Can't Get 14-Year-old to School on Time

I personally don't think it has anything to do with ADD. I think it is a normal girl. I have a 15 yr old daughter and she takes SO long to get ready everyday.

We had a few arugments about being late and once she got a detention for being late and was humiliated by that.

She is MUCH better now... If she is running late, I do not drive faster, break rules to get her there on time...she knows it is her fault and if she pushes...she finds another form of transportation.

Also....if I say I'm leaving in 5 minutes....I leave in 5 minutes. She knows this because I follow through with it.

Again, I don't automatically assume every time a kid has an issue it is ADD or some other ailment. Girls routinely take a long time to get ready at this age. I know I did.

Good luck

I have a friend with 10 children and she would go through this with some of hers each morning. She would warn and pester them with 'we're leaving in 5 minutes' and 15 minutes later they were still there. So one morning she said I'm leaving in 5 minutes and SHE DID. They were shocked. They couldn't believe she left. They missed something they wanted to do at school and had make up work to do. The next time she told them I'm leaving in 5 minutes they were ready. There have still been times when she has to leave them, but she made it their responsibility to be on time, not hers. No nagging, no stress...

The testing may not be a bad idea, it may be something she can't really help. But I would also set her down one evening and let her know that her being on time is her responsibility from now on and that if she gets behind in school, that will be her fault as well.

Look for her to blame you the 1st time you leave without her, but she'll get eventually get it.

.

Hi Shellbell,
Why is her being on time your responsibility? You are her parent yes, but as her parent it is your job to teach her responsibility. It is not your job to take on her responsibilities. I have read all the responses and it may be true that she might have an attention challenge, but "labeled" or not, it is HER responsibility. Please be the mom and give her the responsibility of being on time. And know that some people are never on time, it is what they do. Let her figure this one out. Sure you want her to school on time but what does she want? If she is okay with being late then let her make that choice. She will be the one to deal with the school and her teachers, or not. Perhaps she really doesn't care. No amount of arguing and struggle on your part will make her care.

You drive her right? So leave when it's time. If you only drive her and that is the only reason to get in the car (you are not on your way to work), get in at the right time and give her the polite 2 mins. After that, go back into the house and that's it. She doesn't get a second chance. This MUST BE CONSISTENT no matter what is going on. This is a teachable moment for you and her. She needs to know you are there for her and upholding your responsibilities and she must understand that she must do the same.

Mom, be the mom. Teach her what she needs to know now. Everyday she will need to be reminded that you love her and that it is her responsibility to be on time. It will be one of the greatest gifts you will give her...her own power and responsibility to make her own choices and in turn accept all outcomes.

B.
Family Success Coach

Dear Shellbell,
I can't help but chuckle because I know exactly what you're talking about. Each one of my children has a strong will, and if there is something that I want them to do that they don't want to do, it doesn't matter what I try that seems to influence them the most. Here's what does make a difference over time: being positive, praying for her, practicing patience, and allowing natural consequences. It helps me to think about what motivates me: I hate it when someone is negative towards me or pushing me to do something that I don't want. I love it when my husband or children are complimentary and encouraging. I remember one parent who was trying to be positive about a teenager who decided to compliment the child on "breathing nicely" :). It is hard to stay positive when morning after morning the same behavior persists that you don't want, but really, what else can you but practice patience? Talking with your daughter, treating her with respect, being patient will help her learn how to handle a problem with someone that she loves who isn't acting the way she wants. In the end, we don't have control over our children. We can inspire them to be and do better, but results don't always come immediately. What we do want is the kind of relationship that lasts beyond the immature behavior. (I wish I never got sidetracked and were always on time! I hope that someday I'll outgrow that, too...). Take courage. You love her and can keep trying to help her. I wish you the best!
Happy Mothering,
L.

Hi Shell,
A Mom asked this same question 2 days ago for a much younger child. I'm going to copy and paste most my advice because I think it's the same except for a few things. #1 I think your daughter is probably being oppositional. Her hormones are flowing and she thinks she is old enough to be her own woman. As a result any parental guidance is viewed as interference and she wants to push back. But subconsciously she still wants that discipline. I'd suggest the following, which is basicly a love and logic approach. Start by letting go of all your anger. If she is late just take her to school. Be patient and sympathetic, but don't try to rescue her or reprimand her. Here is what I wrote to the other Mom......

Ach! I so get this. I have a few ideas but I will tell you this was a tough one for me too because I am pretty timely and regimented. I had to learn to let go and realize this was my sons thing. He needed "flake out" time in the morning. He couldn't function like me. I had to let go of things like.......combed hair! I let him go to school not looking perfect without the perfect breakfast.

Your boy is still young, so I would probably make lunch for him the night before to take one thing off of him. I didn't make lunch for my older son and soon realized he was too lazy to do a good job and ended up eating junk that the other kids didn't want. I was sorry I pushed that on him.

Your son probably doesn't worry about being on time because he knows you will remind him. This may not be a conscious thing, but it has become a pattern. So.....stop reminding him. Tell him you love him and you think it is time for him to get ready on time himself. Tell him you won't be reminding him anymore.

It sounds like he gets up okay, but gets distracted doing other things. So just go into the kitchen in the morning after you are dressed and have your cup of coffee or tea. When it looks like he will be late, don't worry about it. When he comes strolling in and already a half hour late just take him to school. Let the school handle the consequences. You may want to call them ahead (without your daughter knowing ) and tell them what you are doing. Ask them to provide a reasonable consequence like staying after school to make up the time (or perhaps saturday make-up school - my son went to private school and we were required to pay$50 for him to have saturday school after 5 tardy's.......we made him pay and he only went once).......if your son has to miss baseball practice so be it. If he was supposed to go home with a friend tell him you are so sorry and sad for him, but it wouldn't be convenient for you to drop him off that late. Take him home, etc.... (In your case the consequences will have to be appropriate for a 14 year old. Work that out with the school, but be sure it's not humiliating, just annoying so she won't want to do it again)
After a week or two he will probably do better about being on time. Make the mornings as stress free as possible. Stop worrying and let the school do the worrying. In the end you will be teaching your daughter to do the worrying for herself.

Tell her that if she can't get to school on time, that she has to go to bed 15 minutes earlier each night. It will increase by 15 minutes each time she is late for school. Say she normally goes to bed at 10pm. Next school night, she'll go to bed at 9:45pm, then 9:30pm then 9:15pm if she still continues to be late. She might get to the point where she's going to bed at 8pm. Do not give in! And when she starts to be on time, only give her back 15 minutes at a time - that's the motivation to continue to be on time! As soon as she backslides, give her another 15. She'll hate that she "worked hard" to get back to her normal bedtime and then she's docked another 15 minutes.

Don't argue with her because it's obvious she's not getting enough sleep because she can't get to school on time. :D

No computer in the a.m., take her cell phone away, make her go to bed earlier each night, start with 30 mins, then take away 30 more if it doesn't work. That worked the best with my 9 year old, made him go to bed an hour early. It only took one night. Not to say there aren't a few pokey mornings here and there, he's human, but after a week of yelling and other punishment, that's the one thing I picked that worked immediately. You have to find what is really going to get to them. Good Luck!

Do you drive her to school every day? Maybe leave without her if she's not in the car by a certain time...? Make her walk to school if she misses her ride, even if its a long walk. A nice 3 mile walk in the morning can really wake you up! She must get some sort of punishment at school for being late, I know at my school so many tardies were considered an absence, then you could get detention etc. Does none of this really bother her?

I'm not sure if she's the type to skip school, hopefully not, but making her walk to and from could be a wake up call. She's really disrespecting everyone by not getting in the car on time, she should appreciate even having a ride. I had to walk to and from school over a mile for many years, snow and rain. All uphill of course. Good luck.

Hi Shellbell - that is completely frustrating I know!! Our 16yr old nephew stayed with us for a while one summer. He certainly could get up at the crack of dawn to go play golf, but getting him out the door on time for anything else was like pulling teeth.

I would recommend checking out some resources like TotalTransformation.com and Parenting With Love and Logic. They both focus on taking out the fight and replacing it with the natural consequences of a child's actions.

just an example - tell her that her behavior is disrupting everyone's morning and that you've decided that you're just over it. You're not going to fight with her. She is old enough and responsible enough to know when she has to leave for school, so she is old enough to understand that your car will be leaving at 7:10am every morning, with or without her. If she is late getting to the car, she is going to either have to ride the bus, ride her bike, walk or call a friend's mom to pick her up to get to school. She will test you at first and be late on purpose. If you make the trip just so she can go to school - leave at 7:10am without her if she isnt ready and go get coffee or run errands and she what happens. She is going to say things like - I cant believe you left me and obviously you don't care if I get to school so I'm not going. Just be really calm and tell her that you and the school will have a problem with that - and she will have to deal with those consequences.

I would also call the admin office at school and discuss her tardies with them - maybe they need to call her in and tell her of the consequences she will experience on their end if she doesnt get herself to school on time. If for some reason, she decides she doesnt want to get to school - do not excuse her absence.

I agree with Barbilee and some of the other responses below. You need to let her be responsible for herself, and experience the consequences of her decisions. She will never grow up to be responsible if you don't!! I would recommend reading some of the Love & Logic materials - they offer very practical ideas about how to handle these kinds of situations. In this case, you can let your daughter know what time you will leave - and if she misses your ride, what her other options are for getting to school (whether that is riding a bike, paying for a bus - with her own money -- or paying for someone else to bring her, whatever). If she misses her ride, it's then in her court ENTIRELY to get herself to school. Age 14 is way too old for you to be nagging her and to take responsibility for her behavior. Same with homework or many other things in life - if she doesn't do it on time, for example, she needs to experience the consequences.

That said, if there may be an issue such as ADD at play, then as her parent you should definitely get her evaluated and treated if need be.

I did this with my daughter and it solved the problem immediately. Of course, she is a tad younger, but maybe you can modify to suit your situation. I told that we were walking out the door at such and such oclock and if she wasn't ready she was going "as is". She went "as is" once and we've never had to repeat the process. You could also try telling her that if she can't be ready when you need to leave, then she'll just have to get on the bus and go. Or just let her be late a few times. Let her face the consequences at school (you might need to get her teachers on board with this) and take your hands off the situation. She's going to have to get used to the idea that you won't always be there to "bail her out".

Hey ShellBell,

Lord! That would drive me nuts! I'm a freak about being on time now that I'm an adult! I hope my boys wait a while before hitting that speed bump!

...My kids are super little, so I am responding more on my own personal experience than as experience as a parent so take it with a grain of salt;

I was diagnosed as attention deficient when I was 12. I had the EXACT same problems your daughter is having. I was late all the time, I forgot things constantly - mostly because I couldn't pay close enough attention to collect the important details it took to recall what I was supposed to - I forgot homework, tests, chores, plans and even friend's parties. I was always daydreaming, and (I see you're from NC so you'll understand the term) lollygagging. I just sort of meandered through my day.

My parents were so frustrated that they asks our Dr about it because as a result of all of this, we fought like crazy. They would get mad at me, I'd get mad back, not realizing the whole situation of course. They'd yell, I'd get defensive and yell back, not understanding why everyone was so angry!

Turns out I had attention deficit disorder (I HATE the abbreviation because I don't feel its taken very seriously anymore) and I literally *couldn't* focus on my tasks in order to be on time, remember homework and tests, remember to go to a practice or rehearsal, etc....

I was on medication for about 4 years, but I hated it. I took myself off of Concerta when I was 16 because I wanted to learn to deal with it on my own. I have since learned how to manage on my own, but I do still have trouble with "rabbit trails" as I like to call them.

The silver lining here is that I am the only person I know that can actually do 15 different things at one time. Ha!

...Perhaps she needs an evaluation? Please don't take offense! I'm sure there's nothing "wrong" with her, I'm just saying maybe you're asking her to do things she really cannot do at this point in time.

There are a lot of other means of taming down attention deficit disorder, including a diet change, natural remedies and herbal supplements - so don't flip out about the possibility of medication. Although, I will say that when I was on the medication I did really well in school and didn't have any more trouble with forgetting or daydreaming... I stopped taking it by choice, and you guys can always take her off of it when you think she's ready to try something else and her grades are safe enough not to suffer if he hits a few bumps in the road along the way.

I hope this helped a little. Try not to get angry with her. I'm sure its not easy, but I bet if you talked to someone you could get to the bottom of it and safely navigate your way through her teen years!

Good luck!

Take the computer cord off every night when you go to bed so the computer isn't even an option, lay her clothes out for her, tv stays off. Stuff like that. I know, its easier said than done and I wish you luck! I remember how I was at that age and I doubt I was any better. Those are things I would start with though and tell her that she can lay out her clothes and things like that when she can manage to do them in a timely fashion.

My second thought is, is there something going on at school that is causing problems for her? I never liked getting up for school, but I enjoyed school and looked forward to it for the most part. I know not all kids do, but if she is dragging her feet that much maybe there's a reason? It seems like she knows you don't want to be late, and that she shouldn't be late but doesn't care.

Good luck with finding a solution.

I've read a few of the responses and agree with and have done a lot of what was said/recommended. (I made my daughter walk 5.6 miles to school one morning because once again she missed the bus and I refused to drive her to school. One day the following week, she didn't come home until 7 pm and when asked where she was for 4.5 hours, she said she missed the bus coming home so she walked. She stopped at McDonald's on the way for a while and picked up all kinds of trash on the side of the road and wrote notes about it and piddled along 'til she got home!)

One thing I wish I had done with my daughter a lot sooner was sit down with her and ask her what might help her (she was/is oppositional and didn't care about being disciplined either). Sometimes they feel helpless and unable to control their distractedness. They need to have to their issues acknowledged and sometimes being shown how they CAN be in control helps. Maybe have her do a checklist that will help keep her on track each day. Have her help create it. Also work together on a list of tasks/behaviors that you agree she needs to do or exhibit and corresponding consequences -- GOOD and bad. Reward good behavior. It'll get you a lot further. It's always been hard finding what motivates my daughter but once you find out what that motivation is, exploit it for her own good. Good luck!

Why cant you eliminate the computer?? Only give it to for homework on the kitchen table or have the password only to your self or take the cord. Does she have a phone?? bye bye!! TV gone! Ipod ...see ya!! great shampoo gone!! Lights out in her room at 10pm (take the bulb out) door on her room ...off!!! Going out ....no more!! No money for anything at all!!! She is to old for charts, she knows what to do.
Privacy would be gone unless she starts to respect you. You need to figure out what she cherishes the most and take it away! Until she shows you she will be responsible! No yelling or stressing out needs to be done. She should be able to be ready with in one hour. If not......she leaves the way she is.

Someone mentioned ADD.....might be a good idea to get her checked out.

Tough love Mamma!! Good luck!

She honestly sounds like she might have ADD/ADHD. I have it and my daughter has it as well. She sounds like both my self and my daughter. It takes moving heaven and earth to get her out the door on time in the morning.

ADD/ADHD doesn't have to show hyperactive tendencies.
http://www.add101.com/types.htm
You'll need to scroll down for descriptions.

Have her evaluated , a couple of things you can do are 1) make sure her stuff is ready to go the night before. This takes the stress of picking out clothes and gathering school stuff out of the morning rush. 2) don't even turn on the computer or TV in the morning, if it's not on she can't use it. Having either on are a recipe for disaster in our house. 3) put the dog out side if you can. 4) keep brother on task, if he's kept busy doing what he needs to do she won't have access to him to mess with him.

Most behavior modification techniques don't work on ADD/ADHD kids because they have no impulse control.

This was ME! By the time I hit 9, I was perfectly capable of getting up with my alarm clock, getting my own breakfast, making sure I had everything I needed for school that day, everything by myself... As long as nobody minded me taking three hours to do so. I'd walk over to my blow dryer and get distracted by the nail polish sitting next to it. I'd go to the fridge for a bagel and walk off with a handful of grapes.

I drove my mother and grandmother (who took me to school when my mother worked nights) UP THE WALL. They tried EVERYTHING they could (and my annoyed teachers) could think of. Making me leave as I was when it was to leave (so I always forgot something needed for school AND often ended up forgetting that I'd throw my shoes in my bag while running out the door to put on in the car, so I'd walk in to school in just socks), punishment (no tv, pc, radio, they even tried taking my door off!!!).

Nothing really worked. Until I turned 12 and got my first cell phone. I figured out something for myself. I'd set alarms to go off every fifteen, then ten, then five minutes leading up to when I'd be five minutes late walking out the door. Now, the constant alarms annoyed everyone else in the house, but with this I was constantly aware of the time. I never had problems with being late after that!

Also, from the previous posts, I see ADD as already been mentioned. I am ADD, and no one figured it out till I was 16. I had to battle my mother and grandmother to let me try medication for it, but it made my life so much easier. I longer take it, but it made school so much easier to focus on!

Time for comado parenting. If she is doing anything but getting ready for school you need to drag her away from the distraction.No words of explenation, no yelling just drag her away. And I mean drag, by her arm and towards what she is suppose to do. Computer off, TV off radio off . When it is time to leave you leave, with her ready or not.

In Florida if she was constantly late to school, you would be getting a visit from the Department of Child and Family Services and you could have a custody situation with the state. If she doesn't care if she is late, then you need to make her care - take everything away. Ask her if she wants to live in foster care?

Good luck!

Shellbell,

If there are buses in your area, give that girl a bus pass and stop being her disrespected chauffer. If school is less than a mile and weather permits, make her walk.

Your daughter along with many other teens and children don’t think of their education as a privilege. The perks she gets at home can also be taken away….maybe you just haven’t taken them away long enough to have an impact. She knows exactly what she is doing and the fact that it upsets you doesn’t seem to faze her.

I suggest, stop the yelling, keep up with the chore list, check her homework and school attendance, take away the cell phone and computer (except for homework), ground her for a month (no movies,friends trips to the mall etc.) or until she can keep to a schedule for two weeks in a row. I think in this case there can be improvement “without” medication.

Blessings.....

You can't eliminate the computer? I bet you can. You are going to have to find her currency - what ever she really cares about, and that will be the price of her caring to be on time or not. If she doesn't care about what you've taken away (do you give it back too quickly? a stubborn teen might be willing to wait out a short ban if they know you will cave in within a day or so), then you haven't taken away enough. What else is there - cell phone, make-up, earrings, favorite clothes, food treats (candy, soda, junk food, etc), door to her room? At 14, she's only 4 years away from being an adult. If she simply does not care about all you do/provide for her, she needs to think about her exit plan, and maybe some boot camp in her future might be a good thing.

I support those who suggest getting her tested for ADD. Is the issue that she needs to leave when you need to leave for work, or is she really arriving late at school? If it's the latter, see if you can enlist the school for help. Sometimes, speaking as a teacher, kids respond better to consequences when they're not being meted out by parents. I'm sure that her school would like to see that you're also being proactive about this. Maybe every three tardies she gets a detention? A certain number of tardies and she can't play on a sports team? Something. Then, back off. Make it her responsibility. You're ready to go on time, if she isn't, either you leave without her without making a big deal about it, or you wait for her and she has to deal with the consequences at school. Take the fight out of your hands. It might not change her behavior, but it will change your role in it.

Good luck. (And, just so you have a ray of hope, I was chronically late for HS too, and I am a happy, healthy, well-adjusted adult who actually makes it to school on time every day now! I'm still not a morning person, but I can drag my butt out of bed. I just needed time to grow up.)

just stop fighting it she will be late and get in trouble at school nothing you can do.

Hi Shellbell,
Truly it sounds as though your daughter is A.D.D. If nothing else is working, it may just be time for meds, sorry

Good luck, B.

Have you sat down with her for a mom/daughter talk to find out if there are some issues at school that she is trying to avoid first thing in the morning? maybe she is dealing with something that she don't know how to deal with and avoidance is the only way she can do it? 14 y/o girls are under alot of pressure at school to fit in, be accepted, etc. talk to her, find out what's happening.

In business when you have an employee who is always late, we ask them, "what are YOU going to do to get here on time?" The reason we do this is to give them the ownership of solving this. We have them sign an agreement with them writing down exactly what they are going to do. Of course you can not terminate your daughter after her third time of being late, but you CAN ramp up some of the consequences.

I love the suggestions so far, but the other suggestion is to take the computer away except for homework. No TV the night that she ran late, no going out on the weekend of the week that she was late. Make it a harder punishment. Keep taking away items, the ipod. Make he phone only be able to call you and her father. No texting to anybody but you guys.

If there is a big event she is looking forward to, tell her it will depend on whether she can get to school on time every day.

The hardest part is to stick to this!

I am sending you strength.

I would be furious! I would try a couple of things. First, I would tell her the night before school that in the morning, she has one choice, to get ready for school on time or you will leave her home. You will not write her a note of excusing her and you will not defend her if she gets suspended. I would tell her what you expect of her and tell her what time she is to be fully ready and by the door waiting for you. You will NOT remind her. Or, you can tell her that as of today, she will be to school on time, no matter what but you will NOT continue to remind her what time it is and to get ready. You will NOT continue to treat her like a two year old and you will NOT continue to be stressed over her disrespectful and poor attitude! Then, when the next morning comes, you do not say a word and when it is time to go to school, tell her to get in the car. If she has not eaten, she will be hungry. If she has not brushed her teeth or her hair, she will be stinky. If she has not gotten dressed, she will go in her pajamas. Period. I have heard with little kids that if you take them to school once in their pajamas, they will NEVER be late again. Try it on a 14 yr old and see how she likes it. You have got to relax, tell her what you expect from her and that is that. Try the opposite approach and then let her be responsible for her own actions. I would also suggest taking away any tv, phone, time with friends, etc. Clear out her room of everything but bed and clothes and homework and when she decides to be a part of the family, you will return her items. Lastly, if those things don't work, wake her up even earlier! Wake her up 30 mins earlier than normal, if that doesn't work, wake her up an hour before, etc until she IS ready on time. Teens love to sleep, that might work!! Be firm and stay strong! ;o) Good luck.