My 3 Year Old Is a Liar!!!

WOW!!! I am not the only parent going through this too. My 3 year old daughter started acting out in the exact same ways. Like you I tried muliple things to get her to understand. Nothing has seemed to work. AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!! I just started a "Reward" chart this week too. Every day at the end of the day I explain to her what she did wrong and I praised her with her positive accomplishments. She gets a sticker if she did not act. So at the end of the week we plan a special treat for her. This weekend is Disney On Ice, So I am hoping that she does well.... WEll Good Luck and Maybe it's just another "phase" they are going through...

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I have two 3 year olds--I am going through this double-time so I know your pain! It is a phase that every pre-schooler goes through though so don't think your child is destined to a life as a compulsive liar! I read some articles on this and basically what I found out is this...at this age, they are lying because they think that is what you want to hear. Sometimes they know it is wrong, but honestly sometimes they don't. The articles said not to make too big of a deal out of it or they will just lie to get out of trouble for lying. Circular, huh!

What has worked for me so far is a. if I know they have done something wrong, I don't ask them if they did it--that just encourages them to lie about it--I just punish them for what they did that was wrong. And b. when I catch them telling me what I want to hear and I'm not sure it is the truth, I get down on their level and talk to them about why lying isn't a good idea--frankly, my kids will tell me the truth to avoid one of my lectures because I'm a bit long-winded and they are forced to sit and listen the whole time :-D. The only time they get in trouble for actually lying is when they lie in order to get someone else in trouble (for example, my daughter will say my son hit her because she knows he will lose whatever toy he is playing with and then she can take it w/o getting in trouble...sneaky, huh...took a while to catch on to that one!) When I know that they are lying and they know they are lying and it is wrong, that is when they get in trouble. But if I think they are just telling me what they think I want to hear, then they don't get in trouble. Make sense?

When he gets older and understands more, then it will be appropriate to punish him for lying, but for now stick with punishing him for the things you know he knows are wrong (like the hitting).

Oh...almost forgot the bathroom thing. My son does that too. The way we got around that is he has to show us the pee in the potty before he is allowed to play again. He has learned to go REAL quick! :-D

It is hard to outsmart them sometimes, isn't it??? :-D

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I would recommend the parenting book, How to Talk so Kids Will Listen. Try redirection; removing him from the situation and distracting him with something else. Tell him what you see him doing, tell him it is not ok for him to do, tell him most importantly what you want him to and demonstrate it for him! My guess he is doing these behaviors to get your attention. Give lots of praise and attention to his good behaviors.

Try having him help out more with his sister. Do you praise him when he helps out? Because this is helpful. Show him how he can help changing a diaper by putting the tabs on his sister's diaper. Even during feeding time no matter how messy it gets have him make airplane noises when he's feeding her. There is also playtime where you can take turns making the sister laugh. As for hurting her, if he gets hurt or his siter or even yourself "Kiss the owee." This lets him understand that it hurts and can make it feel better. Please understand that this takes time and patience but I can say it does work. Good Luck WEE

I felt the same way about my 3yr old. When I voiced my opinion during a "help me potty train" class I was told, "Little children don't consciously LIE, they just tell you their world as they wish it to be." The difference, of course, is motive. Knowing better and still trying to deceive vs. telling you how they WISH things were to be.

So, take heart, you do not have a compulsive liar on your hands, you just have a child who is trying to maneuver through the world of language - and a smart one will avoid getting into trouble if he can (lucky you!).

Should you discipline? Absolutely. "You did "X", and that is not right, you have a consequence (FOLLOW THROUGH WITH CONSEQUENCE)." We don't hit, we don't hurt the dog, and we don't push are all hard and fast rules. THe language may not be perfect, but the consequences are!

Good luck!

I have been told that the earlier a child learns to lie the smarter he is. But you cant let him get away with it. You need to consistently talk to him about his behavior every time. There is a reason he is acting out try to get inside his little mind. Give him positive reinforcement when he does the right things and tell him specificly what he did right. Even when he understands and feels true remorse for what he has done wrong. Teaching compassion is very important but you have to be honorable too. Good Luck!

I have a 5 year old that has recently started using the bathroom as an excuse as well. My oldest daughter (7) and my 5 year old share a room and when it comes time for them to clean up the bedroom she suddenly has to go pee five times in a row. I know as the mom that she is doing this so that her sister will have to do most of the work. I know that your little boy is only three, but what I do is right before I tell them it is time to clean the room I have her go to the bathroom. If she is insistent that she has to go while cleaning the bedroom I let my oldest daughter do something she enjoys so that she doesn't get stuck doing all of the cleaning. I have found this has cut back on the bathroom breaks. As far as the hurting his sister and the dogs I think that you may need to re-evaluate the way you dicipline. Do you reward for positive behavior? Do you loose your temper? I am not anit spanking but I do believe that should only be used when a child is doing something that could really hurt them. Such as running in the road, repeatedly playing with pug ins...curling irons.... stoves....etc. I think that spanking him for everything is only feuling the fire. You are the only one that can control your emotions and your temper. Put out the fire with some water..... Meaning when he is a fired up you be cool and calm yet make your flow be known.

just read this article on toddlers and honesty:
http://www.huggieshappybaby.com/info/bow/article.aspx?art...

Just to let you know, you are not the only one! My son who is now 5, always said he had to go to the bathroom when he didn't want to do something, especially when we were all eating at the table and he didn't want to. I put my foot down and said since he was a big boy, he could hold it until he was done eating all his food.
My oldest is 7 and had a real bad time lying at the beginning of the school year, even lying to his teacher. We all talked to him about the seriousness of telling the truth, and explained about lying vs telling a story.
I am interested to hear the other advice from everyone else!

Try taking away one of his favorite toys. When u notice a change in him make sure u let him know how proud u r of him then reward him by doing something speical with him

Hi N.- I hope this helps:)
your son is acting in such an agae appropriate manner. He is not lying he is testing to see what works and what does not work.
He does not understand what a lie is.
My daughter is six and still trys to delay bedtime by telling us she is hungry. she is smart like your son and jsut trying to see what boundries are being put in place for him.
Have you had any luck reading about typical 3 year old behaviors- it will put your mind at ease that he is not a liar and it is normal behavior to figure out is world:)
Best wishes,
D.

I also wanted to comment on Kaiya's response. My daughter has never had a spanking and she has never been the brat in the store treating me like garbage or throwing herself on the floor. Spanking is appropriate for certain situations but I do not believe that all children need a spanking- they need to be spoken to and help them understand the dangers of their actions- then they have a better appreciation for how the world works.

Your 3 Year Old is Not a Liar. That may sound kind of radical, but keep reading... Your 3 year old is experimenting with telling a few lies at this particular time. You're doing the right thing by being consistent and letting him know the behavior is not appropriate. I think 3 minute time outs are your best bet, but sometimes a spanking might be needed if you've already tried the time outs. Make sure your love is present and be calm like a police officer writing a ticket. Let him know it's not appropriate and give him the consequence. Also, believe this is temporary and make sure and reward him when he tells the truth and is gentle and if he apologizes. I understand how difficult it is when your kids misbehave. I'm a mom of 2 year old twin boys and as patient as I try to be -- it is so difficult sometimes when I actually lose track of how many times they hit each other or pulled each other's hair over a possession. Just keep doing the best you can and keep looking for the best in your son. Listen to him as his best self ... and chip away at anything that isn't that with consistent, calm and loving consequences.

Hi,Frist of all hes 3 and he dosent know hes lying or telling the truth yet! But tell him there are conquenes(sp?) tohis behavior That if hes going to misbehave then no tv for example whatever it is that he really likes to do he wont be able to do for an 10 mintutes. No spanking though if your telling him not ot hit then you can't hit him. But you can inforce punishment for hitting his sister or being mean to the dog. When you give him time out how long do you give time out? and does he just get back up from where hes at? You make him go right back where he was agian have a timer for how long he hasto sit tell him when the timer goes off then he can get up from where hes at. The other thing is hes 3 and my son when he was three was well not so sweet.. But when i had his little brother he wanted me to put him back . What about his Dad ? Dad could have a talk with him ! You could always say wait tell your father comes home .. Sounds korny like leave it beaver but it could work. He also could be trying to get your attention . Kids are funny that way sometimes. I hope this helps. L. A

A 3yo doesn't understand the concept of lying. How can anyone justify spanking a child with a belt? Spanking is wrong. It is the result of lazy parenting. Children need to feel safe to experiment and grow. A child that young doesn't understand consequences to a lot of their actions like hitting the dog. You need to be a teacher to your child. It will take many talks, many time outs. And GOOD role modeling. Children mirror their environnment. What message are you sending your child when you hit them? There are no quick fixes. Everyone of us are dealing with some kind of behavior we would "just like to have stop". But it doesn't work that way. But if you give your child a safe, loving and nurturing space to grow in you will find it gets easier. They will learn to self discipline as a result of your role modeling and understanding the boundries you set as a family. Many times my 6yo will say things like "mommy I don't watch x,y or z." Or "we don't say this in our family." Because he has been taught with love, through example and we have talked about things. And he knows because he has been told a million times that there is NOTHING he can't tell us. Nothing he can't ask us. He feels SAFE. Hitting does not make a child feel safe!

Hi N.,

I do not agree with the no spanking b/c it teaches them to hit. I spanked my daughter and she has never ever hit anyone! I would agree that if that works then you got the right tool. I do think they can understand (if you explain which you have) what lying is. He is lying for a reason, b/c he knows that is not okay otherwise he would just say what he did. I found that another thing that works well is (dare I bring up this controversial issue) soap in the mouth. If my daughter lies, I give her a warning and a chance to tell me the truth and if she decides not to then she gets her mouth washed out with soap. One or two times and just the mention and she avoids it at no cost. As a kid my mouth was washed out and I have not suffered any adverse affects from it except to be a well balanced person who understands the importance of healthy discipline in a childs life. Do not feel guilty or bad for your discipline methods, you love your little boy and just want him to understand the consequences of lying. Another idea for when he hurts the baby, would be he has to pick out one of his toys to "give" to her. Not for her to play with but for her to have, that has helped my some. Keep chaging up your tatics until something works b/c he does understand and you have to stand your ground. Good Luck and keep us posted. :) Another book that is absolutley awesome is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". You should wheck it out. ;)

K.

Lying is a normal part of being a 3/4 year old. They are experimenting with what pushes your button. The best advice is to be careful how you respond to him. Do not give him a chance to lie, by asking him if he did something when you already know he did. Ask him why (which he may not be able to answer) or ask him how he felt at that time. Help him put his anger or frustration into words, and deal with them. Also, ahead of time tell him what the consequence is for any violent behavior. Then after you have talked about why he did it, enforce the consequence on a consistent basis.

Whoa - what is up with all this spanking advice and support? I totally understand the frustration, but spanking makes no sense, especially if you are spanking him because you are trying to teach him that hitting is wrong! He will do what you do, not what you say.

I have a daughter who will be three in June, so I am in the same boat with the behavior. I see her experimenting with a lot of the same things your son is doing, and it is disturbing to see my daughter acting like she is enjoying acting like a little beast. I am a single mom, with little support, trying to run my own business. I really do get how hard it is, so I hope that you don't feel judged in any way by my response.

Your son is NOT a bad kid or a liar, but he IS doing this stuff for a reason. It sounds to me like he wants your attention - and he's getting it! If kids don't get what they want in a good way, they will settle for getting it in a bad way. So, the first step here is to chill out your reactions to his crappy behavior. The more upset you get with him, the more you are "teaching" him that this is a great way to get some attention from mama.

When my daughter's behavior starts getting way off track like this, I see it as an expression of HER frustration of not getting enough the attention and closeness that she needs to feel OK. I find ways to increase physical closeness with her (such as going for long walks with her in the backpack), and spending more time with her in ways that she wants (playing with favorite toys and games, etc.). Often, when I first give her this attention, she resists quite strongly and gets even more obnoxious. But I persist in a gentle, firm way, with a lot of humor and warmth, so she feels that I really do love her. At these times, I give her bad behavior NO attention, while still holding the limits (I physically stop her from hitting me, for example, but I do that by just holding her arm) and being loving, funny and warm. It is a tall order, I know, and there are times when I can't pull it off. But really - do give this a try. Once we are back on good ground together, I can talk with her about the stuff she is doing that has to stop. And THEN she gets it.

When kids feel unloved or disconnected, they tell us in the only ways they can. And no matter how much YOU know you love your son, there are times when he cannot feel that love. Those are the times when he acts like a little monster - think of it as begging for love with bad behavior. He does not need a big bad parent who will scare and hurt him if he does "wrong". That stuff is all about trying to control his behavior - and you will lose the control game every time. What he really needs is firm, loving limits and a strong sense of connection to you as the parent that loves him. The warm connection is what lets him accept the limits.

This stuff might sound all hokey and pie-in-the-sky, but it's the stuff that works best for my daughter, and also increases my confidence in myself as a parent. The few times I resorted to spanking left me feeling pretty crappy myself, and while they may have been effective in the short-term, the real problem never got addressed. My smart and savvy girl just figured out more dramatic ways to act badly and get the attention she needed.

Sorry for this long-winded response. I just feel so strongly about this, and some of the responses you received felt way off-track to me. I have found Patty Wipfler's little pamphlets on connection parenting really helpful. I got a set of them from Amazon - there are ones that talk about how kid's emotions work, how to handle tantrums and anger, etc. They are short, so it's easy to read them, and they get right to the point. She also has a website at handinhandparenting.org. I wish you and your family the best as you work through this tough stuff!!

I'm sorry to say I don't have ANY advice for you I am actually going through the EXACT same thing but I've been too embarrased to tell anybody, our family is not like this and I don't know where he has learned these things but it really bothers me so if you get some good advice PLEASE share. The only difference is my son turned 4 in Jan.

Little about me: SAHM w/ 6 yr. old daughter & 4 yr. old son. Husbands home often as well. D.

I have a 5 year old who has 'fibbed' since she could talk, most of hers are around imagination though. I learned a trick recently and you can modify it. What I do is have her hold her thumb and middle finger together making similar to an 'okay' sign. I ask her to say what has happened in her view point - even if it is a fib. So and example would be "I did not eat the cake" (which I know she did). I then tell her to hold her fingers together as tight as possible, if I can pull them apart easily - then she is fibbing - if I can't pull them apart easily - then it is the truth. I've caught her fibbing several times like that - now I just say - hold your fingers together and she comes out with the truth. She does get a consquence when the fib is serious or she has injured someone - mostly time outs - but if they don't work - take away a toy. Also talk about the importance of being truthful and accepting responsibility for your actions. I would also recommend a reading "Parenting With Love and Logic". I find it very helpful. I hope that helps!

One thing you can do is change the way you question him. Instead of asking him if he hurt his sibling, ask him "Why" he hurt the sibling. I've found a lot of younger children fall for this kind of questioning. You probably won't be able to use it for all situations, but it may come in handy for a couple.

K.

I have 4 children under the age of 10. The first thing I always try is appealing to their sensitivity by telling them how sad it makes me feel when they do what they did(eg. hurting the dog)and then I tell them "but it reaaly makes me sad when you don't tell me the truth because that can be dangerous for me not to know exactly what's going on"
Just come up with why it's dangerous and how it affects everyone around them and how if they dont tell the truth you can't defend their honor in an arguement with someone accusing them of something.

If that doesn't work we have always used Tobasco on their tongue. Just a dot! for anything involving the mouth
lying, talking back, biting, saying naughty words.

I hope this helps!
A.
Mother of Four