I Need Advice and Tips in Regards to My Mother...

I think the best thing to do is come to terms with who your mom is and learn to deal with it. My father is a bit like this and I just call him regularly, send him photos of the kids and such with no expectation in return. Like other posters have said, this is who he is and I have learned to love him in spite of these things. It will be better for you and your children if you try and maintain your side of the relationship in the healthiest way for you.

Listen, I am not trying to hurt your feelings with what I have to say. I just hope you can understand the spirit of what I am trying to say even if I botch it. Here it goes.

It sounds to me like your mom is a little older. I know from personal experience with an aunt that there was a time when women had two options: get married and have a family OR get a job as a nurse or a teacher and then get married and have a family. If you live in Utah, I am assuming that you are LDS. Sorry for the assumption if you are not. I am LDS, and grew up with the idea that a woman gets married and has a family. I got married ten years ago and only have two kids, but I struggle with not being a very good parent, not knowing how to change myself, and the idea that I was never cut out to be a mom. I wonder if this could be the same problem with your own mother. Just a thought.

Also, I wanted to say that if you are not happy within yourself, nothing anyone does around you is going to change your feelings. My mother in law is a difficult woman. For ten years, I have lived with her nasty comments, hurtful actions towards myself and my kids (who arent as good as her other grandkids) and the systematic undermining of my marriage. It got so bad that I was seeing offence everywhere in everything she did or said. Finally, I decided that I was only in control of how I felt. I cant change her, make her like me more, or make her treat me like a human being. I can only control how I react to what she says or does and if I continue to allow her to hurt my feelings over and over, then she has control in my life. I hope this is making sense. Take control of yourself and choose to see the positive instead of the negative. Maybe this could be something as simple as how much time she takes out of her day to talk to you when you call and be greatful that she is makeing some sort of effort even if it isnt what your ideal would be. When I started seeing positive things about my mother in law, even if/when they were very small, my attitude towards her changed and we were able to find a small patch of common ground. Also, one last thing. When you talk to your mother, at the end of the conversation, tell her that you love her and appreciate talking to her. Eventually you can even hint that you would like her to call you once in a while, but dont be hurt if she doesnt. She has her agency too.

I am sorry to hear about your hurtful feelings. Our birth family can be cruel. I have come to the realization over the years that you cant pick the family you were born into but you can choose the family that will fulfill you as a person. I'm not sure if that makes much sense. I come from a family with lots of issues and have not even spoken to my brother and one of my sisters in 13 years. I have reached out and they did not want me in their lives. So I had to learn to go on. I felt like I was a black sheep in my moms eyes and had let her down too. In then end I went crazy trying to please her and keep a connection. As soon as I realized she is who she is and what she thought was not my fault, things got better with us. If I call I do it because it makes me feel good that she knows she is thought of and loved, but I dont expect the same in return. She has been hard to talk to and a lot of the time we just talk about the weather or her hobbies because it is not "safe" to discuss much else sometimes. I know it hurts and I still have days I want to cry and yell, but the key is to remind yourself she loves you in her own way. Ultimately what I did to help the hurt of all the family rejections was to remember my family is my hubby, little girl and myself, I embraced my husbands family, because they give me the feeling of acceptance I need and deserve, and finally anyone who loves me is part of the family. I may have lost a sister and brother to anger, but through love I have gained several sisters and brothers in friends.

Remember you are a beautiful person that is loved, you deserve to love yourself and your self esteem comes from you and to heck with how others act. Keep reaching out if you want because you are a better person for it. If you still cant shake the hurt there is nothing wrong with talking with a counsel or friends ( I felt like I was betraying my family when I would talk about them) If your kids ever ask you can explain that their grandma just has a different life and expresses herself differently, but just say it as a matter of fact because they will feed off of your hurt feelings. I will still point out pictures of my sister and brother and tell my daughter who they are and will share happy memories if she asks. Most likely this will not be much of an issue until they get older unless you make mention of it. Best of wishes in all you do.

What's going on in your mom's life? How was life with her growing up? Could your mom be depressed or having troubles of her own? My dad has always been the same way...he doesn't know that if he would like to talk, he can call instead of waiting for a call. He's this very nice person who is also very lonely and self-centered. It's like he needs us (my brothers and sister and I) to make contact to give him confirmation that we care about him. He is a very sad person and lives often very isolated. Because of this, he spends his time talking about himself instead of asking about others. I know a lot about him, his past, etc. I know that I cannot take his actions (or lack of) personally. His behavior is about what is going on with him. I'm not saying that this is your mom's situation, but maybe there is more to the picture than meets the eye. Such as my MIL...when she gets sick or has medical issues, she tries to isolate...she doesn't want to be a bother to anyone, but we all know she would like us to invade her isolation. From experience with several family members, I know there is always more going on than the presented picture and that it isn't about me or a lack of care for me. Could you call her and ask her if she is okay? Who knows, it could be that she feels guilty for her lack of actions and so deals with that by further avoidance, therefore digging herself in deeper. I guess what I'm trying to say is not to try to guess the story of a book by looking at the cover and reading the summary. I suspect there is more going on with her than meets the eye. Also, it is okay to express your feelings...if you haven't, how can she know you are hurting? I've also learned that in expressing my feelings that it is not to change anything...I simply have to express my feelings to do just that and then let go of the outcome.

I don't know if this will help, but I grew up in a similar situation except that I was the grandchild. I was well aware that my grandfather would rather that the kids were not in his house and there was no relationship between the two of us. I distinctly remember being very afraid of him and all of my cousins say they felt the same way. I also know that my mother and her siblings had a lot of hurt feelings and did not feel loved. Despite this they made a tremendous effort to stay in touch and come visit regularly. I could tell that the attitude of his children was that there was definitely a breakdown in the family, but it wasn't going to be because of them.

This effort to keep in touch with my grandfather has had a tremendous impact on all of us grandchildren. We maintained the effort and as my grandfather grew older and lost his second wife to cancer he began to really appreciate us. All of us grandchildren were able to develop a strong relationship with him once we were adults. We were always the ones that put forth the effort, but it was very well received. I was the only family member that lived close to him and I would bring my children by to visit regularly. He was so wonderful and attentive to my children. He kept cookies in a drawer especially for my daughter. He loved to show them off to his friends and would talk about them all of the time as well as all of his other great-grandchildren. The change was absolutely miraculous.

I have always treasured the time I spent with him later on in life. I still remember what it was like going to his house when I was a child and there are still hurt feelings with his children; but there are also no regrets with their actions. With time and effort the family bonds did come and all of the grandchildren believe strongly on maintaining family bonds because of the effort on their parents' part.

The person with the least amount of interest in a relationship always controls it. It can be hard to honor a parent who acts this way and yet it is still a commandment.

For your sake, keep your conversations short. Call her sparingly and when you are feeling mentally prepared. Keep the conversations to a set time, such as five minutes, and be ready to get off the phone sooner if you need to. It is a lot healthier for you that you live far away and hopefully have other things you can focus on.

As far as your own children, they will figure out that relationship. Children are smart, and they will know that grandma is not interested without you having to say anything. They should not be pressured to fake a relationship that is not there.

She may still love you but may lack the discipline that it takes to pay attention to people. I know I love my children and husband dearly and yet I still find myself tuned in to the computer or the TV and pushing them away at moments. Doing that for years creates a habit that is shameful and yet very difficult to break. It is one of the chains, if you will, with which Satan drags us down to hell.

Be sure that you create a bond with your own children, and though you may feel hurt by your relationship with your own mother, focus on the joy you feel with your children until that takes up more time in your mind.

I tend to want to solve all my problems and therefore focus on the negative. I think most people do. We do need to focus on the positive and thereby bring more joy into our life and accomplish much more than crying can.

I hope this makes sense to you, and I am working on this as well.

May I recommend a book? How to hug a porccupine. It helps me with my toxic relationships--but to still have a relationship that keeps me emotionally safe and no longer hurting myself because I can't change those around me just how I am in that relationship...I too had a strained relationship with my mom. I have set boundaries for myself emotionally and I don't expect her to be different anymore. She is who she is. I now can have a relationship without the resentment. It's takens several years for me to get to this point and I've made mistakes along the way but this book truly truly helped me (also helped in an inlaw situation and with a friend of mine)
if you are up for the read, I think it could really help you out.

don't want to go all dr. phil on you.. but one of my favorite quotes is this "forgiveness is finally giving up on the hope of a better past". for me this is something i pray about frequently. I have a good relationship w/ my mother, but my dad is another story. a few years ago i finally had to come to terms with the fact that he did/does the best he could/can, and that he is a broken person. i can't change the past and he won't ever be the kind of father/grandfather that i always wished he'd be. i do my best to accept what little he can offer... and actually find I am disappointed less and less. which i realize is kind of sad, but setting myself up and having higher expectations just hurt to much. i am much happier with our relationship now... and feel un-burdened now that i've accepted our relationship for what it is and let go of what i kept hoping for.

You Mom is who she is, there is not changing her now. Seems like from your post she has been like this for a long time.
I would just say continue to reach out to her, never stop and if you want to talk to her you may have to call her.

You can always be brave enough to simply ask "do you love me mom?" and explain why you don't feel it. I am a firm believer being honest and upfront with family as you don't know an answer unless you ask.

Sounds like it is something she does to everyone, so I certainly wouldn't take it personally. I found through my years of adulthood, most parents are who they are, no changing them but that shouldn't stop you from speaking to them either and being the bigger person.

YOU CANNOT expect them to react a certain way or say specific things as that is setting yourself up big time if you do that.
What you can do is talk to her, be honest and just see what you get back. It may or may not be what you want out of the conversation but you said what you felt.

I don't think it is lack of love but sounds like she has no ability to show or say how she feels.
As people age too their emotions can change too, not sure if that is the case or not.
Has she been this way all her life?
You just cannot change or control another adult unfortunately, you have to decide to accept her the way she is or not.

Hi K., thats a tough situation. I know from experience how hurtful it can be especially when it comes to our kids (their grandchildren). I finally had to tell my kids to limit their time with that grandma. How do you explain to a child that their grandmother likes their cousins better (even the cousin's noticed it!) I prayed a lot regarding how to deal with it. and one of the things I discovered was my mom's generation were distant couple that with the abuses she suffered its a recipe for isolation. I am wondering if you mom is suffering depression. She may not know how to reach out. she can "promiss" but if she does not have the skills she can follow through with it. so maybe trying inviting her to small family activities... I the final note is: she is the only mother and grand mother you will have and when she dies how will you feel. resolve the issues now while there is still time. YEAH its sucks that we have to be the grown up. but in the long run its better. hope this helps. Lee

Hi, Kendra, I feel your pain. I have the same situation with both my mother and father... although my mother recently moved back to the city and lives 3 blocks from me now, which is very weird and difficult. Your situation with your mom sounds much like my situation with my dad... only when I do talk with or see my dad, he's always got something hurtful to say or do. I am adopting children and have decided that I will teach them to honor him as much as is possible but also teach them that sometimes the most honoring thing to do is to be healthy about setting boundaries, even if the other person doesn't realize it. For me, that means not spending time with my dad, either on the phone or in person. Right now it's allowing me time to learn how to interact emotionally in a healthy way and how to set boundaries. In the future, it will protect my children. I'm still trying to figure out how to honor and love from afar. Right now I just make sure to acknowledge the important dates (Father's Day, birthday, etc). I'm also learning to confront him on the poor behavior (which is really, really hard to do and I'm pretty terrified about it). I'm hoping that bringing it to his attention will help to change some of the behavior. If it doesn't, he will lose out on relationship with myself and his grandchildren. Hope that all makes sense.

Hi K.,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can relate to you in so many ways because my mom is very similar. We all have an ideal picture of the perfect mom and for so many of us, our moms don't ever quite make the mark. I am guessing that you have an image in your mind of how you wish your mom would be. Especially since now you have a Mom in your life that you can compare her to. (I too have made those comparisons with my Mother-in-law) Whatever you do, try to not compare the two. It isn't fair. Your mom will never have a chance!
Also, try not to have such grand expectations for your mom. I know they don't seem that "grand" but to her they may be. For me, I started trying to notice what my mom "could" give. Find out what her strengths are instead of focusing on her weaknesses. I used to get so angry and give my mom a guilt trip every time she didn't call me. This only made her call less. So, now when she starts to give me all the excuses for why she hasn't called I say, "Mom, it's okay. I know you are busy. I just wanted to talk to you." It is amazing how she calls more when she doesn't feel like there is this huge expectation on her.
Also, even though she doesn't call very often or ask to see pictures of her grandbaby or seem all that interested, I make the initiative. They may not feel that important to her but they are important to me. I can't expect her to have the same level of importance. But, if I give her these things (phone calls, photos, etc.) without expecting anything in return then I usually am pleasantly surprised. If I were you, I would include her in your life and your kids lives as much as possible. Send her photos, send her letters with stories of what your kids are up to, send her videos. Make it really difficult for her to not be involved. And see what happens! Good luck to you!

I understand what it's like to have a difficult relationship with your mother. It sounds like the removal, or withholding of affection and other emotions is entirely on her side, and even after she's been approached, she will make no effort to contribute to a relationship. I understand how painful this is, because ultimately, we all want our parent's love and approval. Sometimes though, you just have to accept that it's nothing that you have done wrong. You are a good person, worthy of love, and your mother has her own issues to deal with, and you can't fix them...that's up to her. As parents, we believe that our children are the most important things in the world, and should always feel loved and cherished. Not all parents feel like this or, even if they do, are able to show it.

I don't mean to sound callous, because I do understand your pain, but at some point, you have to be an adult and identify yourself as a person independently of your relationship with your mother. You know that she won't change, and while that may always hurt, you can't tear yourself up about it, because think of the impact that will have on your own children, and even your relationship with your husband.

Live your life. If you feel the need to talk to her about it, do so, but then leave it at that, and let her take it from there. Stop making extra efforts to reach out to her. Invite her to be involved, but don't try to push anything, as that will only cause you frustration and pain when you don't get the response you want. Don't bring up the subject to your kids, but if they ask, just explain that some people can show love with big hugs and kisses, and other people can't, but that doesn't mean they don't love you, they just have a tough time showing it....that's why you've always tried so hard to show your kids how to love openly. If being around her hurts you, then don't be around her. Take control.

You can't make the hurt go away completely, but you can stop focusing on it and allowing it to fill your thoughts so completely. Focus on the positive relationships you do have, and go from there, making sure you don't fall into the rut of allowing this to consume you so your kids grow up with their own issues with you. That's really all you can do.

Best of luck....I really do know how tough it is!!

I don't have much to say as far as what to do, because I am at lost with my mother as well.

My mother was never the mother type. It was always my dad that would come check on me when I was crying, knew who I was dating, and would stay up for me when I was out at night. It didn't bother me then or I didn't even realize it too much until I started having kids.

While pregnant with my first kid everyone was asking me if my mother was coming for the birth and to stay after to help. We lived 12 hours away at the time so I used that as an excuse of why she wasn't. But she didn't come until one month after her birth.(My mother-in-law drove 6 hours all night to be there for the birth of my first).

Then I thought things would be different when I moved into the same town. But of course they weren't. This past summer my husband was gone for 3 months for work while I was pregnant with my 3rd and not once did she offer to come over to help clean, watch my girls so I could go run errands, etc. Even though she would come to my side of town once a week for a meeting of hers that made her less then a mile away from my place. I didn't realize I was upset with her until I had a dream where I was just yelling at her and how she should understand because my dad was in the military and had to be gone often while we were kids. (My dad did come over and watch my girls so I could get the car cleaned out and my hair cut, I love my dad).

I love my mom, but I just don't have an good relationship with her or the one that I want. The upside of all of this is that it makes me try that much harder now to put the extra effort in my daughters lives. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't tell them I love them and embrace them.

I know I can't change my mom, but I can change the way I react to her. And always treat her with respect when around my children. I am looking forward in reading some of the responses you get in hopes it will help me.

Best of Luck!

That sounds painful. There are probably things that happened to your mom even before her relationship with your father that you may never know about that have caused her to be this way. My mother in law was very uninvolved in our lives and lived in another state, she was very well off but never came to see us and became addicted to prescription meds and passed away a year ago. We just couldn't get her to care, my sister in law lived in the same town and was close to her but couldn't get her to be involved either. Anyway, it is hard to deal with this. I would say if it bothers you so much go to counseling, she is absolutely not going to change and you are powerless in this situation. Maybe get help for you so you can be healthy and be the best mom, step mom that you can for your kids. Good luck to you.

Your mother is emotionally incapable of maintaining relationships in a normal fashion. This will not change. I'm surprised that you all stress out over this, when she's always been this way. Not everybody is "normal". My Dad is like this -- he is autistic. Mom didn't know that when she married him -- she was so emotionally ill that she married the first guy she could find, and he turned out to be emotionally ill also (other problems as well).

Just call her every know and then and be nice.