L.W. asks from Bedford, TX on May 20, 2009
Senior Who's Given Up.
I know that not many of you have children this old...and a Senior in High School is technically no longer considered a child....he will forever be my baby though. Anyway, I've been ill the last 3 years and really so within the last 2 months. My son has also encountered some difficult life problems, nothing illegal (unless someone wants to pursue the issue)within this time frame. He has given up on school. He needs to make up quite a few hours to meet attendance requirements. He also has failing grades in four classes. I try to encourage him as much as possible...without nagging...or so I hope he doesn't see it that way. I have talked to his teachers and counselors (geez! He has a counselor for everything!) but one summed up the situation today..."at his age he should take responsibilty for his actions". I totally agree. What words can I use to convey this to him in a way he can understand?
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G.G. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
I agree with the others who have suggested some kind of alternative school, where kids accumulate credits at their own pace and graduate as soon as they finish. My nephew didn't get much out of his regular high school, but enjoyed the alternative setting very much and finished on time, even after starting out quite a ways behind.
It's also important to realize that the guidance counselor and teachers are right. This is HIS issue. Nothing you can say will make a difference. Just present the facts and the options. Then allow him to make his choices and experience the consequences. If you "make him" (ha!), he will blame or credit you with the result. If HE chooses, he will be more likely to care about the outcome and put some effort into it.
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M.R. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
I work for Winfree Academy Charter High Schools. It's a self paced program. He can enroll in the fall and graduate as soon as he can get his work done. The self paced environment may be the motivator he needs to feel accomplished. Let me know if you want more details.
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A.M. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
Is he trying but still failing? Can his problem be medical.. depression, dyslexia, ADHD, etc? Kids with disorders try really hard and when they still fail often give up. For them there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of their tunnel. My sister has kids that tried and tried and would act out in anger or become completely despondent because they were failing classes and getting in trouble in school. All 3 of her children ended up being diagnosed with ADHD and one with ADHD plus Autism. They are all on meds now and are doing better in school and feel better about themselves overall. Just a thought.
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M.R. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
I work for Winfree Academy Charter High Schools. It's a self paced program. He can enroll in the fall and graduate as soon as he can get his work done. The self paced environment may be the motivator he needs to feel accomplished. Let me know if you want more details.
1 mom found this helpful
E.C. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
It really sucks, but maybe it is time for you to step back and let him fail.
You have tried to help, talked with him (probably until you were blue in the face), given him opportunities, encouraged him, tried to help him out of problems that he created for himself...
It is time to let go. He will most likely fall on his face - just let him know what you expect of him, and that you will be there for him when he is ready for your help.
It is a horribly scary thing to do. Sometimes you just gotta do it though. Good luck. Guard your heart...
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T.C. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
I am a senior high teacher and have taught for 12 years. This year in particular I am seeing more students than I would like in your son's situation. They slack off for one reason or another, get behind and see not end to the cycle they have gotten themselves into. At this point they give up. What many of these students need is a reality check. At this point in the school year if he is failing 4 classes, he is not in a position to graduate. My suggestion is to enroll him in summer school and/or eSchool (if that is available) to earn his credits. He will not graduate with his peers, but a high school diploma is very important.
When you explain this to him make sure you don't apologize for his actions, make him take ownership. These are the choices HE made this is not something that happened to HIM. Students say, "Why did you fail me?" in reality "They chose to fail!" Make sure that you don't make excuses for his actions and come up with a plan to allow him to graduate and move on with his life. Many seniors who are in his position do not see their future beyond high school and therefore don't have any motivation to move forward. Make sure you allow him to see where he is going and come up with a plan. Boys like to see a solution, so make sure before you talk to him have a solution in mind. Above all, do not enable him, remember these are his choices. Be a caring and concerned mom, but don't let him off the hook.
Hope that helps!
T.
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C.P. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
Look into Winfree Academy, or even the KEYS program at HEB school district:
http://schoolctr.hebisd.edu/education/components/scrapboo...
The truth is, school is not for everyone (at least the public school model) but that does not mean he can't meet the requirements and receive a diploma. In my experience, school counselors just aren't great at addressing more than the average scheduling dilemmas and planning for college. The two of you need to go to a counselor together, either through your health plan or at church. He may be depressed, or just simply not one of the kids that school works for. Let him know you are on his side, and you believe he is able to finish school, but you are willing to explore other ways to get that goal met. Then, the two of you check out the alternatives. I am surprised the counselor didn't mention some alternatives, especially since the KEYS program is right there in HEB.
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G.G. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
I agree with the others who have suggested some kind of alternative school, where kids accumulate credits at their own pace and graduate as soon as they finish. My nephew didn't get much out of his regular high school, but enjoyed the alternative setting very much and finished on time, even after starting out quite a ways behind.
It's also important to realize that the guidance counselor and teachers are right. This is HIS issue. Nothing you can say will make a difference. Just present the facts and the options. Then allow him to make his choices and experience the consequences. If you "make him" (ha!), he will blame or credit you with the result. If HE chooses, he will be more likely to care about the outcome and put some effort into it.
1 mom found this helpful
A.K. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
The book that is TRANSFORMING my relationship with my teenager is
Who's in charge here? by Robert G. Barnes
I'm able to love love love him and connect and be pleasant while holding him TOTALLY accontable for all his actions and failures, and sets him up to succeed. And there is peace.
Good luck!
~A.
1 mom found this helpful
D.B. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
I have older children and can understand what a struggle it is to watch them make mistakes. I agree that he needs to be accountable for his own actions.
However, I think you need to have a SERIOUS talk with this young man. You are not going to be around to support him forever and he needs to be working toward a vocation. He can't even work in a daycare without a high school diploma or GED.
I would set up a schedule that requires certain things be completed by certain dates. If he doesn't keep the schedule, then he has to move out. You will only allow him to live at home and eat your food and all the other ways you support him IF he is making progress toward graduation.
BTW, I would encourage him to stay in school and graduate, even if it puts him a year behind. GED's are really not smiled upon in many ways.
Perhaps he could do some vocational training in high school, if he likes working on cars, or auto body, etc. If he should be college bound, check out Collin College---they have tests you can take to tell you what occupation would suit his interests.
You need to get tough---being understanding hasn't gotten through to him. He will thank you later.
Hope you are well soon.
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B.W. answers from Dallas on May 21, 2009
I had my son at 42 and he is now 17, my daughter at almost 44 and she will soon be 16 - that said, my son is a mess - truancy, failing school - all kids of legal issues - he is bright but not smart....I have tried it all and it doesn't work so now we will see what the courts do as I no longer protect him....on the other hand, my daughter is goal oriented, involved and successful - choir, drama, cheer...both have medical issues but hers are huge as well as LDs....I am single and disabled from MS....unless 18, your son is not an adult and I am not sure they really are until around 25....my suggestion is to let him suffer the logical consequences of his actions, whatever they may be and stay on top of it so he knows you care what happens to him (it is not nagging but parenting)....I really have no answers, just ideas - some work for some, some don't...
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