort.

Best Wishes,
A. W.

M.,

The first thing I would do is get a lawyer and find out what your options actually are. For a child to be raised in a family with a mother and a father is great, but you can not be the best mother you can be for you child if you are emotionally distraught and possibly despressed.

M.,
We have all been there... I would say to you that marriage is not a feeling it's a decision. So many of us, far too many of us go into marriage thinking it will all all roses and fairy tells - when it fact it's a lot of thorns and nightmares, not all the time mind you, but it's HARD WORK.

Now that you have a son, divorce can not be an option for you... you can't do that to your son. He needs his father. He needs his parents to be together.

Have you tried counseling? You also may need to visit your OGBYN, your hormones may still be out of balance since your child was born.

I would say STAY STAY STAY, if you love your child as I know you do, you must fight like hell to save your marriage. I would sugguest a book: The Five Love Languages of Marriage. It saved my marriage!!! My husband and I are two totally opposite types of people and this book made me realize one way of needing "love" was not wrong, only different. Once I began to "speak" my husbands love language, all of a sudden the things I needed and wanted to be done started happening, just on their own - it was quite amazing.

PLEASE do not give on your marriage - that is the easy thing to do... you can make it work, you just have to decide to. Commit to the commitment of your union. Refuse to become a stastic, refuse to allow your child to come from a divorced home.

I hope this is helpful... I know how you feel, I have felt the same way at times, but I am 6 years into my marriage and I have a 3 and half year old son... there is no way I will ever divorce or leave my husband - I won't do that to my son's future.

Please... do the work your marriage needs you to do and it is WORK, HARD WORK, don't kid yourself, there is no fairy tale, there is just everyday decisions to stick it out. You WILL find peace and joy again in your marriage... as long as you get real about what marriage REALLY is.

I will be praying for you!!!
A.

You both need to go to counseling TOGETHER and separately to see if your marriage can be saved. The alternatives sound traumatic for everyone, including your son.

Good luck!
P.

Hi M.,
I am sorry to hear that you having a hard time. I hope this doesn't come off wrong (because I don't mean any offense) but the simple fact is that it isn't about you anymore. When you had a baby, it became about the baby. You son has a right to be close to his father and have a relationship with him. A 2.5 hour distance doesn't seem like much to you, but I can understand how your husband feels about you taking his son away. The one that will feel the real loss and strain from that distance inevitably will be your son.
I would suggest that you find a compromise- find a way to stay closer to the father and not move so far away if at all possible. You don't have to be miserable, and you don't have to stay with his father, but you should put your son's needs first. Unless you can compromise, a judge will do that for you (and you may not like the results). You should feel blessed and respect the fact that your husband wants to be a part of your son's life. A lot of children do not have that luxury.

I feel you! I am going through this myself. I love my husband so much but I just don't like him and his choices right now and I don't know if I can live with him.

M. - Why would you have to relocate 2 1/2 hours away if you leave your husband? I would suggest you try to stay closer if possible if you are truly that miserable. There is no way I could go a month (much less a whole week) without seeing my daughter so I understand how that would not work for you. Do you have any family support around here?

Hello,

I too say to go for counseling. We have been married 7.5 years and have 4 kids, one being a miscarriage. There are fruitful times of our marriage and barren ones. We were at a breaking point, but then we decided to go to counseling. (and not just one time, we went for months) WHAT A DIFFERENCE! People are so scared of counseling. Think of it this way. If you had a computer, you would make sure that you always had the latest upgrade because it is important for it to stay functional! Well my cousins put it this way. Marriage is one of the most important things. So they make sure they have all the upgrades. Their marriage is in good standings and they still go to a marriage enrichment class.

Do not give up with out trying. Why does a doctor do CPR even when there are no life signs? SO they can say that they did everything in their power to save that persons life. That way they will not have the "what ifs".

Also have you been able to get out of the house, do something for you? Try to find a POSITIVE support group. Maybe a mommy and me class. That way you can get out of the house and take a breather. Another thing, I know this is hard, and I am guilty of doing this myself, but when you are talking to someone, talk about your husband in a positive light, yes do talk about your problems with someone, but in confidence, not to the whole world. If he hears you talking positively about him, he could catch on and do the same back. Thinking/talking positively can truly make your day a better day.

Yes there are reasons to separate, but do not jump on them, before you have exhausted everything thing else.

H.~ military wife and mother of small children

What a difficult situation! I was pretty miserable with my husband early in our marriage, but we both determined we would do what it takes to work it out. I am SO glad we did.
Leaving because you just don't feel like you love him anymore, in my opinion, is a really bad idea. The emotional repercussions on your son, on you, and on your husband are huge.
I'll be frank with you. My husband was divorced before we met, and the mess his ex left him in really hurt both of us. I don't think I'm expressing this quite right. I wish I could.
A lot of other people have encouraged you to go to counselling. I think that would be a great idea. The three of you are a family. Please, please do whatever you can to make it a strong family. You *can* be happy. I know you aren't now, but leaving your husband won't make you happy.
I'm probably coming across as really preachy - sorry about that. If you want to talk more about it, please email me. I'd love to do whatever I can to help.

Have you considered you might have post-partem depression? After my first and second I did, I thought I wwa going to lose my mind and everyone else. Talk to your doctor about it, low seretonin levels in the brain can make it very hard to live a happy life. As far as your husband, we have to chose every day to love someone or not, its not something we fall in and out of, thats lust and infatuation, and its not easy with kids, especially babies, to keep your romance and love alive and well. My husband travels for his job, he has worked out of town all week long for most of our marriage (8 yrs) So I know that makes is harder too, but you have to make that choice every day,for yourself. I have considered several times about leaving - mostly when i've spent several restless nights alone, cleaned up baby messes, and not had a decent adult conversation for a while, but leaving doesn't
solve problems all the time, just changes them or creates new ones . Please consider treatment for depression - beleive
me it helps a lot!!! Good luck

R., 35yr old stay at home mom of three ages 2 ,4 &6

Don't stay just for your sons sake, you will regret it later in life. mY parents were married for 32 years and later my mother told us the last 20 of it was miserable. She just stayed for us kids. I am torn up inside for it now. I too am in a marriage that we are struggling to make it work. We have been married almost 12 years and have 2 boys almost 4 and 6 and both swear we wont stay because of them. Listen to your heart. Think about it this way, if your not happy what will it do for your son in the long run. If your husband wants to be any kind of father to his son then that should be who he should think about and not himself.

I think the first thing you should ask yourself is if there is any way you can save your marriage? Why did you get married in the first place? I personally don't believe you fall out of love. Once you love someone you love them forever. Now having said that, if you just can't live together anymore, then you should not stay together for your son. Children can feel the stress of their parents. Also, if your husbands job will not allow him to spend time with your son then you should come up with different visitation. Maybe you can stay closer than 2.5 hours away or maybe he can move closer to you. My ex and I lived 3 hours from each other and he had to deal with the every other weekend like all other fathers have to do. His job was demanding also.
Good-luck to you
S.

u deserve tobe happy i would follow my instincts and do what i feel is best

M.,

Girl, if you do not have some women in your life to help you through this, it is time to find some. The kind who are willing to tell you the trust, not just feed your depression. You need more than just a bunch of faceless people online giving you a paragraph here or there without knowing the full scope of your life and circumstance. We could do more harm than good. I am not going to tell you what you want to here. I know you are in a very hard place right now. Don't give up. It may seem hopeless, but if your husband doesn't want you to leave, then be willing to get some help before you make a life altering decision. I can't imagine sharing my children in a custody battle.

Here are a few places in your area to find help:
The Rivendell Center ###-###-#### http://www.therivendellcenter.org/index.cfm
Lighthouse Counseling Center ###-###-####
Agape Christian Counseling ###-###-####

Ask your husband to go with you. If he won't then go for yourself. It is worth a lot of consideration before you reach for the phone and get divorce papers. Both cost money. Where do you want to invest yours?

Take it from someone who has been married almost 19 years (in March) and has 4 children. Love, the way it is too often used, is based on feelings or what we want. We are very selfish. If things don't go our way we don't love each other any more. Kind of like a 3 year old that doesn't get the cookie he wants before dinner and tells mommy "I hate you". If we base love on emotions it's going to be a roller coaster. You know how our emotions, as women, can fluctuate just over the course of an hour! True love has to be based on commitment and a decision to show love to the other person, no matter how we may feel. Of couse we won't always succeed. We are humans and our anger or emotions will come through at times. But leaving you husband simply because you don't "feel" in love anymore is not a good reason to leave. I'd suggest the book by Laura Schlessinger's book "the proper care and feeding of husbans". I have been wanting to get it myself and just haven't had the extra money to get it. It sounds wonderful, and is common sense stuff I'm sure...knowing how her advise on her show is. Anyway, I hope I was able to help a little bit.

Perhaps you should see your doctor for a complete physical - you may be emotionaly drained or chemically "off balance". Another thing is that the "in love" feeling goes away - it becomes a more comfortable love. Although I am still in love with my husband to giddiness and newness has worn off and has been replaced with a much deeper love. Seek couseling for you marriage and family - in this day and time it is so easy to dispose of a marriage rather than work at it - remember marriage and motherhood are both full time jobs! Keep us posted on your thoughts and I will be praying for you to find happiness!

I completely agree with the ladies here with the advice to explore EVERY option before calling it quits. You owe that you your husband, son and yourself.

Secondly, I must point out the absurd comment you made about while you want to uproot and move to another state with your son, YOU can't go an entire month without seeing your baby should you share custody monthly. HOW do you think your SON would feel having to go through that? If you MUST split, consider staying close by until you guys can figure out how to make the separation work. And, for crying out loud, think of your SON first - not your own feelings. After all, once we become parents, I think it's our duty (although I don't feel that it is a duty OR burden) to make sure our children's needs are met - and that includes spending time with both parents.

I am going through the very same situation. It has been an emotional roller coaster. Instead of one child we have 3. Now when my oldest who is 6 states that "daddy you are lazy" that is a bad sign. He tries to make me feel bad for falling out of love with him everyday. what he doesn't realize is that he was the one that made me loose it. I am like you should I stay for the kids sake or would it be better for us if we just moved out. I am getting to the point of moving. He doesn't want to go so I see that I have to. I am releaved to hear that i am not the only one struggling with this.

Hopefully we can help each other through this trying time.

M.--If you are miserable, your son will be, too. It doesn't do him, you, or your husband any good to be living in a house where there is not love and only misery. Children KNOW what's going on, even if they can't express it. You can't hide it from them--they are very intuitive. Eventually, all of that sadness is going to affect his emotional development. If you are absoutely sure there is no hope for reconcillation with your husband, then its time to move on.

Before you do that, however, you might try counseling, or maybe he just moves out for awhile while you try working things out. I think it best not to make decisions when you are depressed and hopeless feeling. If you can get to a place where you can separate peacefully, then that will be best for all involved.

I have a 4 year old and I have had a very rocky relationship with my husband and my daughter reallly has picked up on that and it was affecting her emotionally. My husband and I are living apart, going to counseling, and falling back in love. It has saved our marriage, family, and our daughter's self esteem.

good luck. peace, cm

I don't know how to begin... except to say how can you be emotionally there for your child if you are not good to yourself emotionally... what a hard place to be, especially if your husband is making you feel guilty. I strongly suggest counseling - either for the marriage or for yourself - or even both. Maybe even contact a lawyer to find out how it all works. Make sure you have all the information you can possibly get so that you know what's right and wrong legally. I wish you well.

Marriage is not easy! But when you put forth the effort and decide to work on it, it can be awesome. I grew up in a home where my parents stayed together (and they are still together), but there is no love. Yes, that is miserable for everyone involved. My sisters and I have had to work through all the emotions that we have carried because of it. My oldest sister's marriage ended in divorce. My younger sister's husband moved out this past weekend. If they could go back and do it all over they would do things differently. I have the best marriage. I am truely blessed, but it has come with a lot of work. My husband and I agreed from the beginning that divorce was never going to be an option. We have had our rough times and I went through a time when I thought I did not love him anymore. But love is not a feeling, it is a choice. I choose to love my husband!! And I will never regret it. I do not think any one should stay in a marriage and just settle. That is miserable for everyone, trust me. But staying in the marriage and choosing to make it beautiful is awesome. Everyone will benefit. Yes, it can take a lot of work. You have to look inward and ask what you need to do differently, not just outward at your husband. You may need professional help, but do not be afraid to ask for help. There are a lot of great books too. You can not do this just for your son, you have to do it for you and your husband, but your son will be so much better off if you choose to stay and make it great. He will learn so much about relationships from you and your husband. I will be praying for you for sure.

Stay at home mom and home school mom of 6 children: 11, 8, 7, 4 1/2 twins, and 9mth old. Married to my incredible husband for 13 1/2 years.

M.,

I don't know your whole situation, but is your husband unhappy as well? It is so important for your child to be raised in a healthy and happy environment. If you are truly miserable, then I think you should leave your husband. The best situation would be to stay in the same area so you and your husband can split the time with your child easily. Good luck with your decision.

L.

I know so little about you and all that is involved which makes it hard to give good advice but I can certainly understand you being an emotional wreck knowing that you have a beautiful 18-month son involved.

The other response from Sandi about counseling is good advice as it is always good to get counseling from someone outside of the situation whether through your church if your an active church-goer or a professional therapist that deals with many couples going through stuff on a daily basis.

I would advise to find every way possible to work it out due to your young son involved but I don't know the whole situation. There are so many reasons why a couple can grow apart in a marriage. I suspect his having such a demanding job, frequent traveling and lack of support you may have with trying to raise your son has been a big contributing factor in all this.

I felt drawn to respond to this because you do NOT want to stay in an unhappy marriage for 10 or more years just because you have a child together because your son will sense your unhappiness and will cause him to have emotional problems as well. On the other hand divorce can cause him problems being raised by a single parent which is quite challenging and stressful just by itself so I have questions before giving any kind of feedback on this very difficult situation.

1. How long were you married before you became pregnant with your son?

2. Do you have any feelings left for your husband at all and do you feel that he loves you?

3. Do you think you might be suffering from any form of depression due to hormonal changes?

5. Do you feel lack of support from your husband with raising your son due to the demanding job he has and frequent travel?

If you have any feelings at all for your husband and you just feel like you have grown apart because of his job and feeling like he is not being supportive enough then counseling would help with that. They can make suggestions to him to free up his time more for his family and help you to cope with any feelings of frustration and resentment that you may be feeling for him. If that is not the case at all and he is abusive in any way (not just physical but emotional/verbal with controlling ways) then maybe ending things is the best choice for you.

I hope this doesn't confuse you and is helpful in some way in trying to make a decision in such a difficult situation. Lawyers are no fun to deal with and very few have free initial consultations anymore. They charge at least $200 and UP just to speak with you at first visit. After making decision to go through with divorce even under the best circumstances it can be a highly emotional and stressful time that the lawyers on each side encourage fighting every step of the way to keep you in court and their money flowing in from what I have witnessed from others.

Good luck in your decision during this very difficult time.

I am so sorry you are in this difficult situation. If I were in that situation I would exhaust every last resource before leaving for the sake of my baby... counseling, counseling, more counseling ---- I have read, and agree, that unless you and your husband are yelling or physically abusive, it is better in the long run for the child to be raised by parents that are together (even if unhappy). That is a real tough one, I wish you all the best. Try and remember what you loved about your husband, I know sometimes that is hard.