I Never Have ME Time, Will It Ever Come!

Who watches them while you are at work? Is there any way you can leave them with that person for an extra day or even a half day a week so you can have some time alone? I work 4 days a week, and sometimes on my day off I take her over in the morning to do my stuff, dentist appts, hair stuff, even just to clean the house without someone messing it up again right away. It doesnt make you a bad mom to need some time alone.

I have never taken a vacation without my kids either , and no I don't think it is normal to do that , most people don't. I also have 3 kids and some days it is hard , when you would just like 20 mins to sit down without interuptions at all. I think Dawn B's suggestion is really good , a mothers helper can "watch" the kids but you are still in the house , so you are there if needed , you can also take them out with you to playgrounds , grocery store etc , just helps to lighten the load off you for a little time.

You do not need antidepressants you need to change the way you think.. "Can't, don't and won't".. Get rid of these pitiful words.

Can't ask friends..? Why not? Would you be willing to help them out if they asked you?

Don't want a teenage babysitter? Why? Our daughter babysat all through middle school and high school. She had CPR training and would take her own games and kids LOVE her.. Even her teachers had her babysit their children..

Why won't put your foot down and tell your husband you are getting a damn haircut? Let him know you were not asking his permission, you had an appointment and are leaving in 10 minutes..

All of this falls back on the way you look at things.
Be a big girls and do what you want an need. What kind of example are you showing your kids?

Do you want your daughters to EVER end up like this?

Instead of a teenager, find a grown up to watch your kids.. Half a day a week.

Tell your husband he can mow the lawn when you get back. Or better yet, you hire someone so your husband does not have to do it.. Do not ask permission just do it.

Sorry, I had to give you a little kick.. I am sending you strength.. You are the "Mama boss".. go for it..

.

Just as you schedule everything else on your familys calendar, schedule your "ME day" too! Even if that is getting a hair cut! Schedule it and let the family know and then go. Perhaps scheduling an X day (a day which you mark it out in advance and no matter what that day is for you, NO MATTER WHAT!) Do it with enough time to arrange for a sitter, even if that's your husband! Work him if you have too...good luck!

I posted a very similar post a few days ago. I got a lot of helpful answers, and I'm like you, I can't leave my daughter with just anyone. Sometimes I just want my life back. My family isn't really available to help out much with watching her for me. I'm in dire need of a hair cut too, among other things that I've been neglecting with myself. I give everything I have to my daughter, and I mean that on every level. I just feel like I HAVE to do something for me, and I HAVE to get a little break, or I'm going to snap. BUT I don't trust anyone with my daughter, and I don't really feel comfortable asking anyone to watch her for me either. You need a break, so I would suggest just asking for help, and do NOT feel guilty for it. You NEED a "minute", to be a better (happier, calmer, more energized, confident) mom. So if you feel guilty, then don't. I gather you care a great deal about your kids, so ask for the help and take the time needed to care for you, and remind yourself that you're doing it for your kids too. There's no guilt in doing it for the kids, is there? Pamper yourself, sweetie! Even if that just means a few hours of alone time to do the things you used to enjoy doing pre-motherhood.

There's a short, cute little book that made me think and cry so much. It's called the Tao of Poop. It talks a lot about not losing yourself in motherhood, because your kids need to see that fire that you once had before them. It's great!

Oh wow, I hear you!!!! I just have two, a three year old and a 6 month old and I get up early, got to bed late and just work my butt off all day. I wonder if I will ever see the other side sometimes too. I have told my hubby that once a month we need to something, just us. So we try to make that happen. Also, I joined a gym for just $20 a month, I drop my kids off at the little gym daycare and get a workout a few times a week. I just tried a Zumba class and it was great. The kids have fun having an hour or so with other kids and excercise is great stress reliever!! So if that is an option, I strongly suggest it. I recently started getting up an hour before everyone to read a bit. It is peaceful time in the house and I can just have that little bit of me time. As far as getting you hair done, been there!! I was in tears over this recently as well and just frustrated. I talked to my hubby about the fact I need to be able to cut my hair to feel womanly and he was understanding about that. Plus the better I feel the happier he is ultimately;) So I say, talk to your hub about a monthly date night, but just keep it simple if you can. Don't expect a lot emmotionally, dudes hear what we say, process and then act. We are so much faster at processing than they are, but I think if you tell him and then give him space to do it or just arrange an outing yourself, you will be glad. I know there is a place called "The Little Gym" here in Houston and they have a babysitting night like once a month or so. You pay a fee, your kids get watch, you eat or whatever and go get them. So jump online and see if there are any resources out there for you to take advantage of. I think working as much as you do and being mommy is actually very hard. You have to change gears a lot and just have a lot on your shoulders. Give yourself a break, get your man on board. If nothing else ask him for a couple hours at least one Saturday a month that you can get out, get that haircut, go to a movie, have a coffee out, whatever!!! As far as vacation, we went away for four days one time without kids and it was great!!! Where do grandparents live?? Maybe you could plan a vacation that could include flying by or driving by where they are and then picking them up on the way back home. Even a weekend away can totally recharge your batteries! Well take care, you are not alone believe me!!!

You are in a rut. But it won't be this way forever. By the time the kids are grown and on their own, you won't know what to do with yourself. Even in a year the kids will be a bit older and it will be different. Sometimes a break in the form of a long soak in the bathtub can go a long way to refreshing your nerves.

Hi A.,
I am coming in late, and haven't read all responses, so please forgive any duplication.

Been there done that, tho wilth only two kids....but similar feelings. Yes, someday you will take vacation without kiddos (and you will miss them!).

you will get the ME time when you TAKE it, it will not come to you. And remember, you are worth it. There is a reason the airlines put the instructions for the oxygen masks as "first put on your own mask before assisting others"--you will be so much more good to your family if you are good to yourself first. it has taken me a few years of therapy to realize this--so you can get this benefit without the angst and $$ !

I think every mom who is honest resents her kids sometimes. That doesn't mean you are a bad mom. And it is OK to feel like crying sometimes too.

You mention not being on anti-depressants--I am not saying you should be (a decision for you and your doc), but I will say that getting out into the fresh air and sunshine does boost my mood a little bit. You might try that, with or without your kids.

Remember to eat right...that sets a good example for the rest of the family too.

Find some way to leave your kids(maybe even just the girls, if you feel more comfortable having just baby with you) with someone for the me time or a date night. someone mentioned what I called a "mother's helper" a kid (can be boy or girl) who is there at your house (or park or beach or....) to help you. Maybe you need to wash the floor and want to do it without little footprints (what a concept!). Have the mother's helper take them outdoors or in basement or living room while you do it. You are there for any emergency (e.g. smoke or blood) but don't have to be disturbed for anything less.

Maybe there is another couple in same situation as you. You and hubby (if home) watch their kids one night so they can go out. Next time they do the same for you.

When I moved to Holland Mich. I joined the Newcomers Club. They had a babysitting co-op. It was a GOD-SEND!!! I am still in touch with a woman I met there (though neither of us live there anymore). Check if there is something like that in your area; or start one!

Good luck, and hugs to you! Hang in there!

K. Z.

Hi A.,

You are so not alone! We live in different times than people used to. So many of us are away from family, or the grandparents are still working full time, we don't know our neighbors like we used to, etc., so I think moms are on their own more than ever before! It's really important to get time to be by yourself and "recharge your batteries" so that you can be a good mom to your kids the rest of the time. Please do not feel guilty! (I know it's hard, though, because I do it too!)

I am grateful to be blessed with a husband who has three sisters and a mom who worked full-time and went to school when he was a kid so he gets it that moms need some alone time. You are not being selfish. Your husband really might not understand. I think it might help to try to talk to him about how you feel. When I say that, I mean tell him that you are feeling sad and stressed and feel like you need some time to rest so that you can be a good mom (and more pleasant wife for that matter). Try not to focus on things he does or doesn't do, just keep it about your feelings so he doesn't get defensive and not really hear you. Maybe then you can say, "what do you think we can do about this?" Put it in his lap to help come up with a solution.

I liked what someone else said about making an appointment and just letting your husband know. You can even be nice about it and say, "oh I wish I could watch the kids but I've got an appointment in 15 minutes and I have to go now." I'm assuming that your husband is a good guy but just understand how tough it can be to be with the kids all the time and never feel like you can get anything done let alone relax for five minutes. You deserve some time to yourself.

It bothers me when people say you should just tell your husband how it's going to be. Well, isn't that the same thing some of these husbands are doing to their wives? If this is the person you've chosen to spend your life with, if one of you is telling the other that you are going to do whatever you want and they just have to deal with it, it sounds like it's not a very good relationship. I think it's better to approach it from the standpoint that he just doesn't understand how you're feeling.

I think the mother's helper idea is a great suggestion! You can have the security of being there if anything happens but you can do some things for yourself too. I know that sometimes for me I just want to be able to clean the house by myself! It's not quality alone time, but it's nice to just be able to accomplish something without having to stop every five minutes or having a little person clinging to your leg.

sometimes you have to TAKE THE TIME for me! i know the feeling of not wanting to leave your children on just anyone or with a teenager. but you know you may have to. even if it's just for a couple hours. i was so sad when i first heard about andrea yates and her children, but i understood also how she got to that point! we need that little bit of time even if we get to go to walmarts by ourselves, or go to macdonald's by ourselves. we need that. and these men need to understand that! (Not downing your husband). my boyfriend can tell when i'm near my breaking point and he just hands me some money and tells me "go to the casino" come back when you get ready" cause he knows when i get ready to snap it;s going to be on HIM! as far as vacation like i said you may have to get a sitter. or here in michigan we sometimes to Soaring Eagle Casino, they have a daycare there( don't care who doesn't like the idea)the aides are certified and you can go chill for a while. plus ther is sooo much to do that is family friendly up there. but me time is #1. so really sit down and talk with your husband and let him know how you feel and just say i need you to help sometimes. and start making firends so you can have a break or find a reliable person that can babysit. wish you lived near me, I always have someone kids over here, but i don't mind because i can tell when their mothers need a break! and they have no problem returning the favor if nessacary! i wish you the best of luck!

I know exactly how you feel hun. I moved to ohio a little over a year ago. I left my sister, BIL & Nephew there. I have a 2 y.o & one on the way.

my alone time..Going grocery shopping at night once my son is in bed...sad huh? lol

I'm only about to have my 2nd child and I don't get alone time. I don't think you are crazy for feeling that way.
I'd say try out little things...once the girls are in bed, & your hubby is home...go for a walk. Go for a drive, get some coffee *or whatever your taste is* and sit and enjoy it with a good book.

The only real ALONE Time i get is after my son is in bed.

A.
You are not alone! I often feel the same way. I make my appointments doctors, dentist, beauty-parlor which only happens (once every three months ) during my lunch hours. I always have two kids trailing me everywhere I go. I soooo wish I could sit in my car by myself on my commute home and listen to my own music, not a disney cd. Or go shopping without having to keep my eyes on two kids and everyone else who comes next to my kids. I really get where your coming from and I have cried before for lack of not having me time. There are times that I hate my husband for his me-time and there are times that I hate me for not standing up for me-time. I have friends who go out to dinner all the time, spend a ton of money on themselves and I envy them but then I remember that those are their decisions. They choose to leave the kids with sitters and buy those shoes instead of signing the kids up for soccer and swimming. You could leave your kids with some teenager and ask the neighbor but you don't and this is your decision. I know it's a hard decision but it's the best decision for you. So hang in there the light at the end of the tunnel is coming I promise. They won't always be this small and need you this much it will come sooner than you think or hope for. Good Luck

I just posted an answer, but then was reading some other answers....someone suggested a babysitting co-op. There is one in North Canton near Belden Village if you are ever up this way. I have used it a couple times. It's called Sitter Service and is located at a church on Fulton. If you want more info and can't find it, let me know. Also, someone suggested a MOPS group. I attended that when my boys were younger, before we moved to North Canton. It was wonderful!!! Again, it's not :alone" time, but it was still a break. I will keep trying to think of things since I am in your area. Do you mostly stay in Bolivar, or go to New Phila or North Canton?

I know how you feel. I just told my husband the other day that it isn't really fair that when he has a project (usually house related or something) he gets to do it and I take the kiddo's... but if he takes the kids someplace I just end up scrubbing toilets or doing something else that NEEDS to be done... grocery shopping, hair cut, whatever. It's not like I get that extra time to do something I'll feel good about after... it would make my day to actually accomplish something not on my regular list of "to do's".

I'm hoping that when my oldest starts K this fall and the middle one is in preschool 2 days a week I'll feel like I can use the 2 hours with my daughter more effectively... although I'll probably feel guilty then about not spending the time doing something quality with her...

Good luck and know you are not alone.
J.

Sounds just like me! And YES I agree, going to work is NOT a break. I hate it when people say that to me. We are just like you in the way that we also do not leave our kids with babysitters. We have 3 girls, (15mo., 4, 5 yrs). We/I never get breaks (well my husband does lol!). Not together anyway. We did get to go out to eat (for almost 2 hours!) in April when it was his b-day though Woo Hoo! Just try to KEEP YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR! We'll all get "me time" when we're like 90! Seriously, I do know how ya feel, venting helps huh. Sounds to me like you are an excellent mama.

Ha! My husband is on a 6 day camping trip.....when will I get to go on a 6 day trip all by myself!

Sorry you are having one of those days. The truth is, you would probably be happy with a haircut and running errands by yourself rather than a vacation away from your family!

Everything you are feeling is normal and you need to feel those things to be human!

I signed up for a language class on Sundays at 1130 and told my husband that I got 3 hours to myself on that day. No arguments, no excuses, I just get to leave and come home in 3 hours. I've done it twice....this weekend didn't happen because he went camping. Grrr.

Make it happen if you can. Tell your husband he has no choice when he is in town for work.

I work part time also and have to remind my husband that work isn't considered free time for me. He gets up and goes and I have to plan the whole day around the kids and getting ready and getting home and and and!

I wish you well. This too shall pass....just doesn't always seem like it!

Been there and done that. I have 4 ranging from 11 to 3. Somedays I feel lucky to pee by myself. I do work outside the home because that is the way it has to be. My olders ones were 5 and 4 before I got any time to me. I was dating a man who encouraged it - demanded it almost and it has taken me several years to get used to having it without feeling guilty. But since I have been taking it I feel like I am a better mother and wife. I have no resentments about being with my kids for a week at a time when my husband is out of town and when my husband wants to take them, I get jealous. I guess what I am saying is that for sanity sake, you need to do this.

Sit down and explain to him how you feel and that you need so time. If you lived closer I'd be happy to help.

I found an GREAT at home sitter on babysitter.com. When I invited her over for an interview (2 hours long) I got to see how she interacted with my kids and when they asked her a question, she was all about them. I also have 2 other sitters that are daughters of our Taekowando insutructors. Talk about fun - they teach all my kids martial arts. But these are suggestions on where to find someone if you choose to.

I'm sorry but I literally LOL when I read the heading of this post. I felt like I was asking the q and everyone was screaming "NEVER!" Motherhood is hard to say the least. Until I had children I never understood why some people choose not to have them. Little humans do take a lot of our time and can suck the life force out of us as well. But it will get better and you will look back at this time and you will remember it in a different light.

Can I be jealous of the fact that you are at least working? I had a cushy job that I left for the joys of motherhood ( although I miss my former life, mind you, I still would not trade it, for my current one. In spite of my daily rants). You are still in good shape because at least you care about getting your hair done =).

The "me" time will come. You may have to wait until your youngest is 18 or maybe just until they fall asleep. I myself have a personal count down 1 more year and my youngest will be in kindergarten. Woo Hoo! Maybe I can work again =).

But seriously, do not beat yourself up too much. We all feel this way at one time or another. I have slipped so many time that I have learned to forgive myself over and over.

(((HUGS))
D.

We never took a vacation without the kids. I would never thnk to do such a thing. Well let me back up we did go to the in laws once without the youngest. He was on a trip with the chorus to Florida to sing at Disney. So we did go there. But I do not call staying with the inlaws as a vacation by any defination. My sister has done so quite alot. What you need is another mother who could trade back and forth so she too can have me time also. My kids are grown and gone and I would love to watch a little one for someone to shop or get their hair done. Or to shop with and help with the kids whike your there. I have a friend we do that allot. She also babysits and we go to lunch and take the kids. They play and we have adult time.

You need a break! I would call around to the day cares and churches in your area to see if any offer MOPS or Mothers Day Out programs. I used both - the Mothers Day Out was a half day with reasonable prices where they were entertained with supervision by adults with helpers. You will also meet other women who you might be able to exchange child care with.

Schedule a day with your husband when he's home where he takes the kids and you go get a haircut. And tell hubby that no matter what you are getting your haircut.
Also any of my me time I get is after the kids go to bed, I stay up late , yeah I'm tired all the time but it's worth it.

I don't have any good answers for you, but I wanted to say that I understand and can relate.
Though I only have one boy (18 months old), I also work out of the house two days a week (and freelance from home the other days) and have a husband that travels often for work (for the past two weeks he was out of town between Monday morning and Friday afternoon) and I can only imagine three times the work involved in doing what needs to be done for your family on a day-to-day basis!
The first day he was home (after his first full week away), my husband went out golfing for five hours or so. After he had had his "me time", I asked him if I could take Sunday afternoon to do my own "me time". He was very encouraging, knowing that I had been under a lot of stress and was going to have another week alone after the weekend was over.
My thoughts are just to talk to your husband (when you're feeling less overwhelmed, if you can manage it), and let him know how you feel. My guess is that he's also stressed (even though he is away from the kids, he's not exactly having "me time" either), and that you could negotiate some time alone to do things that would make you feel more like your "old self".
Also, my husband and I rarely get out on dates with just the two of us, but we have instituted "movie night", which means that after our son goes to bed, we watch a movie snuggled up together (no computers, no distractions). It's a date without leaving the house, and even that is better than nothing.
You're SO not alone, but you can also get through this and make it work!

You are not alone in your feelings. Parenting can be overwhelming especially when your support system isn't so supportive.
I am finding my attitude toward the situation is what makes it better or worse. Don't feel guilty to need a little time to yourself. Even if you get someone to stay with the older kids and you take the baby it would be a little bit of a break and would give the girls a chance to miss you and appreciate you a little more as well. ....although initially they will enjoy the babysitter so much you may feel a little left out, especially if it is teenager who is active with them.
Best wishes
My favorite saying: This too will pass
My mothers always said. Yeah but you'll miss this when they're all grown.

A.,
I do understand where you are coming from. I have 3 great kids; 24, 20 and 17 so I am down the road from where you are. Let me tell you the days you are having right now will be gone before you know it and you will be wanting them back. Cherish these times even when it is difficult. You do, however need an escape from time to time even if it is to just go get your hair done. If you are a part of a church you need to find someone who can just help you out even for a couple of hours to go get your hair done. I totally agree with not vacationing w/o your kids. I always said I would not have kids and let someone else raise them and I have been very blessed to be able to stick to that. I am in a different time of life now and I am getting my real estate license and plan to do more for ME now even though I am still very involved in all of my kids lives including my 3 y/o granddaughter who I keep 3 days a week. Life with our children goes very quickly and even though times get difficult we need to cherish every moment. Hope this helps and good luck!

Your time will come when YOU make it....PLEASE start by finding a teen or college student who can come over for at least one hour just to become acquainted with you and the children...and on days when you need an in-home "break"...he or she will provide a welcome distraction for the children. Even a pre-teen can provide this, if he or she likes to interact with young children. My daughter is doing this for herself and her children, ages 1, 3, and 5. Get over your reluctance to do this and you won't be sorry....your mental health will thank you!

I have two teen boys and it is still hard to get me time, but it does come. I asked my mom what she thought about getting me time from her experience. Her response was that she had a few seconds between when I truly didn't "need" her anymore and when the first grandbaby was born - lol! Seriously, though, you may not believe it now, but your time will come here and there as time goes on. You do have to do some work to make it happen, though, when the kids are little. I have to admit that there are times when my boys are off on their own and are taking care of things themselves, and I think back with great fondness of all the time I spent caring for them. You do kind of forget the hassle part of it as the kids get bigger and closer to independence.

My kids are grown but I've been in your shoes and remember those feelings. Now I'm a professional inhome family child care provider and have been for 19 years. I currently have 2 families in my care where the mom is a SAHM (stay at home mom) and they each bring their chiildren to me just one day per week. That gives them the opportunity for 'me' time, appointments, whatever. It is also great for the children as they get to play with other kids their age. Both started bringing their children just 2 times a month and it ended up being once a week because it worked out so well.

Same boat here! Stay at home mom with three kids ages 5 (girl), 3 (boy) and 16 months (boy). Sometimes I resent not being able to do what I want as well. My husband goes off and does things whenever he feels like and of course I get to stay home with the kids. Family is not around and really don't have any friends to hang out with although all of our neighbors are great people but they all work outside of the home. We don't really take vacations either. With or without the kids!!! I don't have any words of encouragement other than hang in there and no you are not alone judging from the other posts on here too!!

I am so with you on this. I was just laying in bed thinking "when will I ever get to sleep in till 8 again? How many years from now?" I can't even imagine taking a trip without my kids and like you, I used to be fun and travel and do social things ALL THE TIME! Of course I wouldn't want to go back to that but for maybe a couple of days it would be nice! I just have to remind myself of all the things my friends with older kids are getting to do and remember that mine won't be this age, totally dependent, forever. And honestly, I love having little kids. So really, it's a trade-off. And it's temporary. Some day we'll look back on these times with a big sigh and wish we could go back. Let's just enjoy it while we can, then when we have some freedom again we can enjoy that too. Time goes so fast and kids grow up so fast...this too shall pass...and all that good stuff. =)