Irresponsible Step Daughter

I have written notes for my kids saying that they overslept (we all overslept). Then I let the school decide if it's an excused tardy or not. (It seems that it's always an unexcused tardy.) It cost my son not being able to redo a paper for a better grade. I felt bad that I didn't set the alarm.

But I don't ever use an excuse - not when it's not an excuse.

Is she college-bound? Find something that will speak to her to help her see that she won't get in college if she keeps it up. If she doesn't want to go to college, try to get her to see the difference in wages paid to those who don't graduate from high school versus those who do.

So sorry,
Dawn

Here in Texas, If she is 18 she is now an adult and does not need a note from you.

The school has 100's or 1000's of students and does not have time to verify every excuse. Have you ever volunteered in a front office of the high school? Yikes! LOTS of late kids every morning.

If she flunks out, ask her how is she going to handle that? Is she going to attend summer school? Or go back in the fall.

It is ridiculous she cannot get up and go to school she should have figured that out back in elementary school. She needs to figure out how to make it happen. No one should have to remind her.

You and her father need to also sit her down and explain, you are no longer going to save her. If she flunks out, SHE will have to either go back and get her diploma, get a GED or start working and paying rent. There will be rent, bills and expectations around the house.
You will not be allowing her to flunk out and be treated like a dependent.

Let the school counselor know this is what you all are going to do. They need to know you are aware.

These are natural consequences. No one can make an adult do anything they do not want to do, but you can let them fail and face their own choices. Just be clear about the expectations and that this is ALL her choice and responsibility.

She must be allowed to feel the consequences of her actions. No more notes to excuse her tardiness. It is the job of the parents (step-parents included) to get her to adulthood. When she is at her job and is late too many times there will be consequences. The same goes for school. If she is late too many times those latenesses will add up to absences and will equal her not completing the required number of days and possibly not graduating but that isn't your problem you have your degree she needs to get hers.

As for being on the net and staying up late, you can go either way with that you can either take the cord to the computer or take the computer or just let her suffer the consequences of her actions. Sink or swim it is her choice. She is now officially an adult and you are not longer required by law to provide for her food, shelter or clothing. She needs to understand this and be held accountable and responsible.

So yes I would out her secret to the school. She should be punished for being deceitful and late as well.

What is her plan for life after highschool? She will need to get a job and/or go to school. Loafing around your house shouldn't be an option. She must be required to buy her own clothes and pay for her own cell phone and pay you guys rent. Mandatory not optional. She can't live anywhere for free so you both need to better prepare her for life in the real world.

This situation is much bigger than what to do about a note for being late, it's about parenting a young adult. If I were 18 and my parent believed I was irresponsible, selfish, and immature, I'd probably act it. Let her grow up. Stop making excuses for her, including blaming her actions on her mother. She is responsible for her choices.

And yes, she knows she can sign herself in, and she knows she can skip school, and she knows she can dropout. It's her life. What does she want to make of it? That's the question I'd be asking her.

What is the household consequence for lying?

When my SS would run late because he was up late playing video games, DH took the cords to the consoles. SS could look at them, but not play. DH told him that he had to be on time for a week to earn them back. I would lock the internet connection at the router or take the power cable when you go to bed or something.

When SS also was late a lot other times during the year, his mother suggested that we call him a taxi. Um, right. It would take longer to get the taxi than drive him ourselves. What we did was he had to pay whoever drove him $10 for the inconvenience. SS soon figured out what he had to do to get out to the bus on time because $10 a couple of times a week or even month was more than he could afford and we did not then give him allowance loans or pay for movies, etc.

If you are concerned that the school is taking anybody's note, then I think DH should address that with the school.

For starters, I wouldn't have written a note to get the first tardy excused although as an 18-year-old, she may not even need one. Check with school policy and if there is a consequence for being tardy even at her age, make sure they "unexcuse" the second tardy (and I would have them reverse the first excuse as well) and let her deal with the consequences.

Does she live with you? If she does, then just solve the internet problem by removing her access to the internet and/or computer other than designated hours. It's YOUR internet and probably even your computer. If she can't moderate her own behavior, then you will treat her like a little kid and take away her toys until she can demonstrate responsible use (or graduates and/or moves out). If she uses the phone for internet, take that away too at a certain hour.

sounds like detention isn't much of a punichsment in her book.

good luck to you and to her.

I guess it would depend on what the note said and how it was signed. If the friend signed his name and the school accepted it, then I probably wouldn't say anything this time. If however, the friend or your daughter signed your name without your permission, then I'd be mad.

Well, this is just one of many lies, just happens to be the one you caught her in.

How does your family deal with lying? What are the consequences?

I vote you take the internet away. Add a password. Take her computer away at 11pm, etc. Come up with some boundary that she will feel.

She may have realized it but not told you that she can sign herself in and out of school. She may think she has something on you b/c let me tell you what the second your friends realize you are turning 18 they spill the beans.

I think it's time to sit down and have a talk with her, adult to adult. Don't be judgemental, but do lay the facts on the table. Tell her you know she's an adult, and with that comes the choices of an adult....but also with that comes the consequences. Ask her to come up with some reasonable consequences (again, try to leave emotion out of it, no matter what she does/says). I love the suggestion by one of the posters that yes, you will take her to school but it will be $10 (or $20; you could easily compare it to a cab ride, which is not going to be cheap!) per car ride if she misses the bus and needs to get a ride in via you. Talk to her about her choices to stay up late on the computer--tell her you're not looking for excuses, but print off some of the studies that show sleep deprivation literally makes you stupid (its fortunately usually temporary, but still!). Tell her that adult, to adult, you want to see her succeed--enjoy her last year of high school and continue to grow into a strong, successful person and move on into the world of full-time work or college. Set some official house rules, and ask her to help figure them out (you might think it's reasonable to turn the computer off at 10, but midnight might be her answer). Engage her in the process, including the decision on what happens when rules are broken.

And before you do this sit-down, read How To Talk So Kids Will Listen. It's a great, simple book with ideas that may actually really help.

I am sure she excused herself, she probably thinks YOU don't know she can do that. All the kids talk to each other about turning 18 and having that privilege, believe me, it's a big deal.
She is eighteen and legally an adult. Stop treating her like a child. If she oversleeps then she needs to figure out how to get to school. Don't bail her out, let her know she is accountable for her schooling and then follow through with it.
I hope she cares enough to take her education seriously. If she doesn't, well that is sad, but you aren't doing her any favors by not giving her a chance to grow up and start being responsible for herself.
And if she starts getting in trouble, grades go down, etc. you still have the ability to take away privileges, like access to the car, cell phone and computer.

I raised 3 teenagers and I still think aliens clone our wonderful children and leave us with these horrible clones! Good news is they come back around the age of 20 or so. What you say about your stepdaughter is pretty normal for a teenager. Especially one which is rebelling a little. This is how they show independence and I believe God gives them this attitude so we won't have empty nest quite as bad when they go to college the next year.

My daughter was always wonderful, responsible and caring.. until age of 16.. then she rebelled. She fought cerfews (10 on school nights, midnight on weekends). She fought everything and ended up being grounded most of her 17th year. She was late enough to classes that she almost didn't get her diploma because of it. When she told me she was going out of town with the band and I found out she wasn't with the band but with friends, I called the band teacher and had him bring her back with them on the bus even though it wasn't his responsiblity, he was kind enough to do so. She had to come with me to the day care where I worked before school, come spend her lunch hour with us since they had an open campus, and come after school until I was off work. This went on for a couple weeks and she learned really fast that it isn't the way she wanted to spend her days. You are lucky that your step daughter doesn't realize that she could legally move out at age 18, mine did and she moved out on her 18th birthday. She came home for a couple weeks but she straightened up when she was on her own with her own responsiblities.

Now for a funny story on the notes. I always found it easier to call the school when my kids were sick or going to be gone. So one day when I got a phone call from the principal asking if I wrote a note excusing my youngest son from school I said "No, I don't write notes, I call" He said he thought so and told me they got a note. I told him Jordan will be there soon and I called Jordans cell phone and said "You better be in that school in 5 minutes or I will come find you and sit in class with you all day!" He was at school in no time and I let him know that they know my voice and he isn't ever going to get away with having a friend write notes like that....lol Sometimes it is ok to let the punishment be embarrassement with being caught and natural consequiences. With your step daughter I would let her be responsible for getting herself up and ready for school. If she can't get ready on time to go with you, let her find her own way to school and if she has to do detention, so be it. Set her alarm clock across the room from her bed so she has to get up to turn it off. It might do her some good to worry about how to get to school or as my daughter learned that all those years working towards a goal being late can cost you the goal. She did get her diploma but it was really iffy.

It is hard raising teenagers. My second oldest child just started high school and there have been 3 fights already(it's not even a bad town) and she was at a friends home while they were messing around with the parents home and the door open. I received a call about that from the school. I hear kid sare walking out of the school left and right during school hours and I just talked to the cop at the school and he said its the principals job to monitor that and sometimes they find them and sometimes not. I have a feeling we are in for a lot more than we know. Can your husband talk to her mother or her about being on the computer so late? We set a time on our daughters Ipod so the internet shuts off at 9 so she gets some sleep. First the computer should be taken away since she is not being responsible getting up for school on time. I wouldn't get her introuble with the school but take away something at home then that she really loves. If tyou tell her you won't give her rides if she's late she will be happy and want to stay home so that won't work. Tell her you are going to walk her in next time she's late(but then she may not call you and just stay home). Her father needs to get involved and speak with the mother about her on the computer so late. Good luck.