I Need Help with My Almost 3 Year Old (Hitting Her Brother and Not Listening)

I have a 2 year old that started hitting and kicking his older brother. We tried all the nice ways of correcting the behavior and none worked. We went to spankings. It really worked. Just yesterday the little one lifted his hand, doubled up a fist and went to slug his brother for no reason. He stopped half way to contact, looked at me, and dropped his hands down to cover his bum and said "bad". A spanking, administered by a loving parent, is not hitting, and is not abusive. It is an effective punishment used forever now. And it works.

Oh boy, welcome to the life with a 3 year old!! I had 2 at once...........sounds like she is jealous.......here are some recommendations.

1. Let her help with her brother, fetching diapers, picking out clothes for him, etc....
2. Find something special to do with her during the day.......for a half and hour or so....something she likes, maybe when he is napping.
3. 2 minute time outs are not long enough.......is her room safe for her? If so, send her there when she misbehaves.........if she screams and yells, don't let her out until she stops.
4. Talk to her about being a big sister.....she's young, but she will get it eventually what that means.
5. Tell her you love her, only when she is being good.......so she gets praise and love when good, not when bad........

As for your parents, the same thing must apply.......sounds to me like she wants attention......so, if she isn't doing anything to hurt herself or someone else, ignore her when she acts up............if she is hurting someone else, remove her from the area and the issue...........by putting her somewhere where she is alone for being bad, that should stop the issue......eventually.........

You can do this, and you can take control, just be consistent, loving but firm.......everyone who watches her that goes through this must be on the same page..........so make sure you all share stories and what works.

Hang in there........take care.

*Try to find out why your 3 year old is hitting. Are they mad? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Felling left out? If you can figure it out you can then give your child the words to use. You can teach your child to say, "I am angry" or "I need attention" or something that pertains to the situation.
*Other options are responsibility and/or separation.(Not Time Out but a logical consequence for being violent.) If your 3 year old hurts her brother she should be responsible for getting ice or soothing him so that she is taking responsibility for her actions. Let her know that if the aggression continues she will have to play by herself in another room (you can go if you do not have a safe place for her to be alone, but do not engage her). Explain, calmly in a neutral tone, that it is a safety issue. Your house is a safe place for everyone and if one member is hurting another they will have to be kept separate until they can be safe around the family. In this way you are addressing the behavior and situation and NOT telling your 3 year old that they are bad or hitting them for hitting. They can even play, but just by themselves. Maybe it will be good for them. Perhaps a break from others is needed and she just cannot express that. Make sure that before your 3 year old comes back to play with her brother, that she knows why she had be play by herself.

I have tried all of these methods and each work. You just need to find the right one to fit your family and situation.
B. Davis
Child And Family Coaching
www.childandfamilycoaching.com

Hello K.,
Good for your mother! It is nice that she is going to force the issuse to be resolve and that she has set boundries for herself and her home. I am the mother of 5,have had a Day Care, been a foster parent and now have several grandchildren 2 of them are 3 yos. So I have some experiance behind me. Since I don't know the age of her brother I guess he is to young to haul off and hit her back or pick up a toy and do it. She is very lucky for that. Since you have tried all the touchy,feely, and talking resonably with her, it is time to consider a new option.
Tough Love, is what they used to call it. I have a friend that teaches parenting classes(yes some parents are court ordered to be there, many want to be there), and she has a chapter in her book that says" that when a child is running the family and in control then it has no boundries to develope the proper skills for developement and stimulation in the proper order to make successful in a school / other setting" So 1st take charge and make sure she knows that you are in charge and that you won't accept her behavior from this moment on. Takeing away favorite toys, being sent to her room alone -- and if she takes it apart then she has all that she tore apart taken away. Soon she will learn that she is not going to like the results of her actions. For every action there is a consequence.
2. get her involved in a play group or pre-school so she can have children her age to be with. They won't put up with it for a New York minuet, and she will be kicked out of a pre-school if she hurts other children. But it sounds as if you need to use the book on her bottom and get her attention vs. letting her hurt another person. I don't mean hurting her just a swat to get her attention & to see how it feels to be in the recievers end of things. I hope some of this helps. Because I can see that your little one will only get herself in trouble when she picks on the wrong kid and they really hurt her and it will be her fault and not the other childs.

Oh, three.... three is a challenging age to begin with. My lifesaver when my ODS was three was "Your Three Year Old - Friend or Enemy" by Louise Bates Ames. I highly recommend it. We went through a hitting phase too, and the only thing that broke him of it was consistent and immediate time outs. It takes time and you will want to make sure that anyone who watches your daughter is on board, and is consistent too. Good luck.

What Kim said. Seriously, some kids don't need spankings. They just "get it". However, some kids need to understand that hitting hurts and has repercussions. If your little girl has never been spanked she doesn't KNOW it hurts to be hit. Show her that hitting hurts and let her know that if she continues to hit her little brother that she'll get the same in due course. It'll nip it in the bud. Your mother will also have a new tool to control your daughter. If she starts to misbehave all your mother will have to do is ask if she wants a spanking and she'll stop. One spanking is usually all it takes. Then you can remind, with words, what will happen if the misdeeds continue.

How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is a quick and easy to read book with real examples in cartoon form. Another good and short book is Between Parent and Child by Haim Ginot.

Rewards and punishments in the form of forcefull language, moralizing, lecturing, spanking, time outs etc. may make a child compliant but will not bring permanent positive change in behavior. The impact of punishment is same whether it is light or severe - shaming, belittling, making someone feel worthless.

There is no logical link between the undesired behavior and the imposed reward/punishment. All a child gets is that if he/she did good they get a reward and if did something bad, they get punishment and if punishment is severe, they may not do it again out of fear or they may become defiant. And, if they complied, they will do it only to get a reward NOT because that is the right thing to do. They also get that people older than them are more forceful and powerful and they use the same coercive tactics on kids younger to them. The point is that we model the behavior. However, in all this process, a child's own feelings remain unaddressed and nor does a child get any guidance on how to cope with negative emotions when he/she engages in or feels like engaging in same undesired behavior again.

Long story short, acknowledgement and validation of child's feelings such as you seem frustrated, you are angry, you are so mad that you feel like hitting, yelling and then quick redirection to another activity helps a child learn that there are alternatives and ways to cope with negative feelings and bring a long term positive change. Hope, it makes some sense.

Best,
-Rachna

Someone else recommended HOW TO TALK SO KIDS WILL LISTEN AND LISTEN SO KIDS WILL TALK, and I would second that. I'd also recommend another book by Adele Faber called SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY; HOW TO HELP YOUR CHILDREN LIVE TOGETHER SO YOU CAN LIVE TOO. (Both are available at Santa Clara County Library system, and at other libraries too)
Both books really focus on listening to the emotions behind the behavior, and responding to those emotions. That does not mean letting the child get away with the bad behavior, but acknowledging her frustrations and anger that she no longer has your full attention. I know you said that you're spending time with her and giving her attention, but it sounds as if what you are doing isn't matching her needs.
If this behavior started four weeks ago, what changed then? Did he become more mobile? Is he getting into her things more? Did it mean a change in her routines? Both books give suggestions on ways to talk to even young children to try to figure out what the world looks like from their perspective, and may help you figure out how you can make some changes to help her.
Remember that she wants your love and approval. My daughter (23yo) acknowledges that our disapproval was significant punishment, much more so than a spanking. So learn your firm Mom-voice "NO!", with the disapproving face that goes with it. Remove her from the situation, with whatever explanation--"I know you're mad that he knocked down your block tower, but you cannot hit him"--but keep it short.
Good luck.